I read a post a few weeks ago where some one was going through the difficult time of explaining to her daughter the reality of her paternity. I believe this child was conceived from an affair and I wanted to see how you told her, what happened and maybe seek some advise for my own child for the future.<P>When my H & I talk of this child that I will be having next spring, we talk and wonder what would be best for the child, when he/she get's older to tell about the fact that "dad" isn't the genetic father. But, do we need or should we go farther with it? Wondering what experiences anyone has had to date, or any advise.<P>thanks & God bless,<P>Positive Outlook<BR>(formally slothwoman)

Positive:<P>Glad you changed your name.<P>First of all, who is the father of your child? Was the child conceived from an affair and you are the Betrayer? If so, is your husband staying by your side and are you working on your marriage?<P>Most of us here are Betrayed Spouses who are dealing with the fallout from our husbands having a child with the OW, so not too many here would be able to give you advise on your questions, except perhaps from "K", as he is raising his wife's child, as his own, from her affair.<P>Let us know some of the particulars and maybe someone will have some advice for you.<P>Catnip =^^=

Catnip,<P>Thanks for your reply. Yes, the child that I am carrying is from an affair that I had, we think. The chances that it is my H's is between slim and none. It would be very unlikely. He had a vasectomy reversal as we were trying to get preganant about 2 years ago. His sperm count has never been there. We may do a DNA later. I told him that it was up to him if he wants to I will, if not, we won't.<P>I've been talking with JL & K a few weeks back, if you want to see the particulars on the whole issue, go there, it was under "now what" by slothwoman. I did get a couple of words of wisdom from you even! I really appreciated it.<P>Yes, my H is standing by me with a lot of tears, heartache, pain, etc that I have caused him. We are going to a counselor and working towards a solid marriage again. We both love each other vey much and are certain that we can get to a point in our marriage again where trust and happiness are strong pieces. I encouraged my H to read these posts and he did for a couple of day's. I thought he might even write to K and get a little insight direct, but he hasn't done that yet. We've been gone for the past week.<P>Through counseling and the info that I printed off of Dr. Harley's segments on Love Busters, and the Emotional Needs sheets we have done a lot of work together the past month to try and determine why I did what I did, what was in need of repair in our marriage, etc. We have gotten to and through that and now are in the re-building stages, beginning with spending time together again and the "total honesty policy" in practice. I know it will take a long time to get the trust back from him that he used to have for me. <P>What my H & I were discussing last night was how or what to tell this child about 18 years from now. Both of us think that at that time it may be good, or best (??) to tell him/her that my H isn't their biological father. I know basically little to nothing of the man I slept with once and couldnt' contact him if I wanted to. So telling the child who the biological father is, really won't be an option. My H & I had talked in the past of artifical insemination and we've thought that perhaps that would be best to tell the child. I really don't like the idea of telling the child something that isn't the truth, however, if we explain that I had an affair, would that only hurt the child worse?? That is why I wanted to talk with the woman I know went throught this similar situation recently. I wanted to get some input from her.<P>Thanks & God bless,<P>Positive Outlook

Positive:<P>We haven't crossed this bridge yet, and probably won't for another 10 years or so (our "OC" is not quite 2). <P>I wouldn't lie about this at all. I would be straight, and discuss the affair. And the work you've since done on the marriage (it'd be nearly 20 years if you're telling him when he's 18). It's not a "bad example" at all; in fact, it's a terrific demonstration on how someone can make a mistake, and turn around and correct it. It demonstrates how marriages should work---how the "for better or worse" isn't just a phrase. It's demonstrates love and forgiveness. How important he (or she) is to the both of you.<P>But whatever you decide to do, you've got plenty of time to ponder it. And don't forget, do this together, using the Policy of Joint Agreement to guide you. But I wouldn't sweat it right now---you've got to worry about cribs, diapers, and lots of other things right now!

slothwoman,<BR>K is right, as always, but I can see where even now you'd wonder how to handle it. We got WONDERFUL advice from a counselor who has handled several situations of the H impreganting another woman, but he didn't mention your situation.<P>I think it would be best to get a professional opinion about that from someone with some experience in that area; you might check around. Vaughn-Vaughn.com might have something. I think it would be a huge shock to the child to hear it suddenly at 18 or (?), but I also respect your wanting to give the child a normal life. I wouldn't lie about it. You can present the positives of you and your H's recovery from adultery when s/he's older, like teen. However, you might get clues as to how to handle it by reading how people handle it when they have a child by artificial insemination; probably gradually introduce the idea along with normal birds and bees stuff... eggs and seeds, etc. Nowadays there are kids books about alternative family-type stuff: adoption, a.i., surrogates, divorce, whatever.<P>Hope that helps. <BR>Congradulations on your recovery! <BR>Jenny

Ummm...I'm sorry...did I miss something??! YOU'RE the one who had the affair and got pregnant and YOU'RE here? Well, I salute your husband. He sounds like a very strong, loving and FORGIVING man. Hope you realize what you ALMOST lost. It takes a lot of love to stand by and raise another man/woman's baby.

