Two years ago my wife had what I thought was an emotional affair with a man whom we had been friends with for years. His wife was the one that found out. Her and I worked together to gather evidence and exposed the affair.

My wife and the other man swore it was just talking and as we had very little evidence to the contrary I took their word and started trying to rebuild my marriage.

My wife cut off all contact with the other man and up until 3 days ago we were very happy. I had got past the hurt and hadn't thought about the affair in a long time.

My 22 year old son then cheated on his long time girlfriend. This drudged up some of the old feelings, but I was doing OK with it. My wife then told me that she felt guilty and proceeded to tell me that the emotional affair had also been a physical one. She told me they only had sex one time and she had to stop in the middle and left crying. She said that she wanted to come clean so our marriage was built on truth.

We were in such a good place before she told me this. I felt like we had moved on and were in a very loving and caring relationship. She wants to be married to me and has had no contact with the other man for two years. She is willing to do whatever it takes, counseling, take the course on this website, ETC.

We did fill out the emotional needs questionnaire and discussed it. I really think she feels bad and does love me. I really think she is willing to do whatever it takes to make this work.
The problem is, I am so hurt right now, all I can picture in my head is the two of them together. My wife is a very sexual person and I'm not sure I can even have sex with her right now.

The other thing is, should I contact the other man's wife and tell her about this? My wife told me during the affair the other man had confessed this wasn't the first affair he had. I want to tell the other wife but I don't want to drag up the old feelings for her.

broberts, I am so sorry this has happened to you. Your wife did the right thing in telling you. You can't sweep an affair under the rug like this. A marriage can't be recovered based on lies. It leads to a superficiality that prevents emotional intimacy.

I would call the OM's wife and tell her so she can recover her marriage too.

Dr Harley says there is a very strict path to recovery and one of the first steps is complete honesty. Failure to follow these steps leads to disaster and he is right about this.

I know you are hurt right now, but you haven't seen the many men who come on this forum YEARS after an affair who can't get past an affair because they sense they do not have the truth. We had one such man this year who had been stuck for THIRTY YEARS. Another man, just this year, asked his wife to take a polygraph because he sensed he did not have the truth years after D-Day. When his wife showed up for the polygraph drugged he knew she was hiding something. Sure enough, she confessed more the next day.

Your wife did you a favor by confessing the truth. Ideally, it should have happened 2 years ago, but it is better now than in 30 years.

...should I contact the other man's wife and tell her about this?

You know the answer to this, right? You absolutely must tell OMW, just as you owe her a great debt for informing you of the initial revelations.

However, you should NOT relay to her "hearsay" evidence. Telling her of something your WW told you, that she would only have second-hand knowledge of anyway, (Was she a direct observer of OM's dalliance with other WWs?) would be irresponsible.

That is very sound advice, thank you.

The way I would address that is to tell her exactly what your wife told you and then let the OMW get the facts from the OM. You are not telling her there WERE other affairs, which you can't possibly know, but you are telling her that he told your wife there were. That gives the OMW a place to start her investigation.

If I were the OMW, I would want this information so I could drag it out of my WH.

Perfect way to put it Melodylane. I will do just that. The OMW is supposed to call me this evening. Thanks so much.

...tell her exactly what your wife told you and then let the OMW get the facts from the OM.

Even better, of course, would be to compel WW to convey to OMW the sordid stories herself. I cannot imagine a more searing lesson to a WS than to admit to the AP's spouse the "crimes" she has committed.

MelodyLane,

Can you provide me a link to the topic where the man's wife showed up drugged to the polygraph location? I want to read and learn from that story. I know polygraphs are not 100% accurate but showing up drugged is a whole other ballgame. Thanks.

I know I'm not Mel, but here it is.
OldWarHorse's Thread

You certainly are not.

You're MelodyLane Jr.

Thanks! Sadly the topic posts were all edited. Can anyone give me the rundown as to what happened?

OldWarHorse is reconciling but his wife gaslighted him right? How long was the affair for? Was it a physical affair for the whole time? How long was the gas lighting?

I can't see how a marriage is salvageable if the gaslighting continued for years and the truth finally comes out even when it was during a time of great marital success.

Was that a slam?

Go to page 15 of his thread. He posted on 08-03-12 and it talks about the polygraph.

No, sweetie. I don't think it was a slam. You are just so GOOD at linking important articles - don't you know that yet?

ML links important articles as well. And you both do a huge service to our members by doing so! The whole point is to promote Dr. H's concepts. Not our opinions.

You're doing great!

You would know the answer if you ever used the quick clicks or the most popular links.

You lost me, Road. And you probably lost BH, as well. Are you saying you have a problem with her use of her own links?

Inform, please.

