Fortunately or unfortunately I came upon this website almost a year again on our D day. My wife started an affair when I was away and it bloomed fully once I got back, I'm sure everyone knows that story by now.

Since then I thought we were in recovery, we moved away to another state. We have been trying to rekindle find what it was we need/want and I try to keep the love bank in mind, though I am guilty of not always keeping it in mind.

In this last year since moving away there was at first NC with the other man but after a few months I caught her emailing him. and she confessed and I don't think she has been in contact since. During the fall was the most tumultuous our relationship has been and it was up/down all the time. She wants to try, she doesn't want to try...etc not a new story.
Since winter though things were up for a while then she was pregnant and things went way down (normal pregnancy moodiness) then she had a miscarriage. She has been very down lately and at one point told me she wanted to be close to me again like we were before she got crazy moody. I've just been trying to make deposits in her love bank and try not to be hurt so much when she has been withdrawing from my love bank for the past few months.

This morning I knew something was wrong as soon as we woke up, emotionally between us. I went to work and at work I get IM's from her saying she is ready to "stop doing this with me" and "divorce would be easy in this state" things like that. She wont call me because she doesn't want to talk to me and she doesn't want our kids to hear us.

Right now I feel shattered to pieces, I have tried so hard to make this work, and I feel like when we are good it feels so worth all this, moving to another state, finding a new job, living with this woman who stomped my heart during the affair. Right now it seems so final, even when we were down, I feel like this feels different. She has always seemed to be like the electric fence personality that was described in one of the articles. Things are great when you are on walking the path together....but cross her fence and feel the wrath.

I don't know what to do, I'm afraid to go home after work and see something different in her eyes. I can't stay wt work forever. I've been looking at things like child custody and divorce law here and it is breaking my heart to even smaller pieces. It's not just that I want my kids, I want my kids with her together.

I feel so lost and it's all I can do to keep on my "face" at work.

Sorry you are here but welcome to MB
I am not going to sugar coat it. Big Red Flags going off that you have never reached recovery because contact never ended. In my case the up down commitment to the M correlated DIRECTLY with contact.

Has your WW agreed to be O&H, giving you passwords to all accounts and phone records? Do you have a keylogger installed?

Can you press "Notify" and have this moved to SAA?

Some more questions:

Is OM married?

And the most important question: Who did you expose to?

Thanks for your response, right now I feel like so I don't know , detached and horrible and just like "this can't be happeneing" type mode.

I thought contact had ended in...Oct or so last year, almost postive. Though hard to be 110%.

I do have all the passwords and phone records and I don't know she seemed willing to give them over at the the time and I have given her my passwords to my email...etc but now it seems like some point of contention sometimes like offhand remarks, "you know because you read my emails" stuff like that when in fact I lately haven't because I didn't think it was an issue anymore and that we were recovering. She doesn't believe me if I say I didn't.

I pressed notify and asked to move to SAA.

I just don't know what to do. I feel completely shattered to pieces.

The OM was divorced/divorcing.

We exposed to friends and family. She hated that part I think the most because she didn't want them to know what she had done.

I honestly felt like we were in recovery...from Nov to May and then in May she just went haywire which later she found out she was pregnant and then I was attributing a lot of it to her haywiredness. From midMay to June it was very rough for me I won't lie, but then the end of June we found out of problems with the pregnancy that ended in a miscarriage. That was ended a few weeks ago, and now today she tells me she wants to stop "us" and all this stuff.

Did you confirm this yourself or was this something OM told you?

Did you install a keylogger?

slayton, I would implore you to call up Steve Harley and have him give you a PLAN for restoring the love in your marriage. Your marriage has failed to recover because there is no PLAN here. As long as your marriage remains BAD, it will pale in comparison to her fantasy idea of her affair.

If a marriage has no plan to recover after an affair, it is just a crippled version of the bad pre-A marriage. A marriage cannot recover without a plan.

