Hello all I have not been on here in a very long time. There are a million things I need to share and get feed back on. First if you are new here and they give you advice do what they say and follow it to the letter. I have been there and didnt to what I was told to do I did expose my husband to his parents and didnt do the rest. But to make a long story short my husband mat moved out and its been almost a year since I found out and he supposed to have moved in with his girlfriend in a new house. I waited and waited and finally filed for divorce and had the first court date and we are in the discovery process now. This has been a long hard process form me and it is a road that I would not have chosen. I still have access to my husbands email address and know what he has been up to. I filed for divorce on the grounds of adultery. He is involved talking to other women on tagged.com and I decided I was going to be another person and he took the bait. I need some advice on how to survive all of this. I am still going to a therapist and that helps some but how much advice can they give you. Any advice is welcome and needed. Im hurting at this point. Thanks

Why don't you do a full exposure?
Exposure 101

Ive done as much as I know to do at this point. I have been digging in his email address tonight and don't think they are together. The things I am finding are disturbing to say the least. I found he cancelled his tagged.com, he opened an account on Zoosk and also he has had one on POF as well. I went into his email address and forwarded them all to mine and deleted where I had been. Its so heart breaking to find out that he answered and add for a female escort as well. I have all this because he hired a horses butt attorney. I am only trying to protect my heart and myself. This has been the worst year of my life. I finally have the OWs address and might plan a visit there soon. I have her telephone number at work too.

Do you want to try and save your M or just get a D?

Why did you refuse to do what we said??? Over and over??

How can we help you?

If you would hear me out I am not going to save my marriage its already torn apart and blown to smithereens. I am divorcing he has hired himself out as an escort and that was the end for me. that is just the way it is and I am goin gto be fine I don't care about the OW or anything else at this point I just want to go on with life and quit all the hurt and pain

So will you be going into Plan B? No communication to protect you from his drama?

I wanted you to see maritalbliss's question.

She doesn't want to recover her marriage.

Do you have kids browneyegirl? Are they with you or him?

Yes I have not had any communication with him for sometime now and its better for me. I still have access to his email and there are things that I keep seeing like his answering an ad to be an escort for a woman locally here. Should I keep that for future use in the divorce ?

/Thank goodness we do not have any children together. He has gone completely bonkers and has lied to his whole side of the family about me .

Yes. Print it out and provide to your attorney.

BEG, I don't know much about your story but what I have gleaned from a few posts, so... not to harp on the exposure piece (I didn't do a very good job with exposure either), but this (above) is yet another good reason to expose. It gives more legitimacy to your side of the story. Waywards live in total darkness from the truth, so spinning a story is child's play for them. They wind up making BS's look like the villain, just adding pain and agony on top of what they have already done to us.

As for his lying, the truth has a way of settling in and revealing itself in it's own time. Just keep living your life with integrity (i.e. don't play into the drama), and people will eventually figure out who's the kooky one.

I know that feeling of just wanting the whole thing to be behind you. The comfort of knowing you can just disassociate with the whole mess including the WS. But it takes time, and the things you did right and the things you did wrong will be big teachers for your next relationship. I still apply the MB principles to how I conducted myself in my marriage, retrospectively; in hopes of not repeating my mistakes.

optimism

Yeah the matter of fact is that when I dig I get more scum on him he has been looking up women to hook up and have sex with I wish that I could erase what i found out but sometimes I am my own worst enemy because of what I know

I have always wanted to save my marriage but he wants a divorce I filed because of the things I keep finding, He is cheating and still sleeping around

BEG I would recommend exposure because you need the support.

I am also divorcing and a few times he has settled, been generous and cooperative with my lawyer.

Because he's nice? No, because I exposed! He can't handle looking any worse than he already does, so he plays nice guy.

It also sounds like the married couples, wives of his friends and any single women need to be warned about him. I'd do a full FB exposure as described on the link.

You don't have to ask for help in saving the M if you don't want. Just ask his friends to help oppose his destructive and damaging behaviour. Especially if he's financially ruining you both with his sleazy habits.

The less fog he has the smoother the divorce.

Yeah I am gathering evidence as we speak I thought about exposing his kids and his parents to all that he is doing . Im wondering if I should do that or not

Browneyedgirl, to whom did you expose? Anyone other than his parents?

Personally, I would suggest you get out of his email and stop the snooping, for a few reasons:

1. Hacking into your estranged husband's email is illegal, and you could be prosecuted. I would talk to your attorney and tell him you've been accessing your husband's email without his knowledge and see what your attorney says. I suspect he will discourage you from this activity of breaking into your estranged husband's email account. It's one thing to snoop to bust up an affair with a wayward who is living at home - it's another to hack into someone's account who has left and is divorcing you.

