Looking for some wise advice ... false recovery... - 07/08/10 07:02 AM
Hi all.
I have been a major lurker and have posted a few times.
My WH and I have been married 10 years and we have a 7 year old, beautiful daughter. In the last two years, I discovered my WH was having an affair, exposed him to his family and my family, and moved across the country to be with my family. After moving, he came to visit, then called saying he really hated what he did and can't live with his family broken up. Asked me to come back home, and we had this discussion for months. I decided to come home, going with the thought that we can't work on our marriage without being in the same place, so I moved my daughter and I back home. Once I was home, I snooped and discovered the volume of his lies to that point, I found out who the person was, where she lives, etc. We talked about it, and he seemed to be taking the right steps to recovery.
Then the day after my D7 bday, a gentleman was waiting for me outside of our house. As it turns out, this gentleman was the boyfriend of my husband's girlfriend, and he was pissed. He showed me her cellphone which had all sorts of incriminating photos/texts dated right up to a week before my D7's bday from my husband and from her. This is a different woman and one that worked/works for him. I confronted him, well blew up, and of course, he said they weren't having sex, just texting, and blah, blah, blah.
So, the day of the confrontation he swore that it was all ended, but the very next day, I found a text from him to her saying "do not answer your phone." So I confronted him again, and he ended the confrontation by telling me that I needed to get over the past, and that he needed to be a man, and could not give me his account passwords, and answer to me, and that basically he would not kiss my a$$.
After that, I went into a very deep depression. And really started reading a lot of the threads here, and realized that all of the BS my H was saying to me is exactly the fogspeak all WW's speak, and I realized that I really can not believe anything from him.
After that he started to tell me that I needed to find a job, and a place to live because he is divorcing me. He said he wasn't living with my throwing this in his face all of the time for the rest of his life.
That was over a month and a half ago, and now every other day he tells me is giving me a small lump sum figure to get back on my feet, but is planning the rest of his life without me. He will give my D money if she calls him and tells him she needs it, or if she needs anything.
A few weeks ago, he left his cell phone at home, and girlfriend #1 called him on it, so I called him to light into him, and he claimed he didn't know why she was calling him, so I should call her to find out. So I did and she answered. I asked her why she was involved with my husband, and she said she wasn't, she was just returning a phone call and didn't know whose number it was. Then she hung up on me. Then, on a whim, I decided to call GF#2, and she answered. I asked her the same types of questions, kinda fishing, and she mostly told me I need to speak with my husband. But, she did kinda cop to length of time, and for some reason, she became upset when I asked if they were in love. Her response was like she was repulsed by the idea, but then she said she wasn't talking anymore, and hung up.
I don't know what I am looking for, as I am just so shutdown right now. I didn't do a stellar plan A, and apparently it didn't matter anyway, I was just making a fool of myself. I am a little cloudy on what I want to do next, but I have a bit of a plan. I am not currently working, but technically pretty employable, I just can't focus, as my marriage has been so hard, and such hell.
I guess I need help with a solid plan, as I keep struggling because everytime I start to feel good about myself, he does/says something that completely kills me.
Honestly, I am pretty sure that I can't continue in this marriage because of the level of disrespect he has shown me, and he has assured me that he will not go NC, write a NC letter, change his phone numbers, and stop his current behaviors. He has pretty much left me nothing to work with, but due to extenuating circumstances, he can't leave, and I can't leave yet.
A part of me would love for him to come to his senses, and stop, become remorseful, and truly stop. I would love to spend the rest of my life with the guy I fell in love with and married, but I don't even believe that that person even exists anymore.
Anyway, thank you for reading if you got this far. I hope to hear from you.
Thank you ....
FD
I have been a major lurker and have posted a few times.
My WH and I have been married 10 years and we have a 7 year old, beautiful daughter. In the last two years, I discovered my WH was having an affair, exposed him to his family and my family, and moved across the country to be with my family. After moving, he came to visit, then called saying he really hated what he did and can't live with his family broken up. Asked me to come back home, and we had this discussion for months. I decided to come home, going with the thought that we can't work on our marriage without being in the same place, so I moved my daughter and I back home. Once I was home, I snooped and discovered the volume of his lies to that point, I found out who the person was, where she lives, etc. We talked about it, and he seemed to be taking the right steps to recovery.
Then the day after my D7 bday, a gentleman was waiting for me outside of our house. As it turns out, this gentleman was the boyfriend of my husband's girlfriend, and he was pissed. He showed me her cellphone which had all sorts of incriminating photos/texts dated right up to a week before my D7's bday from my husband and from her. This is a different woman and one that worked/works for him. I confronted him, well blew up, and of course, he said they weren't having sex, just texting, and blah, blah, blah.
So, the day of the confrontation he swore that it was all ended, but the very next day, I found a text from him to her saying "do not answer your phone." So I confronted him again, and he ended the confrontation by telling me that I needed to get over the past, and that he needed to be a man, and could not give me his account passwords, and answer to me, and that basically he would not kiss my a$$.
After that, I went into a very deep depression. And really started reading a lot of the threads here, and realized that all of the BS my H was saying to me is exactly the fogspeak all WW's speak, and I realized that I really can not believe anything from him.
After that he started to tell me that I needed to find a job, and a place to live because he is divorcing me. He said he wasn't living with my throwing this in his face all of the time for the rest of his life.
That was over a month and a half ago, and now every other day he tells me is giving me a small lump sum figure to get back on my feet, but is planning the rest of his life without me. He will give my D money if she calls him and tells him she needs it, or if she needs anything.
A few weeks ago, he left his cell phone at home, and girlfriend #1 called him on it, so I called him to light into him, and he claimed he didn't know why she was calling him, so I should call her to find out. So I did and she answered. I asked her why she was involved with my husband, and she said she wasn't, she was just returning a phone call and didn't know whose number it was. Then she hung up on me. Then, on a whim, I decided to call GF#2, and she answered. I asked her the same types of questions, kinda fishing, and she mostly told me I need to speak with my husband. But, she did kinda cop to length of time, and for some reason, she became upset when I asked if they were in love. Her response was like she was repulsed by the idea, but then she said she wasn't talking anymore, and hung up.
I don't know what I am looking for, as I am just so shutdown right now. I didn't do a stellar plan A, and apparently it didn't matter anyway, I was just making a fool of myself. I am a little cloudy on what I want to do next, but I have a bit of a plan. I am not currently working, but technically pretty employable, I just can't focus, as my marriage has been so hard, and such hell.
I guess I need help with a solid plan, as I keep struggling because everytime I start to feel good about myself, he does/says something that completely kills me.
Honestly, I am pretty sure that I can't continue in this marriage because of the level of disrespect he has shown me, and he has assured me that he will not go NC, write a NC letter, change his phone numbers, and stop his current behaviors. He has pretty much left me nothing to work with, but due to extenuating circumstances, he can't leave, and I can't leave yet.
A part of me would love for him to come to his senses, and stop, become remorseful, and truly stop. I would love to spend the rest of my life with the guy I fell in love with and married, but I don't even believe that that person even exists anymore.
Anyway, thank you for reading if you got this far. I hope to hear from you.
Thank you ....
FD