And I do suspect that contact has resumed as Susie said. She has that point of comparison in her mind and is furious that you don't/can't measure up to what she feels with the OM.

Therefore, I would suggest you step up the snooping. Put a keylogger on her computer,[get eblaster at spectorpro.com] tap your phone, put a VAR in her car. But you need to step it up for sure.

And if you have given her passwords to your accounts, I would change the passwords for now. Radical honesty is for recovery and you are not in recovery.

I would find out who the wife is. Even if they are "divorcing" the news of an affair could help her in her divorce suit. More likely, it is a lie that he getting divorced.

Confirmed via the wonders of the internet. Before we moved to another state, the OM even called me to talk to me and telling me how sorry..blah blah blah. Crazy stuff.

More background:

I picked up the Surviving an Affair and His needs/her needs book almost a year ago and tried to work through it with my W. I have lurked on the board since then and sometimes other peoples stories were able to help me through my tough time then. Around Nov/Dec or so I stopped coming to the board because it seemed to me at least things were coming around to Recovery and that I noticed some of the signs of resentment that were mentioned in the book starting to fester within me spring of this year. I strated thinking all those ..."how could she..." and other not helpful thoughts and tried to push those to the side as much as I could and continue to deposit into her love bank and realize when I would withdraw and things like that.

Last year I hesitate to post all this but now it seems like I can't stop it from all coming out.

Let me dust off my WW translator:

"You know because you read my emails..."

Translation: "I know you have access to one email account, but I'm so smart because I'm using a secret email account and/or affair phone."

She is either still contacting OM#1 or is starting an affair with a different person. What are her ENs and LBs, and how have you been doing in that regard?

slayton, one of the critical pieces of this program is spending 20+ hours per week together of undivided attention meeting these top 4 intimate needs: affection, conversation, sexual fulfillment and rec companionship. Dr Harley says his program won't work without it.

How much time do you spend together ALONE each week?

And how were you able to confirm the OM's divorce? When was he divorced? And was this affair a factor?

EXACTAMUNDO!!

jmwc95:
Took me a bit of figuring out as I've been away from the board a while but I remembered EN = emotional Needs and LB = love busters.

On the EN's I'd say lately through this miscarriage stuff I know I have handled it poorly. I've taken care of the physical "easy" things but not been there for her as much as I needed to, though in my defense I am trying to cope with the miscarriage as well. I know it's not as devastating as it didn't happen to me, we were both excited about this "whoops" pregnancy. I know this has been a huge lack on my part and I am trying. Now this "I want to divorce thing" is a huge blow to me.

Melody:

Before the craziness of the pregnancy and miscarriage. I think we were shooting for ~2 hours a day, usually it was at the end of hte night when all the kids were asleep, talking, sex reading books to each other. These last ~2 months that has gone completely out the window, for a while she couldn't stand me but I attributed that to the pregnancy hormones...as we have had a son before an that time was super crazy in terms of moodiness. It's hard to spend time when the other person doesn't want to do that with you. Since finding out about the failed pregnancy and having hte miscarriage thing done, I thought we were on the mend because we started doing those things together we had done prior to the recent problems. However I know I wasn't there for her enough emotionally as I needed to be when she needed me to be there. Not just when I had time or something. that I know now was a huge withdrawal from her love bank.


We haven't talked about the last affair in a few months now other than her asking me not to let it ruin fathers day of this year because that was the D day for me last year. I didn't let it ruin my day with her an my son, I had those thoughts creeping in my mind about the hurt and all that but I pushed it to the side because I saw how hard my wife was trying despite the morning sickness...etc

Maybe it is someone new....I should have let this out earlier but last night when I was using the computer I logged into yahoo mail and her email came up, nothing wrong with that as she is the primary user. I was going to sign out but before I even got a chance she had an instant message from this online guy. This guy is not the OM or not the same one anyway. She has known him online for as long as she has known me and she has talked to him on/off for as long as we have been married. It never used to be a problem for me until the affair last year when I became super paranoid and all that and asked her NC with him as well in Oct of last year, the same time as the NC with the OM. I guess that isn't the case.

