how long does it take to recover from a DIVORCE???

My Xwife and I were married almost 7 years, and were together for a year before that. How long usually, does it take, or rather, how long do the "experts" suggest that someone take to heal after a divorce, before they are usually ready to enter into another relationship?

We also have two children together, ages 7 and 5.

[ September 28, 2004, 02:37 PM: Message edited by: petermg ]

"Experts" say that to fully recover from a divorce, it will take 3-5 years.

Most people....not all...say that is about right. Some sooner, some later....just depends on the person.

However, from my personal experience, I would suggest that you NOT get involved with another person...even casually....until at least 3 years have passed.

Also, as a side note, it's not TIME that does the healing....it's what you DO with the time. Make the most of your healing by allowing yourself to grieve, have ups and downs, etc. By not rushing this process, you will be in the best position possible to even BEGIN thinking about another relationship.

Somepeople never recover, as they don't work at it. Many just jump from one relationship to another without understanding why any of them failed. Others carry their baggage into new relationships.
It's up to each individual to become an emotionally healthy person, for themselves, and for their children.
I advise not introducing your children to dates unless you are very serious about the person. Children become attached.

Both her and I got involved and remarried (to other people) within the first year.. she actually started seeing this guy even before we were divorced. I however actually waited until our dirovce was final.. anyhow.. her marriage to this guy SEEMS to be going well, but he is real threatened by me because, I believe, he knows that she still has emotional attatchments to me and that bothers him. When he saw on her cell phone how often she calls me, he told her "Umm.. I'm not comfortable with how often you talk to him." And he only talks to me (veiled threats really) when her and I get into a fight.. he likes to play the hero.. but he refuses to be friends with me, even though he's the stepfather to my children.. WTF?!! He is NOT open to being friends with me whatsoever. My next marriage went straight to pot.. she lied to me about many things.. mostly X'es, but many other things as well. She has filed for divorce and I've not seen her since about March.. oh yeah.. and she is pregnant!
Oh yeah.. and today I just found out that the woman I had been "seeing" -although we hadn't put an official label on it.. now has an OFFICIAL boyfriend.. some guy she just met a couple of days ago!?!? WTF?!!? YeAH.. I KNOW that I shouldn't get into another relationship.. and emotionally .. it wasn't much.. but it provided a physical comfort that I have a strong need for and right now I am very shaken/disturbed/depressed.... <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

[ September 28, 2004, 06:15 PM: Message edited by: petermg ]

Anyhow, I now understand that I sought out that other marriage in order to cover up the pain brought on by my divorce. My Xwife rubs it in my face that her marriage is going "well" but I'm getting divorced again.. she is surely a piece of work.. cheated on me, gave me an STD, lied up and down about her adultery, even when I had proof, shows no remorse, and reluctantly lets me take my children.. and she also makes up all kinds of "Laws" that say I can't have them for this reason or that.... anyone out there proficient at looking up legal stuff?

Hi peter,

I'm sorry you went through such an ordeal.What a MESS! However,I wouldn't necessarily think that everything is so peachy with your xW.She is probably saying so just to make you feel bad and make herself feel better.It's almost a given with the way in which you both exited the first marriage and jumped right into the fire,uh,next marriages that she is having some trouble,although secretly to you(i.e. jealous new husband who was involved with a married woman,your W at the time). <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Don't dwell on their relationship.Your XW most likely did not do anything to work on the issues that made your first marriage go sour and she just dragged all that baggage into the next,as did you.Like everyone else mentioned,be alone for a while.

Regarding childrens issues,I don't know what you agreed to legally when you first got divorced but if you feel that your time with the children has been compromised or the settlement was unfair,seek out more counseling.One website you could try is :

www.divorcenet.com

They have forums there too for discussion and for each state.

*Please try to set a proper example for your young children from now on.Undoubtedly,all this switching of partners business must have them terribly insecure and afraid of just who is taking care of them and who they can trust.UGH!

