It has been just over 4 years since the A I had was exposed. I have had no contact what so ever with the OM and I have no desire to ever do anything even remotely close to what I did happen again. I feel disgusted with myself thinking that I ever sunk to that level.

Since then my H and I have had a beautiful daughter who is now 3. She is the light of our lives and everyone who meets her.

My H has struggled with the A and hasn't ever really healed from it. I am just finding out some information though that has been a hinderence to his self recovery though. H met a "friend" back in the fall of 2008. He swears that they are just friends and nothing has happened. Coming from a mutual friend, nothing physical has happened. I still have my doubts. I have found some incriminating evidence that more than just a "friendship" is between them. I am doing everything I can to document what I am finding so I can reveal to him with it.

In the mean time, H admitted to having an A with a different girl from August/Septemberish of 2011 to May 2012. He told me all about it and dumped it on me for Mother's Day. Lovely gift? Right? Since then he told me that he has always wanted to be my H and pointed out a few reasons and backed it up. He fully admitted that when I questioned his actions about where he was headed with "friends" that he was heading down the wrong path and he should have seen it. (If I don't make sense, please feel free to ask for clarification.)

He has also had some questionable e-mails from/with and old GF he had. I don't have any documentation of these, they have since been deleted and it was from over a year ago.

His MO seems to be telling them that his relationship with me is just a farce b/c he doesn't want to lose his daughter. He has told 2 of the 3 that he would love to make them happy and be with htem and not me. One he even went so far as to tell her that he would love to put a ring on her finger.

After he told me about his A I told him that he had to end all contact between OW and his ex-gf. I told him my reasons and he areed. No questions asked. He really did tell them both, but I'm not sure what he told them. I was being naieve and didnt ask to see the e-mails/texts or hear the conversations. I know looking back that was a big mistake.

So this "friend" he has had has been bugging me. I have done some snooping and found some very disgusting texts from the 2 of them. I have documented them and I want to confront him with everything I have. I also have emails from BOTH of the 2 girls I told him (that he agreed to) not to speak to. One of which he is supposed to meet so she can find out "why" he hurt her.

I am so mad, hurt, disgusted and embarrassed by what has happened. We are leaving Sunday for a vacation to go see my family--grandparents, parents, and possibly my sister. I don't want to expose right now b/c I do want him to come with us and I know that if I let it all out now he won't. Also our 10 year anniversary is 2 weeks from today and H is having surgery 3 weeks from today. I feel there is so much going on right now that if I expose, things will all go down the toilet. I want to be there for his surgery and I hope that he truely makes our anniversary a special one. He is somewhat distant, but he does act like nothing is wrong.

I have read that you should expose right away. I know you should, but I still feel that with everything going on that I need to wait.

As crazy as it seems, I still want to repair the damage and I don't want a divorce. I still love my H, I just don't know what he wants and honestly I'm not sure he does either.

Welcome back.

The longer you delay the exposure the more entrenched the affair becomes.

Please read this and have your WH write the NC letters from the templates in the thread.


Exposure 101

I'm sorry for your pain and the adultery in your marriage that has brought you to MB. This is the best place you could have found to fight for and hopefully save your marriage.

Get the book Surviving an Affair and read it.

Don't tell your H about this website.

Your own affair did not give your H a free pass or any excuse to commit adultery.

When you ended your A, did you offer your H Just Compensation and institute Extraordinary Precautions? In any marriage, even the good ones, we should ALL practice EPs to prevent an affair. We are all wired to have an affair and these prevent us from getting close to the opposite gender, so we can protect our marriage.

Have you read the basic concepts on this website?

Watch this video: What Every Couple Should Know

Please rid yourself of the notion that the timing isn't somehow perfect for exposure. Do you think you're having to be enjoying a wonderful time with your family keeping this secret? Do you think you are doing your husband a favor by not exposing? Do you think your family can't handle the news and rally to your support?

EXPOSE in spite of the dates. We have all had important dates and years destroyed by the evidence that our mate is having an affair.

Here's another good read for you: For Newly Betrayed Spouses

Also, read up on Plan A and Plan B. Be the best wife you can be. Look good, smell good, fix good meals, be pleasant, but EXPOSE!

You will hear from many really good posters. Please listen to them.

psc, I agree with Longwayhome. I would expose the affairs now. Then focus yourselves on using the MB program and recovering your marriage. It doesn't sound like you ever used this program which is why you find yourself in this current mess.

Melody, in all honesty, I didn't follow the plan like it needed to be followed. It was always turned around on me that b/c I had the A that I was seeing things and blowing it out of proportion. I realize now that I was dumb and an idiot.

I am scared about his reaction. I don't want him to walk out and end things, but I can't live this way any longer. He has to make a choice and stick with it, end of story.

I want to emphasize something to you:

Your mistakes are in the past. They do not justify your husband's mistakes. Plenty of people have been through what he went through without making the choices he did.

You are not to blame.

I hope you are able to get help from the wonderful material and wonderful people on this site.

Just do the right thing, psc, and don't get concerned about his reaction. If he will only stay if you hide his affairs, then that would be a good thing if he left. Just expect him to be angry and threatening when you expose and you won't be diappointed.

Here's a Dr. Harley article for you:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5062_qa.html

It sounds like your WH has never come clean with you and the only way you'll ever know the truth is if he takes a polygraph.

So with more checking phone records, I found out that the OW that wasn't supposed to have his number, has magically been texted. I have all my proof printed out and when he comes home tonight I am going to confront him. I can't take this anymore

psc, I would DEMAND that he end all contact now or move out. Ask him to send her a no contact letter and open up his life to you in a way that proves contact has ended.

Unfortunately I had already demanded no contact. That was when he opened up about what happened. He told me about his A instead of me finding it out and I told him under no circumstances he should contact her. And he agreed. We did not do a no contact letter, and that should have been something I should have asked him to do as well. He told me how he couldn't understand why he did what he did and it was a huge mistake. I believed him. He has become a great lier

ok, since he has contacted the OW again, what is the plan?

I wouldn't confront him tonight.
Get more evidence and then expose it

I want to show him the evidence I have gathered. I have the FB emails from the OW and the phone records showing the texts. I have emails from the other girl I told him to have no contact with. And I have copies of texts between him and the 3rd girl.

I want to start with the phone records since that is the easiest for me to see. He knows I can check the phone records and see who he talks to and texts. If he doesn't come clean then I will bring out the FB emails.

After that I will bring out the email from the other one I told him no contact. Then finally the texts. He will be ballistic over the emails and texts since the only way I could have found them is by getting into his phone.

I want to be calm when I talk to him. That seems to get a better response from him. Anger pushes him away and he won't talk. I am scared he will say it is over and walk out. I want to talk this through, not ignore it. I want answers. OW wanted them too and she got what she wanted. I think I deserve the same and more.

He knows that he is still in contact, so what would be the point of confronting him tonight? I would expose this, far and wide, as quickly as possible, and get prepared for Plan B. Are you thinking about PB at all? Have you read up on it?

I KNOW how hard it is to sit on evidence of continued contact, believe me. Once you expose, then you can tell him that you know. And make sure you expose OW(s) as well.

So expose to OW, other 2 girls, and friends/family first?

I have already talked to his mom, she is disgusted and apalled at his behavior and told me she never raised him to be like that--she apologized to me. I told her it was his decisions, not hers. She is furious and wants to confront the OW.

His dad knows about the OW b/c he caught them "together" in his workshop. He has been on my side and tried to convince my H that what he was doing was wrong.

As for his friends, I thought they knew, but found out that they do not.

My mom and sister know, and a good friend of mine (female) that knows our whole struggle knows.

As far as plan B, no I haven't thought about it much. I have thought about what I would have to do--find an IM, change locks, etc, but nothing planned out.

I would ask him to move out now so you can go into plan B. You only need to tell him you know about his affairs and ask him to go.

I know its late and no one is probably up, but I just confronted my H and he left. I'm shaking as I write this. He is pissed at me for snooping and is making this my fault. He won't own up to any of this and is PISSED. I know this is a normal response, but I'm hurt too.

I didn't want him to leave.

You need to expose now. Can you sit down and do a Facebook exposure?

Now that he's out would be a good time to Plan B.

Do you have a GPS on his vehicle? I hate to say this, but he probably went to OW.

I know it hurts but we can help you.

Why did you confront him with your evidence instead of just exposing?

