Folks, I am starting a new post. I think this is a different enough issue that it needs a new slot.
Does anyone have any experience with children of an affair? Sorry this is long but it's complicated. I don't know where else to post this but I really need help! This web site has the most experienced and helpful comments I've found.
My H has/had a long term affair. He has twin girls (allegedly-refuses DNA test) who are 7. His A partner was, and still is married to her H. Her H name is on their birth cert, he has raised them as his. While he may not be the same wonderful father my H is, he is by everything we understand, a good father (even from the A partner who always used him as a reason for her participation in the A.) The kids have a loving family, they have a house, both parents work, supportive extended family, no drug problems, no abuse, the kids are happy and healthy and have an older brother who is her and her H child. AND they believe the man married to their mother is their father...
My H did not really have much to do with them until a little over a year ago but then he started meeting them and her at a park, then started picking them up and playing with them from daycare once a week alone. All this telling them he was just mommy's friend from work. He bonded with them. There was definitely some manipulation on her part. She had them draw pictures saying “we love you…” for him and make pottery for him. She had them tell him they loved him and told them he loved them and had them tell my H they loved him-not who they believe is their real father. Must have been confusing for them! This coincides with a huge step up in the intensity of their A, complete with renting an apartment together!
I found out 9 months ago. The A continued for 6 months. Now, they have apparently broken it off and arein NC-mostly. It seems more like he was "addicted" to her sexually. He used the kids as an excuse to continue the A but I can assure you, the hundreds of texts they exchanged were not about the kids, they were lustful, sexual messages and pictures. He said to me a lot, "it is all about the kids" but the text messages were not about the kids, they were about sexual desire... But he says he won't be happy unless he can be "part of their lives".
Now, we don't know what she wants to do but we haven't seen any paternity papers..
He wants to re-establish contact with them. He thinks he can do it through her H or her mother so he doesn't have to talk to her. He thinks he can live with only seeing them once in a while and not calling her every day to see how they are doing.
He thinks he will be good for them. I don't see how telling 7 year olds their daddy really isn't their daddy and mommy’s friend from work really is but they aren’t getting married, he’ll just be there for you. I doubt all the friends and family will accept this, especially her H family (do you think grandma will like this?) What do they tell their friends when he comes to their birthday party? I doubt it will strengthen their marriage. Would the A partner and her H getting a divorce help the kids? Is their marriage strong enough to withstand this?
So, will shaking up their world help these kids? I don't know. If they were in a difficult family, there were drugs, single parent, any difficult situation it would be different. But there isn’t; they are happy healthy well adjusted kids as far as I can tell. If they weren't 7 and know they have a daddy it would be different. If we had known when they were babies it would be easier.
There is no way he can go on seeing them without telling them as they will figure it out anyway. No one else has mommy’s friend from work hanging out with them. As soon as our kids know he is seeing her kids they will know because my daughter was taken along to play with the kids and our kids know she is the A partner. No other reason for him to play with those kids now that the A is over...
And our kids, would this be good for them? My son is 15 and entering a very rebellious period anyway. My daughter is 12 and loves everyone so I think she'll be ok as long as we stay together. They know about the A and have accepted that we are working it out and are trying to stay together. One benefit bringing it out would have is they would understand why it is so hard for me to get over this. (It never seems to be over!)
He says he is committed to working on our marriage and I can assure you there have been some very tough times since I found out where I have thrown him out and been very angry and hateful but he has stuck with me. But he thinks he will only be happy if he can parent those kids too. But truly don’t trust them together. It’s not like a divorce where parents have chosen to split, they were made to split. I don’t think their desire is as intense, but I don’t think it will ever go away…
Is risking our marriage worth it for my kids? I just don’t know I can trust him around her EVER and I don’t think I can live knowing he is still in contact with her- even if it really is "just about the kids" this time (I can barely type that without an anxiety attack.) Remember he told me it was “all about the kids” when he was secretly exchanging very intense, lustful, sexual text messages with her (and yes having sex still too-just not as often once I found out.)
They have had no contact for 3 months except for one text he sent her. But it wasn’t about the kids, it was “Love you” to her. I am told she didn’t respond….
I understand he should be a responsible parent. But what is that in this case? We also don’t know if she will allow it now anyway, but I don’t want to have him call her and ask and he has respected this. Is upsetting the world of 4 (actually 5 –her other child too) being a responsible parent?
