Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our discussion forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 1 of 2 1 2
Joined: Dec 2015
Posts: 10
N
nacho Offline OP
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
N
Joined: Dec 2015
Posts: 10
Dear All,
I wish I had found this forum when the seeds of betrayal were sown 7 years or so ago.

my WS and I worked for the same organisation and in the same office and i caught him sexting an OW, who he claimed he just met(bla bla bla), a few days later i felt that this was way to deep to be some random thing and I snooped and found out they knew each other. I confronted him, he apologised and promised to break off contact. I was pregnant with our first child. I later found because I was still suspicious that he hadnt broken anything off and they were still chatting as 'friends'. i also found out he had slept at her house. He promised adn promised and I fell for it.

anyway, he moved away to a remote job and I declined to follow due to the fact that I had a small child and no job in that area. He stayed there for about two years and then I got pregnant again and received a text from someone about him cheating with another OW, which I confronted him (he gave me some story) and life was more or less ok until my third child was born - where I got tired of not being allowed to touch his mobile devices. I managed to get his phone and called his OW. this OW then called his mom, who took him to task. I thought it was done.

MY WS is in another town as he is studying, and I declined to go with him (my argument was - i didnt want to be sitting at home while he enjoyed himself 20km away with whoever female caught his fancy, keeping meals warm etc and then accused of making him fail).

So last week I managed to take a sneak peak at his phones again, I found that he had two girlfriends, and a baby with one of them. This is after assurances he made to me that he had stopped communicating with women two years ago. I was upset.I couldn't send the conversations to myself because of wonky internet and he woke up soon after demanding his phones. he then confronted me after reading my phone message log ( I had outed him to a few of my closest friends). he basically said I had no evidence adn if he told my friends that I had left him to go to school alone, then i would be the butt of their jokes and laughter because I couldn't hang on to my husband.

of course I did everything wrong. anyway, I am a bit too angry right now to write down all the details, but suffice to say - I am waiting on some evidence. In my country, my culture: exposure is not an option. Apparently it is expected that men will stray and women should not because a man straying will not break the home. I have a friend who exposed on Facebook and she was immediately contacted and told not to air dirty linen in public. I am so torn - and it looks like there may even be a baby involved.

He seems willing to make things work, but how do you get past 10 years of lies (we've been married 10 years, I dont know when he started lying). I cant believe anything that comes out of his mouth now.

BW 36
WS 40
3 kids 6,4,2

Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Originally Posted By: choshi1
He seems willing to make things work, but how do you get past 10 years of lies (we've been married 10 years, I dont know when he started lying). I cant believe anything that comes out of his mouth now.


Hi Choshi, welcome to Marriage Builders. I am sure you could expose to family and friends via phone call, facebook PM's and email. When your friend exposed on facebook, WHO told her not to expose the affair there? How did she expose it?

The way you get past 10 years of lies is your husband making a radical change in his lifestyle. You should set up your lifestyles so you are never apart over night and his life is so transparent that he could not possibly conduct the necessary secret second life. If he won't do those things, then you should separate frmo him.

I would suggest downloading the book Surviving an Affair and reading it. Please read this checklist.

From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67

The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.


Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,650
I
Member
Offline
Member
I
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,650
Originally Posted By: choshi1
In my country, my culture: exposure is not an option. Apparently it is expected that men will stray and women should not because a man straying will not break the home. I have a friend who exposed on Facebook and she was immediately contacted and told not to air dirty linen in public.



Everybody had that happen when they exposed. You add the person's name to the 'do not let them near our recovered marriage/me' list and you've used exposure to good effect: weeding affair supporters from marriage supporters. I guarantee that person is having/had their own affair.

I know that your culture has a large number of people who support adultery because every culture does. Take another look at romantic Hollywood movies: mostly about how wonderful adultery is! It's massively common for people to have affairs and they then go on to spread their word and hush up yours. 40pc of marriages experience affairs.

If there really WAS a culture which supports adultery, they wouldn't object to exposure. It would be like saying 'my husband eats oranges!' The response would be: so what?

I'd be more convinced that such a culture exists if your friend's exposure target had said: Cool, me too!

Your culture also created you and you are clearly horrified at adultery. Where there is one of you there is more. Find them!

Last but not least, if this 100pc pro adultery culture really did exist, recovery in this marriage/fidelity in any remarriage would be essentially impossible. So I'd test the theory before you either a) emigrate or b) commit to celibacy.

No culture has discovered a way for it to not hurt. Hurt is an understatement.




If there was a


What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

Joined: Dec 2015
Posts: 10
N
nacho Offline OP
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
N
Joined: Dec 2015
Posts: 10
Thank you for your responses - I have been off line. My WS confessed and all my suspicions were true. I guess exposure was a bit off as it seems I was the only one sleeping - his family knows about it. I told my family. Now my question is to stay or go. He appears remorseful, but...

Joined: Dec 2015
Posts: 10
N
nacho Offline OP
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
N
Joined: Dec 2015
Posts: 10
and then there is the issue of the child...

Joined: Aug 2011
Posts: 1,432
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Aug 2011
Posts: 1,432
Being remorseful changes nothing.

Both you and your wayward husband have to commit to a lifestyle that will make affairs impossible. You can never be separated overnight. You have to have total transparency, where you know he isn't up to anything because there is no way that he could be. And, he will have to sever all connections with the OC. Your marriage can not survive without that.


me-65
wife-61
married for 40 years
DS - 38, autistic, lives at home
DD - 37, married and on her own
DS - 32, still living with us
Joined: Dec 2015
Posts: 10
N
nacho Offline OP
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
N
Joined: Dec 2015
Posts: 10
Thank you for the prompt response mrEureka. Maybe that is the reason why I feel we are not moving anywhere fast - he still hasn't moved back home from school (it takes a while for transfers to go through, but it just feels like he is protecting the OW). I will keep the forum updated, but I'm still going up and down between bitter woman and 'lets see how it goes' woman

Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,319
Likes: 3
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,319
Likes: 3
Originally Posted By: nacho
Thank you for the prompt response mrEureka. Maybe that is the reason why I feel we are not moving anywhere fast - he still hasn't moved back home from school (it takes a while for transfers to go through, but it just feels like he is protecting the OW). I will keep the forum updated, but I'm still going up and down between bitter woman and 'lets see how it goes' woman


Will he commit to a recovery plan? Will he do the things on the checklist that MelodyLane posted to you?

Who did you expose to on OW's side?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,806
Likes: 7
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,806
Likes: 7
Originally Posted By: nacho
and then there is the issue of the child...


He is going to have to choose between being a husband to you or a father to the child. He must drop all contact with the former girlfriends and their children or your marriage will not recover.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 17 years, who is a beautiful angel.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 6,108
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 6,108
Originally Posted By: nacho
he then confronted me after reading my phone message log ( I had outed him to a few of my closest friends). he basically said I had no evidence adn if he told my friends that I had left him to go to school alone, then i would be the butt of their jokes and laughter because I couldn't hang on to my husband.


Seriously??? ^^^ This is remorseful? crazy

Your H is a long, term serial cheater and isn't remorseful at all.

Expose his affairs and you will see just how willing he is to try and salvage the marriage. I personally would not stay but if you want to have even a slim chance, you need to start with exposure and not cover up his adultery. Sorry for your pain.


BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011




Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.

We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
Joined: Dec 2015
Posts: 428
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Dec 2015
Posts: 428
I agree. EXPOSE him to everyone. EVERYONE. Friends...family...coworkers...employer if it's a work place affair. Don't wait...don't worry about repercussions, he's the cheater. I just did the exposure to my WH friends and family and I wished I'd done it sooner. You didn't force him to cheat. You were not part of that decision. Don't let him rob you of your pride and dignity by hiding the affairs...it only enables him to continue in bad behavior. Take back YOUR power and control for yourself and your kids if you have them. Affairs only thrive in the dark...pop the fantasy bubble and bring reality crashing down upon his head. You need to expose him. Reality isn't as fun as all his secrets. I'm sorry youre going thru this.

Last edited by Alwayslookingup; 01/13/16 10:31 PM.

BW, me - 44
WH - 47
Married 2.5yrs
EA 6-2015 estimate
PA 9-2015 estimate
D-day 11-22-2015
WH filed divorce 11-23-2015
Exposure 1-10-2016
Joined: Dec 2015
Posts: 428
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Dec 2015
Posts: 428
In fact...when I sent all my exposure letters...emails and Facebook private messages this past Sunday....I felt EMPOWERED! Like I didn't have a say in your decision but you can't keep me from blowing the lid off yer little secret. Felt sooooo good! Careful to check your motive before doing it. Hatred...vindictiveness and bitterness are not good reasons to expose. While normal emotions...the point of exposure is to bring what's in the dark...into the light...REALITY! Check out the exposure letter templates and use them as a guide if you decide to go that route!


