I understand this is probally covered under a different thread, but I am desparate.

Wife changed passwords on phone/ipad, doesn't talk to me anymore, check phone records and phone numerous calls of my boss calling her regulary after he get off of work. Confronted both, they both say nothing is going on.
Wife now want,s a divorce, there were other problem of communication leading up to this point lilke sleeping in separate beds, not a lot of time together.

we are both 44, both have been divorced once, no children in this present marriage, she sufferes from depression and counts on her parents for support more so than myself.

I would like to save this marriage because I know she is confused.

Please help in MI

Are you married? If so, how long?

We met march 2009, was married in aug 2014, everything went south 6 months ago. I can't be for certain there is an affair going on, but I know...well affairs can be emotional, and this is what might be happening.

I would not ask her if she is having an affair but quietly start snooping to find out what is going on. You can get a voice activated recorder and put it where she might talk on the phone. A good place could be under her car seat. You can velcro it under the seat.

Have either of you had an affair in the past? Are either of you alcoholics?

I have never had an affair, she stated to me she has not. we do drink, and as of today I have put that behind me. The problem I see is she states she is scard of me, when there has been no violence at all between us. she state this to her parents I believe for support for her decision to leave. Also it tough to talk now, because she will not have any conversation with me.
If fact tonight she left the house after calling her mother saying I was bothering her for attempting to sleep in the same bed. She said this is my bed, my room, my house.... let me get some rest. then she phoned her mother and complained to her.
I am confused she' 44 y.o and calling her parents like she 16....

I would be very careful because it sounds like she is trying to set the stage to accuse you of domestic violence and perhaps have the police throw you out.

You should quietly spy on her and keep a voice activated recorder on you at all times.

Do you have a drinking problem? Is that why you quit?

Yes, I was actually sober for 7 years, when I met my wife. she told me to have a beer at the Christmas party one year and whamo.. so I understand my problem and with gods grace and help I will be sober again from this day fwd. I have noticed she has been drinking more and more lately herself.

She is attending counseling now, but I feel the counselor is pushing her in the wrong direction. i.e. stop having contact with him physically and in talking keep it short is what she told me the counseld adviser her.

I asked about together counseling and she states, no its over.

The counselor told her to stop having contact with you?

Yes that is what she had told me, the counselor had told her to stop contact. which was confusing to me, (maybe she just made that up)

I went through may past phone records and in jan for 3 days straight my friend/boss and a stripper and her were communicated everyday through text. My wife had said she wanted a threesome and wanted to (F**K) my friend/boss or at least entertained the thought. so it porbably happened according the the phone records.

Now I cannot get her or my friend/(old boss now) to admit to any of this, but if you put 2+2 together it sure seems like something happened.

More info... my friend/boss is going through his own divorce and problems with his current wife, so at first I didn't think anything of us talking with him, maybe I was nieve and my wife got that emotional satisfaction from him.

I have a counseling appoint tomorrow and I hope to discuss all this with my Dr. what questions should I ask my dr if any to know if he is giving me sound advice.

I really wish to save this marriage.

Melonylane,

thank you for the spy advice, I know the law fairly well as I am a police officer myself. I understand my job has stressed our marriage ever since the past 6 months when I changed shifts and assignements.

If she wants no contact, verball communication or physical how do I proceed. shall I respect her wish to not sleep in the bed? I did purchase His needs Her Needs book. but I need to be able to communicate to put lesson into play.

my one friend who you helped and he has high praise for you, says be a little aloof and change yourself to what you think you were in the beginning of the relationship. (I can't remember, but I was 20 lbs lighter and we did things together.

we would text and chat often. but now I'm affriad of pushing her away by texting often, esp if she has resentment or angry towards me, it would just make it worse In my opion.

Here Beware of Bad Counselors

Are you a friend of wifedivorcing?

Dr Harley does not advise you to "be a little aloof". Your friend did not get that from this forum. What was his reasoning behind being aloof?

How much have you each been drinking lately?

I haven't had a drink for three days

aloof was a poor choice of words. He told me to act "as if, upbeat and everything is okay make yourself more attractive."


I know I probably should not have done this, but I talked with a lawyer yesterday and he talked me into filing, the lawyer says I have 90 days to make a decision and if no decision is made in 90 days the filing will be recinding.

