What if spouse is abusive to the children? - 12/02/02 10:48 PM
I need some advice.....
H and I are separated, since 6/02 and are in counseling. Don't know how this is going to work out.
I am still stuck at admitting that my marriage was abusive....and figuring out what to do from here on. I know I am still bothered about incidents from the past. (mostly-the incidents where my children were who the "abuse" was directed at) I guess I am looking for validation of my feelings, as silly as that sounds. My H has had over the years rage problems. I feel like each and every one chipped away at me until I no longer cared about him. Ended up in withdrawl (along with isolation and depression, etc) At the time we separated, I felt relief and was sure it was over. Something made me want to give it one last shot. MC seems to be focusing on the present. I am still very disturbed by the past and until I know that he acknowledges that his behavior was wrong, I can't seem to move on.
Here are some examples of "incidents" we have had:
BTW-we have 2 children together, D15 and S11 and I have a daughter from a previous marriage who is 21.
*When oldest D was 15, he got upset about her being out too late, and tried to kick her out of our house. (this was her 1st major offense)H called her dad to come and get her, without my knowledge.
*After not getting his way on the above, he would have nothing to do with my daughter throughout her HS years.
*When son was 5, he spilled pop in H's truck. H did not speak to him for 3 days.
*When son was 2, H got angry and destroyed the kitchen (overturned tables and chairs, broke things, threw things, punched the microwave cracking it) Son was in the next room.
*When girls were 8 and 3, he got angry and kicked over all my plants sending dirt everywhere.
*When his daughter was about 11, the 3 of us were in the vehicle. He got angry with me, was yelling, calling me stupid, etc. D was crying and begging him to stop. He yelled at her saying he hates us all. She said "Me, too?" He said "yes" (after all, we were "teaming up against him")
*When his daughter had sex for the 1st time earlier this year (which was actually a bad experience for her) he stopped speaking to her. And continued the silent treatment for 5 months.
*Daughter becomes depressed and suicidal. When I try to talk to him about it, he talks about how it makes HIM feel.
*H and I and 2 kids were in the vehicle going to church when he got angry and slammed on the brakes at 60 mph. Turned around to go home. Kids were scared and crying in the back. Then, he did it again saying we WERE "effin" going to church.
*Has demonstrated INSANE jealousy over the years which led to many LOUD, ridulous fights, within the kids hearing.
*Always uses cursing when "disciplining" the kids. along with sarcasm. hurts their self esteem.
*H has always shared his "side of the story" with the children, ever since they were very young. Trying, evidently, to get them against me. Even in spite of me begging him to not involve them in details of our problems.
*H still (since separated) talks to the kids about "his side" Places all the blame on me for "destroying the family"
I have more examples, but you probably get the point. Anyway, I think this is emotional/mental abuse of the kids. Do you agree? He has at times been very cruel and hateful to me. Every attempt I made to discuss this with him resulted in him saying "eff it" get a divorce if you hate me so much. He was abused as a child and compared to that, this is mild. But to me, even mild is too much. He thinks all dads are like this. Silent treatment is a good punishment. He is just being "honest" with the kids when he tell them all about his problems with me. He doesn't acknowledge that he has done anything wrong.
Currently, in counseling, he has calmed down a lot. He is a lot more patient and loving with the kids. (to the extreme that he lets our youngest, our son, do whatever he wants. buys him anything he wants. allows him to use cursing. skip school, etc.) He and our daughter don't have much of a relationship. He and I haven't had a "fight" for quite a while. But then again, I do not confront him, if we are disagreeing, I back off. Habit.
How could I learn to trust him again? Or can I at all? These things with the kids seem very serious to me. I am not overreacting, am I? Sometimes I feel like I cannot forgive and forget these things with the kids. This isn't a normal, healthy way for a dad to act, is it? I feel the need to protect them. I am not against discipline, but his methods are cruel, IMO. This is not about control, either. I feel he is mean. My biggest reason for going to counseling is that he will see things differently. I know I cannot make him, but I can hope. If we can both change, we might be able to be a family again. I am willing to change myself and my patterns.
