Hello everyone I am not sure if this is the right place to post but please move it if it is not.

Here goes my story...

Me and my wife have been married for 5 years this past September and we have 2 identical twin boys that are 4 years old.

My wife caught me masterbating to a phone sex number at the end of 08. I have never physically or emotionally cheated. I just had wanted to hear a woman talk dirty to me when I touched myself. We went through it for a while after that and eventually we went to counseling and we worked out our marriage and things were on track. I did the Love Dare and things were going great again between us. She forgave me and life was back to normal. nothing crazy nor outrageous. Somewhat normal sex life considering our children and basic stress of everyday life.

What lead to our counseling in addition to everything else was the main fact she said she was not HAPPY, in addition to me finding a questionable text message in her cell phone from a male friend. Fast forward to the end of counseling in October of 09 and I though everything was back on track. Things were normal i think and things were good in my opinion after that all the way up to the beginning of this year.

Beginning of this year hits and I find out that my job is in jeopardy. I feel into a depression and of course it affects our family. For around 5 to 6 weeks I drank moderately every night and just my general disposition had changed in the house. I was stressed out about finding a job and it was taking its toll on me. Eventually one day she told me that don't you see you are loosing your family? That moment I realized what I was doing and I snapped out of everything. i started to get myself back together and be a person again. Around 2 weeks later I just noticed exactly how she was acting funny and I just started to ask her about everything. She basically started talking but warned me not to press anything or she would say stuff that I did not want to hear. Well i pressed and she said she is not happy and she needs space and wants the D word etc. etc.. I immediately left work and I drove to her job to see her. She would not leave and we did not end up talking until later that night. She basically said her peace back on March 7 and she said she would be leaving our place at the end of tax season. Me being who I am, I am still fighting for our marriage because I love my family and I want us together. So I try to change and become better for everyone.

From there it seems that every weekend more or less just knocks me down since then. I guess because I get mixed signals from her, she still says she loves me, kisses me etc., then she still wants me to do for her normally like cook, clean etc. but then acts like nothing will change between us. 2 weeks from that was her birthday and she went away for the entire weekend and did not call home once for either myself or our children. The day after she came back I got laid off. the next friday I find out she changed her direct deposit from our joint account and then she goes away with her the next weekend with her family for her cousin's baby shower and a night out with her girlfriends.

Additionally this past Friday night she was working late and I called her to see if she was okay, she didn't answer. a minute or two later she calls me by accident and I hear a bunch of questionable comments in the background so I listen and basically go crazy. I call her mother to tell her what i heard and I basically breakdown. (I have a great relationship with her parents.) she calls me back and she explains to me what I heard and etc. etc. It sounds reasonable and I am not dummy and she does go to great length to say, I believe you have a problem with me just leaving you and you think I am leaving you for someone else. Her parents also confirm to me that she does not have someone else. (although I would be foolish not to investigate myself anyway)


Her main points for leaving or wanting to leave are that her health has taken a major turn since we have been together. Diabetes, high blood pressure, and high cholesterol. We enable each other to become heavier and we placate our problems with each other and food.
also she says I don't do this or do that. Which in my mind are gripes i have against her as well. So I have come to the conclusion that we do love each other, but maybe we just are bad for each other.


with all of that being said. Right now we are in a point where were we are both just hurting each other and the children. Plus I believe that by being close to each other still, we are hurting any chance we have to save our marriage. I don't want to separate at all, but at this point it seems right, to save my own feelings.

Can someone please help me and tell me what I should be doing or trying to do to save my marriage?

Sorry my story is all over the place and any questions you ask I will reply with the full truth that I know of.

confused, welcome to Marriage Builders. Sorry for your trouble.

What I am about to tell you is going to be hard, but I want to assure you that your marriage is very salvagable if you are able to put aside your instincts and follow this plan. The strategy we will give you is counterintuitive but if you follow it you are very likely to save your marriage. Many couples over on the Surviving an Affair forum have saved their marriages using these methods.

The first thing is to QUIETLY find out who your wife is having an affair with. Yes, she is having an affair. Women don't ask for "space" unless they have someone else lined up. The fact that she can't be found for long periods of time is a dead give away. I have been on this board for 10 years and all the signs of an affair are here.

Don't ASK her if she is having an affair. Quietly find out on your own. Hire a PI if you can and you will find out quickly. OR put a GPS on her car, keylogger on her computer, VAR in her car, etc. There are lots of ways. But you must find out WHO he is and his marital status.

Once you find you, do not tell anyone! Come here and we will give you next steps.

Whatever you do, don't despair. Be as pleasant as possible to your wife in the meantime. Don't plead, don't argue, just quietly find out who the OM is and we will help you kill this affair and save your marriage.

Thank you Melody for your response. I also forgot to mention that

-she locks her phone consistently and I can't access it
-she told me that if she was having an affair I would never be able to find out
-she also said that she is Done.

I feel so confused and out of sync. I don't even have the money to hire anybody or any real means to find out if she is having an affair. What do I do?

Get the goods on her affair. Go over to the Operation Investigate forum and find a cheap GPS to put on her car. Do you have access to her cell phone bill? What about her computer?

Can you borrow the money to hire a PI for a couple of days?

Oh, yeah. These are all . Locking the phone is huge.

You can do a lot of snooping on your own, confused. Do you have access to your cell phone records?

We have a separate forum on this site called Operation Investigate. Check it out - there's a lot of good info there.

In your sitch, I would suggest you pick up a VAR (voice activated recorder) and hide it in her car. I'll bet she talks to her affair partner when she's alone in the car.

Also, pick up a GPS unit and hide it on her car. That will tell you where she is when she's gone all those hours.

Wait. So - YOU make her diet unhealthy?? This is a typical wayward tactic of coming up with a laundry list of reasons for why it's your fault that they're unhappy and are screwing around. You're not bad for each other - you've probably been neglecting each other's needs.

Can you snoop as we're suggesting to find out the identity of OM? (He's quite likely a co-worker.)

Like Melody said: don't say anything to anyone. Just snoop and let us know what you find out. We'll help you from there.

she doesn't drive she is on the bus, no access to her cell phone bill, I do have access to her computer but i don't know passwords for email accounts or anything. I will have to borrow the money for a PI to hire one. I wish I knew of good ones in Philadelphia

another thing is she is always texting away all hours of the day. and when i walk into a room she locks her phone. it is so bold now that i think about it, it is offensive. I have suspected an affair for a while now, but you guys saying it has really opened my eyes.

Plus honestly she is saying she wants us to really discuss our living arrangements like tonight going forward. she wants to move out or me to move out. this is all happening too fast and I cant get myself together. I feel like everything is truly over.

another thing I say to her when she makes points out to me they sound illogical and everything she says is something that I can toss back at her. If I don't clean, does she? but when I say it back to her it is a tic for tac thing. it is crazy.

Ok, you can start here and sneak a keylogger on her computer. Can you swing $100 for a keylogger? A good one is eblaster at spectorsoft.com

not even at the moment but i will be able to very shortly

Tell her that you are not interested in a separation but if she wants to move out you can't stop her. Tell her you will not allow her to take the kids or any furniture without a court order.

Don't fight with her, and don't allow her to bait you. Be calm and self assured and kind.

Well, you can't tie her to the kitchen table, so if she doesn't want to live with you SHE will have to leave. YOU do not leave your home! Don't let her even suggest such silliness. You've done nothing to deserve having to leave. Let her know that you are content right where you are.

And she doesn't take the kids, either.

at the beginning i believed this was my disposition, then after a while and as of earlier today i was ready to say, "i will stay at my mother's and come everyday to be with my children." But now I realize if things go the worst possible route then it will look like I abandoned the home and my children.

It doesn't help that many people are suggesting separation as a viable option and now she is ready for it instead of waiting until the end of tax season.

but thank you for your advice. I will suggest that she leaves because even though things are crazy between us, I am still trying to make US work. plus that way it is making harder for her since she will have to live in Jersey with her parents.

Question for the ladies. Can feminine wiping cloths wipe away the odor of sex? or shall I say a partner on your genitals?

Firstly .. sorry you are here. THis is the best place though to handle these situations. The people here are amazing!

Secondly .. if you can not afford a keylogger (eblaster etc) just use www.desktopshark.com

ITs free ... and is not detectable by antivirus etc. This will get you her passwords for free .. if you put that on your home PC. ITs not the best keylogger though because in a month or so it may update and a window that looks like dos pops up for a brief moment on start up when it(or if) it descides to update. I think you can turn it off though not sure. However .. if you can get it on for a week or so you may get all her passwords and one side of her computer conversations.

MNG

also which is interesting she is saying that her big issue with me right now is that she does not trust me. How can you not trust me when I tell your family about your questionable behavior? or when I leave my job to come to your job and talk to you when you tell me things are going bad? its like everything is being turned on me when it is not my fault. and the problems we both have are OUR problems not just one person's.

Also I forgot to mention that I always with our children. they respond to me. If she is so called upset or angry at me, they don't react about it. Now since i have been upset the boys are out of control. They even caught me crying a few times. Its like they are only attentive to me. Then even told her this morning they don't like her.

Yeah I truly feel like the wool has been pulled over my eyes. I dunno what to say at this moment and how even to go on. I feel so confused and I don't even know where to start.
I just don't know and I wish things would explain themself to me easily.

Also I guess the biggest questionable comment she ever made was, " i don't think you can deal with us separating because of xyz, and you think I have another person." I just don't know and thank you everyone for your help.

This is fogbabble. It's a fairly common line with waywards.

So's this:
She's probably saying a lot of things you can't figure out right now. It's the fogbabble of a person in an affair. Don't try to make sense of it, confused. You can't.

that sounds right maritalbliss because it is all crazy , plus she is angry of my relationship with her parents because they want us to be married. your only going to be angry at someone when they are really telling you the truth. she doesn't want me speaking to them at all.


this is also so crazy because my best friend is going through the same exact thing right now. smh his is further along the process though and they are actually in divorce court now.

Order checkmate and check for the presence of semen. here This really does work.

She is gaslighting you. That is the reason she is saying she can't trust you. That is throw you off balance and keep you from snooping on her.

It is real important that you keep focused on finding out who the affair is WITH. You have to find this out. Don't pay any attention to what she says. Just find out who he is and if he is married and then come back here. Don't confront her!! Come here first and we will give you a plan.

**edit**

so what changes to the living arrangement did she request last night?

no requests made at all. She did come home a little later than normal. I didn't ask why nor was I truly concerned.

I would have slept on the couch last night but our children made me sleep in the bed with them and mom. she woke up angry about it, but whatever. She still asked me to drive her to work. On the way she gives me a crazy story without me even asking.

The vibe I am getting now is that she may be feeling some remorse but until I get real answers she will still be acting crazy overall.

I don't even know my wife anymore, it is like her soul is different. smh I feel so used and I can honestly say it feels like she is cake eating. *sigh* trying to find money for a PI now because it will be a little harder to track her after the end of tax season because she is supposedly going to live with her mother then.

I just don't know everyone. I am so heartbroken and I would never wish this feeling on anyone. I don't know if I am coming or going.

This is probably giving her the impression that you don't care very much and are very complacent. I would let her know how disrespectful this is to you.


You have no reason to EVER sleep on the couch if you have a bed. If she doesn't want to sleep with you, she should go on the couch or sleep in the garage. But you should NEVER leave your own bed.


confused, have you found out WHO the OM is? You need to find this out TODAY and come back here with the intel. You MUST stick to the plan and not get distracted.

Make a PLAN to find out who the OM is TODAY. Make this happen. We cannot help you save your marriage unless you find out.

A lot of time here crying.

No time spent buying a digital voice activated recorder to hide in WW's car and one for the home to here what WW is saying on the phone.

No time to buy a real time GPS to hide on WW car to find out where she's going to catch here with the OM.

Crying doesn't get the job done.