Its been a hard, hard year - 04/27/13 07:52 PM
Fourteen months ago I discovered my husband had a long-standing relationship with another woman. At first he denied it, but eventually said this: it was a friendship which several years ago turned into an emotional affair but never went as far as actual intercourse because she refused to go that far, though he did ask. He was very reluctant to agree to stop seeing her and couldn't decide what to do for about 3 months, then he did make a commitment not to see her again, and to keep our marriage. I got the surviving an affair book,but he didn't feel it "fit our situation". He refused to see a counselor, didn't want to follow the openness and honesty policy advice, write her an "it's over" letter, talk about his emotional needs, spend more time with me, etc. He doesn't see a need to actively rebuild, he just wants me to forgive him and trust him again, and it will all be OK.
But I tried to follow my side of the marriage builder advice. I secretly found out who she was in preparation for a public exposure (although I didn't do it because he finally agreed to have no further contact; I have not told anyone except one adult daughter because he asked me not to). I have been as patient as possible with the pain and ambivalence he felt, I have tried to initiate discussions about meeting his emotional needs, and I have been trying very hard to do things that I know he does appreciate even though he doesn't verbalize them as needs. After he made the commitments to me, I would ask if he had seen her but it was bothering him a lot that I asked (that supposedly showed a lack of trust that I should have)so I hadn't said or asked anything AT ALL about her since August. I tried so hard to do what he wanted, just drop it. Until a month or so ago, I thought he at least was feeling pretty good about our marriage.
But in the meantime I'm not "getting over this" well. The strain of hiding what is wrong from family and friends has been so hard. I struggle every day. My health is going downhill and it has been the most miserable year of my whole life, and I've had some tough ones before. I'm taking antidepressants. I have earnestly prayed for a forgiving heart and a way to express that to him. I have enough experience with betrayal in other circumstances to know that you have to decide to forgive over and over and over because we're human and we tend to take the offenses back. I'm sorry, I don't even know what forgiveness is supposed to look or feel like if I haven't been doing it!
Now to the more current things that are upsetting me. Twice in the last month I went to pick him up at his (male) friend's house where he spends every Sunday, and when I went to the door, he was watching internet porn. That may not be a big deal to some people, but it is deeply offensive to me, and not just because of the exploitation involved. So I confronted him about it, explained how it made me feel because of my breast cancer and mastectomy, that he was looking at women without disfigurements. I admit I totally lost my temper and that is pretty out of character for me. I did bring up the OW because of my pain at the thought of him touching her, and I know he understands why those things hurt me. Maybe that is why he hid this next...
Last week the OW's number was on his recently used text numbers but he had deleted the actual texts. I found it by accident but I do still generally check his phone often and it has been months since I saw anything. So I asked him. Calmly. He said he went to her house to get a saw he had left there when he was doing some repairs for her and I had nothing to worry about, it was just the once. His explanation for deleting it and for not telling me he went to her house was to avoid how it would upset me needlessly. I need to forgive him, trust him...
And maybe that's not what he was hiding at all. I just don't know. I have not pursued it any further. I've just been thinking it over and I don't think I can drop it this time. I feel like he has had it all his way at the expense of my needs. I feel kind of trapped. My religious beliefs prevent me from leaving him and compel me to forgive him. There is no reason I have kept his secrets except because he would be shamed for them to be public. I would love to be able to make him feel trustworthy, but he has lied and been secretive so often that I really do not feel confident he hasn't lied about everything.
It seems vicious to start telling people now about an affair that actually might have ended almost a year ago. I don't know if I should force him into counseling with an ultimatum...I'm not sure what kind of ultimatum I could actually carry out. I've felt that because I was the one who cared the most about rebuilding, that most of the responsibility to act maturely was on me, even if it hurt to give and give. But I'm at the point where he MUST begin to see that my needs are real and urgent, and I don't know where to begin to communicate that desperation.
But I tried to follow my side of the marriage builder advice. I secretly found out who she was in preparation for a public exposure (although I didn't do it because he finally agreed to have no further contact; I have not told anyone except one adult daughter because he asked me not to). I have been as patient as possible with the pain and ambivalence he felt, I have tried to initiate discussions about meeting his emotional needs, and I have been trying very hard to do things that I know he does appreciate even though he doesn't verbalize them as needs. After he made the commitments to me, I would ask if he had seen her but it was bothering him a lot that I asked (that supposedly showed a lack of trust that I should have)so I hadn't said or asked anything AT ALL about her since August. I tried so hard to do what he wanted, just drop it. Until a month or so ago, I thought he at least was feeling pretty good about our marriage.
But in the meantime I'm not "getting over this" well. The strain of hiding what is wrong from family and friends has been so hard. I struggle every day. My health is going downhill and it has been the most miserable year of my whole life, and I've had some tough ones before. I'm taking antidepressants. I have earnestly prayed for a forgiving heart and a way to express that to him. I have enough experience with betrayal in other circumstances to know that you have to decide to forgive over and over and over because we're human and we tend to take the offenses back. I'm sorry, I don't even know what forgiveness is supposed to look or feel like if I haven't been doing it!
Now to the more current things that are upsetting me. Twice in the last month I went to pick him up at his (male) friend's house where he spends every Sunday, and when I went to the door, he was watching internet porn. That may not be a big deal to some people, but it is deeply offensive to me, and not just because of the exploitation involved. So I confronted him about it, explained how it made me feel because of my breast cancer and mastectomy, that he was looking at women without disfigurements. I admit I totally lost my temper and that is pretty out of character for me. I did bring up the OW because of my pain at the thought of him touching her, and I know he understands why those things hurt me. Maybe that is why he hid this next...
Last week the OW's number was on his recently used text numbers but he had deleted the actual texts. I found it by accident but I do still generally check his phone often and it has been months since I saw anything. So I asked him. Calmly. He said he went to her house to get a saw he had left there when he was doing some repairs for her and I had nothing to worry about, it was just the once. His explanation for deleting it and for not telling me he went to her house was to avoid how it would upset me needlessly. I need to forgive him, trust him...
And maybe that's not what he was hiding at all. I just don't know. I have not pursued it any further. I've just been thinking it over and I don't think I can drop it this time. I feel like he has had it all his way at the expense of my needs. I feel kind of trapped. My religious beliefs prevent me from leaving him and compel me to forgive him. There is no reason I have kept his secrets except because he would be shamed for them to be public. I would love to be able to make him feel trustworthy, but he has lied and been secretive so often that I really do not feel confident he hasn't lied about everything.
It seems vicious to start telling people now about an affair that actually might have ended almost a year ago. I don't know if I should force him into counseling with an ultimatum...I'm not sure what kind of ultimatum I could actually carry out. I've felt that because I was the one who cared the most about rebuilding, that most of the responsibility to act maturely was on me, even if it hurt to give and give. But I'm at the point where he MUST begin to see that my needs are real and urgent, and I don't know where to begin to communicate that desperation.