I think my wife is having an affair. My gut says so. I got the whole I love you but im not in love with you. She suddenly changed after going out of town for four days. When she left she was a loving caring wife. Then suddenly she said she isn't in love with me, wants space, and wants to try seperating. There was another male teacher on this trip she works closely with. She just changed overnight and is not the same person. She wont' show any affection or tell me she loves me. Sex? HAA! No.

What I've uncovered so far. She is zealously guarding her phone, it never ever leaves her side. She changed passwords on all her social media. One day I saw on her phones browsing history she was looking up sex toys and how to give awesome oral sex. She has never done either of those. Later the same day she was seen at his work at the end of the work day, which is a private house. She came home that evening chewing gum, something I have rarely if ever seen her doing. She spent time at a private pool at a hot spring. This week I found nude pics of her on a backup website for pics on her phone. One was doing a sex act on herself. She has never taken a nude photo in 12 years. I know this all sounds circumstantial, but it is really a lot. I feel convinced in my heart. I want to confront and expose to destroy this affair as soon as I can. Question 1: Is this enough? I don't have access to her phone anymore she changed the lock screen and I can't get the phone records online. I did see she has been checking this other teacher's google drive.

I really want to try to reconcile with her. I still love her and she is the mother of my 2 small kids. I know her family loves me and would be really upset to find out. I hope to do Plan A and then Plan B, but I know I need to shine the light on this thing before it grows.

I am going to go out of town Tuesday with my son. Question 2: Do I drop this bomb on Monday night before I go, stay the night out of the house, and then let her think on it? Or do I wait until I return to confront/expose since if she does turn out to feel bad leaving her would be like leaving an alcoholic in a bar and saying "I'll be back, don't drink?"

You don't have evidence of an affair. I would hire a PI to tail her while you are out of town. The PI can likely get photo evidence of her affair. I know they can be pricey, but they are much cheaper than a divorce and you need this evidence to bust up her affair.

I would also suggest you get a GPS and a voice activated recorder on her car.

Do you know the OM? What do you know about him? Is he married?

Does your wife hang out in bars and/or go out with work friends?

How long married? Are you married?

Has she ever had an affair before? Have you ever had an affair?

Married 10 years. I know OM works with her. He has a crazy xw who divorced him and became gay for 6 months. They are supposedly trying to R but I don't know if it is going well. She is said to have rejected his valentines card. My w has been checking his google drive. No prior affairs she was an awesome wife right until this trip then she just turned against me and is not at all the same person. She is secretive cold and distant

Thanks for answering. Can you hire a PI to watch her for a couple of days? That will get you the necessary evidence you need to bust up this affair.

No, but I can have some trusted allies check the place. I know both of their cars. I might leave a VAR in the bedroom too.

How is the philosophy here different than on SI? I know the people there are like "go for the kill and file" but it seems Dr. Harvey advocates confront/expose, but then what? Just try to love her while she is actively cheating?

Let MelodyLane give you a more defined answer tomorrow.

For now go to MelodyLane's Exposure 101 (linked on her signature) and read up on the exposure plan so you are ready and understand the process.

Purchase: 'Surviving an Affair' by downloading to a device. Author Willard Harley.

Read up on snooping and remember not to confront. When you get more evidence be sure to come back and report here.

I'm not sure what 'SI' is. I assume a website that is supposed to help you survive infidelity?

Well...

You would have a right to divorce your wife if in fact she is cheating, but that does not sound like your objective.

Dr Harley's plan has the potential to bust the affair and create a better relationship than you had prior. BTW, if your wife indeed is having an affair (seems likely) it doesn't necessarily mean there was something off about your relationship. It just means your wife showed poor boundaries around the opposite sex.

Like I said, ML or other vets will likely be here in the AM to help you w/specifics. But for now, at least for myself under such horrid circumstances, getting a handle on the overall plan can help bring a little peace in such a storm and will help you better understand and hopefully tune into the valuable directives you will soon hear. Highly recommend reading Dr Harleys directives. They will help you through the rest of your life deal with hardships in general too. Know the directives are specific because the path is narrow and timely for a shot to save your marriage under these circumstances.