2. Okay, so you show your husband's family the emails. Do you think they'll be shocked to see that he is seeking the company of another woman? He doesn't live with you and hasn't for a year. I suspect they already consider him 'single' based on that fact alone. It would be one thing if he were at home and trying to hide an affair - but he doesn't live with you and you are divorcing him. I don't think you're going to get a lot of traction by showing people these emails. (Although it will confirm to them that you've hacked his account, and now you've got even MORE people who know you have committed this act.)

3. A judge would flip out to learn that the evidence you're presenting of your husband's current personal life were gotten by stealing them from his personal email account. Not that I think it would even get that far - I think your attorney would nix that idea before it ever went before a judge.

4. Reading these emails will only torment you. They will not serve you.

Yes I already have enough evidence that is legal. I wont be able to use it I know because I would be hacking. Thanks for the advice and I do agree with all you have said.

Its time to give it up and let it go that has been a really hard thing for me to do I still love the scum bag and its so not worth the hurt and all

Why would you not? Why help his attack by helping keep it secret?

Sure they may not do anything, or care, but they might. They very well might. More importantly HE might not want to look bad and shame will motivate him.

Throw the grenade and see if it hits anything. What have you got to lose?

Are you getting prepared for Plan B? Plan B is useful even in cases where you don't want to recover your marriage, but head straight to divorce instead. It will help you heal much more quickly, and fully.

Where iare the steps for plan b

How to plan B properly

Never mind I found them. I have done the love letter and changed all the locks on the house a long time ago the love letter did not work. I packed his things and he refused to get them. We are in the discovery process of the divorce. WH ia selfish [censored]. He is truly selfish. Since I have done most of Plan b what now? I exposed him to a lot of our friends here He said he could never live here again. Any mure suggestions are appreciated

Do you have an IM? Take yourself out of his drama.

You saw the post I posted to you? It has the IM link in there.

The IM is the attorneys they are doing the communicating between the two of us we have no contact with each other. WH does not even acknowledge that I exist. I read the part about the IM but since we do not communicate is the IM necessary.We don't see each other nothing. I am trying forget all of the drama I don't want to hang on any longer either. I need and am ready to forget.

You can request a mediator through the courts too. They are objective, work with you to design a plan, and their decisions are legal and binding. They are perfect for working out custody arrangements/issues.

In regards to financial issues, that can go through the attorney too. It is a formula in most states, so it should be pretty cut and dry after it is hashed out.

There may need to be some reason you need to talk to eachother, so taking that into consideration, I would try to line up someone to be an IM, just in case.

I would agree. An IM is there so he CAN'T contact you. You never know what a wayward will do.

Right now you know he is choosing not to contact you. And you should be completely clueless about what he chooses to do/not do.

It frees up your mind to think about you.

Change your contact details so he can't contact you (no matter what happens with his unstable A) and send him a letter telling him the email address of your IM is how he should contact you in future.

I have told my IM a recovery plan message will earn him a meeting until the divorce is final.

After that, I don't want any message no matter how repentant.

Its not my problem if he reaches his 'rock bottom' and becomes repentant after divorce.

But he will be Plan Bd forever because I don't need to be disturbed.

You have been thinking about lobbing the grenade of exposure for so long. I can't imagine the hell you have put yourself through with your deliberating.

Decide here and now. You will either expose, and do it. Or you will not and quit thinking about it.

I say this because I don't want to see you posting again in six months about this. Having been in turmoil for those six months.

Exposure brings peace. You know you told the truth. Let the cards fall where they may.

And initiate Plan B. With a proper IM. Not just an attorney.

Unless you have ruled out marital recovery. Then an attorney is the only route WH should have since you don't have kids.

Exposure, as a matter of fact, no matter the seeming results.....frees YOU of holding the secret.
Makes YOUR life more rich and authentic.
Takes away YOUR victimhood in many ways.

Even if others say nasty stuff to you or your wayward gets more evil and wild talking/acting.

"The only thing to fear is fear itself" Franklin D. Roosevelt (btw...a known cheater but one with some good quotes anyway)

I like the idea of using a mediator that is court appointed and I have a good idea who to use as an IM. The lady that has been rock solid with me through this whole mess. That is who I would choose as an IM. I have already started the process of changing things like cell phone numbers etc. I don't care if he is repentant or not. I had a good session with my counselor today she seems to think that he has some mental issues and more than midlife crisis, sin or what you want to call it.

She should read the IM training thread.

IM Training School

reading the IM training thread now