WWs actual separation letter--PLEASE read and adivse, PLEASE!! - 04/29/04 07:14 PM
I can't even begin to know how you are feeling, although I can imagine you are becoming extremely frustrated with me...and for good reason. I know you are probably thinking I am walking around acting "indifferent" or not even caring about everything that's going on in our lives, but that couldn't be any further from the truth. What's going on in our lives is consuming my thoughts and on my mind 24-7. I don't think I've had a peaceful day in months. And, to be honest, it's getting worse for me. I'm now in an irritable, angry phase. I'm going to try to explain why.
It appears to me sometimes that you are walking around like everything is OK with us and that everything is going to be fine. Bob, it's not OK...we have serious issues we're facing. I violated our marriage and the vows we took and the simple fact that you are willing to forgive me so quickly is mind-boggling to me. I know your newfound faith is playing a large part with that, but I think eventually you are going to need to actually face this head-on and go through an angry phase and deal with it too. You can't just hide behind your faith assuming everything is out in the open and now we can work this out. I know you want to believe evertyhing will be OK, but have you really even begun to ask yourself and/or me...why this happened? I know communication isn't one of my strong points, but I believe some of this lack of communication (at least on my part), is that I'm the one who cheated on you...I don't know how to approach the conversationt. But, it's your issue too and you have a right to ask about it. Why haven't you? When you ask me lately "how are you" and I say "in a funk" or "not wonderful"...why dont' you ever pursue the issue? Is it because you are scared what I have to say? It's not all my responsibility to talk things through. Or, you just say "your're OK". NO I"M NOT OK!!! I have a ton of issues that I'm trying to deal with and it's overwhelming me.
I'm dealing with the fact that I may not love my husband anymore. I'm dealing with the fact that I am considering a separation for us. I'm dealing with the fact that I cheated on you emotionally/physically for 6 months and have strong feelings for that man. I'm dealing with the fact that I have 3 children involved here that could be hurt by all of this. Among the other daily things I have going on in my life. So, please don't try to tell me I'll be OK. Let me have my feelings and emotions and try to sort them out, in whatever way I know how.
I also know how hurt you are that I can't be intimate with you, let alone kiss you in Florida. You aren't the one that had an affair. For the last six months, I've allowed myself to open up my heart and soul to someone else. Just as you said God filled your void, R**** filled a void in me that has been empty for so long. It's obviously hard to just redirect the feelings to you...especially since I wasn't sharing them with you for so long prior to all of this anyway. I know that you want to know if I've talked to him...and I have been honest with you when I said yes. I also want you to know that him and I came to an agreement a couple of weeks ago that we would have no contact with each other so that we can give our marriages the full attention they deserve. And, honestly, that is a hard thing for me to do and it obviously is something that makes me sad, confused, and maybe even angry. I was emotionally attached to him and there are some feelings there that I need to try to deal with.
I'm surprised that you never questioned me on my feelings for him. Aren't you curious? You do deserve me to be honest. I know you probably think this was an impulsive thing that I did, but it wasn't. Things haven't been going great for us (me and you) for a very long time, and his marriage wasn't going so well either. We turned to each other for conversation and support and after we filled each other's emotional needs, it turned physical. Him and I have had a connection for years, and our friendship grew into something stronger. For the first time in years, I felt able to pour my heart and soul out to someone and I WANTED to do it. I was able to share things with him that I haven't been able to share with ANYONE and it came so naturally and easily, which is all the more confusing to me. Why am I able to share things with him that I couldn't share with you? These are questions I'm asking myself and trying to find answers to. I'm also confused because when I was doing these things, I didn't feel guilty.
