Brutal honesty from OW please - Marriage Builders® Forums

How many of you OW/xOW wanted C in hopes that the A would continue?

Nope, didn't want the affair to continue. I let him have contact out of guilt. I have his only biological children. Xmm took advantage of that and tried to keep the affair going. Kept making passes on me when he was picking up the kids, then started making comments to the kids.

Contact is a thing of the past now. Besides all the things Xmm did to keep things going, it took a toll on my own marriage to have him involved with the kids.

I think there are PLENTY of OW who want the relationship to continue- and then pull out of the idea of contact once they realize the MM is through with the A.

In turn, the MMen in this situation are just as capable of wanting the same thing from xow and use contact to gaslight the BW.

Once I found out he was married, it was over. Then I found out I was pregnant. A part of me felt guilty about my child, but I was too proud to play second to anyone. So, no I did not want contact in the hope of resuming the A. I actually wanted to give my child every opportunity to have his father in his life. After Jonas was born, it was xMM that started calling without his wife's knowledge, on the pretense of checking on his son. The problem with the phone calls was that he would not stick to the topic. He would segway into my personal life (have I met anyone? do I miss him? would I like him to move back? etc.). I was uncomfortable with the line of questioning and would try to "nicely" re-direct him. I would counter with questions about his wife and how she would feel about this or about that. He would respond with things like: That's HER problem, She'll get over it, or This isn't about what SHE wants. I finally got tired of it and blew the whistle on him. I sang like a canary to his wife. He walked in during the "talk". All I heard her say to him was "SIT YOUR A$$ DOWN!!". I wished her luck and said my good-bye. For a good year after that, all communication was with her. He laid low, and W and I actually got along fairly well. Little by little, he became more of an active participant, but he behaves himself very well. I think he learned his lesson....I hope.

Well, I can't speak from my own experience, being what it was, but I've been around a long time and am quite close with a lot of OWs w/OC...

I know a VERY few (maybe two or three) who wanted the relationship to continue, but I never saw them use contact as a means to do it. In those cases, the MM wanted things to continue too. Essentially, they just snuck around behind the BWs back after she thought the relationship was over. I also know of quite a few situations where the MM led the BW to believe there was NC, but saw the child behind her back. Those situations usually don't go on more than a year or two though.

In large majority, the OW goes through a period of time, especially early on, when she may feel her child could potentially suffer emotionally if there is NC, but honestly almost all of them get over it and ultimately are glad they have NC.

The majority of the behavior they see after DDay on the part of the MM turns them off to the point that they want him ffaaaarrrrr away from their child.

AND the behavior of the ow makes MM and his family ill with what type of person she truly is and that is why THEY chose no contact with oc.

Simple thing really, just as the ow call XMM an *** dad, and think terrible thoughts, the same is for the XMM and his wife and family.

Two sides again.

[ February 10, 2005, 02:55 PM: Message edited by: Justuss ]

No, I did not have a child in hopes of continuing the affair. The affair had not ended But I foolishly believed him when he told me he had a vasectomy, after all it had been so many years. I guess that and he was 20 years older, I just figured I wouldnt get pregnant. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> This is where that cute little hammer hitting my head would help!

But I also dont think he is a bad dad, He loves our little girl and while, I dont think he handles everything in the best manner , he and I co parent at an amazing level of cooperation.
and I dont know where the comment of *** Dad comes from, but OM and I would never belittle each other for the simple fact, we are her parents and we both love her and want the best for her. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

[ February 10, 2005, 02:57 PM: Message edited by: Justuss ]

One more thing, While I am sure this doesnt apply to all, Dont you think the magnitude of having a baby is so HUGE, that Most would not do it on purpose? There are a lot of life changing events that occur having a baby, merely to continue an affair!

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Originally posted by Michele Hall:
 Brutal honesty from OW - How many of you OW/xOW wanted C in hopes that the A would continue?
<hr /></blockquote>Yes, I would. It would be secondary to the goal of establishing a father-child bond, but I would indeed want more than a parent-to-parent relationship (if he were no longer married).

(*****Edited ******.)

[ February 10, 2005, 06:34 PM: Message edited by: Justuss ]

<blockquote>quote:<hr /> How many of you OW/xOW wanted C in hopes that the A would continue? <hr /></blockquote>Meaning... if he WANTED C.. but NO RELATIONSHIP, would you ONLY agree to C in hopes of continuing A ( you know, an OW having C ONLY for WRONG reasons..)