I know in an infidelity support group, our experiences will bias our opinions. But what should I do? We are working on our marriage and we both see that we need to do that before adding this additional stress. This web site and a few others plus MC and IC all help. Today I know our marriage could not withstand the stress of him seeing the twins and he agrees. We are working through the affair recovery suggested. But there is this underlying stress all the time. If he is committed to me and I can’t live with him seeing the twins, and he can’t live without it, will he always resent me? Is it bad to see them? Good to see them? Am I being selfish? Is he being selfish? Why rock the world of 4 kids un-necessarily? Arrggg! My head just spins!
Help please???
PushPull,
Your H and OW are destroying 3 families by continuing their romance, (WH & W), (H & WW), (WH & WW). If they break it off the familes of (WH & W) and (H & WW) stand a chance.
As for (WH & WW) twins they need to be told the truth, as an OC I feel very strongly about this.
I was lied to by the parents who adopted me, all the while the adults around me knew the truth, sort of like being the butt of a conspiracy of silence painful, everyone knew but me. The reactions of the relatives etc I spoke with, tended to indicate they thought about it whenever they saw me.
God Bless
NJ
When I found out and questioned the people around me
Even if your H never plays much of a role in their lives they need to know. WW's H is not their father.
Blood does not make parents, or relatives. Emotions do, and they are based and relationships, and interactions. The best thing in the world I could have done for my DS 20 was to have had his dad fall of the earth when I D'ed him when DS was 2. Instead, the back and forth crap and games his F played, the contempt he has for him now, even if he loves him, are ridiculous. We chose NC not only with OW but also with OC. The OC is far better off if she would get her life together and find a real father for her OC. She created OC on purpose to be a mom but didn't think a dad was important, the consequences fall to her. We will not cause greater harm to the COM just to give a little bit to OC, it would cause more harm than good for everyone.
Fled
What if none of the other adults but your mother and her husband, the only father you have ever known, were the only ones who know? No real conspiracy.
What age? At 7 i think kids want stability. Will them knowing their father isn't their father but he is still living with them and married to their mother make them feel safe?
Really, I want to do the right thing for them too.
Your H and OW are still very much in an affair, even if with minimal contact. Your H is still very selfishly thinking like a wayward. Yes, the kids should be told the truth IF IF IF DNA PROVES your H to be the father but not until they are older. OWH is providing a loving, stable home which their so called bio parents are NOT!!!
I don't know what to tell you pushpull. It is a crappy situation for you. Be prepared to tell your own kids at some point again IF IF IF DNA proves your H to be the biodad.
PushPull,
You wrote
What if none of the other adults but your mother and her husband, the only father you have ever known, were the only
ones who know? No real conspiracy.
I guess it is implied that the BH knows the paternity of "his Child", even so kids know more than you think they know and I think on some level they even understand somethings they may have gathered from adult body language etc.
I won't say I knew anything concrete but I always had a special feeling for the person who turned out to be my biological father growing up. I would ask my adoptive Mother about where he had moved to etc. These children might also notice similarities between themselves and your H.
What age? At 7 i think kids want stability. Will them knowing their father isn't their father but he is still living with them and married to their mother make them feel safe?
I knew I was adopted from as early as I can recall, I was adopted out of my family at 18 months, so I would say the earlier the better. Might also make it better for their acceptance as an adoptive/step father which is what he really is.
Sucks to have no definite identity btw, when I look through family photographs from my adoptive parents I can't help thinking what a fraud it is for me to say they are my relatives yet in another sense they are.
When I married my wife I seriously considered taking her last name just to get a definite identity.
A sin once committed goes on for a thousand years, no easy choices, just different types of pain. Perhaps we can accept that the truth is always best, at least you don't have to keep your story straight.
God Bless
NJ
PS I agree DNA, DNA, DNA if your H is not the FATHER then they will have to get to know a third "FATHER" at some time in the future. You can't take her word on it. This will also protect you financially from the other family.
This is really helpful, Thanks.
The ONLY reason to tell 7 year olds that their father is NOT their father is a SELFISH reason - selfish on the adult's part. What possible benefit would a 7 year old receive to have his world shattered? They are already getting screwed up enough trying to figure out why a strange man is basically romancing them.
Stop this nonsense immediately.
Catperson,
The ONLY reason to tell 7 year olds that their father is NOT their father is a SELFISH reason
ONLY?, how about the rights of people to know who they are, to have a genuine identity, not to be lied to, for the paternal grandparents to know that this child is not their flesh and blood? This is similar to arguing that infidelity should not be revealed because I didn't want to hurt the other person.
