I am new to these boards having stumbled over it in a search for help with my problem. Quick breakdown

I had an affair
I lied
He left came back, left , came back until he found someone else
Told me about other woman and I went into a deep depression
Came out about 6 months later and this was all about 5 years ago.We are not yet divorced.
We were together 25 years and have 3 grown children
I have since had a couple of boyfriends but have bben with my latest partner 2 years. On the whole I am quite happy.
BUT
I continually compare him to my ex, I pine for my ex and what could of been often. How on earth do I stop this. My guy loves me very much and he sooo much going for him, his youth, looks and financial stability with a very good job.

can anyone guide me to what I should be doing to disconnect from my ex. Please don't say divorce because I just cant imagine cutting that tie.

Why won't you divorce?

Do you really think it's fair to your OM to be dating a married woman?

Why don't you get back with your husband?

why are you stringing your OM BF along when you are still in love with your husband? If you really want to get your husband back you are never going to be able to do so while in a relationship with your OM. Have you tried not dating and just remaining separated from you your husband? Having a romantic relationship constantly is not a necessity. You are jumping from relationship to relationship while still married....Why? Are you in individual counseling? I assume you are separated and no longer co-habitating?

My new guy 12 years seperated has not yet divorced. His reasoning ..... It prevents him from being tempted to get married again. Well that's what he tells me , and it suits me as then no pressure on me to get divorced.

Reason I don't divorce is because I just can't let go. That's what I need help reaching. I wish I was back with my ex husband. He was a good man . I don't know how to go about that either.
I'm stuck

Sorry just saw your advice.
I live on my own ( well one child still at home )
I have had 2 years on my own. First year after he left me and another year after I realized I was not ready to date after first bf.
I have not returned to counseling for 3 years.
I know it can be good but wondered if other peoples real experiances might be a better place to start.
I would like nothing more than to be back with my ex h but it would be because he is my children's father, he s familiar and secure. But i am not stupid enough to not believe we are both very different people now.
So here I sit stuck in no mans land

Is your Husband with someone else? Why don't you get back together?

What do your children think? How confusing this must be to them.

if it is causing you so much stress and grief, you need to do something about it, you cannot continue on, by not getting a divorce you are not getting the closure you are seeking. If you feel there is even a 1% chance you and your husband can work it out, then you need to make that your focus, knowing that it may only be in vain.

If you are not getting a divorce and there is some emotional ties here then you need to figure out what you want and do it. But you never answered why you would carry on with your OM BF if you still are emotionally attached to your husband?

I am almost one year post divorce and still get ripples of 'feelings' about my xwh. I know it is normal and they are coming less frequent and less strong, but when I was still married the emotions I had were intense and I could not work on moving on mentally still married. You are obviously having the same issue.

Hi Yes my xh is with the woman he finally left with years ago and lives with her. Recently I had cause to send him an email regarding an upcoming situation. and this is the reply I got. It was early june this year. He has been with this woman 5 years



Just like to say I do not consider Linda a girl friend as you put it, I have no ties with her and am free to walk anytime, I'm easily content and she is providing everything I need at this time, I enjoy her company and she is not demanding in anyway, who knows what the future will hold, she may think other wise but I don't care. While for now working the Norrie Street mortgage down I'm content to carry on what I'm doing.

I don't know quite what to make of it.

I think that marriage is a very cheap commodity in your world and that is very sad. Marriage is cheap and meaningless. Easy come, easy go.

If I were in your shoes, I would stay away from this married man and start dating your husband again. If you use this program you can fall in love with each other and create a fantastic marriage. But you aren't ever going to create anything in a dead end adulterous relationship with someone else who has no respect for marriage.

And if your husband is not interested in resuming your marriage, I would get divorced. Your marriage has been over for a long time anyway.

Have you considered that your bf can't let HIS spouse go, either? His reasoning for not divorcing sounds amazingly unbelievable.

So you consider my bf married because he is not divorced? He has been separated and like me all financial ties are svered for about 12 years.

I will read through the program. I am scared that I may be giving up a good guy for a memeory that will not be the same person.

Perhaps I want my cake and eat it too

Yes, he is married to someone else.


A good guy who has no respect for the institution of marriage? I would rethink your philosophy about relationships if you are looking for a happy, secure future with a man. The way you are going about it is not going to get you what you want.

The book you need to read is Buyers, Renters and Freeloaders. And check this out: Living Together Before Marriage: Compatibility Test or Curse?

