My wife and I were married for 12 years, together 6 before that. 2 kids, 6 and 2. We've had issues early in the marriage, infidelity on her part. We resolved and moved on. I kept my trust issues mostly under control with time. Recently, she's been texting guys she works with. She's in an education environment, well educated, and is around equals most of the day. 1 guy in particular, crossed the line. During a string of text messages, he replied, "You're a Milf." I held it in for a day or two, but finally blew my stack. I can't describe the insult I felt, both personally, and for my wife. She didn't seem to be offended by it, it was just said in playfulness.
I left for work feeling terrible, texted her to see if she could come home early so we could talk before the kids were home. Her reply stunned me, "Why, you want out?". I called her, and told her, No I don't want out.
We've been discussing things before bed, the only time we're alone from the kids. She says neither one of us is happy, something has to change. Granted, it's not always perfect, but i've got the perfect family. I asked if she really wants out, and her reply is "I don't know". She says she still loves me, but now it's more like a brother.
I love my wife, I think I always will, and want to work this out. It sounds like she won't tell me what her story is. Half of me doesn't want to hear it if it's divorce. The thought of not having my kids is torture to me.
She swears there is nothing going on with the guy she texts. I believe her on a physical level, but I really think there is something emotional going on. I started counseling last week, going again this week. I really want her to go with me, or alone with someone else, but she's resisting.
Can my marriage be saved?
I can't offer advice yet but brother, don't hit the panic button despite you being sick to your stomach man. I believe I'm the most emotional guy on this site, but I'll tell you what it helped nothing! Read, post, read, post. These Vets here might smack you around a lot but they know what the hell they are talking about ok?
Mr18708, I'm sorry you are here under these circumstances.
I am also sorry to say that your wife is having an affair. I do suspect it's physical, although at the very least it is emotional. (There is such a thing, and the hormone-driven "connection" and "high" your wife gets from that is what's eliciting her "I love you but I'm not in love with you" statements, actions, etc.)
Please click "notify" at the bottom of this post and ask the moderators to move your thread to the "Surviving an Affair" forum. You will get much more traffic and targeted help over there. (Weekends can be a bit slow across the boards, though, fyi.)
Should you want to fight for your marriage, you will learn how to do that most effectively. You will also have the tools at your disposal to RECOVER YOUR MARRIAGE the RIGHT WAY this time, as, I'm sorry to say, you guys clearly didn't after her previous infidelity.
In the meantime, please spend some time reading the articles on this site. Start w/ the Basic Concepts and Dr. Harley's articles on infidelity.
Again, sorry you are here, but you're in the right place.
Oh, and the counseling is most likely just a waste of money. Many counselors are pro-individual, not pro-marriage, and there's some crazy high statistic (80%?) of traditional counseling failing in these circumstances.
Besides, with infidelity, the problem lies largely with your wayward wife. Sure, you have your side of the street to keep clean, but I'd say you're better off taking whatever money you're spending on counseling and funnel it towards MarriageBuilders books and, even better, counseling w/ the Harleys. They are pros at this.
We've had issues early in the marriage, infidelity on her part. We resolved and moved on.
The problem was that it actually WASN'T resolved. Your W's poor boundaries led to her infidelity...and upon discovery, it sounds as it was swept under the rug...and you were expected to blindly trust.
Dr Harley's plan of recovery after an affair requires Extraordinary Precautions be taken by the WS to prevent another affair from happening. Can you guess some of those would include? Yes, no opposite sex friendships, no texting/emailing male coworkers outside of work reasons.
Please read up on all of the basic concepts including the ones under "infidelity" because part of what it will take to save this M is for you two to follow the narrow path of recovery from affair. And no, you don't have "trust" issues that you need to keep "under control". You need to have access to her phone at all times and have the right to question her about any area of her life.
For now, QUIETLY snoop. Do you have access to her cell phone records, email, FB account? I would also recommend installing a keylogger...
She swears there is nothing going on with the guy she texts. I believe her on a physical level, but I really think there is something emotional going on. I started counseling last week, going again this week. I really want her to go with me, or alone with someone else, but she's resisting.
She may be telling the truth about the physical part right now, but she is well on her way to a physical affair.
Please do some reading on this site. Have you read the Basic Concepts here? Do you understand them?
Start here:
Basic Concepts Then go here:
Emotional Needs I would also suggest that you not tell your wife about this site right now. We have tools on here for killing affairs. You may need them, and you don't want her to know about them.