No matter when the truth is revealed to the children, and someday it will, it is going to hurt. I'm not sure if there is a good age.
Also I found out about the identity of my biological Mother after she was dead, all I got to do was wipe her gravestone with my tears year later.
God Bless
NJ
Folks, I am starting a new post. I think this is a different enough issue that it needs a new slot.
Does anyone have any experience with children of an affair? I do, in so far as I can't tell you if the man who raised me as his is my bio dad. Due to the timing of my conception during my mom's erratic cycles, my dad could be my bio father or it could be from the ex boyfriend of my mom. I'm not exactly an OC because my mom wasn't with the ex boyfriend, but the ? of my true paternity has always been a dark cloud in my parents relationship. (no ultrasounds back when I was a bean in the belly to confirm exact timing of conception)
My H has/had a long term affair. He has twin girls (allegedly-refuses DNA test) who are 7. His A partner was, and still is married to her H. Her H name is on their birth cert, he has raised them as his. While he may not be the same wonderful father my H is, he is by everything we understand, a good father (even from the A partner who always used him as a reason for her participation in the A.) Please try to step back from this emotionally. You seem smitten with your husband to think he is a better father than your wayward husband's affair partner's spouse. I'm not saying this as an angry BS. I'm saying this as the daughter of a man who raised me whether or not i was from his DNA. You're husband isn't a good father if he's doing what you describe in this thread. The kids have a loving family, they have a house, both parents work, supportive extended family, no drug problems, no abuse, the kids are happy and healthy and have an older brother who is her and her H child. AND they believe the man married to their mother is their father... He is the twins dad. And truthfully, for 7 year olds, they don't think in terms of DNA, rather they think in terms of acceptance by those who say they love them.
My H did not really have much to do with them until a little over a year ago but then he started meeting them and her at a park, then started picking them up and playing with them from daycare once a week alone. All this telling them he was just mommy's friend from work. He bonded with them. There was definitely some manipulation on her part. She had them draw pictures saying “we love you…” for him and make pottery for him. She had them tell him they loved him and told them he loved them and had them tell my H they loved him-not who they believe is their real father. Must have been confusing for them! This coincides with a huge step up in the intensity of their A, complete with renting an apartment together!Please quit minimizing your H's role in all of this. You mention the OW as being manipulative. Your H is just as nasty as she is. He's got 2 COM that he isn't considering. He thinks it's ok to tell someone else's kids that he's just their "mommy's friend". Sorry, but he's an emotional abuser. He's like a drug addict that sells their children to get the next fix. He's done nothing for 7 years. Refused DNA and allowed another man, who might actually be these children's bio father, do all the hard work of raising these kids. Now he worms his way back in. That's sad and sick.
I found out 9 months ago. The A continued for 6 months. Now, they have apparently broken it off and arein NC-mostly. It seems more like he was "addicted" to her sexually. He used the kids as an excuse to continue the A but I can assure you, the hundreds of texts they exchanged were not about the kids, they were lustful, sexual messages and pictures. He said to me a lot, "it is all about the kids" but the text messages were not about the kids, they were about sexual desire... But he says he won't be happy unless he can be "part of their lives". ie He won't be happy until he can have his fix. The kids can die for all he cares. Seriously. It's so not about them. Don't let him try to fool you that it is.
Now, we don't know what she wants to do but we haven't seen any paternity papers.. You're not going to see paternity papers. The paternity papers are the marriage certificate that says OW and her BH are legally married. Legal precedent was set when her BH didn't file for D as soon as he found out about the A. He would have needed to file at least for S and demand that paternity testing be done on the twins. He stayed with her and the state considers him to be the father. Even if OW and her BH get D, the BH would have a heck a legal fight *not* to be considered by the state in which they live as those kids father. Whether DNA tests prove the BH to be the bio father or not, he's still going to be responsible for child support since he has been the one raising the children. They know him as dad through an intact M into which they were born and no state in the union is going to go against that. Even if the BH is unaware of the A and that the twins might not be his, he won't get out of being their dad legally without spending big $$$$. And I don't think your H can even petition for paternity testing because OW remained and still is married to her BH.
