I have installed eblaster on my computer at home because I know in the past my husband has had secret emails and late night inappropriate discussions with people he has met on the internet. All was going well and there was nothing on the reports that I was receiving until last week.

We are both members on a weight loss site as we do have some extra weight to lose. Last week I see that he has logged onto that site and was visiting only profiles of women in our town that we live in, no one that we know however. I thought that was strange but I let it go thinking maybe he was looking for motivation. Then the following day he is messaging women that if they are looking for a work out partner in the afternoon he would love to get together. Meanwhile, me, his wife and someone who he should ask to be his workout partner is left unasked.

I know I am going to get blasted by people on here but I did something that I cannot believe I did. I created a fake name and profile and said I was located in the town we live in. Immediately he sends me a friend request. He was then sending me (the fake me) emails from that site all day on Friday being very flirty so I flirted right back.

The emails did not go through the weekend because we were out of town camping. On Monday, however, I get a message from him giving me his work email address so I am not emailing the home address. Meanwhile he has cleared any trace of email from his home email and his fitness page's email.

Things then took a turn for the worst and he was inviting me to do a hard work out with him and asked me for my picture. It was early in the morning so I told him I was still in bed even though I was at work. He said that I could take a picture of me in bed and send it to him and asked when we could get together to meet. I told him that I really did not know him that well since we only talked a couple days. All the while he was flirting hard and insinuating things. He then asked me yesterday for my phone number so he could call me on his way home.

Again, I am asking for advice and am prepared to be slaughtered for stooping to this level. Please help me out here. He even emailed me early this morning with an email address that I did not even know he had which means he just signed up for a secret one again.

I would sneak some spyware on his phone FIRST and then bust him.

Print up those emails and prepare to confront him with them. Just tell him "I have received these emails from someone." Don't tell him HOW you received them because if you do, he will just say "I knew it was you all along, blah, blah, blah." You don't need his admission anyway.

I would demand that he stop all opposite sex friendships and stay off the computer completely.

He is out looking for it and unless he makes a RADICAL 180 degree change then he is not safe to be around. This is much, much more than just a guy who met someone and had an affair. This is a man who is TROLLING FOR CHICKS. That makes him particularly dangerous.

He will have to make his life completely transparent, giving you all passwords to everything. You should have full access to his work computer and if you can't get that, then he needs to find another job.

I thought about getting something to put on his phone but just have not bought any spyware for it yet.

I am going to give you a run down of what I had in mind once he sent "me" the secret email address to email him at. As this other person I have his home email address. What I was going to do was send an email to his home email address, a forwarded email that includes some of the discussions being had and send it at a time when he is at work because he does not get reception at work and will not get it until the end of the day.

Then I am going to log on to his email because a few weeks ago I had actually ordered something for work with our shared amazon account and the receipt goes directly to his email. I need that receipt to turn in with my credit card statement for the month. so I was going to happen upon this email from this other girl. Then I am going to email the other girl to confront her and have her send me all correspondence which I will then print out and confront him with.

It is a weak plan, but that was what I had so far.

I don't think that there's a need to go into that kind of explanation as it will, likely, devolve into a debate on why you should or shouldn't be "allowed" to view his email account. He'll do whatever he can to distract from the issue at hand so there's no need to give him ammunition.

Just tell him that you know and it doesn't freaking matter "how" you know. But, I second the suggestion for putting spyware on his cell phone before confronting with the email.

Our personal email accounts are saved on the desktop so it is no big deal for us to go in each others email if we want to. when i told him that the receipt would be emailed to him he said you know the password so print it out whenever. I am not trying to make an excuse because up until now when I created someone else to talk to him I have never done anything remotely behind his back. all my emails and accounts are open for him to look at whenever

Oh, ok. The plan sounds reasonable then.


I hope you didn't misunderstand me--I take no exception to your "means" here. If you can prevent something from happening then you should take action here. By acting before he gets too far down that road you'll, hopefully, get things back on track.

I know what you are saying Northwood. I am talking to him now and he is setting up a meeting at my house for next wednesday

I would get all spyware in place GPS/VAR spyware on his phone. VAR in his car. If he is doing this with you then he is doing this to others.

