Should I just move on? The Jude Journey - 02/13/15 10:28 PM
Where to start.. let me start off by saying I was reffered to this forum by QueenysAdventures, she is my mother in law. I married her daughter last year on August 3rd. Currently, in April we will have been together for 8 years. We have a son together who will be turning 5 in May.
We have had our fare share of rocky times early when I emotionally cheated on her when I took her for granted about 7 years ago. She eventually forgave me but, like any normal person, hasn't forgotten. I feel absolutely horrible for putting her through this.
For the last couple years of our relationship, communication has broken down. Now that we've had blow ups and our issues are out on the table I can see how me being controlling, manipulative, demeaning can cause anyone to shut down because if they put their feelings out there, they will only get shut down by being told how to fix the issue rather than sitting down and sympathizing with her issue. I recognize this now and I'm going to my first counseling session a week from today to start tackling these issues. It's my belief that they stem from my parents divorcing when I was 8, and being molested when I was alone on a long distance train when I was 14. I had no control in those situations, so now I try to control everything around me.. or at least that's what I think..
The friday before Christmas we had an argument, to this day I cannot tell you a word of what was said because I've got through the ringer since. Saturday morning, I got up, told the wife it felt awkward at home and asked if I should just leave. She replied with only nodding her head and off I went to pack my stuff in my car, or what I can fit in the car, and left to goto a bar then later to a buddies house. While in the car I bought a pack of smokes, something after almost 4 years I told myself I'd never do again. After a few days apart, I told her I wanted to see my son open the gifts we had gotten him on Christmas morning. Since we were going to my brothers Christmas eve night to celebrate Christmas with my father she said I could just stay the night so I can be there in the morning. Since that night I have not left the house.
She went to her first counseling visit on NYE, where she came back and sat me down telling me the best way to make this work, is to act like we are divorced without a divorce. At the time I didn't understand, now I believe it's to give me a chance to turn myself around and change my behaviors and the way I interact with her.
To preface where the crap went down hill even further. I'm on day 13 of Chantex, a quit smoking pill that's main side effect is.. depression. So I'm not thinking clearly the past two weeks.
Two weeks in or so I see she adds a friend on facebook, I ask her about it, she says it just a friend from work. Well he works in a completely different industry than her so I found that odd. Fast forward to Feb 2nd, I forgot my wallet at home while on my way to work, I turn around to go and grab it, she's in the shower but her phone is on her bed(yes we are in separate beds) and I see it lit up. Normally I have never intruded into her personal life, but with my suspicions I couldn't help myself. It was this friend, saying "Aww (wife) :(" I was broken, went to work absolutely broken. A man who blocked me on facebook is comforting my wife during this time of space where this is supposed to repair us. I do my best not to flip out.. Fast forward to this past Saturday, I see another text while she is in the shower, it's from her friend and it says "Do you want me to order pizza when you get here? :)" I was devastated and hurt. I felt as if my beliefs were confirmed by her going over to his place and spending quality time with this man.
The next day I write a letter, explaining why I am the way I am today as I have never admitted to her about me being molested. I laid it all out there, Queeny and another friend from this site both have said no ultimatums and don't bring this man into it, it should have only been about me and me alone. But I didn't listen. She was listening and crying through the first part when I kept it on me, later when I went on about the man I said I saw the text yesterday and she stormed into her room crying after saying "I [censored] knew you did!" I then gave her the ultimatum through the door.
The next day I come home from after work school, broken. We talked over text messages and she said shes done, she's been pushed over the edge and she is done. Fast forward to that evening.. Her girlfriend is over and without looking at either of them as I enter, I say I'm sorry for everything, that I'm fighting for my marriage. Fast forward her friend leaves I'm in the room curled up balling, she comes in to say something but see's me and leaves. I approach her in the bathroom after I collected myself to see if she needed something. It wasn't anything important, but then she saw I wanted to speak my mind. She let me reiterate the first two paragraphs that were about me, then I apologized for forcing her to make a decision, that it's her place to do it on her own. I was a balling mess and so was she. She told me during said conversation that all is okay and that she wasn't going to view it as a step backwards.
Fast forward to last night, one of her girlfriends opens up to me under the preface that she wished someone would have done it for her. She tells me that my wife has slept with this guy, that I don't show her the love she needs/I talk down to her/I don't make her feel important. And that she wants a divorce and she planned to file for one this month. This morning I couldn't keep myself together, she could tell something was deeply bothering me she sends me a message on the way to work saying she's done with the emotional roller coaster I'm on, she doesn't have the time or energy to wonder each day if I'm angry with her or what and says again.. she's done. During this conversation however she said something that kinda caught my eye.. "Either stop taking the effing meds or leave me the eff alone" I've admitted in the past week that these pills are messing with my head, today I've decided that quitting smoking will have to wait as these pills are not healthy for me.
So here I am today, Queeny and my other councilor bud told me to protect myself. The other councilor said I should go file for a divorce today as the petitioner generally controls the process he also believes that she sounds done in this whole process. As of last night and this morning I was pretty set on divorce. But to be honest, I feel like I can forgive her and move forward, if I go that route I was going to get her a bunch of daiseys as that's her favorite flower and I've never given her any, only roses. And a rose and a hot chocolate from starbucks.
