Hello everyone. I am a WW. Striving to be a true FWW. I am here for advice. Advice on how to move on after the affair I was involved in was exposed and terminated in one swift action of exposure. I have been brought to my knees and broken over the pain and hurt i have caused. I do truly know that what I did was wrong and I feel so much regret for what i have done. For the last year and a half I have lived in that crazy fantasy world of a very deep EA/PA.
A brief history of me: I was a BS over ten years ago. My husband denied the truth for years and my marriage never recovered and it just dragged on. A life of angry outbursts, controlling and selfish behavior, verbal abuse, nearly physical abuse continued for me and my son. My love bank was empty, EN's met by my H were a big 0. I don't feel like your typical OW. What is the typical OW anyway? Are we all little gutter rats? I am the Team Mom at the baseball games, the #1 fan in the stands at the football games, the volunteer at school functions. Just your average woman. I don't feel like a monster but am I? I met someone through my son's athletic activities. I was always there alone. My H rarely participated. This OM was attractive, friendly, and basically everything that I found attractive in a man. His most endearing trait was that he was an awesome Dad. Always there for his children. I was extremely attracted to that. His marriage appeared cold and distant from the outside and later I found out that he too was missing those important EN's too. His relationship lacked intimacy, emotional & physical connection and the all important SF need. We were drawn together and the typical affair ensued. It started as talking via cell phones, secret meetings, sexting, hotel visits, before you know it it's ILY's, soul mates, true love, blah, blah, blah, etc. My H was suspicious, looked at phone records and 1st D-Day was upon me. I moved my son and I out the next day. The affair continued and I lived on my own for nearly eight months. During the entire affair we both tried so many times to end it but could not stop going back for more. A true addiction. The addiction continued even when i moved back home. This whole thing was a wake up call to my H. I truly believe he had a spiritual change and is now a new man. 2nd D-day was several months after i moved home. More lies and it never stopped. My H told the OM to leave his family alone and he would leave his family alone. OM agreed but never stopped. My H had been wonderful and trying so hard to meet all my EN's but he knew that somehow the affair was still going on. He finally exposed to the OMW and it all hit the fan. The OM gave all my info to his W who met with me, called me and emailed me repeatedly. She said so many things to me that I so deserved and it was a very hurtful experience. He obviously denied ever caring for me and implied that I was using him for SF just like he was using me. Wow, eye opener! She did admit that there was very little emotional or physical connection between them and she realizes that there are things that she and he need to rebuild. He lied to me just as much as he lied to her. I was there to stroke his ego and give SF and that's about it. I felt much deeper emotions and a true connection with that man. Stupid WW fog! I was blinded by it. I was a liar too but not nearly as devious as he. I can honestly say that she and I have made our peace with one another. As much as that can even happen. I made amends to her in the only way i could by listening, being honest with her when he wouldn't and being accountable for what i did to her. The affair is over and finally there is no contact with the OMW. Contact with OM ended around the day of exposure.
Which leads me to why I am here. My life seems wonderful now. We are doing everything as a family. We are going to a wonderful church. I am trying so hard to meet my BH's needs and show my love for him. He is wonderful and we are totally honest about everything from both of our past painful relationship to our present loving relationship. It is all good except for one thing. I still have feelings somehow for the OM. I don't know why. He kicked me to the curb so fast like I was trash. Is that what I am? I know with all that I am that it is over and I know I will never go through that again or hurt my DH in that way anymore. I betrayed my H but I also feel betrayed by the OM. These are truly unwanted feelings that haunt me. I have dreams and still seem to miss him somehow. What is wrong with me? How have the other FWW's on this board dealt with this? I hope it fades with time but mainly I wish I didn't feel it at all. i only want a happy, loving complete life with my DH and DS with no unwanted feelings in between. So here I am Marital Bliss. You suggested I start my own thread so I look forward to hearing from you.
You ask if OW are "gutter rats," and I would ask you to reconsider making such an insulting comparison. After all, what has a gutter rat done wrong? Nothing. That is an insult to compare him to to an OW, who has done very much wrong.
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It is all good except for one thing. I still have feelings somehow for the OM. I don't know why. He kicked me to the curb so fast like I was trash.
For some reason you are still very fogged out. That is usually a result of being continually triggered and staying in a fantasy. You fantasize about a man who only used you as a piece of toilet paper and then threw you in the trash at the first opportunity. How "romantic" is that?
How would you explain your continued fogginess? Do you still see the OM? Drive by his house? Do your kids go to the same schools? How close does he live? Do you slobber over his facebook pictures? What is keeping you so triggered?
The way you recover from an affair is to a) cut off all contact [and I do mean all, even drive bys and panting over his pictures] and create a romantic relationship with your husband.
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A brief history of me: I was a BS over ten years ago. My husband denied the truth for years and my marriage never recovered and it just dragged on. A life of angry outbursts, controlling and selfish behavior, verbal abuse, nearly physical abuse continued for me and my son. My love bank was empty, EN's met by my H were a big 0. I don't feel like your typical OW. What is the typical OW anyway
Ok, so you are so "special" that you just told the story of 99.9999999% of OW. What do you think defines an OW? It is climbing in the pig pen with some other woman's husband! So, yes you are not only "typical" you are a dime a dozen.
You pass around alot of blame for others but seem to take none yourself. You didn't have an affair because of your husband so I have no idea why you are listing HIS faults. You had an affair because you have sloppy boundaries around men. You allowed another man to meet your emotional needs. THAT is why the affair occurred. And they will occur again if you don't put on your big girl pants and take some personal responsibility here.
There is nothing your husband has ever done to you that is as abusive and cruel as your affair. Yet you are here pointing out his faults in an effort to justify your abuse of him. huh uh.... oh no... That dog won't hunt around here, Madam.
You talk alot about what your husband is doing for you but I want to hear what you have done to earn his forgiveness and make this right. Have you given him just compensation for the crimes you committed against him?
This OM was attractive, friendly, and basically everything that I found attractive in a man. His most endearing trait was that he was an awesome Dad. Always there for his children.
What a great guy. He is such an "awesome dad" that he jeopardized his marriage and his children's safety and security for some filthy, cheap affair. Sorry, but that is not an "awesome Dad," that is a pig* who risked his children's family and his marriage for a big fat nothing.
*my apologies to pigs for the insulting comparison.
HI found out that he too was missing those important EN's too. His relationship lacked intimacy, emotional & physical connection and the all important SF need.
Maybe because he spending his family time boinking you?
