Seeking advice from others trying to reconcile - 04/22/15 06:12 PM
Background: Married my high school sweetheart. Only person I was ever with. Dated for seven years, been married for 16 years. Two teenage boys. Last January I discovered he had an affair for over six months with someone he worked with who is 12 years younger than me and who is also married. Even after discovery, he secretly continued the affair for over four more months. Even while I was extremely ill in the hospital with emergency surgery and even after I moved out and threatened divorce.
We�ve done counseling and are reconciling. He had a �miracle� revelation that caused him to do a complete 180. I have to give him credit that since that �revelation� he has been a completely different person�so remorseful�devastated by what he did. He is doing everything he can to make this up to me � but I think that is an impossible challenge � there is no making up for something like this�.he can�t take it back. He tries so hard that it seems he is using my healing as a measuring stick for his progress. That is frustrating. It�s like if I have a bad day or days because of dealing with all this, then it puts so much on him�he�s overwhelmed. At times, I just want to say: �join the club.� I have setbacks�lots�many tears that he doesn�t even know about. Sometimes, these fallback episodes last days and he knows why I am like this � he becomes overwhelmed and pushes hard to �fix me.� My only strategy right now is to just not even bring it up�pretend everything is �fine.�
Here�s my issue: I don�t ever see things returning to how they were. How could they, especially given that we were each other�s first and last and now that has changed for him. I trusted him with my life and while loving me with one arm, he stabbed me in the back with other all while telling me how much I meant to him. I am a different person. We are influenced by our experiences and how can something like this not change me?
I know his pain is real that he hurt me and is devastated by it, but I can�t help that. I didn�t make him make the choice to cheat. But, when he knows I am struggling and he gets overwhelmed he says things like, �but the person I am now�who I�ve showed you I am for the last year, doesn�t that help?� The answer is not really. Because that is what I expected in the first place. I expected a husband to not cheat no matter what. There is never going to be a good enough reason for making the conscious choice over and over again�he says he was depressed (which I believe); that he had issues, which I also believe. But that doesn�t give him the right to cheat or make it acceptable. Hell, talk about depressed and issues�boy do I have them now and it�s because of all this. Does that give me the right to go cheat on him�no.
My question for those who have tried reconciling...can a marriage ever return to how it was? Could you truly love a person again, with the same intensity and devotion, knowing they were the one who caused you the worst pain of your life? Can you just reached acceptance that �it is what it is�what�s done is done and its okay not to have that same pure love again?� or did you reach a point where you said �we tried. This was just too hard to get past and moved on�does the pain get any easier if you move on? Thanks in advance for any advice from others who�ve been through this. I am sorry for your pain too�no one should ever go through this.
We�ve done counseling and are reconciling. He had a �miracle� revelation that caused him to do a complete 180. I have to give him credit that since that �revelation� he has been a completely different person�so remorseful�devastated by what he did. He is doing everything he can to make this up to me � but I think that is an impossible challenge � there is no making up for something like this�.he can�t take it back. He tries so hard that it seems he is using my healing as a measuring stick for his progress. That is frustrating. It�s like if I have a bad day or days because of dealing with all this, then it puts so much on him�he�s overwhelmed. At times, I just want to say: �join the club.� I have setbacks�lots�many tears that he doesn�t even know about. Sometimes, these fallback episodes last days and he knows why I am like this � he becomes overwhelmed and pushes hard to �fix me.� My only strategy right now is to just not even bring it up�pretend everything is �fine.�
Here�s my issue: I don�t ever see things returning to how they were. How could they, especially given that we were each other�s first and last and now that has changed for him. I trusted him with my life and while loving me with one arm, he stabbed me in the back with other all while telling me how much I meant to him. I am a different person. We are influenced by our experiences and how can something like this not change me?
I know his pain is real that he hurt me and is devastated by it, but I can�t help that. I didn�t make him make the choice to cheat. But, when he knows I am struggling and he gets overwhelmed he says things like, �but the person I am now�who I�ve showed you I am for the last year, doesn�t that help?� The answer is not really. Because that is what I expected in the first place. I expected a husband to not cheat no matter what. There is never going to be a good enough reason for making the conscious choice over and over again�he says he was depressed (which I believe); that he had issues, which I also believe. But that doesn�t give him the right to cheat or make it acceptable. Hell, talk about depressed and issues�boy do I have them now and it�s because of all this. Does that give me the right to go cheat on him�no.
My question for those who have tried reconciling...can a marriage ever return to how it was? Could you truly love a person again, with the same intensity and devotion, knowing they were the one who caused you the worst pain of your life? Can you just reached acceptance that �it is what it is�what�s done is done and its okay not to have that same pure love again?� or did you reach a point where you said �we tried. This was just too hard to get past and moved on�does the pain get any easier if you move on? Thanks in advance for any advice from others who�ve been through this. I am sorry for your pain too�no one should ever go through this.