Welcome to Marriage Builders. We'll help you.
I would also suggest, as quick as you can, find childcare (you do it, don't ask her to) and ask her out to spend time with you.
Go listen to music, go to the movies, date like stuff.
You don't have to call them dates since she has semi-checked out of the romance but call them 'quality time together without the kids"
You have to spend time together without children to show her the possibilities of a strong connection to you.
When you mentioned that the only time to talk was before bed, this struck me as a number one approach to the crisis. She obviously spends a lot of quality time talking and whatever else with co worker guy.
Mr18708:
I am no expert. But you do know who it is (or so it appears). The comment you found, playful or not is inescapably way beyond any reasonable boundary. Tell you WW that you would like to try texting that phrase to any one of your WW's married girlfriends. Of course you will have an angry baseball wielding husband on your doorstep within minutes unless your WW's girlfriend and her husband are swingers.
Your wife is definitely capable of completely discounting your feelings right now (key words: "right now" - that can change, there is hope) and the fogbabble is on display for sure.
Read, read and listen here.
Of course if you know which man it is I would say you are ahead of this game and others will be better able to tell you where you can take this.
Please go see a doctor, get yourself some medical support for the illness you are feeling. In your situation any loving husband and father would.
Do Not succomb to an angry outburst. It sounds like you have avoided being provoked and you need to stay that way or you feed the problem with justification for your WW.
Is the Other Man (OM) married? Where does he live? Can you find out?
I found out an awful lot by putting a tape recorder in my WW's car hidden under the steering wheel....
Please set up a good support system for yourself to lean on. People here will help but a trusted MALE friend or family member who can keep their mouth shut would be a good idea.
Prayers for you.
Hurting Turkey
ME: BH age 56 Recovering Verbal Abuser
SHE:WW age 49
Married 13 years
Hers: 22 and 18 years
Mine: 30, 28 and 22 years
Ours: 11 years
She still won't admit A # 2 despite overwhelming evidence
Considered Plan B but was told not to by Steve H. since A is over
to hang on to Plan A. Grateful for the people on this board (even though they tire of telling me what I don't want to hear!)
Thank you everyone. I can expand a bit more now.
I have zero suspicions of a PA. I know her schedule, when she picks up and drops off our daughter, when she arrives and leaves work. I've checked with people she works with, close personal friends, and she's there. No leaving early, or coming in late. I think she's well withing the bounds of something happening, which is why I want the EA stopped immediately.
How can I say she can't have male friends, or limit it to work contact? I would come off like a control freak.
I'm insecure. I'll say it straight out. I'm 38, probably 30lbs heavier than when we married, high school educated and wear jeans and boots to work every day. She's beautiful, in every sense of the word, masters level grad, and works with men and women who can be much younger, college grads, and sharp dressers. I'm threatened by that, especially when I've still got trust issues from years ago.
I know many of her male friends, and i'm fine with most of them. Married or single, they need to respect my wife, me, and my relation to my wife. Some haven't.
I want my wife. I'll do what I need to do in order to keep my family. Not sure if it's nation wide, or just my area, but guys take the shaft when it comes to custody and support. Too many of my friends see their kids every other weekend, you may as well put me in prison if that's what I'll be able to get.
I'm asking for your prayers, and support. I know the OM by her fb page, which I have the pw for. Working on getting work emails.
Thank you all.
To help yourself implement a couple of actions:
Is the person who sent the text to your wife married, if so track his wife down and let her know it is wholly unacceptable that he sends such a text to your wife, if he is single call him make it very clear he is insulting your wife and he keeps away from her, then call his head (assuming he is in education as well) and/or parents and let them know . These actions are not controlling they are you standing up for inappropriate insulting behaviour, this makes it clear that your are not accepting this and are monitoring the conversations. If your wife finds out all your are doing is protecting her dignity as a mother, a wife and a woman.
Thereafter you snoop , keep an eye out for a second phone, you have passed the first warning if they carry on and you evidence it the next step is full exposure.
Access the OM's Facebook page and record all his friends and family onto a secure document , copy the link as well as the names . If you evidence further untoward contact you will need this information.
No you would not look like a control freak, you would look like a man who is safeguarding his marriage. There is no way on God's green earth she should stay in touch with a man who calls her a milf. Please do not worry about how "you will look". You may feel insecure inside, but you know what's right and what's not. Trust your instincts. She will not respect you otherwise.
