Background: Married my high school sweetheart. Only person I was ever with. Dated for seven years, been married for 16 years. Two teenage boys. Last January I discovered he had an affair for over six months with someone he worked with who is 12 years younger than me and who is also married. Even after discovery, he secretly continued the affair for over four more months. Even while I was extremely ill in the hospital with emergency surgery and even after I moved out and threatened divorce.

We�ve done counseling and are reconciling. He had a �miracle� revelation that caused him to do a complete 180. I have to give him credit that since that �revelation� he has been a completely different person�so remorseful�devastated by what he did. He is doing everything he can to make this up to me � but I think that is an impossible challenge � there is no making up for something like this�.he can�t take it back. He tries so hard that it seems he is using my healing as a measuring stick for his progress. That is frustrating. It�s like if I have a bad day or days because of dealing with all this, then it puts so much on him�he�s overwhelmed. At times, I just want to say: �join the club.� I have setbacks�lots�many tears that he doesn�t even know about. Sometimes, these fallback episodes last days and he knows why I am like this � he becomes overwhelmed and pushes hard to �fix me.� My only strategy right now is to just not even bring it up�pretend everything is �fine.�

Here�s my issue: I don�t ever see things returning to how they were. How could they, especially given that we were each other�s first and last and now that has changed for him. I trusted him with my life and while loving me with one arm, he stabbed me in the back with other all while telling me how much I meant to him. I am a different person. We are influenced by our experiences and how can something like this not change me?

I know his pain is real that he hurt me and is devastated by it, but I can�t help that. I didn�t make him make the choice to cheat. But, when he knows I am struggling and he gets overwhelmed he says things like, �but the person I am now�who I�ve showed you I am for the last year, doesn�t that help?� The answer is not really. Because that is what I expected in the first place. I expected a husband to not cheat no matter what. There is never going to be a good enough reason for making the conscious choice over and over again�he says he was depressed (which I believe); that he had issues, which I also believe. But that doesn�t give him the right to cheat or make it acceptable. Hell, talk about depressed and issues�boy do I have them now and it�s because of all this. Does that give me the right to go cheat on him�no.

My question for those who have tried reconciling...can a marriage ever return to how it was? Could you truly love a person again, with the same intensity and devotion, knowing they were the one who caused you the worst pain of your life? Can you just reached acceptance that �it is what it is�what�s done is done and its okay not to have that same pure love again?� or did you reach a point where you said �we tried. This was just too hard to get past and moved on�does the pain get any easier if you move on? Thanks in advance for any advice from others who�ve been through this. I am sorry for your pain too�no one should ever go through this.

Hi atgreen,
I am sorry that your find yourself in need of this type of support. To answer your question: "Yes, true romantic love can be restored." That is exactly what Dr. Harley's program aims to do. You will encounter reply's from this forum's members that have been in the exact same position as you, and yet were able to build a marriage that was better than before and they became more in love than before.

You may wish to get Dr. Harley's book Surviving an Affair (SAA) and read about they dynamics of how they form and how they can be broken up. Breaking up the affair is a prerequisite to recovery. You also need to snoop so your can have independent verification the affair is dead and not dormant or underground.

The Vets will be here in a bit to help get you rolling.

Good Luck!

Hello, atgreen, welcome to marriage builders. Yes, you can have a great marriage if you will do certain things. We do not strive to give you the marriage you had before, but something much better. And more than that, we teach you to affair proof your marriage. Most marriages do not recover from infidelity because they do not follow these specific steps. You don't have to be like that.

First off, has your husband quit his job or ended all contact with this OW? Here are the necessary steps to affair proof your marriage:



From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67

The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.

Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.

Was his affair exposed? Does the OW live/work close? Do they still work together?

Did your WH answer all questions that you had?

Welcome to MB.

Yes, it is possible to have a better marriage than ever before. Have you spent some time reading Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts? This site is chalk full of free material to learn from.

Welcome to MB. I'm so sorry for your pain, but happy that you found us.

Thank you MelodyLane for the reply. I just ordered his book; I wish I would have found this resource 14 months ago, when I first discovered the affair or even sooner than that. In terms of the checklist, we did just about everything wrong it seems.

WH revealed but only when caught red-handed or cornered and still tried to deny. He answered questions, but I have a feeling there is still much I don't know and never will. Some things just don't add up.

WH continued the affair even after I left the home but continued to deny it was going on again until I presented him with irrefutable evidence. He and she even conspired to lead me to believe I was crazy for believing such a thing could be possible. Making fun of me in the process.

WH never truly ended it besides "walking away"/ignoring her. But when she choose to pursue him after he, in his mind cut things off, he caved each time and went back to his ways with her. He never denied her. He never chose me over her. Since the last big blow-up, she hasn't tried again, probably out of fear of me. So there was never real closure to it, which makes me concerned he could be that vulnerable again. He certainly won't confront that now. And should he after all this time supposedly?

I think part of why it stopped was out of fear. I have true evidence, including photos that could be shared with her husband at any time. Plus for my husband, I am the primary wage earner by far. He had a great deal to lose. So there is a part of me because he never really chose me and it was more than sex between the two of them. It was emotional...they routinely told/text each other how much they loved each other and how important they were to each other. How they longed to be together.

Until three months ago, they still worked at the same place. Parked less than 100 feet apart. She has since been transferred to another facility...again not at his doing.


He did close all social media accounts. But they were so tricky during the affair. While I don't truly believe he still is in contact with her, the conspiracy was at such a high level, I never expected in the first place, now has me doubting all possibility. He does provide open access to his phone and whereabouts.

Because it wasn't just the affair discovery and then closure...this went on and on and the all the deceit..there is so much damage. And because of how and when it was done. His connection to her and affair was so powerful that he couldn't stop communicating with her even while I, his wife, was undergoing emergency surgery.

Perhaps because it wasn't a clean break and the fact that I was forced to discover this all myself before he'd admit, I know so many many gross details. This lag in making a decision to heal our marriage, even while undergoing counseling, has put us behind in the process. I have such a hard time recovering from the "facts" behind all this. I am hoping we aren't too late for this approach. Thanks again for taking time to reply.

The affair was exposed at some level to limited family and friends...had to because I moved out for about three months. The OW worked with him up until about three months ago, for a full year after the discovery. They parked less than 100 feet from each other. He answered the questions, but reluctantly and only truthfully and fully when I pressed with real evidence. I know some were not truthful...just doesn't add up. But after all the gross details I discovered myself that are not embedded on brain, I am not sure it matters. Everything is a trigger even after a full year since discovery. All that happened after discovery is/has impeded our reconciliation and my progress to heal. Thank you for welcoming me to this board. I appreciate hearing from others who've been / are going through this. I don't have a great support system to confide in.

Thank you blindsighted 2013. I can already tell there is lots of good information here and unfortunately stories of many others who have/are going through this devastating ordeal.

Her husband deserves to know everything you know. If the roles were reversed, and her husband had found all the evidence, would you want to know???

Please find a way to expose to everyone you can find on her side. Think of what you have been through, and she is able to coast through as if nothing has happened. The only way things like this fully heal, is when they are brought out into the light.

Another thing this would tell you, is if he is still communicating with her. You need to expose her without him knowing anything, and just wait. If they are still communicating in any way, then you will hear about it instantly.

Thank you roughneck. I have thought about that so much...almost obsessively. In one conversation about 2-3 months ago with my husband, I said something along the lines that if she ever tries again to reach out to him, I would not hesitate to contact her husband, his mom or other family member. Who I've tracked down. Her/his family live near them. His response disturbed me and still does, it was along the lines, "that if I did that, he wasn't sure he could face all this all over again; relive the embarrassment/dunce that he has to wear everyday" indicating that there would be consequences to our marriage. Interesting huh.

The only reason I haven't done that has been out of fear of what her husband might do. I don't know him, but know what I wanted to do when I learned about their affair. I don't know if he is the type of person that would show up at my house with my kids to confront my husband and potentially be dangerous.

At the same time, I have taken the high road in all of this and it is getting to me. I feel like such a doormat. I am the one left with the consequences. Nothing really has changed for him or for her. I do see him emotionally distressed about what he did, but in a way he should be. I certainly am.

If you don't expose her to her husband and family, then you are just asking for it to start back up again once things cool down. She has not faced any consequences, and of course your WH wouldn't want you to do it. Not because of the embarassment it may cause him, but because he still wants to protect her. You have nothing to fear. You are only telling the truth. Lies and deception are what started this whole mess. If you choose to not tell her husband, then you are just helping to further hide things, and sweep everything under the rug. Her husband deserves to know.

Welcome Atgreen. I am sorry for the pain you have been through You have found a great place for advice and support. The members of this forum give advice based on the teachings of Dr. Harley, who has been recovering marriages from infidelity for over 40 years.

The number one way to end an affair is by doing a full exposure. Please go to the Exposure 101 link in MelodyLane's post and read what that entails. Exposure is not done to punish the WS, but rather to garner support for the BS and to end the affair and make it much more difficult to continue it further underground, something you have already experienced.

The single greatest exposure target is the OW's BH. He is just as much a victim as you are. It is by NO MEANS 'taking the high road' to help two infidels cover their dirty little secret and hide it from their victim. He deserves to know the truth about his life, just as ALL of us BS's deserved to know. I am not sure what rationale you could tell yourself, as a BS, to keep this crime from him. If his house was being broken into, would you not tell him? Yet here is a much more intimate and devastating crime, yet you will keep it from him. PLEASE put him at the top of your exposure list!

Well no wonder you don't feel any better. That they worked together up until 3 months ago and had contact (to believe otherwise is foolish)...you never had a chance to recover under those circumstances. That OW is at another facility doesn't mean much either as it is still easy or them to contact one another.

You should expose the affair to the BH. He is THE most vital exposure target you have. And like you said you also hate that OW faces no consequences so it's a 2-for-1 thing although the BH should be informed no matter what. Actually it's the trifecta since it will make contact more difficult if her BH knows. Until you expose properly you will be spinning your wheels as you have been for over a year. Expose to her family.

Exposing to the BH is not only the right and decent thing to do, it is the best way you have to make sure this affair ends.

You are thinking 'but it has already ended.' IT HAS NOT. If your husband has ANY CONTACT whatsoever with her, it has not ended. It can easily resume at any moment.

The greatest EP to follow (from the list supplied to you by ML), is NO CONTA�T for life with the affair partner. The reason is because affairs are highly addictive, much like alcohol or drugs. Your husband was able to behave in ways you did not think possible while in his affair, just as he would if he were using drugs. He was protecting his addiction! That addiction does not end from 'fear' or from some realization, it ends when he no longer has contact with the AP. Just as an alcoholic cannot go into a bar and just avoid the drink in front of him because he is afraid of getting in trouble again, or because he resolves not to. Your husband will have a hard time seeing the OW and not being drawn back by his addiction.

This is why it is imperative that he no longer have contact with her. I know you said she transferred locations, but does he still see her at ANY time? This could mean that you have to change jobs, or even move, to stay away from her.

Exposing to her BH will help you considerably, because she also will be accountable and will have another set of eyes on her.

Exposure also helps YOU, the victim! You have just suffered a traumatic event in your marriage and your life. And you are expecting yourself to keep that a secret and carry on as if life is *fine.* Why?

If you lost a close family member or friend and were stricken with grief, if you just found out you had a serious illness, would you keep that a secret from the people who support you? OF COURSE NOT. Why on earth would you want to keep this a secret?

You are basically signing on to cover for your husbands crime, and hide your devastation and pain, for the rest of your life. To pretend this traumatic event did not happen. That will wear on you, physically and mentally. I am sure you have already seen the affects of this

Traditional marriage counseling can actually be more harmful than helpful, as most therapist have no idea how to recover a marriage from infidelity.

The fact that you have not been encouraged to expose the affair is evidence of this. The fact that your husband has not been required to end all contact with his OW is evidence of this. These are very basically steps to recovery, recovery CANNOT happen without them.

Exposure is done without asking your WH's permission, or informing him that you are doing it. Of course he is going to try to get you NOT to expose. It is not his decision to make. You have the right to tell people the truth about your life.

Do not use exposure as a bargaining chip, or threaten with it, anymore.

What family members have you exposed to? Did you tell your children about the affair?

The level of information and detail that you as a BS require about the A is up to you. Some BS's (me included) wanted to know everything, while others preferred to not know many of the details. You decide what level of information you need to recover. Have him write you a timeline of the A, with the level of detail you need, so you have all of your questions answered. After that, do not discuss the A anymore.

If you do not feel that he is honest with his information, you can make it a condition of your recovery that he take a polygraph to confirm the information he gives you. Many of us have done this, it is a way for him to prove to you that he has given you all the information, and for you to start with a clean slate knowing that there are no more secrets.

The information that you DO need to have, are the conditions that allowed this A to take place. Such as, how he met OW, how they communicated secretly, etc. This is so that you can change these conditions to make sure it is next to impossible for him to ever have an A with this or any OW ever again.

This is an example of the addictive nature of the A. Yes he IS vulnerable to starting up this A again, which is why you need to follow the EP list and make sure there is no contact for life, and no avenue for him to continue the A.