No, Dr Harley advocates doing everything in your power to bust up the affair. If she doesn't end her affair within 6 months, you should separate and go into Plan B.

I wasn't aware that SI had a "philosophy." It is my understanding that it is a chat forum where novices share personal philosophies.

Your plan to spy on her doesn't sound too comprehensive.

Are you sure? That she is a) ex and b) crazy? This sounds like the kind of 'OMW is crazy' story that most OM are keen to spread - without actually leaving her!

Then when the BH exposes to her it turns out she's a perfectly nice woman.

Shes still his wife. Even in the unlikely event that she did have her own affair, she still doesn't deserve to be the victim of a revenge affair.

Dr H advocates Plan A - you don't confront her, others do. Whenever she is in your company she experiences care and respect.

Exposure cuts out the need for arguing. If the A were a good idea they wouldn't be ashamed of it.

Octo,

Do not take lightly what ML is saying in regards to professional and targeted advise vs. whack-a-mole amateur advise at a site where posters come together and form a discussion with all sorts of strategies-of-the moment.

MB is a defined pro plan.

SI = survivinginfidelity. C0m. They all are saying confront her and give her divorce papers to scare her. Maybe tough love is needed but my goal is R, not D so it could also easily blow up in my own face.

I am going to try to put a keylogger on her CPU to get passwords and leave a VAR in the bedroom while I am gone. I don't have money for a pi.

If that doesn't get me anything how much longer do I wait? I don't want this A to keep growing like a cancer. It might not be enough proof for a courtroom right now but it is an awful lot of circumstantial evidence and everyone I tell concludes it is some kind of affair.

Octopus, if you expose the OM without proof, he can sue you for libel. If you do not expose the OM, the affair can continue. Exposing the OM is a crucial part of the exposure plan. Get the evidence first, and then expose far and wide to blow up the affair. You can't blow up the affair without the necessary proof.

If your wife is having an affair, then she already knows it. Confronting her is unlikely to end it. She will just go underground with it while gas lighting you.

Dr. Harley has had 40 years experience helping people break up affairs and recover from them. He can't save every marriage, but he has a great track recod. And a solid plan that will help YOU regardless of the outcome.

Don't tell anyone else for now. Just quietly snoop until you find evidence that will convince a jury. It won't take long, because people in affairs get sloppy.

You will drive yourself nuts going back and forth between various forums for guidance. You will get different advice and most of the folks have little idea how to deal with affairs in a constructive way.

If you confront your wife now, she will just go underground and get sneakier. "Tough love" is a mistake. Tough love will prove to her that you don't care about her. Divorce papers might scare her, but do you want to take that chance? MB has a PLAN. If you stick logically to the plan, you will be in the best frame of mind to do what it takes to find the evidence you need and then expose. Don't "scare her" with divorce papers, unless you really want a divorce.

Eliminate your love busters: no anger, no selfish demands, no disrespect, no arguing, no fighting. Snoop quietly. Don't tell anyone yet.

GET the evidence. Do what you need to do to get the evidence. Exposoing when you have no direct evidence is a STRATEGIC MISTAKE that only gives her the ability to deny everything and makes it much harder for you to get solid intel. Doesn't sound like the folks at SI are very strategic.

You don't have evidence of an affair. Exposing with what you have will blow up in your face. You need to be STRATEGIC here.

If you cherry pick a variety of ideas regarding infidelity you'll be all over the map wasting your time and energy.

The focus for now is proving an affair without alerting your wife you are working towards this objective. It seems you are wasting your time getting others to validate your feelings over getting to work to bust a possible affair through actions.

In any kind of disaster response moving towards the objective of recovery you take care of your basic needs to keep yourself in shape to manage the situation AND resolve underlying safety issues. You don't stand back and simply blog about your troubles! If there is a fire you attempt to put it out!

Your wife's change in behavior has alerted you that your marriage, family and lifestyle is threatened somehow. so the name of the game is to figure this out while knowing your wife is likely addicted to the threatening factor and will attempt to deflect your response. This whole entire situation is outside your norm so you have to adjust fast to save your marriage. Often the betrayed standing up to the affair is later perceived as an act of bravery when the affair or delusion wears off. If you shoot for a divorce now your wife may see this as she was not worth fighting for.

Stop simply blogging on SI and get evidence.

Thanks. I have been back and forth on it all day and came to the same conclusion. I don't have proof. And honestly there is truth that given her state of mind (she says she is burnt out, bitter, and out of love), I might not even be a worthy option to return to. I need to show her love and show her I am worth returning to for me to be something that she fears losing. I need to have my giver in full throttle and expect nothing in return. I'll continue to be nosy to try to get real proof, but in the meantime I need to work on myself to make myself a viable option to return to.

That's cute, but did you want to save your marriage? Going full throttle and meeting her needs unconditionally won't save your marriage because her love bank is closed to you. So, you can do that for a few years, but it won't end the affair and it won't save your marriage. It will just make the affair more entrenched as time passes.

Sir, you can't conflict avoid your way to marital success. Your wife is in an affair and if you don't get off your butt and kill the affair, you won't have a marriage left.

The solution to not having proof is to GET PROOF. It does not resolve the problem to be an enabler while you stick your head in the sand.

Octo,

Here is the kind of thing we want to hear from you now, for example:

"I purchased two VAR for her car and our bedroom. I used velcro and duck taped to attach the VAR under the front drivers seat and I found a place to stash the other in our bedroom. When I return later this week I'll see if there is evidence and I'll report back here."

or "I decided a PI is a lot less expensive then divorce and went ahead and hired one."

or "I placed a keylogger on her phone and laptop."

You take some type of action to get the proof and come back so we can help you go forward. you don't confront your wife. If she is having an affair, she knows what she is up to already. But we can help you w/next steps.

The longer you wait to expose the affair, the harder it will be to bust up the affair. The clock is ticking. ..

Have you put spyware on her devices yet or a VAR in her vehicle?

I did plan A (not knowing it was plan A) for 2 weeks with my WW before I even discovered her A and marriage builders. Those 2 weeks did nothing because she was still in her affair. If anything, I was enabling the affair and it worked against me because she thought I was clueless(very unattractive). No matter how much you turn yourself around or what kind of incredible man you might become, you will never compare to the fantasy that OM represents in your WW's mind. Plan A won't work without exposure. Have you read "The Carrot and Stick of Plan A"?

You have to get evidence in order to expose and kill the affair. It's your family and you have to fight for it. Right now, you are the only one who can.

Oh that is just textbook WW fog babble. As long as there is a future with OM she is closed to you.

You need proper proof like yesterday. Call a PI! Do not fiddle while home burns.

fyi, Plan A *IS* exposure. That is the most critical part of Plan A.

In my opinion there is a 99% chance that your wife is having an affair. You don�t need proof for court unless you�re in an at fault state. What you need is proof for yourself, friends and family.

If you confront her with no proof she will say nothing is going on at all. She will only admit to what you have proof of and minimize. She will say that it�s an EA when it�s a PA etc. People will ask how can you possibly break up your family over �X�. You need an answer for what �X� is.

If it�s an EA people will say how can you break up your family over that? She never even touched him, etc. Without proof you will weaken when she�s crying, saying all the things you want to hear and telling you nothing happened.

You will want to believe her and your 99% suspicion will go to 10% without proof.

Well I f'd it up big time. She caught me snooping on her phone. I spilled about how I found the stuff and she of course denied anything. Now she is really pissed and I didn't get it uncovered.

Can you hire a private detective?

I know you said you can't afford a PI, but can you borrow some money to hire one?

Have you bought a VAR?

That just means you need to hurry. Preferably with a PI.

What is she upset about?

That's par for the course! She thought true love was waiting and now she is ashamed and confused. She's going to be treating you like a child murderer.