He wants to re-establish contact with them. He has no legal grounds whatsoever for doing so. He doesn't even know if he is the sperm donor. (Sorry to sound so rude, but this is all about his selfish desires. A good father would be leaving these children alone. Not playing mind games with them. He thinks he can do it through her H or her mother so he doesn't have to talk to her. What does her BH think of that? And what grandmother would even consider it? He thinks he can live with only seeing them once in a while and not calling her every day to see how they are doing.
He thinks he will be good for them. I don't see how telling 7 year olds their daddy really isn't their daddy and mommy’s friend from work really is but they aren’t getting married, he’ll just be there for you. Good! you see it for what it is! I doubt all the friends and family will accept this, especially her H family (do you think grandma will like this?)I just mentioned grandma not considering. No grandmother that loves her grandkids would. What do they tell their friends when he comes to their birthday party? I doubt it will strengthen their marriage. Would the A partner and her H getting a divorce help the kids? Is their marriage strong enough to withstand this?I want to speak as BS vs as OC in response to this. As I was reading through your thread, in the back of my BS mind I was thinking, "It sounds like they OW and WH want to use the kids to break up the marriages in order to establish an affairage. I was thinking they want to be get D'd from you BS's and set up house together.
So, will shaking up their world help these kids? I don't know. If they were in a difficult family, there were drugs, single parent, any difficult situation it would be different. But there isn’t; they are happy healthy well adjusted kids as far as I can tell. If they weren't 7 and know they have a daddy it would be different. If we had known when they were babies it would be easier. So you and OW BH were unaware of the A when the twins were born? My bad for not reading your other thread. But the rules still apply just the same. Your WH was content to let another man raise the children who might be his. So was the OW content to deceive her BH. The BS's and children are collateral damage in all this. So sad.
There is no way he can go on seeing them without telling them as they will figure it out anyway. No one else has mommy’s friend from work hanging out with them. As soon as our kids know he is seeing her kids they will know because my daughter was taken along to play with the kids and our kids know she is the A partner. No other reason for him to play with those kids now that the A is over...The BH in this needs to know what games your WH is playing with *his* (the BH's) children. The BH should file a restraining order on your WH.imho And I'm speaking as a possible OC who's dad ran off the man who might have been my bio father. I'm glad my dad did so! It protected me. Makes me know my dad loves me. My dad might not be my bio father, but he's my dad!
And our kids, would this be good for them? My son is 15 and entering a very rebellious period anyway. My daughter is 12 and loves everyone so I think she'll be ok as long as we stay together. They know about the A and have accepted that we are working it out and are trying to stay together. One benefit bringing it out would have is they would understand why it is so hard for me to get over this. (It never seems to be over!)With LTA's there are so many difficult dynamics. I can't speak for your relationship with your WH. But, omg, children are children. Your WH and his AP seem to be in such a fantasyland fog that their own kids are fodder under their feet. Honestly, your kids have one parent....that's you. You are the only one who is considering their best interests. With the twins, the BH is their only parent. He is the only one in their home who has their best interests in mind. Please take your children to a good counselor and let them know what is happening.
He says he is committed to working on our marriage and I can assure you there have been some very tough times since I found out where I have thrown him out and been very angry and hateful but he has stuck with me. But he thinks he will only be happy if he can parent those kids too. But truly don’t trust them together. It’s not like a divorce where parents have chosen to split, they were made to split. I don’t think their desire is as intense, but I don’t think it will ever go away…
Is risking our marriage worth it for my kids? You don't have a marriage in the true sense of the word (speaking as a BS) Your WH is the one who has put the M into a garbage bag. He's taken it out to the can. now he's walking the can down to the curb so the garbage men can come pick it up and throw it away.
I just don’t know I can trust him around her EVER and I don’t think I can live knowing he is still in contact with her- even if it really is "just about the kids" this time (I can barely type that without an anxiety attack.) Remember he told me it was “all about the kids” when he was secretly exchanging very intense, lustful, sexual text messages with her (and yes having sex still too-just not as often once I found out.) You can't trust him. He's already proven that with his actions.
They have had no contact for 3 months except for one text he sent her. But it wasn’t about the kids, it was “Love you” to her. I am told she didn’t respond…. No contact is no contact. There's no such thing as almost no contact.
I understand he should be a responsible parent. But what is that in this case?You know he should be a responsible parent. Again, his actions prove he cares less about all of the kids involved. (speaking as possible OC) We also don’t know if she will allow it now anyway, but I don’t want to have him call her and ask and he has respected this. Is upsetting the world of 4 (actually 5 –her other child too) being a responsible parent?Why does she get to allow anything? Why do you let him dictate what will or will not be in your M? What do you want from this point forward in order for WH to remain married to you? You get to decide what you want and set the expectations. If he is remorseful and wants the M, he will accept and abide by your guidelines for reconciliation. Anything less from him and he's just giving you lip service. Anything less, and you don't have an true M, rather one that is just a certificate saying your'e H and W.
I know in an infidelity support group, our experiences will bias our opinions. But what should I do? Protect yourself and your children from your WH. We are working on our marriage and we both see that we need to do that before adding this additional stress. This web site and a few others plus MC and IC all help. Today I know our marriage could not withstand the stress of him seeing the twins and he agrees. We are working through the affair recovery suggested. But there is this underlying stress all the time. If he is committed to me and I can’t live with him seeing the twins, and he can’t live without it, will he always resent me? Don't let his foggy ways drag you into the fog. Keep your bearings. First, he doesn't have proof the twins are his. Secondly, he has no legal ramifications to determine whether or not they are his. If he was truly working on his M and himself, he would acknowledge that he made bad choices. He would acknowledge that his bad choices 1)hurt his wife and children immensely, 2)may have created children outside of his intact family unit, 3) that by possibly siring children that were born into another marital unit, he gives up all recourse to those kids, even the ability to know whether they are truly from his DNA. Any resentment he has should be directed toward himself only for the pain he's inflicted. He made these choices and he gets to deal with the consequences. If he resents the consequences then he's not remorseful. He's a cake-eating cheat instead. Is it bad to see them? Good to see them? Am I being selfish? Please get the book Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend. They even have one written for M. You're not selfish. In fact, you're giving to much. You get to decide what you want in order to remain in the M. If that means he never lays eyes on those kids again, so be it. It doesn't make you selfish to have such expectations. But it does make him an even bigger selfish jerk if he expects to remain married and be able to pull this crap.Is he being selfish? Why rock the world of 4 kids un-necessarily? Arrggg! My head just spins!
Help please???
Remember, no matter what you decide, you're not the one "rocking" the kids world. It the two selfish wayward adults who are doing the devastation.
There are so many options. Maybe you should go NC (super dark Plan B)with your WH and file for S or D. Only communicate with him about COM and finances (use email...no phone calls so he can twist things). Even better, if you can get a third party to act as a mediator between you and him with the kids.
That way he knows you mean business when it comes to what you will tolerate and not tolerate in your dealings with him..
I would suggest contacting an atty about your rights. You're WH is very foggy and it doesn't look like anything short of a major jolt will knock him out of it. Again, protect yourself and the kids.
RareMamaJewel, EXCELLENT post! Sometimes the truth hurts, but better to be in this mess with eyes wide open.
Per the twins, I agree w. RMJ--they are better off with the father who knows and loves them, regardless of DNA! Your H and OW actions (playground visits, making them say "love" to Mommy's work friend?! sneaking behind acting father's back!!) are DESPICABLE and confusing for children! Young kids need SECURITY, stability, love. Your H and OW are not providing that--her H is.
PushPull, what evidence do you have that your H is ready for change (giving up the A)? Everything in your post points to the opposite.
My story: H talked me into staying in the marriage... we moved long distance and didn't see OC until he got military orders back to OC's town 6 YEARS later. We got visitation (despite the lack of previous contact)... and 3 years later he ran off w. another OW. I found out he had multiple OtherWomen... more than I will ever know!! I have more contact with OC than he does (before, during, and after he ran off!), because COM and OC have close bonds.
Some people don't care who they hurt; your H sounds like one of them.
PROTECT YOURSELF and your kids. He isn't going to do it.
So sorry. Huuugs,
J
NC is a must until DNA test is done. Demand this, expect this from your WH.
Does the OWH know that he is not the dad?
Does the OWH know that his WW cheated?
Awesome post RareMamaJewel!!!
Listen to what she said PushPull
Fled
You are all right. I thank you. This is so hard because what he wants messes with my head so much. I know that it is not right for them to tell 7 year olds to tell "mommy's friend from work" you love him and not their daddy of 7 years. I think the A partner's H knows he isn't the father, at least that is how it is explained to me. My WH says his A partner hasn't had sex with her H for 8 years so he knows he can't be the father. I don't believe that. Anyone who does is really gullible (yes my WH). I guess they told him he was the F shortly after I found out about the A. I think at that time she was trying to get rid of her H to make room for my WH and told her BH all the details he had missed out on.
I don't know what the H of the A partner thinks. I don't know how to contact him.
There was another set of texts between them last week. I was upset becasue the deal was he should let me know not hide from me. He didn't confess to me and lied about it. Eventually he did admit he had a lapse and knew it was wrong and quit.
I made him send her a text while I watched telling her no more communication, focus on her M and make a good family for her kids with her H and he would do the same with me. No response from her yet. I don't know if that is true but we will see. I told him he needed to do the text right there in front of me and send it because if he waited until the next day it wouldn't happen and it would show me he was trying to keep his options open with her above his comitment to me. He considered it for a moment, then did it almost exactly as I asked.
We are trying to change our communication patterns. He is very closed emotionally. She was an excape and a fun, exciting thing to take him away from the real world. He has given up his long time friends for her companionship. He will need to find new friends other than her. I hope he can...
Thinking the OWH knows that your WH had an affair and knocked her up is not the same as the OWH actually knowing.
Being the affair is on going. That the OW is claiming your WH is the dad it's time you expose the OWH. This will bring the OWH into action for him to hild his WW accountable and end her affair and help you to get a DNA paternity test down.
You need NC to end this affair. Expose today. This affair has been going on for years because you have not taken the most important step to end it. Expose them to OWH, WH's parents and his siblings.
Thinking the OWH knows that your WH had an affair and knocked her up is not the same as the OWH actually knowing.
Being the affair is on going. That the OW is claiming your WH is the dad it's time you expose the OWH. This will bring the OWH into action for him to hild his WW accountable and end her affair and help you to get a DNA paternity test down.
You need NC to end this affair. Expose today. This affair has been going on for years because you have not taken the most important step to end it. Expose them to OWH, WH's parents and his siblings.
Thank you TR.
This is exactly what needs to happen BEFORE any other step is made.
(those poor kids)
Why does he still have a phone number she can reach him at? The day my H decided to stay, I gave him one choice, stay and NC forever, or leave. We traded cell phones for the next month. She called me twice and hung up. Then she called him at work. He reported home immediately. Hung up on her and called me then and there. Didn't wait until I got home. Full disclosure, 100% transparency.
They are still engaged in the A. They are both liars and you cannot believe that the OWH knows anything from your H. GEt his name and google his number. Make C and exposure with OWH. It will require action from both sides to stop these two waywards.
Fled
PushPull,
Again DNA needs to be done so people can move forward, one possible positive outcome is that OWH is proven the father and he can kick out OW and raise the children in a sane environment without OW who is addicted to your H. You need to speak with OWH!
Also those OC know something is up, the beans have been spilled on a sub-concious level at least.
My biological father it seems had another OC that was a co-worker of mine, and she dosen't "know". One day she said to me that "you remind me of my Father". So I think we know more than we know we know and our brains work on levels not magical, but not completely understood either.
I face the dilemma of raising/not raising this issue with my half-sister who remains unaware of the possible connection. She shares the same eyes with myself and my father.
God Bless
NJ
Push/Pull:
My mother believes I am an OC, and believes my younger siblings are too - no DNA ever done. She was involved in a 9 year affair; he died of a heart attack two days after she broke it off.
So I'm going to give you the OC POV.
I have a dad. I don't need or want OMM to be my dad. My dad is NOT a great dad but he is an honorable man who worked hard to provide for his family.
I found out when I was in my 20s. I was nauseous for days, and in a deep deep depression when I found out. I can't imagine what it would have been like had I been only 7 to have my world ripped up - daddy isn't daddy?
How utterly selfish of your husband to blow up their world.
Totally and completely selfish. To rip a lifetime of memories from a child of any age, have them question the love of their parents and this impostor posing as a father now after 7 years? In my case OMM was an impostor - taking my older brothers fishing while my dad slaved to provide for us and didn't have time for recreation. Sneaking Christmas presents to us, stealing from his children of his marriage to do it. They deserved his full attention and support. And they didn't get it.
I hope you get through to him and help him grow up soon because the way he's behaving, he's looking for an excuse to stay in touch with this family - he needs to lose one family or the other. It would be best all around if it was his impostor family that he loses - at least he'd show some maturity in this whole thinking from his little brain behavior.
All the children will end up hating him if he makes the wrong choice - his children of marriage will have been robbed of their rightful father, as will the 7 year old twins - their rightful father is there as he has been for 8 years!