I didn't say anything before because I was being delusional.

I've been dusting up on this site since well I stopped coming because I thought this was over with.

Plan B....I don't know, financially this doesn't even seem feasible for our family right now. Also....I'm supposed to be deploying for a year in Dec, I'll be in an out for the next few months as our unit trains up. Then we leave.

I'm so lost. In May it wsa like this huge high, we were getting close, we were spending the 15+ hours being together alone...all those things.

Then really happy news, we were happy she was pregnant...all that stuff. Then due to moodiness we drifted away from each other again, then bad news in regards to the pregnancy and now....divorce??????

You think divorce will be financially feasible? And yet, if you do nothing, that's exactly where you'll wind up - some how people always manage to come up with the money for THAT.

I guess I struggle with Plan B becaues it seems like to me she should be the one to move out since she is the one that feels this way. On the other hand I'm supposed to be leaving for a while soon and I just dont know what to do. I'm still here at work, worried about going home.

I want to do what so many people here have said, no R talk. Don't go down that road. I have been very restrained compared to last year at this time when I found out about the A and the all that.

To top everything off, today is my DS's birthday. What a lovely day.

slayton, first things first. Put a keylogger on her computer. Go to spectorpro.com and get eblaster if you want the reports mailed to some other computer. Set up a webbased email account so she can't find it. OR install spectorpro if you have daily access to her computer. Personally, I would use the eblaster becuase you can get reports throughout the day on your work computer.

Do your best to meet her needs and avoid lovebusters. Spend as much time as possible with her. And most of all, DO NOT COOPERATE WITH ANY DIVORCE PROPOSALS. If she brings it up, tell her you are not interested. Don't move out and don't agree to anything.

I have installed Spector pro now
Update since Friday:
Friday was my DS's birthday that day she told him he was a stupid brat wow talk about a great birthday memory! She told me she wasn't going to do anything for his party tommorrow and maybe she would drive away on Friday but be really mean to my DS before she left so he would hate her.
I get home an hour later and all seems fine as she gets ready for his party with no mention of the morningsaturday she is not herself but not crazy either. Sunday evening she asks me what is wrong and I tell her Friday was. So she goes on to telling me her thoughts about me and our marriage. I have heard her say so many things last year during the A but this felt different I guess because I thought we were on our way back. Needless to say I left turbojet over an hour ago heartbroken. I'm currently sitting in my car in some random parking lot typing from my iPhone. Inane spent the last hour or so ailing and asking why me? what have I done?!?! I didn't want the kids to see me so upset while my F?WW sits there so calmly dismantling me. At this point I don't know which way is up and don't know what to do!! I beginleaving for pre deployment truing on and off for the next few months before leaving for a year. I find myself asking what am I even fighting for? my own wife who I haven given everything for doesn't even want me. I don't see anyway to possibly do plan A again given how often I'll be gone.

What really kills me is the bought of my 5 year old boy who I love so much being with my W for the next 1.5 years. By the

Sorry for all the spelling/grammar mistakes last night.

Anyone have anything? I feel like I'm drowning now.

Slayton,
I was moved when I read about the loss of your baby. I had a miscarriage over 10 years ago. Our little angel would have been 10 years old this month. It is a painful loss. We named our angel Nolan. Did you name the baby? It helps if you do. DH and I were talking about him the other day and we both got very emotional. We really never took the time to fully grieve. We found out I was pregnant and we wanted to wait a few months before we told anyone. Literally the same day I found out I lost the baby my FIL was diagnosed with terminal cancer. He was given 3-4 months to live. After a year he was still alive but my BIL passed away suddenly. Then my granny passed a few weeks later and my FIL passed a few months after that. We only told a few people about the loss and only after my FIL passed away. My point is we never grieved fully because we had so many other serious things going on in our lives. Please make talking about the baby a priority.