So my thinking was I have 90days to change myself and communicate with my wife and hope she communicates with me.

That is not what asked you.

By "lately" I did not just mean the last three days in which you have had nothing. You must know that I did not mean that.

since the past few months I have been drinking a lot. I think I touched on this above. I have noticed my wife is drinking more as well. I decided to stop drinking again because I realize it is not helping anything and being disruptive to any healing which can come forth from this day forward.

I know my wife has contacted an attorney today, but I do not know the outcome, she may be searching for her options.

should I have her filed with a summons or hold off, I really think she is made up her mind, but I have not given up hope.

Agree about your shift work, it is a disaster to marriages. I would spy on her and get the evidence. When you get that, come back here and we will help you with next steps.


The book you need is Surviving an Affair. And she will not be likely to have any interest in doing any lessons. You must FIRST bust up her affair and we will help you do that. I would put the HNHN in the drawer for now.

Yes, you should sleep in the bed and continue to communicate with her. Be as pleasant as possible. No fighting, etc.


He is right that you should behave as you did in the beginning of your relationship.


The reason she is angry with you is because she has demonized you in order to justify her affair. She is trying to bait you into a fight so she will have more ammunition against you. Just be sure you don't take the bait. You can still chat and text just keep it very pleasant and loving.

What is your wife's occupation? What would bring her into contact with people like this? Is this "friend" her boss or your boss? What kind of business?

Are you able to answer a straight question with a straight answer?

One again, HOW MUCH have you and your wife been drinking lately?

yes, I know wifedivorcing's story.

My wife's occupation is a elementary teacher. this friend/boss was my friend and boss. he now has transferred to a different shift. We would go out to the bar together. I don't think from this day forward that any time of adult clubs are in my future. I come from a Christian background and have fallen the past few years. She says she is catholic, but I don't think she know Jesus Christ as her personal savior.

As far as the bed thing. It is my fault that I have allowed us to sleep in separate beds for a few years now. What I don't want to happen is her to get angry and make stud up. I do have a recorder, so if you think I should try again. tonight won't work. I work afternoons. I get home around 12:30ish am, she goes to bed around 9-30pm everynight. plus I have a 9am apt in the am, so if I wake her up when I get home from work, she will have a tantrum again in my opinion.

I did mention this morning when she came back from her mother's house (she left the house last night to sleep at mom's when I jumped into bed...she lives 2 blks away.) that we should be sleeping together and I'm going to continue to sleep in OUR bed . she was mute of the answer and only said, why we are getting a divorce., so I replied we need to communicate soon, and she reply okay. and left for work without any further contact or words.

LMG, you need to listen to these folks here, get the evidence you need to bust up her affair. Don't let her bait you into a fight. I remember in my situation, my wife would try to get me to fight with her which is a HUGE love buster. There were times I just smiled during her wrath. Do the same, start working on yourself....

@sugarcane,

I'm sorry I thought I did. everyday afterwork for me. Her, I think every day as well, but I am at work in the evenings, when she is at home. So I cant be for sure, but I do notice the bottle contents lower every night on her flavored vokda.

I would avoid adult clubs and bars in general. They are not healthy environments. If your boss had an affair with your wife, I would be reporting this to HR. If he doesn't lose his job over this, you will probably want to find another job. Working at the same place as this dirtbag will keep you triggered forever.


Your shift is a huge problem. Have you spoken to your supervisor to get that changed?

@melodylane,




I just purchase the book!
I am afraid of getting into bed tonight for fear of her making up stuff, like you said it seems like she is demonizing me. by jumping inot bed tonight, it could make her feel like I am pressuring her, when she said last night why don't you listen to me and let me get some rest. i'll hold of tonight on the bed thing, but firday night would be great to try it again, since we both do not work on Saturday.

Last time: "How much"? Not - "how often"?

I have an important reason for asking, but I'm about to give up here.

WD was a plan A rockstar! You are lucky to have him in your corner.

good to see you, my friend.

surgar cane,

a lot as much as I can to get drunk. I hope that helps.

here is an update.