I've never been overly open to communication with you (especially when it comes to our problems) and we both know how I am with the passion side of the relationship. Truthfully, I have thought about it and it did bother me. I think I just talked myself into believing that passion (and that doesn't just mean s e x) wasn't something I really needed in my marriage to be happy. As long as we had a friendship, didn't fight, had fun together, shared the same values for raising our children, etc. things would be OK. I know you think it's because I've built up a wall with you for not meeting my emotional needs, and that may be partly true, but it's not the sole reason. Bob, you have not been an awful husband. You are a great friend to me, a great provider, and the most remarkable father any woman could want for her children. But, I think I'm realizing that's not enough for me anymore. I want the passion, the s e x, and everything else that goes along with it. I want feelings of desire for my spouse; I want to hold hands with my husband, I want to lay on the couch with my husband and just cuddle and watch TV; I want my husband to throw me on the bed, couch, or whatever else is in the area and make love to me; I want to have intimate conversations with my husband; I want to ask my husband how his day was when he walks in from work; and I want to be the one to initiate all of this too. I know these are all feelings that are in me, but as painful as it is, for some reason, I can't allow myself to open that emotional side of myself up to you. As my counselor said, either you aren't able to get me to open up, or I won't let you. Is it because I'm not in love with you anymore or is it something else? That's what I'm also trying to figure out.
Bob, I know I said I think this is me just not being in love with you anymore, and we both need to realize this may be the case. I know that hurts for you to hear, but I need to be completely honest with you. And, if not, we need to consider how we are going to handle that going forward. You deserve far more from a spouse than what you are getting from me right now. I'm hurting you, and I don't want to do that anymore. I just don't know any other way to deal with my issues.
I'm so wrong for not dealing with this earlier in our marriage, but truthfully, I don't even know if I knew what I was feeling or not feeling, or what I needed and didn't need out of a marriage. I believe counseling is helping me in figuring out what some of my problems are with you, and also what I want individually from myself, from my husband, and in general in my life for my happiness. For the first time in my life, I'm trying to decide what makes me happy...instead of trying to please everyone else. I've always tried to "keep the peace" which is probably why you and I don't argue a lot. I avoid confrontation. And I believe you do too.
These are the feelings I'm struggling with on a daily basis. I'm also struggling with being the inflictor of pain on you, because I've shared so much with you. Regardless of whether I love you anymore, and regardless of how good/bad our marriage has been, we have a history and we've started a family. And, although I can't muster up any romantic feelings for you, I know deep down what a wonderful man you are. I could stay in this relationship, business as usual, and get by. I can focus my attention on the kids, be nice, have s e x twice a year, and die...if not satisfied, at least without huge regret. But, don't we deserve more from each other? You also said it was somewhat selfish of me to want to be happy and that marriage isn't about being happy. I disagree. It's obviously about making a commitment, raising children, planning a future, but you also have to be happy. Otherwise, what will we have when our children are grown and gone from our lives? You and I will be looking at each other wondering "what in the h e l l do we do with each other now?" Right now we have our kids to focus on and it kind of makes you not worry or pay attention to everything else that we have going on.
I know you are trying to change your ways of thinking and what you do for me to become the person you think I want. I want you to know how much I appreciate everything you are doing. Believe me...even though I don't say it...I've certainly noticed. But I feel like you are walking on eggshells with me and being overly nice to me. It's kind of making me uncomfortable. But, like I said, you need to let me deal with my emotions and feelings and let me get it all out. You can't try to change my way of thinking or pressure me into the way you are feeling.
I'm basically at a loss of where to go from here. It's been about 3 months since I told you how I've been feeling, and almost one month since you found out about the affair. I'm no further along in my decision-making process than I was. And, it's killing us even more. I'm getting further away from you emotionally and I realize I'm not the most pleasant person to be around lately. I don't like who I am at home anymore and I haven't for quite some time. I feel that I don't have many happy moments and that I'm just going through the motions. I've mentioned separation and I know you are against that because you think I will run to R****. That is not the case, whether you, your brother or your other family members believe it. I still think it would just give us both some space and time away from each other to think things through and really see if we would miss each other. We could do it, if we both agree, for a set period of time, with clear objectives in mind. Bob, I really think I need time away from you. We don't have to be completely honest with the girls. And, you could still see them every day after school.
I'm sorry I wrote this to you at work, but I wrote another letter a couple of weeks ago and have not found a good time to give it to you. I've left it in your car and in the house for you, then removed it. And I struggle to find the courage to talk to you at night. But, I think we need to make some sort of short-term arrangement here. I thought I would write because I've always been better at putting things on paper and I don't know if I could say some of this face-to-face.
