Someone does not like having a mirror held up.


This would take a lot of work, from both of you, to fix.

Toni, seriously. This is not the place to try and BS your way to hear what you want.

What do you expect people to say? You are a married woman living with a boyfriend. You aren't going to leave your boyfriend until you know for SURE (ie. your "analysis" shows) that your husband will dump his live-in and get back together with you.

You are a fence-sitter... hedge-better... and that "anger" you claim is just people calling you out for your still-dishonest behaviour.

If you want real solutions, let us know. Otherwise, it's just more BS and you haven't changed at all. That is what you need to hear, not what you want to hear.


If by some miracle you and your husband reunited tomorrow, you'd end up in this same position anyways since you both have wayward attitudes.

Toni, your husband has no desire to get back together with you. The things which tell me this are:

- He has forgiven you, not for your sake but for his own. This means he has chosen to move on
- He wants you both to be happy for the sake of the children. This means that he wants you to be happy without him
- He says the letter will stay with him. If he were interested in reconciling with you, he would say something very different, like: "I can't live without you. How about we get back together."
- If he were interested in reconciling with you, he would be pursuing you and you'd have no need to pursue him

I understand and empathasize with your feelings of regret and guilt. The best thing you can do to move on is to cut off all contact with your xH, and build a new life with new habits. Become the kind of woman you can be proud of. Learn from this mistake, and grow.

Dear, getting back with your husband will not make your guilt feelings go away. Accept the feelings, learn from the mistakes, and move on. Your husband has no magical power to make it 'go away,' as if it never happened.

Just walk forward with your head held high, never to repeat the mistakes of the past. That's all any of us can do.

A broken egg cannot be fixed. But you can use it to make a cake instead. Go make a cake.

He is talking about how you live your life and how you treat the people around you.




You came here for help and received 10 pages of advise.

You then snapped and turned it all around to make yourself feel like the victim of angry hurtful people.

There was nothing angry and hateful in any of the responses that you received. You now owe an apology to all the posters who answered your question.

That is what your BH is talking about. He wants you to look inside and become a better person. Then you will never have to say sorry again.

Thank you zhamilla, that was what I wanted.

I did not need further judgements on my character , while I am slowly turn my thinking around. It feels a bit like trying to steer a ship with an oar. My thinking is changing. Its a bit like telling a fat person , they are fat and expect them just to stop eating immediately. Never going to happen. it will be thought by thought

I wanted some opinions on what he meant in his reply. zhamilla went through it with me. My thoughts on the letter are skewed with emotion and what I want to read into it. Sometimes people I am sure come on these boards just to get opinions.

a few perspectives on things aids in my weighing up , of what is best. So if general concencus is that I am wasting my time trying to fix this marriage , then it is time to divorce and move on.

People do not come on these boards just to get opinions, they come to get advice. People will stop trying to do that if it's clear the advice isn't going to be taken or the person is just trying to be the victim.

And you got it. You just didn't like it.

Suppose you were fat and went to a clinic where they helped obese people lose weight - where they specialized in coaching and motivating such people to make the change that would save their lives. Where they had a very good success rate. Where they knew that there were a lot of obstacles, had a lot of experience with what those obstacles were, and knew how to help coach and motivate people past them.

You would probably come in and not tell them to stop what they are saying to you, because everything they are saying is designed to help changing your thinking and your behavior. If you wanted success, you'd follow the program, rather than telling them that they can't change you.

That's where you are - only for affairs, not weight problems. There are people on your thread who have been helping people with this stuff for twelve years. They certainly know that it is difficult to make changes, and they want to help you do it. Dr. Harley has been doing this for thirty or forty years.

This plan for recovery works if followed! And some of us are pretty good coaches!

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8116_coach.html

Toni, have you read the book Buyers Renters and Freeloaders? It might help you understand where your H is coming from. He seems - from this letter - to have the relational philosophy of a freeloader: do nothing, expect nothing. I wonder if he operated this way while you were married? It may be helpful to examine both your - and his - overall approach to relationships.

Anyway, it's a great book and may give you insight into your situation. There is also a thread on the forum called, "Buyers, Renters and Freeloaders." You can read quotes from the book there.

Others may disagree, but I think it's very difficult for a wife to win back her husband, especially after her affair. Dr. Harley says that husbands have a better success rate winning back their wives - I'm not sure why. In any case, you could definitely do the steps outlined: Break contact with any other men, go into Plan A and show him what a great wife you are, etc. But the way he's speaking about this relationship with his girlfriend of 5 years and the fact that you tried to win him back after your affair several years ago...I'm not sure if it'll work, but it IS the best chance you've got to reconcile with him. (Again, other posters have more experience in this area, so I defer to their advice)

I will also mention that if you're still longing for your husband while with your boyfriend, it may mean that you are ambivalent about both of them, and having a hard time admitting it. You might want to examine why you're in limbo (i.e. haven't divorced, are living with your BF rather than committing to him, etc). It might be a good idea to have a completely clean slate, dig down deep and get to know yourself & what you want for your life.

Whatever you decide, you'll never go wrong if you spend some time reading the MB concepts here and get ready for a new way of living and doing relationships. Good luck, dear!

Here it is again.

Yes I am sorry honey, but he talks about moving on quite a few times in the letter. He says he doesn't want to revisit that bad time, that he wants distance from you and that he doesn't want to hear another sorry from you. He talks about being done with it all repetitively.

I know you didn't want to hear that, but it is understandable he doesn't want to play roulette yet again with his heart. He also sounds like he has healed himself and moved on.

I know if my WXH was in a relationship with someone else and wanted to contact me, I would very likely say the same things. If it were not for my NC provisions, that is. Because I have made it impossible for him to contact me, hopefully he will just move on in another direction. It doesn't mean I dislike him or think badly of him, it just means I don't need to go there ever again after being so hurt. Why should I? I don't have any reason and seemingly neither does your ex.

I also haven't seen any attacks on your character - more your actions. It wasn't a great tactic to try and make promises of faithfulness and change regarding an old relationship from within a new one. It is also not the best tactic to live with a man not interested in marrying you.

That is not a character attack, it is just an observation that another way might serve you better. Don't agree? OK.

People here don't agree with your relationship tactics, but it's fine if you don't agree with them. If you don't agree, and you are happy; go along with your original plan instead.

I do wish you happiness and of course you have every right to hold different opinions than the ones you find here.

Thank you again and again, Brainy!

Thank you so much.
I. think you hit the nail on the head and right about my next steps. That is to be on my own and then revisit husband . if I get rejected then , I follow through with divorce and start again.

That was so easy to type... I will download the book. I do read passages on here but I think a cover to cover reading is what I need to do.

Thank you again

I completely empathasize with how difficult it is, being on your own. I certainly don't like it. But I'm forcing myself to take care of myself, to be comfortable and healthy on my own, because then I'll be able to figure out whether someone is doing me good, or harm. Yuck - it's like taking nasty medicine, but I know it'll do me good.

I'm excited for your new path, Toni! Glad you'll be reading that book - I hope it is as helpful to you as it was to me. Here's to a new life for you, whatever comes in the future. I know it'll be great! Cheers! (glasses clinking together)

Will you please come back from time to time and tell us how you're doing? I know I'd love to keep up with your story.

Thanks for your support Zhamila

Toni we all wish you well.
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