Melody Lane: I knew that one was coming and I am sure there are many more like it just waiting. I did come here for help, not to be bashed. But I am a big girl and I can take it. I was hoping an experienced FWW would give me solid advice on how to deal with what's left of my issues. I was giving my history and describing what got me into the mess i put myself in. Believe me there are no drive bys and there are no more pictures or emails to agonize over. Gone. He does live in the same town but our kids go to separate schools. Sorry gutter rats. I didn't mean to insult them. I never said i was special or that my situation was romantic. I was being honest to say what first attracted me. I told my husband recently that I should have turned to him then and let him know that we needed to work on our M. Instead I turned to an A. Wrong move for me. Let me tell you something though. There is not one thing you could say that his wife didn't already say to me. As for the OM he only changed when his wife found out. I am accountable and responsible for what I did. Absolutely 100%. But just like Dr. Harley says, unmet EN's are usually the cause of most affairs. Am I wrong on that? My needs were not met by my H and I was a good W to him for the biggest, let's say the first 11 years of my M. I know what your stance is on boundaries. Mine sucked. You are dead on about boundaries. That is one thing that my H and I are doing now. Meeting each other EN's, EP's so that this doesn't happen again, honest about our feelings. I am trying very hard to make it up to him. I want to be good again. Don't you see that is why I here? I am not making excuses for what i did. It was horrible and selfish. Don't despise me for being honest about my feelings.
Yep. You are right. We were both pigs! No denying that. The affair is over though. No matter how sick and ugly it was. Now I am trying to get better and heal. Is there anyone who can help with that instead of throwing dirt on me.
Melody Lane: I knew that one was coming and I am sure there are many more like it just waiting. I did come here for help, not to be bashed. But I am a big girl and I can take it. I was hoping an experienced FWW would give me solid advice on how to deal with what's left of my issues.
Yes, and that is why I am posting to you. You have to first get honest about the reason you cheated and stop blaming your husband. Stop making excuses for what you did. Someone who takes accountability for their wrongs does not start with a list of SOMEONE ELSE'S FAULTS. You started out with:
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"A brief history of me: I was a BS over ten years ago. My husband denied the truth for years and my marriage never recovered and it just dragged on. A life of angry outbursts, controlling and selfish behavior, verbal abuse, nearly physical abuse continued for me and my son. My love bank was empty, EN's met by my H were a big 0."
.. and then commenced to blaming and bashing your husband. That is NOT taking accountibility. You had an affair for one reason and one reason only: you have poor boundaries around men. Yes, your husband is 50% responsible for the state of your marriage, but YOU are 100% responsible for having an affair. Had you not allowed another man to meet your EN's you would not have had an affair.
Until you take accountability for that, you are risk for a repeat affair. And I would say that risk is very great today just hearing how fogged out you are. The way you have romanticized a roll in the pig pen tells me you are still very fogged out.
So, if you are serious, then drop the blameshifting and start looking at the lady in the mirror. Honesty is the first step.
Yep. You are right. We were both pigs! No denying that. The affair is over though. No matter how sick and ugly it was. Now I am trying to get better and heal. Is there anyone who can help with that instead of throwing dirt on me.
OK, how are you trying to help your BH heal?
Or are you still selfish and only worried about your healing?
How can I help you heal?
By leading you to focus on helping your husband heal from your betrayal. If you work on meeting his needs, eliminating your love busters, I'm pretty confident you'll find that you heal without any extra special techniques.
Just be a good wife, follow the program and help him heal from what you've done to him and you'll find that you've healed in the process of putting another person before yourself.
Yep. You are right. We were both pigs! No denying that. The affair is over though. No matter how sick and ugly it was. Now I am trying to get better and heal. Is there anyone who can help with that instead of throwing dirt on me.
If you agree that you acted like pigs, then why romanticize the OM as if he were a good man instead of a pig? Why object to an accurate characterization?
Smiling Woman, Yes, I know I am still foggy. That is why I came here. I'm ok with getting slammed. No one could have more loathing for me than I do myself. My H has known that the A was still going on for some time. He contacted OM 6 months or so ago but finally exposed A to OMW just over a month ago. Last contact with OM was over the exposure, so over a month ago.
I don't want to be foggy. That is the whole point. I have been reading here for a couple of months. I see what i did. I know how I hurt people. I am not in denial of that or think that i am in any way a good person for what I did.
Absolutely 100%. But just like Dr. Harley says, unmet EN's are usually the cause of most affairs.
Originally Posted by Dr Bill Harley
MelodyLane: Let me add something to what I have already written to you. I hope I'm not being too redundant.
You will hear Joyce and I repeat, "there are reasons but no excuses." One of the reasons for an affair is that emotional needs are not being adequately met in marriage, which makes an affair that meets those needs more tempting. But the same thing can be said of some who rob banks. They may be out of work, need money to pay the rent, ask for a loan but are refused by the bank, which makes robbing it more tempting. One reason for the robbery is that the bank refused the loan, but it wasn't the bank's fault that it was robbed. On hindsight, a bank might have helped the robber get the help he needed through social services, but the bank is under no obligation to do so, even though they advertise that it is a "caring bank."
An affair is different from robbing banks in that a couple have promised to be more caring than banks. But the principle is the same. The lack of care by one spouse does not excuse harmful behavior by the other spouse. Even when one spouse absolutely refuses to be affectionate, or to make love, or to talk intimately, or to join in recreational activities with the other spouse, it gives them no right to have those needs met by someone else of the opposite sex in an affair. They have the right to separate until the other spouse meets those needs, or even divorce when it becomes obvious that there will be absolutely no cooperation (there are many who strongly disagree with me on that point). But an affair is so cruel and so painful that nothing any one spouse does (including having an affair themselves) can justify the suffering that an affair causes.
Making a disgraceful act more tempting by someone is no excuse for that person committing the disgraceful act. Besides, in most marriages, there are times when emotional needs are not being met for reasons beyond anyone's control. That's why I recommend extraordinary precautions to help spouses avoid an affair. They are to not allow anyone of the opposite sex to meet their need for affection, or intimate conversation, or recreational companionship, or sexual fulfillment. When those needs are met, they deposit so many love units that you are likely to fall in love with that person, and make you hurt your spouse in the worst way possible. I hope that explanation helps.
He contacted OM 6 months or so ago but finally exposed A to OMW just over a month ago. Last contact with OM was over the exposure, so over a month ago.
FS, folks here truly do want to help you, but you have to understand that you are still very foggy. That is evidenced by your blameshifting and romantization of the affair.
What seems pretty to you, is disgusting to others so it is good that you hear objective opinions from those who are not emotionally invested in your fantasy. It is shocking to see you talk about what a "great guy" the OM is when in reality he is a scumbag to any objective observer. What kind of "father" risks his child's family for some cheap nookie on the side? How on earth could such a man be called a good father? A good man?