I tect my wife. "hope your day's well,; have a wonderful lunch :)"

she replied; "No its' not well cuz of the stress from you. I talked to you numerous times before ans said I did not love you the same anymore I'm very serious I want a divorce. I'm sorry that this hurts you and makes you angry but this is what I want. You said you want the best for me and your at peace well this is what I want for me to be happy and at peace."

i asked about why ahe wont admit to having a 3some, and she like omg i don't know what you are talking about. and she said i didn't have one and I'm done talking to you, discussions can be through our lawyers....

how do you proceed from that... because we have to live in the same house.....

maybe I'm am approaching this from the wrong direction. maybe i caught it before it actually happened. If that is the case, how you reopen communication with your spouse that is shutting down.

My gut feeling is to not talk to her, but i know that is wrong and will make the matter worse.

Ignore your gut feelings and look for opportunities to communicate with love and care to her. In the meantime, you MUST start an aggressive spy campaign and get the evidence of an affair. DON'T ASK HER OR ACCUSE. Just quietly get the evidence and come back here.

You can also look into getting on another shift.

STOP trying to make her admit anything. You don't need her admission to know truth. Quietly gather the evidence and we will help you kill the affair.

MelodyLane,

I hear you. it's hard to gather the evidence and that is what is frustrating.

She is having a medical procedure done next week and i would like to be there for her, but she won't let me and said her parents are driving her and for me to not worry.

Can you hire a PI to follow her?

I'll be on tomorrow, i must get ready for work. thank you all for your insight!

I am checking into that now to see if i can afford it... ill keep you posted.

I have my first counseling appointment today and I hope you can give me some insight as a Christian is the first question I'm going to ask him I've seen them before but I can't remember he's a Christian it was about 8 or 9 years ago that he helped me through some problems I was having.

Is far as my relationship is going she threatened to put a lock on the door and if I force my way and she threatened to call the police this is what her lawyer told her which I know she cannot do my lawyer said that is totally incorrect.
About an hour after that conversation she text me some nice stuff and I was confused I didn't respond and then later on that evening she text me good night I hope you let me sleep and not come into my bedroom thank you. I responded good night and left it at that. What I failed to do and to tell her I wasn't coming home that night because of my counseling appointment being 30 hours I'm sorry 40 miles away from our marital home it turned out my partner at work there's only 3 miles from my doctor so after work I spent the night there I'm sure I will get a text in the morning and where I spent a night and I'll be honest so she doesn't think anything is going on I will say I had a doctors appointment counseling right next to my partners house so Decided not to wake you and spend the night there. This is all dictation so if there's errors I apologize .
I will give you an update on what happened in constant thank you everyone and continue to pray for me and my wife for reconciliation and forgiveness

Hello everyone,

I met with my counselor today. Im not too found fo what he told me, either I'm very stubborn and hard headed or he is attempting to bring peace.

He said attempting to sleep in the same bed without her approval is a violation of her respect and can be construed as domestic violence. (me as a police officer knows that you need to have a verbal or physical assault or means to do so for domestic viol) I didn't wish to argue with him. But I do hear what he is trying to get at. He thinks she is angry at me and by not respected her will make matters worse and any trust she may still have will be lost. He thinking was by respecting her wishes you will regain her trust for you.

I called a Christian counselor today and scheduled an appoint with him, I wont be able to see him until mon may 9th.

She had put a lock on the bedroom door yesterday and said if I try to force my way into the bedroom she will have to result on calling the police. I just have to be strong in the lord and show her love without any blaming or questioning her behavior. After all Jesus taught us unconditional love is what we need to become and strive for in our hearts.

For the next 3 days (since I have them off) this will be a Big test for me especially if she is unwilling to talk. I planed on having a conversation with her this weekend. The conversation I wanted was to offer her to attend my counseling so she may support me in my change for good since she isn't willing to go and work on things together (as she stated earlier in the week). I have to remember to ask once and no push the issue. Love tokens not Love busters! that is what I have strive for every minute and second we are together and away.

4 days without a drink.

What the...?

Who does that?

Who spends the night away from home in order to attend a counselling appointment?

Who fails to tell his wife, at any time in his marriage, that he won't be home that night, and who does that when he is in the throes of trying to save his marriage?

What on earth were you thinking? And who advised you do this? Certainly not us!!!

I cannot believe what i just read.

