We have no contact with OC. XOW is not a nice person and still wants H. We do not feel that we need to deal with that in our marriage. I feel that contact would be detrimental to our marriage and our family.

I pushed for contact at first, but H has always been against it. He states he feels no connection to her and he also knows XOW well enough to know that she would not make the situation amicable. I do feel that I could deal with seeing the OC, but it was not my decision.

I do feel sad for OC as H is a wonderful father to our daughter, yet I believe deeply that XOW chose this life for her daughter. If she wanted a father for her child, she should have gotten married first. She will have to explain that to OC. I also think that it would be harmful to OC as XOW would likely play mind games using her as well.

Contact or no contact is a very personal decision. It depends heavily on so many different factors. There is no easy answer and the decision can have positive and/or negative effects on both the original family and the OC. Unfortunately for OC, many times, contact is just not possible, as has been shown here so many times.

sunny,,,,,,,, i would like to not ofer advice but rather some food for thought.

1st- you and h need to sit down and have a very serious discussion about all this garbage. you and he need to know just how important c or nc is to him and to you.

if he is the type of person who will want to see this oc but agrees to nc because you don't think you can handle it then your marriage may not last as he will always have a spark of animosity in his heart for being forced into that dicision.

and likewise if you agree to c and it truly isn't in your heart then there will always be resentment on your side.

2nd- you both have to get a good relistic grasp on exactly what kind of person the ow is.

if she is like some of the ow that many of the bs here have dealt with where she is a total b!t*#.
then you must understand that life will never be dull in your house again should you choose c.

on the other hand if she is an ow such as (and forgive me if i have these names out of place) orbatt1, beentheredonethat, momof5 or fullhouse then your life will be more at ease as they will be interested in the welfare of the c and bend over backwards to make visitation easier on all so it will be easier on the child. they understand of the hurt, pain and difficulty of these situations.

off to work but will try and write later as time permits.

I talked to H last night and told him about the seperation idea. He is for it, but doesn't want anyone to know. I assured him that I wasn't giving up on our marriage, but finanually we need to do this. I told him that I didn't think a child he didn't want should have any of our childs belongings or money that is rightly hers!!. We worked for the retirement for us, not OW & OC. The OW is crazy and for 13 years has hated me. She was is first wife. They D and we started seeing each other. Well she thought I was the OW then and has had it end for me ever since. She told me they say each other the whole time we where together and H said no. Just the past couple of years they had been talking and then ended up w/ the A when our M was going down hill and I didn't even want to be around him. So I really don't think C is going to work, but I did tell him at first that we could do this, so I am a person who is going to keep her word. But I will also show the stories in the bible and go over the other options w/ him. Not to change him, only for us to look at the other so we can make sure this is right thing to do. I think after a few times of OW acting like an A** maybe the C will end. I'm calling my attorney to do the seperation papers and get them started and get it done. They will be done by monday. We are still living w/ each other and hopfully this would not give us a door to say ok well were not together anyway so by. I consider seperation still being married and so does he. I feel better that he didn't think I was running away and I'm thinking about the family as a whole. I make just as much as he and she would get a bundle. Don't feel like I am cheating her out of anything!!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> Look what she tried to cheat me out of. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> Man I really don't wish hell on anyone but there has got to be a special place there for people like this that aren't saved and try to distroy others lives and family. Deep down I beleive I have found forgiveness for her, but never forget, and continue to pray for her. But will not be a causalty of this either.

Good for you Sunny, I am so glad that you are getting your ducks in order, starting first w/ you & H being in agreement regarding your plan of action.

I too want to forgive OW, but wish there was a special place in HELL for her, & today isn't soon enough for her to go as far as I am concerned. To top it off, she claims to be saved!!!!! Says she tried to counsel my "H" on what to do to save our marriage before they started having sex. Guess he didn't take her "Holy advice" & figured she would try to do my "ifely duties"for me, & give him the child he so richly deserved.

Don't you stress over her, "Vengence is mine saith the Lord". <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

She is gonna get hers & my H will too, I told him so. I do still try to pray for them both, especially him cuz he is sooooo lost in the fog!

sunny,,,,,,, it sounds as if you are a very strong woman and that you are loking at this from a sound logical viewpoint.

i would like to share the experiences of our family with you. some here think that i am pro contact. that is not so. it has worked for us but i can see where nc has been the best decision for some here.

for us ir was my w who was the ws therefore if i was to stay in our marriage the oc was going to be part of it as adoption and abortion were not choices for fullhouse.

fh wanted to let the om slip away into the voids of the universe. i however insisted that she apply for cs for many raesons. some being age, health and another being there is no gaurantee that om will stay away forever. and still another being the fact that there would be no hiding the fact that the oc was not mine.

om said all along that if he had to pay he wanted a say in the oc's life so he would want visitation. i didn't know if he would take it or if he did if he would continue with it. he has taken it and is very reliable about picking her up and dropping her off at the scheduled times and places. ther is minimal communication between fh and om. at first she was trying to handle that part but i asked her to let me take care of it and she got tired of om calling her about frivolous stuff. so now she just tells me when he leaves a message and i return his calls if i see fit.

please don't get caught up in the embarassment of your children or the why should we be put out stuff that some have advocated. this is only going to be a factor if YOU are the type of person that displays your anger and pain openly in front of your daughter. she will pick up on your emotions and most likely act very similarly.

in our case there are 10 children involved (our 7 and om's 3). none of them is embarassed of our oc or of their respective wayward parent. they all love grace and look forward to playing with her when she is with them.

although both married couples had our share of anger and tears we both managed to keep the outbursts away from our own children. grace has adjusted very well to her going and coming at visitation times. i don't feel that my c's or me have sacrificed anything by accepting grace into our lives. and would venture ti bet that om's family feels the same way.

the point being that your children will react and accept this depending on YOUR actions in either accepting the oc or not.

again please don't take this as if i am telling you to persue c because that is not so. i am just saying that this is another area where you need to be honest with yourself and your h to make sure all the cards of your heart are on the table. i personally don't think it will work if you go ahead with visitation just because you are trying to honor your word that may have been stated prior to see the whole picture of events that may come your way. it will have to be in YOUR heart.

I at first wanted C, but it just depends on her actions. H said if she doesn't want me around OC then there will be no contact. He's a good daddy and if it's his child, I feel that he has a right to be apart of its life. BUT we are not going to put up w/ OW crap!! She works so hard on hurting me and he's starting seeing it. I think once she gets the papers she is really going to freak. Which she will react the way I told him she will. I know her, even though we don't know each other personally, she always reacts the way I tell him she will. I have a D that is almost 17, she now lives w/ her dad (moved in w/her dad on 10-03) and H has helped me raise her for 13 years. Maybe I feel oblagated, don't know. I really deep down inside feel I could do C but only if OW doesn't act like a clown. Which the OW already made a statement to me that I suck at being a mom, cause I didn't have my d w/ me anymore. But my D is old enough to make that call and I let her. She likes it in a place where she gets to do what she wants. A dicision that I will be judged for and no one else. And I'll take it. I feel it was the wrong choice but I can't change it now. Just another lesson in people lie, and I fell for it. Which I get to go to court on that on 3-17-04. He wants child support now, didn't want it in 10-3 but now he does. After all that I have been through since Oct, and IF I make it to the finish, I'm going to be a really strong person. The Hulk will have nothing on me !! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> LOL. Got to laugh, and smile, really don't have time in my life for a nervous breakdown right now ! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> I'll fit it in some other time.

No Contact for us.