O

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Originally posted by Octobergirl:
 *Please try to set a proper example for your young children from now on. Undoubtedly, all this switching of partners business must have them terribly insecure and afraid of just who is taking care of them and who they can trust. UGH!
<hr /></blockquote>Let alone the skewed picture of relationships that they must be developing by now. Even if they are too young to properly understand what's going on, they feel it...the unstableness and inpermanance of the relationship drama that's been unfolding around them.

I heard 1 year for every 4 years of marriage.....
and I believe it! :-)

I think I read somewhere to allow one year for recovery for every 5 years of marriage - to not date until then!

Here's some info about 'getting on with your life' after a divorce, advising not to jump into a new relationship because although that will provde some temporary relief it will only delay and increase the hurt you will still have to deal with in order to really heal.

http://www.divorceasfriends.com/onwithlife2.html

Hmmm. If my DV is final in November as I expect it will be, I'll be just shy of 20 years of M (and 4 years with STBXH before that).

That means I can't even think of dating for at least 5 years???!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

LL

That means I have to wait 8 years---I will be in a nursing home by then.

I think I like the 3-5 better.

I rushed into another marriage and man.. I was running from dealing with the pain. But I regret it now, and this all took place with the encouragement of the church!!! Argh!!! This plus the fact that the woman I married had some major triggers and now we are separated and she has filed for divorce!!! My X however, I saw her with another man the same day we filed. She is now married to him, and they waited 5 months longer than I did but she claims that she has a good marriage...??? Is it possible? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> Or perhaps she's just content having something to fill the hole for now? We were married for almost 7 years and were together for a year before that.

[ September 30, 2004, 07:33 PM: Message edited by: petermg ]

For me.....it was 20 years of marriage.
It's been 5 years now since we were separated and 4 since divorce. I have been in a couple of significant relationships, and quite honestly, although I learned a whole lot about relationships in general, I was too hurt and too raw to really give it my all in those relationships. We parted on good terms, but the hurt from my marriage didn't allow me to really heal and get to know ME and who I was and what I was all about.

Dating after marriage is a really personal thing. Only YOU are the one to determine what's too soon and what's early. Statistically men get into relationships after divorce much quicker than women. Men of course look at things differently than women do so perhaps they have an easier time of letting go of that bond they had with their wives? Dunno...just a guess and just statistics.

You are ready for dating when you feel whole again. When you can realistically look at the relationship and know what you want out of it (and by that I mean you are ready to commit to that person or let go when it becomes serious, in a MATURE, LOVING manner). You know how to recognize what is healthy and what is not. You know what beliefs and values you are looking for in a person to share you life with -- and you are willing to recognize this in those you are dating and let go of those (gently) that you know are not a fit into your life. Don't believe that you can "make" someone fit, because it won't work. Causes you a whole lot of pain and anguish.

...... work beckons otherwise I would give you more of a "list". Remember that only YOU dictate what happens next in your life. You are the one that has the power and control to act and react to your own life.
Have a great day all!

I really think it all depends on you. I don't thinkanyone can give you a specific time line on when you are ready for another relationship.
I personaly started dating my now H 1 year after the divorce. We dated for a few years and are now married. I coudn't be happier. Quite frankly I rarely think about my ex except when it come to the kids.

Maybe it was just that I had tried so hard to save my marriage for so long that when I finally said I've had enough it was just that enough. I have not missed my ex since the day he left.

jillybean36,
how long were you and your EX married, and how long were you together before that? What kind of marriage did you have with him? How often do you have contact with him now due to children?

Considering you refuse to admit you had an affair in your previous marriage and were at least 50% to blame for the problems in that marriage, I don't think you will recover until you do admit these things to yourself.

Chris,
are you directing this statement toward myself? I never had a PA in my marriage. Perhaps you are getting some information confused, I assure you that you will find nothing on this board that indicates that I had a PA when I was married to my first wife. As far as being 50% to blame for the problems in it.. I was 100% to blame for the problems I caused, that is, my own actions, and my X is 100% to blame for the problems she cauesed, her actions. Are *YOU* struggling with accepting blame for things you've done and is that why you are projecting this unwarranted accusation onto myself? Go away Chris, I need some dispassionate logical caring people to listen to, not some hot-head looking to project guilt and blame where there is none.

