6+ years, still in recovery (not for newbies) - 10/18/06 04:24 AM
DISCLAIMER: I had intended for this to be a positive post, but it sounds quite depressing to me. Therefore it may not be helpful for those in the beginnings of reconciliation.
I know that many of you do not know me, but I do check in everyday, and I mean everyday. (OK weekends are hard but I try to take a peek)
I am not really sure why I am checking in tonight. In reading tonight I got to feeling a bit nostalgic and finally have some time to post.
We are 6 years 3 months from d-day, and still reconciling. It has been a long hard fight, and I am not going to say that we have this wonderful marriage now, and I am thankful that the affair woke us up to our problems. I honestly think that even to this day I wish I had never found out (and I know that just about everyone out there disagrees with this) but FOR ME the pain was too much, took such a toll on me, my poor children, and it is still there.
The affair still enters my head everyday. I still wonder about his child almost everyday. The child has been adopted by her last husband, and really was never a major issue with my problems with healing. The affair has been the problem, the child is an innocent person that didn't ask for all this. I do hope he is happy and well cared for. He is 6 1/2 now.
6 years, and sometimes I still wonder why, I still want to slap him silly, and am still struggling to find me.
Don't get me wrong. I love my H very much. I am glad we are still together. I want to grow old together. But I read posts of others that truly feel reconciled and wonder...where are we going wrong. There are days that things are great, more often than not. But then one of us will do something, and we start the old stuff again.
I really think that we reconciled all wrong. And I mean for us. I know that there is no right or wrong way. But we went thru so many marriage counselors, I know that he would never step foot in another office again. And I know that I focused on all the wrong things in therapy, and in life. I think I skipped over dealing with the issues of the affair, marriage and healing, and wanted to rush on with our lives, making a lot of mistakes along the way. I focused on finding comfort in all places but where I should have, with him. He was/is there. He wants to be here, be with me, says he loves me. He has been open, dealt with me questioning, doubting for these past years, and is still here. I am so sure that he is tired of it. This man is an open book, hides nothing, has given me no reason to suspect anything.
But I sit here as a shell of what I once was, taking on all to fill every moment so that I don't have to think. This is not an ah-ha moment, not just a recent revelation. I think it is more of an admission, to finally say it because you know what, I have been keeping this inside for at least a year now.
I know I need help with depression. I need to either get my meds right, or remember to take them!! I take them for about 2 months, no help so I take them when I remember. I have been struggling with depression since before I met him. And therapy would probably help.
So my life is so bogged down with girl scouts, working at a mothers day out program, starting a new hobby to be a part time job...am I still trying to fill that void? I also get so overwhelmed that with all that I am taking on the things that I want to keep up with are being pushed aside. I loved to prune my houseplants. They are lucky if they get water once a month. I love my animals but hardly have any time to spend with them.
People on the outside, at scouts, at the church daycare program see a different person. Even my H sees a different person, than what I am truly feeling inside. They would not guess I feel this lost.
I started this post to say that life does go on after an affair, but somewhere all this crap came gushing out. It may be the anonymity of a forum in that I finally feel I can let it out, and happened to have the time. Whatever it is, it is here, and as much as I want to delete it all and start to tell you how wonderful I feel...
Anyway, I do not want it to come out all wrong. I truly feel blessed in my life. I have a wonderful husband, I have 4 awesome children, I am branching out and trying to find my way, and enjoying myself. It is just when I have a chance to STOP this all comes into my head...
I just want the bad thoughts to go away...
gosh and here I thought I was doing so well...
I so want to hit "delete" so bad because I do not want to sound like I am looking for sympathy, for someone to say "Bless her heart" ... I really wanted to let you all know that life can be good...
AAAARRRGGGHHHH
I know that many of you do not know me, but I do check in everyday, and I mean everyday. (OK weekends are hard but I try to take a peek)
I am not really sure why I am checking in tonight. In reading tonight I got to feeling a bit nostalgic and finally have some time to post.
We are 6 years 3 months from d-day, and still reconciling. It has been a long hard fight, and I am not going to say that we have this wonderful marriage now, and I am thankful that the affair woke us up to our problems. I honestly think that even to this day I wish I had never found out (and I know that just about everyone out there disagrees with this) but FOR ME the pain was too much, took such a toll on me, my poor children, and it is still there.
The affair still enters my head everyday. I still wonder about his child almost everyday. The child has been adopted by her last husband, and really was never a major issue with my problems with healing. The affair has been the problem, the child is an innocent person that didn't ask for all this. I do hope he is happy and well cared for. He is 6 1/2 now.
6 years, and sometimes I still wonder why, I still want to slap him silly, and am still struggling to find me.
Don't get me wrong. I love my H very much. I am glad we are still together. I want to grow old together. But I read posts of others that truly feel reconciled and wonder...where are we going wrong. There are days that things are great, more often than not. But then one of us will do something, and we start the old stuff again.
I really think that we reconciled all wrong. And I mean for us. I know that there is no right or wrong way. But we went thru so many marriage counselors, I know that he would never step foot in another office again. And I know that I focused on all the wrong things in therapy, and in life. I think I skipped over dealing with the issues of the affair, marriage and healing, and wanted to rush on with our lives, making a lot of mistakes along the way. I focused on finding comfort in all places but where I should have, with him. He was/is there. He wants to be here, be with me, says he loves me. He has been open, dealt with me questioning, doubting for these past years, and is still here. I am so sure that he is tired of it. This man is an open book, hides nothing, has given me no reason to suspect anything.
But I sit here as a shell of what I once was, taking on all to fill every moment so that I don't have to think. This is not an ah-ha moment, not just a recent revelation. I think it is more of an admission, to finally say it because you know what, I have been keeping this inside for at least a year now.
I know I need help with depression. I need to either get my meds right, or remember to take them!! I take them for about 2 months, no help so I take them when I remember. I have been struggling with depression since before I met him. And therapy would probably help.
So my life is so bogged down with girl scouts, working at a mothers day out program, starting a new hobby to be a part time job...am I still trying to fill that void? I also get so overwhelmed that with all that I am taking on the things that I want to keep up with are being pushed aside. I loved to prune my houseplants. They are lucky if they get water once a month. I love my animals but hardly have any time to spend with them.
People on the outside, at scouts, at the church daycare program see a different person. Even my H sees a different person, than what I am truly feeling inside. They would not guess I feel this lost.
I started this post to say that life does go on after an affair, but somewhere all this crap came gushing out. It may be the anonymity of a forum in that I finally feel I can let it out, and happened to have the time. Whatever it is, it is here, and as much as I want to delete it all and start to tell you how wonderful I feel...
Anyway, I do not want it to come out all wrong. I truly feel blessed in my life. I have a wonderful husband, I have 4 awesome children, I am branching out and trying to find my way, and enjoying myself. It is just when I have a chance to STOP this all comes into my head...
I just want the bad thoughts to go away...
gosh and here I thought I was doing so well...
I so want to hit "delete" so bad because I do not want to sound like I am looking for sympathy, for someone to say "Bless her heart" ... I really wanted to let you all know that life can be good...
AAAARRRGGGHHHH