As I'm headed down the road for divorce I was wanting to get everyone's thoughts or experience on how they've handled Facebook or whatever other sites through their/after their divorce?

I think in cases of infidelity there's a very eerie footprint left behind. This year, two male acquaintances of mine that are roughly my age had their wives cheat and leave them also. One was about the same time as me, the other was about 6 months before me (in fact when it happened WW even commented to me how it was "tragic" what had happened to him...ironic). In both cases, like mine, you can see all of this playful interaction between spouses up to a point, and then it just stops a month or a few months before D-day. Being a betrayed spouse myself now, it's a bit chilling to see that and understand what was (probably) happening behind the scenes. Adultery is so stupid, short sighted and seemingly so sudden.

My WW and I have a long trail of FB banter back and forth that goes back to 2006, and so I've thought of just deleting my profile for the time being and making a new one after the D is finalized. I don't really want to preserve any of that.

What are your guys thoughts on the topic?

I deleted mine when I went into Plan B for the same reason. There is an option to download your photos if you want and then delete.

I think that was the best for me. I couldn't pretend and keep up the facade and I don't think anyone should.

I've made the decision not to go back to social media no matter what happens because I think it was intrusive to my marriage overall, and there are other downsides--like thinking everyone else's life is better than yours in some way.

I was off of FB for a little while following the divorce. It was good to take a breather from it. But at the same time, I really like FB, esp to check up on my kids so I reactived my account a while ago.

I defriended all family and close friends of my ex's, also people who didn't show me support in anyway or played the "neutral" card. I went back in my timeline and albums and obviously anything to do with ex and anything that triggered me at all went (which was a lot).

If I had a ton of stuff (I wasn't too active before) then I probably would have just started a new page.

Let us know what you decide!

It seems to inspire a great deal of envy in people.

Axe,

Just delete facebook.

Check out this.
its true. [video:youtube]Z7dLU6fk9QY[/video]

Great video! Co-workers are always shocked that H and I completely unplug on vacation. It drives my mom crazy and we have a few hundred email we return -- but the time is so PEACEFUL.

My wifes affair started on facebook.
they encourage individual accounts and secret messages.

My then WH was never on facebook so there are no exchanges with him on my wall. I have an fb account and deleted any photos of my now exWH. I'm still fb friends with ex-inlaws. It doesn't bother me.

Since you have extensive exchanges with your stbxWW and her family is being weird with you, I would delete you existing account and get a new one if you want.

Good thoughts everyone. I may end up deleting my account, it wouldn't take much work to re-add the small number of friends I have on there, and the amount of work required to purge WW from my timeline would be ridiculous.

I will say....I've got friends who did the shared FB account in the past (husband and wife on the same account) and I used to poo-poo that sort of thing as overkill....now I wish I would have done the same.

FB was a facilitator for my WW....she was FB friends with OM, people in his family, and other enablers. Her FB password changed from the one she shared with me (along with her phone password) sometime last summer when their affair began to get serious, and I wouldn't be surprised if they communicated a lot on there. WW and I shared most of our account passwords openly and up to D-day I had access to most of her email accounts and such...but her phone and FB had been changed sometime in the months before. That's what led to the fight that resulted in her moving out before D-day...I smelled a rat and she knew she was about to get caught. That's where the affair was happening. :S

Anything that enabled an affair should be gotten rid of. Also, this is way in the future--but would you want someone you date in the future to see your banter with your STBxW? Probably not. It's in the past. I left all my wedding pictures and even my wedding dress at my old apartment when I left because they are a trigger and because I didn't want to bring them into my new life. I just can't have that pain following me around forever.

This is pretty clever, I remember when this was first debuted. He makes some really good points.

I'm not quite as absolute on the issue of social media. I think it can supplement a healthy social circle instead of replacing it if you approach it the right way.

However, I do agree it creates some problems. Not sure exactly where I stand on it, to be honest. Hard to explain my position.

Yes, I agree. My goal for that future is for the topic of WW and the A to be brought up only when and if my future spouse wants to talk about it. I don't want to be one of these people that never shuts up or stops complaining about their ex. I want to forget she ever existed.

I found out a few weeks ago from my mother that her father actually had a first wife who cheated on him while he was deployed in the pacific campaign of WWII, and when he got back she had left him. Tragic, but the interesting thing is that I had no idea and I felt like I knew a lot about my grandfather. My mom apparently had forgot herself and then realized it when she was thinking about my situation. My grandfather and his WW had been together several years but had no children when she left, and he just moved on and started over with the woman who was my grandmother. They were married over 40 years until he died. The first wife who was a wayward just became a footnote in his personal history.

I want that as well, which is why I deleted FB. Unfortunately, I have a small person with his DNA running around; however, I am shutting the door as much as humanly possible as well with said small person in the mix. It's funny how much life can change and how someone who once meant so much starts to become a footnote, like you said.

Markos and I used to share a Facebook account, too. I still had an affair on Facebook, right under his nose. Shared accounts don't protect the marriage, but rather can give a false sense of security.

Our opinion: Social media is great for singles, but is a killer on marriages.