Thank you Suamico....I need to do that but I don't see how I can even bring this up right now given how cold she is being. In her mind it's almost like it's all settled and all we have to do is tie up the loose ends.

Something she told me last night was that she must not love me because she knew how much I wanted another child and she wants me to find someone who could do that for me. In my view I think she must still love me because she cares that about me and about wanting another child. Even though I have told her many times it's ok I don't want another child she insists on telling me I do. That I should find someone who doesn't have so many health problems....etc That I should find a woman who can care about me like a wife should and things like that. Nothing I could say last night seemed to make any difference at all, trying to reassure her, trying to say that when she is down...all she can see is more downs, that our relationship, every relationship is ups and downs and when she is "up" that's all she can see as well....

At first we both thought this "whoops pregnancy" was some kind of sign for us, but now she is taking it as a sign that is meant to end this marriage or something.

Depression can often take something positive and spin it to something negative. If you said, "its okay we can adopt", or "perhaps next time we won't miscarry", and she spins it negative, then she may be suffering from a temporary depression about this miscarriage. Depressed people also try to drag others down with them.

I know that I can have bouts with depression, and I can force myself out of the depression within a couple of days, but its hard. I don't suggest doing this, but I do suggest that she talk to someone about depression.

Perhaps leanding an empathetic ear to her is what she needs. what you do is reapeat everything she says in your own words. Try to keep the conversation moving until she asks you a question then you can answer. Often my FWW (Sapph) will call me just to vent, or "talk". I listen, I am training myself to not be an answer man all the time, women hate answer men when all they want is an ear.

Thanks Wheels....that is definitely something I have been working on since the whole A last year was listening without being the answer man! I need to try harder.

Update:
Last night we had another talk about how she wants me to find a woman that can give me a baby and that can grow old with me like I deserve. She jokingly says that I probably have a new GF since the last few days I've been going on drives and walks to try to clear my head. I told her she's the one exhibiting all the behaviors of having an affair since Friday, acting just like she was last year when I first found out about the OM. She then proceeded to lay out how she thinks we should proceed for the next few months and how it'd probably be easier since I'll be out of the house off and on for the next 5 months until I leave the country.

We talked about the miscarriage a bit, we talked for what seemed like hours with the kids interrupting us every little bit and pretending like nothing was wrong when they would walk in. I left for a drive afterwards and when I got home ~hour or so later, she is all apologetic and tells me she wants me and she is sorry and she thinks she is going crazy because since the miscarriage (~2+ weeks) she has had really bad insomnia and her mind is going a mile a minute all night long. I hug her back and don't say much because I don't really know what brought on this change of heart and don't want to hope too much that what she is saying is true. I guess we will see what happens today once I get home.

I know I'm not alone but I feel so lost. I feel like I'm one person during the day at work pretending like everything is fine and this other person at home who is just not the same. I still go through the motions of taking my son to the gym and chores around the house.....but my mind isn't there.

Update:

Things seem to have been going ok but we all know that doesn't mean anything. I went away for 1 month for Army stuff. Before that I have installed a computer monitor program. When I was away I tried to talk as much as I could given I was in the field for 1/2 the time and crappy cell phones the other half.

I got back home and surprise surprise, online sex talking with some guy that she has always claimed a platonic relationship with. This guy as far as I know and their conversations would indicate that they have never met in person. I know she has known him 6+ years. So she created a secret SKYPE account and got half naked for each other on the cam. That was pretty hard to stomach, along with various sex talk about what they would want to do.

My WW had promised me she wouldn't talk to him anymore last fall after the whole physical affair with another guy last summer. She said if her talking to him made me uncomfortable she would stop, so obviously she didn't or didn't stop for very long or whatever.