Also him leaving is not a sign of remorse.

Also send him a message now saying.

"Since you did not end contact with OW and won't open your life up to me. I want you to move out. Since you have chose to leave I expect you to respect my request and stay out".

Spend your energy on exposing him and all the OWs. Then prepare for Plan B.

Can you do this?

Here.
How To Plan B properly
Plan B letter samples
Intermediary Training School
Parallel Parenting innPlan B

I'm so sorry you are going through this. You are doing FINE!

Don't bother exposing to the OW; she knows she's having an affair with your H. Don't confront your H about this if he returns. He also knows he's having an A. There's just no point in telling anyone directly involved, in the hopes they will own up. Expect lies and blustering.

Meanwhile, expose to everyone you can: family, friends, the friends and family of the OWs. Ask for their help in ending the A.

Plan and execute your Plan B. And remember Plan B is not to save your marriage; it's to keep you from the drama and insanity of H's ongoing affair(s.)

You need to expose now.

In addition to detailing the affair itself, all your friends and family must know that he left on his own, actually against your wishes, so that when he shows up at their houses asking for assistance/support, they may make an informed decision whether to aid a cheating husband trying to destroy his family. (Include that exact phrase if it helps.)

I have exposed to my family, his family, and friends. Everyone is in disbelief.

After H left last night, he started texting me. He wanted to know what I wanted and what we should do. I told him no contact with these people. It hurt me what was said to them and it was wrong. He agreed. I told him that we need to have honesty before anything can get better. We need a plan and need to stick to it.

He ended up coming home and we got to talk more. I still don't understand everything in his rationing. It's crazy talk to me and contradicts itself. We both have been hurt by As. He hasn't truly ever recovered from mine. I know this is in no way my fault for his A. Sometimes I wonder if we have been hurt too much to fix our relationship.

Don't try to make sense of the rationalizing of adultery. There is none; it doesn't make sense. My FWH said after the fog lifted that he couldn't believe he actually thought what he did to rationalize what he was doing, that was so illogical it was embarrassing. I tried to make sense of it, too, but it truly was impossible.

You never had a plan for recovery after your affair. You need one now. Marriage Builders really has the best plan for recovery and restoration of a marriage. If followed, you can have a marriage that is romantic and passionate.

Recovery takes about 2 - 5 years. It's the most painful experience either of you is likely to undergo.

You and your husband need to read up on Extraordinary Precautions and agree to abide by them for the rest of your lives. I made a list of non-negotiable EPs for my H; without strict adherence to these, I would have left the marriage. It wouldn't have been safe to stay.

You would both need to agree to transparency and an integrated lifestyle.

I would sign up for the Marriage Builders Online Seminar. It costs $1000 for a year of accountability. You have access to Dr. Harley directly in the private forum, which also is a wonderful source.

Yes.
This is te perfect time to enter into plan B.
It is your best opportunity to kill the affair

I know we never had a plan. That is one of the things I brought up last night. I told him we need to have a plan, stick to it, and be accountable to each other with out being hurtful. We both have a way of being hurtful when trying to use constructive criticism.

We leave for our vacation tomorrow. Last night when he stormed out he said he wasn't going. I think he will now though. I'm bringing my books so we can start.

I talked to his mom this morning. She said he is really upset about last night when he stormed out. She is one pushing for us to talk and really dig deep to see if we can work. I am thankful for both of our parents.

"Talking" will not solve the problem and will be a distraction. What needs to happen now is affair proofing your marriage. Are any of these OW married? If so, the affairs need to be exposed to their husbands TODAY.

In the meantime, your husband needs to hand over his cell phone to you and make arrangements to change his phone numbers so the OW cannot reach him. He should hand over all of his passwords to email, etc so he is completely transparent.

Is he willing to do all that?

It sounds like your husband will have to agree to change his lifestyle in a way that would make it impossible for him to carry on affairs. For example, if he goes out without you or spends the night apart, that should end. His life should become completely transparent. Here is how Harley describes it:

He has changed his phone number. As for pw--not yet.

None of the OW are married. All single.

So he changed his phone number since last night? I am confused.

And when you say you exposed the affair, when did you do that? to whom? I don't understand how you have managed to do all this stuff so quickly.

And I would get his passwords That is not a negotiable requirement.