Listen to people when they tell you there is dirt on you. It's important information, if you want to get clean.

Dirt on me: angry and abusive toward my wife. The solution did not involve asking people to not tell me about this, nor did it involve talking about my wife's faults.

Do you want help? Listen to everything MelodyLane says, think through it, and do anything she suggests. More importantly, read through every article on this site. Have you read Dr. Harley's entire section on recovery from an affair? Pages and pages worth of articles?

You had better get "stuck" in getting honest about what you did if you want to move forward. You can't sweep this under the rug. And from what I have read so far, there has been no effort to get honest. You are real good about getting honest about your husband's shortcomings, but not yours. I view that as a DISTRACTION from taking an honest look AT YOU, the person who chose to have an affair.

Saying you don't want to "get stuck" in the past does not entitle you to sweep it under the rug and absolve you of getting honest. That won't work.


It is not a remnant and you are in denial. The romantization of the fleabag OM and blameshifting reflects fog and denial, not honesty.

Enlightened: I am working very hard to make him happy. I am giving him the love & affection that was stolen from him. I saw how much he loved me even when deep in the A. What was i thinking?

I came here to get advice, maybe encouragement. Maybe what I need is what all those who are slamming me are saying. To realize that the OM is not so great after all. And neither am I. But I am forgiven. That i do know.

I will be a good wife to my BH. His true colors are the ones who have come shining through.

How to best get rid of the fog?

Don't flinch from hearing the truth about you OR about OM. You tried a bit of blameshifting and distraction on your own behalf, which is kinda foggy, while at the same time at least taking some responsibility, which is a good start.

But let someone start saying something bad about OM, and listen to you stick up for him. There's nothing to stick up for. The sooner you realize how badly that whole thing is dripping with sleaze, and yes all over OM too, the sooner you will return to reality and be ready to do your part in repairing the damage you caused.

Throwing dirt on you? Piffle! We all know what a beautiful, grace-filled wife you have the potential to become. Some damaging mindsets are blocking your way, and a totally off-base, grotesquely romanticized view of the OM.

How do you stop having feelings for him? A big part of the answer is to see him as he really is - an amoral, immoral cad who was prepared to tear his whole family apart, rip out his wife's guts, and damage his children forever and ever, all so his twinky could feel good for a few minutes.

Yep, you did the same thing. No frills, no sappy music, no Hollywood glossover.

Until you truly grasp the depravity of your and OM's adultery, you won't be in a position to grow into the wonderful person we all know you can be.

Hopefully your husband has not forgiven you yet, because that would be unwise and inappropriate. Why not print this out and hand it him? This article explains how it is beneficial to your marriage for you to EARN that forgiveness by giving your husband just compensation.

Can't We Just Forgive and Forget?

Absolutely. That is a huge part of the de-fogging process. But again, it's not slamming, even if it feels that way. It is one of the early steps toward redemption and healing.


The forgiveness has to be a process. Your BH's pain is only beginning to unfold. He is going to continue to suffer for months, even several years, over what you did to him.

He will not only have to forgive you for what you did, but for each new pain that comes along with his healing. I wish I could tell you that it's just a moment's work to forgive adultery, but it's not. It takes years. As long as the pain lasts, there is a need for new forgiveness.

Very good, foreversunshine. It's good to see you here and committed to repairing this damage you've caused.

I see that you're already getting very good advice from some very wise posters. Be a smart girl and absorb what you're reading. It will only help you.

I've got some comments and a few questions.
You say NC began a month ago. That means the tragedy is still fresh in your BH's mind. What actions have you been doing to help your poor H heal?

You are still going through withdrawal from OM and all that hearts&flowers crap the two of you spewed at each other. Like any addiction, you've got to get through withdrawal before you can really clear out the residual fog. Some of what you've said is danged annoying to BWs and you're going to get some 2X4s for your efforts. Accept them. They'll help you by giving you a real barometer to measure reality vs. fantasy.

You're getting a lot of good comments to help you sweep out that fog. I'm not going to repeat a lot of them (like the blameshifting you've done with your H's perceived lack of attention) I'll show you a few of the comments you've made that stood out to me:
You're a wayward, dear. By definition you are a liar. Your OM is a liar, as well. It serves no purpose to try to determine who the bigger liar is. So skip this. You're lucky she didn't shoot your adulterous behind. Betrayed spouses have been known to do that. If she's made her peace with you, she's a bigger woman than I would have been at D-Day. ANd you know what else? He had probably been trying to figure out how to dump you for quite a while before that. My H wanted to dump his AP and couldn't figure out how. Because he was an addicted, addled wayward. It's a wonder he could tie his own shoes!


How have you eliminated potential avenues of contact with OM? Have you stopped going to your children's sporting events, or anywhere else he might be?

Do your children attend the same school? How far away do you live from OM?

I haven't seen anyone mention this, yet, but Dr. Harley and his wife Joyce have a radio show where you can email them and ask questions on the air. I am sure they would love to provide help to you and your husband.

Plenty of times I have heard Dr. Harley speak to women in exactly your situation:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi4200_radio.html

I will admit that I was scared to post my thread here. I wish I was more meaningful and expressive with my words but I am not good at that obviously. I need to be slapped around because I am still holding on to that fantasy in some way.