Cheerful, you know DARN well what she was asking... NO ONE hear NEEDS or ASKED about the OW's fatal attraction and/or the SAME OLD "soul mate" **** that nearly EVERY PERSON "feels" DURING an A or ABOUT an A THAT WAS ABRUPTLY ended by one party... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> Yes we all know what it feels like when you first fall in love... its always the same "energy" or "connection" the "real deal" BLA BLA BLA I've felt that very same thing 20,000 times since I was 15. LOL!

Read her question again, and ask yourself if your answer shed ANY light on the question she asked..... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

M&TBoyz, you do also know very well that the OW can be VERY manipulative re: their xMM and trying to get him back any way they can -- especially when they go NC with an OC. The child can snap them into reality, but MANY OW even single women get NUTS when the father of their child wants nothing to do w/them. Its very, very UNCOMMON for OW to simply break it off, if xMM still wants it!!! The OW hating MM seems to begin and stick, ONLY when he goes NC.

-- but not always-- of course.

[ February 10, 2005, 06:36 PM: Message edited by: Justuss ]

Cheerfulll.....you are something else...

Aww ***** it...I'm not in the mood right now...

We all know you would be another OW again <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> That's a given without you saying so..... which may I remind you your comment was off base of the original question.

But hey....you are what you are...

[ February 10, 2005, 06:37 PM: Message edited by: Justuss ]

[ February 10, 2005, 06:05 PM: Message edited by: CheerfulLittleOne ]

<blockquote>quote:<hr /> Its very, very UNCOMMON for OW to simply break it off, if xMM still wants it!!! <hr /></blockquote>I know this. The past few years on the boards and different sites I don't know to many OW who ended the affair and are the ones who started the NC.

I am the uncommon, I relate to a lot of people when they state the nutty things OW will do to stay in contact. I went through alot of it with Xmm. He was the one who did what he could to keep things and contact going.

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Originally posted by mom of five:
 One more thing, While I am sure this doesnt apply to all, Dont you think the magnitude of having a baby is so HUGE, that Most would not do it on purpose? There are a lot of life changing events that occur having a baby, merely to continue an affair! <hr /></blockquote>mom of five: That would depend on who you ask....you'll get one answer from bw/xmm and a different answer for xow. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Originally posted by giovanna123:
 <blockquote>quote:<hr /> How many of you OW/xOW wanted C in hopes that the A would continue? <hr /></blockquote>Meaning... if he WANTED C.. but NO RELATIONSHIP, would you ONLY agree to C in hopes of continuing A ( you know, an OW having C ONLY for WRONG reasons..)

Cheerful, you know DARN well what she was asking... NO ONE hear NEEDS or ASKED about the OW's fatal attraction and/or the SAME OLD "soul mate" **** that nearly EVERY PERSON "feels" DURING an A or ABOUT an A THAT WAS ABRUPTLY ended by one party... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> Yes we all know what it feels like when you first fall in love... its always the same "energy" or "connection" the "real deal" BLA BLA BLA I've felt that very same thing 20,000 times since I was 15. LOL!

Read her question again, and ask yourself if your answer shed ANY light on the question she asked..... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

M&TBoyz, you do also know very well that the OW can be VERY manipulative re: their xMM and trying to get him back any way they can -- especially when they go NC with an OC. The child can snap them into reality, but MANY OW even single women get NUTS when the father of their child wants nothing to do w/them. Its very, very UNCOMMON for OW to simply break it off, if xMM still wants it!!! The OW hating MM seems to begin and stick, ONLY when he goes NC.