We obviously need to talk and maybe we can do that tonight or over the weekend, so you have time to sort out your feelings.
Love,
***
It appears to me sometimes that you are walking around like everything is OK with us and that everything is going to be fine. Bob, it's not OK...we have serious issues we're facing. I violated our marriage and the vows we took and the simple fact that you are willing to forgive me so quickly is mind-boggling to me. I know your newfound faith is playing a large part with that, but I think eventually you are going to need to actually face this head-on and go through an angry phase and deal with it too. You can't just hide behind your faith assuming everything is out in the open and now we can work this out. I know you want to believe evertyhing will be OK, but have you really even begun to ask yourself and/or me...why this happened? I know communication isn't one of my strong points, but I believe some of this lack of communication (at least on my part), is that I'm the one who cheated on you...I don't know how to approach the conversationt. But, it's your issue too and you have a right to ask about it. Why haven't you? When you ask me lately "how are you" and I say "in a funk" or "not wonderful"...why dont' you ever pursue the issue? Is it because you are scared what I have to say? It's not all my responsibility to talk things through. Or, you just say "your're OK". NO I"M NOT OK!!! I have a ton of issues that I'm trying to deal with and it's overwhelming me.
I'm dealing with the fact that I may not love my husband anymore. I'm dealing with the fact that I am considering a separation for us. I'm dealing with the fact that I cheated on you emotionally/physically for 6 months and have strong feelings for that man. I'm dealing with the fact that I have 3 children involved here that could be hurt by all of this. Among the other daily things I have going on in my life. So, please don't try to tell me I'll be OK. Let me have my feelings and emotions and try to sort them out, in whatever way I know how.
I also know how hurt you are that I can't be intimate with you, let alone kiss you in Florida. You aren't the one that had an affair. For the last six months, I've allowed myself to open up my heart and soul to someone else. Just as you said God filled your void, R**** filled a void in me that has been empty for so long. It's obviously hard to just redirect the feelings to you...especially since I wasn't sharing them with you for so long prior to all of this anyway. I know that you want to know if I've talked to him...and I have been honest with you when I said yes. I also want you to know that him and I came to an agreement a couple of weeks ago that we would have no contact with each other so that we can give our marriages the full attention they deserve. And, honestly, that is a hard thing for me to do and it obviously is something that makes me sad, confused, and maybe even angry. I was emotionally attached to him and there are some feelings there that I need to try to deal with.
I'm surprised that you never questioned me on my feelings for him. Aren't you curious? You do deserve me to be honest. I know you probably think this was an impulsive thing that I did, but it wasn't. Things haven't been going great for us (me and you) for a very long time, and his marriage wasn't going so well either. We turned to each other for conversation and support and after we filled each other's emotional needs, it turned physical. Him and I have had a connection for years, and our friendship grew into something stronger. For the first time in years, I felt able to pour my heart and soul out to someone and I WANTED to do it. I was able to share things with him that I haven't been able to share with ANYONE and it came so naturally and easily, which is all the more confusing to me. Why am I able to share things with him that I couldn't share with you? These are questions I'm asking myself and trying to find answers to. I'm also confused because when I was doing these things, I didn't feel guilty.
I've never been overly open to communication with you (especially when it comes to our problems) and we both know how I am with the passion side of the relationship. Truthfully, I have thought about it and it did bother me. I think I just talked myself into believing that passion (and that doesn't just mean s e x) wasn't something I really needed in my marriage to be happy. As long as we had a friendship, didn't fight, had fun together, shared the same values for raising our children, etc. things would be OK. I know you think it's because I've built up a wall with you for not meeting my emotional needs, and that may be partly true, but it's not the sole reason. Bob, you have not been an awful husband. You are a great friend to me, a great provider, and the most remarkable father any woman could want for her children. But, I think I'm realizing that's not enough for me anymore. I want the passion, the s e x, and everything else that goes along with it. I want feelings of desire for my spouse; I want to hold hands with my husband, I want to lay on the couch with my husband and just cuddle and watch TV; I want my husband to throw me on the bed, couch, or whatever else is in the area and make love to me; I want to have intimate conversations with my husband; I want to ask my husband how his day was when he walks in from work; and I want to be the one to initiate all of this too. I know these are all feelings that are in me, but as painful as it is, for some reason, I can't allow myself to open that emotional side of myself up to you. As my counselor said, either you aren't able to get me to open up, or I won't let you. Is it because I'm not in love with you anymore or is it something else? That's what I'm also trying to figure out.