See what I mean? So don't get defensive when people point out the reality to you. When the fog rolls off you will be agreeing.
I don't want to be foggy. That is the whole point. I have been reading here for a couple of months. I see what i did. I know how I hurt people. I am not in denial of that or think that i am in any way a good person for what I did.
Have you told your son the full truth about your affair? Does he know that the OM is the fox in his hen house?
Melody Lane: You are right. I tried to explain myself and I guess it came across as just an excuse. It is very hard to look in the mirror and see yourself for what you really are. I am trying to do that now.
I fully intend to take all those precautions. I can't get stuck in what i did and let it define who i am or could be. There is a remnant of the fantasy/fog still in my head. Would it be better of me to deny it or be honest about it. I want to heal from this. My H has been on this site at my recommendation and loves it. We are applying these principles to our marriage the best that we know how.
I still have feelings somehow for the OM. I don't know why.
Fantasy relationships are usually composed of about 5% reality and 95% daydreaming. You are holding onto the daydreaming fanciful notion of who/what OM represented .... because the real OM was never a part of your life. This is OK if you are a young teenage girl, in love with Justin Bieber. OM is your equivalent of Bieber.
This means, your residual "feelings" for OM are immature and fantasy based.
Best of luck. I bumped a thread of mine for you. To The Unfaithful Lurkers - A Gift. There is a lot of basic information on that thread that may help you dump your fantasy and become a happy woman in the real world.
Is there anyone who can help with that instead of throwing dirt on me.
Listen to people when they tell you there is dirt on you. It's important information, if you want to get clean.
Dirt on me: angry and abusive toward my wife. The solution did not involve asking people to not tell me about this, nor did it involve talking about my wife's faults.
Do you want help? Listen to everything MelodyLane says, think through it, and do anything she suggests. More importantly, read through every article on this site. Have you read Dr. Harley's entire section on recovery from an affair? Pages and pages worth of articles?
I can't get stuck in what i did and let it define who i am or could be.
You had better get "stuck" in getting honest about what you did if you want to move forward. You can't sweep this under the rug. And from what I have read so far, there has been no effort to get honest. You are real good about getting honest about your husband's shortcomings, but not yours. I view that as a DISTRACTION from taking an honest look AT YOU, the person who chose to have an affair.
Saying you don't want to "get stuck" in the past does not entitle you to sweep it under the rug and absolve you of getting honest. That won't work.
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There is a remnant of the fantasy/fog still in my head. Would it be better of me to deny it or be honest about it.
It is not a remnant and you are in denial. The romantization of the fleabag OM and blameshifting reflects fog and denial, not honesty.
Enlightened: I am working very hard to make him happy. I am giving him the love & affection that was stolen from him. I saw how much he loved me even when deep in the A. What was i thinking?
I came here to get advice, maybe encouragement. Maybe what I need is what all those who are slamming me are saying. To realize that the OM is not so great after all. And neither am I. But I am forgiven. That i do know.
I will be a good wife to my BH. His true colors are the ones who have come shining through.
Don't flinch from hearing the truth about you OR about OM. You tried a bit of blameshifting and distraction on your own behalf, which is kinda foggy, while at the same time at least taking some responsibility, which is a good start.
But let someone start saying something bad about OM, and listen to you stick up for him. There's nothing to stick up for. The sooner you realize how badly that whole thing is dripping with sleaze, and yes all over OM too, the sooner you will return to reality and be ready to do your part in repairing the damage you caused.
Throwing dirt on you? Piffle! We all know what a beautiful, grace-filled wife you have the potential to become. Some damaging mindsets are blocking your way, and a totally off-base, grotesquely romanticized view of the OM.
How do you stop having feelings for him? A big part of the answer is to see him as he really is - an amoral, immoral cad who was prepared to tear his whole family apart, rip out his wife's guts, and damage his children forever and ever, all so his twinky could feel good for a few minutes.
Yep, you did the same thing. No frills, no sappy music, no Hollywood glossover.
Until you truly grasp the depravity of your and OM's adultery, you won't be in a position to grow into the wonderful person we all know you can be.
Hopefully your husband has not forgiven you yet, because that would be unwise and inappropriate. Why not print this out and hand it him? This article explains how it is beneficial to your marriage for you to EARN that forgiveness by giving your husband just compensation.
Originally Posted by Dr Harley
To make matters worse, whenever a wayward spouse sees me for counseling there is rarely regret and rarely a willingness to compensate the offended spouse. They usually ask to be forgiven, but that doesn't mean he or she is deeply remorseful. It usually means that he or she doesn't want us to bring up the subject anymore, or require a change in behavior.In other words, the wayward spouse wants the pain suffered by the offended spouse to be ignored or forgotten. Like a $10,000 debt, they want it forgiven, and then they want to borrow another $10,000.
I'm in favor of forgiveness in many situations, but this isn't one of them. In the case of infidelity, compensation not only helps the offended spouse overcome the resentment he or she harbors, but the right kind of compensation helps restore the relationship and prevents the painful act from being repeated.
In most cases, an offended spouse would be unwise to forgive the wayward spouse without just compensation. It's like forgiving a friend of the $10,000 he owes you, when it's actually in the friend's best interest to pay you in full because it would teach him how to be more responsible with money.
Maybe what I need is what all those who are slamming me are saying. To realize that the OM is not so great after all.
Absolutely. That is a huge part of the de-fogging process. But again, it's not slamming, even if it feels that way. It is one of the early steps toward redemption and healing.
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And neither am I. But I am forgiven. That i do know.
The forgiveness has to be a process. Your BH's pain is only beginning to unfold. He is going to continue to suffer for months, even several years, over what you did to him.
He will not only have to forgive you for what you did, but for each new pain that comes along with his healing. I wish I could tell you that it's just a moment's work to forgive adultery, but it's not. It takes years. As long as the pain lasts, there is a need for new forgiveness.
So here I am Marital Bliss. You suggested I start my own thread so I look forward to hearing from you.
Very good, foreversunshine. It's good to see you here and committed to repairing this damage you've caused.
I see that you're already getting very good advice from some very wise posters. Be a smart girl and absorb what you're reading. It will only help you.
I've got some comments and a few questions. You say NC began a month ago. That means the tragedy is still fresh in your BH's mind. What actions have you been doing to help your poor H heal?
You are still going through withdrawal from OM and all that hearts&flowers crap the two of you spewed at each other. Like any addiction, you've got to get through withdrawal before you can really clear out the residual fog. Some of what you've said is danged annoying to BWs and you're going to get some 2X4s for your efforts. Accept them. They'll help you by giving you a real barometer to measure reality vs. fantasy.
You're getting a lot of good comments to help you sweep out that fog. I'm not going to repeat a lot of them (like the blameshifting you've done with your H's perceived lack of attention) I'll show you a few of the comments you've made that stood out to me:
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I was a liar too but not nearly as devious as he.
You're a wayward, dear. By definition you are a liar. Your OM is a liar, as well. It serves no purpose to try to determine who the bigger liar is. So skip this.
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I can honestly say that she and I have made our peace with one another.
You're lucky she didn't shoot your adulterous behind. Betrayed spouses have been known to do that. If she's made her peace with you, she's a bigger woman than I would have been at D-Day.
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He kicked me to the curb so fast like I was trash.
ANd you know what else? He had probably been trying to figure out how to dump you for quite a while before that. My H wanted to dump his AP and couldn't figure out how. Because he was an addicted, addled wayward. It's a wonder he could tie his own shoes!
How have you eliminated potential avenues of contact with OM? Have you stopped going to your children's sporting events, or anywhere else he might be?
Do your children attend the same school? How far away do you live from OM?
I want to heal from this. My H has been on this site at my recommendation and loves it. We are applying these principles to our marriage the best that we know how.
I haven't seen anyone mention this, yet, but Dr. Harley and his wife Joyce have a radio show where you can email them and ask questions on the air. I am sure they would love to provide help to you and your husband.
Plenty of times I have heard Dr. Harley speak to women in exactly your situation:
I will admit that I was scared to post my thread here. I wish I was more meaningful and expressive with my words but I am not good at that obviously. I need to be slapped around because I am still holding on to that fantasy in some way.
I am listening and please forgive me for being defensive. This is extremely hard. What i want is to live my life with my H and son and be a good wife and mother. It was cowardly of me to try to make it all look pretty and understandable as to why sweet little me would do such a crappy thing. I have always tried to sugar coat things to make them look better.
I came here to get advice, maybe encouragement. Maybe what I need is what all those who are slamming me are saying. To realize that the OM is not so great after all. And neither am I. But I am forgiven. That i do know.
Yes, the Lord's forgiveness is a wonderful thing, something I have needed reminding of many times after my infidelity.
It's that pesky human forgiveness that is the kicker.
We may forgive too quickly, because we're raised perhaps to believe when someone tells us they are sorry, we are supposed to forgive, b/c it is the "right" thing to do.
My own BH's forgiveness is my brass ring, and it's something I may never be given. "Given" being the operative word, since none of us are entitled to forgiveness.
I am proud of you for being here, FSS, but you must understand that you have a long way to go yet. The folks throwing "dirt" on you have been the same ones who lumped "dirt" on me when I got here. I was much further removed from my A than you are, and wasn't fogged over the OM, but struggling with my own selfishness.
The first step in marital recovery is no contact (NC) for life. That includes contact in your head - the kind of contact (daydreaming? fantasizing?) that is keeping you foggy. Get rid of anything and everything that reminds you of or is associated with the OM. Those are triggers for both you and your BH.
I'll read back through your thread and post more later. For now, thank the people with the "dirt" because sometimes, others can see our dirt a lot better than we can. Kind of like when I go to someone else's house and notice dust on the baseboards...
Thank your lucky stars that your BH wants to attempt restoration of your M. What this means, though, is that the weight of recovery is going to primarily be on your shoulders. He may be all in at first, but he is riding a roller coaster of emotions, and you may very well have to deal with his anger and his resentment. You need to get defogged quickly and onto learning all the MB concepts, and you will need to be prepared to carry the full load of recovery, not moon over the OM.
Because deep down, you know the OM was no prize at all. None of us are prizes when we are wayward.
Neak: Thank you for commenting. I am accepting all this and letting it in. I read your story and you are amazing. I truly want to restore my marriage. There is no other man who can love me the way my H does. I will invest all the time it takes.
First step: Stop believing in cheesy music lyrics to somehow convince yourself it was okay to destroy your husband. My wife tried that same thing when friends tried to show her the truth. "God forgave me".
God forgives honest truly repentant sinners. You are just now starting to be honest. You still have a long way to go to be "forgiven" by God or anyone else.
Thank you for coming here. You are on the right path again. The chemical addiction will fade just as it does with meth or heroin. For a lot of addicts it takes hard, in your face truth in order to break through the fog. Thats why people are giving it to you.
Marital Bliss: Yay! You showed up. Thanks for your post to encourage me to start my own thread. It is enlightening, to say the least. And very well needed. I don't forsee any accidental contact with OM. Our kids go to different schools.
Melody Lane: I knew if you showed up it would be tough. But thank you for being honest with me. I need to hear the things you are saying.
Thanks to everyone for your advice. I will be back tomorrow.
Sometimes that pesky job of mine ties me up and keeps me from posting. I was looking for you. I'm glad you're here!
My concern is that you were originally in contact with OM through attending your son's athletic activities. How will you keep this from happening again?
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Melody Lane: I knew if you showed up it would be tough. But thank you for being honest with me. I need to hear the things you are saying.
Unmet emotional needs are why folks go looking other places to get their needs met.
Poor boundaries are what enable them to choose to get those needs met outside their marriages, rather than taking the actions needed to get their needs met inside your marriage.
I'll paraphrase another. When you think you've done everything to get your needs met, that's probably not true. You've likely only said everything, or simply only THINK you've said everything.
When you are dealing with a man, typically, but not always, it's ACTION that sends the clearest of messages. So if you want him to be more affectionate, you show him by being affectionate towards him, perhaps also meeting what you know to be one of his top needs.
I.E. if you want him to hold your hand, maybe you take his hand, hold it a while, and then ask him to walk hand in hand to the bedroom and fulfill one of his emotional needs in a way that he's sure to say he's never been fulfilled in a more satisfying fashion.
Then say, if you liked that, hold my hand more, and I'll be happy to do even more of that.
See how that could be far more effective than simply asking if he could, "be more affectionate?"
That's just an example. The core idea is just because you think you've done everything you can, it's probably not true. You've probably only said everything you can think of, and it may be 100% ineffective.
Originally Posted by Justlooking24
Originally Posted by foreversunshine
But just like Dr. Harley says, unmet EN's are usually the cause of most affairs.
Absolutely 100% wrong.
The "cause" of your affair was your inability keep your pants on for a scumbag cheater.
Unmet EN's are a prime cause of marriages failing. Not affairs.
Getting back to your post, unmet emotional needs are simply opportunities to effectively communicate both your needs and to learn how to meet the needs of your spouse.
You can choose to learn how to communicate and negotiate for the mutual meeting of needs, or you can demonstrate poor boundaries and bad judgment and have an affair.