I'm with you, K&A.
My REAL dad is the man who raised my sister and me....TG HE manned up and did right by us, cos who knows how screwy we'd be if'n my daddy had stayed in our lives.
DNA does not a true father make.
KA,
been only 7 to have my world ripped up - daddy isn't daddy?
Then when will it be revealed? Never? I was glad I knew something was up about my parentage from the very beginning, although I didn't know the full truth until my 30's. But the earlier you know the shorter the duration of being decieved.
Had I know earlier I would have met my Mother before she died.
And daddy is not daddy that is a fact, my adoptive father was not my father in all ways, he was never blood to me, and all those photos of relatives and family histories were all frauds to me.
years? In my case OMM was an impostor - taking my older brothers fishing while my dad slaved to provide for us and
If that is all he gave to you he got off lightly and I would recommend suing his estate. Did your father ever know as he was the one paying for someone else's children?
NJ
KA,
been only 7 to have my world ripped up - daddy isn't daddy?
Then when will it be revealed? Never? I was glad I knew something was up about my parentage from the very beginning, although I didn't know the full truth until my 30's. But the earlier you know the shorter the duration of being decieved.
Had I know earlier I would have met my Mother before she died.
And daddy is not daddy that is a fact, my adoptive father was not my father in all ways, he was never blood to me, and all those photos of relatives and family histories were all frauds to me.
Not all of us have romantic ideas of birth parents/sperm donors. Besides. These 7 year old children are NOT ADOPTED. They have a loving father who has turned a blind eye to his wife's waywardness and loves these children as his own and they very well COULD BE HIS OWN. No DNA test has been done - just a romantic addicted ego thinks these kids are his!
years? In my case OMM was an impostor - taking my older brothers fishing while my dad slaved to provide for us and
If that is all he gave to you he got off lightly and I would recommend suing his estate. Did your father ever know as he was the one paying for someone else's children?
NJ
I would not take another dime away from the COM. My father didn't ever know he was paying for someone else's children - and personally, I don't know that he's NOT my father. Just my mom's assumptions that OMM was the sperm donor.
I belong to the man who raised me. Period.
Many times as a child I wished for a different dad, because of his alcoholism and abuse. So had I learned of a sperm donor back then my thinking would have been twisted by neediness rather than a well-developed moral compass. This would have made me even more twisted and needy than I already was!!Children have enough confusion and haven't learned to be governed by anything but feelings of the moment. Some adults never outgrow this and this is what leads to adultery in the first place. It takes a lot more than feelings to live through life in a way that when you get to the end of it you have peace about what transpired upon your walk of life. Those who don't learn this don't get to have peace. They get to have FEELINGS - lots of them and most of them painful. My dad was driven to alcohol by a war and the feelings he couldn't escape any other way - the damage he caused to his wife and children is what he gets to live and die with; now he is going through this process, stone cold sober and suffering in physical agony for many different things related to a lifetime of hard work, self-deprivation and alcohol. This is not a peaceful end to a life well lived. Just mostly well-lived for he is an honorable man and for the most part (with the exception of the alcohol and violence during my childhood) acted with integrity and honor.
I have no kind thoughts toward OMM for what he did to my father. He might have been in pain over his own life and marriage; but his choice to get involved with my mother didn't make that pain go away; instead it deepened it. For himself; his wife, and his COM. And he spread it to another family too.
My mom saw him as her ticket out of her pain. And it only made it worse. For herself; her husband and her COM. And she stole from OMM's children and wife by doing it.
OMM is nothing to me. His family is impoverished and has been most of their lives; his oldest is addicted to drugs; the second - my age and my best friend thru 6 years of school (before I found out about the affair) will never have children for a number of reasons, and the youngest who never knew his father because his father died before he was three is the most adapted. Had he lived and was living now, he would know clearly that he is NOTHING to me - and to butt out of my life and the lives of my sibs.
KaylaAndy,
Very good posts! I totally agree that the most important father is the one that loves you, raises you, and works his [censored] off to provide for you. My FWH is that for my DS 20 his stepson. That is why we are complete NC with OW and OC in our sitch.
By the way, you addressed your first response to me when I think you meant for it to go to PushPull.
Fled
I have spent the last six months fixing this and I thought I would update everyone. He never stipped contacting her despite swearing to me (in front of the marriage counselor as well as to me) that there were "no more emails, no more texts, no more phone calls". Of course that was a flat out LIE.