Has anyone had a spouse who acts like this? How can I love someone who is so mean to someone I love?
H and I are separated, since 6/02 and are in counseling. Don't know how this is going to work out.
I am still stuck at admitting that my marriage was abusive....and figuring out what to do from here on. I know I am still bothered about incidents from the past. (mostly-the incidents where my children were who the "abuse" was directed at) I guess I am looking for validation of my feelings, as silly as that sounds. My H has had over the years rage problems. I feel like each and every one chipped away at me until I no longer cared about him. Ended up in withdrawl (along with isolation and depression, etc) At the time we separated, I felt relief and was sure it was over. Something made me want to give it one last shot. MC seems to be focusing on the present. I am still very disturbed by the past and until I know that he acknowledges that his behavior was wrong, I can't seem to move on.
Here are some examples of "incidents" we have had:
BTW-we have 2 children together, D15 and S11 and I have a daughter from a previous marriage who is 21.
*When oldest D was 15, he got upset about her being out too late, and tried to kick her out of our house. (this was her 1st major offense)H called her dad to come and get her, without my knowledge.
*After not getting his way on the above, he would have nothing to do with my daughter throughout her HS years.
*When son was 5, he spilled pop in H's truck. H did not speak to him for 3 days.
*When son was 2, H got angry and destroyed the kitchen (overturned tables and chairs, broke things, threw things, punched the microwave cracking it) Son was in the next room.
*When girls were 8 and 3, he got angry and kicked over all my plants sending dirt everywhere.
*When his daughter was about 11, the 3 of us were in the vehicle. He got angry with me, was yelling, calling me stupid, etc. D was crying and begging him to stop. He yelled at her saying he hates us all. She said "Me, too?" He said "yes" (after all, we were "teaming up against him")
*When his daughter had sex for the 1st time earlier this year (which was actually a bad experience for her) he stopped speaking to her. And continued the silent treatment for 5 months.
*Daughter becomes depressed and suicidal. When I try to talk to him about it, he talks about how it makes HIM feel.
*H and I and 2 kids were in the vehicle going to church when he got angry and slammed on the brakes at 60 mph. Turned around to go home. Kids were scared and crying in the back. Then, he did it again saying we WERE "effin" going to church.
*Has demonstrated INSANE jealousy over the years which led to many LOUD, ridulous fights, within the kids hearing.
*Always uses cursing when "disciplining" the kids. along with sarcasm. hurts their self esteem.
*H has always shared his "side of the story" with the children, ever since they were very young. Trying, evidently, to get them against me. Even in spite of me begging him to not involve them in details of our problems.
*H still (since separated) talks to the kids about "his side" Places all the blame on me for "destroying the family"
I have more examples, but you probably get the point. Anyway, I think this is emotional/mental abuse of the kids. Do you agree? He has at times been very cruel and hateful to me. Every attempt I made to discuss this with him resulted in him saying "eff it" get a divorce if you hate me so much. He was abused as a child and compared to that, this is mild. But to me, even mild is too much. He thinks all dads are like this. Silent treatment is a good punishment. He is just being "honest" with the kids when he tell them all about his problems with me. He doesn't acknowledge that he has done anything wrong.
Currently, in counseling, he has calmed down a lot. He is a lot more patient and loving with the kids. (to the extreme that he lets our youngest, our son, do whatever he wants. buys him anything he wants. allows him to use cursing. skip school, etc.) He and our daughter don't have much of a relationship. He and I haven't had a "fight" for quite a while. But then again, I do not confront him, if we are disagreeing, I back off. Habit.
How could I learn to trust him again? Or can I at all? These things with the kids seem very serious to me. I am not overreacting, am I? Sometimes I feel like I cannot forgive and forget these things with the kids. This isn't a normal, healthy way for a dad to act, is it? I feel the need to protect them. I am not against discipline, but his methods are cruel, IMO. This is not about control, either. I feel he is mean. My biggest reason for going to counseling is that he will see things differently. I know I cannot make him, but I can hope. If we can both change, we might be able to be a family again. I am willing to change myself and my patterns.
Has anyone had a spouse who acts like this? How can I love someone who is so mean to someone I love?