Yes, I am the one who is here. To try and talk, share and maybe get insight as to what I can do to try and repair our marriage. I admit my mistakes and am doing everything I can to work towards a strong and healthy marriage once again. <P>I wasn't aware that my writing on this thread was against the rules. I'm sorry that I offended you.<P>And, yes, my husband has been very forgiving, although he has told me and I completely understand that it will take a lot of time to repair the situation and build trust once again. <P>Sorry if you cannot see that I was trying to gain insight from this sight.<P>Positive Outlook

Positive Outlook,<P>If you don't feel comfortable here, you can post in the "Recovery" section or in the "General Questions" section. K, Beerman2, and other men who are raising OM's child post in those sections as well.<P>It would seem that this section isn't as friendly as it should be. Sometimes people forget, that those who make mistakes do try and recover from them and for many OC's there is an H and pregnant W trying to deal with what happened.<P>So if you would rather, post over there. We'll find you. <P>God Bless,<P>JL

...<p>[This message has been edited by Beerman2 (edited September 13, 2000).]

JL,<P>Thanks so much for your kind words of wisdom! You seem to always have them and I want you to know that you are an inspiration and my new "Positive Outlook" has been helped along by you guys here in this section.<P>If it is more appropriate for me to be in the recovery section, I'll gladly post there.<P>THanks again & God Bless (by the way, my H & I have now been to two church groups in the past week and hope to find a church body that we can feel a part of so we can become members soon. thanks again.)<P>Positive Outlook!!!

Postive Outlook,<P>It is up to you where you want to post. Depends on the level of activity you desire. Some of the other forums here have more activity and some less. The idea is for you to get as much help as you need.<P>I see Beerman2 found you. I hope you can give him some help.<P>God Bless,<P>JL

Hey Beerman,<P>How are you doing? Did you go see the lawyer and find out your options? I hope so.<P>What have you decided to do with regard to all of this stuff?<P>Look forward to hearing from you.<P>God Bless,<P>JL

Positive Outlook:<P>I'd second JL's response, and give a STERN WARNING to Comfort41 and remind her of the "use" policy of the MarriageBuilder's BBs. As you'll see by the Forum Title here, this is a Forum especially dedicated to dealing with Pregnancy or a Child from an affair. There is no "exclusionary" list of participants who can post here: all are welcome. That includes Comfort41 and others, whose husband's have fathered children with OWs. It also includes the likes of you (and my wife) who became pregnant during an an affair. And me, Paul Moyer and your husband---who are dealing with raising an OC. Heck---we even let JL hang out, just because he's a good egg. <P>This forum is not specifically an area for betrayed wife's dealing with OC's to sit and *****---in fact, if it ends up that way, it'll be to the detriment of this board. This place is to ask questions, to offer support, and to attempt to apply MarriageBuilder principles to restoring marriages. Sniping isn't encouraged, nor will it be tolerated.

I concur with K...everyone is welcome here, there are no rules or criteria for posting on this particular site and no one is to be ostricized under any circumstances.<P>Positive Outlook...you must stay and post here as well. We need your help, you need ours and the men here who are raising OC's as their own can offer you and your husband sound advice and support.<P>Comfort: Everyone welcomed. If we accept Duranie and others like her, we accept Positive and me and you and can learn a great deal from one another.<P>Blessings<P>catnip =^^=

Catnip, K, <P>Thanks, you do make me feel welcome. I've heeded much advise from these posts over the past month and appreciate that you are here!<P>Comfort: I'm so sorry about your situation, I read your previous post earlier this week and know that even though I'm not in your situation, you must be going through a tremendous about of pain and difficulty.<P>It really sounded like over the past few years you and your H had worked things out. I only hope that my H & I can do the same. I do know that it sounds like you have a very hard road ahead of you. I know that we do too.<P>Please know that my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.<P>Positive Outlook

K,<P>I know about the use policy, thank you! I was simply speaking my mind. I didn't realize that that was against the rules. I didn't use any profanity, etc. I simply said what was on my mind. I don't need a STERN WARNING from you like I'm some kid. This is a good forum and I'm glad I found it. But I think we all have a right to express the way we feel CENSORSHIP (except for profanity or vulger language). So whatever...I still stand by what I said.<P>Comfort41<P>

