Gkumarswife, Finding out about your H's affairs and dishonesty is one of the biggest shocks of your life and one of the most painful experiences you are likely ever to suffer. Recovering from an affair is going to be one of the most difficult things you will do in your life.

It takes two - five years to recover from an affair and the recovery path is very narrow. Most couples don't recover, because they make so many mistakes on the way. Or because one of the spouses isn't really on board.

The ADs will help but they won't take away all your horrible feelings. I cried, too, throughout the first six months. Many times, I'd be playing a game with my H or washing dishes and spontaneously burst into tears. Every moment, it seemed, horrible thoughts of the affairs would invade my brain. I'd go to sleep thinking about it and wake up thinking about it. And my H was being wonderful to me.

Your H's behavior for the next year is going to be very important to your healing. He will need to be consistently very kind and gentle with you, transparent, and willing to follow all the rules of a good marriage.

Here's what Dr. Harley wrote to me on the private forum. My H had two affairs, was a flirt, was dishonest, and had been into porn and masturbation.

Try and spend as much time as possible with your H and make the time very enjoyable. Meet each others most important emotional needs.

Make SURE you don't have angry outbursts or make disrespectful judgments. I know this part is tough, but I can tell you that I made a lot of mistakes in my recovery and it only made recovery harder.

As to your sadness, that's really very normal for your stage in recovery. You are still in shock and mourning.

Focus your thoughts, your energy, your efforts on the present and the future, finding ways to make it as good as possible. When you have your doubts and feel disillusioned and sad, focus on what your H is doing today.

No, you do not have to describe each and every detail. Just a simple one paragraph email to reach out for help. Just the basics, and if it is easier for you, let them know your forum name and they can come here and read to fill in the gaps if they need to. It would be great if your husband could also send an email to them so that they can get the whole picture. You two could sit down tonight and write an email in about 15 minutes.
I am guessing that we all go through this. It does get consistently better though, AND as we learn how to POJA and have Radical Honesty as a couple�then we gain more good memories so that we are able to tell ourselves that "he's not like that NOW". As you continue to get better, you will soon discover that these thoughts MUST be stopped, so that you can avoid the recurring pain. Sounds simple, but very difficult to do. You will find ways to keep yourself busy so that you can focus on the present and the future. You will get there! The things that your H did while in the fog were happening whether you knew them or not. NOW you both know that if you want your marriage, that you HAVE to protect it at all costs for the rest of your lives. Extraordinary Care! Your previous life was a facade�NOW you are going to build a real marriage, right?

You and your husband would be best to focus on what you are NOW doing to protect your marriage at all costs. Do you understand the Extraordinary Precautions? Can you share with us what your EPs are?

Also, GKWife, are you seeing a psychiatrist for your meds? You should be in close contact with him/her while your body is adjusting to the meds.

Many have great results within a few days of taking ADs, but your body may quickly acclimate to the medication and the first dosage amount may not be enough.

Please see your doctor if the emotional bouts continue. You really should be seeing your doctor every week until you feel better.

thanks for your responses

you're welcome. We all care very much.

LWFH does make a good point about seeing a psychiatrist for your meds. A psychiatrist is trained in noticing little things to tell them whether the meds are working or need adjusted. They will just talk with you for 30-45 minutes first and then have confidence in your personal dosage requirements.

Did you go into work with your husband each day this week? How did that go?

i feel very very low lately i feel the ads hve stopped working ....i just dont know what to do with my thoughts i am repeatedly asking the same thing yet cant get any peace ...the other day i asked my h if he had any feelings for his keep ..his answer he said with radical honety that he doesnt feel anything for her ...humanely i was hoping he would say he hates her but i was deeply disturbed rather hurt .My h says its him who i have to blame and not her ..its him that was not responsible so i asked him if she didnt have any morals knowing she was destroying my marraige ...when i caught them the first time she actually sent me a big msg stating how she was never gonna hookup with amarried man and how her morals r correct and how much i have wronged her and that i shld apologise to her ....my husband when he fired her told me to atleast talk to her as she is crying and he feels hurt seeing her cry so much and atleast i should talk to her before she leaves which i did not ...knowing that they had this going on and they continued ...now my husband doesnt think she should be blamed and this comment has upset me a lot .....someone who ruined me here and my kids life and my husband has "no feelings" for her is complete bull and crap .
i just feel very alone and lonely..my husband is trying but i dont feel it in my heart ...i find it hard to spell each and every thing over and over again ....i just dont feel it within me ..we r not having angry outburts and he gets upset when he sees i am sad or depressed , and wants me to feel better ....i just feel like life will never be the same for me , i will never hve that passion or love for anyone ....i dont know what to do

i somedays feel i will explode like a bad angry outburts ...i dont want that to happen but i just feel too too let down ...today when he tells me he loves me it doesnt mean anything to me ...he is not doing anything extraodinary to make me feel special yes he is affectionate and loving but ironically he was exactly like this when he was with her he would look me in the eye and aay i love u baby and go out there and connect with her so how different r todays words than the past ....i dont think he understands what i feel because obviosuly he had not loved me the way i had ...he had lived lie and gotten too used to it but i truly had loved him and i feel too lonely

i hv my gist ready for dr harley how do i email him

how do i writeto dr harley ?i hv an email ready for him

Dr. Harley says, rightly so, that if we were connected emotionally so that each spouse feels exactly the same as the other, we would avoid ever hurting each other, because then we'd be hurting, too. But that's not the way it is.

Can you go back to your doctor and get a little increase prescribed? That's what my H had to do. The ADs worked marvelously well for the first week or so, then he had to go back and get the dosage upped. You and the doctor have to keep working on the dosage until it works for you.

Recovering your marriage will take every bit of both of you building and following new marital rules. You are still reeling from the shock and will continue to reel from it for a while. Recovery is hard. The best thing to do now is to focus on the present and the future.

Make sure you get about 20 -25 hours every week of UA time. During those hours, meet each other's most important ENs and make it the most enjoyable part of your week.

Make sure you both avoid love busters.

Have you and your H instituted all the necessary EPs to have full transparency and accountability? Have all the conditions that allowed for his affairs and dishonesty been eliminated?

After my D-Day, I never thought I would ever feel good again. I thought I would hate my H forever and feel broken-hearted and sad. But I didn't. It took about six months for me to say "I love you" to my H. And even after that, recovery was still difficult. I was very sad, very angry, very disillusioned and disappointed.

We're about 3 and a half years from D-Day and we are more in love than ever before. I had never been in love with my H the way I am now, and I never thought it would be possible to eliminate the resentment I felt. But if your present is great, the resentment of the horrible past will fade. I promise you that.

Here's a Memorandum of Agreement that we had to sign when we signed up for the Online Seminar. Take a look at it and show it to your H. This is a good place to start. Here

Send it mbradio@marriagebuilders.com. Include your mailing address and phone number and a link to your thread and the thread of your H for their reference.

If you don't hear back in a few days, notify the moderators, okay? They will follow up with the Harleys.

Email your questions to Joyce Harley at mbradio@marriagebuilders.com. When your email question is chosen to be answered on the radio show, you will be notified by email directing you to listen to the rebroadcast. If you would like to consider being a caller, include your telephone number. You will be called by us to explain the procedure to you. Every caller will receive a complementary book by Dr. Harley that addresses their question.

i sent my letter in ..hope he replies back

Remember that if you don't hear anything back in a few days, notify the moderators and they will help you.

You must stop asking your husband questions about his feelings for the other person. It is hurtful to YOU that you are doing this. Plus, your husband was in the fog at that point in time, so NO answer is ever going to help you to feel better.

He is not like that now. He is not like that now. He is not like that now.

Please stop talking about the past at all.

Yes, I was also unbelievably lonely for the first six months after the final d-day. But this passes!

Life will never be the same, but it will be lots BETTER if you and your husband continue to work together to follow each bit of the program. It takes time, and the beginning is the roughest because you have so much to digest and put into practice. But soon you will realize that you are building your marriage on a firm foundation this time.

I had a tough time with hearing I Love You also. But soon it will mean something again, because your husband will be learning to shower love on you with his ACTIONS. It will get through. Even if you do not feel it getting through, it is.

You two are going to be learning to meet each other's needs in the way that you both like them to be met. If your husband consistently gives you extraordinary care, in time you will start to realize that he has NEVER been such a kind, humble, and wonderful man.

Make sure you continue to see your doctor and get your ADs adjusted. ADs often need adjusting to make sure your body gets the correct dosage. When is your next appointment?

Every time you bring up the A, love units are being withdrawn from both love banks. It's not helping you, it's not helping your H, and it's holding back your marital recovery. You will need to stop bringing up the A if you want to recover your marriage.

If you are not enjoying your UA time, make sure your complaints and requests are always done respectfully. Sit down every Sunday afternoon and together schedule in the UA time, a minimum of 20 - 25 hours are needed for a marriage in crisis.

Dr. Harley recommends that a couple get away for a cruise for a week or so, if they can manage it, because the UA is so crucial and a cruise is a great way to get it.

Just heard a clip of my husband still on touch with the other woman. My husbands name is **EDIT** and her name is **EDIT** He owns store under the name of glitter jewelry in stkiits and alaska. **EDIT** and he r still in touch. He denies but I made him hear the audio and he denied it. It's devastation for me. He is so scared that right away he has gone and deactivated his facebook account. So I can't post on his wall. Thanks for trying but u can't change a sick pathological liar. I leave day after for India to proceed with divorce.

Sorry, G's wife. Your husband will come to regret his stupidity.