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Joined: Apr 2001
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Why don't you plan on meeting him there at that time?

By that time you could have all of the spyware in place on his computer and phone. A good phone spyware is eblaster. It takes about 10 minutes to install and cost $65. You can download it on the phone real fast.

And I have no objection to your methods. Your husband is DANGEROUS and however you catch him is fair game, IMO. I applaud you for being clever and creative!


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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I was thinking the exact same thing that Ava should not cancel the meeting and that I should come back home sick with something. It is a good idea and I can keep the ruse going for a little longer.

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Originally Posted by JasonEllisFan
Obviously I am going to have to give him an excuse as to why I can't meet on Wednesday because Ava, the girl he is talking to, is me.

I think YOU should show up for that appointment. With all the emails in hand.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
I think YOU should show up for that appointment. With all the emails in hand.

Even better.


Me (BH)
FWW
Married 2000, DS 8, DD 6, DD 2

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That is a great idea MelodyLane. I may do that. I appreciate all the advice coming my way.

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Originally Posted by JasonEllisFan
That is a great idea MelodyLane. I may do that. I appreciate all the advice coming my way.

I love a clever girl!! hurray


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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I have had to be pretty clever these last few days. I hate being devious but I gotta do what I gotta do.

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Originally Posted by JasonEllisFan
I thought I would get blasted because I am playing dirty and I don't want people to misinterpret what I am doing as baiting him into something. He started this.


You cannot bait someone who does not want to be baited. He has given you reason not to trust him and until he EARNS back trust you are wise to verify his actions.

You are not playing dirty...you are being wise.


ME: BW
HIM: FWH
Married 18 yrs
DDay 09/2008 and 12/2008

Recovered

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I feel a little better about what I am doing here. thank you guys for your advice and for talking with me.

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So glad to see you over here getting the support you need, JEF.

You are not being devious. Your husband is not entitled to a level of secrecy that allows him to do such a horrible thing to you. I'm glad to see you working with these other posters to put together a surprise your husband will never forget!

Wanted to chime in on the telephone spyware: my wife took her phone with her everywhere and even slept with it charging on her nightstand, one foot from her head -- and she's a very light sleeper.

I literally crawled into the bedroom on my stomach at about 2 AM to lift the phone to get the spyware on it. That was a very tense 20 minutes or so. Unfortunately, something happened to the phone and I had to do it again 2 weeks later. It's now been working flawlessly for over 18 months.

It's worth it, whatever you have to do to make it happen. Your husband is actively trolling for an adultery partner and you need to rock his world!

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i have looked into eblaster for the phone in the past and just have not gotten around to buying it. Guess now is the time.

And, I do plan to rock his world. He will not see this one coming.

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What is your PLAN after that?

Do you have your conditions that will keep YOU interested in the marriage?


ME: BW
HIM: FWH
Married 18 yrs
DDay 09/2008 and 12/2008

Recovered

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Honestly I do not have a plan right now. I have dealt with him and secret emails for many years now and everytime i hear that he has never done anything that he just likes to flirt and talk dirty with other people. i have no hard evidence of cheating. Honestly this is a pattern and at this point I do not see him changing ever. we have been married for 18 almost 19 years. I think at this point I just want out. I would rather be alone then have this constantly happening behind my back

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I agree with pokerface...you need a plan and conditions.

If you come clean, your husband will play it one of two ways. Either he will claim he knew it was you all along and just wanted to see how far it would go, or he will claim it was entirely innocent and he was truly looking for a workout partner so that he could surprise you with his new physique. Either way he plays it, it will be very convincing!

I would escalate things as "Ava" if I were you so that there is no doubt to his intentions. Email him a faceless provocative shot of yourself, or some random image you find on the internet and see his reaction. Ask him for some racy photos of himself. Once you are armed with this kind of ammunition, there is no way he can spin it as innocent intentions.

Then set up a meeting and ambush the hell out of him. Give him two choices, either agree to complete honesty, transparency and extraordinary precautions, including a commitment to the MB's program. Or pack his bags and leave immediately. Demand and answer now, do not give him time to think, spin things, or cover his tracks. Expose this to his mom or someone close to him that could be your ally and have them come with you for support.

Complete honesty means he come completely clean about this kind of activity in the past. You installed the keylogger in the first place because he has done this before, did you ever get the complete truth out of him?

Transparency means that there are no more secret email accounts. You have all his passwords and can look on his laptop, phone, or work computer whenever you desire.

Extraordinary precautions mean you eliminate being in a situation to even be tempted. Get rid of the home computer or home internet is a start.

In this ambush, you are not giving him an ultimatum. You are setting boundaries under what condition YOU chose to live. And you will not live with someone making secret liasons over the internet, period.


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I love plans because they give me control.

My FWH was flirty also and I put up with it for years until I caught him sneaking around with the neighbor and mother of my daughter's best friend. My FWH has done a complete change is now a great husband...but it did not happen until I gave him reason to change.

Do you have children?


ME: BW
HIM: FWH
Married 18 yrs
DDay 09/2008 and 12/2008

Recovered

schtoop #2678378 10/31/12 11:27 AM
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i have never gotten the full truth. When i ask for details or additional information he claims he is embarrassed and doesn't want to talk to me about that stuff.

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We have two boys, 17 and 8

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ok. One of your conditions is complete honesty and a poly to back it up.

Last edited by pokerface; 10/31/12 11:35 AM. Reason: correction

ME: BW
HIM: FWH
Married 18 yrs
DDay 09/2008 and 12/2008

Recovered

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I agree the main condition is to have complete honesty but after these many years is that even possible? I am so tired of it all. I am at a point where I just want to say screw it, what I don't know can't hurt me. It is exhausting trying to keep someone who obviously wants to be with other people. I blame it in part to the fact that we were together in high school and were each other's first and were married when I was 17 and he was 18. Maybe it was doomed from the start. I can already feel myself giving up on it all.

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Originally Posted by JasonEllisFan
I agree the main condition is to have complete honesty but after these many years is that even possible? I am so tired of it all. I am at a point where I just want to say screw it, what I don't know can't hurt me. It is exhausting trying to keep someone who obviously wants to be with other people. I blame it in part to the fact that we were together in high school and were each other's first and were married when I was 17 and he was 18. Maybe it was doomed from the start. I can already feel myself giving up on it all.
The Harleys married very young and are still in a very romantic marriage.

If your WH learns to live his life completely transparent with boundaries and care in your marriage you will be able to have that kind of a marriage.


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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