Here.
Buyers, Renters and Freeloaders

Thank you both of you.

funnily enough I had not given any thought to the fact that bf was still married . you have given me pause to think.

Last night I was out and I met an old friend who has remarried and I caught her up with my situation and she said that she said to her bf " Your either all in or all out " meaning marriage . She would not have him move in. He married her and they have been happily together 10 years.

She said get clear in your head and make a decision . That's the hard bit. Get clear in m y head!

Sorry to threadjack, but Melody, when you suggest to Toni to start dating her husband again, how do you deal with the woman he lives with? Do you date him with her still very much in the picture? Or does he have to cut her off first? How long should you date him before you know if he is willing to resume their marriage?

Her husband told her he doesn't even consider her a girlfriend, so I predict she would be cut out of the picture pretty quickly if their relationship took off.

What are you going to do toni?

I don't know what to do.
I believe I do love my bf but I am held back from that total vulnerable state because I am not over my xh. I want to know if there is a possibility of the marriage being saved. As more time goes by, more bridges burnt, more memories created apart, it just gets harder.

I feel like I just cant take that leap of faith in either direction.I cannot make the decision. I suppose I am waiting for some push from either direction.

When I first had the affair , I apologised hourly and fought for next 3 years to save my marriage with n o luck. sometime ago I drafted an apology letter which really was written with all my heart. I have not posted it yet as I am waiting for the right time ( if ever). I don't know what I expect him to do with it, I don't believe I can put in the letter about trying again , as it is about the apology.

For the first time in m y life I truly don't know what to do.

You really have 2 paths before you where happiness lies. One is with your husband and the other one lies in being alone [and perhaps starting over with someone new AFTER you are divorced and available] You don't have a future with the bf. That is a renters relationship that will never bring you long term happiness. You have everything going against that relationship because it is an affair and because you made the mistake of shacking up. Those relationships are renters relationships that tenuous and fleeting.

I would start first by losing this boyfriend and testing your husband to see if he is interested in reconciling. But the relationship with the bf is a waste of your time.

actually on the note of renters etc. I have started reading stuff on this site but would be keen to buy a book. Which would be the best for me in this current situation ? appreciate any advice

The best book at this time would be Surviving an Affair BY DR WILLARD Harley

I would definitely buy both books if you can.

Surviving an Affair and Buyers, Renters and Freeloaders

Have you thought about emailing the Harleys on their radio show?

I live in new Zealand and thought time differences etc might not be right.

Why would I get the book surviving an affair ? Is it not aimed at the injured party?

It is aimed at both parties. It teaches you how to affair proof any marriage, which we all can learn from.

You can always write them an email and they will still answer your question and read it on the radio show.

Email your questions to Joyce Harley at mbradio@marriagebuilders.com. When your email question is chosen to be answered on the radio show, you will be notified by email directing you to listen to the rebroadcast. If you would like to consider being a caller, include your telephone number. You will be called by us to explain the procedure to you. Every caller will receive a complementary book by Dr. Harley that addresses their question

I would get Buyers, Renters and Freeloaders. You will find that to be huge eye opener. It changed the way I looked at relationships in a dramatic way.

I would most certainly dump your boyfriend. Like you he wants to have his cake and eat it too by not getting divorced. He is not willing to offer a lifetime commitment because he is only looking out for number one.

He is using you the same way as your H uses his live in OW. Someone convenient to take care of needs on a day-to-day basis. He will offer short term care but doesnt want to get married so he can be free to leave at any time.

You are going to end up old and alone if you keep jumping from one short term arrangement to another.

It is dreadful that you think so little of yourself that you would settle for this day-to-day user boyfriend of yours.

End the relationship and offer your husband a committed, fulfiling and lifelong marriage.

If he gets on board, great. If not do better next time by choosing a committed and caring man who isn't married!

Your friend sounds amazing. Keep her close.

No, it is for both. Besides, you are each victims of the other.

It is not the labels, it is the behavior. Use SAA to learn the behavior needed to overcome an affair. You just may be able to repair your marriage.

It has been at least 8 years since our separation with absolute minimum contact , almost none since then. How can I start to reconnect with him. He is still bitter post my affair but he sort of friendly when we do talk . What can I do , to increase contact and try to break down walls and more importantly mend bridges

How old are you and your BH?

Did you have any kids?

Are you or the BH seeing anyone now?

How long did the OM stay in your life?

Have you asked your BH to do a recreational activity? That is a good way to reconnect.

Toni
You aren't divorced are you?
I suggest you post in Surviving an Affair and hit "notify mod" button and ask the mods to merge your threads into onw thread in Surviving An Affair.