Xau, I was full hot about calling the OM from my wife's phone. I was talked out of it by my counselor and a few family friends. he's already displayed classless behavior, so any reaction would be a raise for him. As I said, I'm very close with her superior. What angle would I pursue through that? It's not against the law, as far as I know.
Could you explain what to do with his fb page? Im assuming if I were to fully expose this, it would go to those people as well, correct?
Thanks again.
You use your wifes Facebook account and access his name , once on his page you review his friends list, pick family , married friends , coworkers , click on their names and it should open their page, copy the web link and record this against their names, do not worry if their pages are locked down it is the http link you are after. If you are to expose it is the Facebook messaging system you will use, the friend links will enable you to do this.
Once you have copied a few practice with your logon name and access their pages.
What do you know about his guy? is he in education as well, why would you get advice not to call him, who knows him other than your wife? I am asking as you are assuming he will get a rise out of you calling him.
Xau, I was full hot about calling the OM from my wife's phone. I was talked out of it by my counselor and a few family friends. he's already displayed classless behavior, so any reaction would be a raise for him. As I said, I'm very close with her superior. What angle would I pursue through that? It's not against the law, as far as I know.
Could you explain what to do with his fb page? Im assuming if I were to fully expose this, it would go to those people as well, correct?
Thanks again.
If you don't care enough to make a fuss, why should her superior?
Dude, a message like that ("You're a MILF") from one co-worker to another is just loaded with potential for sexual harrassment, unequal-opportunity, & other sorts of legal consequences that most employers want no part of! Even if your attention-loving wife is OK with it now, who's to say she won't later come to regard it as harrassment? If you actually have evidence that he sent that message to her, you should be relaying it, along with your letter of complaint, to both their bosses, AND to the organization's general counsel. Tell them you expect to know what actions they will take, otherwise you may be forced to enlist the media in investigating the supervisors' apparent tolerance of this sort of work environment. Put some heat on the situation. Show your wife something worth respecting -- show her that there's conduct that you won't stand for. Yes, she'll be mad. That's not the issue. Her anger won't end your marriage; but her wayward mindset will, if you allow it to persist without adverse consequences. Remember, you're not fighting against her, but you're fighting against her waywardness and against any other man who would take advantage of that.
Are they in a college, or in a public school? 'Cuz ain't no public school board is likely to condone for very long any supervisors who don't come down hard on employees like that guy.
You can fight against this behavior, or you can take your so-called "counselor"'s advice & bend over while this other guy sends MILF messages to your wife without consequences. Your choice. (Not your stupid counselor's).)
Dude, a message like that ("You're a MILF") from one co-worker to another is just loaded with potential for sexual harrassment, unequal-opportunity, & other sorts of legal consequences that most employers want no part of! Even if your attention-loving wife is OK with it now, who's to say she won't later come to regard it as harrassment? If you actually have evidence that he sent that message to her, you should be relaying it, along with your letter of complaint, to both their bosses
This is what I was alluding to, you must act fast on, delaying it will cause you to miss an opportunity, the old saying " strike while the iron is hot", take the pain now and rattle his cage.
How can I say she can't have male friends, or limit it to work contact? I would come off like a control freak.
This woman already proved that she cannot handle having male friends when she had her first affair. You should have told her at that time that male friends were not allowed. If you had, maybe you wouldn't be in the position you are now. Regardless, you are her husband and her lack of boundaries puts you in danger of being hurt again. You have every right to request that she fix her boundary issues.
I went through the same thing you did (read my thread - Betrayed Again). My H had an affair years ago. At the time, I was not aware of MB, so we did not fix his boundary issues. As a result, he had another affair. This time, we have fixed his boundary issues, so I am protected going forward. I only wish I had found Marriage Builders the first time around. I would have saved myself a world of pain.
Listen to the vets here...they know how to fix your marriage.
Xau, I was full hot about calling the OM from my wife's phone. I was talked out of it by my counselor and a few family friends. he's already displayed classless behavior, so any reaction would be a raise for him. As I said, I'm very close with her superior. What angle would I pursue through that? It's not against the law, as far as I know.
Could you explain what to do with his fb page? Im assuming if I were to fully expose this, it would go to those people as well, correct?
Thanks again.
