I've spent a lot of time reading the posts on this website looking for answers and some peace of mind. I doubt many of you will appreciate hearing from me and few will sympathize as I was the OW. But I am desperate and must at least try. I just recently had a baby and want to make the most of the situation if no other reason than for my daughter.

I was with my baby's father for almost a year. When I first met him he was very aggressive in his persuit of me. I resisted knowing he was married. We spent many hours talking and spending time together as friends. During these conversations he told me that his marriage was a sham and that he had wanted to leave his wife for years but stayed for the kids. He told me they had not been phycially intimate in a long time and that they slept in separate beds. He said that he and his wife were friends and that he loved her, but that he was not in love with her. This man seemed so open and honest about everything, I believed him. He was also very charming and affectionate and fun to be around. Soon I gave in and we became involved. It wasn't long before he told me he loved me. He told me he loved me more than he had ever loved his wife. Again, I believed him and did not question the relationship or ask him to leave his wife. I don't know why I did not do that. Perhaps I had doubts. Perhaps deep down I knew he would not leave her. I'm not sure what I was thinking.

I became pregnant shortly after we became involved but did not learn of the pregnancy until I was almost four months along. I panicked and broke off our relationship without telling him why. He would not let me go, but continued to persue me, call me and e-mail me on a regular basis. After a few months I finally got the courage to tell him about the baby, but I also told him that I understood that he would not leave his family and that was o.k. I loved him and wanted to protect him from hurt and I knew it would hurt him to cause his family pain. I suggested that he walk away and forget about me and the baby. He refused. He told me he was madly in love with me and would not abandon me or the baby. Needless to say, I was thrilled. He said he wanted to leave his wife as he was not doing her any favors by staying in the marriage. I encouraged him to think through the decision as I didn't want him to resent me at some future time. He insisted he had decided but needed to wait until after Christmas. Christmas came and went and he stayed at home. Then two more deadlines passed and I finally realized he was not going anywhere. I felt hurt and betrayed that he would lie to me when I gave him the option of leaving, of walking away. He finally admitted he did not want to leave his family six weeks before I gave birth. At that point I had already told my friends and family everything about him and that he said he would be there for me, that he loved me and would leave his wife. I was devastated and this was only compounded by the emotional instability of my pregnancy. I didn't have the time or energy to do much but grieve my loss and my foolishness for believing him. I am convinced now that it was all lies and that he actually had/has a loving relationship with his wife. I'm not sure why he strung me along for so long and resumed his relationshipp with me when he knew that would cause me so much pain, but I guess from reading this site some people do selfish things and completely disregard other's needs and feelings.

Along with the grief, I also felt angry and resentful. I filed a paternity action and his wife now supposedly knows everything. He is seeking joint custody and wants to be involved in our daughters life. I have many fears about this. My biggest is that I don't trust him and am afraid to get my hopes up that he will really be a father to her. Second, I worry that she will not be treated well by his wife and three kids. How do you feel about the OC? Are you capable of separating you anguish about the affair from the child born of that union? What do you tell the child about the relationship? What do you tell the other children about how the OC came to be and how she fits into her father's family unit? I do want my daughter to have contact with her father and I think he will be a good father. But I have a hard time understanding how the BS can accept this other child and treat her with love and kindness. Any reassurance you can provide would be very much appreciated. Thank you.

Welcome to MB. I am a lot further along in my healing processes, so I feel I can answer your questions without having them tinged in the very real and ongoing pain the more new members are going through right now.



I love my OC. In the very beginning, I wanted nothing to do with her (now it's them...). My mother took me aside and said, "No matter what, that child had nothing to do with how it came about." She is right. Out of all of the people involved in the aftermath of an affair, only the betrayed and all the children are the victims of the fallout. I know you are hurting....I understand that, and I'm so sorry you chose this for yourself and for others. But your choices caused hurt for MANY. Perhaps his wife can understand that, too. Many of us can.



They are my kid's sister and brother. That's all. They have another mommy in addition to having me as their step mommy. We are all very blessed when we are together and our family is whole. They have their own beds and their own dressers and their own things at our house. They are our children just as my biological children are ours, and they know it.

Again, I'm not trying to negate your anguish. I can see you realize that this affair has caused pain for the BW. She will try to get on with her life with as much dignity as she can in such a situation....and one way of carrying on might (I don't know her) be by forgiving you through caring for your baby. I cannot be kind to our OW...not because I don't want to, but because she won't allow it...but I owe her a debt nonetheless....the children bring me joy, they help complete my family....so I will be kind for THEIR sakes.

- Kimmy

Please accept this as the kind and respectable answer that it is meant to be. It is not meant with any harshness.

Your comment is a very sore spot for me. I wish to say "How dare you questin the integrity of an innocent woman? What gives you the right ? You became an influence willingly in her marriage."

But, I also see the maternal side that wishes to protect YOUR child. I find nothing wrong with that... All mother's should be that way.

So, I suppose my thoughts can be boiled down to the logic here...once you filed through the courts, you lost your right to question his side or hold any of the control.

If you cared enough for this man at one point, then hopefully you can find strength in his character enough to know that the partner in life he has chosen is a worthy individual.

I am on the "other" side of this, but I hold your plight in my thoughts and prayers. I wish your child well.

Blessings,

Eibrab

LoveMeNot,
As Dealan said, the answers will depend on where in the healing process we are ...

How I feel about OC ... I love the little guy ... but I can tell you that ouside acceptance is hard ... I lost a lot of friends because I accepted OC ... they saw it as me accepting the affair and accepting all the things and hurt that came with that ...

For me it was not that ... I accepted OC in my life because he is a brother to my daughter. He is family. I do not accept what happened with H and OW ... and I will never do ... but OC is innocent ...
OC is not an OC, he is the little brother and as that he is welcomed.
My daughter loves him. They love each other. They are crazy about each other. They are 9 months apart ... she is 2 and a half and he will be two in July.
DD knows he is the brother, she sees that she has to share her dad with her brother ... she knows that he has his own mother, and she has her own mother.

I thought that I would prefer my DD to have a relationship with her brother since the beginning instead of 'hiding' it.
I didn't want her to say to me in the future why I didn't let her have a relationship with him if I knew he was there ... kwim?

When OC is at home he is treated the same way as DD ... hugs and kisses and discipline the same.

Don't fear the BW ... again, as Dealan said, she is trying to get out of this with much dignity as possible ... but as you can see from this board, most of us, we do not resent the OC as a human being ...
We resent the affair and the pain.
We resent the continous drama that OW has ...

CHOSEN for us. But not only that, we resent that our husbands also chose this for us. The OW has her part to play, but he had his, too. Please don't think we blame it all on the OW....it took two for this.

But babies/children/wives...we bear the emotional fallout just as much if not worse than the adulterers.

ups ... sorry it came out like that ...

Correction:
I resent the situation that H has put me on ...
It does take two ... I don't blame her alone ... actually I blame him more than her given that she is just reacting to the things he does ...

You have taken the first step on a long road, but you will survive this and a lot of how well things go for your d IS up to you.


Think of the pain and hurt you have felt and multiply that 1000 times over and you may come close to the pain she has felt and probably will feel to some degree the rest of her life. I am being completely open and honest and I hope you do not take offense because that is not my intent. But you MUST accept responsibility for your SELFISH choices. It sounds like you are beginning to, but you must resist the temptation to lay blame on anyone else, including the MM, and especially the BS. The affair happened because the MM and you made a willful, SELFISH choice. The sooner you face that and reject all the rationalizations and justifications the easier it will be for you. Yes, the MM made a choice but you aren't responsible for his choices, you are ONLY responsible for your choices, accept your responsibility and acknowledge that your actions have also caused the pain. And REMEMBER this, and don't be too quick to judge the w. She never asked to be in this situation and it hurts more than anyone can ever know without going through it themselves.


What is your focus, what is your priority? Is it your d or yourself? You must accept that his w, is the step-mom of your child, because of your choices. Face it and don't fight it, your d has 2 moms. Don't feel threatened by the it, and do everything possible to encourage her to be the best step-mom she can be to your d. You can't force a man or woman to be a good parent, so you must give credit for the willingness to be involved. If you truly want the child's father to be involved, don't fight against joint custody. Set your fears aside and deal with any problems if and when they arise. You do not trust this man because he has lied to you, his w doesn't trust him or you either because you both lied to her. Don't make it about you, him or the w, MAKE IT ABOUT YOUR DAUGHTER AND WHAT IS BEST FOR HER. What is best for her? A peaceful relationship with all of her family.


It is a little too late to worry about that. You do not have any control over their actions. You are prejudging people you do not know and that have done nothing to you to give you any reason that they would harm your d. Even if you have sole custody and the father only has one visit per month, your d will become part of their family. Don't make it more difficult for your d to have time with her father and relatives on his side of the family.


I have 2 step-children that I just found out about 9 months ago (ages 15 & 9). They are my step-c and have been my step-c since the time of conception. Because of their mothers unfounded fears, I have yet to meet them. I haven't pushed c for me because we have a 22 yo step-d & 14 yo d. They are experiencing pain as well and our family has been disrupted. Your family is being formed not disrupted. I pray for my step-c and I will be the best mom I can be to them. Yes, I said mom, because I don't treat them any differently. I will love them as a mother. That does not take away anything from their biological mother. It only gives the children more people in their life who love them and express genuine love. Just as I accepted and loved my 22 step-d as my own, I will love these children as well. I don't see them as an extension of their mother, but part of their father's life, who is my h and a blessign from God. My h has chosen extremely limited c, due to the demands of the OW that I not be permitted around "her" children. She is unable to put SELF aside, and I hope you do not make the same mistake.


Yes, only my h and their mother are the source of the pain felt by everyone. Just as I did not know about or give consent to the adultery, neither did either of these children. And yes, I have felt pain sometimes when I have looked at a picture of them. But it is not pain caused by them, it is because I am recovering from my h's betrayal. Each time, the pain is less and less and I don't feel pain every time I look at their picture, just sometimes. But just because they may trigger pain for awhile does not mean that I will inflict any pain or suffering upon them.


You have an advantage. You are bringing this into the open while the child is young. There is no need to focus on her conception. Focus on loving the child and allowing her to blend into her family. One day when she is older if she asks you can tell her. As for the COM that is up to their parents, what, when and how their children are told. The younger your child is when c is established the easier it will be for everyone. Her parents sins do not define who she is and the focus needs to be off of the A. You need to recogize the w and the COM ARE part of your d's family. Attempts to exclude the w from their lives will only make things worse. If you allow c and their is evidence of harm coming to your child, then you step in and address it,but until it happens, you are assuming you have more rights as a parent than their father does and you are displaying disrespect (which will also be teaching your d to show disrespect) to him as a father. Would you agree the father should be allowed to tell you, that you can't see your own d because you have married someone else or that you can only see her if your h isn't there.


If you were the mother of my step-c. I could reassure you your child would be accepted and loved and welcomed into my family. You would be welcome in my home as the mother of my step-c as long as I was present. I can't reassure you that another person will feel the same way because people are different.

You took a risk and became involved with a married man and a child was born. You can't wave a magic wand and make his family go away. You can either decide to be a good parent and work toward what is best for your child which will mean some compromise and things will not always be your way, or you can put SELF first again in your decisions and make things harder on your child. No one can give you any guarantees for other people. And sometimes as you well know people can give you guarantees on their own actions and then not live up to them.

I would encourage you to take the risk and put your d first and see what happens.

Ann

You are telling my story, only from your point of view as the OW. So pay attention...

I am the wife of 15 years. I am the mother of three children. I am the one whom my husband betrayed, lied to, abandoned for almost a year, and eventually confessed the truth to. I am the person who had a marriage lose its passion and a husband going through a midlife crisis. I am the one who tried to get him to talk about things long before he made this horrific choice, and am the one with whom he avoided being honest. I am the one who worried about her husband as he was always at work very early and very late, trying I thought to make a positive impact at work. I am the one who used to call him to make sure he hadn't fallen asleep and that he was getting home safely, when really on many occasions he was with the OW. I am the one who held down the fort in his absence, being mother AND father to our children, doing what was best for them to the best of my ability. I am the person who watched my husband start to fall apart under the weight of the guilt and deception, not realizing what he was doing, but knowing something was terribly, terribly wrong. And I am the one who by January and without knowing what he was doing, realized I could not live like this anymore and wanted out, but never said anything.

I am also the person who now lives with the knowledge of what he did, the choices he made, the pain he suffered and the pain he caused. I am the one who for the time being still must live a lie, because no one but a few dear friends know what has happened. I am the one who worries day and night about the children, ALL of the children, and the impact the terrible choices my husband and the OW have made will have on them (not to mention me). I am also the one who must bide her time until my three children are told the truth, which will have to be soon since the OW has forced the issue out into the open by filing a paternity action without any apparent regard for them and their well-being, emotional or financial.

But hear me well...I am the woman who didn't ask her husband to leave, didn't forsake him in his time of need. I am the person who with compassion and kindness has committed her time and energy to trying to work with my husband on finding a solution that won't permanently scar ANY of the children, won't bankrupt us, and won't mean the end of our family in the process.

And I pray for everyone affected by this tragic course of events. Yes, even for D. and M., who have a rough road ahead of them. Especially for D. who has such anger, animosity, and pain in her heart. I hope she finds a therapist to help her deal with all this, for her sake, for the children's sake, if not for the wife's and husband's sake. I hope that she sees that blaming the baby's father alone will do her and the baby no good. She must face up to the fact that she knew from the very start that he was married, and that she accepted that fact and had an affair with a married man. You hear what you want to hear and see what you want to see.

But I ask you this, why would you want to be with a person who would do this to his wife and children, and what kind of a person are you who would pursue this person and choose to accept him into your life despite the fact that he was married?

Wake up and smell the coffee! You chose this and you are responsible for the predicament in which you find yourself now. Every step of the way you could have chosen to do something other than what you did. Do you not see how you were complicit in all this? Yes, you interpreted his words as promises and commitment. Did you listen to what he was saying? Did he ever promise to be with you forever? Or did he just promise to see you through the pregnancy? What did he actually promise?

I know my husband and although he "done me wrong," at his core he is loveable, caring, and in need of support. I will stand by him despite his actions because he needs me and the children need me. But more than that, I will be right by his side because we have a history and because I know he never stopped loving me. He might not have been "all in love with me" anymore, but passion can fade. Who's to say I felt my marriage was fulfilling? I was just as jaded and sad, and troubled. I just had the good sense not to look elsewhere to solve my problems.

So, in the end, I am the woman who with her husband will try to do what she can to hold the family together and intact; try to have compassion for the OW and hope that she gets the help she needs to rid herself of the angry, vengeful and destructive feelings she has pent up inside; pray that she tries to find it in her heart to forgive and move on and she tries to take this opportunity to create a better life, a fulfilling life, an honest life. I am the person who will take this Greek tragedy and turn it into a Braodway musical. I am strong and capable of anything I put my mind to. I will try to find the blessings in this mire and move on.

AND I am the person who will love M. and be a positive presence in her young life. I will be the example for my children I need to be so they can model their behavior toward M. after me. I am a fabulous person, only my husband was so troubled he forgot this. (He certainly remembers it now!) But I am smart and funny and loving and caring and considerate. The OW is lucky I am the baby's father's wife (wow, a mouthful). I am a good mother and to the extent my husband let it happen, a good wife. I know my husband was so troubled and foolish and careless, and I am sorry the OW feels betrayed and lied to. But in the end I am the one, and our children are the ones, whom he and the OW betrayed. My husband and the OW committed very selfish and foolish acts that hurt innocent people.

So get over yourself. Stop blaming other people for your predicament. Get the help you need. Trust this woman to do the right thing, because she will. All evidence points to it. Start seeing the father of your daughter and his wife as allies, people who can help you raise your daughter in the way she deserves, with love and concern. You said you believe the father will be a good parent to your daughter. Expand your belief to include his wife. Trust this and move on.

Are you talking about me? I AM the wife.

No, I am not talking about you, I am referring to the mother and daughter in my story.

Sorry for your confusion!

LoveMeNot

I forgot to mention to you some of my history.

I know my last post may have seemed harsh, but you don't need to hear anything sugar-coated right now anyway.

I too was once an OW. I was involved with my h before his d was final. Our child was not born until after we were married for 5 years but that doesn't matter. Adultery is adultery whether a child is born or not. My advice to stop rationalizing and justifiying any involvement with a married man and to accept responsibility for your actions and the pain you have caused does not come from me as a person who is a BS.

Long before I became a BS, I guess you could say I was a reformed OW. I saw the error of my ways and faced the truth when I allowed the One who is the Truth to be part of my life.

Most OW with children will accept the responsibility to raise their child, but don't want to accept their responsibility for their part in the A and the pain cause by their actions. I know I have been there. Unless and until you recognize that you have caused others pain by your decisions and actions, it will be harder for your d to have a peaceful relationship with all of her family.

Do your best to get along with her step-m and recognize that it will take time for her healing.

As mothers we all want to protect and do what is best for our children, you will have to fight to resist the temptation to exclude her step-m, his w. As someone mentioned above you came into her family, uninvited. It doesn't matter what her h said or did. He didn't invite you into his family either. Yes, he may have invited you into a r with him, but he didn't want you in his family with his w and his children. If he had he would have told them about you and your r wouldn't have been concealed. You both took risks and as a result, your d is part of both your family and his family.

Ann

No kimmy i think D. is the OW in her life and M is the OC.

and by thw way Sjohnson, that is probably one of the most powerful posts i have read in a long time. Thank you for that. I hope you continue to post.

Yes, Carolyn73, that is true!

Aaahhh, everyday is so hard. I haven't known for too long, only two months. I have come so far in a short period of time, but every day is still so painful.

It won't always be this way, I know, I hope.

Thank you for that. It is amazing where you can find support, even among internet strangers. I will stay connected.

>It won't always be this way, I know, I hope

It won't.

There is joy in life...sometimes we have to force ourselves to recognize it...but it's there.

Sjohnson.

You can move mountains. Thank you for your words.

Eibrab

LoveMeNot

Had he divorced his wife to marry you how would you accept his children????

I believe you should be happy they are strong enough not to turn their back on you and leave you alone with your child. You could raise her on your own I don't doubt that, but if you think of her, in the future, it will much better for her to have her natural father on her life.

Look, no one should be shocked you're questioning the wife's ability to love the OC. Movies (not real, but influential!) and real life are full of examples of wives and others rejecting Other Children. It's a reasonable question.

The problem IS, LMN, that you don't know if YOUR OC's stepmom (yes, stepmom) is the 'Love You' or 'Love You Not' variety, and that's all that really matters--your child.

I can tell you that I love my step-daughter-OC and I treat her as kindly (maybe more, since I don't have her fulltime) as "my own", and you see that there are other step-moms who do the same. Yes, it is POSSIBLE to separate the child from the affair most of the time (not 100%, but that doesn't mean we take it out on the child!)... The question remains, can it work in YOUR situation?

Since every situation is unique, we don't know.

But IF the wife "knows everything" and IF he is pursuing joint custody, we should assume the wife wanted it too, and I'd like to hope that she is doing so with the child's best interests in mind.

Now, IF there is ANY evidence contrary to the child's best interests along the way, try to document it in order to reduce their visitation; you must protect your child!

Unless there is evidence to the contrary, assume the best and try to co operate politely in the child's best interests. Nastiness between parents only hurts the child.

Frankly, if I were an XOW with an OC, I think I'd prefer to disappear, or to offer no-child-support (or a lump sum) for father giving up ALL parental rights, but I know many single women simply cannot afford that option. IF you were to offer that option and he took it, then you'd know where his real interests lie.

(PS I'll answer the children-of-the-marriage question if you want, but this is too long for now)

J
3 kids at home
visitation w/OC.

How ironic that we have so much in common. I am glad we can talk openly. You are the one person who I trust will be honest with me and I will do the same with you.

Let me start off by saying how sorry I am for the hurt I have caused all the people involved in this situation, especially the BS. If I could undo the whole situation, I would. But I take full responsibility for my actions and for the choices I made that got me to point where I am today. Believe me, if I had known the truth (I still don’t know what was true and what was not), I never would have become involved with this man.

In fact, before we became involved, I encouraged him to talk to his wife about his concerns, his feelings. I encouraged him to try marital counseling. He refused telling me that he could not talk to his wife, that they could never talk openly as we did. He told me that their marriage was nothing more than a partnership and that the only reason he stayed was for the kids. I actually felt sorry that he was in such a loveless marriage, but admired the fact that he was so loyal to his family.

But he told me he was madly in love with me. He told me he loved me more than he had ever loved his wife at any point in their relationship. He told me that he wanted me “to be his life.” Maybe this isn’t a promise of “forever”, but it’s more than just the pregnancy. Days before I broke off our relationship, he gave me a long stem red rose and TWO Valentine’s Day cards professing his love for me. A week before that, while we were at a golf tournament, he said (not me, HE said) he wanted to bring me back to the same event the following year with the baby. Not forever, but not just the pregnancy. He asked if I preferred gold or silver jewelry (could there perhaps have been a ring in my future? That might have been a contemplation of forever. And believe me, I loved this man so much and so thoroughly that I would have gladly spent forever with him.) We talked about getting a bigger house and a new car (he doesn’t like white cars, so we were going to get a royal blue one). I went to his basketball games, met his friends, met his kids. Not forever, but not just the pregnancy. He told me he had decided to leave his wife, that this decision was final and that it was just a matter of putting a plan into place (i.e. Where to live, how to tell his wife, what to tell his kids). Not forever, but not just the pregnancy. I interpreted all of these things as his commitment to be in a long term relationship with me.

When I finally realized he was not leaving his wife and confronted him about these lies, he told me that he never lied to me. He told me that he meant everything he said to me but that he felt OBLIGATED to stay with his wife. He told me he couldn’t stand the thought of losing me, but that he OWED his family. Even then he did not profess his love for his wife!!!!!!!!!! But I’m sure he does and did love her very much. Why he insisted on telling me these lies, I will never understand.

And what I find more confusing is why he continued his relationship with me after I found out I was pregnant when I gave him the option of walking away (and still be involved with the baby!). I can understand why he would lie to me the first time around – he was looking for a good time or, as you say it, having a mid-life crisis – but why would he resume his relationship with me (yes, HE initiated it the second time also), string me along for months until six weeks before I gave birth when I was most vulnerable and unable to cope with the grief and embarrassment of the situation? Why? I loved this man so much I would have done ANYTHING for him even if that meant letting him walk away. And yet he had so little regard for me he could not even save me the pain and humiliation of these lies. This seems so incredibly cruel. Why? Just for the sex? I don’t understand and possibly I never will, but this is a big source of my anger and resentment.

Again, I take full responsibility for my actions and my role in all of this. But you must understand how incredible persuasive and charming this man was. I suspect you understand as it sounds like your husband is also charming and persuasive. Has he painted a negative picture of the OW? Do you really think the OW pursued your husband as opposed to the other way around? Are you sure you have all the information? In a way, I feel like we have both been betrayed though you are right that I was also part of the betrayal. I have no ill feelings toward the BS and, in some ways, I feel sorry for her. Your husband’s betrayal was so much greater. How will you know when he is telling the truth after all these lies? I’m not sure how I will know and that scares me.

But you are right that the anger has to stop. It is not productive or healthy. I have felt more pain and humiliation in the last few months than I have ever felt in my life. Unlike you, I had already told all of my family and friends the TRUTH about everything and assured them that this man would leave his wife (as he told me he would) and would be there for me. I understand your anxiety about having to tell your story to your friends and family as it was extremely humiliating for me. But if I am to raise a child with this man, my friends and family must know the truth about everything. If this man wants to be a part of my daughter’s life, I want him to stand proud and not be ashamed that she was born. None of this is her fault and she deserves the best that we all have to offer. That is why I do not want to deny anyone access to her. I merely wanted reassurance that she would be treated kindly and with compassion. You are right that I will need all the help I can get. I also want my daughter to know her family. But at the same time, I must fiercly protect her and her father has not had the greatest track record for thinking things through and considering other people’s feelings.

You sound like a wonderful, strong, determined person. You husband is damn lucky to have you as a wife. If anyone can pull your family back together, you can. I’m not sure I would be so strong even without the pregnancy induced emotional instability. Of course, I will never know. I wish you the best of luck and thank you for you input. It was very helpful.

Hello Everyone,

I am new here. I have been a guest for about a month and once I read this I felt that I should finally say something.

I must start out with, It really is sad how selfish the people in this world are. I have no simpathy for you at all! Yes he did lie to you and everyone eles, but there is one thing that he did not lie about and that was that he was married!

When does that just become the rule for off limits! Whether the husband knows it are not you would not be the one with a child by a married man.

It is sad we have no morals these days. I bet you would want him to be faithful to you though and would want other women to respect your commitment to him. Right!

You all by yourself decided you would disregerd this and accept his invitation in thier lives!

And now because of your selfishness you look for answers and justification from the very ones you choose to hurt.

I would dare tell you my story you, if you want a story call the wife of the man you were sleeping with behind her back!

You deserve everything you got none of us do we had no choice in the matter like you did.

When we made our vows we hope that our husbands and others would honor them before God.

You on the other had surprise me on how you now want what you should has offer her. You want her to treat you and child with love and respect. Why didn't you give her that? You want to know the otherside of the story. Why didn't you give her that, you could have easily pick up the phone and asked her what her side of the story was, but no deep down you knew there was a possibility that the man you so adore was lying to you and using you.

So you so selfishly went as far and got into as deep as you could to keep what you wanted, willing to take him from his kids and his wife for yourself.

You should be ashamed you should feel guilty and you should Repent!

I also must say I get very cautious when I see OW getting information from a site called Marriage Builders when you do exactly the opposite.

You should do onto others as you would have them do onto you!

Peace of mind you and the husband are theives you have forever stolen that from that women and her kids.


And to answer your question of the OC around the BS, one thing you can count on she will be a better women then you!

And for all BS I respect what ever your decision is in this matter this is just my opinion!

I can't hope that we will all feel the same in such a unbelievable situation.

LoveMeNot - I have some information that might help you talk about this situation with people further along on the same journey you are on. You can email me at niosgirlatyahoodotcom if you want it.

It hard, and I understand your fears....you are not alone by any means tho. There are people out there on both sides of this that have made it through this mess.

- Kimmy

YOU have not been betrayed. You are a standard issue, run of the mill other woman. You seem to think that what he told YOU is the truth, but what he tells his wife is a lie. The truth is, he had an affair with a woman who had no problem with having sex with a married man. A woman who gets herself pregnant, apparently with the love and support from her family and friends, hoping this man leaves his wife and children. Nice mess YOU and HE created.

Then you are here, wondering if his wife, will be unfair to the oc? How selfish. The first thing you need to understand is what is best for your child may not be what is best for him, her or their family. THEY ARE INNOCENT ALSO. Your childs needs/wishes to not supercede his wife's or their children. Your wishes and needs don't even count or matter.

All the cruelty and lies....you participated in. You can hardly cry foul now. You CHOSE this for yourself.

This man choose to leave you 6 weeks before your due date cause he was probably getting scared of losing his wife. You being upset/hurt wasn't an issue for him. That is your problem, not his. He was probably home loving up his wife and trying to figure out what he is going to tell her when the mistake is out of the bag. And you say that is an obligation?? He was concerned for HER not you.

I feel sorry for you. If you proudly told your family and friends that you were knocked up by another womans husband, and they were all happy and proud, hoping and wishing for him to leave his family, you are in for a tough life. The lack of morals and common decency are all astounding.

Is he now going to be an [censored] for not destroying his family for you? Just remember, what you and your family and friends think, is just what theirs will think of you. There are two sides here.

Your passive aggressive swipe at wives on here for choosing to trust their husbands after this is interesting. First, they have open relationships with their husbands. They have a history full of highs and lows. They have memories and have created a total life. They are accpeted by families, raising children, paying mortgages, etc. together. Their relationship isn't based on easy sex in the back seat of a car. A complete life. You were just an affair. BIG DIFFERENCE. Also, for you to believe everything he said to you is naive. Would you have ripped off your panties had he told you that he loves his wife and children but as long as you were willing he would have sex with you?


You say he is staying out of obligation? As if she has no choice in her own marriage. A foolish thought many ow have. Trust me, when she learned of you and your oc, he was mortified, her pain was his first and foremost concern. If this was all just obligation, why bother? Do you really think people who marry are that cold to each other?

No woman would stay with a man if he was only their out of an obligation. Give that wife some credit here for crying out loud. HE is staying with her, holding her at night and telling her how sorry he is for all the hurt he has caused her. Bottom line is the cat is out of the bag, I'm sure she has told him to leave, etc. But he is fighting to stay with her. The feelings that matter to him are hers.

Ever wonder why so many wifes are caught off guard when an affair happens???? It's cause their husbands are kind to them, making love to them, telling them they love them. Then when they get caught in an affair, it shocks the wife cause she thought it was all fine.

You passive aggressive swipes are so standard, that they are amusing. Your punctuations of Obligations, and owing, etc. are not unnoticed. You have deluded yourself into thinking she is the interloper in your love, and that he is making some huge sacrifice by staying with her. Then your swipe at learning to trust thier husbands again????? the mistake of the ow and the oc can be forgiven.

And you coming on here, assuming that SHE would be cruel or mean? The gall. All the wives on here ARE "SHE". Some have contact, and those who do take damm good care of those children, some better then the ow. How dare you worry about HER.

Based on your message of telling your family and friends, proudly of your child, and all the excitement of waiting for him to leave his family for you....makes me think the bigger problem for this child is your bitterness, and your own family and friends, and their utter lack of morals and decency.


Just as you want to protect your oc, they will want to protect their family. YOU hardly have a record of thinking things through and considering other peoples feelings.

I think your message is full of passive aggressive swipes and serves no purpose to anyone trying to build their marriage. There are other sites across the internet that will support you. Coming here as if you are wonder mother and taking swipes at wives is hardly productive.

LynnG,

That was well said and well done. I know there was not a moment that my husband was distance or not loving to me or our children. We even have a child that will be less than a year apart from the illegitimate one when it is born. And when he see the pain I'm in it makes him cry for what he has done.

If only these other women could take the responsibility for their evil part.

But the truth is they are only sad and regretful because their their evil little plot didn't work out for them now enjoy single parenthood and the disgrace you brought on yourself.


And I am the first to let people know what kind of person you are and my husband was. I believe in the truth setting people free and lies keeping them in bondage.

And you know what the it is even more obvious not just to my husband and children but everyone around that I am true to my vows until death due us part.

Some people love not just by words but by actions.

And I love my children, my family, and my husband.

Hello LMN,

As you can see this is a very sensitive topic. My H had an affair with a co-worker and she became pregnant. We recently discovered through DNA that the child is not his child.



My H and I had intentions of not having C with the OC had the child been his. Our reasons for NC would have been our inability to have a meaningful marriage and have the evidence of the affair staring at us daily. We were not delusional...we were more than aware that a child existed, we had decided to write a check and leave the rest behind. It was best for our marriage. Your MM seems to be able to have C with your child. I'm sure that his W will play a large role in that C. Most of the women here who have C are wonderful parents to the OC. You have nuts everywhere, even some who give birth, but most women don't take the bitterness out on the child, she may on you, but rarely on the baby.

I hope that you didn't take what some of the ladies had to say as being cruel or mean...I think its good to hear that, to know that there are real people at the other end of the spectrum. People who are hurt, and that you played a part in that pain. Now if you take that and move forward with your life...you will be be fine and do well. I guess now is a rough time to start wondering whether the MM will be a good father and whether his W will be a good stepmother. It's too late, the child is here and they have every right to be in the child's life. My word of advice will be to pay special attention and if you feel that there is some form of child abuse, handle it accordingly. I doubt if you will.

I wish you and your child nothing but the best.

OW thought process ~~~> [color:"red"]

>feelings are more important than vows/committments

>if I ignore facts then I do not have to deal with them

>once he falls completely in love with me he will leave his family

>our relationship should mean more to MM than his family

>married does not mean married if someone is unhappy

>once he leaves his wife and children everyone will be happier

>if a relationship is 'meant to be' it will not be hard work

[/color]


[b]I have been around infidelity discussion boards for years ... this never changes .... and one of the common fallout events is ~~~> the OW has less chance of EVER having a strong marriage foundation because she, essentially, has a "renter" mentality when it comes to marriage

and THIS thinking error.... is universally applicable to all adulterors ~~~> [color:"red"] feelings are more important than vows or committments
[/color]

which is usually followed by THIS thinking error: [color:"red"] I DESERVE to be happy[/color] ... as opposed to "I deserve to live ethically bound."

Many times, the OW never changes her thinking errors ... and the cycle of hurt continues. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> BECAUSE she takes the same relationship mistakes into HER future married life... and that prohibits her from ever becoming a BUYER. One cannot be a true buyer unless they respect ALL marriage vows ... even the inconvenient ones!

Pep

Dear LoveMeNot

I strongly recommend for you to click on the bookstore section of THIS site and BUY the book

Buyers Renters & Freeloaders

my prayer for you is you learn how to make important decisions based on your moral compass instead of your ~feelings wheel~ ... where you spin the ~feelings wheel~ <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" /> and take your chances.

THIS book will give you a CHANCE at ever becoming a happily married woman in your future! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Pep

"Why? I loved this man so much I would have done ANYTHING for him even if that meant letting him walk away. And yet he had so little regard for me he could not even save me the pain and humiliation of these lies. This seems so incredibly cruel. Why? Just for the sex? I don’t understand and possibly I never will, but this is a big source of my anger and resentment. "

This comment made by you could have been written by any of the BW here. The lies you were told were the same type as told to the W. I am always AMAZED that OW think the the MM would only lie to the W! Never her. An affair is ALL about lies.

But you still had an affair with a married man. Even if you thought he was unhappy and felt sad for him........he was not available. And he is not available to be a parent to your child without his wife. If they choose to have contact (that could change), she will be part of everything. She is the step-mom and you chose her by choosing her H to have sex with.

If she chooses to go along with contact, you can be assured she probably cares about your child more than you know. She would never go along with contact if she couldn't separate you and the creepy affair, from the innocent child. She has a choice, you know. But it's a crappy choice. No real option for her because you are still involved and the child is still there whether they choose contact or not. I was not interested in having our OC involved in my family in any way. OW still wanted to break up my family long after OC was born. So, I would not have separated the affair from OC. OC was leverage from the beginning to force my H to leave our family.

My H made his choice and we have no contact.

I am shocked that all your friends and family thought your pregnancy with a married man was okay and supported you in the destruction of his family. With friends like that..........!

Good luck. I hope you can all work this out and make the best of a horrible situation. Everyone's woman's nightmare, made true by you and her H.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6080_buyer.html

Renters believe Our relationship is temporary. You may be right for me today and wrong for me tomorrow.

Buyers believe We are together for life.

Renters believe Our relationship should be fair. What I get should balance what I give.

Buyers believe We both contribute whatever it takes to make our relationship successful.

Renters believe As needs change, the relationship may end if needs are difficult to meet.

Buyers believe As needs change, we will make adjustments to meet new needs.

Renters believe Criticism may prompt me to change if it's worthwhile for me to do so.

Buyers believe Criticism indicates a need for change.

Renters believe Sacrifice is reasonable as long as it's fair.

Buyers believe Sacrifice is dangerous and to be avoided.

Renters believe Short-term fixes are fine.

Buyers believe long-term solutions are necessary.

People having affairs are NEVER BUYERS , they are FREELOADERS while having adulterous affairs. ALWAYS!

... to the OW's of the world ... pick out a future husband who is a BUYER-IN-THE-MAKING ... NOT a FREELOADER who is capable of having his affections detoured out of a committed marriage !

Pep

Freeloader is unwilling to put much effort into the care of his or her partner in a romantic relationship. He or she does only what comes naturally and expects only what comes naturally. It's like a person who tries to live in a house without paying rent or doing anything to improve it unless the person is in the mood to do so.

Renter is willing to provide limited care as long as it's in his or her best interest. The romantic relationship is considered tentative, so the care is viewed as short-term. It's like a person who rents a house and is willing to stay as long as the conditions seem fair, or until he or she finds something better. The person is willing to pay reasonable rent and keep the house clean but is not willing to make repairs or improvements. It's the landlord's job to keep the place attractive enough for the renter to stay and continue paying rent.

Buyer is willing to demonstrate an extraordinary sense of care by making permanent changes in his or her own behavior and lifestyle to make the romantic relationship mutually fulfilling. Solutions to problems are long-term solutions and must work well for both partners because the romantic relationship is viewed as exclusive and permanent. It's like a person who buys a house for life with a willingness to make repairs that accomodate changing needs, painting the walls, installing new carper, replacing the roof, and even doinf some remodeling so that it can be comfortable and useful.

typical OW-esque advice give to each other on TOW ~~~> [color:"red"] " Go with your heart"[/color]

as opposed to

[color:"red"]Do what is right ... even when difficult[/color]

Pep

Remember ... LoveMeNot

when you say anything like this:



you are EQUALLY describing your own character

mind your character and your integrity ... which right now are looking tattered and disposable ... I hope you read the recommended book

Buyers Renters and Freeloaders

sjohnson

WOW! Is all I can say! Excellent post!

Ann

You need to search your soul and find out why you allowed yourself to become involved with a married man. You sound sincere but you also sound like you are waivering back and forth between full acceptance of your actions and rationalization and justification of your actions.

Nothing justifies adultery. It doesn't matter what the man said to you or promised you. You, because of something within yourself, allowed yourself to cross a boundary that never should have been crossed. And because you made the choice to cross that boundary, you can't pick and chose the consequences. You can't say he is the daddy, but his w isn't the step-mom. Accept it, it was your choice, and now you need to grow up and put the child FIRST and put SELF aside. You do not have any more rights to decision in the child's life than the father. You are not more of a parent than the father. Even if the legal system is slanted in your direction, that does entitle you to disrespect the father and limit his r with his child for your interest (even if you say they are in the interest of the child, look deep inside, if you were over the MM you wouldn't be dwelling on what ifs about the w and trying to justify why she should be excluded or why you should limit c with the father).

As another poster stated, you made the same choices that he did without much thought. And if he is pursuing joint custody, I think the w is on board with it an will most likely be an excellent step-mom.

I think most women who probably can't seperate the child from the A, probably don't stay with their h anyway, or would only agree to limited or no c.

sjohnson & lynng

your posts are wonderful and to the point and I agree with them 1000%

The actions of an OW in an A are wrong and there is no justification for it. But, there is such a thing as a truly repentent OW, who sees the error of her ways. I admit they are in the minority but they do exist. LMN isn't there yet but I think she is a lot closer to it than most.

Ann

PB

Thanks for the book recommendation. I think I will read it and I hope LMN does too. It sounds interesting. I think I have always been a buyer. Even when I was a misguided, textbook codependent, stupid, selfish, lost 16 year old adultress, a wedding vow was a sacred commitment I only intended to make once in my life. Because of my own unresolved personal issues, I lied to myself and told myself it was OK to get involved with my h because his d was pending and he was physically seperated from his w. Was it really OK? No, it was wrong and it was adultery, plain and simple. But I was young (no excuse), selfish and didn't care, my decision were about ME and what I wanted so I came up with my own way to rationalize and justify that our r was OK. I lied to myself and bought the lie as every OW does, whether she will admit it to anyone else or not. Many will never even admit it to themselves.

Ann

I wanted to say that even though I am a bs, I feel for you.
There are different kinds of OW. There are ones that just wanted to be loved and honestly made a mistake and feel guilty. For these women I do feel compassion, because we all make mistakes and all of us want to be loved. Things can happen when we are at weak points in our lives.

BUT I do not feel compassion for the "women" who are not accountable for their part. Who consider themselves "victims." Who really have a lot of hatred in their heart for themselves as well as the innocent wife.
They really are to be pitied. They are really hurting but instead of acknowledging their pain, they lash out.

There is something missing in these women.
In my case, the OW is just like above.

I don't hate the OC. I feel sorry for him. We have no contact. The reason we have no contact. His mother. His mother calling our home, sending letters, driving by, stalking us.

It's obvious that she is hurt. But she took a chance "dating" a married man and she lost. My husband dumped her as soon as she informed him she was pregnant.
He never went back. I KNOW this from the OW.

She and my husband are both paying spiritual prices.
My h is depressed because of all of this. He has to pay out BIG money once a month. He is embarrassed and wants to forget. She got him where it would hurt the most in the pocket.

Life isn't much better for the OW who goes on to raise two children and neither child has a father in their life. She goes on to raise a child from a 6 month affair where the father has never saw the child. How horrible.


I thank God that I have been able to move on. At one point I hated her. Now I just feel sorry for her.

Neither of these people thought of anyone but themselves.

Now maybe if the OW had called and apologized to me, never harrassed me, things would be different. Maybe her child could be a part of our lives but because of the OW's actions, her child has never saw his dad.
I have even kept all the dirty nasty letters. If she tries to tell her child anything, I have the proof in HER own handwriting.

You are lucky, at least the father wants to be a part of your daughter's life.

We would never turn the OC away if later on in life, he wants to know his father. We just don't want to be bothered with the OW.

I think it takes an awesome woman to accept a child from an affair.

I'd also like to add that most OW think that wives that stay are stupid or weak.

You need to know that most of us stay just so YOU don't get our husbands. The affair made my husband appreciate me. Both my husband and the OW showed their true colors and realized that they didn't even really like each other.

I always secretly suspected this played a larger role than people are comfortable admitting. Thanks for your insight. I am sorry for the obvious pain this has bestowed on your life.

Lem

Well, I may not be as far a long in the this recovery so my words might sound harsh and bitter but here it goes anyway...How dare you, how dare you question my decencey as a wife, mother, and human being to treat your child with anything but love and kindness. I love my little lulu with everything just as she were my own. My children love her. She is a part of our family, yes a part of the family that makes my life harder, makes me have to think about the affair more often than I would like but that is not her fault that is my husbands and her mothers they make it hard, because THEY chose this, you chose to have a child by a married man knowing that he had other factors in his life that would make you being in it difficult at best, you should just be grateful that this man and his wife want your child in their lives, instead of questioning the acts and motives of the wife. Just as I tell my husband when lulu is out of our care, you gave up any right to question what she does as a mother when you decided to have contact with a child that belongs to someone other than me. I mean seriously it irks me to no end that you would question the motives of the wife, the wife who was probably hurt more and worse by this than she ever could have imagined. I took vows to love my husband for better or worse, when I said those vows I never imagined that this would be worse that he would have given himself to another woman and gotten her pregnant but thoughs are vows nonetheless and I do love my husband even when I hated him I loved him more than anything. You however and when I say you I mean all OW take our husbands when they are stressed or exhausted or just frustrated with life and make them "feel good" or boost their egos, while us the wives are at home cooking dinner, taking care of the house, and kids, and the endless supply of bills that we struggle to pay, the mounting laundry that needs to be taken care of, You see its not you that our husbands love or want its the freedom of responsibilty that they love, its the fact that he has no ties to you no obligation as you say to you, you don't matter to him, yea sure he "loves" the sex but thats lust, what he really loves and has just temporalily forgotten is sitting at home in tears waiting for him. So again how dare you question me.

There is only one kind of other woman. She is a woman who is playing the harlot, the adulteress. The only time I think she is innocent is when she truly does not know the man is married. After that any involvement with the man, emotional or physical before the divorce is final, is adultery. Her sin of adultery is no different than the adulteress who is in a ltr affair with a married man or has a ONS.

Now, some come to realize their sin, repent and accept responsibity and do not continue in their distorted mindset or adulteress behavior. They seek forgiveness from God and all parties they have injured. When this happens, they are no longer the other woman or the adulteress. And I think you are having compassion for the repentent person who was an adulteress, at one time, but is no longer.

Just as a person can sin with lust in their heart and no physical contact, others continue to be adulteresses in their minds by choice even after the affair has ended.

Proverbs 30:20
"This is the way of an adulteress: She eats and wipes her mouth and says, 'I've done nothing wrong.'

I say this as one who committed adultery in my youth. I KNEW IT WAS WRONG but I came up with my own justification for why it was OK in order to get what I wanted. Which is exactly what you hear the unrepentant OW saying now. She doesn't want to see the truth because she would really have to look at herself to see the truth and it is a harsh truth at that.

Ann

I believe that the OW becomes clean of her sin, only in the moment that she chooses to stop blaming the MM for his part. She picks up her life, and makes the best choices she can for her child - which in most cases, she is UNWILLING to do - to think in the best interests of a child, who deserves to grow up untainted by her sin - adoption... Nah - most will never be that selfless, caring, and committed to not having her sin pass upon the head of her out-of-wedlock baby.

Instead, most choose the faux-martyr route - claiming to sacrifice her life for the sake of her child. BA-LONE EEEE!! Her child could have a mommy AND a daddy, who are in a committed, covenant marriage relationship, untainted by the cheating and lying that surrounded that baby's conception... I've seen OW post here about how they just couldn't "do that" to their child - do what? Give them two parents with one less reason for conflict??? Give me a break!

Likewise, when MM stops blaming the OW for tempting him, leading him from his covenants, his beloved wife and children... that he sinned all on his own, and if it hadn't been her, it would have been someone else because of HIS willingness to sin...

Sadly, he has no power to choose for the child's future, in today's legal system. Instead, he must make due with the whims of a woman who has already partnered with him in attempts to destroy all that he once held dear, and wants to hold dear again. He cannot choose the selfless act of adoption so that a baby can have two emotionally unencumbered parents...

Oh well. Lie to yourself if you want to OW - but I am not deceived. While you blame the MM in any way shape or form, you are not reformed, and you are still the OW. While you lock your child's future to your sinful relationship, you are not reformed.

Kayla

I gotta hand it to you

you are honest as the day is long

I dig that!

Pep

[quote]
I always secretly suspected this played a larger role than people are comfortable admitting. Thanks for your insight. I am sorry for the obvious pain this has bestowed on your life. [quote]

At first I was shocked. I was shocked that this "woman" would come after me. Would have the audacity to hate me because she could not get at my husband. I also thought why should I kick him out. He is/was a good man. He was a good man who did something really stupid and hurtful.

Also, he WANTED to stay. Over and over he tries to make it up. So yes at first I stayed because she was not going to get him. The funny thing is after finding out MORE about her, they wouldn't have lasted anyway.

So yes I started out staying with my husband because I didn't want her to get him but I ended up staying because our love grew STRONGER because of this.

Of course we have no contact. In our case, I do not believe that our marriage could work with contact.

The more things that the OW did the more she turned off my husband. I just sat back and watched. I never said anything bad about her never had to. Her letters, phone calls etc. showed her true colors.

The greatest honor a student can receive is one given by her teacher.

Thanks!

I don't think The Other Woman with Baby is coming back.

I hope she gets the help she needs.

I hope she read the messages written here and took them to heart to get a better perspective of what is really going on in her life and begin to heal.

Good luck, TOWB

Well, I guess she wanted to know, and I think she heard the pain. Hopefully she can better understand where the BS is coming from now.

I know I didn't mean to scare her away, but I think it was imperative for her to see, what this does to families, individuals, marriages, children. I wish her nothing but the best. I mean that.

Excellent thread.

I trully believe that people dont like things people do, but that's because they don't understand. You all attack this woman for what she did and right now you all may say "I would've never done that", but the truth is you all have not been in her shoes. Yes what she did is not right in the eyes of God, but how many things have we all done that are not right. A sin is a sin no matter how small it is. You all don't have to understand what I'm saying and I respect you opinion. Unfortunately, this happened to her today, well this may happen to you tomorrow.

Not everyone attacked.

Some tried to help.

All encompassing statements have pitfalls, no?

So, what is your point? That since many of us find her behavior horribly selfish, that WE are wrong? Sorry, I don't think WE are wrong.

You say we don't like what she did cause we don't understand????? What is to understand? She had an affair with a married man and sees herself as a victim and now has the gall to question the wife's behavior/morals? STOW.

What is your point anyway? That she is somehow some poor victim here? She is not a victim. Not at all. Her own choices have her where she is, and her child too. She is reaping what she has sown.

They all are are victims. You all don't know exactly what the wife did for her husband to find love somewhere else. She is the victim? How do you know. There are consequences for what we do. Yes the wife had to suffer that her husband had an affair but was he getting from her what he really needed, obviously not. Now she has to suffer the consequences of her actions. Now the woman with the baby has to suffer the consequences to take care of a baby that she had with a married man. Is she the victim? We don't know. There are things that happen in life and they are for a reason. Besides we don't know what happens behind doors. Don't all married people know that. When I said that you don't understand is that you are not in her shoes so you don't undertand why she did what she did. I understand the point of view of everyone, we all are human and have different opinions. I understand that she is concerned about her baby being treated right because above all she is a mother and she wants to protect her baby no matter what we all say.

>You all don't know exactly what the wife did for her husband to find love somewhere else.
>She is the victim?

Yes. The wife IS the victim. And if the shoe fell and SHE (the wife) had an affair...HE would be the victim (no matter if he cheated first)

There is NO good reason to have an affair. Period. I don't care if she's gained 400 lbs. has a bad attitude, terminal halitosis, boils on her butt, and a club foot...still not a reason.

You don't like how you're living with your spouse....that's what divorce is for.

>I understand the point of view of everyone, we all are human and have different opinions.

Respectfully, bull hockey. No one understands everyone's pov. Again...there you go making all encompassing statements.

(sigh)

To quote dear Lemonman, "some people don't get it, and they don't get that they don't get it." Sadly, from your TWO posts you've made that abundantly clear.

Rubi - - I'm sorry but I'm laughing out (loud) and a load at this last post of yours. Perhaps you should put on some ruby slippers, tap your heels twice and instead of staying here in reality go back to the land of OZ, as it appears that's where you came from. Are you for real?! And - - - this is a P/C Forum in the Marriage Builders site, not a forum for OW's to come and whine, sniffle and snort.

I see you just registered and have a total of two posts. Must be from one of the other forums where some nasty OW's (didn't say all) chew their cud and then spew it all over the innocents.

gods and fishes, what have we got here.
moral relativism at its finest. Rubi, with all due respect, i dont think you have the slighest idea what you are talking about.

This didnt HAPPEN to her. She made a choice. a choice that had consequences that she is now living. The MM had a choice too and he is also living with the consequences. The only ones who didnt have a choice were the OC and the BW. This did HAPPEN to them.

Blaming the betrayed parter for the wayward spouses decison to stray is akin to blaming the rape victim for wearing a short skirt. and no, that isnt putting to fine a point on it.

Carolyn

TO Rubi,

Ya know what, ***** *** and your thoughts. I am the BW and I don't remeber forcing my husband to have sex with the OW, I don't remeber causing this, what I do remeber is laying awake at night wondering where my husband was, worrying that he was in an accident and dead on the road somewhere, I remember comforting him when this all fell apart, when what HE and HER chose to do, they were the only ones present when the affair began, what ever was wrong in our marriage he chose not to fix, he chose to have an affair, he chose an easy way out for him, that in the long run is costing everyone. We took vows, for better for worse, sickness and in health, foresaking all others until death do us part, since when did saying those vows before God, give him the right to an affair, when did that make it okay for him to have an affair for things that I did wrong in our marriage, Rubi you are so far off base, and I pray God gives you some sort of enlightenment. The OW here is choosing this for her life, she is not a victim nor is my husband, my children are, I am and the OC is. No one else, Regardless of what I did wrong. and as for the OW she knew he was married and they don't care so ya know what I don't care about them they had no regard for my feelings or my childrens, but now I am suppose to open my heart and have some sort of compassion for how their lives are a mess now, ****** no, they chose this, they chose to lay down in bed with someone elses husband, and I would never do that. I know that, yea I know I haven't walked in her shoes, but has she walked in mine. No, she hasn't she is expecting everyone do care for her and the fact that the married man stayed with his wife, well ya know what that is what he wanted all along or he would have left his wife. He just temporaily forgot that he loved his wife so much and now he is doing everything in his power to save that love, so if you ask if I care no I don't, She and our Husband chose this life for us, they did this no one else regardless of any extenuating circumstances, so as I said in the begining, ***** *** rubi and your thoughts.

That is not necessary true. Not every person is able to give up or other resourses given to her. I've met some great one parent homes and some great two parent homes. I've also seen some awful one parent homes and some awful two parent homes.

I've got 3 I'm raising. My two in school are both on the honor roll and It's due to ME dedicating my time and self for them and of course the hard work they put into there work. So to say it's baaaaaaaaaaalllllllllllllonnnnnnnne is not fair. It's a very general statement.

Children need a mommy and a daddy - they are better off. Single moms - my hats off to them. But, for an OW to claim she's acting in the best interests of an innocent baby by keeping that child from having a mommy and daddy who are unencumbered by the cheating lying relationship... THAT is BA-LONE-EEEEEEEE.

Daddies are important to little boys and little girls. Yes. You can raise them without... But I speak from experience. It's a very dangerous road to grow up hungry for a daddy's love. Paint a great big bulls-eye for predators!

Rubi...

I'm not going to debate whether the wife was a good person or a bad person, I don't really know, but I do know she was the WIFE...with that she deserves the respect from her H and any woman out her not to be betrayed. I don't care what she did at home...if he doesn't like it, he could leave, and if another woman felt he was being mistreated, then she should WAIT until he leaves.

The original poster wanted honest responses and that's what she got.

Awww...Mary, we KNOW you are a good mom! Yes, it is true we don't always have a choice. I was a single mum to my oldest for 6 years because I was stupid and got preggers without being m'd. Baby's daddy had no interest in marriage. Hugs to you!

What I find most disturbing is that alot of ow will wait and wait for months maybe years in hope for the mm to leave his wife and kids so that she can give him what he is missing at home or whatever they are supposedly rescuing him from. I mean really give me a break that just eats me alive to know that once things don't go their way or the end up raising a child from mm alone that they all of a sudden care about what the BS is thinking or how their oc will be treated. I understand that men lie and sometimes people fall for it, but that fact that he is married is no lie and anyone who gets involved with a mm can give a rats behind about the hurt that they are inflicting on others. If the mm did leave and continue the relationship with ow then I don't think she would be caring too much about the children from the BS and how they will fare in this ordeal. She would more than likely be on some site getting the approval of others and pats on the back about how she has finally made it and congrats on winning her man. Talk about wanting to make me vomit. Were you needing advice about the affair before the child came about? No you were eating up his every word waiting to see if he would drop the bomb on his wife and confess his undying love for you! Then the two of you could go off and live happily ever after right? Well oh looka here where you are. I don't like to see anyone hurt but hey this is the bed you have made for yourself. Search your own heart and I bet you would find you would not be so down and out if things worked out the way that you hoped.

I really feel sorry for the oc and hope that you can move on and allow this child to grow up as normal as possible considering the circumstances. The child did not ask to brought into this world. The child does have a father who happens to be married so therfore the oc has a stepmother. You can not control their home and neither can you deny the father the right to have visitation without due cause. So live with it, and if the mm's family wants the child around then I guess you will just have to suck that up too. If you didn't want that situation then you should have walked away when he told you he was married. The fact that you didn't means you were just as selfish as mm, and so whatever lies he fed you jokes on you!


I love my stepson with all my heart he is part of my family though I'm not his bio mother. I don't treat him any different than my own. I don't have to like the ow or like what she did but the oc was and is innocent so therefore in my eyes worthy of love. I believe in karma and what you do to others will come to bite you in the [censored] sooner or later. Some just a little sooner.

My advice is to live and let go. If the mm family is willing to love this oc let them you don't know just how much of a blessing that is considering what was done is very damaging. Your lucky if they were not to just decide to turn their back and not deal with it at all. I just hope that one of your lessons is that you wouldn't do that again because would you want it done to you and your family if the shoe was on the other foot? I take it you would be just as hurt and devasted as anybody if it were your marriage. Your human and not some superwoman which it seems alot of ow claim to be. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

I have a question...you say that I wasn't in her shoes, so I don't know why she did what she did....so tell me, what is an excuse for a woman to sleep with a known MM? I've thinking of one all day, and I still haven't come up with one yet.

I can understand her concern for her child, but where was that concern when she was sleeping unprotected with the MM. He can't sit here and say that she's unstable to be a mother after he has slept unprotected...she can't either. She picked him, and still had a choice. She chose to have a baby by a MM. Well with that comes circumstances....you can't have your cake and eat too, even though I get the impression, that's what's wanted. He AND his Wife will now be a part of this childs life. He will be in their family. So as another poster has clearly stated...it's time to GET OVER IT...his W had too, so I known darn well the OW has too as well.

You know - put like this, it seems that the only fit parent is the Betrayed Wife - she's the only one who's not unstable in this trio!

Well we all know that the MM and the OW have some serious shortcomings....but see this is the thing....people can change, if they choose.

I have said this a 1000 times....the moment you say that I was responsible for the affair, nobody else....just me and not blame the MM or the OW...your on your way....but if you have alot of "He's and She's and But's" in your conversation...you have a long way to go.

Amen, Crazy. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I want to apologize to Rubi and the board, my outburst of anger the other day was uncalled for, I was having a rough time with the OW in my life and vented. I still don't belive the W in any situation caused the affair, the MM had other options in his life than to cheat on his wife, but still nonetheless I could have stated my opion with a little less hostility so for that I am sorry.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Ah, but we DO know for certain, that any ow who willingly has a baby with a married man is NOT a victim. Not at all.

Her care/concern for the wellbeing of her oc is not a care or concern for the couple. They can do whatever they want and to bad so sad for the ow. If they choose contact, they don't even have to discuss it with her. The law will see to it that the father has time with the child. If they decide to not have contact, she can't say a thing either. Actually, who really cares if the ow is upset, or scared or hurt? Certainly not the couple.

And her being worried about how the oc will be treated is a far stronger testament to how she would (and already has) treated others. She assumes that since she doesn't care about others feelings that all people are that way. Considering that she ****** around without care, one can see where she has no grasp on reality. These women are like gunk stuck on the bottom of a shoe. Once a couple scrapes it off, they can walk of and forget about her. Even if they chose to see the child, SHE is not a consideration in what THEY decide.

What the ow feels is not an issue in the marraige. So what is the point of pointing out her issues? She doesn't matter.

As I told my OW..."you are a complete figment of my imagination".....

it never ceases to amaze me how this happens! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" />

Did you know that **I** also got MYSELF pregnant with my last son! AMAZING how that happens! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

Mom - I understand your point. Noone gets pregnant alone, but I can say for myself...I'm 36, fertile, and have been sexually active for quite some time...and I knew how NOT to get pregnant irregardless of what was on or not on the man's mind at the time. I was also capable of knowing the avenues I could take if I did get pregnant, and had second thoughts about where I wanted my life to go....and I didn't need anyone's permission to so.

It takes a woman and a man to create a life, however, after the creation has been completed (all of 2 seconds, thinking or not), all decisions fall on the woman....which is why I make it a point to watch my tail because in the end, I am the one who will carry the child, abort the child, give the child up for adoption, or have the child and have primary care of the child if I'm not married.

The man may send me a check, he may have C, he may not have...he has a lot of things in the air, I on the other, have some definitive things that I MUST do. So, if I can't do those things, then I won't get myself pregnant, that's another thing he doesn't control.

Funny. I blame my H 100% for what happened in my situation. HE was a stupid 25 year old who didn't care anything but to have sex regardless to the circumstances. AND though, I do have my stereotype on this type of "country girl wanting out of the little city".........Men have just as much responsibility as women do.

Your H has an affair. Yes, you can blame the OW till the cows come home but ITS your H who did the deed. HE is the one who should have been responsible. The OW wants your H and will do anything to get him....pregnancy or no pregnancy.


AND yes Crazyhurt~ I would think it would be easy to say that your OW is a "complete figment of your imagination" when you have the end result that you did. BUT it would be a cold day in H*&& before I let my H think it was. You were just plain o'lucky.

BBU~

Crazy may not have an OC, but she does have an OW. I'd say you're pretty darn lucky as well, as you have neither.

Autumn Day...I had responded to that comment, but I guess I didn't press the correct buttons...it's not here. I didn't know that BBU didn't have either...but that's ok..I'll respond.

Whether my OW had my H's child or not...whether we had C or not...she could still be a figment of our imagination. What would her importance be to us? Our concern would be for the child...as far as I would have been concerned...she would have been a vessel.

My H will not likely forget this past year. No not by a long shot. I blame him 75% for the affair...the OW will always get some of the blame, especially if she knew he was married.

Someone please tell me when I have ever NOT blamed my H for this mess. I have always given him the blame...he has never gotten off scott free. I simply choose to give the OW her due share as well, irregardless of how YOU decided to handle your stitch. To be completely honest, I really don't think the OW was after my H, his money maybe...but not necessarily the man. To be really, really honest....if she wanted him that bad, and he wanted to go, what exactly could I do? I would open the front door and wish him well...I would hurt for a season, and then pick up and move on.

Don't ever think that I don't believe that my H and I have been blessed, but one of the main reasons that I stick around is because I know how feels to be one of these ladies, and whether we have an OC or not, my stance hasn't changed an iota, and the pain of being betrayed is still there...and will be there for some time.

I blame my H, but I blame the figment of my imagination too.

Rubi


I do not feel I attacked her in anyway and I actually don't feel that anyone else did either. I would have to re-read all the posts to state that for certain. I did the best I could to be direct and tell her the truth in love and answer her question. I have never been in the situation of OW with OC. But I have been in the shoes of the OW before. Knew it was wrong and went ahead and did it anyway, it was easy to come up with rationalizations and justifications for why it was OK in my case. It never was OK and never will be OK for anyone to commit adultery. She needed to hear that I think. Maybe if I would have hear it, I wouldn't have married my h. I don't know. You never know about what if, until it is no longer what if for you.


none of us will be sinless until we are out of this world, I understand what you are saying and I take no offense. The Bible says to flee the temptation of A, not that anyone is strong enough to stay and resist. So the best thing to do is make a conscious effort to never be placed in a situation and then run like ****** if you ever find yourself there.

Adultress describes ones behavior and mindset

Proverbs 30:20 or 20:30
The adulteresss eateth and wipes her mouth, and says I have done no evil.

She must face this in order to get past it and she must recognize the consequences to her actions. She seemed like she was heading that way, but wasn't quite there yet to accept full responsibile based upon some of her comments. No one would have done her any favors by telling her all is OK. You have to recognize your sin as sin, before you can repent of it.


Ann

notdoneinyet

You are right. When I was involved with my h before his d to his ex-w was final, I didn't care. Knew it was wrong then but lied to myself about how the circumstances were different, blah, blah, blah. And I never lied to the w, other than one date when I didn't know he was married, his w knew of everything. Does that mean I didn't play the harlot. NO! It doesn't make a difference. My h and I have been married for almost 20 years, does that make what I did then right, ABSOLUTELY NOT! The thing is you make selfish choices WHEN you KNOW they are WRONG and then as a defense mechanism or whatever you convince yourself, your case is different, you RATIONALIZE AND YOU COME UP WITH JUSTIFICATIONS in your own mind.

Until the OW realizes this it doesn't matter what anyone tells her, because she is still playing the adulteress/harlot in her mind by her own free will. I KNOW. I HAVE BEEN THERE!. By the grace of God I am thankful that I saw that long ago, way before becoming a BS myself.


rubi, there IS NO EXCUSE FOR ADULTERY. No spouse deserves it, no betrayed spouse is responsible for it. They share responsibility in the health of the marriage but they don't even know about the affair or give consent so how are they responsible for it. SIMPLY, THEY AREN'T.


Don't assume something is obvious. If a spouse isn't getting what they need or want (which I am not agreeing that is the case I am just saying IF) then the spouse has the responsibility to communicate his need/want to the other spouse. The OW isn't the victim in the A, she made a willful choice. If it was against her will, it is called rape, not an affair.


Look at the reason she is alleging concern, the alleged concern isn't based on what the wife has or hasn't done, but what the OW has done. She need to deal with the guilt and move on with her life and stop projecting her problems onto other innocent parties that had nothing to do with her current circumstances. Maybe the h lied and said he was d his w, is it the w's fault, the h begged not to d when the w found out about the child, NO.

Take accountability for your own actions and don't worry about other people.

The only thing the wife is guilty of is marrying her h and then staying married to her h after an affair.

Wow! What a great question! I appreciate being asked because our exow assumes how I feel and never asked me.

I adore our oc. It breaks my heart that exow cannot allow this oc to be loved by 3 parents not just her and my H. I would never speak ill of her in front of oc, that is his mother! She will not allow me the opportunity to share my unconditional love with a c that never chose to be born under such circumstances. So instead my H and I have to love him from afar and wait until he is old enough to explain to him why we could not be more involved in his life.

Give this bs a chance to get to know this miracle. Talk to her if you can and share your fears. Our exow did share her fears with me and I told her she would have to take a risk to trust me until I proved otherwise. Unfortunately, she couldn't live with the kindness I showed and instead chose to make up unfounded accusations about me and now we have very little c with oc. It is a sad situation.

I am sorry you were blinded by this man's lies. I hope your situation can be one of the success stories where the oc is surrounded by lots of adults who love him/her no matter what the circumstances.

Good luck!

we are not perfect. we make mistakes. i dont know why im telling you this, as i am a BS.. but it seems that i can feel your hurt. you have been lied to...

but there is no excuse for what you have done. first and foremost, you shouldnt have engaged yourself to a married man. so, the pain that you have suffered was your medecine.. a wake up call... for us BS--- we have the last laugh.

i cant speak for every BS coz every person has different views and opinions... i also told my husband that i would like to adopt his oc, wholeheartedly... so, only you can decide what's best for your daughter.

i hope you have learned your lesson well...

godbless