Sorry for all the spelling/grammar mistakes last night.

Anyone have anything? I feel like I'm drowning now.

Slayton,
I was moved when I read about the loss of your baby. I had a miscarriage over 10 years ago. Our little angel would have been 10 years old this month. It is a painful loss. We named our angel Nolan. Did you name the baby? It helps if you do. DH and I were talking about him the other day and we both got very emotional. We really never took the time to fully grieve. We found out I was pregnant and we wanted to wait a few months before we told anyone. Literally the same day I found out I lost the baby my FIL was diagnosed with terminal cancer. He was given 3-4 months to live. After a year he was still alive but my BIL passed away suddenly. Then my granny passed a few weeks later and my FIL passed a few months after that. We only told a few people about the loss and only after my FIL passed away. My point is we never grieved fully because we had so many other serious things going on in our lives. Please make talking about the baby a priority.

Thank you Suamico....I need to do that but I don't see how I can even bring this up right now given how cold she is being. In her mind it's almost like it's all settled and all we have to do is tie up the loose ends.

Something she told me last night was that she must not love me because she knew how much I wanted another child and she wants me to find someone who could do that for me. In my view I think she must still love me because she cares that about me and about wanting another child. Even though I have told her many times it's ok I don't want another child she insists on telling me I do. That I should find someone who doesn't have so many health problems....etc That I should find a woman who can care about me like a wife should and things like that. Nothing I could say last night seemed to make any difference at all, trying to reassure her, trying to say that when she is down...all she can see is more downs, that our relationship, every relationship is ups and downs and when she is "up" that's all she can see as well....

At first we both thought this "whoops pregnancy" was some kind of sign for us, but now she is taking it as a sign that is meant to end this marriage or something.

Depression can often take something positive and spin it to something negative. If you said, "its okay we can adopt", or "perhaps next time we won't miscarry", and she spins it negative, then she may be suffering from a temporary depression about this miscarriage. Depressed people also try to drag others down with them.

I know that I can have bouts with depression, and I can force myself out of the depression within a couple of days, but its hard. I don't suggest doing this, but I do suggest that she talk to someone about depression.

Perhaps leanding an empathetic ear to her is what she needs. what you do is reapeat everything she says in your own words. Try to keep the conversation moving until she asks you a question then you can answer. Often my FWW (Sapph) will call me just to vent, or "talk". I listen, I am training myself to not be an answer man all the time, women hate answer men when all they want is an ear.

Thanks Wheels....that is definitely something I have been working on since the whole A last year was listening without being the answer man! I need to try harder.

Update:
Last night we had another talk about how she wants me to find a woman that can give me a baby and that can grow old with me like I deserve. She jokingly says that I probably have a new GF since the last few days I've been going on drives and walks to try to clear my head. I told her she's the one exhibiting all the behaviors of having an affair since Friday, acting just like she was last year when I first found out about the OM. She then proceeded to lay out how she thinks we should proceed for the next few months and how it'd probably be easier since I'll be out of the house off and on for the next 5 months until I leave the country.

We talked about the miscarriage a bit, we talked for what seemed like hours with the kids interrupting us every little bit and pretending like nothing was wrong when they would walk in. I left for a drive afterwards and when I got home ~hour or so later, she is all apologetic and tells me she wants me and she is sorry and she thinks she is going crazy because since the miscarriage (~2+ weeks) she has had really bad insomnia and her mind is going a mile a minute all night long. I hug her back and don't say much because I don't really know what brought on this change of heart and don't want to hope too much that what she is saying is true. I guess we will see what happens today once I get home.

I know I'm not alone but I feel so lost. I feel like I'm one person during the day at work pretending like everything is fine and this other person at home who is just not the same. I still go through the motions of taking my son to the gym and chores around the house.....but my mind isn't there.

Update:

Things seem to have been going ok but we all know that doesn't mean anything. I went away for 1 month for Army stuff. Before that I have installed a computer monitor program. When I was away I tried to talk as much as I could given I was in the field for 1/2 the time and crappy cell phones the other half.

I got back home and surprise surprise, online sex talking with some guy that she has always claimed a platonic relationship with. This guy as far as I know and their conversations would indicate that they have never met in person. I know she has known him 6+ years. So she created a secret SKYPE account and got half naked for each other on the cam. That was pretty hard to stomach, along with various sex talk about what they would want to do.