Bob, I know I said I think this is me just not being in love with you anymore, and we both need to realize this may be the case. I know that hurts for you to hear, but I need to be completely honest with you. And, if not, we need to consider how we are going to handle that going forward. You deserve far more from a spouse than what you are getting from me right now. I'm hurting you, and I don't want to do that anymore. I just don't know any other way to deal with my issues.
I'm so wrong for not dealing with this earlier in our marriage, but truthfully, I don't even know if I knew what I was feeling or not feeling, or what I needed and didn't need out of a marriage. I believe counseling is helping me in figuring out what some of my problems are with you, and also what I want individually from myself, from my husband, and in general in my life for my happiness. For the first time in my life, I'm trying to decide what makes me happy...instead of trying to please everyone else. I've always tried to "keep the peace" which is probably why you and I don't argue a lot. I avoid confrontation. And I believe you do too.
These are the feelings I'm struggling with on a daily basis. I'm also struggling with being the inflictor of pain on you, because I've shared so much with you. Regardless of whether I love you anymore, and regardless of how good/bad our marriage has been, we have a history and we've started a family. And, although I can't muster up any romantic feelings for you, I know deep down what a wonderful man you are. I could stay in this relationship, business as usual, and get by. I can focus my attention on the kids, be nice, have s e x twice a year, and die...if not satisfied, at least without huge regret. But, don't we deserve more from each other? You also said it was somewhat selfish of me to want to be happy and that marriage isn't about being happy. I disagree. It's obviously about making a commitment, raising children, planning a future, but you also have to be happy. Otherwise, what will we have when our children are grown and gone from our lives? You and I will be looking at each other wondering "what in the h e l l do we do with each other now?" Right now we have our kids to focus on and it kind of makes you not worry or pay attention to everything else that we have going on.
I know you are trying to change your ways of thinking and what you do for me to become the person you think I want. I want you to know how much I appreciate everything you are doing. Believe me...even though I don't say it...I've certainly noticed. But I feel like you are walking on eggshells with me and being overly nice to me. It's kind of making me uncomfortable. But, like I said, you need to let me deal with my emotions and feelings and let me get it all out. You can't try to change my way of thinking or pressure me into the way you are feeling.
I'm basically at a loss of where to go from here. It's been about 3 months since I told you how I've been feeling, and almost one month since you found out about the affair. I'm no further along in my decision-making process than I was. And, it's killing us even more. I'm getting further away from you emotionally and I realize I'm not the most pleasant person to be around lately. I don't like who I am at home anymore and I haven't for quite some time. I feel that I don't have many happy moments and that I'm just going through the motions. I've mentioned separation and I know you are against that because you think I will run to R****. That is not the case, whether you, your brother or your other family members believe it. I still think it would just give us both some space and time away from each other to think things through and really see if we would miss each other. We could do it, if we both agree, for a set period of time, with clear objectives in mind. Bob, I really think I need time away from you. We don't have to be completely honest with the girls. And, you could still see them every day after school.
I'm sorry I wrote this to you at work, but I wrote another letter a couple of weeks ago and have not found a good time to give it to you. I've left it in your car and in the house for you, then removed it. And I struggle to find the courage to talk to you at night. But, I think we need to make some sort of short-term arrangement here. I thought I would write because I've always been better at putting things on paper and I don't know if I could say some of this face-to-face.
We obviously need to talk and maybe we can do that tonight or over the weekend, so you have time to sort out your feelings.
Love,
***