My wife of 10 years is moving out in 9 days. We have four children ages 14 6 5 and 4. She is getting and apartment across the town and I am keeping the house. The kids will be joint custody and we both agreed on no child support. When they stay at who's place will be determined by her work schedule. She is the manager of a KFC and works days, or nights, and at least on weekend day, sometimes both days.

It all started on June 28, 2010. She said she did not like coming home anymore. She has sent me emails in the past stating "we don't do this anymore, I miss that, etc". I would change for awhile but with the 4 kids and both working a lot of hours, we would (or me more) drift apart. Five months later, another talk or email would come in,same story.

So on the 28th she agreed to seek help with me. For the next few days she started guarding her cell, put a lock on it and was always texting. I know she has a lot of 20 something's she works with and she loves the gossip, so I never thought much of it till now.

July 3rd she went out with friends around 8:00 after work and did not invite me. So now I am wondering. I jump on her laptop and BAM...An email to a high school girlfriend saying I was an "[censored]" this marriage was over, etc etc.

The next sentenced started it all..."oh and about Craig, he is 20, real tall, reminds me of someone we hung out in school with. We have not had sex, but he does get me hot and bothered".

I called her, asked who Craig was and got the typical "just a friend I was joking in the email". She came home calmed me down and told me we were working on us.

Four days later, she wants a new car. I fill out the loan app online with her (I am trying to let go of my "controlling ways") and the next day she goes up to the dealer, I meet her and we are ready to buy. I walk outside and ask four questions.

1) Can we afford this car right now? YES
2) Tell me about Craig? Nothing is going on
3) Two nights ago you said you ran into friends at the store, we you texting anyone in that hour? NO
4) Are we working on us? Yes, I would not ask you to do this if I was not committed.

Well I knew for sure there was one lie. What she did not know was that I had been tracking her text messages online with her cell phone carrier. I had the number in question, but could not match it to a person yet. I had a co-worker start to call the number days before until a person picked up.

The very next day, I found his profile on Facebook, he was a friend of hers, name, age, location and place of work all matched. So I had a face. Kept scrolling through his post and BAM....He posted his cell. I have a match

Now over a month, there were thousands of incoming and outgoing texts to this number. For the last week or so I was watching her times out, when I left, when she got home, when she went out back to smoke by herself, etc, etc. She was texting him.

So I called her around 9:30 that morning and told her I wanted to talk and I was coming home. She asked why and I said "tell me about Craig"? She got upset and I said I have the text logs from the cell company. She was busted. Screamed at me and hung up

I got home, she was not there, she called 20 minutes later, asked if we could talk, I said yes and when he got home she was at rock bottom. I laid into her about this and the car, and the kids and told her what in the world is a 35 year old housewife with 4 kids see in a 20 year old punk? She said she missed her 20's (she got pregnant at 20 hence or 14 year old. Not my child, it was from a one night stand before I met her)

So we talked for 20 minutes, she said she wanted to move on and I said ok. She said nothing happen..I bought it

Three days later, "we need to separate" I was shocked. but agreed to share the house and ever other night one of us would leave. This last for a week and the night prior to our first appointment for marriage help, she said "it's over and I am not going". And since that day she does not come home but a few hours to see the kids.

She contacted a lawyer and took what we agreed upon and had a separation document written. She got an apartment and leaves in 9 days.

This past Friday she told me when I asked if she was seeing someone and she said "sort of kinda". I got upset and started my begging crap.

That night we spoke and I asked if she was having sex, she said no. Sunday for some reason I asked again and asked who it was and she said Craig and they just had sex a week ago. However the email I read was dated mid June. So I find it hard to believe it took that long for her to have sex.

After I blew up yesterday we spoke late last night, she laid into me about why she wants out and told me she has never had sex. She said I asked that question so much that she told me what I wanted to hear. She claims I won't look at myself as the reason and she gave a reason to hate her.

Now she no longer works where he does, but I see her from time to time at his work outside smoking with him. She did change her cell # after I caught the text messages, but him not having that number lasted maybe a day.

Like I said he is 20, works maybe 14 hours a week, have a pregnant ex, and is in love with my wife other people have told me.

Since July 19th, I can't say anything to make her stay. I have done this, that, paid for her car to get fixed, sent her flowers, brought her Starbucks at work, etc.

Between the 28th of June and the 19th of July, she told many people how awesome my change was and how much I was the guy she met 12 years ago. So she saw that I was changing because this time I REALLY wanted to.

She told me she has been getting over me for a year. So on the 28th, she was done, not in love.

Well, 3 months prior to this, we just brought home a little boy from Africa that we adopted. She did all the paperwork over the last year and was so excited. However back in October of last year, she told a friend of mine that our relationship was over. She ask "then why adopt?" My wife said, it's too late we can't stop it" That is total bull, you can stop the process at anytime, sure you lose money, but if it needs to stop, you can do it.

So, 12 years together, four kids, tells me she wants out but will work on it, 3 weeks later changes her mind, lies to get a car, messing around with a 20 year old, misses her twenties, went through with an adoption after telling a friend we were done and back in December wrote on her blog how happy she was and loved her kids, me and WOULD NOT give any of that back.

So right now she hates me, is leaving in 9 days and is ready to break up this family. People who work with her tell me she and Craig won't last and he is a "shelter" to her from dealing with our issues". She started smoking again, is buying a lot of beer (we have a joint account she puts money in and I can see it online, I don't put money in there anymore).

So at this point I need to let her go, words can't stop this. Stop being mad at her, focus on the kids and let me see a change.

How long do you think a 20 year old will last with a 35 year old with four kids and he has a kid on the way from an ex?

What is she thinking? How can she justify anything and everything she has done since June not to mention the adoption?

What are your thought on all this and what do you think her outcome is? How long till she "snaps out of it"

Thanks everyone.....

dat - sorry you're here, but this place can REALLY help you. There is A LOT you can do here.

First off, notify a moderator and get this moved to the Surviving an Affair forum. Lots of help there for you and it's a higher traffic forum.

Second, you need to get ready to EXPOSE this affair to EVERYONE. Affairs thrive on SECRECY you need to DESTROY the fantasy. Expose to your family, her family, your kids (without your wife) the OMs family and GF/ExGF. Everyone must know and must hear it from YOU. I know this will be scary, but I promise it is the #1 best tool you have if you want a CHANCE at getting your wife back.

Third, DO NOT under any circumstances leave your house. DON'T DO IT. Stand Strong on this. If your wife wants to leave and go party like a 20 year old - let her, but don't give up your home to enable her.

So what if you already made a verbal agreement on it. Renege. It isn't in your family's best interest for you to cater to the whims of your wayward wife.

At this point you need to Plan A.

Read this thread all the way through. It's a great place to start.

Again sorry you're here. But of all the places to be, this is the best.

Please hit Notify at the bottom of your post and have this moved to Surviving an Affair, where you will get relevant help.

Sorry that you have to be here.

Have you confronted the 20yo?

Thanks...

Two questions

1) how do I get this thread moved like you ais?
2) what does this mean?

So what if you already made a verbal agreement on it. Renege. It isn't in your family's best interest for you to cater to the whims of your wayward wife.

Are you saying I should not keep my house, my bills and share custody with her? We we have a verbal agreement on is, she takes her bills, I take the house and it's bills (TV, Electric, water) and we share the kids bills. The kids address stays my house so they can attend their current school.

So what do you mean by "Renege"?

Thanks again

Oh and to answer your questions:


Not long, at all - especially if you kill this affair with a dose of reality: exposure.


She isn't thinking. She isn't the wife you've loved and raised a family with. That woman is gone. An affair triggers the same chemicals in the mind as an addiction. Your wife is currently on par with a drug addict. She has no judgement, no ability to make rational decisions, and will lie, justify and rationalize her behavior to everyone, including herself. She is an addict to her affair.

You gotta deal with her the same way you deal with any addict.


Hard to say - and a LOT depends on YOU. If you expose and destroy the fantasy, if you execute a stellar Plan A and be strong and courageous fighting for your family - you will have a MUCH better chance. This involves standing up for what is right and refusing to allow your wife to walk all over you.

On average, I believe affairs last 2 years. As relationships they eventually peter out and die a natural death as they are built on lies and fantasy. YOU can make it last a LOT longer.

Also - if he is an employee/coworker - you MUST expose this at the workplace. Especially if she is in a position of authority over him.

K go read - and absorb. Work on your plan.

Yes I have exposed this to my family as well as hers. Brothers, sisters. She no longer works at the same place, she is no longer over him, she does work for the same company, just a diff location.

The person who is over him is her best friend and that person told me that my wife is nuts and has told her that.

My wife and her best friend talk all the time, so I know that opinion is valued.

This guy is for sure 20, works to pay rent and drink beer and get tattoos. That is his words as posted on his Facebook page.

As far as people at his work knowing about it, well I think some know and some might. She cant shut up, and she is there outside smoking with him so everyone can see that.

I have not been in contact with him. He knows I know and he likes to text me and ask he to come see him (he is baiting me) but I don't bite). He is 20 year old loser with no care, I am 35 years old with 4 kids, a job car payments and a house. My kids don't need me in jail and my wife does not need fuel for the courts as to being an unfit father.

dat68, sorry you are here.

Contact the corporate human resource company and send a letter about your W and her employee having an A while she was his manager.

There is a great letter here I think posted by Britbrat that you can use. (Any MBers know where to find). The company could have a serious sexual harrassment case on their hands if the 20 year cries this (See today's story about HP CEO that got fired bc work OW cried sexual harrassment)

Call the car company -- usually there is a 30 days grace period. Do you have car payments? if so you do not pay.

You need legal advice. You do not want your children exposed to this OM under any condition. Go see an attorney (make sure it is free initial visit) and ask what your rights are.

Do you live in a state where you can charge her with adultery for D?

Do not make this easy for her. If you are giving her money, free access to kids and her own love nest -- all this will do is feed her fantasy.

She needs to understand what it will be like for her when you are out of the picture.

Listen to the vets here they will advise you.

On your thread there is a button called "Notify". Click it and request it be moved to SAA. The mods will handle the rest.

I mean you stay at your house. No switching. You pay your bills and for the kids. She pays for her own apartment and bills. If you have CCs cut her off of them. NONE of your money should finance her moving out of the house. NONE.

If you want to work out custody, fine, but your kids stay living with you - in your house.

What's best for your family is a whole, intact, loving marriage. THAT is what you should be fighting for.

Good Idea not taking that bait. Check to see if you can expose to OM family and ex. Refrain from bad mouthing your wife to your exposure targets, just give them the truth, and offer evidence if needed. Even the moms of a lowlife like this have some influence. Check for anyone else with influence such as church leaders, bosses, and anyone else.

Was your wife moved to a different location because of the affair?

Don't worry about the whole, I miss my 20's talk. There is nothing that he can give to her, she knows this, but ignores it because it is not part of the fantasy. My wife said the same things, and it scared me. Some of it is ture, but it is not reality and she is feeding her fantisy. Instead focus on your plan to get things the way they should be.

Your wife is lost at this point, she has totally lost her maturity.....
I say let her go and live an experience she will learn from.....you take care of your children and yourself........
Don't worry about what she is doing.....don't support her in any way, she is making this decision........
When the 20 year old has to deal with 4 kids how long do you think that will last, not long my guess, his plan I'm sure was her and partying no kids, babysitting.....she will realize what a mistake she is making in no time....
If you want to save your marriage, tell her when she comes to her senses and is truly willing to grow up and work on your marriage, you would be willing to talk about it. Until then the two of you have nothing to discuss......
I feel sad she has chosen this path for herself...............

Wheels Spinning....

She was promoted from asst. manager of the store where they met to another location where is the manager. So it had nothing to do with him...I did just send a nice letter explaining what happen to that companies HR department with her name and his and what I have seen there, so exposing to all..

Her family knows, my knows, my 14 year old know (not happy about that because she tells her they are "friends")

What about OM's family? His baby mamma? Are you sure they aren't 'together?'

I assure you, if you make this unpleasant for OM, he will drop her like a hot potato in favor of a younger, less strings attached type of girl.

A 20 year old with a 14 year old step child. Plant that image in his head. College, maybe braces, whatever he'll be picking up the tab for when you are out of the picture.

I'd send him that dose of reality. After all, the 14 year old is your step child. If she leaves, you won't be supporting the step child, he will.

Is that what he wants? Of course not, he's found some "cougar" and he's taking what he can.

Seems the relationship with this 20 year old would be pretty easy to kill. The question is, will your WW then go for another 20 year old to scratch that itch or what?

Maybe invite the young man to have a talk with you in your lawyers office. If he's texting and wants to talk, you can either invite him, or even better, get a restraining order against him.

Use his behavior and the evidence that he's having an affair with your wife to make sure that your three bio kids are protected from this guy.

A restraining order where he cannot come near you or your children might throw some cold water on this affair.

I had the cops here the night he was texting, the cop saw it and 5 minutes after the cop got here my wife should up. The cop called the loser, told my wife to tell him to back off and I texted him and told him to stop or I would press charges.

My wife gave the cop (a female cop) a load of BS that he was friend, had no idea how he got my #, etc.

My wife left to go God knows where and the cop even sensed something not right with her.

I am not sure who the ex pregnant girlfriend is, but in the past my wife claims to be her friend. Not sure if she knows, I would think so, but I will see what I can find out about her

This has got to be the craziest thing I have ever been involved with....Hurts like hell, but crazy no doubt

Do you think emailing her friends that I know on Facebook about this is a good idea?

I mean all of our family knows, he parents are mad at her and I did not know if telling more in common friends would be a good idea?

Thanks everyone your comments and opinions are great.....!

The more people you tell the better. Ask for their help in persuading your wife to end her affair. Tell anyone who has influence over your wife. She will befurious- just let her anger roll off you. Your taking the crack pipe away from the addict. Stand firm. Your new mantra is "I am fighting for my marriage and family".

dat68, I would call punkboy's mommy and see what she has to say. I suspect she is a loser like him because he is so flagrant, but she might surprise you. If my son acted so trashy there would be hell to pay. We have had many parents step in and make a big difference when notified.

ok..I will work up a nice email tonight and blast it out to all our common friends

Thanks

I will need to do some research and find his Mommy...I guess I can check his friends on Facebook and see if she likes him...I think he is from the state north of me so I will do a internet search on his name and see if the parents come up

Good Idea....Thanks...!

Good luck on exposing more, that is your best bet, this should be an easy kill. Hope you find his mommy.

I think I have his home address when he live in the state above me...He lives about 10 mines from me now at a trailer park..

My State has a crime look up site for free...I looked him up weeks ago and he has two open cases...Credit card non payment judgment in May and last July a pot and pot pipe judgment against him....Nice...!

This information is enough for you to file a restraining order against him being around your children. The drug use is enough to get an injunction that he is not allowed to be around them at all.

I would also stop the "verbal agreement" stuff. File for abandonment and get her for child support. Also file for sole physical and legal custody of the children.

Do this AFTER she moves out. She won't have a legal leg to stand on.

Also, find out if your state has an alienation of affection law and then sue the other man on those grounds.

Plan A, Plan B if necessary, but I strongly believe that taking dramatic and full blown leagal action against a WW is a way to wake her up from the fantasty. It will at a minimum secure your rights as a father.

Yes, this is crazy. Keep your head about you, keep coming here for advice, and be strong. Easier said than done.

I'm also advising you from experience. I've been through the legal battles and family court.

Protect your children from this man child.

At this point I will do some research in my state and see what I can do. I do plan to sue her for the house bills for August.

She claims she moved out on the 1st because when I asked for half the mort. payment, electricity, and food, etc. She said I will leave on the first but I can't take any of my stuff until the 18th and I will still come by and see the kids when I am not working...

WTH, that is what you are doing now. Sure you don't shower there or use the laundry room, but you don't have a place of your own...She is just using that excuse to not pay her share

I am going to lay low on issues like this and other till she is gone on the 18th. Then I will unleash it all...Until then, I will do some research on my state and see what I can do and go back and see the lawyer and tell him what I want.

Thanks

Good idea. She can't just move out and not pay her bills anymore. That is not how it works.

Well last Thursday she got a Protective Order against me. She I was trying to hurt her and a judge signed it.

Spoke to just before I got served and she said it was against her and not the house and the kids, I said not true. I can't see the kids for a week nor come to the house but once more with the cops to get my stuff.

She broke down and said it's not that, ran back to court to remove the order but it was too late. Order is against what I said

So today is Sunday, have not seen the house, her or my kids for three days.

She moves out this Wednesday and we have court on Thursday to settle this order. She said she would life the Order however can't get it off my record.

So thanks for lying and placing that on my record!

Before I was served, I sent her the letter in the Surving An Affair book that stated that I did not want to see or talk to her again and that once the affair was over I wanted to create an enviroment that was pleasing to both of us and move forward with her.

I also told her that I would do everything and anything for the kids, but she and I were not to speak unless if was through our common friend Dave. So far that has been the case, yesterday there were a few questions here and there.

The kids have been calling me since Thursday evening. I would say around a dozen times. I have not once answered the call. Kills me, but I don't want anyting used against me on Thursday.

So four days until she leaves and we no longer speak. This is getting more and more painful

You are wrong to not speak with your kids on the phone. Morally and legal position you put yourself in for custody.

You should be able to control what you say to the kids to prevent trouble. However after Thursday the kids should be told the truth.

But if I answer the phone I am breaking the order. I don't want to put myself in jail till Thursday.

Not sure what u mean by me being wrong not to talk to them.... Can u please explain what u mean?

Thanks all alot

As long as you don't initiate the calls you will be OK.

Did the judge say NC with the WW or WW and the kids?

No contact with the wife and the kids and I can't be at the house even if no one is there

So today I got a chance to really talk to a friend who caught his wife cheating 10 years ago. He is a friend of mine for the past 26 years. I knew about it, but we never really sat down and talked.

I also spoke to another friend of 26 years (we all three went to HS together) and he is now a pastor.

Both brought up the same thing that is in the back of my mind. My WW has a medical condition. that is causing her to act this way

For those that have not read my first post, my wife started a anti-depressent daily pill about a year and a half ago once she found out her thyroid was "out of whack" and this cause really bad mode swings and bad PMS

She had a doctors appointment two weeks ago but did not go, (her lawyer appointment got in the way even tough the doctors appointment was scheduled first).

How do I convince my WW to seek help when she moved out today and I can't talk to her? She wont listed to a word I say, she is pissed because I exposed her affair and she tells me she is sleeping with no one. She has told me she is but that is "only so I can blame someone other than myself for the failed mariage".

I am at the point where I am mad, I do wish I could turn back time and be more of a loving emotional husband, but I am more now concerned about her health.

I know the guy she is seeing has a pot drug conviction last summer and she does hang with the 20-22 year old crowd (she is 35) and I know they all drink alot (Facebook posts) and I am sure she is getting high once in awhile, but I don't she is a "drug user" like coke or pills or shooting up by any means.

But how do I convince someone who hates me and won't listed to anyone to get her to seek medical help?

I called her doctor a month ago and he said "get her here and I will talk to her and get blood drawn and check". Easier said then done.

I know how she makes decisions and I know she can be "moved" to do something without thinking out the "real" end result.

For example, when I met her 12 years ago she was sleeping with my friend and he was maaried. This is how I met her. Once she stopped sleeping with him she chased a pipe dream guy to NC and that failed. She then jump to a guy that took about 4 months to cheat on her, so that failed. She called me up and I went down to see her. After a few weeks she said she wanted to move back up here. I said great and she moved back and moved in with my friends (the one she was sleeping with) wife. My friend and I had a falling out so I did not know him anyone and from I found out, he fell back into drugs and just disappeared one day.

So my WW moved in with his wife. Two months later my friend came back and told his wife EVERYTHING and she called my WW and told her she had 4 hours to get her stuff out of her house.

So as you can see, we met under very odd conditions. But bottom line, I don;t care about her past, once we became a couple the past was the past. But this is an example of her thinking at times.

So here we go, she cheated on me with a 20 year old and she has moved out. She is repeating history of not thinking things out and doing stuff that has bad results, EXCEPT for starting a relationship with me. I have never hit her, cheated on her, had her look for my paycheck, never had her worry if I was coming home that night, I have never been without a job, and I have always supported her choice to try new jobs, go back to school, etc.

How do I get her to seek help?????

Thanks in advance to everyone, your comments really do help

Her thyroid condition has absolutely nothing to do with her adultery, so I would stop worrying about it. It she wants to get her thyroidism treated, she will. But she is a big girl who if fully capable of going to the doctor.

In the meantime you have bigger problems on your plate, such as her adultery and her abandonment. I would stay focused on those issues and leave the minutia for another day.

oh ok, so you knew she was like this when you married her and signed on for this. I wasn't aware that you knowingly married a cheater and volunteered for this.

I am sorry you made a terrible choice by marrying this woman.

As long as you don't initiate the calls then you should be ok. No judge is going to stop kids from calling you.

Now, that being said:

You married a disaster. This woman is the type that isn't going to get well just by using MB. She needs deep psych help. Your mountain to climb is massive.

She will continue to be broken, even if she returns.

Your best course of action is to file legal protections for yourself, request a CPS investigation of the conditions your children are in, especially since you know OM does drugs.

You're playing defense in a game designed for people who must fight with offense. The legal ball is rolling and you're waaaaaaay behind.

You're a lost dad. You need to get your head together and accept that while the past is the past, it really isn't. She's cheated with married men and has cheated on her husband. She has no boundaries or respect for marriage.

Why would this change with you?

File legal protections. You need a lawyer immediately and need to protect your children from the exposure to drugs.

Why you would put your children in such danger is beyond me. Get CPS involved. You know there is drug use involved. Have her tested.

Get an order putting the kids with you until she comes to her senses or you D.

Please listen to helpforlostdads. The most important thing is protecting your children from your very destructive wife.

Dr Harley's post to a man over on the weekend forum who is in the same boat as you:

Thank you all for your input. My kids are number 1 and I plan to do what I can do get her away from them and also have the 20 year kept away from him.

I do have one question. Yes when we met she was seeing a married man, yes 4 years prior to that she was seeing a married man. Two years after we met her boyfriend at the time cheated on her.

Does seeing a married person make you a cheater when you arfe single? Does seeing a married person when you are single make you the same as seeing another man when you are married? Do you fall into the same bucket as a cheater either way in your opinion?

Thanks so much for all the replies, they truly do help....

My jaw just hit the floor . . .

Is your wife's current OM single? If he is, do you consider him to NOT be a cheater because, after all he's not married and he didn't make any vows to YOU so he can do what he pleases?

*thud*

It means she has absolutely no respect for marriage and believes in adultery. Your wife is an advocate of adultery, so it should be no surprise to you that she cheats.

Thanks for your input. I did not want to sound stupid when I asked if a single person seeing a married person is also a cheater. I am just new to all this and my mind is racing 10K miles an hour.

I see my lawyer today, I have been taking notes, have a journal of events since June 28th (the day she told me she may want out) and I have all the text messages between us since.

I am going to seek a protective order against him, have the kids looked at by CPS, I am going to sue her for the money see owes me and I am not going to sign her separation agreement her lawyer wrote up into my lawyer picks it apart.

I am not letting her off easy, I will continue to expose this relationship and I will continue to forgive me. I love her and I want to work on this with her. Yes is has cheated, yes I knew about two affairs prior to me. I have no clue if this is her first affair while with me. A lot is unknown. But I do know that I love her and that may sound nuts, but I can't help it.

So first thing is first, protect my kids, get an order against the 20 year old. Get her to pay me the money she owes me.

Get a separation agreement in place that hopefully puts the kids in my custody.

Once the smoke settles from all that, I will have no contact at all with her and I will let me fail on her own. I pray that one day she will see the light and we can get her help, get us help and move forward. However that is so far down the road it's not something I am focusing on now, I am focusing on my children and their well being and protecting myself and getting her to pay bills she walked out on.

As of yesterday she has left the house with the kids and is living in an apartment across town. She did this protective order against me during the final week of when she said she would move out. She did it so the kids would not see me, she could take whatever she wanted from the house and pretty much did it on purpose.

Thanks for all your support and feedback. I welcome more of it and I know what I need to do today! Contact the lawyer with my side and get this ball rolling...

Thanks everyone

Follow your lawyer�s advice. They�ve seen all the dirty tricks (so have judges). There�s a skepticism present when restraining orders are filed and then dropped and no evidence is ever presented about a threat.

Be strong. Keep taking notes. Go get a book on father�s rights. There�s several out there.

In the end you will have to coparent with your ww, but right now you must pull out all the legal guns.

I�m also inclined to tell you that the personality of your WW tells me that it is an exercise in futility to try to reconcile since she has no respect for marriage. She goes with what feels right and not with what IS right and that is a huge thing.

helpthelostdads:

Thanks so much for your advice, I just called my lawyer and will see him soon. Yes the guns are out and I will do whatever I can to make her see what she has done to not only me but the kids

I know the relationship is broken and can't be fixed. But love gets in the way of my thoughts. But that will change in time

Thanks again for the advice.....!

DAT, on the drug testing, insist that she get a hair follicle test and be willing to take one yourself. They cost a little more but check drug use for the last 90 days whereas a standard drug test (pee test) may miss drugs taken 3 days ago.....

LH,

By no means do I pretend to think that what you�re doing is easy. I know loves gets in the way and you are acting contrary to how you�re feeling. Think of Mr. Spock. You need to do what is logical, not what is emotional.

Custody battles are a delicate dance between being on the offensive as a man and appearing vindictive and like the spurned lover out for revenge. This does matter as a man when it comes to custody since we get much less mercy in the court system.

Don�t make accusations of drug use unless you�re sure it�s happening on her end. You can certainly focus on OM and his use however and can file restraints on having the paramour around your kids. That�s often something granted in a normal adultery situation that doesn�t involve your kids.

Are you in a two party state for voice recording? Check the law, but I would carry a voice recorder whenever interacting with WW. Record her if you can. In some states it�s legal to do it if only one party knows they�re being recorded in a conversation (you), but some states require that both people know. This just means that you have to be open about the recording and even state openly that, �you�re being recorded right now.�

Odds are low she will care at first. MANY women automatically assume that family law is on their side. It is and it isn�t. More often than not, men are simply unprepared when it comes to family law or are too emotionally caught up to think straight and mount an effective case against the WW. That�s what lawyers are for. They are paid to think for you.

Trust your lawyer as an experience professional who knows how family law works. Sometimes being a pitbull isn�t the best approach for a man. Perception is reality in family law so it�s important to appear like you�re worried about your children more than yourself and it is also important to appear conciliatory to your WW and willing to be flexible and amicable.

No judge wants to give kids to a person who looks like they have anger problems, which is going to be her MO to get you.

Thanks for the advice helpthelostdads

I see the lawyer at 4:00 today and will see what he thinks will work and what wont.

In my state you cant record phone calls unless both parties know. Plus the fact that we don's see each other nor talk on the phone. all of our communications have been via text messages and I have 7 weeks worth all printed out.

Nothing much in them other then one, she admitted last wednesday that she is in fact dating this guy. She told me this only after I contacted her HR department and she told me that is what she told them. He left his job so they could date

I have many times had her tell me they are together and are having sex, but that was in over the phone and I can't record them and if I tried and she knew, she never would have said it.

Thanks

So when I said we don't talk on the phone, I really meant to say "maybe once a week"...but not at all now

Yes, he knows she's married but sees her anyway. Who cares what label you put on it, he's not quality material. Cheater, womanizer, bum, opportunist, the label doesn't change the destructive effect his participation has on your marriage.

well I went to court this past Thursday, she dropped the protective order and filled for divorce. We agreed on a few things, joint custody for now and no support. I of course will support the kids, but not her

She got her apartment and moved out last week. She is no longer allowed in the house and I have changed the locked.

As far as the money she owes me, my lawyer advised letting that go until the divorce hearing. That and getting her to see a shrink for whatever she is thinking not taking care of the kids since July 11th

I took the kids to the beach this past Friday and I am home now, the kids stay there with my parents until Wednesday and then to their mothers for three days.

So I came home after a week of not allowed here and she pretty much took her stuff and trashed the house. I have been cleaning all day and I am 80% done.

So here is my question, how do I stop running the events of the last two plus months to stop? I workout everyday, I do Ironman's and I work a 40 hour week. Even sitting on the beach with the kids would not stop these thoughts.

I have spoken to her via email over the last fews days. Just because school starts next week for the kids and my daughters birthday is Saturday.

I even found myself yelling at myself to stop thinking about the last two months.

So far in the emails, I have been more than nice to her. I did talk to her mother via email and we got into it because she is loaner her money stating that I have not paid for anything for the kids which is not true. She has heard my side and now her daughter is lying to her to get money.

Thanks

You should NOT be contacting her! You are in plan B, even if it ends in divorce, you need to GO DARK DARK DARK! If she wants to discuss anything about the kids then get an IM to help you with that.

thanks

I will cut those ties off today. That was my plan B and I need to get back to it today

Thanks for helping me stay the course. I will update everyone again in a week or so.

Thanks everyone for the support!!!!!!!!!!!

So here is a little update from this week.

My wife came over Tuesday to grab a few more things from the house. She and I did not speak other than a few items about the kids. She went to leave and said "ok talk to you later" and I said ok goodbye

Wednesday she came to pick up the kids and was cold. Not that I was trying to talk to her, but she was just cold

Well my daughter turned 4 yesterday and I had a party for her. Had about 20 people over. My wife was not invited of course and she vented to her mom that she was not and even posted on FB about how she was not invited. A few friends were like "duh" why would you be invited? That was not posts they made to her, but to me

So yesterday the time changed as to when she was dropping them off went from 1:00 to 10:00 to 6:00 to 4:00. So I had to change the party time twice. She was pissed that she was not invited and wanted to mess with me.

Yesterday around 11:30 she sent me a text saying "can I drop the kids off at 1:00?" I said no, 6:00

She said she needed to take her car to get worked on and asked why she could not drop them off earlier.

I told her I would be home by 1:00 but needed at least an another to put my daughters bike together for her birthday

So I said 3:00 would be fine with me.

She then asked "why the change?" I said what change?

She said "why did you say no and then yes?"

I explained that I understood she needed to get her car fixed and that I have changed and I want to be helpful.

Of course seeing my kids 3 hours earlier was behind my giving in, but I wanted her to see how understanding I have become and that I am changing.


So here are my questions:

Why so upset about not being invited to the party?
Why nice one day and cold the next?
Why would she ask "why the change?"

Also when she arrive yesterday to drop off the kids, she walked in like we were "normal". She made a few comments about the kids, asked to see the school paperwork I got the day prior, she asked me to this and that for the kids, made a few other comments and I just said "umm hmm, ok" and really focused on the kids being back.

WTH, is going on with her?

Thanks everyone for the continued input, it's been VERY HELPFUL...!

-DAT68

Well it's been two weeks since the wife left and three weeks since we had a disagreement. Until this morning.

We had an argument when she dropped off one of my son's this morning as to who had to leave work early and get them off the bus. Of course she said me and walked out, so it ended up being me.

We spoke on the phone after she left and she complained and today is my day with the kids and I MUST get them. Not recalling that my mom watched them all week except today and saved us an entire week in daycare fees.

All three kids start daycare Tuesday so no more fighting over that.

In the last three weeks I have done my best to avoid her calls, when she texts or emails. All have been about the kids so I need to address them. It just makes me cringe when I see something come in.

As far as us exchanging the kids or the first day of school when she was here for an hour, she has been "nice". Almost trying to show me we can be friends I think.

I on the other hand am short to speak, nice and I get the hell away from her. Why? Because I am in PISSED OFF MODE for what she has done not only to me but our 4 kids.

So today when we are discussing the daycare thing, she made comment that she filed for divorce. She said the papers have no one sided custody and no child support from either. She understands that if she wanted support it would force me to sell the house and the kids would basically lose the house they know as home.

My one son does not like going to her place which is a two bedroom apartment and last night, my other son who did go wanted to come home but ended up staying.

So after the divorce filing talk, I asked her if she was happy? She said is an angry voice, YES!

So she still has anger in her towards me, everything is my fault.

My oldest is 14 and not my birth daughter, she wants NOTHING to do with me and my wife tells me I need to try with her which I want to. My wife then asked if I wanted her to talk with her and I said no. Basically, I tried to talk to my wife before she left and it did no good, so by her talking to our 14 year old and trying to "make" her talk to me, makes my wife want to force something on her daughter that I tried to force on her.

Sorry I am all over the place, I just don't understand all of this and why she is so nice and wants to "friends" but anger when I ask her if she is happy now.

Any advice / comments sure would help

Thanks

-DAT68

Dat - it is hard to advise you because I have no clue what you are doing.

What are your goals?

What do you want?

What is your plan?

My wants are for her to come back, drop the A and leave her apartment, move back in and we rebuild our marriage

My Goal? Other than my want, I am not sure if they are different. Tell me what I am wrong in saying that please

My Plan:
For right now, not a lot of contact, and for her to "hang herself" and see that she made a mistake and by me not speaking to her or helping her with money, I plan to make her see that. She asked me for money yesterday. Not a lot, 30 bucks. Seems odd that she has been gone two weeks and already needs 30 bucks. Not 300, but a low 30

-DAT68

dat,

The best advice I can give you is to go to a Plan B. Cutoff your contact with her. Don't talk to her or see her if you can avoid it.

As far as answering her about the kids....

Don't. Unless there is blood on the floor or someone is about to die. That's the advice I got from a parenting coordinator while my ex and I were going through the withdrawl phase.

See, you're in that now. I see it with your interactions with her.

The best thing to do is to not deal with her at all unless it is an emergency. If she gets mad, then simply say that there is no need for you guys to communicate unless it involves the kids and then only if it is something really important.

Really imporant is doc appointments, school appointments, etc.

Otherwise, stick to the schedule setup exactly as it is written through the papers (you have temporary orders?).

Don't deviate from them one bit.

You will eventually be able to, but for now you really can't. It will simply lead to conflict.

Trust me as a man who was in your shoes. You don't need to talk to her, even about the kids, unless it is truly important.

Thanks for the advice

Last night she sent me a text about something and I replied with a "please do not contact me in any way unless it is a 100% Emergency about the kids, I no longer wish to communicate with you in any way because of what you have done"

I got a reply back that my request was stupid and maybe I am unstable and should not have the kids (whatever that means)I think she us just pissed off.

