Just taking a poll how many have C and how many have N/C. And what do you think are the good/bad of it and would you chose something different if you had it to do over? My concern is my C. and how is it going to effect her in the long run? Is this going to change her as far as her marriage goes? And what kind of person will she see her father as? Or me for that matter. We have 7 mnt to go till OC gets here, so I want to learn as much as poss. from those that have been there and done that. Our C is 11 yr girl. Now she knows that me and H where not together for almost a yr and I guess that would make a difference? She will also figure out that dad was home at xmas by the pictures and OC was conceived in dec also. So I was wondering who did what and what was the out come.
We have no contact.
I think that is better for all involved. The distance from OC is a 2000 miles. We couldn't afford/nor could OW, to send the OC back and forth. For my H to travel there would have taken away from our marriage and our children.
TG
<small>[ March 06, 2004, 10:37 PM: Message edited by: Texasgirl ]</small>
H has NC. OC was adopted in Sept and moved many states away.
Why
No contact, Why should my children be robbed of their childhood. This is an issue for adults to deal with
C on and off, but I wish N/C it hurts too much. Our C are 13,11,6,5, all boys and oc is girl, so they love her and makes me hurt even more.
I was wondering how many did what. Me and H have talked about C and N/C wasn't never considered and I was wondering if I am doing the right thing. For the right reasons. Not just to get back at the OW. I know if it was reversed I don't think I would want the XMM to have contact, just for the fact that the W would be w/ my child. Don't know. I think I get more mixed up by the day. I hear of so many people having N/C than having C. I haven't thought of N/C or expecting my H not to have C. I'm tring to look hard at the effect it will have on our child. She doesn't know and we are not telling her until the test come back and the OC is not due till end 9-04. So I think we need to look at all the area's.
I already know if H & stay together we will have C. If we had a child together I dont' know how I would feel, but being that this is his 1 and only & my son is grown, I would never ask him not to see OC.
I doubt very seriously you would ever put yourself in that situation to be OW pg. w/ MM baby. I personnally don't care if OW doesn't want BW to have C with OC, OW should think about that when they decide to have unprotected sex w/ another woman's H. OW decided to make us step mothers, not that we asked for this title, so I say DEAL WITH IT! If they don't want us to be involved with OC too bad, did we ask them to be invovled w/ our H'S? NO!!!!!
Just my thoughts on the matter. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />
We have no contact with oc.
I feel that my children came first and I was not going to disrupt thier childhood and their lives by embarrassing them with a part time sibling. Nor was I going to allow oc into my home. Sorry. Not my problem. If my husband had wanted contact, he would have had to make a decision. It never came to that. He choose no contact also.
I feel that the children of the marriage, as well as the wife are expected to shoulder a burden when contact is happening. They are expected to accomodate the oc. This is putting the needs of one person above others. Sorry. Don't believe in contact. Everyone takes their piece of the hurt pie and moves on with their lives. Oc included.
I understand the ow concern for the oc and not knowing daddy. However, that is the mess she partly created and she has to explain that to the oc. I would think the reason daddy isn't in oc life would be pretty obvious. Just as the MM has to explain to his children the existance of the oc to his children and how he hurt their mother in the process. EVERYONE owns this. The BW and her BC shouldn't be expected to clean up the mess.
Yes your right "Everybody thinks your a saint" But I think we need to discuss the effects on our child and do we want C. ! I liked the post on Abraham and his OC and what God did in that situation. And feeling like your cleaning up the mess is true. I want to do the right thing, but I need to do the right thing for me and my child. I noticed several people saying talk to an attorney and get our children covered before the OW and OC gets CS. Can you do this w/o filing for a D? We are working thru this and I don't plan on leaving, but what if something changes after the OC get here? Then what do I do? Its sad to say but if the OC is a boy, I really think he is going to want C, but if its a girl, I don't think he will make that much of an issue about it. His dad, g-pa, and all the men are like gotta have a boy thing. (Before the OC issue w/ us and our M ) I didn't want anymore and got my tubes tided. But his dad told him well its wrong but maybe you will have your boy? That hurt my feelings! I guess that is a man thing. I just don't know. And no I would never put myself in the OW place. I have morals. We don't have to make up our minds now, but the attorney is going to know what we plan to do. I'm sooo confused!! I think I try to make everyone happy and not dewelling on what will make me happy.