Ok, I'm gonna try this one more time, I posted earlier, but I don't see it. <P>K: First of all I was simply speaking my mind. I'm won't apologize for that. Second, I don't need a STERN WARNING from you or anyone else. I'm an adult. I did not tell Positive Outlook to post anywhere else. I was surprised she posted here and I said it. I also commended her husband on his strength. I wasn't offended...I was surprised. There's a difference. I never used profanity or derogatory comments. I said what I felt and I stand by it. If that gets me "kicked" out of here, then so be it...whatever. With the exception of using profanity or blatant insults, CENSORSHIP should NOT be a part of this forum, and if it is, then I don't belong here. You can take your smug STERN WARNING and give it to someone else who cares. <P>Catnip: Thanks for your previous posts to me and the support you offered. I'll remember it. Good luck and God Bless you and your marriage. I'm gonna keep praying and working on mine.

Dear Positive Outlook,<BR> PLEASE ignore the flamer(s). I am very interested in your postings and I also think this is the right board for them. Your situation is about the most similar to mine (ours) that I've read. So please don't let some fool with an attitude run you off!<P> Wow! Your question (what and when to tell child) is my biggest question too. I have decided to stay with my wife and be a GREAT dad. But the "when to tell" is gonna be hanging over our heads for a long time....the "what" is easy....it's gonna be the truth. It's the "when" that's the kicker. I'm thinking like you....maybe around 18? When I was a kid, my best bud was adopted and other kids razzed the heck out of him about it. It hurt him a lot. Can you imagine the "news" about our kids getting out while they are small. Not me! Oh well...like K said....we got a long time to figure it out.<P> While I'm not likely to ever have any advice or answers for you, your thoughts and comments will give me invaluable insight into what my wife is going through and how I can be a help to her. We're in this for the long haul. Please keep posting lady!<P>All the best to you,<BR>Lou

Positive Outlook,<P>Don't you dare go away! I think that Comfort was misunderstood. She is new to this board and since she has been hearing so much about the "deceived wife" side of the story, I think she innocently believed that was the only story being told here.<P>I love to hear things from a different perspective -- helps you fine tune your own. So, we'll move over and make room because, as they say, misery loves company.<P>- Heavenly

It has been ages since I've visited this place.<P>Anyway, can we please get back to the main topic and quit this bickering.<P>I apologize now for the brevity of this reply, and I also apologize for the fact that you will very likely not hear much back from me again. But, I'm swamped with a 2 year-old all day, and a night time teaching position.<P>In short, I'm a W who had an affair and had a child by OM. Both H and OM know the whole story and H is staying with me. BTW, I'm very upset to see my profile is deleted as I lack the time to give you the full story. But you can read my old posts under "read only posts." <P>Anyway, OM and I had a year long affair, then I got pregnant, didn't tell him and broke things off. He moved far away, the affair continued but I hid the pregnancy. When the baby was nearly one year old, I told OM (H already knew). About a year after I told OM about the baby, he moved to my area to have a relationship with our son. So I have no choice but to inform my son of the real truth. Nevertheless, if OM was not here I would have told S the truth from the get-go. This is the conclusion I came to after listening to my pastor, a child psychologist, an adoption specialist, and my own heart. The truth is that our son has two different kinds of daddies who both love him very much. <P>I learned something very valuable from telling the truth and that is that God can do more with the truth than I can ever do with a lie.<P>As it is, my son and the OM see one another very often and they love each other very much. OM and I have a healthy friendship for my S's sake. H hates OM in the picture and I don't blame him, but after legal proceedings, there was no way around it. It is also rather difficult for me, emotionally, because I was very in love with OM, and I do still battle those emotions. I doubt I'll ever be free of my love for him. But we are not lovers anymore. For my sanity, for my marriage, for my husband, for my son, for my savior, I have to be free from that intimacy (emotionally and physically) with him.<P>I don't know if you are a believer, but I have really seen God at work in my situation. My H is not a believer and refuses to have anything to do with the Lord. OM, on the other hand, is a believer. He tells S about Jesus, sings Christian songs to him, supports and participates in S going to church, and he teaches him to pray (I do these things too). OM and I did a very bad thing by having an affair, and we deal with that every day. But the Lord loves and forgives us. We have a beautiful son who is very loved by 3 parents. I know that "K" and others have different experiences with the OM. I respect his opinions very much. In the end, however, I am very happy that I am living with the truth. My friends and family know and they all love and support me. None were very happy to learn about the affair, but all love me, my H, our son, and they respect me for my honesty. I feel very good about telling the whole truth. Before I told the truth, I was living with the truth and a lie and it was killing me. <P>I know that God loves my son and that he will help us deal with the difficulties that are ahead as S reaches various stages when this is more traumatic for him. But, at least there will never be a time that we have to sit down and tell him that we lied to protect him. We will never have to tell him that there is something missing from who he believes he is. I can't predict how well or how hard he will take this truth about his identity, but I do know that the Lord will give me wisdom. All of this has already turned out much better than I ever thought it would turn out. I am very glad that the truth is known.<P>I wish you luck and I encourage you to trust God's reasoning when he commanded us to tell the truth. He said, "Thou shalt not lie (period)." He didn't say, "Thou shalt not lie, unless it is to protect someone, or unless it may harm you, or unless lots of others tell you it is okay, or unless that lie will make you look bad." He simply said "don't lie." I'm really not trying to get holy on you. I'm the last person in the world who can do that. But this is what my pastor, a man I deeply respect, said to me. I was very convicted. I'm not even giving you advice. I'm just telling you about my experience. (I have to say that last part because people here frequently attack me and say that I have no right to preach. I don't, and I'm not._<P>Good luck,<BR>FC<P><p>[This message has been edited by facing choices (edited September 18, 2000).]