I want to ask her for one last chance without the drugs in my brain.. but I feel like it'll only fall on deaf ears.
I obviously need some help. I'm going to a co-dependance meeting tonight to start that whole process.
-Jude
We have had our fare share of rocky times early when I emotionally cheated on her when I took her for granted about 7 years ago. She eventually forgave me but, like any normal person, hasn't forgotten. I feel absolutely horrible for putting her through this.
For the last couple years of our relationship, communication has broken down. Now that we've had blow ups and our issues are out on the table I can see how me being controlling, manipulative, demeaning can cause anyone to shut down because if they put their feelings out there, they will only get shut down by being told how to fix the issue rather than sitting down and sympathizing with her issue. I recognize this now and I'm going to my first counseling session a week from today to start tackling these issues. It's my belief that they stem from my parents divorcing when I was 8, and being molested when I was alone on a long distance train when I was 14. I had no control in those situations, so now I try to control everything around me.. or at least that's what I think..
The friday before Christmas we had an argument, to this day I cannot tell you a word of what was said because I've got through the ringer since. Saturday morning, I got up, told the wife it felt awkward at home and asked if I should just leave. She replied with only nodding her head and off I went to pack my stuff in my car, or what I can fit in the car, and left to goto a bar then later to a buddies house. While in the car I bought a pack of smokes, something after almost 4 years I told myself I'd never do again. After a few days apart, I told her I wanted to see my son open the gifts we had gotten him on Christmas morning. Since we were going to my brothers Christmas eve night to celebrate Christmas with my father she said I could just stay the night so I can be there in the morning. Since that night I have not left the house.
She went to her first counseling visit on NYE, where she came back and sat me down telling me the best way to make this work, is to act like we are divorced without a divorce. At the time I didn't understand, now I believe it's to give me a chance to turn myself around and change my behaviors and the way I interact with her.
To preface where the crap went down hill even further. I'm on day 13 of Chantex, a quit smoking pill that's main side effect is.. depression. So I'm not thinking clearly the past two weeks.
Two weeks in or so I see she adds a friend on facebook, I ask her about it, she says it just a friend from work. Well he works in a completely different industry than her so I found that odd. Fast forward to Feb 2nd, I forgot my wallet at home while on my way to work, I turn around to go and grab it, she's in the shower but her phone is on her bed(yes we are in separate beds) and I see it lit up. Normally I have never intruded into her personal life, but with my suspicions I couldn't help myself. It was this friend, saying "Aww (wife) :(" I was broken, went to work absolutely broken. A man who blocked me on facebook is comforting my wife during this time of space where this is supposed to repair us. I do my best not to flip out.. Fast forward to this past Saturday, I see another text while she is in the shower, it's from her friend and it says "Do you want me to order pizza when you get here? :)" I was devastated and hurt. I felt as if my beliefs were confirmed by her going over to his place and spending quality time with this man.
The next day I write a letter, explaining why I am the way I am today as I have never admitted to her about me being molested. I laid it all out there, Queeny and another friend from this site both have said no ultimatums and don't bring this man into it, it should have only been about me and me alone. But I didn't listen. She was listening and crying through the first part when I kept it on me, later when I went on about the man I said I saw the text yesterday and she stormed into her room crying after saying "I [censored] knew you did!" I then gave her the ultimatum through the door.
The next day I come home from after work school, broken. We talked over text messages and she said shes done, she's been pushed over the edge and she is done. Fast forward to that evening.. Her girlfriend is over and without looking at either of them as I enter, I say I'm sorry for everything, that I'm fighting for my marriage. Fast forward her friend leaves I'm in the room curled up balling, she comes in to say something but see's me and leaves. I approach her in the bathroom after I collected myself to see if she needed something. It wasn't anything important, but then she saw I wanted to speak my mind. She let me reiterate the first two paragraphs that were about me, then I apologized for forcing her to make a decision, that it's her place to do it on her own. I was a balling mess and so was she. She told me during said conversation that all is okay and that she wasn't going to view it as a step backwards.
Fast forward to last night, one of her girlfriends opens up to me under the preface that she wished someone would have done it for her. She tells me that my wife has slept with this guy, that I don't show her the love she needs/I talk down to her/I don't make her feel important. And that she wants a divorce and she planned to file for one this month. This morning I couldn't keep myself together, she could tell something was deeply bothering me she sends me a message on the way to work saying she's done with the emotional roller coaster I'm on, she doesn't have the time or energy to wonder each day if I'm angry with her or what and says again.. she's done. During this conversation however she said something that kinda caught my eye.. "Either stop taking the effing meds or leave me the eff alone" I've admitted in the past week that these pills are messing with my head, today I've decided that quitting smoking will have to wait as these pills are not healthy for me.
So here I am today, Queeny and my other councilor bud told me to protect myself. The other councilor said I should go file for a divorce today as the petitioner generally controls the process he also believes that she sounds done in this whole process. As of last night and this morning I was pretty set on divorce. But to be honest, I feel like I can forgive her and move forward, if I go that route I was going to get her a bunch of daiseys as that's her favorite flower and I've never given her any, only roses. And a rose and a hot chocolate from starbucks.
I want to ask her for one last chance without the drugs in my brain.. but I feel like it'll only fall on deaf ears.
I obviously need some help. I'm going to a co-dependance meeting tonight to start that whole process.
-Jude