There is a bigger issue with facebook too.
as the video I posted shows, it creates a false reality.
I take my kids skating regularly and I watch most adults sit down and be on their phones. For hours.

Those are people with impulse control problems, IMO. I see that as a bigger problem than just Facebook. For all we know they might be playing Angry Birds or whatever else is on their phone. They've just decided that entertaining themselves constantly is more important than living in the world around them.

Some of us are chatting with our spouses
Or helping people in crisis on a marriage forum ....

Very true! I shouldn't be so quick to judge. I've been on MB with my smartphone more than a few times.

Oh man. This is me. MB has definitely replaced social media for me. Even if it does have much more value than FB.

Perhaps.
but I suspect they are wasting their time on facebook and games.
When my cousins child was in the hospital, I mailed a letter to him and his wife.
Never heard anything until I saw him a few months later.
With tears in his eyes, he thanked me for the letter. He told me he received a lot of comment on facebook during that time but only 2 handwritten letters: one from my grandmother and the other from me.
He said it meant so much to receive letter.

Social media is Changing relationships and communication in a bad way.
I use md to be fascinated by it but now im philosophically opposed to it

^Agree

It is interesting how you can track the progress of an affair with facebook and social media. My WW used to have a facebook account and at least every couple of weeks she would post sweet "I love you" messages on my wall. Right around the time her affair began, she stopped doing that. That was also the time when she stopped saying "I love you" to me entirely. A few months later, she closed her own facebook account and opened up a twitter account where she would communicate with OM and his circle of friends. On her facebook, she had lots of family members as her friends, but none on Twitter. Twitter was all about her secret second life.

Soo....update.

Obviously my D is final at this point.

I did keep FB, and I did keep my old account. I removed everyone from my friends list that was not a supporter of mine post exposure, as well as ex's entire family. Not to be rude, just because I don't care about what's going on in their lives anymore and I don't want updates or to see/hear about them. All the best to them, but that's in the past for me.

I decided to make an announcement about the divorce when it was final. Tried to make it classy and even-keeled, but I did tell the full truth about the where/when/why. Put a short apology in for the people who supported us and came to our wedding (not for the A, just that we ended up divorced), and a thank you to everyone who had supported me from my church, circle of friends and family. Took no cheap shots at my ex, simply stated what she did (along with stating that MB advice helped me try to bust up the affair and win her back) and left it at that.

WHY do this? A few reasons I did:

- Lots of people my age I know will divorce and then pretend nothing happened, no explanation. Is it their business what happened...yes, but if they are Christians, I expect more. We're the ones saying marriage is sacred. In one case I know a guy who I think was a BH that decided to D his wife immediately, uncontested. Brief announcement of D with no explanation, and then a month later they both post selfies with new romantic interests. My hunch on him being betrayed was that she was pregnant with OMs child only a few months later. In any case, this dude was a leader in his church and I thought it was all pretty shady. So yeah, I wanted people to know exactly what had happened. I think that's integrity in this circumstance to be forthright.

- Just so people knew THAT we were divorced, since I will be dating eventually. I exposed broadly, but not to everyone. Well, until now I guess.

- I have a small friends list. I don't just go add people willy-nilly. If you aren't my friend in real life and we never communicate online or otherwise, I'm not adding you on FB. I don't really care if we went to middle school together or whatever.

- Never know who else's marriage is in trouble and needs MB.

In any case, it has definitely been worth it to post that blurb. More support from people, people thanking me for telling them because they had no idea, people wanting to get together with me to check in on me, etc etc. As a non-MB sidenote, I also wanted to do this because God has been my anchor through this and given me so much in grace, joy and peace and I wanted to share that testimony with people. Marriage is very difficult sometimes I thought that might reach someone in my friends who's maybe going through an unspoken battle and encourage them. Also, I wanted to give God due credit.

What I'm going to do with the account is keep it for now. I untagged myself from ex's family's photos (there were a lot...my MIL was someone who photographed every get together and posted), but everything else I just left for now. It's the truth, it's what really happened, so why worry about it.

I figure when I date and remarry, if my new partner wants me to nuke the profile or FB all together, I will gladly oblige. For now I hang onto it because it's critical to my activities in my own family and at my church. Group messaging, etc. Sooo...yeah. That's what I did.

Ax its interesting you say that about how people are left in question when divorce is announced willy nilly with no explanation.

H and I have a couple that are friends. The husband was one of H's friends in high school and he and his wife have been dating since high school, so we have known them a long time. H was in their wedding which we attended together, a newly married couple ourselves. We are in communication with them but not on a regular basis over the years.

One day recently the wife posted on FB that they were divorcing, but with no other information. I was shocked in that they are the 'seems like a perfect couple' couple that you never expect it from (although I know better). Of course, I always wonder if infidelity plays a role right away. Anyway, I messaged the wife, not with questions but just with a 'very sorry to hear' kind of message. She never messaged me back. I DO feel a little bit like, although it is none of my business, I wish I knew what happened. Not because I am nosey but because I cared about them as a couple and really value marriage and valued their marriage and now its just...over.

So I for one think you did the right thing with your FB post.

Agree with unwritten. Did the right thing.