'My story' - long! - 03/25/04 04:26 PM
summer2003 (Anybody Divorce strictly due to Betrayal) inspired me to write this post… and ‘cause this is so long, I didn’t want to mess that thread…
It’s long… please excuse me… I have needed this (as a little vent) for a long time…
We dated 5 years; loved each other. Decided to have a baby, I got pregnant, we bought a nice house, moved in.
Moving in together somehow changed everything. Period of compromises, my compromises; he wanted to have life he had had for a long time living alone… It means – freedom! To do what he wants and when he wants. And not to be bothered at all… (The last days before labor-day, I couldn’t sleep well, was snoring too – he complained he couldn’t sleep… than he would go somewhere away ‘to get some rest’…)
Then, we got a boy… healthy, cute and so alert boy from his first day… I was breastfeeding him… getting up from the bed every 1-2 hours… after just two days when I decided I cannot take Xs complaining anymore and moved to sleep in the living room, not to bother him in the night… Still, he was…
I had baby blues, was sad all the time, more sad seeing him not taking any care neither of me or of our son… He would spend maximum 5 minutes every 4-5 hours playing with baby – that was all… I told him to help me EMOTIONALLY, to show me his love, respect… nothing more! He answered I needed antidepressants, medical help, I’m sick, etc… because he still loved me ‘it was me seeing things differently’…
When our boys was 2 months old, I got back to our bedroom; he begun sleeping through the night (since that time, he sleeps like normal adults do… great baby!)
No sex… he was always tired, always in a bad mood… yelling at me often… no signs of any kindness… no support either… I was on maternity leave and was paying half of house expenses plus everything for the baby… my credit cards balances were more and more red… (X bought the FIRST thing for our boy when he was 14 months old… Up to the date I left him, during 2,5 years living together - he had bought nothing for me, neither flowers after giving birth to our boy… nor took me out for any supper, except twice on my birthdays…)
X began going more and more often away for whole weekends… ‘to see his parents’ 3 hours away…
Sometimes he would go to work on Friday morning, I wouldn’t here from him till Saturday, phoning me and saying – I’m with them… (much, much later I learned it was not them but ‘her’, a girlfriend of Xs sister living in the same town…..)
I was telling him that is very disrespectful, I don’t ask him to wait for my ‘permission’ to go, but just to let me know in advance if he planned weekends away, to be able to organize house duties (and I worked full time too!!) and care of baby…
He was telling me that I’m a nagging and controlling *****….. no right to ask him what he was doing, especially when he’s with his parents…
Our boy was 7 months old when X brought his ‘old girl-friend’ and her daughter to our home… without asking me even about my opinion… The stayed 1,5 months, I didn’t dare to say anything to them… were drinking, loud music… going out…and I was alone, sad, so unhappy…
I still think she is just a friend of his… but my mom doesn’t think so…..
I didn’t feel like a woman at all! I did begun nagging, became bitter, sarcastic, *****ing, mad… not a nice picture really… I was crying, begging him to talk to me about his needs, my needs… he’d say – ‘everything is just fine, you just have hallucinations that I have a lover, that I don’t love you anymore’, etc…
I felt quilty, I felt sick, I went to see doctor to ask him if I’m normal anymore, I went to IC… They said I was totally mentally healthy, but still I allowed him to convince me that I’m getting – crazy…..
But, my true strong nature fought back… I accepted myself the way I am… and decided it’s high time to love myself again… to accept I cannot make him happy, and not to allow to spend the rest of my life in emotional/spousal misery… I was telling myself – ok, you are a paranoic, and sick, and *****, and no woman, and nothing, BUT you are the only you've got in this life and EVEN IF ALL OF THAT – DON’T ALLOW ANYONE to put you down, so down you cannot breathe anymore, in that mud…..
Was thinking of leaving him… and suffering a lot….. still loved him… and knew I’d get REALLY MENTALLY SICK if I stayed with him…
Somehow he accepted MC… saying he was doing that for me!… Those secions were trying to covince C that I’m sick and need an urgent medical care………
Than, it came Mar 15/03… found a restaurant bill… explored/spied… and found out… it was ‘her’’’ – I not only was normal but showed my intuition was still good…..
