I am filled with a sense of emptiness although I don't deserve to find solace. My husband is the victim so I know he's hurting much worse than me. I am filled with a deep sense of sadness and tears are pooling in my eyes. I have tainted an otherwise stable and secure marriage...and it's all my fault, my contribution. My husband may never trust me again and the hard part of that is...there is no timeline...no expiration date of his pain, suffering, and mistrust. I hurt our foundation. I never knew what people were really talking about when they said how painful infidelity is. I just want to escape the pain...but I don't deserve to. I deserve to feel every bit of what I've created and double it...to suffer more than my husband is. I don't know who I am anymore. I've lost faith in myself and my character. I feel unsure in my feet and shoes. I will never know when my husband and I will feel like whole people again. As lOng as he's suffering, I will suffer knowing that I did this.

Does this ever get easier? Will these feelings ever go away for either of us?

I hate myself and despise myself. The words that come to my mind and sum up best are...what have I done???? Oh my God, what have I done????? So much self hatred and remorse is consuming me right now.

Hi HSL,

Would you start from the beginning!

It is easier to follow if you stick to one thread, but kudos to you for posting here and not contacting OM.

HSL: Sorry you are here. Yup, your actions caused tremendous pain.

So, stop the pity party and get to work. Clean up your side of the fence in your marriage.

1) Confess everything your husband wants to know.
2) Stop all contact with other man.
3) Read the Basic Concepts here.
4) Expose your affair to close family and friends and tell them you need help to stay on track.
5) Establish extraordinary precautions (EPs), or rules, that you will live by from now on so that you never, ever, ever do this again.
6) Change your email, cell -- even your job -- if you need to not EVER contact the OM again.
7) Figure out each other's biggest emotional needs and meet them, so that you can help your husband heal and restore the love you nearly threw away.
8) Be attentive to your betrayed spouses' feelings; do whatever he asks.

It's time to put on your big girl shoes and start walking the walk of your marriage vows. Get moving.

EDITED TO ADD: May I suggest keeping your story in your ORIGINAL THREAD? It's just easier to follow than multiple threads.

Welcome.......the experienced members of this board will help you and MARRIAGE BUILDERS has the information and techniques you need to straighten your Marriage out!!
Are you ready to do that?

HSL, it can get easier & better. But it can get easier & better only if you take actions...
-- actions to restore your husband's sense of emotional safety (by taking concrete steps to safeguard against a resumption of the recent affair & prevent any future affair),
-- actions to restore your own feelings of self-worth (by reestablishing yourself as someone with a new track record of keeping commitments to those whom she loves),
-- and actions to improve your marriage (by your working together with your husband to identify & meet one another's emotional needs better, so that you'll have a marriage that was better than before the affair).

It will never get better simply by your wallowing in self-pity. This accomplishes nothing. It does nothing for you. And it does absolutely nothing for your husband to ease his suffering, as you claim to want to do. So knock off the self-pity party and get busy. You can't build the Great Wall of China -- or the fortress of your marriage -- all in one day by simply wishing it so, or by promising it, or by regretting that you didn't build it earlier. You've got to roll up your sleeves & build it -- in the days, weeks & months to come, patiently, persistently, with perseverance, one brick at a time.

I invested in writing some carefully-considered words of advice to you -- a perfect stranger -- over the weekend on your other thread, and as far as I can tell, you've completely blown me off. Have you changed your home phone numbers, your cellphone numbers, your e-mail addresses, given your husband all of your passwords, and closed your Facebook account as suggested? Have you ordered "Surviving An Affair" or picked up a copy & started reading it? These are all examples of initial actions that you can be taking. If you've taken any of these steps, I haven't heard about it.

Have you done any of the above? I'll expect your answer here, or as far as I'm concerned, you're not serious about any of this.

And stick to one thread, please. On the off-chance that you're serious about recovering your marriage, having the relevant history in a single thread makes it easier for the volunteer posters here to offer you appropriate guidance. You can ask the Forum moderators to combine your threads.

I apologize if this sounds harsh. It's not really meant to. First, keep in mind that it's not remotely harsh compared to what people like you & I inflicted upon our spouses when we cheated on them. And secondly, we've seen a lot of wayward wives appear on this board lately, who have been less than serious about recovering their marriages. So far, by ducking the tough questions, you're following the pattern. Please say something, anything, to make me think you're serious. I'll be here if you are.

Remember, I've been in your shoes.