Our court order from two weeks ago states ZERO contact except for her emailing me her work schedule every Friday. So I am not asking for something new, I've said it before and so has the court

So I ignored it and went on watching cartoons with the kids. It was late and two of the three were already asleep

Thanks to everyone for the help and support. I will update everyone as time goes on

-DAT68

dat, I know it sucks, but it gets easier and easier to ignore her rants. IT actually becomes comical at one point.

You don't need her to figure things out about the kids. You can do that on your own. You're doing well. It sucks, but you're doing well and you will eventually accept the new reality.

It takes a while to feel normal again. It took me about 3 years to finally feel normal again.

Took a toll on my heart, too. Keep tabs on your own ticker. This process is killer on the BP.

Hello:

Well it's been awhile and my wife wants to fix our marriage.

As of 9 days ago we have decided to seek counseling and work on the marriage. I flip flop back and forth on if I should do this or not.

Some days I want to some days I can't get this other man out of my mind.

I am looking for responses from men that have taken their cheating wives back.

What made you decide to do it?
How to fight back the pain?
Do you trust at "all" now?
Did it work out?

I am all over the place I know. My wife wants to take it slow and we have held hands, kissed and sat arm in arm on the sofa and watched TV, but she seems so far away from me and I feel like I am heading down a path of a long long recovery and I just can't make up my mind if I need another round of pain.

Thanks in Advance

-DAT

What kind of time line has happened since 9/5/2010.

Pain lessens in time with all things.
Trust? Is WW tranparent, gave you full access to verify NC, answered all your questons about the affair?

I'll guess that OM dumped WW.

dat, is your WW HOME?

Dat why are you nleaving us hanging here?

Well I have not posted in the 3rd of December. December has been a MESS to say the least.

My WW moved out to a two bedroom apartment with her 14 year back in August, since then I have our three children full time (except every other weekend). I hired a PI to follow her and also the fact that she kept giving me the three kids back on her nights.

So fast forward to the Friday prior to Thanksgiving. She called me and told me her daughter who is 14 now hates her. Is asked if I would help? I said yes and she also told me her affair with the 20 year old is now over. She told me THEY agreed to part ways.

So I got help for her 14 year old (when I say her 14 year old, this girl has been my daughter for 12 years, I just don't have any legal rights to her and never have).

So we get her into see a counselor. Less than a week later, my WW comes over for Thanksgiving and we decide to give this a try. We agree that we have both done bad things and sad bad things to each other and we agree to see a marriage counselor.

So we go, the first meeting was bad. I had a lot of anger and it did not go well.

After that first meeting around December 7th, we had good days and bad. The issue I had was her commitment to rebuilding. She came and went as she pleased, she still went out with friends to bars (male and female friends) and gave me time when she wanted to.

One Tuesday morning we were talking and she told me two guys came over to her apartment to watch the football game the night prior. She told me they were friends and since she told me after the fact, it was ok and I should be ok with it.

So three days later we went to our 2nd appointment. I told her I was drawing a line in the sand and I would not continue this unless she gave up all male friends I did not know and all friends that knew the guy she had the affair with.

Needles to say, she did not like this and was pissed and said no.

The next day was Christmas eve. We spent the day together just the two of us, things were ok and I gave into the friends request I had made.

We went to Church that night and went to her place after with all four kids. As I was alone in the living room I opened her laptop and right there was here Facebook page open with emails to the guy she had the affair with.

I learned three things:

1) He dumped her back in November and she was begging him to come back the entire month of December
2) She was trying to have one foot in that life and one in mine and she really did not want me but more access to the kids. Too be honest, she would not call or show up on weekends and also on weekdays, so access to the kids seemed to fade over the weeks in December.
3)She used me. When the guy she had the affair with dumped her, she ran to me for help with her daughter and as a safety net.

I confronted her about this that night and she denied it all. I said lets go back in and open your laptop and read them together, she got pissed and asked me to leave her place which I did.

Since that time, I found out she has five cell phones on her account and three are friends

She applied for a loan with another guy she calls a friend

She is telling the three kids we have together that I lie to them about this and that.

Its been a mess and I feel like a a$$ for even thinking she had changed and wanted to work on this.

And to add insult at the last moment, Christmas Eve after she and I spent the day together and I gave in on her friends, she added the guy she had the affair with as a friend on Facebook and emailed him right after I left that afternoon and told him to block my name to his account so I could not see that they were friends again...

Uggghhhh..........!

Time to leave friend.

She's obviously all messed up.

Or at least a deep dark Plan B.

Do you have an IM that would help with the kids?

Powerbane:

Yeah its time to move on.

What does IM mean in regards to the kids?

Thanks

I agree you my friend is passed due for a plan b.

Find an Im

Write ur letter and post it

Block her from ur cell, email, fb, etc

Change ur locks

Stay dark dark dark!

Good luck

Dat,
Agree with everyone - time to move on and out of your WW's drama life.

Gg