This book probably offered me the most clear insight to the issues of anger that are directly correlated to my family of origin.
I see it now.
My mother - passive, catering, accommodating, conflict avoidant, creative, perfectionist, good wife, subservient, secondary, needed to be taken care of, needed someone to provide, low self-esteem
My father - aggressive, confident, self-assured, passionate, smart, ambitious, capable, successful, wise, imaginative, funny, social, resourceful, athletic, arrogant, egotistical, intimidating, narcissistic, impatient, intolerant
Me - passive, catering, accommodating, conflict avoidant, creative, perfectionist, good wife, secondary, low self-esteem /// confident, self-assured, passionate, smart, ambitious, capable, successful, wise, imaginative, social, resourceful, athletic, impatient, intolerant
I DESPISED my mother's weakness. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> I despised my father's narcissism and intolerance. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> But I admired my father oh so much so I looked right past those things. First I grew up wanting to marry my father (or someone just like him), then as I got older I wanted to, for the most part, BE like him.
My parents fought like cats and dogs and had a tremendously nasty divorce (obviously the lawyers did the dirty work for Mom). Now here I am, and trapped inside my body are both my parents, some of the good, some of the bad... DUKING IT OUT INSIDE OF ME as they themselves once did. And I'm <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> angry at each side. And then there's the REAL me, caught in the middle not knowing why I can't control it. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />
Now if I could just figure out a way to make peace with the three people inside of me, maybe I can save myself, my kids, and maybe even find peace within my marriage.
I just don't know how. I'm a smart woman, and yet I've never felt so incapable in my life.
My H - smart, funny, social, successful, athletic, recreational, well-liked, self-assured, even-tempered, reserved, accomodating, unemotional, passive, dispassionate, emotionally unconscious, conflict-avoidant, distant, unimaginative, immature, self-absorbed
The first 9 are why I married him, and why we are still together now. But now I know that I married a man (in his current state) who will never test me, will never challenge me (or our relationship) to grow, and who doesn't really want me to. I gotta believe that wasn't a coincidence. What to do... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />
PS OM - Charlie Brown, Calvin & Eeyore <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />
<small>[ June 17, 2004, 09:11 PM: Message edited by: Flygirl 13 ]</small>