Yup Bliss you're correct. He lost me?? I don't get it??

Am I not supposed to be linking Dr. H's stuff on his website?

See if separating the sentence from the icon helps you to see things clearer.

I say you must be short.
That one went right over your head.

So I talked to the OMW and explained everything to her. My wife has been very cooperative and is taking the necessary steps to help with recovery. I ordered Surviving an Affair and His Needs, Her Needs to help us.

The one thing I'm struggling with is I just can't get the image of the two of them out of my head. In going through the emotional needs questionnaire, sex was very high on her list. How do I fill that need for her when this stupid thing keeps popping in to my head? I know it takes time but will it ever go away?

How do I fill that need for her when this stupid thing keeps popping in to my head? I know it takes time but will it ever go away?

Memory, particularly painful or distasteful memory, has a distressingly long life. The best fix to the agony you are experiencing involves full truth about what happened, knowledge of why it happened, and the resulting new protections so that it cannot happen again. WW has a HUGE task to help you through this. It likely will be the most difficult thing she has ever done. TOUGH! She gets no vote in this. Remember this above all else:

The BS steers the recovery bus; the WS provides the power!

Hope this helps.
Managing Memories and Dealing with Triggers

One thing I have noticed about her attitude is, she is 2 years out of the affair, but because I just learned about the physical part, it's like it's brand new to me. She doesn't seem to understand that concept. It's really frustrating.

Broberts,

The difference is that she knew the truth for the entire time and was able to come to terms with what she did, and to a degree had forgiven herself. You on the other hand built your recovery on a lie and a lie that men have a more difficult time overcoming and forgiving, and it does reset your clock to zero possibly negative. She is relieving herself of a burden and feels better at the same time that you are given an anchor and told to swim, how thoughtful of her.

There is also an element of loyalty to the OM in what she did that is an irritant, it sounds like the OM and WW agreed on how much to admit to and WW kept to that agreement. I know that is a large part of why my W will not talk about OM2.

I believe that your WW is still not completely honest and believes that admiting to a minimum of truth, "it was physical" is enough. I would strongly urge you to get a polygraph for your WW so you can put this to rest. As Melody said earlier you don't want to doubt your WW for the next 5,10 or 20 years. I'm in that position now and it's no
fun to be considering divorce later in life.

Was the affair exposed on your WWs side and the OMs side? How close does the OM live to you?

Also you need to get your WW a complete STD test including an HPV test not just a pap smear which only looks for abormal cells.

God Bless
Gamma

The concept pushed by the WW is that it's old news is pushed by the WW because she does not want to recall the wrong things that she did. The WW spends years burying the affair. She has learned to block the affair memories. She does not want to recall them. Then WW will need years to re forget those memories for the second time.

This is why when a WW say's the affair happened so long ago can't you drop it now.

The way a WW chose to have an affair she now choses to not recognize the recent dday by her BH about an affair that has been over and dead for years is new to the BH.

But as DR H say's a WW must tell her BH everything about the affair.

Tell her that it is worse than just finding out an affair. You are finding out that the affair was much different than she claimed AND she lied about it for 2 years. So, the crime is compounded by the LIES. All the time you thought you were in recovery was just a CHARADE.

Ok, so we had a talk last night and I think it's starting to sink in that this is all fresh and new to me. She seems to be very willing to do whatever it takes to make this work and start down the road to recovery.

I have a question about exposure. We exposed the affair two years ago and she hasn't had contact with OM since. Do we need to start over with plan A or are we moving on to plan B? If I understand things correctly plan A is about squashing the A, and that has been over and done with for two years.

What EPs does she have in place?

Have the conditions that lead to her affair been eliminated?

Plan B is when you separate. You're planning to work this out, correct?
What are Plan A and Plan B

Plan B is when the WS will not stop having an affair.

You said the affair was over 2 years ago. So plan B is not for you.

"we exposed the affair two years ago": who did you expose?

Plan A is about showing your WW that marriage would is the best place for her to be. You need to continue the recovery work.

Have you and your WW read the books Surviving An Affair, and His Needs Her Needs, both by Dr Harley.

Broberts,

If WW is willing to do what is need then please ask her to take a polygraph. Trust us you don't have the full story, and trickle truth is torture and can go on for years and years.

Did you inform the OMW that the OM has had other affairs in addition to the one with your WW, please do that woman an enormous favor. Suggest to OMW that she needs to get a polygraph for OM.

God Bless
Gamma

She is willing to take a polygraph. I did inform OMW of everything. I hadn't got as far as reading plan B, guess I should have. We are not planning to separate. We just want to recover and have a happy marriage. The conditions that caused the affair have been eliminated. I ordered both Surviving and Affair and His Needs, Her Needs but haven't received them yet.