Sunny, OC was born in January and H chose NC early on. He is firm in this and the day he declared this I felt as though at least 1/2 of the burden on my shoulders was lifted. At least this made me know I could reconcile because the alternative w/OC in our lives, I knew would be the straw that broke me at this point.
Not until this week did I decide that I would allow myself to feel comfortable with the following:
Our kids are teen and pre-teen age. They are insecure right now and they know how shaky things are. They were torn apart also during the A and our separation. They are now just beginning to feel comfortable again and losing the negative feelings towards H for obviously hurting me. Not to mention little me, who was not considered before. I think its time for me to stop feeling I am hurting the child by agreeing with NC and realize what so many people have helped me to realize-- that is, that my children and me are just another casualty of this terrible ordeal. Out of sin comes destruction and part of the ripple effect will be OC will be raised by her mother and our kids by me....
OW can see H as bad and horrid, but she did not feel that way when he was destroying my children's lives (for a spell) or mine for sure. There are stiff consequences for us in the pain to our marriage, H having to live with ME (lol) and child support for 18 years. She has no H to live with to face everyday, or grown children to make things right with. She can handle OC just fine.
It took me a very very long time to feel this way as I have been suffering much guilt about possibly H secretly wanting to see OC.. and it would be my fault if I couldnt deal with it, and all the things we go through as the BW.... but
I AM TAKING MY LIFE BACK!! I will NOT become involved in child support issues or help H with it.. I will NOT think of OC anymore! I cannot, it has been killing me for much too long. Contact for now, or a few years at least, will destroy what little we have re-built so far, which just isnt much. I felt sick to my stomach on frdiay night just seeing the little girl's name in prin when we got the child support papers. I cried all night because it was yet another thing to make this "real".... I don't want this reality living and breathing in my home-- and I don't want to have my kids feel ashamed to friends or have H be a bad roll model at this tender age for the boys or my daughter.
It is not revenge, it is not trying to say screw this child-- no one cared for mine-- its just what you can or cannot take. It truly is as someone said above-- yet another slice of the hurt pie.
Will we ever seek C? Who knows, and maybe Lord willing it will happen someday for the child's sake. Maybe I won't even be with H by then (not negative thinking just the facts).. and it will be H's battle to fight.
Sorry so long everyone, but I am just feeling a little freedom as of this weekend-- free from the OC battle in my head and heart! I HAVE MADE MY DECISION AFTER ALL THIS TIME! H made the decision-- but I decided to live with it and embrace it. The CS papers coming this weekend, well that just confirmed it.
Good luck and everyone here will continue to help you- me included ! I need this place so bad and I'm grateful for everyone here.
<small>[ March 08, 2004, 04:27 PM: Message edited by: giovanna123 ]</small>
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I noticed several people saying talk to an attorney and get our children covered before the OW and OC gets CS. Can you do this w/o filing for a D?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Sunny, from what I hear you can file for a legal separation, then file for child support. That way your C will be consisdered first ask around LynnG and other who may have taken this course of action.GOOD LUCK
We have C. We now have Primary Custody.
Lil Bit is nearly 32 months old. We have had C since she was 5 wks old, but only after the DNA test confirmed she was H's child.
I would not have agreed to C if OW had not had a history of domestic violence and abuse. Her son had been beaten when he was 4 yrs old, OW accused her exBF...
I could not, in good conscience, allow my H's child to be raised by that kind of woman alone.
We fought for custody from the beginning. OW finally gave in and gave H primary custody, on our 10th wedding anniversary. She has no idea what an Anniversary gift she gave us.
Stacia
<small>[ March 09, 2004, 09:20 AM: Message edited by: Stacia_Lee ]</small>
We have contact. I regret it and I believe H does also.