Hi mr18708, I would assert that it shows no class to NOT stand up for your marriage. I would get ahold of this jerk and explain to him that his contact with your wife is inappropriate and unacceptable. Tell him the "friendship" is ended. If this loser is married , then contact his wife and tell her about this communication too. But don't sit there and twiddle your thumbs when your marriage is at risk. Your complacency shows a lack of caring.a man who cares about his marriage, stands up for it.
And we all know why you are "insecure." your wife has poor boundaries around men. She has no business having friends of the opposite sex. Good grief, she has already had 1 affair, did y'all learn nothing from that? Saying you are insecure in your marriage is like saying you feel "insecure" playing chicken after you have been hit once. Want to stop feeling insecure? Then stop playing chicken, it's real simple.
Saying MILF to my wife would have him fired in a heart beat. How about you grab her phone and take it straight to her boss. This EA is as good as dead if you do this. I would change your number and delete his. If you want a real counselor pay for the Harleys. Ditch your "affair enabling" counselor.
P.s. Your counselor is going to destroy your marriage if you let him. He is giving you terrible advice. And so are your friends.
How can I say she can't have male friends, or limit it to work contact? I would come off like a control freak.
I'm insecure. I'll say it straight out. I'm 38, probably 30lbs heavier than when we married, high school educated and wear jeans and boots to work every day. She's beautiful, in every sense of the word, masters level grad, and works with men and women who can be much younger, college grads, and sharp dressers.
It has not that much to do with "looks" and everything to do with meeting ENs -- I think we have a bikini model right now whose H is having an A on her for heaven's sakes -- and it will be pretty tough for you to do a great job of meeting her ENs when she has poor boundaries and allows male friends/coworkers to meet her needs as well.
Look at this:
Are "Friends" a Threat to Your Marriage? Your wife's relationship with her co-worker probably began with ordinary conversation about work-related issues that developed into intimate conversation when they talked about their personal problems. It was probably very innocent at first, because neither understood that they were making massive deposits into each other's Love Banks. But before long, those deposits triggered intense feelings of love that they communicated to each other, and the rest is history.
What happened to your wife, happens thousands of times every day to husbands and wives who feel they should be able to have friends of the opposite sex. They don't see the danger of falling in love when their intimate emotional needs are met outside of marriage. They usually understand that sex is off limits. But they rarely see intimate conversation (communication of emotional reactions and personal problems) as the first step to an affair. If enough Love Bank deposits are made to trigger romantic love, then our instincts to meet the intimate emotional needs of affection and sexual fulfillment become almost irresistible. Your wife has said that her affair was just emotional, but you can be sure that if you had not discovered it and she had not put an end to it, it would have become sexual as well.
Your wife is undoubtedly now comparing you to her friend, and finding you wanting. You're not as much fun, not as interesting, not as easy to talk to. That's partly because she's not in love with you anymore. Her primary motive to remain married to you is probably her concern for your two children. And she's right to be concerned. A divorce would be a disaster for them. She has decided to stay married to you for their sake, even though it means she must leave her soulmate behind. But she doesn't understand how important it will be for your children, and for each of you, to restore her love for you - for you to be her soulmate. And she doesn't understand how her love for you can be restored.
Listen, I am not telling you to put the cart before the horse. Definitely focus on killing the EA. But please be aware that without EPs in place, it is just a matter of time before the next EA comes along...
If your husband, or anyone else, for that matter, doesn't take extraordinary precautions to avoid an affair, they'll end up having one because they're so common and so tempting. From my perspective, it's that simple.
How can I say she can't have male friends, or limit it to work contact? I would come off like a control freak.
How is that sounding like a control freak? I don't have male friends not in common with my husband. I don't hang out with men, I don't have lunch with men, nothing like that. My H would not permit that. And he doesn't meet one-on-one for lunch, or anything else, with women.
Now, on the other hand? Back in the day, when I was a clueless wife who trusted her H "100%" he told me he was taking a new secretary to lunch. Guess who that was? His future affair partner. Did I say anything about those one-on-one lunch dates? Nope. Because I trusted my husband 100%!
BAD IDEA. TERRIBLE IDEA. You should never trust your spouse 100%!
So the innocent lunch dates turned into a full-blown affair. See how it works?
Your wife should not have male friends of her own. And they definitely should not be texting, inappropriate texts or otherwise.
That's not being a control freak. That's protecting your M, the most important thing you've got.
especially when I've still got trust issues from years ago.