You will find tge help you need there.
However you will need to post regularly and answer any questions posted to you.

The first step, as earlier suggested to you, is to read Buyers Renters and Freeloaders by Dr Willard Harley. It is also available in audio book. Have you got a copy yet?

Oh and work on permanently ending your relationship with your boyfriend

My BH and I are 52
3 grown children ..no grandchildren yet
We have other partners . he lives with is and I dont.
Once my texts were found I never spoke or saw the guy I was having affair with again. It had not quite got to sexual stage.

I feel reluctant to go to surviving an affair since it seems and it did reading it , that it was really for those that had been on the opposite side of me.

Yes I will download renters etc but I don't think I can end my relationship with current boyfriend. We have been together 2 years I think I love him.
My draw to my BH is history, familiarity but most importantly to get family back together. He was a great husband and is a good father . I would reconcile for those reasons. The family reuniting is more powerful than love to me.

May I ask why you're here, then?

I also love my BH and I love the boyfriend and I am scared to let go of what I have now and yet I cant see a future without BH. I am so stuck in that clich� ...a rock and a hard place. I need some advise on firstly how to try and reconnect with Bh to see if my feelings are based on only dimmed memories and a false ideal of the perfect family.

I am wanting my cake and eating it too for sure , call me weak . Is my only option in this situation to finish with the boyfriend and then wait and see if BH dislike of me has melted.

Dr Harley would probably encourage you to first:

End relationship with boyfriend; statistically it has only a dismal chance of success. As I recall your BF is also married/ separated and unwilling to divorce. There is no commitment. This is what Dr Harley refers to as a "renter relationship"

Until you do this, your words to your husband are meaningless without action.

okay will get reading that book immediately

Also he is living with the woman who helped him exit the marriage

This is why I didn't date before my divorce was final and I was sure it was dead forever.

A) Only poor quality renters are interested in dating a married woman who is half-in, half out.

B) Feeling love for two different people is a bad place to be.

You should never have even started dating this guy! WHO IS MARRIED TOO!!!!

He is clearly a poor quality renter, who only values you for your corresponding lack of commitment.

Why should your husband take you back?

Right now you value a poor quality renter who you only 'think' you love over a shot with him!

You are never going to get great quality while you settle for poor quality.

So start with tossing out the poor quality.

Wouldn't it be nice if you could at least look your granchildren and children in the eye knowing you did your best?

And if recovery doesn't work you can start REAL dating as a SINGLE woman, not as a married renters magnet. Being a good catch, who is willing to commit, is a good way to get great quality relationships in life.

You get back what you put in.

Exactly that, why?

There is no reason for you BH to believe you when you tell him that it is only him that you want to be with.

Then he watches you leave to go home to get banged by your OM that night.

You want your family back or you want your OM.

This sounds just like my WH. He keeps telling me he wants his family back, but he still has the OW in his life. There is absolutely no way I will have anything to do with him until he eliminates OW from his life. He needs to learn how to be happy with himself and quit relying on OW for his false happiness. The fact that my WH is still spending time with OW is so unattractive to me. I never thought it was possible to become un-attracted to the love of my life, but this did it.

There is no way to reconnect with your BH if you are still with your OM. It is impossible. End things with the OM, become more independent, don't act desperate toward your BH, and perhaps he will be attracted to you again.

Thanks Indiegirl that does make sense.

If I really sit and think about what I am feeling I am not vested in my current relationship. I have walls up all over the place and I look for him to do wrong , so I can be angry so that I can keep those walls up.

It all seems like hard choices.

My kids know I tried. I was on my own for a few years.

If my BH is living with his girlfriend and I start to communicate with him with intentions of reconciling aren't I being like those girls that go after men who are in relationships. After my affair I swore I would never ever do that again. Do I wait for BH to become single again ?

Just rereading posts I think I should be clear on stuff

I had an affair
NEVER saw or talked to OM again once I was caught
3 years trying to work on marriage while separated
Husband meets his 'rag '
I then spent next year on my own , pulling myself together, counselling , reading books, doing stuff.
Couple of boyfriends and have now been with same guy 2 years
I never see xh or talk (really )
Our 3 kids have healthy relationships with both of us.
We are both parenting very well and both acvknowledge thateach other is doing great.

Did you answer this?

They are still married.

Here is her other thread. Toni, maybe you should ask the MODS to merge your threads?
toni9999's First Thread

Ma'am, you are both terrible role models for your children.
The lifestyles you and youe husband are living will affect their relationships with the opposite sex for the rest of their lives

In an emergency situation, we must first think of ourselves.