If I could do it over I would care and think about my own children's little hearts and minds BEFORE this OC, who obviously was doing fine without us. I put what I thought was best for OC ahead of everything and everyone and it was WRONG. We are have all suffered from it.
And since OW does not value or respect the role of a father in a child's life, then why did I?
I am firmly AGAINST C and recommend to anyone that will listen to not choose that path.
We haven't even talked about NC w/ OC. H thinks everything is going to be hunky, dorey. I don't think this CRAZY OW is going to just let us p/u this child and not throw a fit. But I also think this was a way for her to be apart of our lives FOREVER. I'm going to have to sit down w/H and really go over C v NC w/ him. From what I have seen NC is better for all involved. As far as I'm concerned she is raising one already that doesn't see his father and the father gave up rights to him, why should we be any different or care? I'm really thinking about filing the seperation papers and getting myself and my child protected. I just don't know how he will react when I hit him w/ these options. I don't wont to leave and am praying about this everyday but I don't know what he is going to do once this child gets here.
I don't think he wants to leave either. I mean I've already told him C w/ fine and I would stand behind him, is it right if I'm changing my mind?
I don't want to be stupid in the end. Trusted him to do the right thing and now we have OC on the way? He's not done anything for me not to trust him since 1-1-04 but I just don't want me and mine not to be covered. Plus I think in her state they can use my salary as CS also? From what I read if he dies then I still have to pay her CS. This we will find out by the end of next week when we go see the attorney in her state. I also got a call yesterday for a job in another state. I'm thinking about taking it. Me and my D can go over there and be away from this mess. (Sounds like I'm ready to run, doesn't it) Our cabin is 3 hours away and thats where the job will be. I will know in 2 wks. I'm really letting my mind take over on the worst case thinking.
You SHOULD be filing the separation papers. Let your H know why this is so important. IT's to protect your daughter. Why would he be mad about that?
Let him know exactly why you want to do that, it secures some financial protection for you and daughter, no reflection on him right? This way your daughter will be protected and her position in the family as the first born will be protected also
If your income would be included in any formula for CS, by all means FILE for legal separation!
What ever you must do to protect your marriage, your child and yourself, should come first.
Stacia
I just don't want him to think I'm giving up on us. Also if OW gets wind of seperation she may think shes getting him back. And start in harder to get him to leave me. We have talked about doing the papers before when we found out she might be able to use my income for her support. Is he still covered on my health insurance ? Plus we don't have to tell anyone anyway. Just let her find out at the CS hearing. More money for the attorney. It will be worth getting me and my D covered. I guess I'm over w. the shock of it and waking up to the reality of what damage she can do to us financially too. She said she only wanted H to pay for daycare and he can see it when ever. BUT she didn't want an attorney involved. NOT!! She said of we got an attorney then she would get all she could. So if I take most of it (my state is better on CS than hers) she wont get much. Got the name of someone in my state that also works in her state, left message. I'm tring to get something set up for next week. But if I need to do mine first then, we will have to get that done first. H just called and hes off for the day and I'm going to take off so maybe we can have time to talk about this. I just don't want him to think I've givin up.
You need to protect assets for the children they were intended for. Oc is not that child. Also, by legally separting, ow can't attach your earnings. It removes $$ from the table and oc will get less, as it should be.
You need to be honest and upfront with your husband as to why you are doing this. Explain the whole child support issue and how you are doing this to protect you and yours.
Does he want contact? Does he think the oc is more important then his current family? If so, then it is even more important that you get to the well first. That way, if you do end up getting divorced, at least you have the biggest chunk of the money, as it should be.
You really need to get the legal things taken care of first, then you really need to have an honest discussion about the reality of this situation. Contact or no contact. What you want vs what he wants. What you expect of him, what he expects of you, etc. Nobody should have to be forced into anything. It all has to be agreed upon by both, or it will not work.
