My story is long and I'm beyond ashamed to even write all the nasty details, but I'm desperate for help.When I think of all that I've done to my husband I feel like it is beyond forgiveness. I've been to this site many times and have ignored advice given, rolled my eyes at the rigid ness of the suggestions and here I am, feeling the worst pain I've ever experienced. So I'm ready to finally try to work this program, but I'm afraid it may be too late.
My h and I have been married for almost 20 years. He had 2 previous affairs and actually this site helped me deal with getting past the second affair. Unfortunately, we did not put in to practice the principles suggested to continue to build and protect our marriage. There are lots of things that lead up to the situation, but in short I entered into an affair that lasted approximately 18 months off and on. I lied and lied and basically developed a double life. It wasn't so much the man I was with but I started feeling like I was living out a fantasy version of myself that I could never have with my husband. I was completely hooked. When my husband discovered the affair I came clean after a little prodding and answered all his questions and disclosed all he asked. I sent a letter of no contact, but little exposure was done. I was in a complete fog. I was remorseful that I had hurt my husband, but I fell into a depression with the realization of what I had done. Over the course of the next 6 months I had sporadic email contact, but did not and have not seen him since. Unfortunately, the fog and subsequent depression made me completely check out of my marriage. My husband was willing to work through it and tried to meet all my needs and I was not receptive. I convinced myself that if I had done something so horrible, it must mean my marriage was not good and I was not happy. In June of this year my husband discovered I had a phone conversation with my AP. He decided to finally reveal to my AP wife. This sent me into a panic mode and I felt like I was tired of just the drama of feeling guilty, making bad choices and dealing with it all, so I decided to separate from my husband. I really thought it was for the best, my husband deserved to be happy, I wasn't happy even after my husband was doing everything he could possibly do. It was a rash impulsive decision. I regretted it about a week after I moved out. I have had no contact with AP or anyone since, and I miss my husband horribly. It's like all the emotions that I had been numb to over the last 6 months have finally coming through. And of course, now my husband is retreating from me. I have hurt him and turned away from him while he worked so hard to be the best husband he could be. He's not sure he can let me back in his life after all that I've done, the leaving him was the last straw. I am now ready to do whatever it takes, but I don't know if he's willing to anymore. Is there still any hope for me?

You should be ready to do whatever it takes regardless of any benefit to your relationship, just for the sole and simple purpose of turning your life around.

So, according to MB rules, the moment you're were on the phone with your affair partner, that meant your affair was back om again.

So, what are here to fix?

LTL

Don't ask us, ask him! He is entirely within his rights to end the marriage at this point since the affair never ended. And shame on him for waiting all this time to tell the OM's wife. Now she can protect herself from your interference in her marriage.

I am wanting and willing to turn my life around. Believe me, I know I've f'd up and I do want to do what's right.

I agree, I was total wrong in even speaking to him and am determine,d for myself to never again. I have deleted the email account he would contact me through and will change my cell number.

I have asked him what I can do and right now he doesn't know.

I am here because I know that somehow others have managed to get there life back on track after doing serious harm to their spouse and their marriage. I know he has every right to divorce me and would probably be better off. However,I am going to continue to try to show him I am serious and love him in any way that he can accept right now until he serves me with divorce papers.

Did you write a NC Letter and have your BH send it?

Have you changed ALL contact information?

What were the avenues that you used to conduct your affair, besides email? Any social networking?

How do you know OM?

We solely communicated through email. With the exception of 2 phone calls the entire span. We met online. He lives approx. 90 miles away.
I have no contact with him in my life.

I did write a no contact letter back in Dec. with my husband and yet contact was made.
I ended things completely and told him I was done and ended things again but I don't know if you'd call it a true no contact letter, but I know after his wife was told I told him no more and deleted how we would contact each other.

Will your BH come here?

Do you know what just compensation is?

What is Just Compensation?

Please tell us what you have done from this list?

What as your BH said he needs from you?

From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67

The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.


Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.

Right now my BH does not want to engage with me regarding our relationship. His father passed away last Saturday and he is understandably trying to deal with that. We've agreed to not talk about where our relationship is or what he even wants to work on things for at least a couple weeks. I am trying to be supportive of where he is without pushing myself and my needs on him right now.

My plan is to read as much as I can from here and hopefully have a plan to discuss with him if and when he is ready.
I will read the article on compensation.

Regarding the checklist...
- affair has been revealed
- I have made a commitment to never see or have contact with the AP again
-I'm not sure if there's a need to do the no contact letter, I have ended things and requested no contact already and deleted all forms of contact
- as for accounting for time and money, we are living separetely and he says he doesn't care what I do at this point. And I guess the other things on the list will depend on my BH willingness when he can figure things out.

I would suggest you arrange to have a polygraph. Make a timeline of the entire affair up until NOW since contact never ended. Give it to your BH and ask him to provide you with ANY questions he may have regarding the affair. Answer those questions truthfully. Have your BH work with the polygraph examiner to decide which questions to ask on your polygraph to gauge your truthfulness.

The reason I suggest this is because I do not believe your story. I think after being discovered the first time, you just went underground and continued contact. I think that when your BH found out about the continued contact, and disclosed to OM's wife, you moved out to be with OM. But then he chose his wife! So what to do, what to do, I know....go back to your BH! Only now he is done and you are stuck with no one.

If I don't believe your story, its a very good chance he doesn't either.

Who has the affair been exposed to?

DITTO

I am willing to do that. I will work on looking into that and writing the timeline as much as I can recall.

I do admit I did go underground in a sense, but I had not seen him, not that that makes a difference. I tried several times and was always caved.

I did not move out to be with OM, I always knew he would never ever leave his wife...that was never ever part of the plan. But I felt so guilty about my actions and my inability to commit fully to my marriage that I thought I needed to clear my head and have some space for awhile to decide what I needed. Yes, I know it was just as selfish.

I can see that people here are not really interested in helping me. I will try to do as suggested and just keep trying to give my BH space and move on if thats what he wants cause I know you all are right and he has every right to do that. I do.

People have posted two pages of replies to you, why do say nobody is interested in helping you?

Some of the questions posted you have not even bothered to answer.

This makes me feel that you are not serious and are not ready to do whatever it takes.

I am not intentionally avoiding questions. Affair has been exposed to spouses, friends and family.

At this point I wonder should I allow him time to figure out if he even wants to work on the marriage, or should I approach him with the request along with the checklist of what I'm willing to do, the timeline and polygraph offer?

***EDIT***

Thank you Tom. I can and will do just that.

So did you offer the poly?

And I agree with unwritten, you say we aren't interested in helping you after we've given you advice?? I am sure this is how you show your BH you're sorry by moving out?? Why don't you move back if you want to be with your BH?

Why don't you email Dr. Harley if you don't think the forum isn't helping?

Dr. Harley would probably encourage you to visit your physician and request anti-depressants so you can think clearly during this time.

I apologize for saying people weren't interested in helping me, I know I'm being defensive and really am trying to accept what I have coming to me with grace.

I have not yet offered the poly as we have agreed to not really talk about working on our relationship yet.

I know it was clearly wrong to move out, however at the time I made an impulsive decision thinking I needed to figure things out, get space, blah blah blah...yes, I know it sounds like selfish excuses and I see that is what it wasnow, but it really was my intention. It is not a reasonable excuse, but at the time I was feeling so guilty that I was still feeling conflicted and was being brought back into it all that I knew my husband and my marriage deserved better.

I would love to move right back in, unfortunately that is not possible, which I'm sure is what I deserve. We were living in my in laws house...when I moved out, my in laws moved back in with my husband. Now that my father in law has passed away my husband needs to be there for his mom and there is no room for my son and myself to move back in. If we are to reconcile, my husband will either need to move in here with me, or we will need to find a new place. Yes, I've created a gigantic mess.
I went to the dr yesterday and I am on some anti depressants. Thank you.

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I highly recommend you go home asap. He is vulnerable to an affair, likely needing support in this difficult time. And you need to be accountable for your where-abouts, which is easier to do if you are home all the time.

You do not have to create drama. Just show up and go to work helping out.

Be calm and focused. But being away from home is too dangerous. You need to give up the affair pad to prove sincerity. (even if you never used it for the affair, that is how the place will be perceived.)