I left the house with my son the same night… Every day he was begging me to come back… and I did… giving him one more chance…
He never admitted any affair, really tried to make me happy – for two weeks… than, again, it was as before… If he ever were honest with me, we still had the chance… I understand his reasons (I’m not perfect), but I had reasons too! He’s 50! (I’m 44) and he’s not so young not to know what he wants in his life… Hadn’t he had enough lovers, adventures, “freedom”…???
If he even told me honestly – OK, I fall in love with her… I’d feel better, at least he’s HONEST WITH ME!
Never he has!
Just continued the same lifestyle…..
And, I decided to leave the home again, with my son, and never go back…..
Was it just because of affair?
NO!
If I had a good life with him, I’d everything to get him back to me!
But, A just accelerated what I decided already, just was not ready to admit to myself yet…
That was just THE LAST drop in my already full glass… couldn’t take it…..
He’s still ‘with her’ (meeting every 2nd/3rd weekend in that town)… don’t know his plans with her (he’d never tell ME)… I guess I’ll just see it one day… And I accept it… Although I still love him dearly, but – it isn’t enough!
I’ll have what I need or – spend the rest of my life alone!!!
(I have my son and anyway - will be very busy next 15 years… <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> )
And, he still wants reconciliation, telling me he loves me…
And, I don’t believe him… I think he knows he couldn’t live with her, but it’s more convenient to live with me and do things behind my back as before… and although my heart is still full of sadness and desire for him – I am not going to ALLOW MYSELF to have that kind of relationship anymore, never ever!
I learned much about myself going through this… Now, from this distance of 6 months being separated… I can conclude - Yes, I could get over A… but not over lies… I could regain trust (if someone is REALLY repentant and wants reconciliation… but it’ll never be the same… trust I mean… and – no, it is not worth of all the work… I guess I’m too old for this… younger people might have ‘justifying excuses’ when straying, and should be given another chance… but not us, older ones…
It’s time for a stable relationship and in harmony, or – nothing at al…..
If anyone reached till here <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> , welcome for your stories! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
Moreover, opinions (and critics!) are welcome too! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
It’s long… please excuse me… I have needed this (as a little vent) for a long time…
We dated 5 years; loved each other. Decided to have a baby, I got pregnant, we bought a nice house, moved in.
Moving in together somehow changed everything. Period of compromises, my compromises; he wanted to have life he had had for a long time living alone… It means – freedom! To do what he wants and when he wants. And not to be bothered at all… (The last days before labor-day, I couldn’t sleep well, was snoring too – he complained he couldn’t sleep… than he would go somewhere away ‘to get some rest’…)
Then, we got a boy… healthy, cute and so alert boy from his first day… I was breastfeeding him… getting up from the bed every 1-2 hours… after just two days when I decided I cannot take Xs complaining anymore and moved to sleep in the living room, not to bother him in the night… Still, he was…
I had baby blues, was sad all the time, more sad seeing him not taking any care neither of me or of our son… He would spend maximum 5 minutes every 4-5 hours playing with baby – that was all… I told him to help me EMOTIONALLY, to show me his love, respect… nothing more! He answered I needed antidepressants, medical help, I’m sick, etc… because he still loved me ‘it was me seeing things differently’…
When our boys was 2 months old, I got back to our bedroom; he begun sleeping through the night (since that time, he sleeps like normal adults do… great baby!)
No sex… he was always tired, always in a bad mood… yelling at me often… no signs of any kindness… no support either… I was on maternity leave and was paying half of house expenses plus everything for the baby… my credit cards balances were more and more red… (X bought the FIRST thing for our boy when he was 14 months old… Up to the date I left him, during 2,5 years living together - he had bought nothing for me, neither flowers after giving birth to our boy… nor took me out for any supper, except twice on my birthdays…)
X began going more and more often away for whole weekends… ‘to see his parents’ 3 hours away…
Sometimes he would go to work on Friday morning, I wouldn’t here from him till Saturday, phoning me and saying – I’m with them… (much, much later I learned it was not them but ‘her’, a girlfriend of Xs sister living in the same town…..)
I was telling him that is very disrespectful, I don’t ask him to wait for my ‘permission’ to go, but just to let me know in advance if he planned weekends away, to be able to organize house duties (and I worked full time too!!) and care of baby…
He was telling me that I’m a nagging and controlling *****….. no right to ask him what he was doing, especially when he’s with his parents…
Our boy was 7 months old when X brought his ‘old girl-friend’ and her daughter to our home… without asking me even about my opinion… The stayed 1,5 months, I didn’t dare to say anything to them… were drinking, loud music… going out…and I was alone, sad, so unhappy…
I still think she is just a friend of his… but my mom doesn’t think so…..
I didn’t feel like a woman at all! I did begun nagging, became bitter, sarcastic, *****ing, mad… not a nice picture really… I was crying, begging him to talk to me about his needs, my needs… he’d say – ‘everything is just fine, you just have hallucinations that I have a lover, that I don’t love you anymore’, etc…
I felt quilty, I felt sick, I went to see doctor to ask him if I’m normal anymore, I went to IC… They said I was totally mentally healthy, but still I allowed him to convince me that I’m getting – crazy…..
But, my true strong nature fought back… I accepted myself the way I am… and decided it’s high time to love myself again… to accept I cannot make him happy, and not to allow to spend the rest of my life in emotional/spousal misery… I was telling myself – ok, you are a paranoic, and sick, and *****, and no woman, and nothing, BUT you are the only you've got in this life and EVEN IF ALL OF THAT – DON’T ALLOW ANYONE to put you down, so down you cannot breathe anymore, in that mud…..
Was thinking of leaving him… and suffering a lot….. still loved him… and knew I’d get REALLY MENTALLY SICK if I stayed with him…
Somehow he accepted MC… saying he was doing that for me!… Those secions were trying to covince C that I’m sick and need an urgent medical care………
Than, it came Mar 15/03… found a restaurant bill… explored/spied… and found out… it was ‘her’’’ – I not only was normal but showed my intuition was still good…..
I left the house with my son the same night… Every day he was begging me to come back… and I did… giving him one more chance…
He never admitted any affair, really tried to make me happy – for two weeks… than, again, it was as before… If he ever were honest with me, we still had the chance… I understand his reasons (I’m not perfect), but I had reasons too! He’s 50! (I’m 44) and he’s not so young not to know what he wants in his life… Hadn’t he had enough lovers, adventures, “freedom”…???
If he even told me honestly – OK, I fall in love with her… I’d feel better, at least he’s HONEST WITH ME!
Never he has!
Just continued the same lifestyle…..
And, I decided to leave the home again, with my son, and never go back…..
Was it just because of affair?
NO!
If I had a good life with him, I’d everything to get him back to me!
But, A just accelerated what I decided already, just was not ready to admit to myself yet…
That was just THE LAST drop in my already full glass… couldn’t take it…..
He’s still ‘with her’ (meeting every 2nd/3rd weekend in that town)… don’t know his plans with her (he’d never tell ME)… I guess I’ll just see it one day… And I accept it… Although I still love him dearly, but – it isn’t enough!
I’ll have what I need or – spend the rest of my life alone!!!
(I have my son and anyway - will be very busy next 15 years… <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> )
And, he still wants reconciliation, telling me he loves me…
And, I don’t believe him… I think he knows he couldn’t live with her, but it’s more convenient to live with me and do things behind my back as before… and although my heart is still full of sadness and desire for him – I am not going to ALLOW MYSELF to have that kind of relationship anymore, never ever!
I learned much about myself going through this… Now, from this distance of 6 months being separated… I can conclude - Yes, I could get over A… but not over lies… I could regain trust (if someone is REALLY repentant and wants reconciliation… but it’ll never be the same… trust I mean… and – no, it is not worth of all the work… I guess I’m too old for this… younger people might have ‘justifying excuses’ when straying, and should be given another chance… but not us, older ones…
It’s time for a stable relationship and in harmony, or – nothing at al…..
If anyone reached till here <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> , welcome for your stories! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
Moreover, opinions (and critics!) are welcome too! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />