summer2003 (Anybody Divorce strictly due to Betrayal) inspired me to write this post… and ‘cause this is so long, I didn’t want to mess that thread…


It’s long… please excuse me… I have needed this (as a little vent) for a long time…

We dated 5 years; loved each other. Decided to have a baby, I got pregnant, we bought a nice house, moved in.
Moving in together somehow changed everything. Period of compromises, my compromises; he wanted to have life he had had for a long time living alone… It means – freedom! To do what he wants and when he wants. And not to be bothered at all… (The last days before labor-day, I couldn’t sleep well, was snoring too – he complained he couldn’t sleep… than he would go somewhere away ‘to get some rest’…)

Then, we got a boy… healthy, cute and so alert boy from his first day… I was breastfeeding him… getting up from the bed every 1-2 hours… after just two days when I decided I cannot take Xs complaining anymore and moved to sleep in the living room, not to bother him in the night… Still, he was…
I had baby blues, was sad all the time, more sad seeing him not taking any care neither of me or of our son… He would spend maximum 5 minutes every 4-5 hours playing with baby – that was all… I told him to help me EMOTIONALLY, to show me his love, respect… nothing more! He answered I needed antidepressants, medical help, I’m sick, etc… because he still loved me ‘it was me seeing things differently’…

When our boys was 2 months old, I got back to our bedroom; he begun sleeping through the night (since that time, he sleeps like normal adults do… great baby!)
No sex… he was always tired, always in a bad mood… yelling at me often… no signs of any kindness… no support either… I was on maternity leave and was paying half of house expenses plus everything for the baby… my credit cards balances were more and more red… (X bought the FIRST thing for our boy when he was 14 months old… Up to the date I left him, during 2,5 years living together - he had bought nothing for me, neither flowers after giving birth to our boy… nor took me out for any supper, except twice on my birthdays…)

X began going more and more often away for whole weekends… ‘to see his parents’ 3 hours away…
Sometimes he would go to work on Friday morning, I wouldn’t here from him till Saturday, phoning me and saying – I’m with them… (much, much later I learned it was not them but ‘her’, a girlfriend of Xs sister living in the same town…..)
I was telling him that is very disrespectful, I don’t ask him to wait for my ‘permission’ to go, but just to let me know in advance if he planned weekends away, to be able to organize house duties (and I worked full time too!!) and care of baby…
He was telling me that I’m a nagging and controlling *****….. no right to ask him what he was doing, especially when he’s with his parents…

Our boy was 7 months old when X brought his ‘old girl-friend’ and her daughter to our home… without asking me even about my opinion… The stayed 1,5 months, I didn’t dare to say anything to them… were drinking, loud music… going out…and I was alone, sad, so unhappy…
I still think she is just a friend of his… but my mom doesn’t think so…..

I didn’t feel like a woman at all! I did begun nagging, became bitter, sarcastic, *****ing, mad… not a nice picture really… I was crying, begging him to talk to me about his needs, my needs… he’d say – ‘everything is just fine, you just have hallucinations that I have a lover, that I don’t love you anymore’, etc…
I felt quilty, I felt sick, I went to see doctor to ask him if I’m normal anymore, I went to IC… They said I was totally mentally healthy, but still I allowed him to convince me that I’m getting – crazy…..

But, my true strong nature fought back… I accepted myself the way I am… and decided it’s high time to love myself again… to accept I cannot make him happy, and not to allow to spend the rest of my life in emotional/spousal misery… I was telling myself – ok, you are a paranoic, and sick, and *****, and no woman, and nothing, BUT you are the only you've got in this life and EVEN IF ALL OF THAT – DON’T ALLOW ANYONE to put you down, so down you cannot breathe anymore, in that mud…..
Was thinking of leaving him… and suffering a lot….. still loved him… and knew I’d get REALLY MENTALLY SICK if I stayed with him…

Somehow he accepted MC… saying he was doing that for me!… Those secions were trying to covince C that I’m sick and need an urgent medical care………

Than, it came Mar 15/03… found a restaurant bill… explored/spied… and found out… it was ‘her’’’ – I not only was normal but showed my intuition was still good…..

I left the house with my son the same night… Every day he was begging me to come back… and I did… giving him one more chance…

He never admitted any affair, really tried to make me happy – for two weeks… than, again, it was as before… If he ever were honest with me, we still had the chance… I understand his reasons (I’m not perfect), but I had reasons too! He’s 50! (I’m 44) and he’s not so young not to know what he wants in his life… Hadn’t he had enough lovers, adventures, “freedom”…???
If he even told me honestly – OK, I fall in love with her… I’d feel better, at least he’s HONEST WITH ME!
Never he has!
Just continued the same lifestyle…..

And, I decided to leave the home again, with my son, and never go back…..

Was it just because of affair?
NO!
If I had a good life with him, I’d everything to get him back to me!
But, A just accelerated what I decided already, just was not ready to admit to myself yet…
That was just THE LAST drop in my already full glass… couldn’t take it…..