Relax, it's textbook. Just say you're sorry she's so ashamed of her affair. You're willing to build a great marriage with her and you will not ever help her keep an affair a secret.

Then go off and make a sandwich which she knashes and writhes like something in the exorcist.

She's being like a drunk person would be when you take the bottle away. Be soothing but firm.

I got the same question in my mind . What is she upset about?

I noticed she gaslighted me the night before. She said "My mom even accused me of having an affair. You and I know that isn't the case?" I just let it slide.

I confronted her with the browsing history and the oral sex lookup i found on her phone. I didn't tell her about the pics yet. She claimed the oral sex lookup was because I had been telling her I wanted her to spice up the bedroom but she couldn't see herself doing them with me because she doesn't love me. She was so upset because I was snooping and not listening to and believing the reasons she had been telling me (don't clean the house enough, ect).

I'm not sure how much more I will be able to get now. I'm sure she ran off and target hardened all of the stuff. I'm 95% certain she either texted the nudie photos or put them on her google drive. I saw she had logged into his google drive. And he had signed a text message xoxoxox to her. It had been work related, but who sends xoxoxox to a member of the opposite sex you are not related to? And who takes nudie photos of themself doing a sex act on their phone unless it is to send it to someone (especially when you haven't taken a nudie photo in 13 years)?

If I can't get any more data off the computer I feel like I'm going to have to just tell her about the pics, say I don't believe you, expose the evidence I have so far, and file for D to show I'm serious. Again I really don't want D, I want R, but I don't know how to knock her out of the fog without getting tough.

Its an addiction - sadly, you will be able to get more.

Just nod and let the dust settle.

I wouldn't confront her with the evidence. She already knows she is having an affair. You have quite a bit of evidence already, that at minimum is way beyond appropriate.
All her excuses are LAME attempts to get you off the track and back off.
Nobody looks up oral sex on the internet, coincidentally while having an inappropriate relationship with OM. That sounds like a teenager trying to lie out of getting caught with beer in their car. Pathetic.

She is deep in the fog and that itself is evidence of the affair. Adulterers all get upset when you accuse them of adultery. Nobody wants the "scarlet letter" attached to them.


Did you get a VAR yet? I guarantee you put a VAR in her car, and you will catch her talking to him. Be prepared for the filth you will hear, it will turn your stomach.

What is your point in trying to tell her and poo rove to her that you do not believe her??? SHE ALREADY KNOWS WHAT SHE IS DOING!!!

Just get enough evidence and do a complete Exposure to everyone who could possibly have influence over her.

Follow the Exposure 101 instructions and do them all in 1 day.

Quit trying to convince her.

LTL

Well it blew up for real. I got caught trying to get her phone records. I guess I suck at snooping.

I confronted her with all I had. She denied any affair. She said the photos were for her own reason, because she didn't feel beautiful. I told her I didn't believe her and she didn't care. I still find that very hard to believe because one of the photos was a sex act with fingers in there. Who takes that just for themselves? She said looking up oral sex was for me. She told me I didn't ever listen to her and she was extremely upset I was spying on her. She says she is going to file for legal separation.

I don't know what to believe anymore. Maybe she was telling the truth, but then she is the victim of the most unfortunate and odd set of circumstances ever.

Please relax. You've done nothing wrong and its not like she was fawning over you beforehand.

Just say you love her and are too invested to just ignore her unhappiness. You are doing all you can to find out what is upsetting her and will do anything she needs. If she brings up cleaning, don't snort with disbelief, just say 'sure thing' soothingly.

If you 'suck at snooping' it may be time to call in a professional.

Well I hope you feel special. They usually threaten divorce to scare you off. Never bother filing though.

I'm going to be NC for a while I think.

No she is sticking to the cheater's script exactly. One man was caught in bed with OW. He got up, got dressed, left for a few hours, came home and told his wife she'd been having hallucinations.

And threatened divorce. Yada yada.

What on earth do you mean?

This is the usual script. Right now she's using 6 and 7. When you get more she'll use 1 and 5.

Please answer these questions.