BW, me - 44
WH - 47
Married 2.5yrs
EA 6-2015 estimate
PA 9-2015 estimate
D-day 11-22-2015
WH filed divorce 11-23-2015
Exposure 1-10-2016
Joined: Dec 2015
Posts: 10
N
nacho Offline OP
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
N
Joined: Dec 2015
Posts: 10
Oh Black Raven! I can laugh now. the episode you highlight came bout 10 days before the confession. The remorse is being spoken about now almost 20 days after the confession (which I don't believe either). I am sorry, it feels so hectic in my brain - I cant get things straight in timeline. What I am worried about also is how 'bla' I feel. I mean he did this to me almost two years back!Is it normal to feel like this?

Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,319
Likes: 3
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,319
Likes: 3
Originally Posted By: BrainHurts
Originally Posted By: nacho
Thank you for the prompt response mrEureka. Maybe that is the reason why I feel we are not moving anywhere fast - he still hasn't moved back home from school (it takes a while for transfers to go through, but it just feels like he is protecting the OW). I will keep the forum updated, but I'm still going up and down between bitter woman and 'lets see how it goes' woman


Will he commit to a recovery plan? Will he do the things on the checklist that MelodyLane posted to you?

Who did you expose to on OW's side?

Could you please answer these questions??


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



Joined: Dec 2015
Posts: 10
N
nacho Offline OP
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
N
Joined: Dec 2015
Posts: 10
I am sorry Always looking up - I just read your messages. It seems like I am the only Jew in Jerusalem - everyone seems to know his dirty little secret except me. His friends, my friends, his family are all aware...His brothers know about it - It kinda blew up in his face. Another story (It is so ridiculous and I feel so stupid)

Joined: Dec 2015
Posts: 428
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Dec 2015
Posts: 428
Send that letter to the OW. Don't be afraid. I know it feels weird but do it! Send it via snail mail...email...FB...you can do it!


BW, me - 44
WH - 47
Married 2.5yrs
EA 6-2015 estimate
PA 9-2015 estimate
D-day 11-22-2015
WH filed divorce 11-23-2015
Exposure 1-10-2016
Joined: Dec 2015
Posts: 428
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Dec 2015
Posts: 428
It took me nearly 2 mo to send my exposure letters and I wish I had found this site and information sooner. Even with the info...it still took me a good 3wks to muster up the nerve to do it. Don't wait.


BW, me - 44
WH - 47
Married 2.5yrs
EA 6-2015 estimate
PA 9-2015 estimate
D-day 11-22-2015
WH filed divorce 11-23-2015
Exposure 1-10-2016
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 1,842
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 1,842
They don't know the full story.- his lies and your offer to build a better marriage. People will likely feel more free to say what they really think if you ask for their support. Most people feel strongly about the wrongness of adultery.

Last edited by apples123; 01/14/16 10:33 AM. Reason: autocorrect issues
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,319
Likes: 3
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,319
Likes: 3
Originally Posted By: nacho
I am sorry Always looking up - I just read your messages. It seems like I am the only Jew in Jerusalem - everyone seems to know his dirty little secret except me. His friends, my friends, his family are all aware...His brothers know about it - It kinda blew up in his face. Another story (It is so ridiculous and I feel so stupid)

You haven't exposed on the OW's side and so your exposure is only half done. This needs to be wrapped up. Trickle exposure doesn't work well so you needs to get this done ASAP.

When will you be exposing to OW's side?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



Joined: Dec 2015
Posts: 10
N
nacho Offline OP
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
N
Joined: Dec 2015
Posts: 10
Thanks for the responses and advice,and encouragement. He has agreed to the terms of the checklist. I will work on the exposure letters.

Page 1 of 2 1 2

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
1 members (OnTheRocks), 43 guests, and 62 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Alise245, CVT, Olivia 80, Brad344, Bobbyboy341
71,698 Registered Users
Forum Statistics
Forums67
Topics133,536
Posts2,322,686
Members71,699
Most Online3,185
Jan 27th, 2020
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2020, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.  |  Web Development by SunStar Media.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5