He’s still ‘with her’ (meeting every 2nd/3rd weekend in that town)… don’t know his plans with her (he’d never tell ME)… I guess I’ll just see it one day… And I accept it… Although I still love him dearly, but – it isn’t enough!
I’ll have what I need or – spend the rest of my life alone!!!
(I have my son and anyway - will be very busy next 15 years&#8230; <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> )
And, he still wants reconciliation, telling me he loves me&#8230;
And, I don&#8217;t believe him&#8230; I think he knows he couldn&#8217;t live with her, but it&#8217;s more convenient to live with me and do things behind my back as before&#8230; and although my heart is still full of sadness and desire for him &#8211; I am not going to ALLOW MYSELF to have that kind of relationship anymore, never ever!

I learned much about myself going through this&#8230; Now, from this distance of 6 months being separated&#8230; I can conclude - Yes, I could get over A&#8230; but not over lies&#8230; I could regain trust (if someone is REALLY repentant and wants reconciliation&#8230; but it&#8217;ll never be the same&#8230; trust I mean&#8230; and &#8211; no, it is not worth of all the work&#8230; I guess I&#8217;m too old for this&#8230; younger people might have &#8216;justifying excuses&#8217; when straying, and should be given another chance&#8230; but not us, older ones&#8230;
It&#8217;s time for a stable relationship and in harmony, or &#8211; nothing at al&#8230;..


If anyone reached till here <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> , welcome for your stories! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />


Moreover, opinions (and critics!) are welcome too! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

My heart broke when I read your story. Although there are some differences in our stories, there is a huge similarity - that feeling of worthlessness. The feeling that no one could ever love me again, after all, why would they want to? If my own spouse could abandon me so easily, I must not have a single good quality.
Also, I remember in the beginning feeling like it was ALL my fault - if only I had done this, that, or the other thing, he would not have left, and the kids would still have their Dad. I know it is a crock of crap now, but it still surfaces occasionally. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />
I have been sitting here thinking of my response to the original question - did you leave just because of the infidelity. I would have to say no - that is not why I left (actually he left, moved in with her on D day.) In my case he never tried to reconcile - never denied the affair. He claimed that she was "the one" his "soul mate". That he was never supposed to marry me, he was supposed to marry her. That he had to divorce me so he could marry her right away. So I had to go through with the divorce. Oddly enough, I knew through the whole thing that she was not "the one" that they would self destruct eventually, which is happening all ready. I knew that I could stall the divorce and eventually they would fight, break up, and he would look for somewhere to live. I did not want to wait for him to come out of the fog. What I decided was that I did not want to be his second choice. I am a good person. I cooked for him - every day. I cleaned up after him - every day. I have worked full time all the years we were married. I went out of my way to make him happy, to keep him from losing his temper. I can remember getting 50 bucks cash every year from dad for Christmas, and using it to buy groceries, while he spent his 50 on toys. He would say that it was my own fault I was spending mine on groceries, but I always wondered where in the heck he thought I was supposed to come up with the money any other way. I never tried to make him feel bad about it. I just did it, because I figured that was a Moms duty. Funny how much money I have these days to spend on myself! I actually buy brand new clothes now instead of Goodwill!!I did not want to wait for him to come out of the fog.
I do not miss him anymore. I pity him.
He is moving in with his mom this week, saying that he needs to save money. That he and the 2 bit ***** he lived with are still "together" but he is moving out. I think this is the beginning of the end for them. He will be 42 years old, and living with his mom. Yuck. I remember the day he left, and I asked him "where will you live?" and his answer was "I don't know, I will cross that bridge when I come to it". It is a shame he did not think things through BEFORE he started a relationship with her.
I am seeing a wonderful man now, who has been through a similar experience. His wife gave him the "I don't love you anymore" speech so he moved out, and the OM moved in. That was 2 years ago. I find myself falling for this guy all ready, and worry that I could end up with a broken heart again. But I don't want to spend the rest of my life alone just to keep from being hurt.
One of the things I most appreciate about him is his even temper. If someone cuts him off on the freeway he doesn't yell and scream. My EX actually went after people who cut him off. My ex would scream at the boys "you f*c*in piece of sh**" and I would sit on the couch in terror. He never hit us, but I was afraid of his temper. I thought that was just something men do. I am starting to realize that not all men have a bad temper! Praise God! And I am starting to realize I might, just might be worthy of one of these good men.
Anyway, I think that an affair can be forgiven, but only if the WS wants to be forgiven. When they have a million excuses to justify their actions, and most of those excuses are your fault, you eventually have to cut your losses.
I am anxious to see if he turns out to be one of those guys who is "once a cheater, always a cheater"
I have come to a very startling conclusion too. In having an affair he thought he was pretty hot stuff. he thought he deserved some type of other worldly happiness only available to him. But he is a fat, gray, 42 year old man who makes $2800.00 a month and expects to be able to sit back and wait for people to make him happy. I catered to that crap for 18 years. Lord help the next woman. I was willing to do it becuase we have children together. What motivation does the next woman have?
I agree with your comments about men in the 40 plus category - they should be smarter than that. They should have a little more maturity.
Perhaps he can gain some maturity when he moves in with his mom. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />