Me and hubby have been married for 10 years and have 3 kids ages 9,7, and 5. For the past month my husband has been spending more time at work, before this he couldn't wait to get home from work. For the most part we had a pretty good marriage.

Three weeks ago I was hit by a drunk driver and received cervical (shoulder) and neck injuries I am currently trying to recover from.

Two weeks ago I was getting something out of the rental car and noticed some gifts with his alma mater on them in the back seat of the vehicle, I asked about the gifts since I didn't recall him purchasing them first he jokingly said he purchased them and it didn't look like something he would waste his money on. He then confessed that a co-worker purchased them for me. I thought it was odd because whenever my hubby has received gifts from co-workers and students (hubby is an educator) he has always shown me no matter how big or small the gift is. From that point on I just kept getting this gut feeling something wasn't right. Well he finally confessed the gift was from a female co-worker, but said he would return it if I had a problem with it.

But I did think much into since I was so busy trying to concentrate on physical therapy, insurance companies, and dectectives who are bringing charges against the drunk driver.

Friday he comes home with this tupperware with half eaten food in it and asks me to wash it so he can bring it back to work on Monday. Then he made the comment about me being suspicious about the food when I had not noticed until I got home. I asked who gave him the food and he said a co-worker that I know not the woman who brought him the gift. The co-worker he claims brought him the food is someone I knew and trust. So I left it alone but just started feeling a pit in my stomach.

Friday night this female co-worker sends him a text asking can she call him. That is when I just knew something wasn't right and he called me paranoid. Leading up to this past Saturday he kept telling me he was going to his co-worker (a male friend) house to watch the game. But I just didn't believe him for some reason. I called constantly while he was gone the first 5 times he didn't even answer the phone. Then the 6th time he answered the phone I asked him about some money that was missing and he confirmed he took it for gas money since the guy lives quite a distance away.I could tell he was outside talking to me and I told him to go inside all I could hear was wind and he refused.

When he got home over an hour later he guilted me for being paranoid and calling so much while he was with the guys. I was feeling really guilty at this point I didn't want to look like some psycho but when he didn't answer me the first time I got very uneasy.


On Sunday I pick my hubbys phone and go through his text and saw a text that said "I just wanted to make sure everything was okay with you today and I just assumed since it was under a guys name it was one of his friends checking up on him from Saturday and me calling so much.

Monday morning while he was in the shower I just went through his cell phone again (I just kept having this feeling in my gut) and under that same cell number I saw a message that said " I can't stop thinking about you to even concentrate on the work I need to finish up". At this point I had it, I confronted my husband and he confessed he was with the female co-worker (yes the same one who brought the gifts) on Saturday and admitted he lied to me about being at the male co-workers home.

What upset me so much is leading up to that Saturday he kept telling me he was going to this male friends house to watch the football game, it feels like he was just setting it up all along to see this woman. I then confront him about the food from Friday he confessed the same woman also went out of the way to make him lunch and would have felt bad if he didn't eat it. By the way this female co-worker knows he is married.

He insists him and this woman are nothing but good friends, but if they are such good friends why hide everything about her. He said he was worried about how I would have a problem with the nature of their friendship. He claims on Saturday he went to tell her he couldn't be friends with her anymore, but he didn't want it to cause problems in our marriage. It doesn't take an hour to do that and he could have easily told her that on Monday. He said they started talking about work related stuff after that and then left to go home.

He also confessed that 2 weeks ago this female co-worker told him she had developed deep feelings for him. It hurts so much knowing he spent all this time with her knowing how she felt about him. What hurts the most, is the time when I needed him the most I am going to physical therapy everyday and am in a lot of pain physically and emotionally and he just goes lies to me and spends time with this woman. Also he claims he told her they couldn't be friends anymore on Saturday, then turns around on Sunday and texts her 4 times and she texted him 3 times (including the text where she said she can't stop thinking about him).

This has caused lots of arguments lately with us. He swears up and down he has never cheated on me with her. He knows I am considering leaving the marriage because of this situation. But today just took the cake, he said I can't believe you don't trust me just because the woman has feelings for him. I told him I trusted him until he lied to me. He then said you got what you wanted you didn't want us to be friends anymore and we won't be. I said you can go back to be friends with her, but I seriously doubt I can stay in the marriage if you do. His response was well it is too late you already scared her off.