Your first job is to get out of a renters relationship. That is no good for you (or your kids or your H) and it makes any change impossible.

If he was married, yeah - but he's using her.

You'd be doing her a favour, freeing her from such a situation.

I wouldn't go after him, I'd set him an example by leaving an uncommitted relationship.

If he asks say you didn't want to be in an uncommitted relationship any more, or for the kids to see you doing that.

Hold up, she is the OW!!!!

And you are concerned about her!?

Yep your right about setting the example. That makes sense.

So leave my current relationship.

Hope like hell that my xh sees me as a possibility to reconcile purely on the knowledge that I am single.

XHs girlfriend was who help[ed him leave our marriage once and for all. Years of trying to make amends ended with her whispering and empathising with XH situation....he said ' she understood'
Woman are conniving and manipulative which does not seem to register ever with men. She had her own agenda and she made him feel good.

Actually today I feel really angry about everything. In all the years I have not been angry.

YES I had an affair. It never was sexual !
HE could not get over that
HE could not forgive
He destroyed the family.
YES I instigated but God knows I was so sorry and I would never do it again.
He acknowledged that he knows that I wouold never do it again.
GOT me nowhere.
Why cant I make a decision in my present situation.
I should hate XH.

Toni,

You need to clean up your side of the street first. You both contributed to the destruction of your family. You have a lot of nerve being with another man while still married to him, proclaiming him the sole destroyer. You both royally screwed this up.

Now get to work on what YOU can change about YOUR situation.

toni999,

YES I had an affair. It never was sexual !

Wait a minute, from everything you wrote here it OM, then two boyfriends, if I am reading correctly, you are saying you never kissed them or touched???

God Bless
Gamma

You are living as the Other Woman in some marriage.
Your actions show you have no respect for marriage.
Are you willing to change?

I suppose I did not see myself as married. Apart from a piece of paper I am divorced.

I refer to my affair to be when I was seeing a man that was not my husband whom I was living with, who had no idea what I was doing. I lied to him, cheated on him and fooled him.

Any men since then has been in the open. I have not been living with my husband.

So you giuys feel that bevause I don't hve that final $100 piece of court paper I should still consider myself married ?

Toni,

Ok I think I get it, you had an emotional only affair when living with your BH. After you and BH split up you then had two physical affairs.

Yes the fact is that you are still married, and any men who live with a still married woman are not good prospects for marriage. Dump whoever you are living with now as a sign of your true sincerity to your BH.

God Bless
Gamma

That is so easy to say. I do love my current boyfriend but cannot see a future with him due to unresolved issues with my BH. My BH have almost NO contact. For all I know he may not even think of me one little bit. He may have no intention of getting back with me. We are almost strangers.

My reasons for coming on here was to see if anyone had any ideas about how I go about finding that info out without losing what I have and without walking into my BH s work and asking the questions directly. I just don't seem to have the strength in me to do that.

You ARE married.

You need to get some integrity about you. Lose the boyfriend regardless of what your husband would want. After you lose the husband it might be good to send your husband a letter telling him you have see the error of your ways and want him to know that. .

And then vow to not date until you are legally divorced.

Your best support is going to be to tell you to do the right thing.

You will have No guarantees that you can ever R with your Husband.

But, you Can guarantee that it will always be impossible if you remain in this current relationship, regardless if you fathom that it us still an Affair or Not.

Only then, after you make that disconnect, Without keeping any embers burning and have NO Contact with him and learn the MB principles, then and only then will you finally be true to yourself and be able to test the waters.

Divorce is not a $100 piece of paper.

It is a lengthy and focused process that costs WAY more than that.

And, yes, you are totally married to the man who you rarely ever see.

M.A.R.R.I.E.D.

So Toni,

Effectively what you are saying is that it's a piece of paper when applied to you, but the legal and moral union of marriage when applied to him?

You have a lot of work to do and until you are willing to accept your own wrongdoing and clean up your side of the street, then your marriage has no chance.

Yes.

You now have the answer to your questions. You that you are still married and should not be dating and how to approach your BH.

No one here is asking you to do anything they haven't done themselves. Not one of us took the easy option of loving whoever was nearest, regardless of our/their marital status.

I had a lot of offers during my separation. It was lonely being alone while I got divorced. I spent a year without even flirting.

But until my husband was LEGALLY INFORMED that I was no longer his wife, anything less would have been cheating.

Separated means nothing.



OK, no one is holding a gun to your head. Good luck with that.

You just made your choice with this statement.

Well, wouldn't it sound a little silly? "BH, I want you back - by the way, I'm still with my boyfriend just in case you tell me something I don't want to hear."

How do you think that's going to go over with your BH?

toni, hon, I think you can do better than a guy who doesn't want to commit to you. And that goes for both men. You can treat yourself better regardless of their choices.

Yeah maybe

Maybe?

Sounds like you are a fence sitter, weighing up your options but keeping your foot in both doors. That sort of thing never leads to happy relationships.

I feel stone walled here.

Does anyone have any ideas of how I can restart communications with BH while in my current situation or does everyone believe that I should not start communication until I no longer have boyfriend

At this point you should

divorce your BH

and

dump your cheating BF

and

start anew with a man who is not married, or, live a single life without a man.

There is no way out of the mess you have created other than that.

Still cake eating, I see.

Toni, did you ever see the episode of the Simpsons where Homer gets his arm stuck in a vending machine?

They were going to saw his arm off when at the last minute he revealed he was only stuck because he was holding on to the candy bar. If he had just let go, he wouldn't be stuck any more.

That's how I see your situation.

You are sacrificing freedom and self respect for something worth very little.

Toni, why don't you contact Dr. Harley directly and see what he advises? He's the professional, after all.

Toni, hon, not trying to stonewall you. I don't see any harm in reaching out to your BH. Have you read the Buyers Renters and Freeloaders? My suggestion would be to reread the Enemies of Good Conversation article first so you can make this reaching out as positive as possible for both of you. Focus on the good memories, your points in common. Don't "make him wrong" by using DJs, be open to hearing how he sees things. Everyone changes and the annoying habits he had he may have outgrown already.

I will send my xh a letter of apology first.

Of course I went to the end of the earth and back, trying to fix the marriage after my affair , with no success. Adding up the time we have been physically separated 4 years now , emotionally 8.

It might be time to let him know again ( now after a lot of time has passed ) that I still feel sorry. I do know that time has given me a much better perspective on just how much I hurt him. When it first happened I was deep in self pity and pnic and did not REALLY feel his pain.

I will start with that and guage any feedback. Will finish reading the renters book, but not ready yet to give up on boyfriend. ( who has been separated from his wife for 12 years - but yes not divorced therefore still married )

I

You want to recover with your H but will not break contact with your boyfriend?

Um, that is not how you recover a marriage. Either do this program or don't, but don't waffle around trying to get us to validate your adulterous relationship, because it WILL NOT HAPPEN!

Toni, with this said, I don't understand why you are here then. It would seem to me that if you really, truly want to R your M (if that is even the correct term in your situation) you would sever the relationship with your current boyfriend immediately. Since you had an A before, how can your H trust you are sincere now in wanting to get back with him? Having a boyfriend does not scream I love you and want to spend the rest of my life with you. It seems more like tire kicking to see if your H will bite. That doesn't seem like a very solid plan.

I think you need to get really honest with yourself and take appropriate action.

I know , I know , I know. I understand.

How do I know that if I am not just wanting my XH back because I cant have him !

I don't know your thinking process.
You allow emotions to rule you rather than rationality.

Toni, I don't mean to be harsh but you are just not a good catch while you behave this way.

If I were a friend of your husbands I would advise he not take you back.

You are not very honest. You live with a man while making plans to get back with your husband. While I don't think much of your bf, I don't think much of your deception of him either.

If your H got such a letter and posted here for advice, I would tell him to run a mile.

I would tell him that you were probably planning to just keep both men on a string. I truly believe you would too.

Though you are not exactly planning to two time them right now - you will. You are a mess being yo-yo'd around by your emotions.

Until you get yourself out of this tar pit, you should not be inviting others in.

I guess the thing is that someone can be a renter and become a buyer. You and your BH probably lost your marriage to begin with because of the effects of being renters, finding short-term solutions at each others' expense instead of finding long-term solutions you both wanted. That's happened to all of us!

So if your BH is still a renter, reaching out to him while with the new guy may or may not scare him off. But your new boyfriend would be hurt that you are trying to reconcile while still holding onto him "just in case." It would be more honest to take some time for yourself. And then if this new man is a better fit that would become obvious as well with some time apart.

If the shoe was on the other foot, and your boyfriend was wondering if he had made a mistake breaking up with his first wife, and wanted to see if she was still interested, how would you want him to approach that?