Can you get a VAR in his car? And spyware one his phone?

BTW, good job being Mrs. James Bond.

...and you want to do this before you confront him because, once you confront him, he's going to be more careful and not give you such liberal access to email, cell phones, etc.

I don't know if I can get a VAR in the car or even put spyware on the phone. He has his phone on him at all times.

I did it with my wife's phone at two in the morning. He's got to sleep sometime!

What about when he sleeps?

I am the one that sleeps the most, but I will work on that part of the problem asap.

He is inviting other women into your house? Where will you be?

Install some nanny cams.

And good job on your snooping techniques and finding out the truth about your life. I'm not sure why you think we would blast you for that.

My WH used to take his phone into the bathroom with him and sleep with it. I had to wait until he was asleep and then I woke up and got his phone.

Just study up on the spyware so you know how much time it will take (they are really quick to install).

Put the VAR on when his vehicle when he is in the shower or you need to run errands or take the trash out. Buy the VAR on the way home from work today. VAR

He set up the meeting and I asked him where because I could not do it at my apartment because I have a roommate. So he said his house because no one is there during the day until 2:30 pm. He set a meeting up for Wednesday at 10 am. I will be at work an hour away where I always am during the day.

Obviously I am going to have to give him an excuse as to why I can't meet on Wednesday because Ava, the girl he is talking to, is me.

I thought I would get blasted because I am playing dirty and I don't want people to misinterpret what I am doing as baiting him into something. He started this.

Install surveillance in your house. I doubt this is a one off thing.

Ava needs to email him this evening while y'all are having supper with "Surprise, I'm on my way over now, see you in five minutes!"

Ava should keep the 10 am meeting. You should have an unexpected stomach bug overtake you, requiring you to come home, unannounced, on Wednesday at around 9:50 am.

Good idea.

that may tip him off Northwood. I agree with Pokerface. This cant be the only one.

Why don't you plan on meeting him there at that time?

By that time you could have all of the spyware in place on his computer and phone. A good phone spyware is eblaster. It takes about 10 minutes to install and cost $65. You can download it on the phone real fast.

And I have no objection to your methods. Your husband is DANGEROUS and however you catch him is fair game, IMO. I applaud you for being clever and creative!

I was thinking the exact same thing that Ava should not cancel the meeting and that I should come back home sick with something. It is a good idea and I can keep the ruse going for a little longer.

I think YOU should show up for that appointment. With all the emails in hand.

Even better.

That is a great idea MelodyLane. I may do that. I appreciate all the advice coming my way.

I love a clever girl!!

I have had to be pretty clever these last few days. I hate being devious but I gotta do what I gotta do.

You cannot bait someone who does not want to be baited. He has given you reason not to trust him and until he EARNS back trust you are wise to verify his actions.

You are not playing dirty...you are being wise.

I feel a little better about what I am doing here. thank you guys for your advice and for talking with me.

So glad to see you over here getting the support you need, JEF.

You are not being devious. Your husband is not entitled to a level of secrecy that allows him to do such a horrible thing to you. I'm glad to see you working with these other posters to put together a surprise your husband will never forget!

Wanted to chime in on the telephone spyware: my wife took her phone with her everywhere and even slept with it charging on her nightstand, one foot from her head -- and she's a very light sleeper.

I literally crawled into the bedroom on my stomach at about 2 AM to lift the phone to get the spyware on it. That was a very tense 20 minutes or so. Unfortunately, something happened to the phone and I had to do it again 2 weeks later. It's now been working flawlessly for over 18 months.

It's worth it, whatever you have to do to make it happen. Your husband is actively trolling for an adultery partner and you need to rock his world!

i have looked into eblaster for the phone in the past and just have not gotten around to buying it. Guess now is the time.

And, I do plan to rock his world. He will not see this one coming.

What is your PLAN after that?

Do you have your conditions that will keep YOU interested in the marriage?

Honestly I do not have a plan right now. I have dealt with him and secret emails for many years now and everytime i hear that he has never done anything that he just likes to flirt and talk dirty with other people. i have no hard evidence of cheating. Honestly this is a pattern and at this point I do not see him changing ever. we have been married for 18 almost 19 years. I think at this point I just want out. I would rather be alone then have this constantly happening behind my back

I agree with pokerface...you need a plan and conditions.

If you come clean, your husband will play it one of two ways. Either he will claim he knew it was you all along and just wanted to see how far it would go, or he will claim it was entirely innocent and he was truly looking for a workout partner so that he could surprise you with his new physique. Either way he plays it, it will be very convincing!

I would escalate things as "Ava" if I were you so that there is no doubt to his intentions. Email him a faceless provocative shot of yourself, or some random image you find on the internet and see his reaction. Ask him for some racy photos of himself. Once you are armed with this kind of ammunition, there is no way he can spin it as innocent intentions.

Then set up a meeting and ambush the hell out of him. Give him two choices, either agree to complete honesty, transparency and extraordinary precautions, including a commitment to the MB's program. Or pack his bags and leave immediately. Demand and answer now, do not give him time to think, spin things, or cover his tracks. Expose this to his mom or someone close to him that could be your ally and have them come with you for support.

Complete honesty means he come completely clean about this kind of activity in the past. You installed the keylogger in the first place because he has done this before, did you ever get the complete truth out of him?

Transparency means that there are no more secret email accounts. You have all his passwords and can look on his laptop, phone, or work computer whenever you desire.

Extraordinary precautions mean you eliminate being in a situation to even be tempted. Get rid of the home computer or home internet is a start.

In this ambush, you are not giving him an ultimatum. You are setting boundaries under what condition YOU chose to live. And you will not live with someone making secret liasons over the internet, period.

I love plans because they give me control.

My FWH was flirty also and I put up with it for years until I caught him sneaking around with the neighbor and mother of my daughter's best friend. My FWH has done a complete change is now a great husband...but it did not happen until I gave him reason to change.

Do you have children?

i have never gotten the full truth. When i ask for details or additional information he claims he is embarrassed and doesn't want to talk to me about that stuff.

We have two boys, 17 and 8

ok. One of your conditions is complete honesty and a poly to back it up.

I agree the main condition is to have complete honesty but after these many years is that even possible? I am so tired of it all. I am at a point where I just want to say screw it, what I don't know can't hurt me. It is exhausting trying to keep someone who obviously wants to be with other people. I blame it in part to the fact that we were together in high school and were each other's first and were married when I was 17 and he was 18. Maybe it was doomed from the start. I can already feel myself giving up on it all.

The Harleys married very young and are still in a very romantic marriage.

If your WH learns to live his life completely transparent with boundaries and care in your marriage you will be able to have that kind of a marriage.

He will never be completely transparent. He will work hard on it for as long as he thinks is necessary then revert right back to his old ways. It is a tired old song and dance at this point. I think as the day progresses I am realizing that it will never change and I either accept it and live with it or I accept it and move on. Unfortunately, I feel like as though we love each other and we are certainly best friends but I feel he wants more. supposedly he has never been with anyone but me but that is so hard to believe at this point and I know I have only been with him.

I would lay out your conditions and either gets on board or he gets out. Complete transparency, absolutely NO computer anymore and he gets a dmb phone with a new number. I would have this all laid out for him. He does not get to negotiate.

I would add passing a polygraph to your list of conditions. Call around and get info on that.

I would also expose the affair wide and far. Expos� those emails to your children, family and friends. Let them all know what he does.

JEF. This is a plan based on emotions. We do not advise that and it leaves weasel room for him to continue to gaslight everyone. He will try to sing and dance his way into staying. Given your long history with him, you might just break down and give in only to suffer further heartbreak.





Melody has given you a well thought out plan based on ACTIONS. It puts the ball in his court and HE can be the bad guy if he doesn't want to agree to your conditions. It also lays the foundation for affair proofing your marriage and earning your trust.

Exposure will go far in turning him around. It has a profound effect when the wayward has to face the ugliness of their actions and explain it to their family and peers. It holds them accountable for their choices.

Naw, Ava should call about 9:40, saying she wants him naked and "ready" when she rings the doorbell.....and then send his Mother to visit, with a key!

Have the "nanny-cam" catch THAT as well!

(..and then post it here!)

Thank you all for your wonderful advice. I am still on the fence of what to do. I have not been able to eat for days and my brain is mush. I know I will get over it, the past shows that I always do. My husband is in the navy and he is always around a computer because that is a condition of his job and he gave "ava" his work email. I will never have access to that email. He keeps his home email open and I know the password and that is because he creates secret emails that I don't know about. I do appreciate all of the information and advice. I have to have some time to think because at first I was so angry but now I just don't care anymore.

Oh my, JEF. You do understand that the US military views adultery as a crime, don't you? I'm sure your husband knows.

You might want to consider drafting a letter for his commander, letting him/her know what your husband is doing and that he's using his government assigned e-mail account and his government-owned computer to do it.

I mean, if you really want to get his attention . . . something to think about.

EDIT: if you go this route, make sure you also send a copy of the letter to the Navy equivalent of the JAG or Inspector General. If the commander doesn't have oversight he may help your husband sweep it under the rug for a variety of reasons.

I have thought of that OWH however he will be able to retire from the military in less than two years. I am angry with him for sure but I don't want to screw up his career because that will hurt our boys. He is eligible for retirement pay after twenty years and if it were just me and him I would do that in a heart beat but my kids should not suffer because of that. That is money we will use to send our boys to college. I wish it were that simple to just give the info to his commander but I do have the boys first and foremost to think about.

You're in a position that your husband hasn't actually committed adultery (that you know). Your husband's commander might just give him a warning/wake-up call.

The fact is, your husband's behavior is putting his family's well-being in jeopardy. If he doesn't stop, there's a good chance you'll lose everything anyway.

Some of the MB veterans can give you more precise advice, but this is a solid case for exposure if I've ever seen one. Yours is a situation where strategic exposure of your husband's illicit activities may prevent a larger tragedy down the road.

You've been able to keep your cool so far. Keeping thinking this through logically and don't let fear, uncertainty, and emotion hold sway. To a great degree, you're in a position to take control of this situation and limit the damage your husband is in the process of creating.

OWH you are right I don't have any evidence of adultery, although the suspicions have been there for years. I am trying to keep cool and level headed but it is so hard not to go off on him.

Hope to hear more from MB veterans with some more helpful insight or advice.

the subject came up in conversations with my husband and "Ava" regarding marital status. He said he was married. I want to get rid of "Ava" and all trace before the meeting so my husband does not suspect. Any thoughts on if it is a good idea to have her tell him she does not want to get involved with a married man? Then have her disappear. He now has a new secret email, which is always how it starts with him and it is safe to assume that with the new email and the taste of almost stepping out will tempt him to contact other people. We have eblaster on the home computer that he does not know about so I can monitor other things with him that way and I plan on getting eblaster for his phone and installing it immediately.

Well I let my hot head prevail again...very disappointed in myself. I emailed him as Ava and said I was not comfortable carrying on in the direction of meeting up because he was married. then I did something even stupider and told him that what did it for me was seeing her post a good job babe on his post on the fitness site then I said that person is your wife right? I have since tried logging on to my account with the fitness website and my account has somehow been deleted. I sent him an email asking him if he was having problems logging on to his account and he said their site must be down because he can't log into his either which is a flat out lie because I logged on to his account right after I found out mine was deleted.

I forgot the most important part, I emailed the conversations between Ava and him to my account at the fitness site. I don't know if he saw that I had emails from "her" or not but he did not mention it so he may have missed that and thought by deleting the account she could never contact me.

JEF,

So, you are not willing to work through the military to apply pressure to stop your husband's behavior. You canceled the fictional meeting tomorrow when you could have caught him and you no longer have copies of the emails. Your husband actively trolls for women and you have been accepting it for quite some time. Exactly what type of assistance are you looking for from MB?

AM

I have all the emails printed out, I did that immediately. I don't know at this point what type of assistance I am looking for. Maybe I just should have stayed off here and continued to bury my head in the sand. I am so quick to act before I think and I thought this time I would follow advice but apparently not. And, no, I am not willing to get the military involved. I do not want him kicked out of the Navy so close to retirement.

Since you're burying your head and when he does bring one of these OW home, I hope you get STD tested every few months to at least protect your health/life.

Yep you are right about that. I am too weak to carry out any plan I have to really catch him so I guess I might as well be introducing him to people to have affairs with. I don't need anyone to tell me how stupid I am for letting it go on.

I concur with BrainHurts. Your husband is perfectly willing to bring stange women to your home (and bed). I think a wife has to have her head buried very deep in the sand to accept that. I am sorry for your children.

AM

That seems to be a reasonable assumption.

Get the spyware on his phone and see what turns up, but I would still proceed with confronting him and drawing the line in the sand.

Ok, we've all had a pity party or two so we understand your hesitancy. Now take a breath and get back on the horse.

I do plan on confronting him with the emails and laying out conditions but I have to figure out just what those conditions are. At this point I have to take away all electronic devices from him...his phone, laptop, computer, tablet. that still leaves my older sons laptop and tablet and my younger son's laptop and desktop that I would have to put on lock down with a password.

He does not know that I got any emails from her, I had emailed the messages, printed them out and deleted them. it was only after that when he disabled my account. He has been emailing and talking to me throughout the day just as happy and unsuspecting as can be. Like I said, he has the secret email now and that is usually when everything starts to happen again only I am finding out about the email at the beginning when he created it and not at the end when he has been talking to women for months. I may still be okay with most of my plan.

You're fine.

It doesn't matter if you no longer have the original emails. You don't have to "prove" to him that he's being inappropriate. He already knows it.

I have all the printouts so I am good there but I think I can salvage some of my plan which is to monitor his secret email and see what else is going on if anything and installing the eblaster on his phone to monitor him that way. I am going to play it cool now and act as if our life is normal as always and keep the email printouts at work where he cannot find them until I confront him with them

I'd keep it at a bank security deposit or other such place when you can -- but work is fine for the moment.

So what is your plan exactly?

Are you planning on exposing?

I would not frame it as if you are taking anything away from him. Just let him know that the only way you would be agreeable to staying with him if he gives up all access to any computers, devices, smartphones, etc.

No opposite sex friendships and complete accountability for all his time. Obviously, he can't be home when you are not there so he needs to get on the same shift as you.

Additionally, he would need to give you all the pertinent information about his previous affairs and whore mongering activities, including dates, names, everything. After that, he needs to pass a polygraph.

The last condition would be to commit to the Marriage Builders program and restore the love in your marriage.

Just tell him you would be willing to give him an opportunity to earn your forgiveness and these are the things it would take. Otherwise there is nothing here to save and you will seek a divorce.

I suspect he has had other women in your house and would strongly urge you to get tested for STDs.

He's in the military. Wouldn't that be a good step for her to use also?

JEF has refused to get the military involved. She does not want her H's command to know what he is doing.

ETA this T/J: JEF's H has 18 years in the military and my H had nearly 30. One reason affairs flourish in the military is the tolerance of senior leaders for adultery. They are having affairs themselves and are unlikely to investigate anything that anyone else is doing.

AM

The known actions her husband has undertaken at this point do not rise to the level of forced separation from the military. If he has a particularly bad record, the most that could be expected would be a formal reprimand, and that primarily for using government resources for personal purposes.

If he continues down the path he's heading, he will put his career, retriement, and all of JEF's family plan in jeopardy. Better to get his command involved in stopping him now, rather than let it escalate.

Regardless of what his seniors may or may not be involved in, when the poo hits the fan in a public way, it's every man for himself. If JEF's WH gets caught in some situation that casts a bad light on the Navy, or is a violation of the UCMJ (as is adultery), and it becomes public knowledge, JEF's WH will be forcibly thrown under the bus (or frigate, or destroyer, or aircraft carrier; whatever the squids throw each other under . . .).

JEF, your WH's BEHAVIOR is putting your family in jeopardy, not your reporting of his behavior.

This is my last attempt to get you to do the rational, sensible thing that's MOST LIKELY TO PUT A STOP TO THE BEHAVIOR WITH THE LEAST NEGATIVE IMPACT!

If this situation were to escalate to non-judicial punishment, expect forfeiture of pay and permamnent reduction in rank, which WILL affect his retirement!

Update: I did confront him this weekend about everything. He agrees to be totally transparent and I told him that would involve eblaster on all computers in the house and for his phone as well. He says that he knows he needs help because he likes talking to other people on the internet. While he swears there has never been a meeting that is something that I do not have proof of and I guess I take him at his word. He said that he sets up meetings all the time when the internet chats escalate but he always stands them up and doesn't meet them or cancels the meeting. He is agreeing to start councelling as soon as possible. If there is anything else anyone can think of that I may be missing as far as what I should be putting in place as conditions please let me know.

His knowing about it kind of negates its usefulness, but you cannot really unring that bell other than to not mention it again hoping that he'll think you've forgotten about it.

Install it anyways but don't tell him about it. If you need a discrete way to pay for it, pay cash for one of those Visa/Amex giftcards from a pharmacy and use it. When asked where the cash went, say it went to certain feminine products and he'll drop it.

No.
Do not take him at "his word"
His word doesn't mean anything.
Schedule a polygraph

I would forgo counseling altogether because that may just very well wreck your marriage entirely. Ic will help him achieve personal goals at the expense of your marriage.

And you don't have to take his word for it. I don't believe for 2 seconds, but you don't have to take my word for it. If you want to see him sing like canary, call around and schedule an appointment with a reputable polygrapher. Two days before the test, hand your husband a list of questions and tell him he has an appointment with a polygraph tester and you are giving him ONE LAST CHANCE to come clean before the test by answering all your questions honestly. And that he had better pass the test.

You will see him sing like a canary and you will find out a lot of things.

Also, installing eblaster on all the computers doesn't really solve the problem because he can easily disable it. The problem is that he is on a computer AT ALL when you are not there. He needs to get off the computer completely.

He should also eliminate all opposite sex friendships and adhere to extraordinary precautions.

I did not order the eblaster for any of the computers actually. I think I mistyped my update. He told me to put anything on the computers or phone that I needed to be ensure that he was not doing anything wrong any longer and I told him that we could not afford to do that.

Gotcha! I would insist he just stay off the computers altogether unless you are right there. I would password protect your computer. He can also trade in his smart phone for a dumb phone.

Thank you for your advice. I will look into a polygraph. I am not sure how councelling will do any more damage. I think he needs help. I don't know how to keep him off the computer, he is on it all the time and home and at work and even in the car on his phone he is on there. I can't watch him every minute of the day. I am not worried about the councelling anyway, he always tells me he will get help or seek councelling and makes the appointment then either "forgets" the appointment or does not show up.

Counseling is a waste of time. He does need HELP - FROM YOU - he needs you to start holding him accountable and STOP putting up with this crap!! When you have no boundaries at all, he will continue to do what he can get away with. You have no conditions and as long as that is the case, I guarantee you nothing will change.

What will help your marriage is getting him off the computers. You HAVE to make this a condition or your marriage will not recover. Your husband is actively trolling for women and unless he STOPS the means by which he trolls and makes a dramatic 180 degree change, it will not stop.

Nothing has changed. Nothing. So unless you are willing to sit by while he continues to troll for chicks and invites them to your home, then you have a big problem.

Your husband is dangerous and unless he makes a radical 180 degree change, your future will be a series of affairs. Are you willing to go along with that?

His knowing that you cannot readily do this with his work computer or hidden cell makes it so much easier for him to "offer" this to you.

None of this will stop until you get fed up enough to set definite consequences for bad behavior and then follow through with them.

Yeah I agree I need to set up boundaries with him and that I need to do it now. I am working on those boundaries right now to present to him.

That is right you can't watch him. But you could first arrange so you are home TOGETHER by getting parallel work shifts. And you can demand he never go on a computer without you. He can't go on the internet on his phone if he has a dumb phone.

See, unless he arranges his life in a way that he can't do this again.............HE WILL DO IT AGAIN!! I promise you!!


He agreed to get you off his back. And it would be wonderful if he went to counseling because he go there and waste time talking about his childhood instead of working on his marriage. Most waywards love counseling because it is such a great distraction from the real problem.

Northwood, I agree with you. I am working on the boundaries right now that I need to set in place and the actions that I will take if he does not follow through.

Why would he keep the appointment and go through all the trouble of talking about his issues if there's no reason to?

People don't change enjoyable, albeit poor, behaviors unless they have a damn good reason for doing so. I would have happily kept up a two pack a day smoking habit if it could have been guaranteed that I wouldn't develop cancer.

Same thing with your husband. You have to hold him accountable to the standards that you require to stay married to him. It's then his choice on whether or not to acquiesce.

Gotcha

Set him down and explain that you want to have a romantic, loving, SAFE marriage and that you won�t stay in a dangerous marriage where he trolls for chicks on the internet. Tell him you are willing to give him an opportunity to earn your forgiveness if he makes radcial changes. Otherwise, this will lead to divorce. If he won't agree to these conditions, you should separate because a man who is actively and aggressively chasing nooky on the internet and inviting them into your home is dangerous! In order for the marriage to recover, certain things have to happen. This is what it will take to keep you interested:

1. never go on a computer again unless wife is there - password protect all computers and only BS has passwords

2. no nights apart or going out without each other - create a healthy, integrated lifestyle

3. complete transparency - cell phone passwords, etc

4. no more opposite sex friendships

5. complete honesty about his affair<s> � passing a polygraph

6. commit to the Marriage Builders program for recovery as outlined in the book Surviving an Affair.

7. exchange cell phones and give him a dumb phone. Since he has given out his number to skanks, he should never have use of that number again. The BS should have that # so she can field skank calls.

Tell him "this is what it will take to keep me in this marriage." Whether your marriage ends up with success or failure will depend almost entirely on his willingness and ability to make radical changes. His lifestyle must become absolutely transparent, holding nothing back. He is in no position to negotiate when it comes to extraordinary precautions, because those precautions are designed to prevent another affair and help you feel safe. He must also meet your emotional needs in a way that until now he has failed. Unless he makes a 180 degree turn in her approach to what it means to be a husband, your marriage won't recover, it will be a crippled version of your pre-affair marriage.

You have nothing to lose and everything to gain by taking this approach, because if she won't do these things, you will have lost nothing except a loveless, abusive marriage.

Unless you use this program to create a much better marriage than the one you had before the affair, you are likely looking at repeat affairs. So don't even think you can get away with sweeping the affair under the rug and going back to what you had before. What you had before led to the affair!

I know that I have been lax when it comes to really sitting down with him to resolve these issues and get back on track. I have my own part in this too and I am working on that. In the past I threaten him that I will leave if I find another secret email or evidence that he has secret friends but I never follow through because he swears everything is just talk and nothing has ever happened beyond talk and I think I listen to it and believe it because it is easier for me to say that I believe him and our lives go on as if nothing has happened.

And p.s. I would tell everyone what he has been doing. Tell your kids, parents, close family and friends. They can hold him accountable and they can give you support.

I think a 12 step program for sex addiction may benefit your husband more than counseling.
But the thing is YOU can't change him.
You can only control how you respond to his behaviors.
An alcoholic can tell his wife: "I promise I won't drink anymore" then have a drink 10 minutes later. Words don't mean anything.
That's why you need to schedule a polygraph. Because you need to know the truth. And I highly suspect the truth is much worse than he now admits to

In dealing with addictions NEVER make a threat you are not willing to carry out

Your husband is a dangerous man!! He was willing to invite some skank into your home and have sex with her IN YOUR HOME!! That is about as destructive as it gets, my friend.

And I would also DEMAND that he get STD testing because I ASSURE you he has had sex with these women. Why wouldn't he? He is out hunting for it and has no boundaries whatsoever. It is not believable that he has not had anyone in your home for sex. I don't believe it!

This is where going to his command would help you.

I know he is in the military and you refuse to use this path. They can make sure his "work" is on the up and up.