Sugarcane,

the reason was my partner at work lives 4 miles from my counselor that I saw. I live 40 miles away, and to fight rush hour traffic and try to shower in the AM with her getting up at the same time to goto work, I was trying to avoid conflict, due to the blow up she had the previous day on threatening to call the police if I bothered her again. so I decided to take the drama out for one night and protect myself and my job. (me a police ofc held to higher standards) can lose my job for any allegation of Domestic abuse.

please don't be too hard with your response, I understand this is a delicate mater and I need her to feel safe and trusted. she is on anti-depressants and just got a script for Xanax yesterday. so there is more problem on her end than I realized.

I have the next 3 days off and I am hoping we can have some loving communication.

LMG, I hope you don't plan on staying out overnight again. As far as "counseling," that is a needless distraction at a time when you need to place all your focus on your marriage.

The advice we are giving you comes from Dr Bill Harley, clinical psychologist and founder of Marriage Builders. RARELY, do "counselors" have any earthly idea how to save marriages and typically cause more harm than good. They have even less experience and expertise when it comes to infidelity.

What scares me the most about this is that you allowed her to manipulate you into staying out of your house. If you are afraid of a domestic abuse accusation, then carry a VAR on you at all times. But don't stay out of your home. Don't embolden her by giving into unreasonable demands. No woman on the planet would allow a man to kick her out of her home; men need to follow suit.

Melodylane,

thank you, I do carry a voice recorder now. She has put a lock on the bedroom door and wont let me in. That lock will be removed as soon as she is served with an order not to change anything in the house (exparte)included locking doors et. so I just have to be level headed like you all say and have loving conversation even though her anwers are yes and no.

today was a progress day though. I fired my counselor that gave me that crazy advice (he wasn't Christian) and I found a minister with a phd in pysch to counsel me so I will see him on Mon. I returned home she was at the house I greated her with Hello, she replied Hi. I asked her if she would like to go for a walk with the dogs, she said I already walked them. I said okay, and took them for another walk. I kept an upbeat attitude whistling some tune. when I retuned home, I poured out all my alcohol down the sink. She didn't ask why (but she is observing it, she was on the phone talking with her mom or sister.) I said I have to go grocery shopping, would you like anything. of course she replied no. I left came home, said hello again, she said hi. (I bought her her favorite ice cream without even telling her and some steak sizzlers so next time she goes into the freezer she will notice.) I went down stairs to do laundry and noticed she had towels in the dryer, I brought them up folded them put them away asked her do you need a new fresh towel...again no. The point I am trying to make is even though she is giving me one word answers, I am making positive talk and being very conscious of no negative talk.
How the night ended was she didn't say goodnight closed her door. I knocked and say are you going to bed, she said yes, so I said goodnight. she replied goodnight. I ask if I could say goodnight to our two dogs, she said no, and I left it be without a word. and jumped on here.

Tomorrow I have a funeral memorial to attend (my sister father-ibn-law) she had said on tues that she will not be attending. before I leave, if she is in the house I will invite her again. regardless of her response. I am trying to show that i care and wish to do things together. I know I can't make anyone do anything and my actions play a big part in what she see and responds too.

D-Day APRIL 25,2016

What is the reason you are going to counseling? I thought you were here to get help with your marriage.

melodylane,

I am here to get help, I value your opinion's and follow them from now on as wifedivorcing yelled at me to listen to everything.

I talk with wifedivorcing often and i get good advice as well. I know this is all new and only a week old, but I decided to go to counseling for my own sanity and to get better as a person, a man of god and back to where I was 7 years ago. If I can't fix myself I can't fix our marriage. I hope you understand that I need this for myself to stay focus on what you folks are saying.

The devil got ahold of me and my wife. I have become lazy, overweight, non-interactive, spend way to much time on the computer and was drinking and going out to adult strip bars. and my wife attended some times. so you can see how my marriage has falling apart. not to mention we haven't slept in the same beds for 5 years. a lot of this is my fault. I need to rectify myself to the point where we first met.

The problem with most counselors is they have no idea how to save marriages. While well-intentioned, they generally encourage people in marriage-wrecking behavior which they mistakenly believe will help. Even Christian Counselors have a terrble track-record. They also encourage people to pick and chose items from different programs, many with no evidence of benefit. The Marriage Builders plan is very specific and works best if followed early and completely. It is not guaranteed but it is your best chance of saving the marriage.

