Received notice today from my attorney that I can no longer be in "plan b" and if I refuse to not contact my WH when it comes to the children and such, they will take me to court and FORCE me to. If I don't, I will be in contempt of court. Great.... first I am the one who gets left by my idiotic WH who thinks the grass is greener elsewhere. Now, I can't even HEAL b/c I have to have constant contact with this moron.

anyone else have this problem? Ugh... so sick of the crap!

neverlosefaith, many WS's make these kind of threats to force you to contact them. Your attorney needs to get off his [censored] and defend you from this. There is absolutely no information that needs to be conveyed that can't be conveyed through an IM. I would tell your attorney that you are following the best plan for your mental health and for your marriage that is prescribed by leading psychologist, Dr Bill Harley and he needs to defend you.

Keep in mind that most attorneys only want to facilitate an "amicable divorce" so they will take the lazy, easy way if allowed. If you have any trouble wtih this, I would email Dr Harley and ask him to write a letter for you.

We have had other WS's pull this stunt, and one such BH's attorney presented the information below to the WS's attorney and they dropped the threat. Keep in mind, almost EVERY WS threatens legal action when their BS goes into Plan B, it usually blows over when the BS doesn't run scared at the first shot. The last thing the WS wants is to have you explain in court WHY you don't want to be around him.

This is what another member used to neutralize this threat:

Plaintiffs' adulterous affair has been traumatic to the entire family, most especially the defendant. Reknowned psychologist and leading US expert on adultery and families, Dr. Willard Harley, author and founder of Marriage Builders, likens the trauma of an affair to rape. It is Dr. Harley, among other experts, who recommend ceasing direct communication with the adulterous spouse to lessen the emotional pain of witnessing the affair first hand.

Dr. Willard F. Harley, Jr:

Quote: "The problem with a coninuation of contact is that it usually leads to severe emotional symptoms, including years of post-traumatic stress disorder, even when the [wayward spouse] eventually returns. Many women that I've counseled actually have nervous breakdowns in their effort to draw their wayward spouse back to them."



Dr. Deena Stacer, Ph.D, Founder and Director of the San Diego County High Conflict Intervention Program, recommends ceasing contact for a minimum of two years in order to protect the children:

Quote:In a breakup or divorce, with children, there may be high emotion and tension between the parents. This tension creates anxiety for the children as well as the parents. The children sense their parents anxiety in their voice, body language and in their parents behavior. To significantly reduce the amount of tension for all the family, the parents should follow two simple rules for the first two years, in order to control the communication and contact between the parents.

Number One: Eliminate all face-to-face communication between the parents, {including telephone contact} for a minimum of two years.

Number Two: all communication should be done in writing, using a memo format.

Research shows that constant and chronic conflict between the parents negatively impacts the children.

Coparenting often fails, because it assumes that the parents can eventually get along. Our program assumes that with every interaction between the parents more anixety results creating less ability to agree of child sharing issues. If parents couldn't coparent while together, the gap now is wider between them since separatation and their anxiety level is increasing due to the ongoing court conflict.

Our program focuses the parents away from their feelings of failure to communicate and redirects their anger at each other to bonding more closely with their children instead.

High Conflict Resolution Program

He knows. WH says that I am not communicating with him about the kids and is not getting info about the kids like he should. Uh, d-a is NOT asking for it. I am not offering it up to him either. I already told my attorney that my counselor felt it was a great idea since I really am having a hard time moving past of the crap he is doing with OW and ALL of her family (parents, siblings, etc).

Apparently my attorney received an email from his attorney. I have since read some of the insensitive emails that sent to the IM. Misses the kids...not me. I am not his family, nor will I ever be. get the divorce over with and move on. Wow... that just makes me want to drrrrrrrrrrrrrrag it out even more! He still seems to believe that it was ME emailing with him all along. Haha... what an idiot. If I didn't want to see him or talk to him on the phone, why on earth would I want to email him?!

I like the idea of having dr. harley writing a letter. Wonder how much that will cost me?!

I don't think he charges for his services. Email him at the radio show.