Please do not label yourself as having "trust issues". This is your body's natural and healthy way of telling you you are not safe.
We can't force ourselves to trust someone. Trust grows or diminshes based on someone's behavior. When your W had an A, she naturally lost your trust and then she continued the same reckless behavior that led to her first A so OF COURSE you don't trust her!
Thank you folks. I'll expand more on what has been posted.
The first affair was with who I thought was one of my best friends in the world. He was the guy I would have cried to if I found out my wife was cheating. I didn't adjust to marriage like I should have, plus my job had me traveling for weeks on end. Top it off with this guy being a step away from a predator, and I was screwed.
The OM now is a co worker, non married. How I wish I could have kept that text. But even if I did, wouldn't any complaint have to come from my wife, not me?
I've already told my wife I wouldn't be contacting him. Do you think he would stop or just feel emboldened enough to keep it up? He has to know she's married, and I can't lay out anything that could be perceived as a threat. Unless I get something else to go on, which I hope I don't, I think calling him up would break my word to my wife. I've told her many times, I'm willing to fight for this marriage, by any means.
The only thing worse than making a bad promise is keeping a bad promise. You need to make it very clear to this man that he was out of line and his inappropriate behavior will not be tolerated by you. Don't threaten, but promise to keep your eye on him and promise - don't threaten - that hell is coming his way if he doesn't stop.
Since this man is threatening your marriage, this very much does concern you. Apparently your wife believes it ok to risk your marriage like this, so obviously the warning will not be coming from her. If you value your marriage at all, you will defend it when it is being threatened. If it is ok for the OM to threaten you, it is ok for you to defend your marriage.
The next big issue I would address is your wife's terrible boundaries around men. She is a loose cannon and is headed towards affair #2 if she doesn't learn appropriate behavior.
The way it was explained to me was this guy is a symptom, not the actual problem. My wife said neither one of us is happy, etc etc, she loves me like a brother now. Hopefully if I get this EN under control in a favorable way, other things will fall into line.
From my perspective, the problem is the mindset of your wife. And the "she loves you like a brother" thing is the direct consequence of that mindset not vice versa.
One thing that I have learned here is that plain hoping that things will fall into line will not work. You have to have a plan and you have to follow it. Otherwise you'll end up like me. My W had also affairs in early marriage. We also swept it under the rug und "moved on". I also had some "trust issues". Eventually, after more affairs lately and affairs of my own and finally me finding MB, ending my own stupid affairs and killing my wife's one we got our lifes back on track.
But only after direct actions of both of us, there was no accidental luck or good position of the stars.
Plan A will attack the "love you like a brother" thing. I'd consider sending a look and attitude to your ww that you're not her brother, you're her husband!
Maybe some new clothes, a new haircut, visit the gym, and look and smell your best! Above all no begging or pleading (women hate that).
Troubleshoot her main EN's and find out what she responds to well. Does she need conversation, affection and admiration? What ARE your ww's emotional needs?
And of course, the whole milf thing needs to be addressed. My own dh called me that one day but that's fine. If somebody ELSE said that to me, they'd get whomped in the face with my big azz purse (have a few of those). It is NOT something nice to say to a woman if she isn't your w.
Does your w know that being called that by somebody OTHER than their partner is an insult? Have you framed it that way? If she's a professional woman, then she is probably concerned with others SEEING her as that equal professional, so I'd play that card. Tell her it's insulting as a PROFESSIONAL woman for another equal to say that to her, that it degrades her and is not something that should be said in the workplace.
Can you check your cell bill to find if there are lots of texting and calls to potential om's number?
Here's my take. If she is NOT in an affair, she's close to one b/c of her lack of romantic feelings to you and her inappropriate boundaries w/the opposite sex.
So that has to stop now. And YOU, sir, need to do an awesome, dude-ly plan A! Win her back with A! Learn those top EN's she has and center front focus on those, while looking, and smelling your best. Be THAT guy she fell in love with all over again!
The way it was explained to me was this guy is a symptom, not the actual problem. My wife said neither one of us is happy, etc etc, she loves me like a brother now. Hopefully if I get this EN under control in a favorable way, other things will fall into line.
"Explained" to you by whom? By your counselor?
Buddy, I was once an OM. That's right... I had an affair with a married woman. So I have some perspective on this that you don't have, and pardon me, your "counselor" probably doesn't have either. Now listen up:
Yes, your wife's lack of boundaries is the main problem, but you also have marital boundaries to protect, and this guy is inside your wire, man. It's incumbent on you to lay down some suppressing fire so he understands that as far as he's concerned, "Your wife" = "trouble" for him.
When my OW was throwing herself at me, one of her sob-stories was that (she claimed) her husband didn't want to spend time with her, seemed ambivalent about her, etc. Well, he wasn't ambivalent. [I learned later from her -- too late -- that he woke her up one night as he was crying over the feeling that he was unable to make her happy. But that was later -- too late for me.]
Anyway, he wasn't ambivalent; he certainly cared about his marriage on some level, and perhaps a great deal. (Like you.) He'd actually been suspicious because of her behavior vis-a-vis me, and because of a prior affair she'd been having (of which he also didn't fully know the extent). If he'd come to me early-on and said "I'm not happy with how much time you & my wife are spending together," that might've made a huge difference for me. At the time, I would've argued (somewhat disingenuously) that we were just rehearsing music & talking about music together, and that it wasn't anything for him to be concerned about. BUT I can also say truthfully that I might well have watched my step & caught myself before going all the way over a cliff from an EA to a PA. His stepping in earlier might not have solved her boundary issues by itself, but I can tell ya it sure might've had a salutary impact on mine if I'd thought that I was being watched. (BTW, he finally followed his gut instinct and hired a PI, but that didn't happen until after his wife & I had been in a physical affair for 4 weeks.)
You can write to his superior with the allegation of his MILF comment. Nothing wrong with doing that. Is it ironclad evidence? No. But if his message came from a work account, then they might have backups on their system. Point is, you need to confidently lay down a marker that his lousy conduct, and any further steps on his part onto the territory of your marriage, will not be tolerated lying down.
I understand you want to be seen as taking the high road & being a compelling, nice guy toward your wife. But here's the thing: If she won't send him a clear signal that his conduct is intolerable, it means she's not only willing to tolerate it, but that it is probably filing some sort of emotional need of hers -- for admiration/attention/compliements, whatever. To use an analogy, he's pouring water into her emotional glass. And yes, you can try to do the same, but you won't be able to get all of your water into her glass, because it's already partly full with the water that he's putting into it.
Beyond this, failure on your part to react -- failing to lay down a clear marker -- will send a signal that will be received by him as an indication that you're either too clueless to know, or too ambivalent & passionless to care, that he's sending messages of a inappropriately suggestive nature to your wife.
Take it from me, pal. I know.
The last three posters had it exactly right.
You need to be in Plan A in a big way, and not needy or clingy. Leadership, confidence, closing gaps in your appearance, behaviour. Not an insult, but something is lacking. Easy to fall into that in marriage.
OM needs to know who you are, and that you WILL NOT allow this to happen.
WW needs to know you will defend her and your marriage. If she has poor boundaries, those need to be shored up.
I hope this is just an EA. I was in your position a year ago and I wish I got the advice then that you are getting now. My life for the last year - and the next five might have been very different.
In one sentence - stop worrying about whats already been done or said and get in the fight!
The way it was explained to me was this guy is a symptom, not the actual problem. My wife said neither one of us is happy, etc etc, she loves me like a brother now. Hopefully if I get this EN under control in a favorable way, other things will fall into line.
Yes, he is a symptom of other problems, namely your wife's poor boundaries and the fact that you act like a brother instead of a husband, however, this symptom can SINK your marriage if it is not addressed. The sinking of the Titanic was a "symptom" of bad navigation, but if the sinking was not stopped and addressed, there would be no navigation issues TO address. It is the same with your marriage. Ignoring the affair will only ensure that your marriage does not survive enough to address those other issues.
I KNOW why your wife views you as a brother, it is because you ACT LIKE a brother. You don't protect or defend your marriage. Your complacence reflects a lack of caring.
If you want to turn this around, you need to kill this affair FIRST so you have a marriage to save. We can help you restore the love in your marriage *IF* you man up and run off this interloper. But there is NOTHING - and I mean NOTHING - we can tell you to do that will compensate for the damage this EA is causing. That is because all the need meetin in the world will get you nowhere if her needs are being met elsewhere.
The contrast effect will NEGATE anything you do. Unless you address and kill the affair head on, you are spinning your wheels and wasting your time.
I've already told my wife I wouldn't be contacting him. Do you think he would stop or just feel emboldened enough to keep it up? He has to know she's married, and I can't lay out anything that could be perceived as a threat. Unless I get something else to go on, which I hope I don't, I think calling him up would break my word to my wife. I've told her many times, I'm willing to fight for this marriage, by any means.
You have to out of your rocker if you think things will just "buff" out magically without any kind of action plan. The reason why your wife doesn't want you talking to him is because she is in an affair with him. She is enjoying her kicks as you do nothing. You should be confronting him. You should be exposing this guy for all its worth. You need to tell him back off immediately. Your wife also needs to quit her job if he won't.
I am a teacher who had an A with a single coworker. It was a terrible, inexcusable choice that was brought on by my lack of boundaries, and it was 100% on me. I say that because A) it is the truth and B) I don't want what I am about to say to be misinterpreted.
My DH is a wonderful man. He is also basically passive, not assertive, kind of lets the relationship "happen," and is not apt to be the pursuer. So....when that personality and history was combined with me nursing and allowing my resentment to erode my boundaries.....when the OM told me actively and assertively how attractive, interesting, creative, blah blah blah I was.....well, let's just say I bought it. Being wanted was like a drug. A horrible, wrong, immoral drug, but a drug.
The number one thing that needs to happen is for your wife's thinking to be transformed....that's what I needed.
But she isn't here. So all I can say is fight for not just your M....but for your woman.
As far as the supervisors, I can tell you that like it or not, most administrators (unless it is a private conservative Christian school) might - might - call in the OM AND your W and give them a talk on being professional.....the OM is not going to get fired over a text, Just not gonna happen, especially if the male teacher is a good teacher. Not to mention that most schools re like tiny gossipy towns, and EVERYONE in that building will know about it within 48 hours. Now, the immediate reaction of satisfaction over that is certainly valid.....but especially if you have kids that might attend that school, etc.....unless there is a full blown actual affair, you might not want the entire town knowing about the text.
But this doesn't need to be let go. My DH had some "vibes" about the OM way before the OM hit on me. Man, I wish he had said something. My choices are all on me, but I sure wish I had realized what he was thinking.
I've already told my wife I wouldn't be contacting him. Do you think he would stop or just feel emboldened enough to keep it up? He has to know she's married, and I can't lay out anything that could be perceived as a threat. Unless I get something else to go on, which I hope I don't, I think calling him up would break my word to my wife. I've told her many times, I'm willing to fight for this marriage, by any means.
Doing nothing is Plan Hope. We don't typically see very positive results when a BS chooses Plan Hope. That segues into Plan Doormat after the EA goes PA. That Plan never has a pretty outcome, either.
If you're willing to fight for your marriage I would suggest you corral this punk now and let him know that you have no intention of standing by and watching while he disrespects your wife and your marriage. If a loser potential OM has advance notice that his target's husband is ready to rumble, he will more than likely back off. He has no dog in the fight at that point.
Wait too long and the chance is good that you'll have the much harder work of killing a physical affair.
My wife said neither one of us is happy, etc etc, she loves me like a brother now. Hopefully if I get this EN under control in a favorable way, other things will fall into line.
This is basically a form of ILYBINILWY...which is what waywards say when they have developed a romantic interest in someone else...NOT because you aren't meeting a specific need!
Please read this:
Carrot & Stick of Plan A Get your Plan A together. Make the house a pleasant place to be, get sexy and avoid lovebusters, etc. Do whatever you can to woo your WW back to the M...but please understand this:
But there is NOTHING - and I mean NOTHING - we can tell you to do that will compensate for the damage this EA is causing. That is because all the need meetin in the world will get you nowhere if her needs are being met elsewhere.
This needs to be repeated because it is THAT important for you to understand (and this is perhaps one of the most misunderstood aspects of Plan A). Plan A = BS demonstrates a
willingness to meet ENs. Not necessarily that you will be able to meet your WW's ENs...because it is very difficult to make LB$ deposits when someone is involved in an A.
You need to start thinking about interfering in this A. Like so many other posters have already told you, I would start by letting this OM know that you aren't going to stand by and let him ruin your M.
I know your W already made you promise not to contact him, but the BHs who come here and afraid of conflict and upsetting thier WWs don't make it, Mr1878. We have a saying around here: Your M can survive your W's anger but it won't survive an affair!