He keeps saying I love you and only you. He also said he doesn't want to be with her, but he valued their friendship (after only 2 months of knowing her). He just wants to move past it and I am just so angry about everything (hubby, drunk driver, etc).

What worries me the most is me and hubby started out as good friends. What make matters worse are they are co-workers. I don't think I can handle this it is just to much on my plate and my doctor said I have PTSD from the accident.

I want to trust my husband, but I also feel I need to get some kind of recorder to put in the car to make sure he isn't still talking to her. But I just feel like such a fool, but at the same time I just so frustrated about my physical limitations from the accident that is kind of preventing me from investigating this the way I want to.

I am seriously leaning towards divorce if I catch him lying. Please advise me on how best to proceed. Did I handle it wrong? Sorry post so long and rambling I kind of drugged from all the medications I am currently taking. Thanks in advance

Sorry I just found the newly betrayed poster thread.

How old are you? How old is your WS(wayward spouse)? Me 32, WS 34

Do you have any children? How old are they? 9,7,5

How long have you been married? Is this the first marriage for both of you? 10 years and yes first marriage for both

How did your WS meet their AP? At work

How long did the A last? ?????? Good question

How did you find out about the A? Saw text from OW

Have you ordered the book Surviving an Affair by Dr Harley? Have you read it? No but plan on getting next week

Oh boy. I am so sorry you are here, SH, and I wish I had some good news, but I don't. The basic problem is that as long as your H continues to see the OW every day at work, the affair will continue. It may go further underground and it may be on again, off again, but she has triggered something in him that is so powerful that he was willing to forfeit everything dear to him in life: his marriage, his reputation, his career and his children's family. This is a powerful addiction.

As long as he works there, you will continue to catch them. One of them will have to leave the job in order for him to withdraw, which is necessary for the marriage to recover.

Your marriage can recover, but the first step is to end contact.

Is this OW married?

Welcome to MB. Yes, your WH (wayward husband) is having an affair with a coworker. Sorry this is happening to you but glad you found this place.

The good news is that there is a lot you can do. Start by reading everything you can find on Plan A and Plan B. Go to the Articles link at the top of this page and start there.

Your WH is lying to you and gaslighting you (Google "gaslighting spouse" and you will see what I mean.) They all do this. Don't believe a word he says and don't let him make you feel guilty and paranoid. You are absolutely right to be worried about your marriage and to want to protect your family.

Read up on Plan A and then come back here with your questions. And hang in there. He's no different from any other WH, though you can be sure he thinks his affair is unique and special. It's not.

OW is not married she is a single mother. My husband signed a contract until the end of this school year. We were actually talking about him quitting his job, because according to him he doesn't feel like working for the district he is currently at. It is kind of ironic you mention triggering something in him so powerful, because my husband is kind of solitary introverted kind of guy. He told me the only other woman he was good friends with like he is with this woman is me. I have been researching the divorce laws in the state (TX). I feel like my whole world is crashing down on me. Thanks so much for listening.

SH, your marriage is very salvagable if he can get out of there. What if he went to his principal and told him about his affair and asked to be transferreed?

If he can get out of there, your marriage CAN be saved. But if he won't get of there, this is is hopeless.

Funny, the same thing happened to another poster, hopeeternal. A single mother teacher pursued her H and they are now separated. This isn't in Ft Worth, is it?

I am trying to read everything. Thanks for gaslighting spouse thing I am reading about right now. That describes my situation, he kept telling me I was paranoid and it was all in my head until I saw the text from the OW. Only then did he confess, what I think is only some it. That is why I am seriously considering putting some kind of listening device in the vehicle. I feel so awful for my children first accident now this, I wish I could shield them from this whole mess.

We are in the DFW area, not Ft. Worth. He is at a much smaller district. This single mother in my case seems to also be looking for a father figure for her child, since the child' father is not involved in the child's life. I wonder if he could transfer. But all he wants to do is quit, he wants to teach but not at the district he is currently at. He offered to change his cell, but I said it does no good if you are still at the same place of employment. His biggest concern seems to be the financial hit we would take with me not currently working. But we have been through hard financial times before at one point we were both unemployed.

Can he get another job now? Or transfer until the end of the year so he doesn't go without a job?

It might be a good idea to swap cell phones now. Can you just switch phones with him? That does not address the overall problem but it is something for now.