Read this letter to Dr. Harley and his answer. Perhaps this might help you.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5035b_qa.html

That letter made a lot of sense, Thank you.

all that advice is very good and I actually get real clarity on how XH will feel when I think of shoe on thje other foot scenario.

I really feel bad for bf as he is really in love and he is going to be so hurt. He is a lovely person. He is not going to believe that I need to end our relationship in order to give myself alone time. I feel that would be why I am leaving him. Whoever said it was correct, I will need alone time to get thoughts and feelings straight in my own mind.

This is called a double-approach avoidance conflict. Dr. Harley talks about it on his radio show, and again I suggest that you email him.

You do not understand. If you do you pretend to not hear and ignore what you have to do.

Do not waste your time and your BH's time by sending a lets get back together letter while you are still banging your current BF.

He is not a lovely person. He is a scumbag who is cheating on his wife with someone else's wife.


If he were a "lovely man" he would have avoided you like the plague.

This is one of the best gifts you can give yourself.

Well,

He is a man who thinks that avoiding legal divorce from his wedded wife while having a girlfriend (who happens to be legally married to another person) is a good idea.

You agree with him but you both are sadly making very, very poor choices right down the line.

More time passes and bf making louder noises about moving in. I have written xh an apology letter and being the coward I posted it. I could not face him and ask the question about his feelings, where his head was at. I can only hope that he responds positively to the letter and that from there I can determine if we have hope.

I do hope it ends well for you Toni, but hope is not a plan.

Action is better plan than hope.

You haven't really done anything to lead your H to take you seriously.

You aren't doing anything to avoid a massive mess with this bf. Would you hold your head up around him if he found out about the letter? Do you think moving in is a good plan?

But then maybe hope is a better plan than I give it credit for.

I do know hope has led me on to some rocky paths and the beating I got there instilled sense in me better than anything else.

So maybe there is hope.

I have to assume letter received. He has not contacted at all.

I am at work and I was just wondering if I can just throw my life as I know it away .

I have a feeling ( and your beatings ) that if I don't do that , then I am never going to know

I sent my husband a very lengthy letter of apology. although I have apologised many times it has been time that has really made me feel how sorry I was. Earlier than this ( 5 years ) it was more about me.

This was his reply

Hi, Just to let you know I received your letter today. I want to assure you it will stay with me. I will reply in time as you should know how I feel for which you will understand why I stay away from you etc. Nothing to dio with feeling ashamed of you. Its more about a black hole that I never want to go into again. Your letter today bought a lot of those feelings back. I hope you never have to say sorry again., well I don't want to hear it again from you. I believe you and I believe I understand where you are at. im sorry I was never manenough to make you feel proud and happy. I also know I am just as responsible for our break up. hope this all sounds righ when you read it or maybebetter left till I write. Lots of things are sad where the kids are with it. But the sooner they see us happy with our lives the better they will be. I willwrite when I can, I have forgiven you a long time ago, it was needed to help me move on and not think of that horrible time we went through. so writingto you will be hard as I can feel that hole I hate so much feel so close, you need to know so you can understand my head a little more., I am sure that will help you not feel so upset about it all. I hope your letter helps you now in moving forward, the kids need us to be happy,. Take care
P.S. I do look forward to the day a can sit with you again and have a drinkand a laugh again. I just don't know how long it will take . But time will heal. I believe that

So thoughts

Toni,

My initial thought is that you made your outreach to him and he is aware of it.

However I don't know the contents of your letter

My thoughts,

he wrote a beautiful reply.

Beautiful.

All you can do is decide whether to continue the affair you are currently in (since your BF is legally married) or to be a single woman who can either live with or without a man to survive into the future. To learn to live without needing a partner financially, emotionally, sexually, for conversation, etc.

You can not make your H reconcile with you......but.....rest assured he will be hearing about your life and making judgements about how you have lived it and who you are as a woman/person.

I have posted this on same forum but felt I needed to get some opinions on just what my xh response means. He sent this by text after receiving from me a lengthy apology letter . Basic details
...8 years ago I had affair
...5 years ago after trying to save marriage he leaves after meeting someone
...we are not divorced
...almost no contact
...3 grown children
...my letter to him was an apology which needed to be sent as I really feel that apologies in the past were really about me trying to save my [censored].
...he lives with woman he left me for but has said there is no relationship or future to be had with her
...I have a boyfriend which I am on brink of severing ties with as I have been convinced that this is an immoral situation I am in.

I sent my husband a very lengthy letter of apology. although I have apologised many times it has been time that has really made me feel how sorry I was. Earlier than this ( 5 years ) it was more about me.