It's not the unmet needs that cause the affair, it's the decision of those who have the affair that causes the affair.
...I was a liar too but not nearly as devious as [my OM]....
Sunshine, as a FWH, I can tell you that this line of thinking isn't going to move you forward. You'd be best off dropping it.
Stick with me while I ask you 3 questions: --Did he lie to & deceive your husband? --Did you? --So then, from the standpoint of your marriage, who was worse: OM, or you?
Do you get it now?
I can blame my OW for a lot. Almost 3 years after my affair, I can still honestly say that she made the first moves, and that had she not, I don't know if I ever would've become interested in her, much less developed a relationship with her.
But that doesn't matter, because before my OW ever made a single move or untoward suggestion, I already had all the knowledge & tools I needed to honor my marriage vows, irrespective of anything my OW did or didn't say or do. But I chose not to. Just like you chose not to. I was too lazy to communicate my needs to my wife then, and too lazy to try harder to discern my wife's needs & meet them then (so that she in turn might've been more enthusiastic about me & my needs prior to the affair). And when OW started acting interested in me, to the point where I realized it, I could've put a stop to it. But I chose not to. You made the same wrong choice. You made it all by yourself, just like I did. You'd better fully own it.
Yes, your OM dishonored your marriage and may well have lied to & deceived you. So? Why would you be the least bit surprised at this? Look how little human regard he had for your husband -- a stranger to your OM, a man who'd probably never done your OM any wrong! Would a decent man do that to another man? So upon what evidence do you believe that your OM was a decent man? The complete body of evidence must be examined as a complete body -- you can't just crop out the evidence that doesn't fit the fantasy-picture that you wished to see, and expect to come to a sensible judgement based upon the rigged evidence that you choose to focus on ("but he was a great dad to his kids", or "he sure was nice to me [while he was looking forward to getting his fingers inside my thong]" ).
You've got to look at the whole picture, sunshine. Doing so will put OM in the proper light. There'll be nothing, then, to pine for, nothing to be wistful over, nothing worth missing.
The way you fix a broken marriage & make it better than it was pre-affair is to forget about the interloper & the dead-end question of whether he was worse than you; and instead, focus on your marriage. List & keep to your extraordinary precautions. Know & meet your husband's emotional needs, and make sure he knows yours so that he has a fair chance to meet them. Protect his feelings, be honest with him, care for him, and spend time with him.
If you do things right, you'll still feel like crap for a long time on account of what you've done to your spouse. Maybe forever. I still do. But I don't have to feel like crap for seeing my OW's conduct or character in a positive light, because I don't see it that way. And I won't have to feel like I didn't give my marriage my best following the affair, because I know that I don't waste time hashing over my relationship with OW anymore -- a relationship that never should've been anyway -- instead of properly focusing on my relationship with my wife.
Your relationship with your husband is where you need to put your focus from now on. Spending your brain's bandwidth on anything else is just wasted time.
Do you know why everyone is telling you that you are still in the fog? I know you sense that you are, but do you know why everyone is jumping up and down about this?
Go back and read your first post, read it carefully.
You explain you had the affair because your needs were not being met and in fact your H had cheated on you. Right?
Then you say OM was the sort of man you were looking for: kind, talked, supported his child, etc. right?
But, when D-day came, he turned on you and blame shifted. Doesn't sound quite so good does he? Of course he isn't. He cheated on his W, he helped you cheat on your H, and then he threw you under the bus or tried to. Now is that the sort of man you find attractive? Be honest with yourself.
Meanwhile the H the failed to meet your needs, cheated on you, has done what? He has tried, he has not thrown you under the bus, and he is asking for a second chance to build this marriage in a much better way. Now is that the sort of man you find attractive? Be honest with yourself.
The point people are sticking on is that no matter what your H did or did not do, you should have honored your vows and if you found the situation really bad, filed for divorce before seeking your H's replacement. You did not do that, thus you violated your OWN vows, your OWN boundaries, your OWN honor.
I understand that you were describing how you felt about OM then, but the question is why would OM warrent any consideration give the type of man he has proven to be? How does he compare favorably to your H in way or fashion, give his behavior? You need to address that? It is a problem within yourself and really is not about OM.
FS, now that much of the dust has settled resulting from the unfortunate impression your opening post gave, (In the future, remember less is often more. "I had an affair, my BH exposed and OM threw me under the bus, but sadly I retain affectionate feelings for him. Help!" would have been better than your "Ode to Poor ME!") I think I'll join in as a recovered BH.
Okay, all that said, let's get to the issue here. You were in need of satisfaction of certain (unknown) ENs and went outside your marriage to supply them. You have to find out what they were, because the fact that you are still having pleasant thoughts of OM likely means that they are still under-supplied. Maintaining a strict NC policy toward OM will simply mean you will not any longer receive them from him, but the need for them will remain.
What did you and OM do? What did you feel different with OM than with your BH? What did you feel before, and after, being with OM?
There are many possible answers from the obvious to the very obscure, and occasionally very dark. (Look at the stories of celebrity/politician cheaters, whose motivation often appears to cheat just to prove they're able to do so.) But you have to find what it was OM provided, and either source it more correctly from your BH, or, if necessary, engage in major work to rid yourself of "needs" that spring from inappropriate mental/emotional compulsions. (Think Hugh Grant picking up that LA hooker!)
Start with the EN Questionnaire on this site. You and your BH should complete them and review the results.
Foreversunshine, I am a WW. I wish I could say that I am a FWW but I have not earned that from my husband yet.
I completely understand how you feel. You need time. I was in a fog/withdrawl for 6 MONTHS after D-Day. This was because I was still "checking up" on the POSOM. He had changed his FB status from single to "in a relationship" only 6 weeks after I sent him the NC letter. Then he posted a picture of him and his girlfriend. So I, like you, felt kicked to the curb.
I took several steps that helped me out of the fog.
1. Do not have ANY contact with him (formal or informal). Do not check up on him. Keep in mind that it doesn't matter what he is doing because you've made the decision to meet your husband's emotional needs. I had to write a "goodbye" letter to my POSOM's sister and she was one of my very best friends but it is too risky for me to continue to be friends with her.
2. When you begin to ruminate, keep this image in your head: Ruminate means to "chew cud". The defintion of cud is: "Food regurgitated from the first stomach to the mouth of a ruminant and chewed again." Imagine yourself spitting the cud out instead of continually swallowing it and then bringing it up again.
3. Use MB as your AA. Do you have a close friend who you can talk with? Who can remind you that your fantasies are just that.....fantasies.
4. Make a list of what you love about your husband. Keep pictures of him and your child all over the place. When you feel like ruminating or contacting the OM, look at the pictures and realize what you have to "lose" versus thinking you'd be gaining anything by being with the OM.