Once again, the oc and ow are not a concern. The only and main concern is you and yours. They are not to enter the thought process, as they don't matter. If he is worried about oc, then he has to be upfront about it so you can make a decision about your life and be there to protect your child and her best wishes.
Stay strong.
H has limited contact with his son. Both him and OW are to busy playing games with each other to care what happens with the child. Most of the time she makes a time for H to see OC and then she backs out without notice.
As for my children with Xmm, he sees them weekly. He has no legal rights to the kids. I let him take them every thursday for a few hours and he stops by to see them a few times a week.
We have no contact with OC. XOW is not a nice person and still wants H. We do not feel that we need to deal with that in our marriage. I feel that contact would be detrimental to our marriage and our family.
I pushed for contact at first, but H has always been against it. He states he feels no connection to her and he also knows XOW well enough to know that she would not make the situation amicable. I do feel that I could deal with seeing the OC, but it was not my decision.
I do feel sad for OC as H is a wonderful father to our daughter, yet I believe deeply that XOW chose this life for her daughter. If she wanted a father for her child, she should have gotten married first. She will have to explain that to OC. I also think that it would be harmful to OC as XOW would likely play mind games using her as well.
Contact or no contact is a very personal decision. It depends heavily on so many different factors. There is no easy answer and the decision can have positive and/or negative effects on both the original family and the OC. Unfortunately for OC, many times, contact is just not possible, as has been shown here so many times.
sunny,,,,,,,, i would like to not ofer advice but rather some food for thought.
1st- you and h need to sit down and have a very serious discussion about all this garbage. you and he need to know just how important c or nc is to him and to you.
if he is the type of person who will want to see this oc but agrees to nc because you don't think you can handle it then your marriage may not last as he will always have a spark of animosity in his heart for being forced into that dicision.
and likewise if you agree to c and it truly isn't in your heart then there will always be resentment on your side.
2nd- you both have to get a good relistic grasp on exactly what kind of person the ow is.
if she is like some of the ow that many of the bs here have dealt with where she is a total b!t*#.
then you must understand that life will never be dull in your house again should you choose c.
on the other hand if she is an ow such as (and forgive me if i have these names out of place) orbatt1, beentheredonethat, momof5 or fullhouse then your life will be more at ease as they will be interested in the welfare of the c and bend over backwards to make visitation easier on all so it will be easier on the child. they understand of the hurt, pain and difficulty of these situations.
off to work but will try and write later as time permits.
I talked to H last night and told him about the seperation idea. He is for it, but doesn't want anyone to know. I assured him that I wasn't giving up on our marriage, but finanually we need to do this. I told him that I didn't think a child he didn't want should have any of our childs belongings or money that is rightly hers!!. We worked for the retirement for us, not OW & OC. The OW is crazy and for 13 years has hated me. She was is first wife. They D and we started seeing each other. Well she thought I was the OW then and has had it end for me ever since. She told me they say each other the whole time we where together and H said no. Just the past couple of years they had been talking and then ended up w/ the A when our M was going down hill and I didn't even want to be around him. So I really don't think C is going to work, but I did tell him at first that we could do this, so I am a person who is going to keep her word. But I will also show the stories in the bible and go over the other options w/ him. Not to change him, only for us to look at the other so we can make sure this is right thing to do. I think after a few times of OW acting like an A** maybe the C will end. I'm calling my attorney to do the seperation papers and get them started and get it done. They will be done by monday. We are still living w/ each other and hopfully this would not give us a door to say ok well were not together anyway so by. I consider seperation still being married and so does he. I feel better that he didn't think I was running away and I'm thinking about the family as a whole. I make just as much as he and she would get a bundle. Don't feel like I am cheating her out of anything!!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> Look what she tried to cheat me out of. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> Man I really don't wish hell on anyone but there has got to be a special place there for people like this that aren't saved and try to distroy others lives and family. Deep down I beleive I have found forgiveness for her, but never forget, and continue to pray for her. But will not be a causalty of this either.
Good for you Sunny, I am so glad that you are getting your ducks in order, starting first w/ you & H being in agreement regarding your plan of action.