I would instruct your attorney that he needs to handle this, because you aren't willing to be in contact with your WH. If the WH wants information, he can either a) get it from the OM or b) end his affair and move home.

There is no court in this land that would force ME to stay in contact with such an abusive person.

Yeah... I may copy some of the emails and post them on here so you can see what my IM has been dealing with. My attorney and his contends that we have to work together for the next 15 years or so on the kids.... I have to learn to deal with his rotten [censored].

No, you don't have to work together. That is ridiculous. There is absolutely no reason in the world you have to contact him EVER. There is nothing that can't be passed on through your IM. You need to sell your attorney on this because is it clear he/she is fogged out about this issue.

And please don't post those emails. It is too bad you even read them.

Dr Harley posted this another board member whose H tried - and failed - to pull this same stunt:

I don't understand why I would need to contact him. If I am the legal and physical guardian, why on earth do I need to talk with him???? HE is the one who had the affair. HE is the one who left. HE is the one who wanted a divorce. Now I am expected to again give in to yet ANOTHER want of his??? WHAT THE FRICK is wrong with our legal system that it expects the BS to continue to endure being hurt like this???

nlf, this is why you shouldn't go along with it. Just because your fogged out wayward makes a threat, doesn't mean you have to go along.

I will talk to my attorney again. He wanted to see some of the emails that WH sent to im to prove to his attorney that this is not in the best interests of my emotional state. I already have stuff from my own counselor.... it is ridiculous.

What could your H possibly need to communicate to you that can't go through an IM? I would point that out to your lawyer. The bottom line is that the attorney works for YOU and it is not in your best interest or that of your children to be in direct contact with your WH. She/he needs to make sure are protected.

There is something referred to as 'parallel parenting' which is an alternative to co-parenting.
It is recognized as a valid way to handle things after a divorce/split.
Google it.

Anyway.

I don't see why you would need to show emails to the attorney. Just tell him you have an intermediary to handle all contact and WH is free to use it. That you are allowing him free access to the children but not to YOU.

Otherwise, get another attorney who knows how to handle this stuff.

Maybe yours is co-parenting with an ex theirself?

edited to say that those hurtful things WH is saying about/to you are examples that what he feels is exactly the opposite.He is trying to rile you up to strike back in hurt to justify the horrible thing he is doing AND he IS missing you .....which is WHY he is being nasty. He would be indifferent and not nasty if he DIDN"T care about you!

Been here, had to deal with this exactly.

First, what I would do is have a stern talk w/your attny and ask whom is working for whom. If they didn't wish to represent you and your ideals, as the MORALLY responsible and legal parent and guardian, then I would hire another attny.

Here's how I handled things post divorce when my xh married the ow.

First of all yes, it was thrown in my face and what they are seeking is for YOU, yes YOU to give THEM legitimacy to their skanky and sleazy relationship. The ow is definitely fueling this btw. My xh and his instant wife he married within 24 hrs of our legal divorce, tried to convince everybody that SHE loved my son as much as I did (inserting barf here), which I now know since the "soulmates" are divorcing now, was a farce.

They both, as a unified team against me (and they'll do this to you) tried to make me out as the bad parent, the one who didn't care for their kids' feelings for if I did, surely I would welcome (their crazy, misguided, and selfish and wayward interpretation) "MORE LOVE" into the life of my son. Yea, they claimed our son was getting even more love and attention, courtesy of ow and her family (who also enabled ow).

So what did I do? I continued on with little to no contact. I lived in another state with no family and didn't have really anybody except a sweet neighbor who served as the IM. I did a very very long plan B to him until I simply didn't care what the waywards did at all.

I limited all times I had to ever be around him, would go to see teachers at preschool separately, and would sit altogether elsewhere at school (then it was preschool and kindergarten) functions.

Sure, people would ask why I wouldn't engage his father on any level and I was always sure to tell them why (exposure yet again). Sometimes I wouldn't even have to explain.

Just stay true to what you know. Get a note if you will, a prescription maybe saying THIS is your plan of self recovery and that as directed by your counselor/psychologist (be carful to not try to give them leeway as my x tried to make it as if when I saw a psychologist/and counselor it was because I had a deficiency, which I did not), that a type of plan B is needed for your personal recovery. Keep the focus on your recover because it is the DIRECT RESULT of the HARMFUL affair which is truthfully, extreme mental cruelty. Put the blame on them always, where it should rightfully be.

I learned how to keep my cool and walk away and never engage whenever there was anything that required both of us to be there. I had separate birthday parties when I could. I didn't talk to the xh on the phone or the ow/wife. If there was communication it was email, which is also a permanent record of their futher cruelty by trying to show what they wanted..to force me to accept them (and the judge also saw through their actions and knew it was that).

Fwiw, after their marriage of 2 years, once my xh got me to basically break the nc by feigning an emergency and getting me to come pick up my son somewhere, which happened to be at an empty lake lot where he would soon build his lake house (I didn't know where, but if it is an emergency, I'm always there for my son). There he told me he wished he hadn't married her, that he regretted everything, and he tried to ask me out. Barf again. I told him that I had lost all feelings for him, and that I did not date married men and I would NOT ever condone his affair marriage to his mistress. I never called her his wife.

My child also never referred to the ow as any sort of pet name. My xh tried to get my son to refer to his ow/wife as "ma" which was something my son never did. He always called her "Miss OW's First name". He never called her even Mrs. Just "Miss C---y", as if he knew she was temporary and treated her as such. Even at a young age, my child knew what was up and what his father was doing was sinful and wrong.

The oddest thing that ever happened once was self-exposure of them to a local minister.

Sometimes you will have their contact FORCED onto you, and remember, when that happens, to keep your cool and know God is watching out for you.

I was at a vacation Bible school graduation ceremony, where they kids were putting on a cute little play. I go in to the church sanctuary, dressed in my scrubs after work. Next thing I know, inside of this crowded church, walks in my xh holding hands with his ow/wife, and she was wearing a low cut tank top, daisy duke super short white shorts, and sky high heels and dripping in jewelry into a church.

You could see the people there staring at her like she was from another planet.

Anyhow, my xh proceeds to walk in and scan the crowd, instantly zero in on ME and walk over and sit on one side of me, with him in the middle and the ow on the other side of him, like he was the dude from the "Big Love" series or something.

I ignored him, scooted down the pew, and he scooted down pulling her with him, to try to sit closer to me, so I ignored it.

Afterward, they walk up to me and say loudly, "You can't keep us from coming to events. We deserve to be here too."

Right at that moment, the minister walks up, and realizes there are a few people he hasn't greeted. Us. At that very moment, the nanny walks in with their child, who was a little over two at the time. (ow was pregnant before we divorced).

The minister said looking at me, "Your son X, is really sweet. You know he became a Christian this week. We're so happy to have you...ya'll..I mean...your family here."

The minister looked confused looking at me standing across maybe 2 feet away from my xh and the xh holding hands with a woman dressed to go clubbing rather than in church, and then there was a teenage nanny type girl holding a toddler. He was clearly confused.

He looked at my xh and ow, and said "I'm brother Steve, glad to meet you..are you Peachy's son's uncle and aunt?" My x wayward replied, "No, I am his father and this is my wife, Ms. Family Values (my nickname for ow/wife)and our daughter (being held by the nanny)."

Minister looked REALLY uncomfortable at this scene. So he asked "oh the baby is so cute..how old is she?" XH replies "Two years old, well make that two years and a month old".

Then the minister says "Wow. It is so wonderful you can come to church and be here standing near your ex wife. God can heal most things I guess. You both must have been divorced for quite some time for this much healing. How long have you been divorced?"

I smile and look directly in the eyes of the minister and reply, "Two years Brother Steve, two years."

My xh and his wistress (wife + mistress = my word, wistress)instantly spun on their heels and stomped angrily out of the church leaving the minister standing there beside me with a gaping mouth.

The minister then looked at me and said, "God deals with unrepentant sin you know, don't you?"

Use this story and know that you are not ever alone in this fight. YOu are fighting for the truth, for your healing, for your children, and exposing them to harmful people (the other men, the other women) the ones who break up marriages, and also the wayward parents out there, hurt your kids too.

No judge can force you to be around anybody you do not wish to be around. You are a free person, living in a country where we supposedly have freedom, seize that. And never ever ever give LEGITIMACY to their affair.

It is why they are hunting you down and forcing this on you. It is the last stand they have, to get you to acknoledge what they did is right. We know it will NEVER be right, so don't do it. Do not cave. You do not have to.

Hell I could be sitting near my xh at a function and still be in plan B b/c we would have no interaction. Especially since I made sure exposure happened all the time.

Tell your xh what I told mine when he accused me of "tainting" him in the eyes of others whenever I'd expose him and the wistress.

I would say one line and one sentence only to him. "X, you gotta pay to play. Get used to it."

There will come a day when God will heal your heart and life. Where you will see the sunshine everyday and smile. When you will embrace where you are now, and realize the real pain, the real hurt is carried by your wayward ex.

They will live with the pain of their betrayal. They live in fear that they will always be exposed. They will fear the day their sins will come to fruition, and that their house of cards will cave in. They secretly wonder when it will happen. They live with shame and regret. But that is THEIR lot, not yours.

Walk in the light of day and feel the warmth of God's love and the sunrays on your back. They will never know this as long as they live in unrepentant sin for destroying a marriage and family.

hardline maybe. Truth? 1000%.

I highly recommend you looking into "Parallel Parenting"

This outlines it a bit of the differences between "co-parenting" and "parallel parenting". It will protect you and the kids because you will not be exposed to what goes on in their household and you will have little to no contact with XH and his tramp of the month.

Parallel Parenting Stops the Bleeding (continued)

Understanding the Differences



COOPERATIVE PARENTING

Child focused.

Parents communicate regularly.

Parents can communicate in person or over the phone.

Major decisions about the child are jointly discussed.

Parents work together as needed to resolve issues related to the child.

Parents work together in the best interests of the child.

Allows smooth transitions from one home to the other.

Allows for schedule change � can be flexible and negotiable.

Parents may be able to discuss issues between other parent and child.

PARALLEL PARENTING

Adult focused.

Parents communicate over emergencies.

Parents use email, third party, or a parenting notebook to communicate.

Major decisions are communicated rather than discussed.

Households are separate. Each makes decisions about the child when s/he is in their household.

Parents work separately for the best interests of the child.

Culture changes for the child may be abrupt.


Written parenting plan or court decree followed exactly. Parents need an external authority.

Each parent is responsible for own relationship with child. �You must talk to your mom/dad about that.�




Ten Tips for Successful Parallel Parenting

1. Maintain an attitude for non-interference with your child�s other parent. Neither parent has influence or say over the actions of the other parent.
2. Carry on a business-like attitude; use common courtesy.
3. Do not plan activities for the children during the other parent�s time. It may be better for child to miss an event than to witness conflict.
4. Stay focused on the present.
5. Stay oriented to the task at hand.
6. Keep your children�s best interests in mind.
7. Remember the goal is to keep conflict to a minimum.
8. Follow up in writing all agreements and discussions regarding the children.
9. When communication and/or negotiation is necessary, use a neutral third party to assist you.
10. Keep an open mind.

Parallel parenting, that's what I am doing right now, being in Plan B.

THIS should be the way that parents should deal with parenting their children while separated or divorced.

THIS makes SENSE.

Thanx.

I wanted to come back to add that I think its important not to defend plan B.
Just tell the attorney that this is the way you choose to do things. You will parallel parent.
I would not talk about my fragility or psychologists or hand over emails to defend myself.
I would tell the attorney that the intermediary will be used or you will seek a legal intermediary (drop off center) to utilize. Guess what? They EXIST for this very thing!
Anyway. No more defending YOUR actions.
Matter of fact legal stuff and no emotional smoke and mirrors.

I just do not understand the attorney going along with this.

You don't have to say anything to educate your WH in plan B either. If you ever happen to have contact with him by accident....you just do not lovebust. You don't need to converse, just do not have angry outbursts, disrespectful judgements (trying to educate), or make demands (you release control of him).

A good response by your attorney would be something like this:

�There is no need for these two parties to communicate unless there is an emergency involving the children. Your client is attempting to use the children to inflict mental cruelty on Mrs. NLF. She is willing to communicate with him if he ends his adulterous affair, assumes his legal responsibilities as a husband and father, and returns home. There is otherwise little need to communicate with my client. You know full well that no court will FORCE my client to talk to yours. He will be contacted if there is an emergency, but is otherwise expected to handle his responsibilities as a father on his own.

Further attempts to use the children as an excuse to inflict mental cruelty on my client will result in charges to the same.�

I edited the suggestion.....to take out the extraneous and leave the crucial.

my xh and i do this quite well. We have a book and an IM. They were legally ordered. The book is at my IM house and she is there when either of us writes in it. Her notes are there as well if one of calls re: something for our dd.

Only time i directly contact xh was when i had to take dd to the ER as she was really sick. Other than that nothing and it will be two years in may.

This was court ordered....down to having it named who and where the drop off would be. if they are not available then it is at the police station.

I like the idea of the police station!

I will have to figure out a way to approach my attorney. His attorney is asking that WH and I commuicate directly by email or text. He won't take any more emails from my IM. My attorney noted that the Judge would most likely order me to communicate via text (my attorney is a former judge as well). My choices are to agree to text communication or I will have to go to court.
my attorney also added that communication between parents is required, this issue must be resolved.

WTF?!

This is a great idea.

His attorney added that WH is not interested in using this service and has never agreed to do so in lieu of telephone conversations. He will be contacting me via telephone or text for purposes of visitation and related child issues and I am to do the same.

My Im lives 3 hours away from me.... that is kind of impossible.

If your attorney is incapable of responding to and neutralizing something so petty, I would fire him and find one who would.

Re-read that sentence for what it really says: "My client wants to call his betrayed spouse whenever he wants to, regardless of what she wants. So you have to let him."

Baloney. Find an attorney with a set of teeth. I deal with a lot of attorneys. I just called one who specializes in divorce and got this response(not verbatim, I can't type that fast )

"Communications regarding the divorce action should be communicated strictly through the attorneys. It is one of their jobs in representing their client. This is to streamline the proceedings and to minimize the stress between either party in having to deal with the other.

Likewise in cases of Divorce with Children: If either of the two parties feels anxiety or stress in communicating directly, the children could ultimately be affected. These communications should be directed through the respective attorneys. An intermediary can be equally effective for maintenance issues such as drop-off and pick-up of children.

If one party does not approve of the IM, another person should be chosen as IM. Again, with communications regarding this IM to go through the respective attorneys until a resolution on an IM is reached.

And you, likewise, never agreed to telephone conversations, and you're not willing to engage in them.

See how it works both ways? You have rights, too!

He will become very interested in this "service" when he discovers it's the only way to communicate about his children.

FWIW, I had my attorney inform WxW that I would refuse any communication attempt from her except as specified (in my Plan B letter, BTW) and that she was to communicate ONLY with my IM.

Repeat: I had MY ATTORNEY set this boundary.

WxW REFUSED to contact my IM. On several occasions she contacted MY attorney directly. When I'd had enough of this, I had my attorney send her a message informing her that I had directed my attorney to refuse any communication from WxW directly, and that any communication she felt necessary would have to come through HER attorney to mine.

That ended the foolishness.

This. And get a new attorney TODAY!

I have not experience with any of this except that I used to teach parenting classes. Sometimes we would even be the IM (although we didn't term it as such) Attorneys would contact my agency for help with this.

Your lawyer should be looking into something like this for you. He/She works FOR you.

In this electronic age there is absolutely no information your WH can't get via internet....most sports teams put schedules on there, grades and homework assignments are on there, conferences and school activities are on there.

Obviously medical and emergencies wouldn't be there BUT...for routine appointments, you could keep a calendar online that you both have
access too (google has a good one)

I would fire this attorney; however, if you are not willing to do this, then make sure you agree to ONLY texting....check with your provider about getting print outs or forward them to your computer and print out every one. This way you will have something to use when you get your next attorney to show that they are unnecessary and abusive. Document and save everything.

Good luck

But, you ARE agreeing to communication between parents
via
and intermediary!
That IS the communication.

Tell attorney you DO agree to communinicate via third party. To communicate about visitations, finances.

Wayward H will have to accept that.

He has full access to children and info about them. He has no access directly to you. Texting, emailing, phone. None of those venues.

You would think his beloved OW would be tickled pink about THAT!

Great.... switch attorneys AGAIN?!

NLF, may I ask what State you are in? As an attorney who has also been through a divorce of my own, I find it difficult to believe an Judge would order you to have contact with someone who is verbally abusive to you. I know of very strong Family Law attorneys in several State to whom I could refer you.

I think you can use this attorney.

Just tell him you don't accept any direct communication. If you must go to court to make your case...so be it.

If a judge says you must text.....plead with him/her not to. Ask that the intermediary be sufficient for contact. Then, tell the judge you would like it this way for your peace of mind in this very difficult situation. That the children need you to be strong for them, and this is your way to continue to be their rock to lean on.

As another poster once said to me "Your WH is trying to make sure you stay on the farm" and you don't have to.

You do not.

Just tell your attorney to listen to your needs and find a way to make it happen.

Be strong.

You can't communicate via text if you don't have a texting plan.

Honestly, think about how totally absurd your attorney's comment is.

This or another attorney YOU hire is suppose to represent YOU -- your wishes, your needs. He should be offering you all sorts of options to help you avoid contact.

Why are you allowing him to represent someone else's wishes?

I hope you'll take Brits Brat up on her offer to recommend a good family law attorney in your state, one who will represent you and only you.

I live in Illinois.

He said that he would talk to his attorney but he needed emails stating why I would need an i-m to prove my point. Otherwise, I would have to communicate directly.

Judges will typically let this get hashed out between attorneys and accept their recommendation.

This is horse-puckey. Have you emailed Dr. Harley to inquire about the possibility of his writing a letter on your behalf?

I am working on it as we speak. The hearing is on Wednesday and is supposed to get hashed out before then.

No, you don't have to communicate directly. By WHAT LAW? What is the LAW on the books that FORCES you to communicate with an abuser? There is not one. It ain't there.

See, your attorney is lazy and is only carrying water for your WS' attorney who is acting on behalf of your WAYWARD. Tell the attorney to move his [censored] and make it clear that you will not be communicating directly with your abusive husband.

Your attorney works for YOU and it is up to you tell him what you want. Your WS is telling his attorney what he expects, so you need to do the same.

nlf, I would get a little more aggressive with this lawyer and tell him what you will or won't accept. Give him your expectations and tell him to get to work. He needs to make that happen.

Never,

It just seems that your WH's attorney is either a dolt or uncrupulous, most probably both! It is apparent that the attorney does not understand the 1st Amendment - free speech! Neither does your attorney, or he is just looking for an easy fee. I am NOT an attorney, but I believe I do understand the vagaries of this principle. Free speech does cover any type of communication. Certain activities can be confined or limited prevented for the safety and protection of others, but I do not believe that communicatin can be forced by any court.

You probably need to get a consult from another attorney on this, and/or research this on the Internet on your own. However, I believe you will find that your H and his attorney are attempting to intimidate and scare you. That is despicable. I would be quite curt and tell your attorney to inform your H's attorney to get laid and get lost! Then, I would write and send a letter to the IL Bar Association requesting them to investigate that attorney's tactics. They WILL have to at least do an initial inquiry/, and he will most likely turn tail and run...maybe even back off from reperesenting your H .

You seem like an honerable woman dealing with a dishonerable guy. Just that you need to arm yourself with some accurate info.


Tom

Thank you everyone for your help. I have a letter I am working on for my attorney. I am trying to be straight forward but polite. I am NOT intimidated by my POSWH or his attorney. If he keeps this crap up, I just may sue for alienation of affection! and, not for monetary reasons, just to prove a g-d point!

It is sad that my attorney who is a former judge is trying to listen to an attorney who is about 30 years younger than him!

nlf, you shouldn't have to lift a finger to defend this. What letter are you working on? Call your attorney and tell him what you require! I do not understand this letter-writing thing you're doing. ??

Well, he doesn't seem to understand my reasoning why I want the IM. So, instead of paying $100 to explain it to him over the phone, I can email it to him and do the same. I told him I wanted it and he said he needs proof why to present to his attorney. So, I am providing the proof. I threw in the stuff that a previous poster put on here about Dr. harley and the effects of the affair. the stinking thing is 3 pages long with all of the reasons why needing an IM is of utmost importance.

Maybe your attorney will learn something for future clients! Good job for insisting, he does work for you after all.

I wonder if my 3 page letter is a little ridiculous. He asked for examples and proof. Well, he is getting it. Maybe law school is calling my name after all.... I am a good arguer. I do remember that WH once said that I was too lawyerish during our marriage....

Go for it!! And good for you for stating your case!

Unbelievable. Waywards are dumb...
letter example...

Dear Mr. Attorney, Thank you for your recent correspondence. Please tell DWH that I am happy to hear that he wants to "communicate" since he stopped communicating when he began his A. He wants to communicate then he needs to be a H filled with remorse and ready to work on his M. When he would like to meet my EN's I would be willing to begin full transparency and communication with him and be part of our wonderful family and be a full time Dad instead of one who wants to pretend.

P.S. I am going to eat a cookie.

Sorry, Illinois is one state I do not know anyone.

Do you, by any chance, know someone who knows someone in IL?

tl

Is this going to be your new thread? I think the old one should merged with this one.

I forgot that Illinois is an alienation of affection state. By all means, I think you should file for this and sue the OW. Don't hesitate to pursue this!

Hello Never,

Your more polite approach to this in terms of a letter stating your postion is probably much better than what I advised. It's good that you are not now wringing your hands over this matter now. It is just that I always have and still get indignant when it appears that someone with specialized training (that does not mean more intellegent or more educated) takes advantage of that training, out of laziness or pure disregard, to attempt to buffalo someone else.

I hope things go well for you in your efforts to protect the integrity and well-being of you and your kids.

Tom

Wahhoooooo!!! Letter from my attorney I received this afternoon: It upsets my client to read his emails filled with unnecessary and sarcastic information. It upsets her to read his email, and she plans to continue the current practice. Until more time passes, it is best for our clients to not have direct contact!

Yahoo

?How do I merge the threads?

I asked about the suit already and my attorney said that it would be wasting my money to do so since rarely a monetary settlement is granted.

Excuse me...... AWARDED.

NLF, click the "Notify" button to the lower right and ask the moderators to merge your threads. Give them the thread titles and tell them under which forum you want them merged.

It isn't always about the money, KWIM?

That is what I said! However, I don't want to spend thousands of dollars and tkae her to court. BUT... I do have to say... it would FEEL GOOD!

Sometimes the threat is just about as good as the deed...

tl

Sad thing is that right now I am borrowing money to pay for my attorney fees. If this person doesn't believe this is a necessary filing, the money will not be loaned to me. I don't want to waste thousands of dollars just to drag her through the mud. I would love to but I also don't want to lose my shirt over it....

I understand that everyone in the USA knows at least ONE attorney from Illinois.

His initials are BHO.


He tends to go by "Mr. President" of late.

SB

Hehe... I don't know if he would be willing to take me on... maybe pro-bono???

Anyone file a case of alienation of affection and actually win????

There was a plumber in Mississippi a few years ago who successfully sued a millionaire his wife had an affair with: MSNBC link

Wow..... the POSOW is anything BUT a millionaire. But, maybe I would be able to sue her to cover the cost of all my attorneys fees accumulated during this divorce and maybe pay some other bills!

Well, the plumber had to wait until AFTER the divorce to sue the millionaire, because the divorce is the result of the A of A (and he did charge her with adultery in the divorce). Also, the plumber had physical proof of the affair...in the form of DNA testing of the OC his wife had during their marriage.

I don't know what the legal costs were, so I'm not sure how much the plumber got to keep out of the damages awarded to him. The millionaire appealed the punitive damages all the way to the Supreme Court, but the SC refused to hear the case.

I don't know if an attorney would accept a case like this on contingency (percentage of any award) or not. Wouldn't hurt to ask!

I would probably file A of A, even if I didn't plan to carry the suit any further than just filing it. It would be worth it to me if the POSOW had to wash her undies because of it.

This, in connection with having your attorney depose her for the divorce action, would serve her notice that she might have let herself in for more trouble than she bargained for. I hope you did file for divorce on grounds of adultery and named her as the OW. That will put her name in public records for all time as a homewrecker.

I live in Illinois and have been divorced for several years. I was the BS and my ex is very hostile to me, sending ranting insulting emails. We recently had to go to mediation over a medical issue regarding my daughter. (He was trying to avoid paying for braces for her.) The mediator told both of us that since there was conflict we should have as little contact as possible, and only use email to communicate. I have an IM read the email daily and only tell me if there is something urgent, otherwise I read it once a week to minimize the emotional damage it does to me. The mediator said this was appropriate. This mediator is a lawyer and was appointed by the court, so there is no problem in Illinois with minimizing contact.

Illinois is no-fault. I was not able to file under adultery b/c my attorney only uses extreme mental cruelty or irreconcilable differences

You could maybe name OW by requesting

joint assets misappropriated in regard to OW
?

Any joint marital funds spent on gifts or wooing her?

Anything you do to create friction between the lovers is good. That means that filing a lawsuit that may not go anywhere is part of it.

The goal here is to break up the affair. AA lawsuit might not go anywhere, but getting legal papers and a subpoena to testify in a deposition is a huge source of stress, which she is likely to take out on your WH. She may also decide that he�s just not worth the hassle of dealing with you and end things accordingly.

90% of the legal battle is all mental. So filing for things doesn�t mean you�re going to get them, but they cause a HUGE amount of stress and strain to the person they are being filed against.

So your lawyer should be filing documents to force your WH to answer to allegations that they are intimate in front of the kids, don�t give them medical attention, force the kids to sleep in the same room, etc.

Seeing this on paper in a legal document that they�re forced to answer is a HUGE psychological blow to them. Your lawyers are completely unimpressive so far. Shop around and interview other ones. They work for you.

Here's a question:

Continue with plan b and divorce. OR continue on and hope that he will come out of it, even though he is living with POSOW, before the divorce is finalize. If there is no chance I will need to let go and reside myself to not having any hope left for our marriage.

IF he does happen to come around, what in the world am I in for? Am I going to be in for more of a world of hurt than I was before or what I am to expect.

If he comes around you need to have an iron clad idea of what it will take for you to take the risk of having him come back. The conditions need to be very specific - little or no room for interpretation. Assume that every loophole will be exploited. I'm boxing my WW in with these - I won't tolerate what I tolerated before.

In the meantime, make sure you're game planning in case it doesn't work out. If it does, you simply file the plan away. If it doesn't work out, then you implement the plan. Generally speaking, these are the only two possible outcomes.

Plan B and not make the ultimate decision for now. Plan B to keep your sanity, or I should say.....re-find it AND to not shoot yourself in the foot with proclamation of it being over AND just learning to live in the moment and re-claim your sense of strength and self-value AND learn to not rush to decisions.

Leave the ultimate choice

to be determined in the future.

The rest is up to him but your part is the crucial part. Learning to detach and refocus to yourself.

It will make sense later in the plan B journey...probably not yet. Early plan B is a scary place where old rules of your life do not apply anymore and you must re-define your sense of self.