5. Journal your thoughts when you begin ruminating by listing the following: a. The time of the thought b. What were you doing when you had the thought? c. What was the specific thought? d. How did this thought make you feel? e. What was the outcome of the thought? (crying, having the urge to contact him, etc.) f. Wait a few hours then come back to your paper and try to cognitively rework that thought. For example, I used to think that my POSOM was sober and happyily living with his new girlfriend already. When I went back, I reworked it by saying that "thoughts are just thoughts". I have no proof that he is sober or living with her. And so what if he is sober and living with her? Doesn't matter because I have the best husband in the world. See what I mean?
6. Read, read, and read........Keep reading posts, read books on affair recovery, read books on love addiction.........
Time is what you need. Stay strong. You will know when you are through the withdrawl. You will feel differently. One month is a very short time. Try my suggestions and remember you escaped the trap of the addiction and now have the chance to make things right. Hope this helps. I, too,came here looking for help. Read my original post so you'll know my situation. Let me know if I can help in any other way. CT
I am really starting to get it. Yesterday afternoon I was so depressed and considered having my thread removed. I thought to myself that I wasn't ready for this yet, that maybe I wasn't prepared to handle the constructive criticism I was getting.
I have never been to rehab but this must be what it is like. Marriage Builders rehab for addicts. Intervention can be hard on the one who receives it but also very necessary. I can see that now.
JL, NG, Gloveoil, Comedy- your posts are truly speaking to me. Words to help heal my soul. My DH just sent me a cute pic to cheer me up. He loves me so much. He is being that man that has all those qualities that i thought the OM had. But the difference is that he truly loves me and I am his world. He tells me that all the time.
Melody Lane- you are right. I showed up here very dirty. Thanks for the water hoses.
Thank you all so much. I am going to hang out here awhile and listen, read and learn.
I am really starting to get it. Yesterday afternoon I was so depressed and considered having my thread removed. I thought to myself that I wasn't ready for this yet, that maybe I wasn't prepared to handle the constructive criticism I was getting.
And you didn't do that. As I have always said, wild horses could not run off someone who is serious about recovery.
I am going to hang out here awhile and listen, read and learn.
Good. We want you here. We also want you to keep posting. Don't be afraid. All we are doing (when we are mean & tough) is pointing out your fallacy thinking and the lies you tell yourself. We want you to stop betraying yourself. Yes, you betrayed your husband, but more importantly, you betrayed yourself.
Be prepared to have an epiphany soon. In a few weeks. We've seen it time after time.
FS, I am right where you are. We are addicts, but we can recover. We can be givers instead of takers. We both have husbands who love us. We are both coming out of the fog. I am depressed too, but I have hope. Hope does not disappoint. Joy will come FS !! Let's hang in there together. We've been given the gift of a second chance. You can do it !
I am really starting to get it. Yesterday afternoon I was so depressed and considered having my thread removed. I thought to myself that I wasn't ready for this yet, that maybe I wasn't prepared to handle the constructive criticism I was getting.
And you didn't do that. As I have always said, wild horses could not run off someone who is serious about recovery.
No Mam, I didn't. I plan to stay and work this out. Maybe I tried to make it sound more understandable and logical(according to me)as to why I would do such a thing. Perhaps to make me seem better than I was. When in truth I feel pretty horrible about what I did. It is so hard to see myself for who i really am. I messed up really bad and God help me I don't want to ever do that again.
You guys have seen it all, aren't buying my crap and are holding me accountable. I appreciate that. You are one tough lady.
FS, I am right where you are. We are addicts, but we can recover. We can be givers instead of takers. We both have husbands who love us. We are both coming out of the fog. I am depressed too, but I have hope. Hope does not disappoint. Joy will come FS !! Let's hang in there together. We've been given the gift of a second chance. You can do it !
Hi Free! This is tough. I held my husband so tight last night and told him how much i love him. I am holding on for dear life. We can do it! I pray for a heart full of love and passion for my husband every day. It is working. Thank you for inspiring me. I will go read your posts. It helps to not feel so alone.
The Giver is the part of you that follows the rule: do whatever you can to make the other person happy and avoid anything that makes the other person unhappy, even if it makes you unhappy. It's the part of you that wants to make a difference in the lives of others, and it grows out of a basic instinct that we all share, a deep reservoir of love and concern for those around us.
But the Giver is only half of the story. The other half is the Taker. It's the part of you that follows the rule: do whatever you can to make yourself happy and avoid anything that makes yourself unhappy, even if it makes others unhappy. It's the part of you that wants the most out of life, and it grows out of your basic instinct for self-preservation.
The giver is all about love and concern and the taker is our selfish side...so how can the giver be bad, or the taker be good?
Everybody recognizes the "good" in the giver and how giving can enhance relationships, but here's how a "bad" giver can ruin your marriage if all your marital choices are made solely selflessly:
*your giver is not honest....he won't tell your spouse what you need because he more concerned about your spouse feels, whether your spouse gets his needs met, than protecting your interests or your feelings. If your spouse asks the giver if it's okay to do something....even something you don't want to do...the giver says okay.
*your giver is the one who creates resentment...all that dishonesty cloaked in care....leads to misunderstandings, mixed signals, missed opportunities. The giver thinks...my spouse should KNOW what I need....just like I know what he needs.
*your giver is your martyr....endless giving creates the ever suffering spouse. Givers are praised for their selflessness, but they become very unhappy until all that's left is to somehow enjoy the pain....and get what secondary gain that offers.
*givers avoid risk and change...no rocking the boat...who knows what could happen? Nope, givers like safety....even when that involves enduring discomfort.
*givers believe in unconditional love...because they don't ask for conditions. They just give.
*givers handle your tender emotions...fear, sadness, care, consideration. They also tend to be weepy and needy.
We all know how "bad" the taker can be....afterall he's the guy who makes selfish demands, angry outbursts and most of our other LBs. But how can the taker be "good"?
*your taker is the guy you need at the negotiation table....because your giver will NOT create harmony, fairness, honesty in the dealings. Without your taker, your giver will create an environment of sacrifice....leading to resentment, anger and loss of love.
*your taker is honest about what you need and gives your spouse the information to CHOOSE to show you he loves you in the way that you would like it. He doesn't require mind reading...he lays it on the table.
*your taker fights for what you need and doesn't let you sit home three weekends in a row...he makes sure you're part of the fun.
*your taker is not an enabler or codependent.
*your taker saves your marriage as often as your giver does by making sure that reciprocity exists.
*your taker is willing to take risks and make changes.
