Dear All,
I wish I had found this forum when the seeds of betrayal were sown 7 years or so ago.

my WS and I worked for the same organisation and in the same office and i caught him sexting an OW, who he claimed he just met(bla bla bla), a few days later i felt that this was way to deep to be some random thing and I snooped and found out they knew each other. I confronted him, he apologised and promised to break off contact. I was pregnant with our first child. I later found because I was still suspicious that he hadnt broken anything off and they were still chatting as 'friends'. i also found out he had slept at her house. He promised adn promised and I fell for it.

anyway, he moved away to a remote job and I declined to follow due to the fact that I had a small child and no job in that area. He stayed there for about two years and then I got pregnant again and received a text from someone about him cheating with another OW, which I confronted him (he gave me some story) and life was more or less ok until my third child was born - where I got tired of not being allowed to touch his mobile devices. I managed to get his phone and called his OW. this OW then called his mom, who took him to task. I thought it was done.

MY WS is in another town as he is studying, and I declined to go with him (my argument was - i didnt want to be sitting at home while he enjoyed himself 20km away with whoever female caught his fancy, keeping meals warm etc and then accused of making him fail).

So last week I managed to take a sneak peak at his phones again, I found that he had two girlfriends, and a baby with one of them. This is after assurances he made to me that he had stopped communicating with women two years ago. I was upset.I couldn't send the conversations to myself because of wonky internet and he woke up soon after demanding his phones. he then confronted me after reading my phone message log ( I had outed him to a few of my closest friends). he basically said I had no evidence adn if he told my friends that I had left him to go to school alone, then i would be the butt of their jokes and laughter because I couldn't hang on to my husband.

of course I did everything wrong. anyway, I am a bit too angry right now to write down all the details, but suffice to say - I am waiting on some evidence. In my country, my culture: exposure is not an option. Apparently it is expected that men will stray and women should not because a man straying will not break the home. I have a friend who exposed on Facebook and she was immediately contacted and told not to air dirty linen in public. I am so torn - and it looks like there may even be a baby involved.

He seems willing to make things work, but how do you get past 10 years of lies (we've been married 10 years, I dont know when he started lying). I cant believe anything that comes out of his mouth now.

BW 36
WS 40
3 kids 6,4,2

Hi Choshi, welcome to Marriage Builders. I am sure you could expose to family and friends via phone call, facebook PM's and email. When your friend exposed on facebook, WHO told her not to expose the affair there? How did she expose it?

The way you get past 10 years of lies is your husband making a radical change in his lifestyle. You should set up your lifestyles so you are never apart over night and his life is so transparent that he could not possibly conduct the necessary secret second life. If he won't do those things, then you should separate frmo him.

I would suggest downloading the book Surviving an Affair and reading it. Please read this checklist.

From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67

The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.


Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.

Everybody had that happen when they exposed. You add the person's name to the 'do not let them near our recovered marriage/me' list and you've used exposure to good effect: weeding affair supporters from marriage supporters. I guarantee that person is having/had their own affair.

I know that your culture has a large number of people who support adultery because every culture does. Take another look at romantic Hollywood movies: mostly about how wonderful adultery is! It's massively common for people to have affairs and they then go on to spread their word and hush up yours. 40pc of marriages experience affairs.

If there really WAS a culture which supports adultery, they wouldn't object to exposure. It would be like saying 'my husband eats oranges!' The response would be: so what?

I'd be more convinced that such a culture exists if your friend's exposure target had said: Cool, me too!

Your culture also created you and you are clearly horrified at adultery. Where there is one of you there is more. Find them!

Last but not least, if this 100pc pro adultery culture really did exist, recovery in this marriage/fidelity in any remarriage would be essentially impossible. So I'd test the theory before you either a) emigrate or b) commit to celibacy.

No culture has discovered a way for it to not hurt. Hurt is an understatement.




If there was a

Thank you for your responses - I have been off line. My WS confessed and all my suspicions were true. I guess exposure was a bit off as it seems I was the only one sleeping - his family knows about it. I told my family. Now my question is to stay or go. He appears remorseful, but...

and then there is the issue of the child...

Being remorseful changes nothing.

Both you and your wayward husband have to commit to a lifestyle that will make affairs impossible. You can never be separated overnight. You have to have total transparency, where you know he isn't up to anything because there is no way that he could be. And, he will have to sever all connections with the OC. Your marriage can not survive without that.

Thank you for the prompt response mrEureka. Maybe that is the reason why I feel we are not moving anywhere fast - he still hasn't moved back home from school (it takes a while for transfers to go through, but it just feels like he is protecting the OW). I will keep the forum updated, but I'm still going up and down between bitter woman and 'lets see how it goes' woman

Will he commit to a recovery plan? Will he do the things on the checklist that MelodyLane posted to you?

Who did you expose to on OW's side?

He is going to have to choose between being a husband to you or a father to the child. He must drop all contact with the former girlfriends and their children or your marriage will not recover.

Seriously??? ^^^ This is remorseful?

Your H is a long, term serial cheater and isn't remorseful at all.

Expose his affairs and you will see just how willing he is to try and salvage the marriage. I personally would not stay but if you want to have even a slim chance, you need to start with exposure and not cover up his adultery. Sorry for your pain.