She seems very willing to do whatever it takes to start recovery. She has been reading the basic concepts on this site and really seems to like it.

Thank you all so much for your help.

Broberts,

She is willing to take a polygraph.

Good then schedule it and make sure you go through with it, this will save you years of questioning.

There is also a very good chance your WW will confess on the car ride to the polygraph.

God Bless
Gamma

She is willing to take a polygraph.

Great! Schedule this immediately.

She seems very willing to do whatever it takes to start recovery. She has been reading the basic concepts on this site and really seems to like it.

I hope your impression of her commitment is correct. There likely will be times ahead when you both will have to remember the sentiments you are today professing.

Here you go.
Requirements for Recovery from An Affair
Polygraph Testing

Ok, so polygraph is done. The truth is known. She is committed to do whatever it takes. I am struggling with anger issues. I want to lash out at her. I don't mean physically, but I just want to scream at her. I hope this is just a phase I am going through. How do you deal with and work though those feelings of anger?

Have you received the results yet?

Good job on getting the poly.

Yes, we have the results. Everything is out in the open. At this point I'm hurt still, but also angry. Like I said before, I just want to scream at her. She has been very supportive, but right now that's not making it easier.

broberts, the way you get over it is to not bring it up again and focus on creating a happy, fulfilling, romantic marriage. The way you do this is to throw yourself into building a great marriage. The most important thing you can do is schedule 15+ hours of undivided attention time per week. It should be spent alone, and preferably out on dates, meeting the top 4 intimate emotional needs of conversation, affection, recreational companionship and sexual fulfillment.

Doing this will make your marriage recover the FASTEST. And the sooner you can the present happy, the sooner your anger and resentment will go away.

Be sure and don't bring up the affair again. When you are triggered, don't speak about it because talking about it makes it WORSE.

It's a phase. I thankfully went through that phase when we were separated and not spending very much time around each other.

Two months later, I feel sorry for my WW that she's having to experience the hurt of an affair. Since I can't believe a single word that comes out of her mouth, I instead just focus on:

- Am I meeting her top emotional needs? She needs conversation and affection. (Note: conversation about the affair doesn't count!)

- Am I making a selfish demand? The only demand I need to be making is "end the affair" and "respect boundaries".

- Am I making a disrespectful judgment?

- Am I about to have an angry outburst? An angry outburst means the affair partner wins. It means she was right about leaving me in the first place. Well, I want POSOM to lose. So I'm not going to have an outburst.

- Am I engaging in annoying behaviour?

Thank you all so much for your help. I received Surviving an Affair and His Needs, Her Needs in the mail the other day and have started reading them. I know it will get better, sometimes it's just hard to be patient.

Ok, so I have finished reading Surviving an Affair. What a wonderful book. The problem is, my WW doesn't want to read it. We did discuss and go through the emotional needs questionnaire. She says she will read it if I really want her to, but being less than enthusiastic is not very encouraging. I think she's embarrassed that I read it.

We have been spending a lot of time together the last few days. I haven't brought up the affair. She seems like she wants to be there for me, but with her I feel like she thinks it should just be business as usual. I just don't think she grasps the concept that just because she's two years out of the A doesn't mean that it's not all fresh and new for me because of the trickle truth.

I have been trying to focus on other things when the anger or resentment rears it's ugly head. I certainly don't take it out on her. When those feelings pop up I have used Qoheleth's suggestions and try to focus on the positive and meeting her needs. I guess the hardest thing for me is the indifference with which she looks at it.

As for removing the image of the two of them having sex There is a technique which I read about and it helped me a lot.
Think of something that makes you happy. In my case, it was my daughter on a swing. I can picture her smiling as she swings back and forth.

Then when the terrible images of your wife and POSOM come into your mind you yell STOP. And immediately think of that happy event.

It takes some time but you can stop your mind from entertaining these images.
Prayer also helped me

I would give her His Needs, Her Needs to read instead of SAA.

Lots of UA time = deposits in her love bank
Do not talk about the A. Talk about A = withdrawals for you, withdrawals for her, and OM will be on her mind

Do not be discouraged just because you don't see any outward signs yet. Right now the best she can do is choose to spend time with you at all, even though you know about the A.

My WW is completely indifferent right now as well. I am choosing to focus more on her choices/actions than her emotional state. Her choices/actions have been to inform me of her whereabouts and take other EPs, (which I've confirmed independently), dedicate a great deal of UA time to me, and has started sharing a few things (like music) with me that before were closed off.

I don't see any outward signs of remorse yet. But it's been 5 days since exposure. SAA says it'll take a month.

This may help.
Managing Memories and Dealing with Triggers

Also this.

Radio clip on flashbacks
Segment #2