This was his reply

Hi, Just to let you know I received your letter today. I want to assure you it will stay with me. I will reply in time as you should know how I feel for which you will understand why I stay away from you etc. Nothing to dio with feeling ashamed of you. Its more about a black hole that I never want to go into again. Your letter today bought a lot of those feelings back. I hope you never have to say sorry again., well I don't want to hear it again from you. I believe you and I believe I understand where you are at. im sorry I was never manenough to make you feel proud and happy. I also know I am just as responsible for our break up. hope this all sounds righ when you read it or maybebetter left till I write. Lots of things are sad where the kids are with it. But the sooner they see us happy with our lives the better they will be. I willwrite when I can, I have forgiven you a long time ago, it was needed to help me move on and not think of that horrible time we went through. so writingto you will be hard as I can feel that hole I hate so much feel so close, you need to know so you can understand my head a little more., I am sure that will help you not feel so upset about it all. I hope your letter helps you now in moving forward, the kids need us to be happy,. Take care
P.S. I do look forward to the day a can sit with you again and have a drinkand a laugh again. I just don't know how long it will take . But time will heal. I believe that

Analysis is simple.

You're both still liars and foggy.

You are hedging your bets until you hear what you want.

No habits have changed.

Nothing good would come of any reunion until terrible habits change.

There is nothing to analyze here. Contact with you triggers bad feelings that feel like a "black hole" to him. I would divorce him and leave him alone.

Oh

some pretty angry hateful people here

Toni, you can't control your husband.
You have both chosen to throw your marriage away.

Someone does not like having a mirror held up.


This would take a lot of work, from both of you, to fix.

Toni, seriously. This is not the place to try and BS your way to hear what you want.

What do you expect people to say? You are a married woman living with a boyfriend. You aren't going to leave your boyfriend until you know for SURE (ie. your "analysis" shows) that your husband will dump his live-in and get back together with you.

You are a fence-sitter... hedge-better... and that "anger" you claim is just people calling you out for your still-dishonest behaviour.

If you want real solutions, let us know. Otherwise, it's just more BS and you haven't changed at all. That is what you need to hear, not what you want to hear.


If by some miracle you and your husband reunited tomorrow, you'd end up in this same position anyways since you both have wayward attitudes.

Toni, your husband has no desire to get back together with you. The things which tell me this are:

- He has forgiven you, not for your sake but for his own. This means he has chosen to move on
- He wants you both to be happy for the sake of the children. This means that he wants you to be happy without him
- He says the letter will stay with him. If he were interested in reconciling with you, he would say something very different, like: "I can't live without you. How about we get back together."
- If he were interested in reconciling with you, he would be pursuing you and you'd have no need to pursue him

I understand and empathasize with your feelings of regret and guilt. The best thing you can do to move on is to cut off all contact with your xH, and build a new life with new habits. Become the kind of woman you can be proud of. Learn from this mistake, and grow.

Dear, getting back with your husband will not make your guilt feelings go away. Accept the feelings, learn from the mistakes, and move on. Your husband has no magical power to make it 'go away,' as if it never happened.

Just walk forward with your head held high, never to repeat the mistakes of the past. That's all any of us can do.

A broken egg cannot be fixed. But you can use it to make a cake instead. Go make a cake.

He is talking about how you live your life and how you treat the people around you.




You came here for help and received 10 pages of advise.

You then snapped and turned it all around to make yourself feel like the victim of angry hurtful people.

There was nothing angry and hateful in any of the responses that you received. You now owe an apology to all the posters who answered your question.

That is what your BH is talking about. He wants you to look inside and become a better person. Then you will never have to say sorry again.

Thank you zhamilla, that was what I wanted.

I did not need further judgements on my character , while I am slowly turn my thinking around. It feels a bit like trying to steer a ship with an oar. My thinking is changing. Its a bit like telling a fat person , they are fat and expect them just to stop eating immediately. Never going to happen. it will be thought by thought

I wanted some opinions on what he meant in his reply. zhamilla went through it with me. My thoughts on the letter are skewed with emotion and what I want to read into it. Sometimes people I am sure come on these boards just to get opinions.

a few perspectives on things aids in my weighing up , of what is best. So if general concencus is that I am wasting my time trying to fix this marriage , then it is time to divorce and move on.

People do not come on these boards just to get opinions, they come to get advice. People will stop trying to do that if it's clear the advice isn't going to be taken or the person is just trying to be the victim.

And you got it. You just didn't like it.