Now I'm just destroyed, I haven't said anything to her, she went out of town today until Monday. I leave for my deployment in December, so I don't even have the energy to try plan A again, and I don't know what or how to accomplish plan B given that I'm leaving in less than 2 months for a year. I feel so hurt and just keep going over all the things I have read on this site and in the books, what needs have I failed? What haven't I done? Could I have done more than what I did? Yes, but did I try very hard? Yes, I tried to get to the 15 hours a week...the whole 9 yards.

Now she is having cyber/cam sex with some guy that she has always claimed a "platonic" relationship with. The even more messed up thing is that this guy used to live very close to us in the DC area. That was her argument when I told her I was afraid of something happening, "we used to live so close if I wanted something to happen I could have done it"

For all I know this guy could be meeting her at a hotel somewhere right this minute.

Slayton,

Are you ready now to use the MB plans?

Instead of listening your WW and sitting and hoping?

Complaining about you, phrases as "you should find a GF who gives you child", "you probably already have GF" etc - all of this is straight from the waywards textbook and they use it only for one reason - TO JUSTIFY THEIR AFFAIRS AND EASE GUILT. You should know better after reading threads here!

You have a wrong mindset (as all BS-s initially), you cannot accuse yourself for your wife being unfaithful. And her being unfaithful is the real reason why your marriage is falling apart.

Did you ever tried real plan A (both carrot and STICK)? You have all the intel now to do proper exposure, use it.

READ HERE.

I am going through similar stuff, I am so sorry for both of us. I too thought I was in recovery. Husband put gps on his phone so I could track him, all his accounts were linked to my phone, ect.... supposedly so he would be "transparent" well then I find that he has created a fake fb profile and fake email and has been sex chatting and getting pics, ect.... from local girls so who the hell knows what else I dont know about, I pretty much had to have a nervouse breakdown just to get that info out of him. arrrrrrgggghhhh. I wanted it to work so bad, I wanted to believe the " fairytale" that he had just made a misteak and loved me and was going to win me back. sooooooooooo stupid. Thats how I am feeling. I am a military wife, and always have been faithful, I justcant believe this crap is happening, and I really dont know what to do at this point, My kids are going to be so messed up from it all. I am sorry I dont have any advice, but your not allone, good luck and god bless

this really comes to show that nothing works unless the WS is fully on board. YOur WH was faking it pretty well. The problem is, WS can fake it pretty well.
How can you trust him again? I wouldn't
Blessing

I was in your shoes. You need to take action and stop walking on egg shells around your WW. She�s not a FWW, BTW.

What do you do? You need to do the nuclear exposure. Before you do, find out who this guy is, if he�s married, and if he has a Facebook page.

Exposure is your friend. Tell her family that she�s having an affair again.

Finally, be ready to bring down the hammer from a legal standpoint. Make it very clear to her that you will not tolerate anything less than 50/50.

Are you ready to leave the Army if necessary? I got out of the Air Force. I did it primarily with the thought that I would save my marriage, but it is the reason why I have the custody arrangement I have.

Think about continuing to serve in the reserves or Guard and consider a Palace Chase transfer (if you guys have that).

I know you�re devastated. I was too. I couldn�t think straight. I couldn�t eat. I felt nothing but dread. But one of two things will happen. You�ll either follow MB, save your marriage, and rebuild using the MB principles or you will end up divorced and either paying out the nose and away from your child or with a fair arrangement where you see your child regularly.

One thing I can guarantee you is that you will end up getting over your WW if you D and you will be grateful you fought for custody, but you must do it right now.

Save all the evidence of what she�s doing online and be prepared to use it against her in court. You�re allowed to because you�re still married and you�re allowed to install any software on your computer (joint property) that you wish.

You�re not thinking straight and you need to. I also made a huge mistake that I didn�t talk to my family about what was going on and I wish I had. You really need that support through this time.

But the bottom line is that you need to snap out of the �Why is this happening to me?� mode and take on an active mode where you regain control of your life.

Snap out of it and take action.