(((((((((LISA)))))))))<P>I was surprised to see my name up there, no one ever is looking for me!
<P>I remember feeling exactly where you are, and I absolutely hated it. In my experience, my ex had left on xmas day, a week later was discovery and within a few weeks after that, H was living with OW. And wanted his kids with him every other week.<P>At first, I tried my hardest to fight it. I looked to inlaws , who all stuck by me, except H's mom. I looked to a lawyer. Asked pediatrician and counselors to write notes to the judge. I even withheld visitation because I refused. <P>One night, my then H and the OW came to my house looking for me and the kids. I remember hiding and when they drove away whisking the kids into the car. I was so distraught I drove around and called my best friend and didn't even know where I was. My neighbors "snuck" me back home after police left my house, it was a nightmare.<P>I hated the OW from the day I found out about her. My ex called me while they were having s*x and I had to listen to that, well of course, I hung up when I figured it out, but still very cruel.<P>She would come with him to pick the kids up and I made him park in the street. I would also throw up every time I saw them together. For about 3 months. <P>One night, I was on my way out for a date (bad move, different story) and my daughter was dancing and stepped on a heater grill and sliced her foot open. I had to go to emergency and her dad met me. That night, I called looking to see if H left and OW and I had to talk on the phone for the first time. The only other time we talked, she threatened me for not letting the kids see their dad. She went on to tell me she loved my kids, it was very sick considering all that happened.<P>I got to court, and sure enough, no one would help me to protect my kids. I also knew, realistically, H would marry her since she put him up to a speedy divorce.<P>I prayed a lot. And I never hardly once prayed my whole life til this affair hit me like a ton of bricks. I looked for answers on the board. Someone, I don't even remember who, told me how similar her life was and how a few years later, her and OW actually got along.<P>I think you can only begin to think about getting along with her when you are with someone else. When you aren't "pining away" over your H so to speak. I know I could get flamed for that, but I'm just being honest. It was when I wasn't thinking of H so much that I began to deal with it. Realistically, you can heal and be ok with yourself and that would be best, I'm just saying since I dated too early that was part of how I did it , but I'm not saying it was right. <P>Little by little, OW started coming to the door, and since I couldn't make a scene it kept happening. She would answer the phone when I called to talk to my kids, and she would call me about things if she had questions.<P>I will give her this, she was VERY good to my kids, and at least I felt they were going to be fed and not injured. HOWEVER, she played a major part in destruction so how safe could they be??<P>I can't remember a single event that happened, when we just kept getting along, it was a series of small events. I'm not going to lie, it hurts like hell, still even to this day. I hate to think of them playing family with my kids this weekend while I'm home alone. But she always calls me if she's not sure of something, gives my kids all their baths, does all the cooking and as far as physically taking care of them, she does it, not their dad.<P>The thing is, if these affairs turn out to be long term, it is very unhealthy for the kids to feel tension between any of us. The counselors told me I had no choice but to get along with her. Since I worry about my kids, I researched online and asked lots of questions. It seems that the children who are brought up with the parents getting along, see their dad more and are more adjusted. Sometimes, when the exW and OW fight, the exH will chose OW over his family and the kids don't see their dad.<P>I felt I couldn't ever take any ounce of blame for my kids not seeing their dad, and that meant I had to find it in my heart to trust them, to love me enough , to love me more than her, and to not let her too close to them. It was very scary. But if they thought they hated her before they met her, that would have been from me poisoning their minds.<P>So one day, I just gave up. I don't remember how, or when but I know why. Because the professionals told me it would be best for my kids and the relationship wasn't ending. There are days I wonder if I were more bitter and restricted it more, could I have saved the marriage? But that might be holding my kids, or using my kids in an unfair way.<P>Deep down, I still hate her. But when the kids are around, her and I are ok. I'm a pretty nice person, but if I saw her stranded on the road, I might not stop.<P>Here's something interesting. 16 months later, my kids are saying she's changing. SHe yells at them now, and is "mean" according to them. NOW she has a ring and not out to impress my now exH. Also my exH HATES , cringes over, her son. So I fear that the children are all going to suffer.<P>Its easy for someone to say "you just have to accept it". Its VERY hard to accept it. I'd guess hardly any BS talk to OW or didn't fight against the visits, and many probably still are.<P>I honestly feel that the BS is "using" the events to bring OW around to shove her down their throats at times. I also feel the OW at times, use the children to get to our spouse. So what I see, is the children being used by everyone and that hurts.<P>As far as getting sick, or vomitting, I never vomitted like this before the affair. I have been doing it over a year now and my close friend just told me today that she thinks I have developed an eating disorder of some sort. I honestly am never hungry and the site of my ex , and even stress in my regular life, make me so sick I throw up. I don't do it on purpose, yet I can't control it. So I would say if that continues, you might want to look into it, as I might myself soon.<P>Since you asked me not to tell you to "just accept it", I can't do that!
But I researched a lot, read a lot of books, and I even started writing a book, all to cope with your same question. Put your kids in counseling and tell their pediatrician everything.<P>Everything I've done has been for the kids, but I second guess it a lot. I give you a lot of credit for asking this question because it is very frightening, I know.<P>Like I said I'm not really terribly religious, but back then, I read the bible and prayed a lot and thats what helped me a lot too.<P>I probably didn't help as much as I'd like, but feel free to email me at MissDMBrown@aol.com anytime. <BR>Hugs, Dana<P><BR>