Don't discuss the affair with family except to say it was wrong and you want to support your H now.

He should expose it at some point soon.

i will attempt to do that.
I am worried about his vulnerability to others right now also, which I know is completely hypocritical of me.
I talked to him yesterday evening a little. I told him I'm willing to take a polygraph and take all the necessary precautions to prevent any contact or sneakiness. I told him I don't expect him to blindly trust me and everything will be fine but to let me prove myself and build a relationship where it's impossible for this to happen again.
We have his fathers service tomorrow, then he and his mom are traveling out of state for a service in his home town. He will be gone for a week and he said he plans to try to do a lot of thinking during this time and we can try to discuss our situation when he returns. That's more than I've gotten from him before, so I'm trying to think positively.

Is there a reason you can't go with him?

I'm still super frustrated and wondering if anyone has positive suggestions for me. I did download the radio app and have been listening and intent on sending an email to the program when I figure out how to word it all.

My Husband came back from out of state and while he's been cordial to me and we've had a few good talked he is still not sure if he wants to remain married to me. He says it's hard for him to get past the images of my betrayal and that when I separated it totally broke him. I'm sure some of his pain and anger have to do with the death of his father so I'm trying to remember that. But right up until the time I went from being in my fog and ambivalent about what I wanted he was doing anything and everything to save our marriage...then the moment I came to my senses and realized I screwed up and wanted my marriage, he put on the brakes. I understand it what I did cant be erased and I hurt him terribly, but this whole time he's been all about trying to work it out. I have done the checklist the best as I can while we are separated, but he just doesn't seem to care. He says he wants me to be happy, he doesn't want to hurt me, but he's not sure there is a future for us.
So....I've been trying to do a form of plan a, even though I know it's more for the betrayed spouse to do to ws, but it's difficult because we are not living together and he doesn't really engage with me right now. Do I just give him time and space? I know he is susceptible to an affair right now and that concerns me, but there is really nothing I feel I can do. Is this just the consequences of my actions and I'm going to need to just deal with it? Do I try a plan b?

Also just want to add I in no way expect my husband to just welcome me back with open arms and we go back to how it was.

I've mentioned following this programe to restore a truly romantic love. I've sent him articles. I've offered to go through the online course and put it on my credit card and if it works great and if not, no loss for him. I am prepared to do whatever I need to. I know I screwed up, but I am truly sincerely remorseful, but none of it seems to matter

Plan B is for the betrayed spouse and would be extremely inappropriate for you. That would surely spell the end.

You need to respect his right to leave the marriage if he chooses. He has a right to leave the marriage if that is his decision.

You can Plan A him from afar, but it is his choice if he wants to restore your marriage or divorce. Keep doing what you are doing, offer him transparency, polygraph, etc and Plan A him even if he does not ask for or say he wants it. But ultimately, it may not be enough and he may still choose to divorce.

Since he has a history of A's and is very vulnerable to one, I am concerned he may be going down this path. Do have any access at all to his life to snoop?

I realize it's his right to divorce, I was hoping there might be something I could do. I'll just continue to be as open honest and transparent as possible while he sorts his stuff out. I told him that until I'm served with papers I'll continue to hold out hope and maintain my life in a way a married woman would.

I really have no access to him right now. He has come over a few times and I've met him at his work too talk but I'd have no way to really find out if he is talking to anyone else.

Thats all you can do. Besides respecting his decision whatever that may be.

The last I posted was over a year ago...hoping for some new advice.
My husband and I have been separated since June of 2015. There have been periods where we have both thought we were headed for divorce but neither of us have filed. And while I'm glad he hasn't filed I feel like we are not working on things either and developing very separate lives. I don't want to give up on him, I do feel like he's entitled to as long as it takes, but what can I do to help get my marriage back on track? We are talking on friendly terms, but not really discussing the state of our relationship. When he talks about his future he doesn't include me in it and does admit he's enjoying being single. When do I know I should just move on, or do I just wait and see if he ever is able to forgive?
And just for the record, I have maintained no contact with my affair partner.

Your FWH is not 'single,' and neither are you. Until you are divorced you are married.

Have either of you been dating other people in the last year?

What does your H say about the marriage, what is preventing him from rebuilding it?