[ October 01, 2004, 05:08 PM: Message edited by: petermg ]

You ask me a couple questions and them tell me to go away. You seem to be confused.

Yes it is directed at you. You did have an emotional affair for 12 years and you did have a physical affair for two months.

As of April 2003, you were married to your previous wife, correct?

<blockquote>quote:<hr />On 7 January, 2004, petermg wrote:
 <blockquote>quote:<hr />Originally posted by Rose55:
 Even if you only “slept with her for two months,” it changed the R (relationship) you had with her.
<hr /></blockquote>What do you mean? For crying out loud we are just FRIENDS!! That was over two years ago!<hr /></blockquote><img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

So, you were still married in April 03 and two years previous to Jan 04 (around Jan 02) you were having sex with this friend while still married.
That is an affair. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

And you even still had "feelings" for this woman up until October of 2003.

[ October 01, 2004, 05:07 PM: Message edited by: Chris -CA123 ]

Ahh... Chris.. you'd do well to read the rest of that post, I was playing the devil's advocate for my current wife. I was role playing as if I were her. Just a suggestion, you might want to finish reading a post before using it against someone.

...and quite frankly, you do well to post a big smiley, as I also find you comment about my grammar hilarious! HAHAAHAH! Actually.. "toward myself" sounds more like it... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

[ October 01, 2004, 05:08 PM: Message edited by: petermg ]

When it was posted a few months ago, you did not bother to respond. And when people were suspecting you of "trolling", you simply disappeared.

So when you wrote, "In this current post I am switching places with my current wife", that is not what you meant.
You actually meant that for the entire topic thread you were switching, not for the one post as you wrote.

[ October 01, 2004, 05:14 PM: Message edited by: Chris -CA123 ]

Point stands, I never had a PA in my first marriage.

jillybean36, you still out there???

lordslady said:

<blockquote>quote:<hr />That means I can't even think of dating for at least 5 years???!! <hr /></blockquote>What's so bad about that? I was married for almost 21 years, together for 25. He left 5.5 years ago. When you are going to school or working full-time and raising kids, when would a single parent even have time to date if they wanted to and still have time to take care of the children? I think people should wait until their kids are grown or for at least 5-10 years, whichever is longer, which for me would be another ten years from now.

Makes sense in a way, if you have small kids. One of mine is a H/S sophomore (IF she stays in school--she's in an alternative school--only has class 1/2 day, and it's "iffy" if she will stay in at all after she turns 16). The other, my son, is in his first year of college 2 hours from home.

My DD is on the go all the time with friends. I've tried to ask her to stay home, but she does what she pleases and 99% of the time it's with friends.

So I basically spend my time cleaning the house, going to work, and taking care of my dogs, cats, turtles and a fish. I'm not sure I want to do that for 5+ years before I could even consider entertaining the idea of going out with a guy.

And it's hard to think, "Okay, I'll be 39 when my DV is final. My odds of finding someone aren't exactly going to be increasing over the next few years. If I wait, I'll be almost 45. Why sit dormant, if I think I'm recovered well enough to date, just because that's the general guideline for somewho has been M for 20 years.

(But not to worry, unless someone really wonderful comes along and seeks me out after the DV, I doubt I'll date anyway. I'm not into being the pursuer.)

LL

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Originally posted by Elan:
 I heard 1 year for every 4 years of marriage.....
and I believe it! :-) <hr /></blockquote>Sooo... That would make it, what, 4 months of recovery before I can start dating again, as I was only married for a year? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

I seriously do not think I'll be in any shape to date in 4 months. I'm giving myself at least a year, and even then, I'm completely comfortable in giving myself more time if I need it. But as it's been said before, go at your own pace, but just make sure you do the necessary work on yourself before getting involved in another relationship.