FC,<P>Just wanted to drop a quick, "thanks" for the input. I appreciate it and my prayers are with you and your family.<P>Positive Outlook

FC,<P>It is so good to hear from you. It seems that your life is getting better. I am glad to hear that you are still with your H. From the sounds of things it is a very complicated and difficult situation, but it sounds as if you are making it work.<P>Of course, we could expect you to be in a complicated situation. Do come and post when you get the chance.<P>Postive Outlook,<P>You need to know something. Whatever advice I give you good or bad, it is FC's fault. <P>Her ongoing struggles touched me so deeply that I felt compelled to post here over a year ago. I had been lurking for over 6 months, just learning things. I had no intention of ever posting and really felt I didn't have much to contribute and I may have been right. But I could not get her problems out of my mind and even to this day I wonder how it is going. <P>So it is really her fault that I am still or was ever here to bug people with my opinions. <P>By the way, I believe that FC has one thing wrong. If you go into the archives, and read her postings, you will find that she touched many peoples hearts, as does your story. I do believe she has given you good advice, go read her story. You will learn alot and you will realize that while you don't feel like it right now, you have a much easier situation than she does/did.<P>Having said that last statement, let me hasten to say, that you situation is by no means easy. It is very difficult and complex.<P>God Bless,<P>JL

OOO<BR>OOO<BR>OOO<BR>So much love to you JL!<BR>I'd love to write a big, huge update (maybe even "my story" again if the darn thing would stay on the profile, but it keeps getting deleted), but I hardly have a free moment to breathe. I'm glad you are still here and I very deeply appreciate your loving support and prayers. You are a very bright spot in my day today. You made me feel special.<BR>Thanks JL<BR>You are a gift.<P>

You are more that welcome FC. You really have no idea how many were and still do root for you to find happiness in your life.<P>God Bless,<P>JL

FC:<P>Nice to see you back. How are things between you and your husband? You've made it past your self-imposed deadline, so I'm hoping that things are getting better for the two of you.<P>God bless!

K & JL,<BR>I am doing okay. Not great, but better than I've been in my past, that's for sure. I am very busy and that keeps me from dwelling on life too much. Also very involved in a program called MOPS (Mother's of Preschoolers) at my church. Unfortunately, nothing has changed between H and I. But, I'm here to stay because it is the right thing to do. I have "relative" peace with staying, and no peace with leaving. So I am here and trying to make the best of it. This condition, of our marriage, is why I do not post anymore. I got sick and tired of people telling me I had to do more. The fact is, with all honesty, I did all I could. I haven't given up, but I have burned out. In part I've resigned, in part I'm hanging on with all I have left. The point is, I am hanging on and I feel good about that. The best thing is that the relationship between OM and I has really taken a healthy turn and that is very good for all involved (esp. my son). He has obtained legal paternity. It could have been very ugly, but is has turned out to be very positive for S, so far. And, H and I survived that ordeal. God does have a plan here. <P>Anyway, on the marriage front . . . You know the story, so I can say to you "there is only so much one person can do to save a marriage" and I'm sure it makes sense to you.<P>Thanks for asking, for praying, and for caring.<BR>Warmly,<BR>FC

Positive Outlook,<BR>I just wrote to say I'm jealous. My H was very active in the church until the A, but now just stopped going all together. I miss attending with him.<P><BR>Facing Choices,<BR>Hi! I was just wandering how your H feels about your "healthy relationship" with the OM? The OC in our family also has 3 parents. My H has partial custody. I have to admit that it still bothers me somewhat when H leaves to pick up or drop off OC. If he were to have a relationship with her, it would annoy me. Why is it necessary? I told H I understand he has to be cordial, but I would not understand a friendly ongoing relationship - not at the expense of our marriage. I know you're busy, but if you can find time please explain.