I too want to forgive OW, but wish there was a special place in HELL for her, & today isn't soon enough for her to go as far as I am concerned. To top it off, she claims to be saved!!!!! Says she tried to counsel my "H" on what to do to save our marriage before they started having sex. Guess he didn't take her "Holy advice" & figured she would try to do my "ifely duties"for me, & give him the child he so richly deserved.
Don't you stress over her, "Vengence is mine saith the Lord". <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />
She is gonna get hers & my H will too, I told him so. I do still try to pray for them both, especially him cuz he is sooooo lost in the fog!
sunny,,,,,,, it sounds as if you are a very strong woman and that you are loking at this from a sound logical viewpoint.
i would like to share the experiences of our family with you. some here think that i am pro contact. that is not so. it has worked for us but i can see where nc has been the best decision for some here.
for us ir was my w who was the ws therefore if i was to stay in our marriage the oc was going to be part of it as adoption and abortion were not choices for fullhouse.
fh wanted to let the om slip away into the voids of the universe. i however insisted that she apply for cs for many raesons. some being age, health and another being there is no gaurantee that om will stay away forever. and still another being the fact that there would be no hiding the fact that the oc was not mine.
om said all along that if he had to pay he wanted a say in the oc's life so he would want visitation. i didn't know if he would take it or if he did if he would continue with it. he has taken it and is very reliable about picking her up and dropping her off at the scheduled times and places. ther is minimal communication between fh and om. at first she was trying to handle that part but i asked her to let me take care of it and she got tired of om calling her about frivolous stuff. so now she just tells me when he leaves a message and i return his calls if i see fit.
please don't get caught up in the embarassment of your children or the why should we be put out stuff that some have advocated. this is only going to be a factor if YOU are the type of person that displays your anger and pain openly in front of your daughter. she will pick up on your emotions and most likely act very similarly.
in our case there are 10 children involved (our 7 and om's 3). none of them is embarassed of our oc or of their respective wayward parent. they all love grace and look forward to playing with her when she is with them.
although both married couples had our share of anger and tears we both managed to keep the outbursts away from our own children. grace has adjusted very well to her going and coming at visitation times. i don't feel that my c's or me have sacrificed anything by accepting grace into our lives. and would venture ti bet that om's family feels the same way.
the point being that your children will react and accept this depending on YOUR actions in either accepting the oc or not.
again please don't take this as if i am telling you to persue c because that is not so. i am just saying that this is another area where you need to be honest with yourself and your h to make sure all the cards of your heart are on the table. i personally don't think it will work if you go ahead with visitation just because you are trying to honor your word that may have been stated prior to see the whole picture of events that may come your way. it will have to be in YOUR heart.
I at first wanted C, but it just depends on her actions. H said if she doesn't want me around OC then there will be no contact. He's a good daddy and if it's his child, I feel that he has a right to be apart of its life. BUT we are not going to put up w/ OW crap!! She works so hard on hurting me and he's starting seeing it. I think once she gets the papers she is really going to freak. Which she will react the way I told him she will. I know her, even though we don't know each other personally, she always reacts the way I tell him she will. I have a D that is almost 17, she now lives w/ her dad (moved in w/her dad on 10-03) and H has helped me raise her for 13 years. Maybe I feel oblagated, don't know. I really deep down inside feel I could do C but only if OW doesn't act like a clown. Which the OW already made a statement to me that I suck at being a mom, cause I didn't have my d w/ me anymore. But my D is old enough to make that call and I let her. She likes it in a place where she gets to do what she wants. A dicision that I will be judged for and no one else. And I'll take it. I feel it was the wrong choice but I can't change it now. Just another lesson in people lie, and I fell for it. Which I get to go to court on that on 3-17-04. He wants child support now, didn't want it in 10-3 but now he does. After all that I have been through since Oct, and IF I make it to the finish, I'm going to be a really strong person. The Hulk will have nothing on me !! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> LOL. Got to laugh, and smile, really don't have time in my life for a nervous breakdown right now ! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> I'll fit it in some other time.