Hello everyone. I am a WW. Striving to be a true FWW. I am here for advice. Advice on how to move on after the affair I was involved in was exposed and terminated in one swift action of exposure. I have been brought to my knees and broken over the pain and hurt i have caused. I do truly know that what I did was wrong and I feel so much regret for what i have done. For the last year and a half I have lived in that crazy fantasy world of a very deep EA/PA.

A brief history of me: I was a BS over ten years ago. My husband denied the truth for years and my marriage never recovered and it just dragged on. A life of angry outbursts, controlling and selfish behavior, verbal abuse, nearly physical abuse continued for me and my son. My love bank was empty, EN's met by my H were a big 0. I don't feel like your typical OW. What is the typical OW anyway? Are we all little gutter rats? I am the Team Mom at the baseball games, the #1 fan in the stands at the football games, the volunteer at school functions. Just your average woman. I don't feel like a monster but am I? I met someone through my son's athletic activities. I was always there alone. My H rarely participated. This OM was attractive, friendly, and basically everything that I found attractive in a man. His most endearing trait was that he was an awesome Dad. Always there for his children. I was extremely attracted to that. His marriage appeared cold and distant from the outside and later I found out that he too was missing those important EN's too. His relationship lacked intimacy, emotional & physical connection and the all important SF need. We were drawn together and the typical affair ensued. It started as talking via cell phones, secret meetings, sexting, hotel visits, before you know it it's ILY's, soul mates, true love, blah, blah, blah, etc. My H was suspicious, looked at phone records and 1st D-Day was upon me. I moved my son and I out the next day. The affair continued and I lived on my own for nearly eight months. During the entire affair we both tried so many times to end it but could not stop going back for more. A true addiction. The addiction continued even when i moved back home. This whole thing was a wake up call to my H. I truly believe he had a spiritual change and is now a new man. 2nd D-day was several months after i moved home. More lies and it never stopped. My H told the OM to leave his family alone and he would leave his family alone. OM agreed but never stopped. My H had been wonderful and trying so hard to meet all my EN's but he knew that somehow the affair was still going on. He finally exposed to the OMW and it all hit the fan. The OM gave all my info to his W who met with me, called me and emailed me repeatedly. She said so many things to me that I so deserved and it was a very hurtful experience. He obviously denied ever caring for me and implied that I was using him for SF just like he was using me. Wow, eye opener! She did admit that there was very little emotional or physical connection between them and she realizes that there are things that she and he need to rebuild. He lied to me just as much as he lied to her. I was there to stroke his ego and give SF and that's about it. I felt much deeper emotions and a true connection with that man. Stupid WW fog! I was blinded by it. I was a liar too but not nearly as devious as he. I can honestly say that she and I have made our peace with one another. As much as that can even happen. I made amends to her in the only way i could by listening, being honest with her when he wouldn't and being accountable for what i did to her. The affair is over and finally there is no contact with the OMW. Contact with OM ended around the day of exposure.

Which leads me to why I am here. My life seems wonderful now. We are doing everything as a family. We are going to a wonderful church. I am trying so hard to meet my BH's needs and show my love for him. He is wonderful and we are totally honest about everything from both of our past painful relationship to our present loving relationship. It is all good except for one thing. I still have feelings somehow for the OM. I don't know why. He kicked me to the curb so fast like I was trash. Is that what I am? I know with all that I am that it is over and I know I will never go through that again or hurt my DH in that way anymore. I betrayed my H but I also feel betrayed by the OM. These are truly unwanted feelings that haunt me. I have dreams and still seem to miss him somehow. What is wrong with me? How have the other FWW's on this board dealt with this? I hope it fades with time but mainly I wish I didn't feel it at all. i only want a happy, loving complete life with my DH and DS with no unwanted feelings in between. So here I am Marital Bliss. You suggested I start my own thread so I look forward to hearing from you.

You ask if OW are "gutter rats," and I would ask you to reconsider making such an insulting comparison. After all, what has a gutter rat done wrong? Nothing. That is an insult to compare him to to an OW, who has done very much wrong.


For some reason you are still very fogged out. That is usually a result of being continually triggered and staying in a fantasy. You fantasize about a man who only used you as a piece of toilet paper and then threw you in the trash at the first opportunity. How "romantic" is that?

How would you explain your continued fogginess? Do you still see the OM? Drive by his house? Do your kids go to the same schools? How close does he live? Do you slobber over his facebook pictures? What is keeping you so triggered?

The way you recover from an affair is to a) cut off all contact [and I do mean all, even drive bys and panting over his pictures] and create a romantic relationship with your husband.


Ok, so you are so "special" that you just told the story of 99.9999999% of OW. What do you think defines an OW? It is climbing in the pig pen with some other woman's husband! So, yes you are not only "typical" you are a dime a dozen.

You pass around alot of blame for others but seem to take none yourself. You didn't have an affair because of your husband so I have no idea why you are listing HIS faults. You had an affair because you have sloppy boundaries around men. You allowed another man to meet your emotional needs. THAT is why the affair occurred. And they will occur again if you don't put on your big girl pants and take some personal responsibility here.

There is nothing your husband has ever done to you that is as abusive and cruel as your affair. Yet you are here pointing out his faults in an effort to justify your abuse of him. huh uh.... oh no... That dog won't hunt around here, Madam.

You talk alot about what your husband is doing for you but I want to hear what you have done to earn his forgiveness and make this right. Have you given him just compensation for the crimes you committed against him?

What a great guy. He is such an "awesome dad" that he jeopardized his marriage and his children's safety and security for some filthy, cheap affair. Sorry, but that is not an "awesome Dad," that is a pig* who risked his children's family and his marriage for a big fat nothing.

*my apologies to pigs for the insulting comparison.

SO you find it attractive for a husband to screw whomever he can con into sex with him?

Its was attractive for him to use you as a semen depository?

It was attractive for him to abandon his wife and kids while he was "with" you?

Do the other "moms" know you think its "attractive" to have sex with married men?

Maybe because he spending his family time boinking you?

FSS, you are taking a pretty good slam here and the reason is because you are still very foggy. Do you see how foggy you still are?

When was D-day? How long since your last contact--of any kind-- with OM?

Melody Lane: I knew that one was coming and I am sure there are many more like it just waiting. I did come here for help, not to be bashed. But I am a big girl and I can take it. I was hoping an experienced FWW would give me solid advice on how to deal with what's left of my issues. I was giving my history and describing what got me into the mess i put myself in. Believe me there are no drive bys and there are no more pictures or emails to agonize over. Gone. He does live in the same town but our kids go to separate schools. Sorry gutter rats. I didn't mean to insult them. I never said i was special or that my situation was romantic. I was being honest to say what first attracted me. I told my husband recently that I should have turned to him then and let him know that we needed to work on our M. Instead I turned to an A. Wrong move for me. Let me tell you something though. There is not one thing you could say that his wife didn't already say to me. As for the OM he only changed when his wife found out. I am accountable and responsible for what I did. Absolutely 100%. But just like Dr. Harley says, unmet EN's are usually the cause of most affairs. Am I wrong on that? My needs were not met by my H and I was a good W to him for the biggest, let's say the first 11 years of my M. I know what your stance is on boundaries. Mine sucked. You are dead on about boundaries. That is one thing that my H and I are doing now. Meeting each other EN's, EP's so that this doesn't happen again, honest about our feelings. I am trying very hard to make it up to him. I want to be good again. Don't you see that is why I here? I am not making excuses for what i did. It was horrible and selfish. Don't despise me for being honest about my feelings.

Would it be possible to use paragraphs? Your posts are almost impossible to read.

Yep. You are right. We were both pigs! No denying that. The affair is over though. No matter how sick and ugly it was. Now I am trying to get better and heal. Is there anyone who can help with that instead of throwing dirt on me.

I am new here and not used to the way things are done. I will try to do better.

Yes, and that is why I am posting to you. You have to first get honest about the reason you cheated and stop blaming your husband. Stop making excuses for what you did. Someone who takes accountability for their wrongs does not start with a list of SOMEONE ELSE'S FAULTS. You started out with:
.. and then commenced to blaming and bashing your husband. That is NOT taking accountibility. You had an affair for one reason and one reason only: you have poor boundaries around men. Yes, your husband is 50% responsible for the state of your marriage, but YOU are 100% responsible for having an affair. Had you not allowed another man to meet your EN's you would not have had an affair.

Until you take accountability for that, you are risk for a repeat affair. And I would say that risk is very great today just hearing how fogged out you are. The way you have romanticized a roll in the pig pen tells me you are still very fogged out.

So, if you are serious, then drop the blameshifting and start looking at the lady in the mirror. Honesty is the first step.

And PLEASE... use paragraphs. Thank you.

OK, how are you trying to help your BH heal?

Or are you still selfish and only worried about your healing?

How can I help you heal?

By leading you to focus on helping your husband heal from your betrayal. If you work on meeting his needs, eliminating your love busters, I'm pretty confident you'll find that you heal without any extra special techniques.

Just be a good wife, follow the program and help him heal from what you've done to him and you'll find that you've healed in the process of putting another person before yourself.

If you agree that you acted like pigs, then why romanticize the OM as if he were a good man instead of a pig? Why object to an accurate characterization?

Smiling Woman, Yes, I know I am still foggy. That is why I came here. I'm ok with getting slammed. No one could have more loathing for me than I do myself. My H has known that the A was still going on for some time. He contacted OM 6 months or so ago but finally exposed A to OMW just over a month ago. Last contact with OM was over the exposure, so over a month ago.

I don't want to be foggy. That is the whole point. I have been reading here for a couple of months. I see what i did. I know how I hurt people. I am not in denial of that or think that i am in any way a good person for what I did.

FS, folks here truly do want to help you, but you have to understand that you are still very foggy. That is evidenced by your blameshifting and romantization of the affair.

What seems pretty to you, is disgusting to others so it is good that you hear objective opinions from those who are not emotionally invested in your fantasy. It is shocking to see you talk about what a "great guy" the OM is when in reality he is a scumbag to any objective observer. What kind of "father" risks his child's family for some cheap nookie on the side? How on earth could such a man be called a good father? A good man?

See what I mean? So don't get defensive when people point out the reality to you. When the fog rolls off you will be agreeing.

Have you told your son the full truth about your affair? Does he know that the OM is the fox in his hen house?

Melody Lane: You are right. I tried to explain myself and I guess it came across as just an excuse. It is very hard to look in the mirror and see yourself for what you really are. I am trying to do that now.

I fully intend to take all those precautions. I can't get stuck in what i did and let it define who i am or could be. There is a remnant of the fantasy/fog still in my head. Would it be better of me to deny it or be honest about it. I want to heal from this. My H has been on this site at my recommendation and loves it. We are applying these principles to our marriage the best that we know how.

Fantasy relationships are usually composed of about 5% reality and 95% daydreaming. You are holding onto the daydreaming fanciful notion of who/what OM represented .... because the real OM was never a part of your life.
This is OK if you are a young teenage girl, in love with Justin Bieber.
OM is your equivalent of Bieber.

This means, your residual "feelings" for OM are immature and fantasy based.

Best of luck.
I bumped a thread of mine for you.
To The Unfaithful Lurkers - A Gift.
There is a lot of basic information on that thread that may help you dump your fantasy and become a happy woman in the real world.