What is your opinion about WS who do not go and live with OP even if there are no obstacles in doing so?
Why are there some WS who in spite of many difficulties end up wanting to go and live with OP while others who would have no problems in doing so do not do it?
Does the degree of involvement with OP play a role? Do the ones who move out and stay on their own (while seeing OP on a regular basis but not committing to a living together situation) see the A as a recreation and their freedom from the ball and chain of the M as the main reason for wanting to separate and later divorce?
There is a clear difference between those 2 types of WS saying that there is not it is really not accurate.
What is your opinion?
Blessing

Hi there,
I'm interested in the opinions of the vets on this one.....mine is one who in the beginning told me he was in love with OW and that he was interested in a relationship with her.......I cleared the deck for him in terms of financial and he was free to go......
He didn't go........
He told me he told her he loved her and didn't love me so it made no sense to me that he didn't go then.......it seemed like this is what the whole affair was for to be together........the OW even left her husband and he had a place to go........
He has now changed his mind and said she is not what he wants and that he loves me........
His affair I think only last about 6 months, maybe longer term affairs are different....maybe it's a difference which sex it is....
A lot of interesting thoughts here......

My XWH is still seeing the OW. He can't live with her because of our custody agreement that says no overnights with opposite sex when child is present. I wonder if he will marry her though. Our divorce was final end of 09....but XH says he didn't want a divorce---so in his case I think he figures since I went straight to Plan D he might as well keep seeing her.

bump

atena, I think in the case of your WS, he can't go live with the OW because of her little kids. Don't you think that would make for an impossible situation? The affair is not a feasible place for him to land.

Sure, the degree of involvement plays a role, but I think the larger issue is that the freedom, and the independence, are what drives that bus in many cases. A gradual metamorphisis or a paradigm shift? I guess it really doesn't matter, though. The last time I checked, 'freedom' and 'independence' were not branded as solid building blocks for a M.

Now, if I happened to miss the memo indicating otherwise, just let me know......

TBC

I think some WS definitely want only the good parts of a relationship and not the challenging parts. My ex had an online OW and left to go live on his own. To this day, three years later, his OW lives in another state (in a house he bought for her to live in rent free.) She fulfills all of his ENs for Admiration and Conversation and he gets tons of alone time to play his computer games. She is getting her needs for FS fulfilled and they probably still do their SF online. (I think she is even still married to someone else.)

No thank you! I'd rather be in the real world.

Yes Melody but the point is that many WH do go and live with OW who has small kids.
The fact that he doesn't...is it because he knows it will not last if he did go and live with her?
blessing

I think it because HE can't stand small kids. Doesn't he dislike being around small children? And I agree that it won't last very long if he lives with her. He may know that.

He used to play with them on the beach when they had just started the A but I am not sure he ever liked them.
He just keeps cake eating even with her, he has his freedom and he sees her without any aggravation.
I m very discouraged because I know that without reality hitting them soon this A will last a long time and then the hope to get the M recovered are less and less.
Plus now he has really tasted his freedom and why would he miss me or our son who is already on his own in college far away.
I know I am a drama queen,but this is really hopeless...
blessing

atena, can you imagine the lovebusting from the OW about the fact that he won't move in or take the relationship to a greater point? She is pressuring him and he is running for his life.

That being said, you have no way of guessing what is on his mind. It is impossible to predict the future and you will drive yourself crazy trying.

Please, please focus on making your life GREAT, friend...

thank you Melody, I do need this reminder from time to time.
I try to read his mind and that is a recipe for going nuts. I am focusing on my studies...I am done with my master in less than a month if god wills...!
I am lucky to be able to get an education....and to have the blessing of being free to do as I please. That is a biggy.
But at times I do not know why I take so much longer than others to feel unstuck and move on...
I am a dummy I think...
blessing

That is great about your masters!

And you are no dummy!! This has been much almost impossible for you because you see him at work. See how much better you felt when you were away for awhile?

that's so true!
Also Melody, I am yet at another place now so in total in 10 months I moved 7 times.
Hopefully in sept I will find a permanet place, right now people do summer rentals and but in Sept it will be good to start looking
blessing

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{atena}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

In what field is your Masters?
And, BIG CONGRATULATIONS!

Isn't this just a variation on "cake eating?"

It seems to me, central to an A is the desire to have 2 lives taking the "easy/fun/good" parts of both. Not committing to either one, while not burning the bridges to either one is the way they sustain both lives.

[/quote]

Isn't this just a variation on "cake eating?"