My WW had promised me she wouldn't talk to him anymore last fall after the whole physical affair with another guy last summer. She said if her talking to him made me uncomfortable she would stop, so obviously she didn't or didn't stop for very long or whatever.

Now I'm just destroyed, I haven't said anything to her, she went out of town today until Monday. I leave for my deployment in December, so I don't even have the energy to try plan A again, and I don't know what or how to accomplish plan B given that I'm leaving in less than 2 months for a year. I feel so hurt and just keep going over all the things I have read on this site and in the books, what needs have I failed? What haven't I done? Could I have done more than what I did? Yes, but did I try very hard? Yes, I tried to get to the 15 hours a week...the whole 9 yards.

Now she is having cyber/cam sex with some guy that she has always claimed a "platonic" relationship with. The even more messed up thing is that this guy used to live very close to us in the DC area. That was her argument when I told her I was afraid of something happening, "we used to live so close if I wanted something to happen I could have done it"

For all I know this guy could be meeting her at a hotel somewhere right this minute.

Slayton,

Are you ready now to use the MB plans?

Instead of listening your WW and sitting and hoping?

Complaining about you, phrases as "you should find a GF who gives you child", "you probably already have GF" etc - all of this is straight from the waywards textbook and they use it only for one reason - TO JUSTIFY THEIR AFFAIRS AND EASE GUILT. You should know better after reading threads here!

You have a wrong mindset (as all BS-s initially), you cannot accuse yourself for your wife being unfaithful. And her being unfaithful is the real reason why your marriage is falling apart.

Did you ever tried real plan A (both carrot and STICK)? You have all the intel now to do proper exposure, use it.

READ HERE.

I am going through similar stuff, I am so sorry for both of us. I too thought I was in recovery. Husband put gps on his phone so I could track him, all his accounts were linked to my phone, ect.... supposedly so he would be "transparent" well then I find that he has created a fake fb profile and fake email and has been sex chatting and getting pics, ect.... from local girls so who the hell knows what else I dont know about, I pretty much had to have a nervouse breakdown just to get that info out of him. arrrrrrgggghhhh. I wanted it to work so bad, I wanted to believe the " fairytale" that he had just made a misteak and loved me and was going to win me back. sooooooooooo stupid. Thats how I am feeling. I am a military wife, and always have been faithful, I justcant believe this crap is happening, and I really dont know what to do at this point, My kids are going to be so messed up from it all. I am sorry I dont have any advice, but your not allone, good luck and god bless

this really comes to show that nothing works unless the WS is fully on board. YOur WH was faking it pretty well. The problem is, WS can fake it pretty well.
How can you trust him again? I wouldn't
Blessing

I was in your shoes. You need to take action and stop walking on egg shells around your WW. She�s not a FWW, BTW.

What do you do? You need to do the nuclear exposure. Before you do, find out who this guy is, if he�s married, and if he has a Facebook page.

Exposure is your friend. Tell her family that she�s having an affair again.

Finally, be ready to bring down the hammer from a legal standpoint. Make it very clear to her that you will not tolerate anything less than 50/50.

Are you ready to leave the Army if necessary? I got out of the Air Force. I did it primarily with the thought that I would save my marriage, but it is the reason why I have the custody arrangement I have.

Think about continuing to serve in the reserves or Guard and consider a Palace Chase transfer (if you guys have that).

I know you�re devastated. I was too. I couldn�t think straight. I couldn�t eat. I felt nothing but dread. But one of two things will happen. You�ll either follow MB, save your marriage, and rebuild using the MB principles or you will end up divorced and either paying out the nose and away from your child or with a fair arrangement where you see your child regularly.

One thing I can guarantee you is that you will end up getting over your WW if you D and you will be grateful you fought for custody, but you must do it right now.

Save all the evidence of what she�s doing online and be prepared to use it against her in court. You�re allowed to because you�re still married and you�re allowed to install any software on your computer (joint property) that you wish.

You�re not thinking straight and you need to. I also made a huge mistake that I didn�t talk to my family about what was going on and I wish I had. You really need that support through this time.

But the bottom line is that you need to snap out of the �Why is this happening to me?� mode and take on an active mode where you regain control of your life.

Snap out of it and take action.