I agree. EXPOSE him to everyone. EVERYONE. Friends...family...coworkers...employer if it's a work place affair. Don't wait...don't worry about repercussions, he's the cheater. I just did the exposure to my WH friends and family and I wished I'd done it sooner. You didn't force him to cheat. You were not part of that decision. Don't let him rob you of your pride and dignity by hiding the affairs...it only enables him to continue in bad behavior. Take back YOUR power and control for yourself and your kids if you have them. Affairs only thrive in the dark...pop the fantasy bubble and bring reality crashing down upon his head. You need to expose him. Reality isn't as fun as all his secrets. I'm sorry youre going thru this.

In fact...when I sent all my exposure letters...emails and Facebook private messages this past Sunday....I felt EMPOWERED! Like I didn't have a say in your decision but you can't keep me from blowing the lid off yer little secret. Felt sooooo good! Careful to check your motive before doing it. Hatred...vindictiveness and bitterness are not good reasons to expose. While normal emotions...the point of exposure is to bring what's in the dark...into the light...REALITY! Check out the exposure letter templates and use them as a guide if you decide to go that route!

Oh Black Raven! I can laugh now. the episode you highlight came bout 10 days before the confession. The remorse is being spoken about now almost 20 days after the confession (which I don't believe either). I am sorry, it feels so hectic in my brain - I cant get things straight in timeline. What I am worried about also is how 'bla' I feel. I mean he did this to me almost two years back!Is it normal to feel like this?

Could you please answer these questions??

I am sorry Always looking up - I just read your messages. It seems like I am the only Jew in Jerusalem - everyone seems to know his dirty little secret except me. His friends, my friends, his family are all aware...His brothers know about it - It kinda blew up in his face. Another story (It is so ridiculous and I feel so stupid)

Send that letter to the OW. Don't be afraid. I know it feels weird but do it! Send it via snail mail...email...FB...you can do it!

It took me nearly 2 mo to send my exposure letters and I wish I had found this site and information sooner. Even with the info...it still took me a good 3wks to muster up the nerve to do it. Don't wait.

They don't know the full story.- his lies and your offer to build a better marriage. People will likely feel more free to say what they really think if you ask for their support. Most people feel strongly about the wrongness of adultery.

You haven't exposed on the OW's side and so your exposure is only half done. This needs to be wrapped up. Trickle exposure doesn't work well so you needs to get this done ASAP.

When will you be exposing to OW's side?

Thanks for the responses and advice,and encouragement. He has agreed to the terms of the checklist. I will work on the exposure letters.

Bravo to Always for exposing! I wanted to add that the necessity of exposure supercedes any "vindictiveness and bitterness." That can't be used as an excuse not to expose. We don't care if you are bitter, we care that you do the right things for your marriage and exposure is the most important first step towards recovery. Our motivation is to save the marriage.

I would add that bitterness is typically a natural reaction to being so mistreated so I wouldn't be so concerned about that.

nacho, you had inquired about why exposure is necessary after an affair has ended. And there are many reasons. One of the main reasons is that the more people who know, the more people to hold the affairee accountable. Affairs thrive on secrecy, so the more people who know, the less attractive the affair seems. This is why Dr Harley reccommends exposure even in affairs that are discovered years after they have ended.

In your case, it looks like the affair has not been exposed to the OW's family. Doing so will keep her away and ruin any hopes she has of resuming the affair in the future and bringing your husband into her life.

Also, you don't send a letter to the OW so I don't know why that advice was given. The exposure letters go to the family of the OW. You might want to call the OW and speak to her afterwards if you haven't already and tell her to stay the hell away.

Melody Lane - Thank you. Your response has been so objective and this is now my next step to deal with, because i found pictures of him and the OW adn the OC on his phone.

does anyone know where I can get a template of the exposure letter for the OW family? I would really appreciate it thanks.

It's in here Exposure 101

FACEBOOK EXPOSURE INSTRUCTIONS TO OM/OW CONTACTS


Should be done to the OM/OW�s facebook friends via private message. This is a very, very effective exposure because it is a collection of the OP�s closest friends and family.

SPACE THE PM�S OUT 60 SECONDS APART SO FB DOES NOT SHUT YOU DOWN FOR FLOODING. Before you begin, copy and paste all the contacts into a WORD doc. Change your fb picture to a picture of you and your spouse and children.


Dear friend of JoeScumbag:

It grieves me to write this letter but I believe all of his friends should know the kind of person he really is. Joe had an affair with my wife, Sally, from Aug until September. I believe that his friends should know this, so you can protect your marriage from him. My wife and I have 2 small daughters and this affair has almost wrecked our marriage.

I would appreciate it if someone would notify his parents and ask them to call me at xxx-www-xxxx.

Thank you, BH

***********************


Dear friend of Skankyhola,

It grieves me to write this letter but I believe all of her friends should be aware that OW is having an affair with my husband, Joe. We have been married for 5 years. They have been having this affair since October according to the evidence.

I would ask that you use your influence with OW to persuade her to leave my husband alone. You should also watch your own husbands around her because she is no friend to marriage.

I would appreciate it if someone would notify her parents and ask them to call me at xxx-www-xxxx.
Thank you, BW

Do it...I still think my letter...which is loosely based...much longer than these templates...had a HUGE impact on both the OW and WH! Don't delay!!!