As an example, I'd like to put forward my own marriage and how my giver undermined the happiness in my marriage for years. I NEVER went into negotiations with my taker....so I never even got close to getting what I wanted. I always put my husband first. But I wasn't happy. I didn't like it.....and I BLAMED HIM for not giving me what I wanted even though I wasn't honest and he didn't know how to please me. There is no negotiation without the taker...the giver just says "fine", do what you want. I lived with resentment every time he did what he wanted. I punished him for it too. And I was not someone who he would want to spend time with in the future either because I was pretty much angry all the time.
Letting my taker out saved my marriage. Oh to be sure, I couldn't let my taker rant and rage....but once he wasn't in chains all the time, he was far less volatile. My taker is the one who found out that my husband was actually willing and pretty enthusiastice about negotiation. Instead of the old pattern...H wants to do something...I say yes...then treat him badly. The new pattern goes like this....H wants to do something, I tell him how I might feel enthusiastic about that...we come to an agreement about how we can both get what we need....and I treat him well...and we both have fun! He gets to enjoy his activities without guilt. I know that I won't be neglected because we have also made plans together.
I am going to hang out here awhile and listen, read and learn.
Good. We want you here. We also want you to keep posting. Don't be afraid. All we are doing (when we are mean & tough) is pointing out your fallacy thinking and the lies you tell yourself. We want you to stop betraying yourself. Yes, you betrayed your husband, but more importantly, you betrayed yourself.
Be prepared to have an epiphany soon. In a few weeks. We've seen it time after time.
Thank you Pepper. I know this is what I need. This is my support group. I have been such a liar. To myself, my BH and all the other people I have all convinced that I am such a sweetheart. I have been careless with my actions and my words. Waiting for that epiphany.
Thats okay. Its normal as a WW. Deep inside of most every WW is the guilt and shame of what they are doing. If that guilt and shame is not managed correctly it can sometimes overwhelm the betrayer when it surfaces. Betrayers turn to denial, justification and objectification to somehow assuage the horrible shame and guilt they are feeling. My wife somehow convinced herself a 3 time married, greaseball mechanic hitting on married women on Facebook was a "wonderful" reason to lose God, her husband, her family, friends, church, small group, job, etc. THe loser was "misunderstood" and her "Soul mate" *BARF*
You are not a bad person. You did a bad thing. Stay the course. Hang on through the withdrawal (similar to heroin or meth). Turn to God. Love and honor your husband.
One concern I have, and you need to be watchful for. You shared this place with OMW. If she comes here, this place isn't big enough for the both of ya. No Contact includes MB.
However, if that happens, please don't just disappear. Notify a mod, and ask them if they have any bright ideas for how you can continue to receive support, while not turning OMW away, and maintain NC at the same time. It's a tall order, but if anyone can do it, they can.
And, at the very least, they can let the rest of us know what happened.
Thank you JL24. I will hang in there. I am doing all I can to love and honor my husband. He has shown me true love. He says that he forgives me. Our pastor said last Sunday. Forgiveness isn't restoration. Forgiveness is necessary but not the same as restoration.
I am committed to restoring my marriage. I would love to say loser things about the OM. From outside appearance he appears just great, but on the inside i guess it's a different deal altogether.
I know this foggy thing will pass for me. I want to protect my BH and my DS from this ever happening again. That is why I am here. To learn from others who have experienced this from both sides. Thanks again.
Neak, I just recommended that she come and read on the site. I have no idea if she has or not. I don't think so but will be watchful. I am sure she probaby did not want to take my advice. How would I know? Just by reading her posts and seeing similarities.
IMO, chances are better than even that you would recognize her if she came here.
Maybe she won't. I know I would never have taken advice from the OW. My dear advisers here had a big when she did try and give me marital counsel.
Still, it does happen every once in a while. If you already have a plan in place, then you'll be ready to take action on the small chance this scenario ever comes to pass.
I still have feelings somehow for the OM. I don't know why.
Fantasy relationships are usually composed of about 5% reality and 95% daydreaming. You are holding onto the daydreaming fanciful notion of who/what OM represented .... because the real OM was never a part of your life. This is OK if you are a young teenage girl, in love with Justin Bieber. OM is your equivalent of Bieber.
This means, your residual "feelings" for OM are immature and fantasy based.
Best of luck. I bumped a thread of mine for you. To The Unfaithful Lurkers - A Gift. There is a lot of basic information on that thread that may help you dump your fantasy and become a happy woman in the real world.
Pepperband that was awesome! Yesterday I was so overwhelmed with all the posts that I didn't get a chance to read it. I am fortunate that I have a husband that is willing to recover our marriage.
All of you vets here: You help change lives. I am on the right road. All of you have helped me to work on putting the OM in the correct perspective. Thank you so much.
All of you vets here: You help change lives. I am on the right road. All of you have helped me to work on putting the OM in the correct perspective. Thank you so much.
If you're like many other waywards, you're going to have moments where you see him for the scumbag that he is, and then boom! you're missing him terribly.
Don't get all crazy and think that the two of you MUST be soulmates if you're having doubts. It's all a part of withdrawal and some foggy thinking.
Make sure you post here when these thoughts rear their ugly heads. We'll help you get rid of those.
You are probably right but today I am feeling optomistic. But I do realize that I am not out of the woods yet. I will be ready for that (I hope) when it happens. I am better today than I was yesterday.
You had asked yesterday if our kids were still in the same sports association. They aren't. Luckily we are on opposite parts of town. Our kids will go to separate high schools too.
I will come back for counseling when needed. Promise.
You are probably right but today I am feeling optomistic. But I do realize that I am not out of the woods yet. I will be ready for that (I hope) when it happens. I am better today than I was yesterday.
You had asked yesterday if our kids were still in the same sports association. They aren't. Luckily we are on opposite parts of town. Our kids will go to separate high schools too.
I will come back for counseling when needed. Promise.
Just going to a kids sporting event will probably trigger you for quite a while. Make a plan now on how you will handle that.
I suggest you always have someone safe with you who can help keep you sane.
You will need to put extraordinary precautions in place to avoid relapse and triggers.
My H will be right there with me. We have gone to several football and baseball games and did great. It's crazy but the whole supportive dad thing has always been a huge need for me. Now he is doing that faithfully and is amazed at the relationship that he has grown with our son over the last year. It is beautiful to see.
If it ever happens that we run across OM & his w I know my H will be right there with me.
I truly wish he had done the exposure of the A a long time ago. We have wasted so much time with me being addicted to someone who was not mine. I am a huge advocate of exposure. I would still be stuck there if not for his stepping up to save me from myself.
If you do ever run across OM and his BW at an event, you and your BH need to leave immediately.
If there is even a small chance of this happening, I recommend beginning the process of moving. The risk just isn't worth it, even if your family has to make sacrifices to relocate.