It seems to me, central to an A is the desire to have 2 lives taking the "easy/fun/good" parts of both. Not committing to either one, while not burning the bridges to either one is the way they sustain both lives. [/quote]

I agree with this. The A is about escaping real life for a fantasy world. The fantasy world is fueled, in a way, because there is a marriage and home and other person dealing with the real world. Even though we, the betrayed, didn't know it - we were enabling the affair because we were home being responsible and taking care of things.


I wish my H had left me for the OW because it would have been an ugly mess, quickly. Instead he spent a year in the fantasy world.

There is only ONE type of WS - ya you guessed it A WAYWARD!

They are all CHEATERS with dispicable character

I did not mean an A where WH still lives at home. I mean the A when WH has already moved out and he is either on his own and seeing OW at the same time. Or he has moved in with her.
In my example up until I knew info about WH (now I do not care what he does) OW would wake up go to WH place spend all day there with him and return in the evening to pick up her brats from camp or daycare.
plus she would spend all Sat and SUN with him and they would go on week end trips.
This is a pretty cushy life for my WH and it is quite of a different scenario from a WS who would live with OW and her kids and who would not have all the leasure time together free of bills, kids screaming and other daily life routines...
So I do believe that yes, the nature of the WS is the same, but the arrangement they pick with OW can be quite different ad lead to different outcomes.
The WS and OW not liveing together and spending fun times together on a daily basis find that their relationship gets stronger and is free from domestic demands. In this case there is a true change of lifestyle from the part of the WH. He is now a bachelor and lives alone, and gets it often with OW.
The A has no reason to end soon because it provides pleasure and recreation time without responsibilities.
OW gives WH the illusion of all this freedom and for a while she makes no demands. SHe has time on her side and she works on WH nice and good feeding on the very desire of freedom and need for admiration and feel young again that drove him away from the M.
However ultimately OW wants WH to settle in with her and her kids and if WH really falls in love with her she might at the end succeed.
Otherwise as soon as she starts putting serious pressure on WH the more he will be thinking to end the A.
WHile the WS who lives with OW and her brats can't hope for the A to last long and to be an improvement compared to the M.
He has not changed a thing he has just aggravated his life 1,0000 more than before.
So I do think there is a big difference between the 2 scenarios and they do influence the lenght of the A and the time for OW to continue making a good impression and being the fantasy woman that WH might eventually decide to setttle with.
blessing

I don't really think it matters. Yes, a WS who moves in with their AP CAN have reality hit them sooner, or they could be really good at ignoring things. The WS who really LOVES family, could still get a family "fix" by the children the AP has. There are single people who date and live together, and their are those that choose not to live together. Those relationships end all of the time.

Seriously, thinking about the WHY will just drive you crazy. There are so many reasons why and most of the reasoning takes place in a wayturd's head.

I know that this is you trying to understand why your husband isn't coming home. When you get into this kind of thinking, Atena, you really need to get yourself out of it for your own good. Sometimes, when I talk to my RL friends and I tell them about things that happened(like DS10 telling me that he thought WH and OW were fighting last Sunday), my friends say, "Isn't that a good sign Doesn't that mean it's crashing?" I respond with, "I know this sounds callous, but I don't care."

It is entertaining to me to hear about the arguments in the "perfect" world(I KNOW it's not perfect, PEOPLE aren't perfect). It doesn't change anything though. My WH ISN'T coming to me, with hat in hands saying, "I want to come home and work on this marriage." Until that happens, I don't CARE what happens with them. It doesn't make a difference in my marriage. The affair is still going on and I don't care how involved they are. They were already having SF and a "relationship" before WH left, all I did was take MYSELF out of it.

Atena, you are only focusing on the UPSIDE, do you see that? The downside is that the OW lovebusts your H when he won't take the relationship further. Usually, the WS promises that they will move in or marry, etc once the BS is gone. And then when they are free to do so, they don't. That causes conflict in the affair.

Regardless, none of us are psychics and this really is a waste of time - and harmful to you - to sit around speculating about something we have no way of knowing. And you do have a tendency, my good friend, to always imagine the VERY WORST.

The best thing for you to do is to focus on making your life GREAT. Now that you are a month away from completing your masters, are you looking into leaving that job so you don't have to look at your husband every day?

BINGO!! And she does this because she is in a position to be constantly triggered.

I know I am a crybaby and I do have a vivid imagination and usually what happens is that I attract all the bad visions I have and so they end up becoming reality.

I will be in california in august and plan to start looking into private schools. I was also asked to email my CV to a person a good friend of mine knows. He finds positions in education in the states for people who want to relocate there.
I am planting my seeds.
Melody, starting anew in a new place far away would really be the solution and get the h^ll out of this environment.
blessing