I would also get a voice activated recorder and put it in his car. [without his knowledge] You can buy them at Walmart and velcro it under his carseat. Check out the Spying 102 thread here.

Another suggestion is to find this skank on facebook and copy and paste all her facebook friends in a WORD doc for potential future use. If this affair doesn't end, you will need this information to expose the affair.

When's the last time you put a good friend's phone number under another name? Sorry, sh, he's definitely having an A with this woman. Going to her house to 'end the friendship?? Typical wayward excuse.

This A needs to be exposed, sh. Can you document your snooping? Are these texts still on his phone? Can you forward those texts to your phone or email? (the email can be tricky, though - forward it to your email directly from his phone, not yours. You might lose the cell phone id that will prove it's from his phone)

Start looking - what else can you find? Can you put a VAR in his car? Take pictures of the 'gifts' she bought him or keep them somewhere. Don't expose without solid evidence, and don't let him know about exposure. You don't want to tip your hand.

Can you do this, sh? It will more than likely save your M and family.

Now he begging me to give our marriage another chance. But keeps asking for forgiveness and for us just to move forward. I should concentrating on recovering from my accident, but I am just so angry and hurt.

Okay. Tell him that's what you want, too. And START SNOOPING.

Is he willing to take the necessary steps to move forward? Is he willing to EARN your forgiveness? A wayward often wants forgiveness but is rarely willing to do what is necessary to earn it.

You will recover from the car accident LONG before you recover from his affair. That is IF he takes the necessary steps, such as ending all contact for life and taking steps to affair proof your marriage.

Translation: He wants you to shut up, stop asking questions, get off his back and act like nothing ever happened. Then he'll go back to having both a wife AND a girlfriend in peace, because that is what he really wants.

Unless and until he writes the OW a No-Contact letter that YOU send, and turns over all passwords to phones, computers, etc. to you - his words and promises mean nothing.

Do not go by what he SAYS he'll do or what he SAYS he wants. Only go by what he *actually does.*

Sorry you are here, struggling. You are getting great advice from some MB superstars

A couple of things:

You mentioned the car accident & the PTSD...and as you might have realized, dealing with a wayward spouse, especially one that is still in contact with the OP is extremely stressful & painful and can also cause PTSD. Are you on ADs? Might want to consider talking to your dr about that. They helped my sister a lot following her dday.

Next learn about lovebusters. Again especially since the regular BS emotions are compounded with the other things that you have going on in your life, management of LBs is going to be important for you. If you feel an angry outburst or name-calling session coming on, leave the room, take a shower, go for a ride...

I want to alert you that it's in the WS script to try to get the BS to go along with continued contact. I sense this is his tactic when your H takes a mention of transfering and escalates it to altogether quitting. Sounds like he is trying to scare you so that you will back off the transfer talk. I would push for the transfer and let him know the M isn't going to work with OW in the picture.

Hang in there!

I will ask him about getting a transfer ASAP. I am very tempted to call HR on my own and ask about transfers within the district. It has been done with a teacher who had a falling out with the principal last year. So I know it is definitely possible.

He only told me her last name. Once I get her full name I definitely plan on putting this out in the open. Hubby has a close friend/co-worker whose wife left him for another man 3 years ago and he absolutely hates and doesn't support cheating. He not only was angry with my husband for cheating, but was also mad that my husband tried to use him as an alibi for Saturday. He had no idea what was going on. He was the one who told me she was new to the district and barely knows her. He told me he would look up information on her and email it back to me.

Hi Struggling, welcome to MB. I don't get on MB too much anymore during the day (they blocked it at my job!) but I do keep up through my Google account. I'm also in the DFW area. Most of the schools around here have websites that list email addresses for the teachers. Part of your exposure will need to be to the school where he is a teacher. Go to the website and copy down important emails (principal, counselor, co-workers, administration, HR, etc.) and save them for when you do your exposure.

Right now though, continue to gather your evidence quietly.

Get "Surviving An Affair" ASAP! It's the Bible around here for helping you get through this.

Hopefully your WH is serious about trying to fix this but as someone else said, go by his ACTIONS not by his words.

Hang on girl, you've just boarded the rollercoaster.

I would be sure and expose the affair to Human Resources. This way they can be on alert and watch the OW and your H until they get them separated. They will investigate the OW for morals violations. At least that is what they did in the Ft Worth case.


I would ask him for her name RIGHT NOW. If he won't tell you I can only conclude that his intent is to protect his affair at your expense. That is absolutely unacceptable to NOT have the full name of this enemy of your marriage and family.

He finally went to bed a few minutes ago and I will try to forward the text to my email and my cell phone. The gifts are still at our house. I actually wrote down all the times they texted and called one another. What makes me so sick is she was calling him while he was enroute to see me in the hospital after the accident. My husband is not an innocent at all, but some women are truly scum calling a married man while he is going to see his wife in the hospital. She also texted him during oldest DD9 award ceremony. This is just beyond disgusting. It seems like the more I dig the sicker it gets.

I would plan on paying a visit to skankyhola and putting the fear of God into her. Let her know hell is coming her way if she contacts your H again. She should hear from you everytime you find contact.

Just leave your pistol in the car.

Additionally, if she won't stay away, you could expose her sleazy behavior to her facebook friends and family. That will teach her to chase married men. SusieQ's sister exposed her H's affair at school and confronted the OW. They ran her off and are in recovery today.

OMG you guys are describing my H completely.
Mulan- you are exactly right he doesn't want me asking any questions about the situation and getting information out of him is like pulling teeth.

SusieQ- I think I will need the AD, because I just feel like it just too much and consumes my thoughts constantly. I am trying to control my angry outburst. I am not saying it is ever a good time for an affair. But I am so furious that at the time when I needed him the most he decides to check out emotionally. I need to do a better job of controlling my emotions.

Maritalbliss and PrincessM- I will continue to quietly collect evidence. I want to make sure all my ducks are in line when I inform the district, our family and friends of what is going on.

MelodyLane- Thanks so much you seem to know exactly just what to say (all of you guys do). I am going to demand her name. But will also get additional info on her from my H close friend.

I am so sorry you are here. You are getting great advice, though. Please do not tell your H what you find when you snoop, but gather your evidence and keep it somewhere safe. Do not tell him you are going to expose him. If your H has access to your email account, go to a free site like hotmail and create a new email address and a password only you know, and forward everything there so he cannot erase it.

You are not dealing with the H you love. You are dealing with someone who took leave of his senses. The rules changed because he changed them.

My H (and the OW) were forced to resign their positions. It would be better to get your H transferred or in a new job. Do you have enough money to make it until the next school year if he doesn't work until then? If you can't get him transferred, can you have him quit and scrape by until next school year when he can start another job? I know it's scary, but having him stay in the job he is in will keep the A going. If you have choose between the job and marriage, what will you do?

If want to confront her so bad. You are definitely in my head. Every new employee to the district gets a probationary contract for the first year or two. So it will be much easier for the district to get rid of her, since she is on her probation period.

A skank ho who chases married male coworkers is a liability risk they should want to get rid of quickly.

I would most certainly report her to Human Resources in addition to exposing to her family on facebook. This is probably not the first time she has done this.

Jobs come and go. In some ways I want to file for divorce and in some ways I want to make it work. If that makes any sense to you. I pick marriage over job

You want to file for divorce becasue you are mad. You won't be mad forever. But you will be divorced forever!

It is very possible to save this marriage if you can just get them APART. As long as one of them leaves the job this can be saved!

How much evidence do you think would be sufficient? Do you think the text msgs and the gift would be enough? Should I gather more evidence, like for instance the VAR and H actually has GPS capabilities on his cell phone. Or should I wait to have enough evidence so if I decided to divorce it would help my case. I would like to make my marriage work, but at the same time protect my children in case it got to that point. I know TX is a no fault divorce state, but from what I understand certain circumstances could help tip things in your favor.

You are so right I am very mad. Everytime I think about it and just look at all the lying and sneaking I just want to throw my hands up and say forget it. I do love my husband and our family. I am so angry, he keeps apologizing for the situation. But it definitely makes it no better. I can't think of nothing else but this. How can he put me through all this and expect me to forgive and forget like nothing happened.

Text messages and gifts will be sufficient to expose at school and to her family on facebook. [we have a sample letter you can send to her contacts - space the letters out a minute apart so fb doesn't shut you down for flooding]

Go ahead and place the VAR and GPS so you can watch for any resumptions - very common.