-- but not always-- of course. <hr /></blockquote>Gio I have to agre with mentheboyz here. Again, with what YOU said....I'd say that goes back to personality. Not title. Do I want to conitune a relationship with xmm??? H*LL NO. I learned my lesson the first time on that one. If I have to share her I will and hopefully it will all go well, but I'm perfectly fine (she's just a baby too right now and does not know any difference) with the way things are. It is what it is. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Hello,

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Originally posted by mom of five:
 One more thing, While I am sure this doesnt apply to all, Dont you think the magnitude of having a baby is so HUGE, that Most would not do it on purpose? There are a lot of life changing events that occur having a baby, merely to continue an affair! <hr /></blockquote>I beg to differ with u, MomofFive, yes, I can contest to the fact that there are OW out there who will purposely get pregnant to break up a MM from his family, in hopes of BW leaving him, so they can be one big happy family. See once a child is involved, OW figures the stakes are higher now...this is this man's flesh & blood...she has the same thing BW has now...a child (in most cases). OW try to close out the differences, constantly comparing what she has to what BW has. Alot of times they want to be equal, and they figure a child will definitely put a more permanent twist to things. They never stop to thing about the life of massive confusion ( again, in most cases) they will be putting this child into.

Anyway, I commend the OW's who have realized that it (destruction of a marriage & the gaining of one big happy family) is not going to happen simply because they have a OC. They move on. And lets not blame all OW's, the MM alot of times is the main culprit in trying to continue the affair behind BW's back...they like to take ownership of OW, and think they can continue to have their cake & eat it too, and use the OC as an excuse to continue the A. It is all about control & selfishness.

Oh well, just my two cents. Take care.

How about a psyco xMOM who was TRYING to get ME P in the hopes that MY H would leave me, especially when he knew (xMOM) that I was trying to figure out how to break it off w/out being "found out"! Needless to say, the end of the A was a relief for me, and we went NC with xMOM before we knew of the P. Things were quite crazy for a while, as the xMOM was still trying to break us up, in the hopes that I would run to him! With the threats on my H's life, we felt no compulsion to notify him of the P, as he would have used that to try to worm his way further into our M and lives, which would/could have been devistating to our whole family. So, for myself, it's a definate NO to the original question.

I'm not saying that I don't take any blame in the A, I was there, and made a HUGE mistake! But, I also feel that in many cases, yes, the OP may start out with hopes that the A continues. Not that those feelings continue, but many would welcome it if it was offered.

in my situation, OW did get pregnant to continue the A,which in a way worked. after the courts rules,the A started again,OW made H feel guilty of not being there for OC. when it ended again,OW had the nerve to say she was pregnant again.NOT true as we found out a couple of months later,thru someone close to OW, OW had tubes tied when OC was born.and OW played it to the hill,went and even told socialworker she was PG and gave a due date.we just let her play her game and come due time, she called to say she had a boy,but he was stillborn.Hplayed along,asked where he was buried at. She said she didn't know her mother took care of all that.OH PLEASE-a mother will need to know these things for closure,RIGHT!? well anyway,H confronted her about getting her tubes tied,she denied it.but it's funny we haven't heard anymore in reference to this child.OW just uses the excuse of OC being sick or wanting to talk to daddy, to try and get H into her life and away from me.I'm holding my grounds and so is H, he does not want to be with her.

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Originally posted by D---if i do,D---if i don't:
 in my situation, OW did get pregnant to continue the A,which in a way worked. after the courts rules,the A started again,OW made H feel guilty of not being there for OC. when it ended again,OW had the nerve to say she was pregnant again.NOT true as we found out a couple of months later,thru someone close to OW, OW had tubes tied when OC was born.and OW played it to the hill,went and even told socialworker she was PG and gave a due date.we just let her play her game and come due time, she called to say she had a boy,but he was stillborn.Hplayed along,asked where he was buried at. She said she didn't know her mother took care of all that.OH PLEASE-a mother will need to know these things for closure,RIGHT!? well anyway,H confronted her about getting her tubes tied,she denied it.but it's funny we haven't heard anymore in reference to this child.OW just uses the excuse of OC being sick or wanting to talk to daddy, to try and get H into her life and away from me.I'm holding my grounds and so is H, he does not want to be with her. <hr /></blockquote>Now that is sick!

I am a WstbxH and I am almost certain that the MOW wanted to get pregnant to secure our relationship. Just today, when I brought up going to 99.9% NC, she started "getting sick and coughing up blood" which proves I'm hurting the baby. NC today to her means I'm abandoning a baby that's not due until August. "How you treat me now is how you treat the baby" were almost her exact words.

(I forgot to mention that last summer she lost another pregnancy in the first few weeks and failed to tell me about it until after I'd gone back home in a failed attempt at reconciliation.)

So on her behalf, I'll add her name to the list.