Suppose you were fat and went to a clinic where they helped obese people lose weight - where they specialized in coaching and motivating such people to make the change that would save their lives. Where they had a very good success rate. Where they knew that there were a lot of obstacles, had a lot of experience with what those obstacles were, and knew how to help coach and motivate people past them.

You would probably come in and not tell them to stop what they are saying to you, because everything they are saying is designed to help changing your thinking and your behavior. If you wanted success, you'd follow the program, rather than telling them that they can't change you.

That's where you are - only for affairs, not weight problems. There are people on your thread who have been helping people with this stuff for twelve years. They certainly know that it is difficult to make changes, and they want to help you do it. Dr. Harley has been doing this for thirty or forty years.

This plan for recovery works if followed! And some of us are pretty good coaches!

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8116_coach.html

Toni, have you read the book Buyers Renters and Freeloaders? It might help you understand where your H is coming from. He seems - from this letter - to have the relational philosophy of a freeloader: do nothing, expect nothing. I wonder if he operated this way while you were married? It may be helpful to examine both your - and his - overall approach to relationships.

Anyway, it's a great book and may give you insight into your situation. There is also a thread on the forum called, "Buyers, Renters and Freeloaders." You can read quotes from the book there.

Others may disagree, but I think it's very difficult for a wife to win back her husband, especially after her affair. Dr. Harley says that husbands have a better success rate winning back their wives - I'm not sure why. In any case, you could definitely do the steps outlined: Break contact with any other men, go into Plan A and show him what a great wife you are, etc. But the way he's speaking about this relationship with his girlfriend of 5 years and the fact that you tried to win him back after your affair several years ago...I'm not sure if it'll work, but it IS the best chance you've got to reconcile with him. (Again, other posters have more experience in this area, so I defer to their advice)

I will also mention that if you're still longing for your husband while with your boyfriend, it may mean that you are ambivalent about both of them, and having a hard time admitting it. You might want to examine why you're in limbo (i.e. haven't divorced, are living with your BF rather than committing to him, etc). It might be a good idea to have a completely clean slate, dig down deep and get to know yourself & what you want for your life.

Whatever you decide, you'll never go wrong if you spend some time reading the MB concepts here and get ready for a new way of living and doing relationships. Good luck, dear!

Here it is again.

Yes I am sorry honey, but he talks about moving on quite a few times in the letter. He says he doesn't want to revisit that bad time, that he wants distance from you and that he doesn't want to hear another sorry from you. He talks about being done with it all repetitively.

I know you didn't want to hear that, but it is understandable he doesn't want to play roulette yet again with his heart. He also sounds like he has healed himself and moved on.

I know if my WXH was in a relationship with someone else and wanted to contact me, I would very likely say the same things. If it were not for my NC provisions, that is. Because I have made it impossible for him to contact me, hopefully he will just move on in another direction. It doesn't mean I dislike him or think badly of him, it just means I don't need to go there ever again after being so hurt. Why should I? I don't have any reason and seemingly neither does your ex.

I also haven't seen any attacks on your character - more your actions. It wasn't a great tactic to try and make promises of faithfulness and change regarding an old relationship from within a new one. It is also not the best tactic to live with a man not interested in marrying you.

That is not a character attack, it is just an observation that another way might serve you better. Don't agree? OK.

People here don't agree with your relationship tactics, but it's fine if you don't agree with them. If you don't agree, and you are happy; go along with your original plan instead.

I do wish you happiness and of course you have every right to hold different opinions than the ones you find here.

Thank you again and again, Brainy!

Thank you so much.
I. think you hit the nail on the head and right about my next steps. That is to be on my own and then revisit husband . if I get rejected then , I follow through with divorce and start again.

That was so easy to type... I will download the book. I do read passages on here but I think a cover to cover reading is what I need to do.

Thank you again

I completely empathasize with how difficult it is, being on your own. I certainly don't like it. But I'm forcing myself to take care of myself, to be comfortable and healthy on my own, because then I'll be able to figure out whether someone is doing me good, or harm. Yuck - it's like taking nasty medicine, but I know it'll do me good.

I'm excited for your new path, Toni! Glad you'll be reading that book - I hope it is as helpful to you as it was to me. Here's to a new life for you, whatever comes in the future. I know it'll be great! Cheers! (glasses clinking together)

Will you please come back from time to time and tell us how you're doing? I know I'd love to keep up with your story.

Thanks for your support Zhamila

Toni we all wish you well.
A great resource is the MB Radio App. It is available free on this website