I have an important question....... - Marriage Builders® Forums

My best friend found out in November that her H had been having an affair for 6 months. He wanted nothing to do with reconcilliation, so they seperated and she has since been staying with her parents in a different state. He filed for a divorce a month ago. My friend and I talk on the phone almost daily and I've tried to be a good support to her. I should also mention that her H works with my husband and they were our best "couple friends", the 4 of us spent a lot of time together.First a little more history and then I'll ask my question. My friend has suspected all along that her H's OW may be pregnant...due to his refusal to reconcile and the fact that he's moving so fast towards a divorce. Well, she was right!!! My H and I were at a social gathering a week ago and I met the OW for the first time and they announced that she was 3 months pregnant. Then her H had the nerve to ask us not to say anything to his STBXW! One of the main problems in their marriage was the fact that my friend couldn't have children. They had been seeing a specialist for a year prior to his affair, with little hope of ever concieving. They wanted children desperately! Now on to my question....Should I tell my friend about this??? She has been asking and asking if I have heard anything and I am feeling terribly guilty witholding this info from her. She doesn't even know that we met the OW! I remember when my H had his affair, all I wanted was the TRUTH! If I had known that my best friend knew and didn't tell me, I would have been devastated!!! I'm also worried about how she will handle it emotionally. The affair ripped her heart out....she's only recently returned to work and started eating and sleeping well. She will take this news sooooo hard. I'm just so torn, I don't know what to do. Her H will no doubt be mad at me if I tell her, but that's the least of my worries. I'm more concerned with how she will take it. Any advise on this will help....Thanks.[This message has been edited by Angelface (edited February 08, 2001).]

Dear Angelface, I will just say this: When my h's affair started, several of our "friends" knew about it and for whatever reasons decided not to tell me. We/I am no longer friends with any of them. On the other hand, one of my other friends found out and told me, although by this time I had already learned about it on my own. We are still friends and talk often though we live a couple of hours away. There is nothing worse than being the last to know, especially when your friends didn't even bother to tell you. -cd

Thanks CD...I fully understand what you are saying. I know that I'll have to tell her, but I just worry so much about how she will take it. She went from 105 lbs down to 85 lbs after discovery. She's just recently got to where she can hold down food without throwing up. She's in therapy now and it seems to be helping a little. She wanted a baby sooooo bad....you should see her with my kids! I'm affraid that this is going to send her over the edge! I have worried myself sick over how to tell her. Do you have any suggestions as to how I should present this to her? Thanks

Angelface, Do you know your friend's parent's? Maybe you could talk with them first and see what they thought. At least you could find out exactly how to go about it if they thought you should tell her. Is she still living with her parents? I would just make sure that she doesn't have to go through this by herself. Maybe you could give her some of the books you may have read that helped you, or better yet, maybe you could go stay with her for a few days and tell her the first night. That way you could help her keep her mind off of the OC for a little while. I hope you don't care what her H thinks of you, what a jerk..asking you not to tell your friend. If you weren't so concerned about her health, I bet you would have picked up the phone as soon as you got home and told her. I hope he goes into deep depression soon, when he realizes that the circumstances surrounding this OC will not be as joyous as possibly adopting a baby with your friend. God bless you for your concern over your friend. She is fortunate to have you. Floored

Angel, I to would tell her I just dont know how I would do it either. Maybe someone will come along with a good plan. with love flowerseed

Angel:You have a mission. A daunting but necessary mission. You, for some reason, have been chosen to deliver the news to your friend or you would not have this news ahead of anyone else. You probably have been chosen for your compassion for her.Do you know her therapist? Perhaps you could ask her who it is in casual conversation, call the therapist and explain the situation, then accompany her to the therapist and tell her there in his/her presence. This is going to be a terrible, terrible blow. But she MUST know and now.I am one of the people on this forum who is in the same position as your friend. The OW had a child that I cannot have. It is the most devastating thing in the world to want a child with your husband, being the only one entitled in the world to do so, then find out he has impregnanted someone else and she is the one who will give birth to his child. The worst possible thing.But, for some reason, I am one of the lucky ones. My husband chose me over that situation and refuses even the remotest contact and we are over two years into recovery and three months into a perfect recovery.She needs you to tell her and I hope your husband understand the importance of you giving her this information. You must tell him you are going to do this and why. Bring him here to read this thread if you have to just so perhaps he can gain an understanding of the enormity of the situation.Your friend, and you, are in my prayers.Catnip =^^=