Something for you to consider. AS you learn to use the tools here, you need goals. One goal I think is important and often not discussed as much as others (rebuilding the marriage is surely one that is discussed) is the goal of rebuilding yourself to become the woman you want to be, a woman your H will love and respect, a woman that your son will be proud of when he reaches manhood.
If you become that person, you will find that OM will have no place in your mind or heart. You will have learned what is of value and what is not. You will have learned about boundaries and how to protect them. You will have learned how to lead your life in grace.
So begin to consider not only what your H needs, what your son needs, and even what you need but also consider what type of person/woman YOU want to be.
I have had two affairs during my very long marriage, and my H has had several affairs.
H: let's see, he's had at least 2 that I can think of right now, at least one EA, left me once for another woman (which didn't work out for him), and recently had a PA....that's the short version but I might be missing details
Me: I had a ONS and an EA
We have been married since 1975
You are asking about this issue of being "in love" with the OM.
Okey dokey.
I would challenge this idea. I thought I was in love with another man. I went round and round with myself about this. I would have sworn to you at the time that I was "in love" with OM and with my H - in love with two men at the same time. I was a total mess. I had this EA going on, and just like you, I was very good at blaming my husband.
My husband, meanwhile, was going to college and working part time.
I was working full time, and overtime, with the OM. Oh, not to mention, I was working lots harder on trying to figure out how to spend time with the OM
and NOT how to spend time with my husband.
Why? Because my husband and I were not working together to meet one another's needs. What I should have been doing was working with my husband to spend more time with him, talking with him, doing cool stuff with him. Instead, we were both spending time working too much, and in his spare time he spent time with his brother or friends playing music. And I spent time griping at him, instead of making our home a place he WANTED to be.
That made for an environment that set the stage for one of us, or both of us, to look for our needs to be met. We were not meeting one another's needs.
I CHOSE an affair. My husband did not "make me have an affair". I could just as easily talked with him, looked at our marriage and realized what was happening, or looked for answers in any number of marriage resources that were available. I didn't CHOOSE that.
I blamed my husband. That made it EASY for me to look at this nice-looking guy at work, and accept my fantasy as "okay", because, after all....my husband wasn't "there for me".
And I said that magic little phrase, too:
I loved my husband, but I wasn't "in love" with him.
You know that phrase, don't you???
I found myself talking with the OM, finding ways to spend time with him. I worked extra...and worked extra hard to make time for him. I was someone ELSE for him. I agreed with things that he liked, listened to music he liked, talked about things he liked, went places he liked....just to be near him and get a fill of this fantasy.
It was a fantasy of starting over.
It would be a new life. Without any of the stains of arguments, problems, whatever I perceived had been "wrong" with things in the past..........
Starting over. A perfect love.
What a fantasy - and here it was - coming true.
Or, was it?
There was this pesky little business. His wife. My husband. My daughter. His children.
Sheesh.
Every time that reality deal - it kept slapping me in the face. I hated that. Because it was that reality deal that kept slapping me and it was THE REALITY DEAL that made me so very sad, so stressed, so anxious. I couldn't sleep. I couldn't look my husband in the face.
I cried a lot. I was emotionally on a roller coaster. I felt like I couldn't talk to anyone - and I was constantly telling all of these feelings to the OM, whose mind really was only on one thing...SF...oh, that was the goal for him.
And I had a reality check. I realized I was in love. Yes I was.
I was not in love with this other man, though.
I was in love with the idea of a fantasy life. Of starting over, of being able to have some kind of perfect life, perfect love, something I had made up in my head.
It didn't exist - anywhere!
I was risking what I had with my husband - REAL LOVE - for vapor. For NOTHING. What I was making up in my head - what was sex for the OM, and a fantasy for me - and was NOTHING NOTHING NOTHING!!!!!! I was risking everything for it?????
Oh, God. I was risking everything for it. For nothing.
I ended the EA immediately. It was over.
I have never crossed those boundaries again. That fantasy thing - you have it. You love this strange idea.
The thing is...you already HAVE this love. Go sit down, face your husband. Take his hands in your hands.
Say nothing. Put your face about 10 inches from his. Look in his eyes. Just look in his eyes for about 15 seconds. Think about the first time you made love with him.
Something for you to consider. AS you learn to use the tools here, you need goals. One goal I think is important and often not discussed as much as others (rebuilding the marriage is surely one that is discussed) is the goal of rebuilding yourself to become the woman you want to be, a woman your H will love and respect, a woman that your son will be proud of when he reaches manhood.
If you become that person, you will find that OM will have no place in your mind or heart. You will have learned what is of value and what is not. You will have learned about boundaries and how to protect them. You will have learned how to lead your life in grace.
So begin to consider not only what your H needs, what your son needs, and even what you need but also consider what type of person/woman YOU want to be.
Think about it carefully.
God Bless,
JL
JL Thank you. I surely don't like the woman I have been. If people could look inside my soul and see the cheap, cheesy things I have done it would be the most humiliating thing I could imagine. It is shameful and I do want to become a better person. I will focus on that.
Oh Schoolbus: I see my own story reflected in yours. I did apologize to my husband the other night for any blame I placed on him for what I did. I told him that at that point before the A I should have went to him and let him know what I was feeling.
He said he knew how bad & unloved I felt even then but we both didn't do anything about. We should have determined the state of our marriage and decided to work on it or separate. But we didn't and I chose the A.
I wanted that wonderful feeling of being loved. That is not what i wound up with ultimately. I did love the fantasy but I was slapped with the reality of it all. It was definately not what is seemed. I risked my family's happiness and the happiness of another family I hardly knew for selfish satisfaction.
I think hard about it now and realize I could have wound up with absolutely nothing. What if my BH didn't want our M anymore. Where would I be? Alone and sad. Destroying my BH and DS's happiness for nothing. The OM didn't want me, he was in it for the SF. That was plain as day once exposure happened. Honestly I knew even before then.
I am seriously going to look at your story, Glove Oil's story too and all the others who have lived this nightmare before me. Thanks to all those who are sharing their misery, shame and sucess stories here so that others like me can learn to save ourselves and our marriages.
almostdied, Do not cut and paste this post to other threads. You have posted this once. You are welcome to participate in discussions on other posters' threads, but may not disrupt them with cut-and-paste-posting.
Ok, so you are so "special" that you just told the story of 99.9999999% of OW. What do you think defines an OW? It is climbing in the pig pen with some other woman's husband! So, yes you are not only "typical" you are a dime a dozen. 
More importantly, read through every article on this site. Have you read Dr. Harley's 
I was looking for you. I'm glad you're here!
