by Harriet Lerner? Bought it this weekend and read a little more than half. Great book so far. I'm trying to learn new patterns of dealing with it besides burying and internal suffering/resentment. Also talks about how to deal with those other types who lash out, yell and scream at those they are angry with(opposite from me).

I'd be interested to know if anyone read this book, applied it to their life and how their life was subsequently changed (hopefully for the better!). I don't want my kids emulating me, that's for sure. I want them to be able to express themselves, but to do it in a healthy way not just for their relationships, but for their own mental well-being. I can't expect them to learn that unless I can do things differently.

Yes, I read it early in recovery. I should probably reread it.
But since X is gone - so is my anger.

No, I haven't but I remember that is one of the books a counseler suggested that my H read. Perhaps it would be a good idea if I read it as well. I wonder if my H ever read it?

Yes, I read it years ago--loaned it to a friend of mine and haven't seen it since--

Yes, I read it quite some time ago. It was immensely helpful to me. Especially since I'm one of those people who was raised to believe that being angry is equivalent to being impolite and therefore not allowed. It's the cornerstone of the values I learned from my original family.

So, it comes as no surprise that I reached adulthood without the benefit of healthy relationships in my own family to use for role models (not that I was aware of the dysfunction at the time). I was dumbfounded when the author said anger has some good qualities about it. It was news to me at the time. Long overdue too. I married a man who is passive aggressive, and I spent years thinking it was just his vietnam experience that was underneath our difficulties. If I had only gotten smarter sooner. Oh well. I'm out of the bad marriage now. Better late than never!

This book probably offered me the most clear insight to the issues of anger that are directly correlated to my family of origin.

I see it now.

My mother - passive, catering, accommodating, conflict avoidant, creative, perfectionist, good wife, subservient, secondary, needed to be taken care of, needed someone to provide, low self-esteem

My father - aggressive, confident, self-assured, passionate, smart, ambitious, capable, successful, wise, imaginative, funny, social, resourceful, athletic, arrogant, egotistical, intimidating, narcissistic, impatient, intolerant

Me - passive, catering, accommodating, conflict avoidant, creative, perfectionist, good wife, secondary, low self-esteem /// confident, self-assured, passionate, smart, ambitious, capable, successful, wise, imaginative, social, resourceful, athletic, impatient, intolerant

I DESPISED my mother's weakness. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> I despised my father's narcissism and intolerance. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> But I admired my father oh so much so I looked right past those things. First I grew up wanting to marry my father (or someone just like him), then as I got older I wanted to, for the most part, BE like him.

My parents fought like cats and dogs and had a tremendously nasty divorce (obviously the lawyers did the dirty work for Mom). Now here I am, and trapped inside my body are both my parents, some of the good, some of the bad... DUKING IT OUT INSIDE OF ME as they themselves once did. And I'm <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> angry at each side. And then there's the REAL me, caught in the middle not knowing why I can't control it. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Now if I could just figure out a way to make peace with the three people inside of me, maybe I can save myself, my kids, and maybe even find peace within my marriage.

I just don't know how. I'm a smart woman, and yet I've never felt so incapable in my life.

My H - smart, funny, social, successful, athletic, recreational, well-liked, self-assured, even-tempered, reserved, accomodating, unemotional, passive, dispassionate, emotionally unconscious, conflict-avoidant, distant, unimaginative, immature, self-absorbed

The first 9 are why I married him, and why we are still together now. But now I know that I married a man (in his current state) who will never test me, will never challenge me (or our relationship) to grow, and who doesn't really want me to. I gotta believe that wasn't a coincidence. What to do... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />


PS OM - Charlie Brown, Calvin & Eeyore <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

<small>[ June 17, 2004, 09:11 PM: Message edited by: Flygirl 13 ]</small>