[ February 21, 2005, 01:02 PM: Message edited by: Lost71 ]

Lost, do you actually want to live the rest of your life (even though I can guarantee THAT won't happen) with an OW of her caliber? Yikes, she seems vicious. Far more vicious than your W seems. So you say her and her H are separated? What prompted that..the A? Is this her first A? I know you're battling your job situation. It's definitely not a good position to be in. My H's XOW and her H live 3 blocks from us in a small town. Our 12 year old sons are friends and go to school together. Our daughter and the OC (whom we haven't decided if pursuing C will be the best for) will be in the same class at the same school if both families continue to live where we live. Everyone tells us to move. It's hard to do so I totally understand you and your job situation. Are you 100% positive that the unborn child is yours? Could it not be her STBXH?

Lost, my last response was supposed to be on your thread that you started. I posted to the wrong one! Oops.

No problem, I'll quote and respond over there. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I wanted contact because I thought it was the only thing to do and at the time, so did he...even his wife asked me to please let him be in her life.

If I am completely honest, yes I still wanted to be with him, and probably would have continued the affair if there was contact. I think all parties involved realized that it would happen if we were ever together, which is why I believe they chose NC.

Two years later I would like to believe that I would never go near him again. Although some really stupid part of me still loves him the "fog" has definitely lifted. His behaviour towards our daughter has been monsterous...so in that regard Lynn is right...makes me want him to stay very far away. I am for the most part happy about the NC, and will be even happier when all the legal stuff is over.

Post deleted by Blackrio

Rio, I can totally understand your feelings on the head starting to hurt from it all. Hang in there stay strong.....email me if you feel weak and I'll talk to you down girl! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

For me, I was in the process of breaking it off with him when I found out I was pg. I almost didn't even tell him that I was, but I knew that he'd find out through mutual friends and I wanted him to hear it from me rather than someone else. He kept calling me during my pg, until the first 12 weeks were up he tried to convince me to have an abortion and after that, adoption (that was only brought up once - I don't think he liked my response). This was a man that talked to me about having children with me, etc. ( <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> ). I told him from day one that if he didn't want anything to do with me or the baby to walk away now and not to look back. He kept calling. He kept coming around. He came to the hospital when I was in labor, and after the baby was born. He SAID he was going to stay when I was in labor, but that my mother "growled" at him so that's why he left. I'm glad he did - I had MY support system there, he wasn't support for me, he was just upsetting. Seeing the baby in the hospital was partly my doing, because I didn't want the first time he saw the baby to be when we went to court.
I didn't get pg to keep the R going. I wanted it to end. He was in contact for the first year, I have cards, etc. to Josh that are all signed "love, Dad".. Again <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> . The only reason I have them is for when Josh asks or is ready to see them. We've been NC for 4 years now. Oy, I'm not going to keep going on, this could take forever. LOL But no. Not me. I didn't want the A to continue. I deserved so much more than what he could/would offer, and so did my son.

JM I was too in the midst of breaking it off with him. He knew it too. I had told him that I could not keep doing this. HE was all freaked out over it. I think the pregnancy in a way helped the break up to happen faster. He knew how to pile the guilt on me and make me feel guilty.

As far as to continue the A, I dont think so. Like in my case the OW called to tell me that my H was only coming home for my D. He didn't love me and would leave as soon as she was 18! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> And she could even the playing field. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> So in my eyes baby A was planned by her for me to leave him. She didn't think I would stay. The only way she was going to get him, is if I got rid of him? Now how sick is that? Who in thier right mind would be happy w/ that kind of life? I don't know. And still today, its the same way. Knowing he is never going to leave his family. I really feel sorry for her. I though she was in a place to where she could heal and go on w/ her life, but I've seen different in the past few months since the visitations are legal. She tries to use C as a means of getting close to my H and bugging me. But as long as we are working on our M and she is not our concern, just Baby A, then it is her that is waisting percious time of living her life, not us. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />
I can say for the "newbies" here that they need to first and fromost work on thier M and then deal with the issue of C/NC. That way you are no likely be strong enough to combat the actions and games that the OW might try. We do have C and I do get aggravated by some of the games the OW plays, but like I've always said. Do it legal and let your attorney handle the games. Cover your butt on the front end, and if its just YOU acting like an adult, then you are the smartest one!
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> Sunny d

Very nicely said SunnyD!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />