I am his wife and my husband has convinced me to write here as he feels you all will be able to help me ...what he has written is just a very very small part to our situation and not everything mentioned is the way it is ...let me give u an insight first to the person I am. My negatives r that I am a very short tempered person and don't like being lied to. I prefer saying the truth always the way it is and not any other way in all aspects of life. But my husband obviously thinks otherwise. I have burnt bridges because of my straight forward ness. Bt I have never ever lied cheated or deceived anyone intentionally I met my husband when I was sixteen married him at twenty three. I had a very successful career which I gave up to be with hmm. My husband had been very loving yet we had our share of fights in the beginning stages of marriage. We had physical fights too. Inspire of seeing each other for seven years we didn't understand each other much. After six years we opened our business ie afte six months of having my daughter. He business was successful and we flourished. Our business involved one or both of us to travel and goto different shows. My husband always went to Las Vegas and NYC and la for hi international trips. On these trips I now find out he visited whores escorts prostitues. We have businesses in the caribbeana and Alaska My husband was very flirtish wth a staff from California last year when we were in Alaska. He was keen to get her to work for us in the Caribbean. I trusted my husband blindly and fully with everything. I agreed and he got her to the Caribbean in October. Even before she arrived I saw a weird kind of keen attitude he had to see her sooner than needed in the Caribbean. I pointed it out many times to my husband. This gal was very seductive in her dressing and would tend to wear low necks. Something one wears to a club. She definitely is prettier than most gals and has a good body too. Ten years younger than me. I caught my husband seeing her pics on Facebook and we argued. I had planned a vacation last year of August to India along with my family. Ie me my kids and husband. My husband has so far never initiated a vacation with all of us in thirteen years. I was to leave sooner with the kids and he would follow me after twenty one days for a frame of ten to eleven days and we were to fly back home together once the vacation ended. I left as planned with the kids. By now I had seen a lot of chemistry between my staff and husband. I made sure she and he didn't communicate at any level. But he was in touch with her via SMS on his fone. The day I left. Y husband wined and dined her that night onwards. Made love that same nite and many mites later. He would leave at two am to be with her and come back at four am. Until here my husband and I had a lousy sex life. I always felt rejected because. My husband would refuse sex many times. If I did not initiate he would not ask for it for three to four months. And I indeed stop initiating sex. But with her it was the passion and excitement. He came as planned for the vacation and within three days he decided to prepone and leave back stating it was business. He came back with gifts for her. He treated her like he had never treated me before. When came bk he wa cold rude and mean and fight me every time it spoke. I felt the distance and I knew he had something going on but had no proof. She continues used working in my business I exit the store at three pm to pick kids from school and then they would be free to do what they pleased. My husband would go out with his friends three to four times in the nights but would goto her. They did all this undermy nose. My husband knew I knew but since I did not have a proof they went on.
My husband and I do t sleep in the same room for yeast as my kids always wanted me to sleep with them. So. Y husband would not be bothered when kids woke up I decided to let this arrangement continue. During this time he would chat with her in the nights. One night I caught him SMS ing her and my husband physically beat me down deleted the SMS and said he was in touch with his father. My fathers law and mothers law are nothing short of devils and have demeaned me a lot. We'll that is another story. So here I walked out of the house that nt as he insisted it was his dad on SMS. Etc. his father lied to me too to cover this up and since had no proof I convinced my heart I was wrong and came bk. my husband called me a whore if I called her a whore. And after that nt she was sent back to California while we lived in the Caribbean. My husband begged me looked me in the eye said he loved me etc. but he still stayed in touch with her. Since my husband never has taken the initiative to plan anything with us alone I decided to revive our romance I planned a trip to Puerto Rico for a day ie just him and me. As I landed in pr I recvd a msg from my husbands keep stating she was wrongly terminated and she'd be hired bk in Alaska season in April. The store was to reopen seasonally in April end. My husband pretended to look stressed and spoke of a law suit etc. I was convinced it's working him up and I agreed to hire her back. All along I thought of him but this was a planned scheme by the two of them to fool me yet again. A day before we were to fly out I had yet another huge fight and I bugged my husbands USA fone. He has two handsets one for the Caribbean and one for the states. Until here my husband had suggested that I come a month after he leaves for Alaska as kids education is important. He even went to the school principal to convince her to let me go with him in April as my kids miss a term of school. But the way he spoke was not convincing. The principal is my friend who I spoke to on a separate level and had her convinced to let me go sooner. He was not a part to this. But when I told my husband I could fly with him to Alaska he was heartbroken. It was shown on his face. So a day before I bugged his fone. When we landed here I was unpacking at home while my husband was smooching her in the store in the office. Scheming where they could meet to [censored] again. I went to store the next day and forced my husband to stop using his Caribbean fone. I wanted to see his activity on his USA fine as I had bugged that. My husband was trying to kill time so at six I leave from work to pick the kids from my baby sitter and he could come later. As soon as I got home I checked and there were SMS frommy husband being upset that she didn't kiss him we'll enuf in the store. She was sank ing him to come bk home to kiss her and he kept saying for me that she has called I am late. When I got home we naturally had a show down and I decided to leave. He told me bat his adventures his sex positions etc. everything I thought was in the open. He insisted he never visited whores or prostitutes he insisted he had not given her anything. So I decided to leave. The next day his keep ie my staff was asked to leave too. But she stayed another one day. She left on day three and one day four I decided it fly back to my brother in the Caribbean. Just before the security check in my husband begged me to return and I hoped there were no more lies. When I got back I tried to start fresh. Within three days he lied again. I had asked him to give a pay cut to an employee who i presumed gets paid three times the salary the owner takes. Ie he is taking home three times the money. I assumed my husband was doing just that. I still decided to use the bug and recall the conversation. In that conversation my husband spoke weirdly to this staff almost sounded like to fool me By this pay cut and he wasn't genuinely giving him a payout. When I confronted my husband he denied. Next am I used my husbands fone to cross check something else bat another employees salary and commission structure. I wrote as him to this employee from his fone. A bucket of lies came out. My husband has all these years been giving five to six times the salary to staff. He has been giving commissions in thousands of dollars to staff. All this has been done by telling the staff that I don't understand business and that if I am asked they should lie to me about the salaries they have received. Or commissions they have been paid. For years the staff has been disrespectful towards me. Now I see why because when I my own husband has lied to me about money why wouldn't they. This business was as much mine as his and I am a legal partner in this business. Also our business as we speak is in a huge loss. My husband has been aware of that I have repeatedly shown him the books but my husband intentionally chose to do this. As h wanted a lifestyle where he was free. The staff expenses have driven us in a whole and he inspire of knowing has lied to me and made them lie to me for years now. I at this point walked out. He then confessed visiting whores prostitues I am sickened with his lies. This forum isn't enuf for me to express I could write pages after pages of how I feel. I feel like I have been raped and mutilated like my kids have died. This is the only man I have always loved. Not once have I lied or remotely manipulated him and I have just died with all this in my heart. My husband has never made gestures for me. He made gestures of buying his girlfriend diamonds perfumes jewelry etc. planned dinners with flowers and wined her and dined her. If I had to have flowers I had to tell my husband. Please don't get me wrong. It's not that I cannot buy myself what I want. I am capable of. But sometimes it works up heart if u know someone who loves u does this. My husband won't ever notice me but near my face drools looking at other women. He has openly to my face flirted with other women noticed them but not come home and noticed me. I am just too devastated how my life has turned out. I have made such a wrong choice in my life and am living with it. When I gave everything in this marriage I got nothing just nothing. His abuses ring in my ears. He has convinced the world I am this mad woman who gets mad over the trivial matters. But I am not like that. My employees fear me because he tells them to take these thousands of dollars under the table and not to tell me because I am crazy. He makes me look like this angry unforgiving soil yet afte all this he wants me to forgive him In so many years of marriage I feel so used now

I have my shard of faults and I am not perfect but I have loved him perfectly and truthfully. He has never lived me back I feel now. I was just a handbag like a status. Quo for an image of a nice family man. He made sexual jokes bat how he wants me in public but refuses to touch me at home for months and weeks Yet when I complain for lack of sex I got random weird reasons. I saw him watching porn repeatedly. His porn addiction was there but he wanted to see them over me

Yet now he says he cheated due to lack of excitement in this marriage. What is the guarantee he won't cheat again. He stop cause he got caught. He had been caught but without proof This time with proof so he stopped. He didn't want me yet says he cheated like he lacked that thrill

My husbands lies and manipulative ways have put us in many problems before thru lawsuits and loses but I have stood by him thru all this. I have never ever walked away which I think was the problem. I feel sickened to see how much he has lied to me thru the years and manuoilated me on the smallest level. I cannot even express it in words how I feel He made me believe like I lacked something. I feel so ugly as a person I lack my self esteem I have done everything to make him see me but somehow even when his eyes were on me his soul wasn't and that came thru in his behavior. I had repeatedly told him before all this came out in the open that I felt very very lonely in this marriage. Very alone. That he not wanting me breaks my heart. But he never understood it. Now when he looks me in the eyes and tells me things they all r lies.

His parents are extremely rude and negative people. His parents demeaned me all these years manuoilated us to give our savings to them and a lot more. His parents have insulted my parents and not only my own folks his parents have snipped relations with their own brothers and sisters His mother is a devilish woman who controls the house and I have stood with him tolerating them. Yet my husband has gone and told negative things bat me to his parents to make hi be the good guy. I don't find any love in my heart for this man. Everyone tells me if I leave my husband it will radically change my kids life. I came bk in May to try this out only for my kids sake. But. Even now when I husband sees another woman who is half way exposing her breasts he looses his mind and I feel pathetic about it. I feel like the ugliest woman on the face of this earth I have huge paunch. after the two c sections and yes I know my body is not presentable. But I have given birth to two kids his kids .....

I have begged my husband to make an effort for me to look at me like he has wanted me more than anyone else. I have never seen efforts unless it was to his benefit. If we went out alone for dinner he was too tired or too sleepy or too upset to talk. He hasn't made gestures for me never planned a trip never celebrated my birthday ever planned a date likea real date with me yet he has done this and more for himself and his keep. He has never done it for me unless I have spelled it out in words repeatedly to him like let us go out let us go for a dinner etc. I have seen him plan a vacation with her but in thirteen years he has never booked a ticket for us. I am tired of begging. Begging for his time his attention. Begging that he sees me. Now that he is telling me he wants to do all this I do t want it. My heart is exploding with pain lies deceit. So many years of my sacrifices. And I have nothing in my hands today. I have a spouse who cheated me lied to me deceived me for years. And today wants me back after he got caught.
I don't want this today. I feel trapped in this marriage I feel like now he has had his share of escapades so now wants me so I can cook his food clean his dishes do his laundry. I cannot be a watch dog looking at my back ll the time. If I turn away he is gawking at another woman.

Today my husband is saying he loves me and won't ever cheats me. But I don't want this anymore because I don't love him


Please excuse the grammatical errors and spellings. I didn't re read or do a spell check.

Each day of mine goes thinking of days and events of how I was lied and cheated on. And I can't get past it.

Gkumars Wife,

I am going to notify the moderators to start up a new topic thread, just for you personally to get help and advice.

I am so sorry for all the pain you have been through, yet most of us here know how you are feeling all too well ourselves.

We can help you. Please stick around for your own well being.

LTL

My husband during his arguments says to me that I will have to constantly have to hear it now u will constantly speak of this and how else will we move forward but I know he will lie to my face with a straight face looks in my eyes and lie to me unless I have no proof. He was caught texting her and because there was no proof he lied and many such Incidents where he has lied and since there is no proof he is a very confident liar. He takes pride in his lying skills

I did notify the moderators for you and suggested your new thread be placed in the Surviving An Affair sub-forum, so that you can get personal direct advice.

LTL

I feel exhausted and tired. For me to ask for everything for me to beg for it. Smallest of things I had to ask for and it's exhausting. In a marriage u need to know u r special and want that extra time and attention. Sometimes u want to know u r loved and noticed. U want to get that extra attention I have felt like that never existed for me. Smallest of gestures such as having our name listed together when he writes to his friends on face book wall or having my face or our faces on his profile picture has to be asked. I feel like he didn't acknowledge me If I had to post a compliment on his Facebook wall saying I loved him or a sing I never got a reaction a comment. I am not being a teenager or petty all I am saying is it's not always bat spending money to prove u love the person. Sometimes us words ur expressions mean everything. I am fed up of asking for all this and more. Truly fed up. Devastated that he understood it for the wrong person. I could just go on for the whole day but I won't. I don't even know if u folks understand my point of view.

Ltl. I apologize if I have written in the wrong spot.

I keep asking why to myself everyday. Why did he not love me back. Why did he not find me attractive enuf. Why did he cheat on me lie to me. Why did he do this to me. There r no real reasons. I know I have done everything and more as a wife. Each morning I wake up feeling a stone in my heart. I can't sleep thru the notes and dream of them all the time. I wake up and can't go back to sleep. What did I do to deserve all this.

Mrs. Gkumar, please go to the "register" link and register a new screen name for yourself. Thank you

Why can't I use this same id with my husband. I would rather do it this way

gkumar, it will be very confusing to the posters if you post under the same name. It really is very easy to obtain a unique posting name.

Hello gkumar's wife, we are very happy that you have written.

I'm so sorry for what you have gone through, and I am also SO happy that you have come here to post.

The GREAT thing is that it does not have to be like this any more. If you choose to learn a bit about the Marriage Builder's program, and if both of you will commit to working the program, it is totally possible that you can build the marriage of your dreams, and that you can both fall passionately in love with each other!

It is better if you choose your own ID so that you can have your very own thread. You can choose Mrs gkumar if you like.

As a rule here, we don't post in our spouse's thread, just because everyone has their own story and their own emotions to get out. It is much EASIER for us readers to keep things straight when we can see easily whether it is the husband or the wife posting.

You two can read each other's threads if you choose (my husband and I did), but some couples agree to each other not to read them. This thread is like your own personal place from here on out. Your husband doesn't post in your thread, and you don't post in his.

I have created a new username gkumarswife and I am waiting for it to be approved. Can my posts be moved there then

yep! Nothing to move (I think), but from here on out once the moderators approve, your posts will appear with your own username.

Ty so much

Meanwhile gkumarswife, start here with a tad of reading info. I am making a link for you. Let us know what you think.

Marriage Builders Basic Concepts

I am unable to login with my own username. Says account not approved. Inspire of me receiving an email.

that's okay, you can keep posting here with gkumar's name until they finish the process. But to make it go faster, click the notify link at the bottom right of your last post. That way the moderator on duty will get your email and click the button to approve your account.

MrsGkumar,

I think you have to establish a baseline of truth in your marriage, your WH should write out a timeline of EVERYTHING he has done while married to your and even when dating.

Next get a polygraph, lie detector, test for your WH and then every 6 months get another. You have to destroy your WHs ability to live a secret second life, and he has to atone for his cheating sexual and financial.

God Bless
Gamma

Hi MrsGkumar, welcome to Marriage Builders. I am sorry for the reasons that have brought you here. I want you to know that we can help you get what you want. If you want to leave the marriage, we will support you. No one would blame you a bit for leaving the marriage.

But if you want to save it, we could help you do that too. What we would do is walk you through a program that would completely affair proof your marriage. Your husbands' life would be so transparent that he couldn't hide an affair anymore. That would mean never spending the night apart again and going to work TOGETHER every day. You would have to have access to everything: his phones, email accounts, computers, bank accounts, etc. He should not have the ability to ever hide anything again because he would not be out of your sight.

Once your marriage is affair proofed, we would help you create a romantic, passionate marriage. We would show you how to bring the passion back to your marriage. Part of that would be eliminating toxic relatives from your lives. If your inlaws are not in support of your marriage, then they shouldn't be allowed in until they show you the RESPECT you deserve.

So you tell us what you want to do. We can help you go either way.

I would love to get a lie detector test on my husband. Does such a thing exist for people who r not criminals Can it be available in such a case. I had even mentioned to my husband I want this test. I want to work this marriage out but I had known so much and I had tried too and yet he lied. He is an expert liar. Has fooled the law and system so I am just his wife !!!! But I can read him now and he knows. But he is the type until he is not caught with a proof he will lie. And lie relentlessly. Time and again has looked me in the eye and said so so many lies. Now all of those and his actions ring in my head every second. Even when I am laughing and happy they r still ringing and when I am not happy and laughing with him I am crying. Because my tears don't stop. I fail to understand why this happened to me. I fail to see what I lacked. Why did he repeatedly let me slide like this. Why did he keep this marriage and not ask me to leave If I was not what he desired. I feel so sickened in my own body it's hard to explain. I hate what I see. I have lost my desire to live and I feel the need to live just because of my kids. Why did he not want me and so e trash who would drop her pants for a few pennies. I was loyal to him and yet he prefered trash. I want to work this for my kids but the pain is unbearable. I feel if I leave I will feel better not seeing him

If u r askinge to hand his fines to me his accounts etc I don't wish to live like a wife cop. Where I have to check everything. If I have to check means I can't trust him. So why am I in this relationship where I have to watch my back. I am confused.

How do I get a polygraph and a lie detector test

I can tell you why this happened. The reason is because we are all tempted to have affairs under certain circumstances. Your H is tempted when he travels. Another terrible thing that happened to your marriage was his use of porn and prostitutes. All this time you have been competing against 18 year old porn stars and skanks at his workplace.

What we would help you do is shut down this competition and create an affair SAFE, passionate, intimate marriage.

You are devastated today, like we once were, but you won't feel devastated when this bad marriage is replaced by a great marriage.

My husband and I have complete transparency and access to each others email, phone and bank accounts. We do not feel like "cops;" we feel like married people. That is what people in good, healthy marriages do. It is not healthy to have blind trust in your marriage. IT LEADS TO AFFAIRS!!

And of course you can't trust him. It was too much trust that wrecked your marriage. It is not a lack of trust that destroys marriages, but a lack of boundaries.

MrsGkumar, yes a lie detector test can be performed on anyone.

When the two of you learn to follow marriage builders, you will both learn to have radical honesty with the other, and then the relentless lies will not even be an option.

We do understand how sickened that you feel in your own body. Actually, you put it PERFECTLY. Many of us, including me, have been there. HUGS to you.

Once we learn the Marriage Builder concepts, we see that we are not living like a wife cop. BOTH spouses WISH to live like this! It is actually very healthy for the marriage, and the way that we should have been living all along.

You do not have to stay in this relationship if you choose not to. No one will fault you for choosing to walk away. But if you DO wish to stay, and as long as your husband will choose to work with you�together the two of you CAN create a wonderful marriage (that will be affair proof).

I even watched porn with him. In my initial years of marriage he would ask me to watch porn before he made love to me. Now I see why. Because I didn't measure up to them. I watched it to make him happy. But I didn't realize that porn is what turned him on. He never expressed anything to me or else I would try to change. I am broken in myself. I can never be like a prostitute. Yet in anger he called me a whore. I didn't sleep around with his friends. Or flirted with them. Yet I repeatedly got called a whore. It has all broken me.

Who does?? Do you know very many women who "measure up" to an 18 year old porn star? Well, that is what you did when watched porn with him. You helped fuel a competition that should have been long gone. That also kept your husband obsessed with weird sex with other people which influenced his decisions to seek affairs and see prostitutes.

All he needed was the opportunity and he gained that by traveling around and by hiring females so he could use his power to exploit them for sex.


We can help you fix yourself by creating a passionate romantic marriage for you.

We can help you so that you no longer feel broken in yourself, whether you choose to stay or go.

Melody is right, NO ONE could compete with the contrast effect from watching porn, even a 16 year old couldn't compete with an 18 year old porn star, because they are all made up!

While I agree, that is very hurtful, it has nothing to do with your own self worth. We can help both you and your husband to learn to value each other first from here on out.

How can u help. What do I do. Pls can u post on my profile ie gkumarswife username so I can access it there on

gkumarswife, we cannot set up your username, the moderators have to do that, but they WILL.

It's just that we are all volunteers here, so maybe they are having dinner or otherwise busy right now, but they do work fast. You will have your username accepted and all set up soon, I am sure of it.

Glad you asked how we can help�

the first thing that we can do is to show you how to recover from an affair(s). Whether you choose to stay in your marriage or not! Many of us have experienced the pain and agony for ourselves, and so we can offer our hope and our guidance with learning to follow the Marriage Builders program.

Did you have a read at that link that I sent that outlined the Basic Concepts? If not, read those now and start with any questions that you have. I'm thinking especially hone in on the independent behavior and radical honesty. Tell us what you think.

Ask away, and we'll do our best to offer some hope and experience! This is YOUR recovery (if you choose), so we want to be guided by you.

gkmumarswife, you can sign out as gkumar and sign back in under your own name.

Yes I am here

Yes I read your link. Thanks.

But he was caught watching porn on the sly for years and he fought me I even threatened to walk away yet he did. The last time he watched porn was at work after his keep kissed him. How do I make this work every time I turn away he is lying cheating watching porn. I feel I can't match up to his expectations in any field. And now if he touches me I feel worthless. He has refused to touch me so many times I feel humiliated and belittled now I can never feel content because I know he never would be Able to feel content with me. He has masturbated In the bed next to me yet not touched me. I don't understand after all this he says he loves me. I find this disgusting. Why does he have to look at other women and masturbate. I feel very very ugly for years I have expressed my discontent in our sexual life somedays I suspected he was gay. But now I feel I just wasn't what he wanted. Yet he won't let me part ways. Says he loves me. I don't think someone who loves u will do this

When I ask him he says he was diseased. That's not an answer. It's not an answer. How u just say u r diseased by infecting my life and ruining me internally killing my soul and saying just this

It's like u r used to driving. Car which gives u a speed of 200miles per hour then when a car drives fifty or seventy it's average for u. That's how I feel. Like nothing for him.

He can't watch porn if you are together or if he has no access to a computer.


Feelings are not truth. If the porn is removed and he learns to get all of his sexual satisfaction from you, this will change.


WE will help you develop love and affection in your marriage so that you feel loved and worthwhile.


We will help you fall in love with each other.

It is like smoking. It is fun to smoke and it is hard to quit smoking at first. But once you quit smoking, you are glad and you love being smoke free. That is what we will do for your marriage. We will help him quit smoking.

You will both have to change your lives dramatically if you want to save your marriage.

He is a smoker. He knows what it is. He has quit many times. Yet went back to smoking. He knows it all

MrsGKumar,

Do a search in Google for "polygraph" add in additional search terms like "alaska" etc will get you more local results and providers. Often the polygraph operators are ex-police. You might also find them in the telephone book or get a referral from a local lawyer.

Your WH will complain about how unscientific or inaccurate they are ignore him, and tell him "those with nothing to hide hide nothing and are not afraid of the truth so you are going to do this"

One approach is to make a list of questions for example.

1) do our children meet any of your OW
2) did any of your OW get pregnant
3) did you get a STD from any of the OW
...
...
100) who else knew about the affairs.
101) who helped you hide the affairs

The polygraph operator then asks your WH if he answered all of your questions truthfully.

God Bless
Gamma

I found a polygraph expert. Have left a voicemail for an appt. told him he agreed. May be he thinks he can fool the system too now.

It's unreal how confident of a liar he is. He can look u in the eye. Swear on his kids lives yet lie

What's OW

I totally hear you on this.

My previously wayward spouse always said that he was on a downward spiral and couldn't get off. UGH it totally caused me to shut up and walk away. Back then. Before we started real recovery.

I have learned now that he was giving the best answer that he could give, because he didn't know how to stop that spiral. So your husband keeps saying that he is diseased. Same thing. He so far is not able to stop the spiral (disease) himself. But the TWO OF YOU working together for the good of the marriage CAN stop it.

You can build extraordinary precautions into your Marriage so that both of you will be able to be SAFE to work to build a better marriage than you have ever had before.

OW = other woman or women

OW, means "other woman"
OWH means "other womans husband"

K

My husband besides cheating and lying looks at other women. The other day we went to get coffee. And a pretty looking young gal with a low necked blouse was serving. My husband lost track seeing her and asked me if I wanted to have coffee. We go to this same place every day have the same ritual. I as his wife know he lost his mind seeing her. After all this how to trust him with anything. I can't bear to see his reactions. What goes on in his dirty mind gets covered with his lies. It's sickening

He can stop doing that. Stop going to that restaurant. He can get out of the habit of gawking. He can stop this today. It is rude and disrespectful for him for GAWK like a pervert when he is a married man.

Melody lane. I can stop going I agree. But when I am not around how do I know h is not doing this. He has during our marriage gawked and openly flirted with ugly fat women. Not pretty but ugly women. But switched off with me. U r telling me he needs to do this I understand. But who will get into that head and make him see that. Now do u or me know if tha has indeed changed. Need that change within his heart. Not because I am watching him

The way you handle the polygraph is to get him to answer ALL of your questions BEFORE the polygraph. It is essential that you listen carefully or you will blow a major opportunity to get all the truth.

Write out a list of ALL of your questions and give it to him a few days before the test. Tell him you are giving him one last chance to come clean before the test. Let him know he MUST pass the test though. He will not know which questions will be on the test.

Write out all of your questions, such as:

write out the names, dates, places and circumstances of all women with whom you have an affair.

1. Name:
2. Dates
3. location<s>
4. where did you meet
5. Describe the circumstances of your affair: _________________
_________________
_________________
_________________

6. how did it end
7. when was the last time you had any contact whatsoever with this person?

You get the idea. Write out as many questions as you have but don't ask crazy questions like "why did you do this to your wife?'

That is not what I said. I said HE stops going there. You both stop going.


You can go with him and watch to make sure he does not do it.

Don't go to places where there are lots of temptations for him. Mark those off your list. And when he goes out, you go with him. You can hold him accountable!

Melody lane. I don't want a dog on a leash. I want a husband. This feels like a dog on leash.

I want to be able to trust him. Can u know what goes on his mind. All tht he has done was beyond what I had imagined ever.

Feelings are not truth. I want you to have a happy, romantic, integrated marriage.

And people in hell want ice water. You should have never trusted him in the first place. That is why you are in this horrible place.

I shouldn't have trusted him. But I did what a wife does. Trusts her husband. When I saw the alarm bells I repeatedly told him I knew he was lusting her or when he took five Vegas trips in two years. That it was whores. He still kept at it. What can I do. Walk away. Now I am wanting to cause I can't bear this anymore

Your husband is a serial cheater. If you want to have a safe marriage with him, you will have to resign yourself to the fact that you need to be with him 24/7. That means you go to work together every day and you don't spend the nights apart again.

You can no longer have separate lives. You must create a completely integrated lifestyle if you expect to recover. If you won't do that, then you are wasting your time.

Living like that is not being a "dog on leash" unless you consider being around you to be a prison sentence. If being with you is a prison sentence then that speaks to a marriage problem that needs to be overcome.

Have you learned your lesson?

He has zero ability to tolerate my this phase when I feel down and upset. Says stop this mockery to which I cursed him. Off. Says I have been cursing him. I asked howwwwwww. He actually says cause u call me a liar and I am no longer a liar. So now I can't call him a liar. I don't think I want to work this.

Do you think that will make you more attractive to him?

No. But. What do I do. It's like I have no right to show him how I feel

Right now after thirteen years of marriage I was not attractive. Why I will be now. So why do I try melody. Why should I try. Isn't it his turn to make him more attractive to me. Why should I even try

I thought you wanted him to be attracted to you? Didn't you tell me this?

MrsG, you must stop fighting with him now. This will not work if you don't stop it. GEt all of your answers about the affair and then have him take the polygraph. After that, the affairs should not be brought up again.

But you have to stop fighting.

Mrs. gkumars Wife,

Just so you comprehend, this Marriage Builders program CAN work for the two of you to create a fully integrated and romantic, yet transparent affair proof marriage.

But,.....

You have a seemingly lifelong lying and manipulative serial cheating husband to attempt to reconcile with.

The truth is, that even the Wayward Spouses who previously had high standards and morals get so caught up in the narcissistic fantasy of an affair, that even in the best of circumstances, it is a long arduous task to attempt to reel the wayward spouse back in.

Your situation, with not only the abhorrent affairs, but the added on liabilities of porn usage and prostitutes complicate the situation even more.

For any successful reconciliation to achieve the desired type of marriage lifestyle that is promoted on this site, your husband will have to eventually follow ALL of the suggestions contained and spelled out precisely following Dr. Harleys proven techniques and relayed by the knowledgeable veteran posters her, your husband should willingly jump through any hoops suggested.

HE IS NOT AT THAT POINT YET..... OBVIOUSLY.

But, if you are willing to follow the suggestions made to You directly, you can logically determine how long, or even IF you want to try to give this program a go, just to know you tried everything possible.

If his attitude and behavior does not demonstrably change for the better, you will certainly be given loving and caring guidance on how to maintain or reestablish your own sense of self esteem and emotional sanity.

Today and for the near forthcoming future, your wounds and trauma are way too devastatingly fresh to make a lifetime decision for good, so let the veteran posters guide you to achieving less emotional upheaval, so that a proper and logical decision can be arrived at by you, for you.

Please realize that you are a worthwhile person and deserve your dignity to be restored, regardless of the person you are married to.

It is confusing as all Heck and dizzying and painful, almost like having an out of body experience, not believing that this actually could be happening to you.

We understand!!!

LTL

Melody I M not fighting. But when he gets upset because I am upset doesn't help me. Then blames me if I bring anything up. He calls it the past. But this is my whole life. How will I not bring it up. His lies and manipulation sir not limited to a whore or an escort it's in business in relations. Every aspect. I want robe attractive but not at. Price of not showing the real me and faking it.
Learned toolate@ I am eager to hear everything u suggest. Pls help me. Yes it feels like this can't be happening to me. We were near the society an extremely lucky couple. But that was so fake. Cause I don't even have a half way average marriage. It's all a lie

MrsG, you should get all of the truth out about the affair, get him to pass a polygraph and never bring it up again. Bringing it up over and over again will make you sick and will keep you both miserable. It will feel fake at first but that is ok.

Why not start typing your questions out on a piece of paper for him to answer as I suggested above?

Have him answer. Then give same to polygraph ? I will do that.

Did you read my previous post about this?

Yes. But was confused hence asked again

Oh good!

Thanks for your response.

What can I do to make this work. What do I do. Few days I feel better then few days later I am a wreck and can't stop crying or even functioning. I can barely sleep. My husband thinks he is trying but I don't feel it. Somedays I wish I was dead. I talk to god to take me away from this pain because I can't bear it. Somedays I am fine. I hate this roller coaster ride.

Start by affair proofing your marriage by creating an integrated lifestyle where he can't cheat. Start there and then you go onto recovery. Follow the program outlined in Surviivng an Affair.

From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67

The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.


Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.

Gawking and the porn addiction are interrelated. Men find it easier to meet SF needs visually than women do. It is actually a pathetic substitution, because fulfilling SF only comes through a committed marriage with a loving wife. It is like passing on gourmet food in order to stuff yourself with fast food, simply because you are too lazy and impatient to do what it takes to get to the good stuff.

Your marriage recovery will take time. Change does not happen over night, but with extraordinary precautions, your marriage will be protected so that you will never have to endure this pain again. You must be together all of the time. Certainly never spend a night apart again. The two of you will need to brainstorm together for all of the ways that you must now protect your marriage (we can help you with that).

No, we cannot know what goes on in each other's minds, but EP's (extraordinary precautions) will keep you safe.

This does not equate to having a dog on a leash. At first it will feel odd, but then you will find that you LIKE living a fully integrated life together.

No, we should never trust our spouse. Dr. Harley says that all of us are wired to have affairs, so all of us should have been taking great pains to protect our marriage all along.

Yes, you certainly have the right to walk away. No one would blame you.

However, if you WANT to recover your marriage, we can help you. It starts with building protection around your life so that you will be safe from this ever happening again.

Right NOW he may not have the ability to help you through this pain. But if the two of you will learn to work the marriage builder program, you will soon be able to go to him when you are sad�and you will not bring up the past! YET, he will want to give you re-assurance and he will be able to meet your need for some affection so that you will feel better in the moment. Does that make sense?

Do you see how cursing him and calling him a liar is not going to help you to get what you need?

So far, your husband has not been safe to tell you the truth, but that is changing. He WANTS to stop this disease, with you! So you cannot beat him over the head for giving you the truth.

Once you have gotten the polygraph, then this all will be your past. Then if you choose to stay together, it is on to your Present and your FUTURE!

Other Woman

My husband says that I abuse him curse him in fights. It's true. But most of the times it's him who starts yelling and screaming on me. Yesterday I called him an [censored] because when I said nothing to him he said u curse me. When I asked him how did I curse u he says u call me a liar. Is liar a curse. In his situation it's a name for his personality. To cover a lie he will stand his ground and if need be physically hurt me too. I then loose it and curse him and he doesn't step back. He curses me too. For thirteen years his parents have demeaned me. NOT once. and I don't say this lightly NOT once have I answered back or been rude. Today I feel very short changed in this. He has never been a man enough to stand the ground specifically for me. They r even mean to him but he has been a good son. Not realizes that giving in on wrong things only fueled them to be more and more evil. They have humiliated my entire family and me repeatedly. Going to lengths of saying to my husband that all the time u have ur head stuck in her skirt. Who even talks like that. It's disgusting. My husband now feels offended if I point out how I have felt about them. They have demanded money jewelry and everything I have saved. Now my husband feels bad if I bring this up not appreciating that for so many long years I stood by him like a pillar of strength. He says all his efforts go waste. That's a LIE again. He has barely made any efforts to do anything out of the ordinary to make me feel special. Even after I came back I had to ask him to arrange a dinner out to which he says yes but doesn't. Until I remind him again. And then it's like u r forcing him to. My husband will be alone at home without kids but I will have to initiate to have sex with me And that is how it has usually been. I don't initiate it anymore but I did after all this nonsense. I have to ask him to go buy me flowers but he knew on his dinner dates with his keep that he should take her bouquets. Something he has never do e for me in twenty years of knowing him. He states he is trying , and I need to know how is he trying. What is he doing to even try ????!!!?? My heart wants this to work out but my brain is telling me to stop hoping. My husband is a kind of personality who will go to ridiculous levels to have what he wants whether right or wrong and he always has it his way. And I am tired. Today when he wants to take me out it doesn't mean [censored] to me. Because it's clouded with days and days of me asking to be out in the nights while he prefered to be with his alcoholic friends or his keep. U guys suggest that I should keep him on a leash. Have dine all that. When I caught him Smsing her in the nights he used to keep his cell outside the bedroom and sleep or even after porn usage he would not take the fone in the bathroom. Then he would wait till I left work. She had a different number. Something used for him. He on his vacation with me in December didn't have a cell fine. Told me every am was going to the gym but used outside fones to reach her. He used the chauffeurs fone to call her. Am I to be with him twenty fours even. When he says to me I am on his neck all the time and because of this the fights have happened. He used to step out in the Caribbean a mile away with his friends for a poker nt. not even a mile away from me. Between his poker sessions told his friends he is visiting the restroom. Would go for a quickie to his keep and be back. How can I stop this. Can I follow him into the restroom. He has lied to me every step of the way. Says hasn't swindled money. If u steal money frommy business's to give it under the table to employees. Isn't that swindling of money. His moves are always to make him. Look like a stud and no he hasn't worked one nice to make me feel any special at all. Nothingggg.

My husband brings her panties home which are still in th pocket of his suit on valentines day. My husband who I heard tell his friend AFTER I had found out about all this in a caustic way that my wife is asking me if I have kids anywhere else yes I do have many kids in Vegas. This is my husbands sense of homur. Please do ask him any of u that did he to my face flirt with women. Women that we interacted with on everyday basis. Did I not ask him to stop. He has just refused me on all the dam aspects of life. And I can't stop seeing all that. He calls this the past repeatedly. And with the hope that the future is different wants me to base my present on what he the biggest liar of my life suggest what my future will be like. In so many years my husband has never made efforts to do anything for me never done any gestures that make me feel special. Nothing. Today they mean nothing to me All I can think of how he went out of the way to buy her [censored] because he understood her hints. And he somehow didn't get it when I begged him to take me out for dinner !!!!!!!!

In my husbands post. He states he got tempted and he strayed. Was this once. Did he get tempted once. No. He did this for years repeatedly. As a way of life as a lifestyle. Meticulously planned. How is that being strayed. Didn't stop till I didn't look for proofs. Did not stop when caught and because he would delete the SMS or delete history he was at it. Do u guys call that being strayed. Or a serial liar. Would someone who loved u called u a prostitute. He talks about my foul language and can't bear to be called a liar but I have heard worse If I was a prostitute I would be doing men all over like him doing women all over. He has bragged to my cousin who is his friend how he has done his keep in her [censored] at two am on the beach. Before I got married to my husband I used to tell him I wanted to make love to him under the stars on a beach. My husband would not even walk down the beach with me in so many years because he said he didn't like the sand in his feet. Today he has described how he had anal sex with her on the beach. I feel shattered to see and hear all this. He has broken me into pieces and then said he has loved me.

My husband used hard cash from the business for his escorts. Because I trusted he would not misuse the money for any reason I never checked his pockets before a business trip. He would be doing four hundred dollar hookers every night. So is that swindling of money or not

Can you follow this plan?

Gkumar cannot change his past, no matter what you say today.

Everyone told me the same thing that I am telling you. They were right. Unfortunately, we WANT to react in extreme anger. We WANT to rage over this horrible injustice. But those actions will not accomplish anything except to teach our spouse that they will get punished for (finally) telling us the truth.

It isn't fair.

But we cannot help you by trying to make things fair. We CAN help you by talking with you both and guiding you to learn to stop beating each other up with your words and actions, and then to learn to build a new passionate marriage. We can help you to learn to make your Present and your Future fair!

Is he STILL lying? Today has he lied?

What do you mean by physically hurting you if need be?

He denies this but I was told he bragged how he has done a Japanese hooker for twenty five hundred for one round with her. Obviously my husband denies and sates had just discussed such a thing and massage park ours exist. In thirteen years of marriage I have never travelled anywhere to see places on a vacation. NEVER has he planned a trip for me. But he has had plenty opportunities to see fun places and do fun things. I feel I have got nothing just nothing in this marriage while I do his laundry wash dishes take care of the kids and cook his food and thn go to work he has had a very easy life with luxuries. His decisions have taken us in the ground financially yet he has spent thousands of dollars on his keep on himself knowing it has taken us in a hole. Planned a exotic vacation just two months back with her Why did he not ever think of spending this time and money for me or on me

How do I know today has he lied. Yes he has lied in his post on his forum. As usual very smart with his words. Makes it sound like he sits down and hears me curse. No. It's not the truth. He sits across my face and still lies about things he has arranged with employees. When caught manipulated the words to make it sound like he doesn't remember or didn't understand. Or just behaves dumb. He lies to my face.

All these incidents is swindling of money. How else did he manage to do this. Telling me we have a no amount while he was takin the balance to buy her gifts. Giving her thousands of dollars worth of gifts isn't that swindling money

YEP!

That is exactly what you do!

Go into the men's restroom with him when you are out. And go into the bathroom with him in your own home.

You handle any cash. If your husband doesn't have cash, then he cannot pay for a hooker, can he?

If you and he agree that you will do ANYTHING to help him to end his addiction, then you will have to think of things like this!

He had everyone everyone convinced even my own brother thought it was my imagination. No one understood me because my husband is very smart with his language. Very sly and lies like a pro. He would make u feel like u r the one. He would look me in the eye and tell me baby u know I love u I will never cheat on u. And then goto work and smooch her ten minutes later. Years of lies pears of deceit. He calls this the past. But this is my whole life

Blind sighted. U know what u suggest to me is just not possible. I cannot be with him all twenty four hours. I have kids and a house to run. And he abused every minute of when I turned and left

Mrs. Gkumar,

You have a decision to make.

Are you going to leave your marriage? Leaving would be totally justified, and this forum would support you completely in this decision.

Or, are you choosing to stay? If you choose to stay and try to recover your marriage with your husband, the path is very narrow. Very few marriages recover from infidelity, but it can be done. Those posting to you have recovered marriages. Please listen to the guidance you are getting.

If you decide to recover, the first thing that must be accomplished is to eliminate your anger and disrespect.

Hey, we get it. Of course, you feel terribly angry about the betrayal of the very person who promised to care for you. But the anger and disrespect will not solve your problems. Dr. Harley has said on his radio show how incredibly disrespectful betrayed spouses often are to their wayward spouse. Yes, it's true. And I was also very angry and disrespectful toward my H who decided he wanted to recover our marriage after his affair.

Anger and disrespect will only serve to push your H away and make you feel worse. You might feel better in the short term by punishing your H in this way, but in the long term, the anger and disrespect will not make you feel any better about yourself, your marriage, or your life.

Can you eliminate your anger and disrespect and operate from a position of logic, rather than emotion?

Because this is the first thing that will have to happen if you want to proceed with recovery.

You should consider going to your doctor and getting on anti-depressants while you are going through this terribly stressful time. They will help a great deal by evening out your emotions.

His friends are all cheaters and he would play this poker with me. Would actually come and tell me about their affairs. Then add that he is telling me because he is not like that and has nothing to hide from me n he would fight me cats and dogs to go out alone with these guys and all what these men discussed was who cheated where and how. He has fought me for years to be with these friends of his. And I repeatedly told him that u will become like the company u keep. Only to know he was the head honcho of this group.

Which path do you want to follow, Mrs.G? Do you want to recover with him? Do you want to divorce?

If you want to recover, can you follow the plan melody posted above?

Are you reading any of the posts?

Your marriage was terrible and your H was a liar and, naturally, hung out with similar people.

But if you are going to recover, you will need to start focusing on the present and the future, not the past.

I don't want to work this out. But I am scared to walk out of this alone now. I am gathering guts to do this. He is a good father and my kids will miss him terribly and hence for the sake of my kids sometimes I feel I need to work this out. But when all these realities come to me I feel sickened. I have not been able to make a decision at this point of time. He has asked me to wait till fifth of July as we had this discussion on 5th June to wait another month and try. But he feels I am not trying. He doesn't understand what it takes for me to try and I know deep down I have tried.

Yes I am following melody plan page 67 68

You do not have to recover with him if you do not want to. No one will blame you. Recovery is not easy. If you choose that path, both of you are going to have to follow some strict rules. The ranting you have been doing today will have to cease. Extraordinary precautions will need to be in place. You will need to spend a minimum of 25 hours alone together every week meeting each other's emotional needs. All love busters will have to be eliminated. Are these things you are willing to do?

If you are not wanting to do those things to recover, it would be better for your kids if you separate. Living in a home with fighting parents is not good for them.

I was always willing for this time alone. He wasn't. If we went out he would eat his dinner without speaking to me in his thoughts. In the movies goto sleep. At home to tired and irritated to talk. Is this the alone time u r referring to.

But are you willing today? Is he willing today?

I am willing today. But I have no clue if he is willing. He may say he is willing but when he pretends to be interested it sucks.

I feel he is working this out just so the business doesn't get hurt. His credibility gets on the line once I leave as we have made our business as a team. He loves his daughter and can't see her go with me and hence is trying to save us. Whether he is trying to save this for me is my question

No, the time is to be spent meeting each other's emotional needs. That can't be done while asleep, and it can't be done while feeling so tired that you can't be attractive. The time is called "undivided attention" time, so his attention needs to be on YOU for that time. He'll need to meet your emotional need for conversation, and we have a guide here on this site to help him learn to do that. The conversation will have to be balanced between both of you, so he can't be silent the whole time, and the conversation is to be used to investigate, explore, and understand each other.

The question I would ask is, is he willing to follow the plan wholeheartedly. When we point out where his following the plan is deficient, is he willing to correct the mistakes. For example, when we point out he needs to be giving you fifteen hours of his undivided attention every week, and he is not doing that, does he respond by taking steps to make sure he is awake and talking to you and paying attention to you during that time. That would be one of many examples. I hope he is reading.

the time that we are referring to is called UA time�undivided attention time.

You can see what we mean by reading here (it would be GREAT if the two of you could sit down with a cup of tea and take turns reading it out loud together�that could be your first bit of UA time!). The Policy of Undivided Attention

I think that it was very smart that you decided to wait to make a decision until July 5th. When I was in a similar position, I told my husband that I could promise him one more day. I had a string of one more days, and then it went to one more week, and month. Now I am at one more year.

BUT during that time, you need to WORK on your marriage. Punishing each other by getting into screaming matches is not working on your marriage. It is destroying it further. That screaming is called angry outbursts, and it is a love buster. Until you can stop that totally, you two are not even at ground zero for beginning recovery. Read HERE about LoveBusters

You will need to watch his actions to see if he is sincere, not his words.

Do you own Surviving An Affair?

We are not in any screaming matches now. We r in silence where he is in his space and me in mine. I don't own surging affair book. Marco my husband is on his own thread in the recovery forum under the name of gkumar. I believe he is not reading my posts as he is not a reader as such.

Marcos whether my husband is willing to do all of this he is the best judge. I am definitely not begging him for another minute or asking him to make more effort. I have said all of this and more a hundred million times. My idea of our alone time is alone time. Not when we watch a movie or when he is staring at his plate or he is discussing business with me. None of that.

When this keep was in the store my husband had a sense of ho our was upbeat and happy. Since she has left my husband is quiet and secluded. Needless to say he will say this is my imagination but I know he is different now. He weeps and says is sad with his past. The way I see it he can't handle the pain of loosing her. He wants to eat the cake and have it too.

After I had left my husband even said to me that he has a corner in his heart for her and that he felt she had true genuine feelings for him. I made him call his keep and tell her that he is coming to her in California for ever and has given up his business to me so he can be with her. He asked his keep to book his ticket and she refused. Said didn't have the money to book his ticket. I think that made him see that she was a gold digger but I feel he has genuine feelings for her. His keep messages him saying thathe can continue ue living a lie and paint pretty pictures of his marriage that do t exist. He had demeaned our marriage near her and told her he was living in hell. After so much how do I trust this man ever agai.

Please get Surviving An Affair and start reading it together.

I had gotten books downloaded a book on my husbands ipad kindle two months back asking him to read. He didn't. Got him a book the power of the subconscious mind. To make him show that u will become like your friends if that is what u hear and talk all day. Instead he used it to his advantage. Used it to be stronger in his lies. Will he read this book if I got it. It will probably sit in one corner of his bathroom .......

If you will not get it and read it, then I suggest you separate and prepare for a divorce. A divorce will be a rose garden compared to the hell you are headed for.

I've been in your shoes. My ExH refused to do anything about HIS massive problem with porn and other behaviors related to serial cheating. Whether your H is the same way or not, remains to be seen.

It is time for YOU to take care of you and the situation you are in!!

That means reading "Surviving an Affair" and working the checklist that was posted for you on here.

You need to know what REAL Recovery looks like. It is found on that checklist. Too many BS's do things that lead to false recovery or end up in terrible long-term, emotional shape and I don't want that to happen to you.

Don't prolong your pain. Work that checklist and take control of your life. You are worth it!

Trust me, none of this is about you. His problems likely pre-date ever meeting you. And had he been Married to someone else, instead of you, he'd be pulling the same thing.

He's got a whole lot of work to do - And so do you.

Great big virtual hugs to you!

The point is for YOU to get the book and read it and find out what YOU need to do to protect yourself against his failure. IF he reads the book that is great - you guys can follow the procedure and recover! But if he will not read the book or will not follow the plan that is in it, the book will tell YOU what you need to do to protect yourself from him and to recover.

Absolutely! Just cut your losses now if you are not going to prepare. See an attorney today and ask how to get the quickest divorce possible.

If he is not willing to put forth effort (such as reading), then trying to recover your marriage with him is a tremendous risk and danger to you. He is not worth the effort. See an attorney and file for divorce, and don't even talk to him again. Let him know that if he wants to stop the divorce, he can do so by learning and following this program, instead of claiming that he's just not the kind of person who reads such things.

YOU need to find out, though, because you need to make your plan for what YOU are going to do. You need a plan that keeps you safe if he does not put forth the tremendous effort needed for recovery.


Why are you telling me that? I already said that won't work. Tell HIM that. Tell him that if he won't give you the alone time you need, the way you need it, you are going to divorce him.

I am considering divorce and moving back to my parents in another country. So that way my kids don't have to see him and feel this roller coaster. I am trying this just approx another month. But everyday seems a drag. I think I hv made up my mind and I can't force him to love me the way I had loved him. My brain screams loud and clear that I am asking for a miracle that does not exist.

But yet again I am going to give this the fifth of July to decide what I want to do

I am ordering the book now from amazon

Done ordered it. I will read this book

He can follow this program whether he is sad or not. He will need to SHUT UP about how sad he feels and start making up to you for how sad he has made you.

Let him know that if he wants to keep you, he has a chance to make it up to you. It will involve following all these steps, including the undivided attention time (correctly followed - not falling asleep or tired or silent). He can decide to meet your emotional needs despite his feelings, or he can yammer about his feelings being bad so he's not going to do it. If he gives such excuses it will drive you nuts, so you will need to go to Dr. Harley's Plan B so you don't hear such crap. If he's not going to do it, you don't need to hear his reasons or debate them. All that matters is he's not going to do it, in which case you need to get away from him.

Great! Glad you ordered the book. Since you are giving it until July 5th, you now have a focus. And so does he.

Time for both of you to jump on board with both feet and see how it goes. This is much better than watching things spin completely out of control with no direction.

This.

Tell him this is the conditions under which you will revocver the marraige. He is either willing to follow them ALONG WITH YOU (you will also follow the conditions) or you will not try to recover the marriage. No debate, its all or nothing. You make it clear to him, if his actions aren't in agreement with the MB plan then he will get no chances and you will leave immediately.

Take control of your life and this situation and don't allow him to dictate anything. It's ultimately your chocie what you do and he has his choice. You cannot control his actions but you can control yours.

I am very confused about this. I can't make up my mind if I want this lying scumbag as my husband. He has gone to ridiculous levels to lie and I am deeply sickened and hurt. And he doesn't seem to get me even now

I would counsel that you not do anything in a rush. You lose nothing significant by waiting a month to see if his actions follow the words. Give him a chance to show that he has changed. Do not dwell on the past but carefully observe the present. That will tell you whether this is worth a try or not.

This morning he gave me some more details about his affair which I thought I knew he always aid he had come clean I guess not. More details every time we talk. He won't even look me in the eye and speak the truth but looks into my eyes and lies. I find this pathetic. At least when u r consoling me or claiming u r look me in my face and speak to me. Not look in some random direction and speak. He just doesn't get me what upsets me. Or what doesn't After soooooo many years can't even tell what works for me. His ways of consoling are just rude. Like he is demanding. He focuses on how he is feeling this and how much he regrets this on how much he wants the kids. Where am I in this. Where is me in this. I am just so sick. My head hurts my chest hurts. I feel like a pain all over me

Most of us have been where you are. Please believe me when I say you will feel better in a year whether you save your marriage or not. Be still and be calm now. Listen to your inner voice. Observe everything. The answer will come to you.

During one of our arguments I told him like he slept around with so many escorts and whores me sleeping around would give me peace. Knowing that he knows now I will have another man in my bed will give me peace. He has asked me to leave. Says won't allow that and asked me to leave. So I will be leaving. He has no desire to work this out and acts aggregated. Not kind but very rude. His selfishness has consumed my life I feel like I am dead within. Like I don't have any will to live.

I like writing on this forum because u don't know me and being faceless is helping me. Not being judged later. I wish I could just go to sleep for a long time may be months on end And then I know he can't hurt me again. And I don't have to be with those feelings or any feelings for this matter because then I can't think or have these thoughts. My kids are two beautiful angels. They don't know anything about this. Juts my daughter knows that my husband has someone else. She has seen him pinning me down when I had his phone. I wish he had understood anything. Wish he had shown me this phase sooner so we would not hv kids. I lost a set of twins before my two kids. May be god was stopping me from having kids. Telling me not to have them because of this. Yet I wanted kids. He spoke of having a third kid with me. Always. Even when he had her. He wanted me to get pregnant. I wish this was a bad dream

He probably wants to save this because of a fear of change. He fears change always. He told me he had sex with her because it had fizzled out with me.

Please never consider taking another man to your bed to whom you are not married. This will not give you peace nor will it make you feel any better about yourself.

Believe me, when I first discovered my H's affair, that's what I wanted, too. I wanted a man who would LOVE me! But, thinking logically, I knew I wanted a man who actually truly LOVED me, not just someone in my bed. That would have made me feel like trash, not someone's beloved. Also, I knew I didn't want a man who would sleep with a married woman anyway. And, when you stop and consider it logically, neither do you!

You would serve your children best by telling them what's going on. They already know something is going on. Your marriage affects them both, and if they don't know, they will make up something. They don't need to know all the gory gross details, but they ought to know that their father has had other women in his life and that married people should never do that.

Please consider going to your doctor and getting on ADs. Please...you will be helped a great deal by the evening out of your emotions in the short-term.

Yes, it will take a while for each of you to learn what really works to make each other truly feel loved.

I agree that it is shocking when you realize that after so many years, your spouse doesn't KNOW what to do. All of that realization is tough to take, we remember.

If you decide to work the program, you will eventually learn to meet each other's needs in the way that you both like them to be met. Dr. Harley guarantees it!

Oh my, we do know how awful it feels. I am so sorry for the pain that you are going through. Dr. Harley has said that the pain inflicted by an affair is more painful than losing a child, and more painful than being gang raped.

Someone back on my own D-Day told me that the pain is a physical reaction to emotional trauma. Maybe. But in any case, once I found marriage builders, people told me over and over that it is best to not ever make emotional decisions.

They were RIGHT. Acting on emotions is never going to get us what we desire. Acting logically, with a plan (like Marriage Builders!) is a much better bet.

GOOD for your husband that he says he won't allow that! The idea here is to BUILD your marriage (if you both choose to stay and work your butts off), not to demolish it. Your husband was giving you TRUE information. Did he really though, ask you then to leave?

We get it. The pain is SO bad that you start to think of anything�.anything�to take it away.

But you do know that this won't help, right? It WON'T HELP because the only thing worse (to me) than our spouse's demeaning us�is if we purposely demean ourselves.

By threatening your husband that you would do the same, I get that you were trying to force him to feel your pain�.to have empathy for you for what you are going through. But it never works when we try to educate our spouses, sorry to say.

If he starts to work this program, he WILL gain empathy for you. And if you two work hard and learn to stop beating each other up, then you WILL learn to meet each other's emotional needs.

When you ordered Surviving an Affair, did you order a physical book or a download? If you didn't order a download, I would suggest that you do that now, and that you two start reading.

You know two wrongs don't make a right, correct?

You aren't going to have an affair, correct?

Today he gave me a different scenario to how his affair began. Last time was different from this times. New details today. I don't know what else he is hiding about her. He knows a lot of her personal details. That he had seen her all drunk with two men. Says she is a nymphomaniac and he found it so easy. Tht it had fizzled out with me. That's why he went for her. He kept at it even when I walked out on him. He told her all along he had loved her. He knew she was a gold digger a nymph sleeping left right and center with men for a free drink yet he went for her over me. Makes me feel like the ugliest trash. He knew he knew what she is yet he gave up me and the kids for her. Preponed his vacation. Spent eight hundred to just prepone for three days with her. I just feel sick. Yes I want to sleep with anyone now in my bed but him. Because I need him to see what it feels to have someone who is so used. My husband says she is American. We are Indians. Are all American women like that. No. It's not true. I know of people who r like me. Who haven't cheated. He says it like it's the nationality is all like that. That all women from California screw around. No they don't. Is there any law where in I can expose his keep in her current job. I am the director of this company. Can I expose her character to her new job ? Today after I brought up the escort subject ie let me bring someone home in ur bed. He said no and said its best if I leave. So I might as well leave. I am tired of his half hearted attempts. He wants me to switch off and on like a bulb. If he spoke now I should feel better the next second and be normal and happy there on.

He probably also wants this do e and over with but wants to have that right to say that he tried so he says he is trying yet he isn't All he is saying that he won't do it. Yet I have no guarantee if he will. I have asked for a post nuptial agreement. Says he never felt bad or thought of me while going to escorts. It's sickening.

I don't even know what have I done to get this. I did not wrong him in anyway. So why did he do this to me He makes me feel like I am ugly. The ugliest person

He asked me to stop this mockery. What is the mockery in this. What have I done to make this a mockery. No one gets it.

He tells me now curse me curse me. Like he is mocking me.

He wants me to get all upset and mad and then curse him. He wants that so he has so etching to throw on me.

He has a new addition to his Story. I do t even know what else is hiding in there.

He added this was my first affair and got caught. Almost like he had a regret.

But I doubt this was his first.

You don't want to give him a polygraph?

Are you going to see your doctor about getting on ADs?

If you don't want to recover your marriage, you have our full support.

If you DO want to recover your marriage, you have to stop the anger. Set up a polygraph test so you can get the truth.

(Of course, all American women don't sleep around, no matter where they live. Many women of all nationalities are creeps and many are not. The nationality doesn't change that.)

I know that all women are not like that. I know that it's my husband who sat like a hyena planned every move and attacked. If he wasn't that way he would not goto escorts prostitures during our marraige. Not be masturbating right next to me in the bed while I was there for him and yet refuse to touch me. I wanted to have him touch me yet he says it had fizzled out needed the new excitement. Don't I get bored then. He wasn't even trying anything for me. He never did. But I did not know any better. How do I stop with these thoughts. I would love to. No I don't hv anti depressants yet. I will get them. I need them. I can't stop crying. I am just tired of my own thoughts. I keep imagining scene by scene of how he touched her how he moved with her everything and it just doesn't stop. He has never shown me those gestures he showed her. Never gotten dressed and planned a date for me and given me flowers. Or preponed one of his trips and gotten back home sooner. Never waken up at two am to have sex with me none of that , that he has had with her. What is the guarantee that he won't do this. He is already so bored and not excited of being with me in just thirteen years. Marriages last fifty sixty years. Nouns hasn't even started and yet it all finished. Because he was tired in less than ten years of being married to me. I am just too annoyed with myself to have believed that people r faithful. I was so stupid.

He told me they flirted when I wasn't there. Flirting is two ways. If he had stopped and not acted like a unfaithful dog lapping attention from a two dollar whore we would not be here. I would be happy. We could have had a life. He took her out for dinner two nights after I left. Gave her diamond studs even before getting into her bed. And then he says it was just for fun. Has sold my jewelry never to replace it yet he thought of diamond studs for her. Within two days of me leaving.

Yes, the ADs will help you a great deal. They will help even out your emotions and think logically. Right now, understandably, you are very very emotional and hurting.

And your mind is going over and over the horrible thoughts. The ADs will help you with this, too.

The only way to get past this is to either choose to leave and end all communication with your spouse OR read Surviving an Affair and follow every single step.

Either decision will require you to control your anger and disrespect. I guarantee that you will never be happy if the anger continues. Anger guarantees that you will not be able to solve your problems. And it's impossible to be happy and angry simultaneously.

You were, are not, stupid. Your H was. His adultery and horrible behavior is not a reflection on you.

He says this was mutual. She is a gold digger. Of course she will be thinking she hit a home run. Imagine a man buying u diamonds when there is nothing going on. What does that say. He has never gone beyond free of cost words and false promises for me. With her it was nights after nights planned activity with romance laced with it.

Gkumarswife,

If you want to have any hope at all, you really MUST stop going on and on about all the horrible stuff he did and focus:

Go to your doctor and get on a prescription for ADs. How soon can you do this? Can you go today?

I don't know any drs here I am home and can't go today as neither do I have a dr nor do I have ways to commute.

Do have a way to find a doctor? Can a friend take you to the visit?

Until then, can you go and get some exercise, such as a walk or a run? Exercise can help lift your spirits. Are you able to eat? Do you have any friends or family for support?

I eat dinners. I don't feel like eating otherwise during the days. My head hurts a lot. I am very lethargic and bathe once in the evenings. I haven't cooked and have no desire to do anything for the kids. Just boxed food. I just feel too tired to do anything My family knows but I don't like to share anything with my parents they r old and it bothers their health. I have no one here with who I share this. I share with a friend or two. But just on and off. No one that knows my daily life

I feel nauseous and sick all day. Like I was going to throw up. But I don't throw up

Can you find a doctor who is in your area that will help you? Do you have a friend who can take you?

No

Do you live in an area where there are no doctors?

I don't know anyone here. I don't have any clue where to find one here. I have gotten here just a month back and have no idea where to find a dr

Is there a neighbor close by you could ask for some help in finding a doctor? Is there a church?

How is your husband acting with you right now?

My husband is at work I am home. He left after we argued. I asked him to get me escort man for me so I could get even. He said its best if I leave. I agreed and asked my Tim be booked he agreed And he has left. I have asked him to book me since he has maxed all my credit cards and has plenty available on his own credit cards. To book me and the kids. He hasn't read my msg or replied or called. I have no clue what he is doing or where he is

You are not still considering adultery yourself, are you? I hope not. It will not make you feel better or get even with your husband. It will only complicate things. Maintain your dignity and self-respect.

Where will you go?

No I won't. I don't even want to get close to any man now .....

gkumarswife, Do you want for your husband to be at work? Do you feel more comfortable when he is not at home?

If not, then call him and ask him to come home.

Ask him to come home and pick you up and take you to a walk-in medical clinic. That way you can get some anti-depressants.

If he or you do not know where to find one, you can use google by searching walk in clinic and your zip code to find one.

Googled. Didn't find any in the state of alaska

try this: Urgent Care Clinics Alaska

You have to go to the bottom and then click on the city that you are closest to.

Gkumarswife:

Can you take a few moments to consider your options?

If you leave, where will you go and how will you have money to support yourself?

Is there a place you have in mind where you could live with your children?

Do you have a job/can you get a job?

If you want to stay married or give your H a chance to recover your marriage with you, can you stop your anger and disrespect?

Can you use the help that Blindsighted gave you to find a doctor?

I have to leave now, but try and think about a plan, okay?

Urgent care is approx six miles from where I live. I can't get there until tomorrow. I will go back to India to my parents. My kids and me can live there and yes I can find a job. My brother will support me financially until I find a job.

Please try to get there tomorrow. Then you can start making decisions with a clear mind.

Yes ....I was reading my husbands forum. He was asked repeatedly if he has ordered the book to which he says I have ordered it and should be there tomorrow. I have ordered it but gets here after eight days. One of the members suggested he downloads the book to which he made lame excuses that how to. Here is an insight to my husband. He knows how to order escorts and prostitures online. Runs and manages four different businesses in three different countries. Is capable of deleting erasin messages downloading songs on iTunes magazines on his ipad but now says doesn't know how to download a book. He can log on every morning on multiple bank accounts and remember his keeps different telephone numbers ......Just a classic example of how he manipulates people to make them believe it's not him but the situation.

He waited till few of your forced him and spelled it out loud and clear that he should do this. He claims he will try his best. The least he can do is read this book. But no. He will sit back and wait for someone todo it for him. He pre tends and uses more effort pretending that he cares about this but truth of the matter is he cares about his needs and himself. He will probably read a page or two so he looks like he is trying and use it to his advantage. How he feels trauma discussing this. Cause that's what he tells me. It causes him trauma. !!!!!!!!!

No one here is going to be taken in by a facade. I promise you that there are posters here who can smell rotten wayward dung even if it is masqueraded as a million dollar ruby with a cascade of diamonds.

Mrs. Gkumar, I would like to ask a question of you. In the present. Okay?

Your husband started posting here on MB (Marriage Builders) on June 4th. He had some rough questions to get through, since he was dealing with long-time posters who see through every bit of BS.

He still dared to invite you here, even knowing that we would all point out the truth about your life (as the posters did with him).

Why do you think that he did that?

Blind sighted. I had introduced him to it. It wasn't the other way round.

okay, I apologize, I had not realized that. I have been staying away from new wayward threads because so many of them post and run once the posters here see through them.

So�did you kind of butt in and start posting (doesn't matter if that is what happened, we are happy that you did)?

Or did he suggest it?

He suggested. I first resisted then agreed

Now he regrets it as many encouraged me to leave

I am glad to hear that he suggested it to you. And I am so very happy that you did post.

I do not think that anyone would encourage you to leave. Go back through your thread and read your posts. Maybe I am wrong again!

You of course have the RIGHT to leave, and no one would fault you for your choice. Yes we all have said that. But no one here at MB would encourage leaving UNLESS you wish to leave.

Do you want to leave?

Here's the thing. I am here to tell you absolumently that you and he CAN make a brand new marriage and fall passionately in love with each other.

If you feel that you want to stay, we can guide you both. Him on his thread and you on yours.

BUT YOU BOTH have to be committed to the hardest work that you have ever imagined!

If you stay, we will help.

If you decide to leave, we will help. There are many long-time posters on here who did decide to leave, and yet they continue to post and help others, because they are fully recovered and happy in their present lives. They pay it forward now and help others. Same with recovered marriages�Marcos and Prisa are one. They now spend their time to help others (thank you God because they helped me a lot).

I will stay. And try. Just for a few days. I will give him a few days. If. to leave. All I get is false promises. He just talks and talks and there is nothing that he does to back those talks up. Nothing new. And I can't wait longer. This is my last few days with him. I will give this my last try. If he can make me feel different about this I will stay. But I won't live in hope of a change and stay with just hopes .....I don't know how but if he can make me feel differently now in few days versus what I have felt for months now it will work. So far he is being him. An escapist. If it concerned his own personal need he would have gone high and low but this is not about him. So he will find excuses to do anything. It's hard for me to explain in words but I can see thru his manipulation and sickeningly I let him get away.

And I also need to clarify that anytime that we see anything that shows that your husband is being less than honest with us or with you, YES we will encourage plan B immediately. At that point though, you will probably have learned so much from MB that we won't have to tell you.

Plus, I have only been here for a year�.there are others who have been here for ten years, and I absolutely guarantee you that those old-timers WILL descend like vultures to protect you faster than you can blink your eyes.

Thank u all for being there for me. Just not knowing me or who I am as a person yet spending time talking to me more than I have spoken to my closest friends. My husband has for years made me appear like a demon. All my friends and family carry preconceived notions about me. My employees do. Because my husband made it sound like I was a maniac

He did it in his own subtle ways. Using the right words yet made me look bad. Always was there to hand out the goodies but when it was time to discipline or get something corrected threw me in the front. I am just sick to my stomach what I have done to my life

GOOD! I am happy to hear it, because you need to get those anti-depressants pumping through you before you make any long term decisions.

Okay, so now for your trying�

Can you speak with your husband and in a kind voice, let him know that you are willing to keep trying?

You need to schedule the polygraph.
You need to read Surviving an Affair. Can YOU not just download it for yourself? I know you are waiting for your husband to pick up the torch and do something, but YOU need this also.

We see through a Waywards lies and half truths very clearly.

That is why he is being held accountable for his Actual ACTIONS, not just his words that say that he is going to be doing something.

You concentrate on YOU!!!

That is the ONLY person any of us actually have the power to change.

Just take this program One Day At A Time.

Now, YOU should attempt to eliminate any of Your Own ANGRY OUTBURSTS and other LOVE BUSTERS.

After you BOTH read through Surviving An Affair, the Love Busters book would be the immediate next one to read and absorb the contents of.

LTL

I will download it now. Thanks for the input. I will msg and agree to try for a few days. And yes I will get a dr appt for the ad. Will they make me gain more weight I am already in the heavier side

Oh Sweetie, they ALL did this!

Thank God you found it out, because NOW you can do something about it!

Waywards lie. I know how hurtful that it is, but it isn't him right this second, right?And (hopefully) it will never be him again.

I'm NOT making light of the hurt, but read this please: What is Gaslighting?

NO! Ask for Wellbutrin, and in fact it could make you LOSE weight! It is sometimes prescribed for people for just that purpose.

What about writing Dr. Harley?


Email your questions to Joyce Harley at mbradio@marriagebuilders.com. When your email question is chosen to be answered on the radio show, you will be notified by email directing you to listen to the rebroadcast. If you would like to consider being a caller, include your telephone number. You will be called by us to explain the procedure to you. Every caller will receive a complementary book by Dr. Harley that addresses their question.

I went to get ad. Had my husband drive me to juneau urgent care. When I got there she demanded an id. Without which they won't help me. And then she said no guarantee if I will even get an ad prescribed. Will get a dr appt tomorrow

And I have downloaded the book.

Oh my god can someone please send this link of gaslight ing to my husband I read three and stopped. Exactly freaking exactly of how he played me. Told me I was mad need a physiatrist. That I had a personality disorder. He requested me to check for bipolar. And yes he said am I not allowed to have friends this is he'll I am in , when I demanded his Caribbean fone handset said I was breathing on his neck. Absolute gas lighting to perfection. Told employees I will pay u more money do t tell my wife because she doesn't understand the business's. We r talking thousands of dollars here. Told them not to argue with me because I was unforgiving and had a bad temper. Wowwwwww. Could go on for ever. Can u one of you pls mention gas lighting to him

Blind sighted can u explain to my husband about gas lighting

GOOD for both of you that you did this Gkumarswife! GREAT JOB! You both worked together and tried to make your situation better.

Yes, in the US most places do demand an ID in order to prescribe anything. Do you have an ID?

If so, and if you are reading this by chance before you are back home, you can get your ID and go to an emergency room.

Will you do this?

Yes, we will certainly explain to your H about gas lighting.

But HE IS NOT DOING THIS NOW, and so if we explain right this second, it is not going to help your marriage.

You need to focus on what is right now, today. Your husband did come home and did take you to the clinic to try to get you help.

PLEASE can the two of you start reading the book, Surviving an Affair, that you downloaded?

I would suggest that you get the kids into bed together, and then you go into bed and begin reading Surviving an Affair together. Each of you read a page out loud and whenever one of you wants to stop to talk, you do it.

It took us WAY too long to get through that book when we were reading it, and we actually got chastised on our threads, but the reason that it took us sooooo long is that we stopped every few paragraphs and talked, talked talked about it.

I will write to dr Harley. Yes I will go with an iid tomorrow for meds. I have the book on my fone and have downloaded on his kindle. Now I hope he truly truly reads each word. That's up to him now. I told him this won't work if he Is going to flirt lech on another women behind my back or to my face. Says won't do it because it hurts me. I't hurts me that he won't do it because it hurts me. Would be nicer if he didn't do it because he lived me or said that it's not who he wants to be. I find this process of getting all wrong answers so exhausting. I pointed out to him. He felt I was dissecting his words. I a. Not. I just want to hear the right word for on e. Not hear it after I ask him to say it this way.

I need your views. Ur opinions. I and my husband just had an argument. We were very non communicative thru the evening had our dinner. Husband got bk at nine and by ten we were ready to out the kids to bed. We both sat and read saa separately on our own. My husband in the past has stolen money from business without my knowledge to finance his keeps gifts to give his whore and escorts the fees so I wondered where was he withdrawing the cash from for his daily expenses. I asked that and then added hope he is not swindling or stealing money from the business. To which he sounded upset. Said was very derogatory and insulting and decided to leave. And not talk about it further. I then insisted I need to know about it. And according to him which was wrong he as usuall used smart words and a calm tone and asked me to curse him. So I said u r doing this as usuall instigating me to get upset. By now I was yelling as he was walking away and says it was the past. But I need to know. I asked him what does he do in the mornings. Does he use money to call his keep or in the evenings after I leave work. Because that's wht they have do e in the past. I even added that I will add to the forum how he chose to escape and not answer my questions even though two hours back promised to take the blows. But now refuses to answer and leave. Calls my tone wrong first then says both the tone and subject is wrong. He said if I throw this question out to u all I will be told I am wrong. And I need to know asking him about how he is taking funds out is wrong ..... So far he had full access to all personal and business money. And he misused and swindled them. Stole them. I also added to expose this to his business associates. To which he refused. Since some r our vendors he added this could make them nervous. Was that not the clause in the book. Complete exposure. He doesn't want complete exposure. If I ask him is he still stealing money or what he does after I leave is he still in touch with her is that wrong. Pls give me ur views

He left me upset and did not choose to talk. This is what I mean when he just gives me false words and nothing beyond that.

Great! Getting to the doctor is most important today. Do you agree?

Have you started reading it? You both need to read it. What did you think of the first chapter?

Can you take some time and write out a list of every single question you have regarding the finances and your husband's illicit sexual activities? Write them all down. Take a couple of days to consider what you want to ask.

Then hand him the list of questions for him to answer. He must answer every single one. He can't use the excuse that it's in the past to refrain from answering. Every single question must be answered. He can write the responses down, so you don't forget them.

Then schedule a polygraph so you can verify his answers.

You should be allowed full technical access to all the business bank accounts and records for the rest of your lives together, so you can see for yourself what's going on.

Now....after all your questions are answered and the polygraph completed, you must never bring it up again. IF you decide to recover your marriage, bringing it up will only serve to bring the horrible past into the present. And the only way to get over your resentment is to make the present much much better than the past.

You simply must stop arguing and fighting with your husband. It will not solve your problems. Your anger, which is understandable, will only make your problems worse.

Even if you decide to leave your H, bringing up the past again and again will make you miserable and drive away your friends. Making your present great is the only way to overcome resentment, whether you recover your marriage or not.

Blindsighted's advice to you is perfect. Get yourself to the doctor today and get that prescription.

And start reading SAA together.

I have gotten past five chapters on the book

WOW WOW WOW!!!!

Was I wrong I. Questioning if he is still stealing that money. Was he wrong or right in walking away and asking me to curse him.

Like he said both my tone and my subject is wrong. Is he right in saying that

Your H needs to give you full access to all bank and business records and be completely transparent with you in all financial, and other, matters. In marriage, there is no place for secrecy.

Do you have full access yet?

If not, there's no point in asking him if he's stealing anything. Get full access and look at everything.

If your H doesn't like your tone, heed that and change your tone to a pleasant one.

The subject is fine. Everything in your lives should be an open book. But don't ASK him if he's stealing. Look at the records yourself.

My business involves a lot of cash. When the business day ends I am not at work. It is very easy for him to evade a bill or two. Show that the transaction never happened and pocket the cash. He has done this repeatedly for many years. So far I have never withdrawn cash even though I make same amt of money. I have simply gone and asked him for money and he hands me some He has never asked me for money. He picks it out of the cash register or accounts where ever he pleases from. Even now he has full access as business closes much after I leave work. And it's very very easy for him to simply rip a bill and show that never happened and pocket the money.

Then you and your H need to work out a way that can't happen again. Isn't someone responsible for reconciling the cash receipts at the end of the day?

In many businesses that are soundly run, the owners hire a payroll company and pay themselves that way, with a proper periodic paycheck and withholding.

The point of SAA is to change the way you both live your lives so an affair and dishonesty CAN'T happen again.

He is responsible in reconciling the receipts everyday. No one but him. How can I help that. Every other chore from cleaning to filing is others chore or mine. But yes handling money has always been his department. How much cash comes in and goes out he is the sole dictator

That will need to change.

All I can tell you is what SAA recommends, GKwife. You need to look at your marriage and your life and identify every single condition that has allowed your H to behave this way. And then each of those conditions must be changed so he can't do it anymore.

That's the answer.

Recovery is very hard work. It was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. Recovery requires that every single condition that allowed for his affairs, independent behavior, and dishonesty is eliminated. If he is unwilling to do that with you, then recovery won't be possible.

How willing is your H to change the way he conducts his personal life and his business?

If he is willing to be transparent in all things and change his business practices so that you are both happy with the arrangements, then recovery might have a chance.

^^^ This!

Just got back from the drs. Went with husband. Got prescribed acute depression. She said I scored high which sounded bad. Has prescribed Valium and webuttrin and also said Bo was 130by 190 which was high. He spoke to me this morning but did not clarify anything from last nt. I am too tired to ask. Then this am he decided to inform me not ask or suggest just inform me of how he had handled an employee situation. Did it exactly how we had planned NOT to handle the situation. Basically just did the opposite. I made him fix it but after an argument again. It's ridiculous that he claims will change and follow the rules but he keeps bending it every step of the way. Yet when I need to hear that he truly loves me he yells saying that he loves me. His tone states the exact opposite and words mean nothing. He has no empathy in his heart.

I'm glad you went to the doctor and will hopefully get some medical relief for your depression. The Wellbutrin usually takes a few days to start working. I don't know what you mean by Bo was 130by 190. Try and make sure you get a bit of exercise, maybe a walk. Also, be sure and eat some healthy food to keep you going.

Your husband has formed poor marital habits and has very independent behavior. The way to end IB is to follow the POJA for life. Has he agreed to the POJA for life? It's going to take a great deal of effort for him to change these habits, but it can be done. You will have to stop being angry, though. He will need to be completely transparent with you. And when he makes a mistake, which he will, it needs to be handled calmly and respectfully.

Obviously your H should not be yelling at you, ever, especially to say "I love you." When he does this, tell him calmly that it hurts you when he speaks to you this way.

POJA: Never do anything without the enthusiastic agreement of your spouse.

This includes his business. Has he agreed to be transparent with you and change all the conditions that have led to his dishonesty and his affairs?

He doesn't yell being angry. Just being frustrated I guess or I hope. I meant the blood pressure. Sorry I never check for typos The Bp was high.

Got prescribed bupropion and diazepam

BP, not Bo. Blood pressure.

Are you able to eliminate your anger and disrespect toward your H? If you can't, you are not going to start solving your marital problems. You will need to force yourself to stay very calm by taking deep breaths. You might need to leave the room until you calm down.

Your first order of business is to end your angry outbursts and disrespect. Do you understand how important this is?

YAY that you went to the doctor!

And whew that they found your high blood pressure. Do you need to go back for a re-check of that after the medicine kicks in?

Yes I do try to stay calm. But usually I almost feel like he is mocking me. He actually tells me to start cursing him. Until which I have not used foul language. And yes I have heard foul language from him for the last thirteen years. As a matter of fact I used to ask him to stop using foul language and when I could not get him to stop I joined the band wagon. It is just about now. Ie two weeks he hasn't cursed me or else I was called a whore if I actually called his keep a whore. He would random call me filthy names. Now he uses a different approach. Keeps calm refuses to answer straight and still tries using the same old tactic , manipulation with words. If I ask him a question he will never answer it straight he will say u r not letting me answer I am coming to it but this is to hard blah blah blah until I loose my patience. When he sees I am loosing my patience he will actually tell me yes now start cursing me and choose to walk away. And then I loose it. I do exactly how he played me. I will try and use a calmer approach but that can happen when he stops playing games and manupilations. He feels I don't see it. But I do. I know he is getting me instigated. Telling someone u love them when they r aggregated is one thing but yelling and saying what else do I do. Yell and say if this is not love what else this is gets me more and more upset. I am scared to talk to him because he is not understanding me at all or choosing not to. It's almost like he is forcing himself to try. May be his heart doesn't want me at all and that shows in his actions. Yet he says he wants this. But the way he talks doesn't make me feel that he wants this one percent. .....it's very frustrating.

I need to go back next week Wednesday.

Longway from home @ I can eliminate my anger only if he stops mocking me. When questioned he has repeatedly used this card sat near my face and asked me yes now start cursing. Instead of answering he drives me right there. I hate the hypocrisy he is portraying now. Either he needs to man up and say I won't do this to her anymore and truly try. When he shall truly try in my heart I will know. I knew he was upto nonsense. While I sat thousands of miles away without a proof on my so called vacation I told him that he has changed and that my heart knows something is wrong. He has lied and lied. And lied with a confidence. And no conscious. I need him to truly try and if he can't he ends to ask me to stop also. I feel like I am swimming against the tide and time is running short. Each hour each day that is passing by I feel I am loosing this battle within me. I have no clue what my future will be like I have vested my career my life my energy my identity all of it in this relationship. I have been shadowed in everything we have done. No one knows me solely in this biz but he is the face of everything we own or every had.

If I control my anger and talk yet he plays around with words it's like u r insulting me. Adding insult to my injury.

If I catch him saying the wrong things or doing wrong he will manupilations with words. Or pretend to be dumb. Or say I am dissecting everything he is saying. Which is not true.

It's exhausting to see a half willed approach. It's not right

The problem is you are never going to get any answers when you get angry,

When you get angry that's you loosing control and that gives him justification to walk away and not answer.

If you stay calm and ask him direct questions and do not rise to him riling you then you will get more answers to your questions.

Maybe try writing down your specific questions and getting him to answer them directly in paper. See if that helps at all.

I appreciate there are questions that need answering for you to start healing but you can't get anywhere when your are randomly throughout the day popping out questions for him to answer. Maybe dedicate 20 mins a day to answering your questions then shelve it and concentrate on trying to see if you can save this marriage.

I am not on his side but no matter how wrong he is and what he has done it is being made impossible for him to try and help you move on when every contact you two have is resulting in an argument. If he walks away he's wrong, if he stays and does not tell you exactly what you want to hear its wrong. How is he supposed to make any progress like this??

And I am talking from experience here i was furious with my H when I discovered his A, I cursed, and constantly had angry outbursts at him and although he deserved it, marriage wise it did t help at all.

Him choosing to tell you the truth is a good thing! That is what Radical Honesty is. Since he had already handled it (independently I may add!), he still told you the truth about his actions (even though he probably knew that he would get into trouble with you).

Well�.you did not MAKE him fix it, did you? I suspect that you both worked it out together, didn't you?

As for "bending" the rules. Yep, he is working on stopping that. That is independent behavior and he is going to be working very hard to get rid of it.

The Policy of Joint Agreement states that we never DO anything without the enthusiastic agreement of both spouses.

Next time that you notice independent behavior, tell him "it bothers me when I am not included in our decisions".

But ALSO the next time that he is radically honest with you, tell him "Thank you for being honest".

Your reaction is not going to help you to get what you really desire (for him to honestly listen and care about your opinion and feelings).

You will get what you need eventually if you first STOP the love busters.

See�he is making a Selfish Demand that hurts you (a love buster) when he tells you to start cursing him. That takes AWAY from your love bank balance, and then you feel justified in also hurting him�so you respond with a Disrespectful Judgment. And then soon one of you will have an Angry Outburst!

So the next time that he asks for you to curse him, PLEASE just answer him "Ouch! It hurts me when you say that". This way, YOU are not joining in on the LoveBusters.

Then if your husband continues to say hurtful things, tell him that you both need a cool down break. Remove yourself from the room if need be (but kindly�do your best not to huff out of the room or throw something on the way) <---ask me how I know that THIS can happen!

When something that he does bothers you, then you tell him respectfully by saying "it bothers me when�.".

That is a complaint, rather than a criticism.

I would venture a guess that most of us here had to use that line�.oh�.maybe 1,000 times per day�when we first began recovery.

It's like LongWayFromHome pointed out earlier, recovery is NOT EASY work. It is the most difficult thing that I or my husband have EVER done. But once we are finished, we are sure going to feel proud of ourselves!

I did the same thing. All that it did was prolong ANY bit of recovery that we could feel, and of course it also kept ME feeling horrible because I was constantly focusing on the past.

I will listen. And use. I promise. It's hard and I am going to try not to speak rudely

Good!!!

I had to promise myself that I would get through a morning, then an afternoon, then the evening without anger, disrespect, or bringing up the past. Then another day of the same thing. It was very very difficult. The times I failed, I held us back from recovering.

It takes a while to change all the bad habits and heal the resentment of a horrible past, but, with both spouses fully on board, it can happen.

Make sure you follow the doctor's orders and take your medication. It will help your emotions greatly.

I will thanks for being there for me every step of the way.

iam logging in to thank u all for your suggestions the book is wonderful and i have read upto chapter 13 ...my relationship seems calmer now and we r not having angry outbursts ..ads have helped a lot but i feel naseous and feel very low ffrom time to time ..worse is the nights!i hope this anxiey goes away ...thanks to you all you encouraged me to go see a dr ...i feel much calmer now ....i will keep you all in the loop happy fathers day to you all lovely dads out there ..

GKwife, I'm so glad to hear from you and that you are doing a little better. If the nausea continues, be sure and let your doctor know. The meds might need to be adjusted. Also, make sure you are eating when taking the medication and stick to healthy foods as much as possible. Take gentle exercise, like walking, to help sooth your mind.

As you and your H make the necessary changes to your lifestyle, and your marriage begins to improve, you should begin to feel better. Recovery is a marathon, not a sprint. Typically, recovery takes 2 - 5 years with both people on board.

Good for you for controlling the anger. That's very difficult to do but very important to keep under control during recovery especially and for the remainder of your days together.

SAA is the best book I have ever seen for infidelity. Make sure you go through the checklists and to change marital habits and lifestyle, including the business processes, wherever needed. At some point, you and your H might consider going through the Online program. That's what eventually helped us so much. Our marriage is better than ever, better even than our first year of marriage, and we credit MB completely for the education.

Keep on going, GKwife!

Have you heard back from the Harleys?

Such a great update, thank you!

You are also on blood pressure meds, correct? I am sure that when you see your doctor (this coming Wednesday?), she can adjust anything as needed.

Feel free to come here and ask any questions that you have as you are reading SAA.

I felt depressed worst during the nights the also. That WILL get better (and easier)!

Brain hurts. I haven't written to Harley yet. Will do so by tomorrow.
Blind sighted. No pressure meds. But nights r really hard. Keeps coming back when I am on the bed. The silence brings bk every bad memory. I hope this works out. For long term for ever

Let us know what the Harleys say.

Do you have sleep meds to help you get some sleep during this time?

Gkumarswife, are you two back to sharing the marital bed? If not, give it a try�your husband can learn to give you the affection that you need while you are triggering�WITHOUT your having to bring up the past. Just say "I would like it if�" and "I don't like it when�".

today i feel paticularly overwhelmed its like thoughts ARE rushing thru my head and the question why did he do this to me bothers me how do i overcome this ...i want to make this work but somedays its just so much harder . how did he not think of me or the kids and why didnt he .....
i finished reading ssa now have downloaded lovebusters ....i hate those thoughts and they get my blood pressure high ...
pls help me get over this

Yes, you've described it perfectly. It is like thoughts ARE rushing through�because they are.

I'm glad that you came on here to ask for help.

You are going to learn to stop them in their tracks�as time goes by�but truly you will not begin to feel better until you DO stop thinking about them.

It is very difficult, I am surely not minimizing what you are feeling. It takes time. If your husband's actions TODAY are showing you extraordinary care, then it will be easier for you to tell yourself "he's not like this now".

Are you and your husband reading the books together? Did he also finish SAA?

GREAT JOB by the way, getting through SAA. What did you think of it?

yes he finished ssa ...he infact read it before me and he is reading love busters ..its a great book now only if we put this in action ..time will tell

Have you written Dr. Harley?

No I haven't. Not yet

Please do. The Harleys have a very calming way about them and it's free.

So i have to describe all the circumstances. Everything how it started etc.to write the sr Harley ...... I suddenly feel very overwhelmed I was doing just fine for a whole week. I felt the ads helped and I was returning back to my routine. I would think of the a but less. Again since last noon I feel the same. I can't stop crying. And I woke up to nightmares. Seeing her and him. It's all running thru my head and I just can't stop. What do I do. I don't want to feel like this but I feel shockd. As in how far he went and lied. How many
Is he gave and how well he pretended. I could have not imagined anyone doing such a thing above all my husband. So I feel sick thinking about it. Yes ssa speaks of the fog and I understand that at time they r lost but so much pain I feel in my heart. I feel like I have no one not a soul who I can trust and be loved.

Gkumarswife, Finding out about your H's affairs and dishonesty is one of the biggest shocks of your life and one of the most painful experiences you are likely ever to suffer. Recovering from an affair is going to be one of the most difficult things you will do in your life.

It takes two - five years to recover from an affair and the recovery path is very narrow. Most couples don't recover, because they make so many mistakes on the way. Or because one of the spouses isn't really on board.

The ADs will help but they won't take away all your horrible feelings. I cried, too, throughout the first six months. Many times, I'd be playing a game with my H or washing dishes and spontaneously burst into tears. Every moment, it seemed, horrible thoughts of the affairs would invade my brain. I'd go to sleep thinking about it and wake up thinking about it. And my H was being wonderful to me.

Your H's behavior for the next year is going to be very important to your healing. He will need to be consistently very kind and gentle with you, transparent, and willing to follow all the rules of a good marriage.

Here's what Dr. Harley wrote to me on the private forum. My H had two affairs, was a flirt, was dishonest, and had been into porn and masturbation.

Try and spend as much time as possible with your H and make the time very enjoyable. Meet each others most important emotional needs.

Make SURE you don't have angry outbursts or make disrespectful judgments. I know this part is tough, but I can tell you that I made a lot of mistakes in my recovery and it only made recovery harder.

As to your sadness, that's really very normal for your stage in recovery. You are still in shock and mourning.

Focus your thoughts, your energy, your efforts on the present and the future, finding ways to make it as good as possible. When you have your doubts and feel disillusioned and sad, focus on what your H is doing today.

No, you do not have to describe each and every detail. Just a simple one paragraph email to reach out for help. Just the basics, and if it is easier for you, let them know your forum name and they can come here and read to fill in the gaps if they need to. It would be great if your husband could also send an email to them so that they can get the whole picture. You two could sit down tonight and write an email in about 15 minutes.
I am guessing that we all go through this. It does get consistently better though, AND as we learn how to POJA and have Radical Honesty as a couple�then we gain more good memories so that we are able to tell ourselves that "he's not like that NOW". As you continue to get better, you will soon discover that these thoughts MUST be stopped, so that you can avoid the recurring pain. Sounds simple, but very difficult to do. You will find ways to keep yourself busy so that you can focus on the present and the future. You will get there! The things that your H did while in the fog were happening whether you knew them or not. NOW you both know that if you want your marriage, that you HAVE to protect it at all costs for the rest of your lives. Extraordinary Care! Your previous life was a facade�NOW you are going to build a real marriage, right?

You and your husband would be best to focus on what you are NOW doing to protect your marriage at all costs. Do you understand the Extraordinary Precautions? Can you share with us what your EPs are?

Also, GKWife, are you seeing a psychiatrist for your meds? You should be in close contact with him/her while your body is adjusting to the meds.

Many have great results within a few days of taking ADs, but your body may quickly acclimate to the medication and the first dosage amount may not be enough.

Please see your doctor if the emotional bouts continue. You really should be seeing your doctor every week until you feel better.

thanks for your responses

you're welcome. We all care very much.

LWFH does make a good point about seeing a psychiatrist for your meds. A psychiatrist is trained in noticing little things to tell them whether the meds are working or need adjusted. They will just talk with you for 30-45 minutes first and then have confidence in your personal dosage requirements.

Did you go into work with your husband each day this week? How did that go?

i feel very very low lately i feel the ads hve stopped working ....i just dont know what to do with my thoughts i am repeatedly asking the same thing yet cant get any peace ...the other day i asked my h if he had any feelings for his keep ..his answer he said with radical honety that he doesnt feel anything for her ...humanely i was hoping he would say he hates her but i was deeply disturbed rather hurt .My h says its him who i have to blame and not her ..its him that was not responsible so i asked him if she didnt have any morals knowing she was destroying my marraige ...when i caught them the first time she actually sent me a big msg stating how she was never gonna hookup with amarried man and how her morals r correct and how much i have wronged her and that i shld apologise to her ....my husband when he fired her told me to atleast talk to her as she is crying and he feels hurt seeing her cry so much and atleast i should talk to her before she leaves which i did not ...knowing that they had this going on and they continued ...now my husband doesnt think she should be blamed and this comment has upset me a lot .....someone who ruined me here and my kids life and my husband has "no feelings" for her is complete bull and crap .
i just feel very alone and lonely..my husband is trying but i dont feel it in my heart ...i find it hard to spell each and every thing over and over again ....i just dont feel it within me ..we r not having angry outburts and he gets upset when he sees i am sad or depressed , and wants me to feel better ....i just feel like life will never be the same for me , i will never hve that passion or love for anyone ....i dont know what to do

i somedays feel i will explode like a bad angry outburts ...i dont want that to happen but i just feel too too let down ...today when he tells me he loves me it doesnt mean anything to me ...he is not doing anything extraodinary to make me feel special yes he is affectionate and loving but ironically he was exactly like this when he was with her he would look me in the eye and aay i love u baby and go out there and connect with her so how different r todays words than the past ....i dont think he understands what i feel because obviosuly he had not loved me the way i had ...he had lived lie and gotten too used to it but i truly had loved him and i feel too lonely

i hv my gist ready for dr harley how do i email him

how do i writeto dr harley ?i hv an email ready for him

Dr. Harley says, rightly so, that if we were connected emotionally so that each spouse feels exactly the same as the other, we would avoid ever hurting each other, because then we'd be hurting, too. But that's not the way it is.

Can you go back to your doctor and get a little increase prescribed? That's what my H had to do. The ADs worked marvelously well for the first week or so, then he had to go back and get the dosage upped. You and the doctor have to keep working on the dosage until it works for you.

Recovering your marriage will take every bit of both of you building and following new marital rules. You are still reeling from the shock and will continue to reel from it for a while. Recovery is hard. The best thing to do now is to focus on the present and the future.

Make sure you get about 20 -25 hours every week of UA time. During those hours, meet each other's most important ENs and make it the most enjoyable part of your week.

Make sure you both avoid love busters.

Have you and your H instituted all the necessary EPs to have full transparency and accountability? Have all the conditions that allowed for his affairs and dishonesty been eliminated?

After my D-Day, I never thought I would ever feel good again. I thought I would hate my H forever and feel broken-hearted and sad. But I didn't. It took about six months for me to say "I love you" to my H. And even after that, recovery was still difficult. I was very sad, very angry, very disillusioned and disappointed.

We're about 3 and a half years from D-Day and we are more in love than ever before. I had never been in love with my H the way I am now, and I never thought it would be possible to eliminate the resentment I felt. But if your present is great, the resentment of the horrible past will fade. I promise you that.

Here's a Memorandum of Agreement that we had to sign when we signed up for the Online Seminar. Take a look at it and show it to your H. This is a good place to start. Here

Send it mbradio@marriagebuilders.com. Include your mailing address and phone number and a link to your thread and the thread of your H for their reference.

If you don't hear back in a few days, notify the moderators, okay? They will follow up with the Harleys.

Email your questions to Joyce Harley at mbradio@marriagebuilders.com. When your email question is chosen to be answered on the radio show, you will be notified by email directing you to listen to the rebroadcast. If you would like to consider being a caller, include your telephone number. You will be called by us to explain the procedure to you. Every caller will receive a complementary book by Dr. Harley that addresses their question.

i sent my letter in ..hope he replies back

Remember that if you don't hear anything back in a few days, notify the moderators and they will help you.

You must stop asking your husband questions about his feelings for the other person. It is hurtful to YOU that you are doing this. Plus, your husband was in the fog at that point in time, so NO answer is ever going to help you to feel better.

He is not like that now. He is not like that now. He is not like that now.

Please stop talking about the past at all.

Yes, I was also unbelievably lonely for the first six months after the final d-day. But this passes!

Life will never be the same, but it will be lots BETTER if you and your husband continue to work together to follow each bit of the program. It takes time, and the beginning is the roughest because you have so much to digest and put into practice. But soon you will realize that you are building your marriage on a firm foundation this time.

I had a tough time with hearing I Love You also. But soon it will mean something again, because your husband will be learning to shower love on you with his ACTIONS. It will get through. Even if you do not feel it getting through, it is.

You two are going to be learning to meet each other's needs in the way that you both like them to be met. If your husband consistently gives you extraordinary care, in time you will start to realize that he has NEVER been such a kind, humble, and wonderful man.

Make sure you continue to see your doctor and get your ADs adjusted. ADs often need adjusting to make sure your body gets the correct dosage. When is your next appointment?

Every time you bring up the A, love units are being withdrawn from both love banks. It's not helping you, it's not helping your H, and it's holding back your marital recovery. You will need to stop bringing up the A if you want to recover your marriage.

If you are not enjoying your UA time, make sure your complaints and requests are always done respectfully. Sit down every Sunday afternoon and together schedule in the UA time, a minimum of 20 - 25 hours are needed for a marriage in crisis.

Dr. Harley recommends that a couple get away for a cruise for a week or so, if they can manage it, because the UA is so crucial and a cruise is a great way to get it.

Just heard a clip of my husband still on touch with the other woman. My husbands name is **EDIT** and her name is **EDIT** He owns store under the name of glitter jewelry in stkiits and alaska. **EDIT** and he r still in touch. He denies but I made him hear the audio and he denied it. It's devastation for me. He is so scared that right away he has gone and deactivated his facebook account. So I can't post on his wall. Thanks for trying but u can't change a sick pathological liar. I leave day after for India to proceed with divorce.

Sorry, G's wife. Your husband will come to regret his stupidity.

Humongous hugs to you. I am so sorry. But I am also glad that you set up a good snooping system so that you caught it right away.

If your mind is made up, we totally understand. We also totally support your decision, and if you wish to stay in touch here after you return to India, we can also help you with moving on to your new life.

You still need to do a full blown exposure. I know that your families know, but how about the OWs parents, friends and family? Your husband's friends and work associates? Even if you are divorcing, exposure stands a chance of killing the A in its tracks so that perhaps your children can grow up without a foggy wayward as a father.

However, if you are by chance still contemplating your decision, I can throw out the following (please IGNORE and don't read if your mind is made up).

*****************
This is why we kept asking about what EPs he had put into place to guarantee no contact. As LWFH pointed out to me in my own thread, it is a difficult thing for the wayward to go through withdrawal LOGICALLY and avoid caving in to their urges, because they are thinking EMOTIONALLY (foggy) during this time.

Extraordinary precautions have to be put into place for life.

My previously wayward H also had contact. I had six months of what we call a false recovery. Many of us here have had it, yet we still went on to begin true recovery. When we spoke with Dr. and Joyce Harley, they both assured me that it was almost "normal" with a wayward who had been so addicted (not acceptable though! and thus the extreme EPs that are necessary), and that if we BOTH wanted to make the (uphill) effort to restore our marriage, it was still possible.

That was why I pointed out to you early on that yes, if it takes following the wayward into the bathroom, then that is what you do.

My H desperately wanted to re-claim his life with me, but it took extraordinary measures to achieve his return to an honest life. Our EPs will have to be in place for life, because his A did not die a natural death, and thus the skank's LB balance with my husband is still positive. Barf, I know, but it is what it is.

The DIFFERENCE that I see though between you and I, is that my H told me the truth once he was nailed to the wall with obvious evidence. It is very telling to me that your H's response was to deny his very own voice on a recording, and then go to immediately delete his Facebook contacts.

Your husband is a serial cheater. The recovery path for a "normal" affair is slim and must be followed exactly to have a hope for recovery. The recovery path for a serial cheater is even slimmer, and so extra EPs have to be in place.

Even if you WEREN'T saying that you wanted divorce, I do think that Dr. Harley would recommend immediate Plan B. With your staying in the family home. With your H still supporting the family. And your refusing to have any more contact with your husband unless he were to meet every one of your requirements for recovery.

Have you had a response yet to the email that you sent to Dr. Harley?

Exactly what Blindsighted said, GKWife...

I am sorry to hear that your H is still talking to the OW. EPs are extremely important after any affair, but with your H's lifestyle of cheating and dishonesty, EPs and a complete overhaul of the lifestyle and habits to eliminate every single condition of the cheating and dishonesty is necessary.

Expose and go into Plan B. I would expose his affair everywhere you can. Let people know exactly what your H has done and is doing. There are many people who will not do business with a cheater and would appreciate the knowledge.

Your H is making a big mistake that is going to lead him down a path of misery.

How was contact made and who initiated it?

Did you have your husband change his phone number on his cell phone and delete his e-mail account?

This planet survived before the advent of FaceBook and it is not a necessity of life. FB is very dangerous to marriages.

I wish you well in your travels back to India.

If you do decide to Plan B your husband, then you should get an IM to filter his messages and that IM should only relay pertinent information about the children and finances.

Also, you may want to consider meeting with an attorney to see what complications will be added to a Divorce if you move out of the country.

LTL

I am finally home in India. I am avoiding all contacts with that serial cheater. He has devastated me. Yes I want to expose his keep in every way. Any suggestions how I can. I have her residential address and a vague idea of where she works. When I told my husband to do so he denies it very smArtly first says doesn't know where she works then says won't talk to her etc. I need to move on. But I definitely want her exposed. He exposed himself on fb. But I feel more humiliated so I hid his post. As my extended family still doesn't know. But yes I want to expose this whole wrecker. Help me give me suggestions how I can do that. Legally.

Your entire family should know about your H's affairs and dishonesty. He's the one who should be feeling humiliation, not you. Don't cover it up for him. His friends and business associates need to know as well. They need to know about your H's current affair partner as well.

In the USA, truth is a defense for libel. You can expose the truth, and you can't be sued for it. I don't know what the law is in India. But since he's in the US, you can expose on cheaterville.com, hesacheater.com and shesahomewrecker.com. To make your exposure strong, post your proof - any emails, photos, recordings that you have.

Read up on Plan B. If you never want to recover your marriage, you should still go into Plan B and have no contact again with your H. You would use an IM to pass along relevant info regarding finances and child visitation.

No contact means that you also avoid talking about him. Talking about the tragic past will keep it alive and make your present miserable.

Expose wide and far. Read here on Plan B. Make sure you are protected financially.

I'm so sorry for the pain you are going through.

Where can I read on plan b

I tried exposing her. My h who can is avoiding doing so. I just feel broken. Like my soul has been crushed. He is crying near people like he has done all along and giving an oscar winning performance about how regretful he is or wants people to believe. I am just fed up of my life

Here you go.
How to Plan B Correctly

Really important that you expose. You must be calm and efficient about this. Get the support of your family first. At all costs avoid looking like a crazy spouse. Target the people you need to reach and state only facts that you can support.

The reason for exposure is that otherwise people will believe his oscar winning performance.