So after warning him I did not have it in me any more
to put up with more lies, he did it again. Said there was no contact but got caught texting and calling her using yet another phone. I gave up. I am divorcing him. I am happeir than I have been in years. The last straw was in September. He of course wants "one more chance"! I gave him a year of "one more chances".
So, once a liar, always a liar.
And guess what? Now that he can spend as much time with her and her children he finds he doesn't really want to be with her! They have nothing in common other than sex. No hobbies, no interests... Different child rearing beliefs... Completely different cultures, religions- everything. It's sad really. He finally figured out that she wasn't the woman of his dreams.
He of course wants me back but he never learned until I finally said enough is enough....
You were all right.
I will check in and help out here. And I am happy and my kids are sooo much happier. My son started failing school, minor leagal and drug problems, all fo which are better since the cheater moved out.
And going forwar I am going to live my life and structure my relationships using MB. I will only be with someone who would treat me the right way. I have learned so much from all this. And my BS detector is so attuned now!
I gave up. I am divorcing him. I am happier than I have been in years. The last straw was in September. He of course wants "one more chance"! I gave him a year of "one more chances".
Only you know when it's time. I applaud you for your efforts and am thrilled that you are very happy!!! Sounds like your family has suffered enough that the Karma bus has come around for him. BEST WISHES to you and all your future endeavours. Keep us posted.
I gave up. I am divorcing him. I am happier than I have been in years. The last straw was in September. He of course wants "one more chance"! I gave him a year of "one more chances".
Only you know when it's time. I applaud you for your efforts and am thrilled that you are very happy!!! Sounds like your family has suffered enough that the Karma bus has come around for him. BEST WISHES to you and all your future endeavours. Keep us posted.
Amen! Get very well versed in MB philosophies so once you are healed (at least 2 years post D) you will choose wisely.
PushPull,
I was reading along on your thread all along. I had soooo much to tell you, but you would not have liked to hear it. Plus, the folks posting to you were giving you information I do/did not have and a perspective that was really relavent to you and your situation.
I am so glad to read your update. I am not glad it came to that, but frankly it was the only conclusion it could come to. Your H was lying all along. Your H doesn't even know if he is the sperm donor for OW's children. Your H had no problem meddling in another man's family. He had no conscience concerning what he what he did and was doing.
In my mind your only option all along was to leave. I am glad that it is positively affecting your family for the drama to be out of the house. I suspect he will find that he lost his "real" children and he was and will never be the father to OW's children that he thinks assuming he ever really wanted to be a father in the truest sense.
I am also glad that MB has positively helped you. Please go forward with your life with a renewed sense of adventure and love of life. I wish only the best for you and your family.
God Bless,
JL
Pushpull,
Thank you for the update. I am glad to hear the strength in your post. You will do well and your COM will be better for having honesty and truth and morals leading their lives. Continue to update us as you continue your path to healing!
Fled
Well, I haven't checked this one for a while but did check my other thread.
The WH continued to contact her throughout the 6 months we were supposed to be NC. Was caught several times and said he "fell of the wagon" or some such. Finally he did it the last time. THat was September and I divorced him. It was final early this month.
I learned he was unable to tell me the truth about even the most innocent thing, not even related to the A. He was so used to lying to me it was second nature. Our finances are a mess and I was stuck with a huge debt. But it is worth it to be free of him.
He has had free access to her and has found she is a manipulative drama queen who lies to him for no apparent reason and is trying to get information about me for some unknown reason even though I couldn't care less about her or my ex.
I am better off, my kids are happier. My home is quieter and more stable. He is sad and pathetic. He says he lost everything. Yes he did but it wasn't like I didn't try for a year.
Good for you, pushpull! You know why OW is looking for information on you? Because adulterers thrive on drama and without you as the 3rd person in the triangle they only have each others drama!
Pushpull,
I am sorry for what you lost (on dday). You now have the chance to move forward and rebuild your life. You have the abilities to succeed and stand on your own and watch your children thrive. They know that you have values and will provide them the stability they need. Thanks for letting us know, best wishes
and remember we are still here if you need to vent.
Fled
You guys were really helpful to me. This is so weird. Who would ever think they would find their husband with an apartment and 7 year old twins!!! Life just doesn't prepare most people for that.
He is showing his true colors. It is pathetic to watch, really. But I am happier and stronger. I just wanted to belive... I'll keep you posted..
Thanks again!!!