You can file on grounds of adultery in Texas and have the skank hauled into court and forced to give sworn testimony under oath about her affair. They can also subpoena all her cell phone and email records under discovery.

excerpt rom Can't We Just Forgive and Forget?

by Dr Willard Harley

"To make matters worse, whenever a wayward spouse sees me for counseling there is rarely regret and rarely a willingness to compensate the offended spouse. They usually ask to be forgiven, but that doesn't mean he or she is deeply remorseful. It usually means that he or she doesn't want us to bring up the subject anymore, or require a change in behavior. In other words, the wayward spouse wants the pain suffered by the offended spouse to be ignored or forgotten. Like a $10,000 debt, they want it forgiven, and then they want to borrow another $10,000.

I'm in favor of forgiveness in many situations, but this isn't one of them. In the case of infidelity, compensation not only helps the offended spouse overcome the resentment he or she harbors, but the right kind of compensation helps restore the relationship and prevents the painful act from being repeated.

In most cases, an offended spouse would be stupid to forgive the wayward spouse without just compensation. It's like forgiving a friend of the $10,000 he owes you, when it's actually in the friend's best interest to pay you in full because it would teach him how to be more responsible with money. "
here

I think you need as much evidence as you can get. And don't let him know you are gathering it.

GPS information is good. Keyloggers are good. Voice Activated Recorders in his car are good. If the OW has a facebook account, go on facebook and get the names of all of her friends, so that when you expose you can send the message to everyone. If any of the emails you find between them are also cc'd to someone else, save that email address also. I actually got the OW's H's email because she forwarded an email she sent him to my H. I sent him copies of everything I found when I exposed, and cc'd her at the same time, while telling him I would testify in court against her during their divorce.

Be careful, though. When I snooped, I found secret email accounts they had and photos they sent each other of each other naked or of them having sex. I've seen everything. It's been over a year and I am having trouble getting the photos out of my head. (they helped the OWH get a divorce and custody though because she had websites and posted them on the websites.) If you have a friend or family member that knows, have them look at any photos you find, ok?

And, one more thing - please go to your doctor and get tested for STDs. I hated going, and I did it, and because I sobbed through the whole procedure, my doctor gave my anti-depressants which were in place and working as more and more events happened. They helped.

Those [censored]! Can't you get some kind of compensation for that??? LOL - sorry, back to the thread...

FWIW, sh, I think you may have uncovered this A in its formative stages. That's good, and bad. It's good because they haven't had a lot of time to bond. It's bad because they may still be in their "puppy love" stage. Either way, they'll be sloppy and leave clues - waywards aren't tidy people.

Make either way work for you. You can't monitor them at work all day, but can you show up at lunchtime unannounced to join WH for a surprise lunch with you? Can you be somewhere in the parking lot at the end of the day to watch who he walks out with?

I think a VAR will be a good investment for you. Get one today. Check WalMart, try RadioShack. Another poster says RS doesn't carry them anymore, but try anyway. Don't get a cheap one - their reception is poor. Plan to spend at least $50.

Your H's friend is a HUGE resource. He will be helping you - and that's excellent!

Suit up, girl. You're going to get your marriage back.

Hi there and I'm sorry as well you ended up here, you are lucky there are a great deal of good folks here that can walk you through the steps to save your marriage, exposure is your only way to stop the affair, it's no fun when everyone is watching...
Start telling everyone that is important to him and that might be able to influence him, people who will be friends of the marriage.....
Tell his family, co-workers, your family and make sure the OW is exposed as well so her family can interject with her as well.
Your husband will have to be completely open with all his correspondence with anyone else.....phones, comp, his whereabouts at all times.....
Remember he is in the affair fog, he won't say normal things, he will want it all to just go away so he can protect himself and the OW......
You have the opportunity to speak up and tell him what it will take for you to stay in the marriage, if he isn't willing then give him his walking papers.....
Get yourself into the doctor, get some meds that will help you get through all the turmoil you will feel......get some therapy to help you, if he will join you that would be great as well.......
It sounds like there is hope in saving this marriage.......you have the right to be angry and hurt, he didn't have the right to do this to you and your family, he made a promise not to and he should look inside himself and figure out how he could have let this happen.......
My advice would be, stay calm, put a plan together and then stay strong and the most important thing here is to stay patient, this will take time to heal and it will take time to trust again and to believe in that man you married,
It takes time to come out of that fog he is feeling......if he is willing and remorseful you two have a shot .....
good luck