I am listening and please forgive me for being defensive. This is extremely hard. What i want is to live my life with my H and son and be a good wife and mother. It was cowardly of me to try to make it all look pretty and understandable as to why sweet little me would do such a crappy thing. I have always tried to sugar coat things to make them look better.

I don't want to be that way anymore.

You're headed the right direction. If you're serious about saving your marriage, it won't be possible to scare you off with a few well-placed 2x4's.

You will learn, and grow.

Now THAT we can respect!

Welcome aboard.

Yes, the Lord's forgiveness is a wonderful thing, something I have needed reminding of many times after my infidelity.

It's that pesky human forgiveness that is the kicker.

We may forgive too quickly, because we're raised perhaps to believe when someone tells us they are sorry, we are supposed to forgive, b/c it is the "right" thing to do.

My own BH's forgiveness is my brass ring, and it's something I may never be given. "Given" being the operative word, since none of us are entitled to forgiveness.

I am proud of you for being here, FSS, but you must understand that you have a long way to go yet. The folks throwing "dirt" on you have been the same ones who lumped "dirt" on me when I got here. I was much further removed from my A than you are, and wasn't fogged over the OM, but struggling with my own selfishness.

The first step in marital recovery is no contact (NC) for life. That includes contact in your head - the kind of contact (daydreaming? fantasizing?) that is keeping you foggy. Get rid of anything and everything that reminds you of or is associated with the OM. Those are triggers for both you and your BH.

I'll read back through your thread and post more later. For now, thank the people with the "dirt" because sometimes, others can see our dirt a lot better than we can. Kind of like when I go to someone else's house and notice dust on the baseboards...

Thank your lucky stars that your BH wants to attempt restoration of your M. What this means, though, is that the weight of recovery is going to primarily be on your shoulders. He may be all in at first, but he is riding a roller coaster of emotions, and you may very well have to deal with his anger and his resentment. You need to get defogged quickly and onto learning all the MB concepts, and you will need to be prepared to carry the full load of recovery, not moon over the OM.

Because deep down, you know the OM was no prize at all. None of us are prizes when we are wayward.

Neak: Thank you for commenting. I am accepting all this and letting it in. I read your story and you are amazing. I truly want to restore my marriage. There is no other man who can love me the way my H does. I will invest all the time it takes.

I promise you that if you stick around 6 months and then re-read your early posts, you won't even recognize yourself.

Great. Now you can begin.

First step:
Stop believing in cheesy music lyrics to somehow convince yourself it was okay to destroy your husband. My wife tried that same thing when friends tried to show her the truth. "God forgave me".

God forgives honest truly repentant sinners. You are just now starting to be honest. You still have a long way to go to be "forgiven" by God or anyone else.

Thank you for coming here. You are on the right path again. The chemical addiction will fade just as it does with meth or heroin. For a lot of addicts it takes hard, in your face truth in order to break through the fog. Thats why people are giving it to you.

Marital Bliss: Yay! You showed up. Thanks for your post to encourage me to start my own thread. It is enlightening, to say the least. And very well needed. I don't forsee any accidental contact with OM. Our kids go to different schools.

Melody Lane: I knew if you showed up it would be tough. But thank you for being honest with me. I need to hear the things you are saying.

Thanks to everyone for your advice. I will be back tomorrow.

Absolutely 100% wrong.

The "cause" of your affair was your inability keep your pants on for a scumbag cheater.

Unmet EN's are a prime cause of marriages failing. Not affairs.

Sometimes that pesky job of mine ties me up and keeps me from posting. I was looking for you. I'm glad you're here!

My concern is that you were originally in contact with OM through attending your son's athletic activities. How will you keep this from happening again?

And she's in a good mood today!

Listen to every word she says.

Unmet emotional needs are why folks go looking other places to get their needs met.

Poor boundaries are what enable them to choose to get those needs met outside their marriages, rather than taking the actions needed to get their needs met inside your marriage.

I'll paraphrase another. When you think you've done everything to get your needs met, that's probably not true. You've likely only said everything, or simply only THINK you've said everything.

When you are dealing with a man, typically, but not always, it's ACTION that sends the clearest of messages. So if you want him to be more affectionate, you show him by being affectionate towards him, perhaps also meeting what you know to be one of his top needs.

I.E. if you want him to hold your hand, maybe you take his hand, hold it a while, and then ask him to walk hand in hand to the bedroom and fulfill one of his emotional needs in a way that he's sure to say he's never been fulfilled in a more satisfying fashion.

Then say, if you liked that, hold my hand more, and I'll be happy to do even more of that.

See how that could be far more effective than simply asking if he could, "be more affectionate?"

That's just an example. The core idea is just because you think you've done everything you can, it's probably not true. You've probably only said everything you can think of, and it may be 100% ineffective.


Getting back to your post, unmet emotional needs are simply opportunities to effectively communicate both your needs and to learn how to meet the needs of your spouse.

You can choose to learn how to communicate and negotiate for the mutual meeting of needs, or you can demonstrate poor boundaries and bad judgment and have an affair.

It's not the unmet needs that cause the affair, it's the decision of those who have the affair that causes the affair.

p.s. we are not throwing dirt on you, you showed up CAKED in dirt. We turned on the water hoses.