Have you gotten evidence ofthe affair that would convince a jury? If not, get it. Then expose. She is a school teacher. Does she work with the OM? I couldnt tell from your previous post. Even if they don't, workplace exposure may be beneficial because many teachers' contracts include a morals clause. You need to bust the fantasy of the affair. Having her dirty secret in the open is the best chance to break up the affair.

You need to study SAA carefully. If you havent read it at least 2times, you are not ready for more material.

Have you listened to the radio show? You should listen daily because this will help focus and strategize. The app is free. Listen tomorrow on your headphones. I purchased access to the archives when I first started really working MB becuase hearing several radio programs pertinent to my situation helped me understand the details of implementing MB.

Beware of Bad Counselors

apples123,
thank you for that reply. I have no proof other than some phone records. The person I suspect she does not work with, but rather he was my former boss who is now on a different shift. I hired a Private investigator to hopefully uncover some facts. If no facts are uncovered then I need try a different approach.

I know when I was drinking I said some hurtful stuff, which damages her emotionally. I know my wife is very sensitive. Monday it will be one week since she said I don't love you and we need a divorce. It's a rollercoaster of emotions for me, but she has been small talking, short sentences. etc. the love principles seem to be breaking down her barrier!

I have to continue my strength in the lord and remain upbeat. Sometimes It does get lonely when your spouse ignores you and you are in the house by yourself. I haven't been eating well because this stress of the situation makes my food go right through me.

Tomorrow (Sunday) I am going to church. Something I have been neglecting for a long time. When she returned home today in the eve. I let her know I am getting up early and going to church and asked her if she would like to come with me. She replied, no. Which didn't bother me at that moment, because of the mental state she has been in this week. She went to bed without saying goodnight and locked her bedroom door. (yes we have been sleeping in separate bedrooms for a long time. (that's a different subject)). I knocked respectfully and said are you going to bed? she said yes. I said goodnight and she replied goodnight.

I need to sign up for the over the phone counseling here. I do have a lot of family and a couple of close friends praying for us.

I know it sounds like I am rambling, but you folks are wonderful and are giving me strength. SAA book should come Monday. I'm looking fwd to it.

Goodnight

LMG, you are on the right track, but I would forgo all this "counseling" for now and focus on your marriage. The phone counseling at MB is awesome and you may need that at some point, but right now the focus should be on getting the evidence and exposing the affair. You don't need counseling to achieve that. The advice we are giving you comes frmo Dr Bill Harley, clinical psychologist and founder of Marriage Builders. We are not just spouting our own personal opinions.

thank you MelodyLane!

I understand you. I am going to counseling for myself to be better focused to follow the concepts of Dr. Harley.


your concepts are working as of today I bought her a breakfast, she appreciated it but didn't eat it.

I do have a question. her B-day is coming up on may 25th. I'm unsure how to handle that. any thoughts.

Give her a nice present and a romantic card.

I know she likes candles, so I could buy she some candles and a gift certificate to a beauty store or something; I have a hard time thinking of gifts, I'm not very good with that.

Today I talked with her for a few minutes. apologized for my verbal abuse I've caused her the past couple of years due to my drinking and work stress. it seemed she appreciated that, but said she checked out along time ago. I replied, I can totally understand why you would feel that why, because I would do the same. I said I remember the good times we had and I am fighting for us and look forward to the future when we can have those good times back. she was silent. after that is when I went to go grab some breakfast for the two of us.

One complaint she had was I was on the computer a lot. So I am working on cutting that time down...so I can only log on here when she is sleeping or busy with other things.

Positive attitude and affirmations is all I can do at the moment until I have some proof. Tomorrow I'll know after my morning meeting with my PI.

PS: I am confused with all the abbreviations under the exposure part. i.e. (BS WS AP) please elaborate the abbreviated words for a dummy like me

That is a good idea. And my suggestion would be to write a love letter painting a picture of a wonderful, happy marriage, and put it in the card. Tell her that you are so sorry for the things you did that brought your marriage to this terrible place. Tell her you know you a) were wrong for drinking, b) hanging out in bars, .........[fill in the blanks] Promise her you will never drink again or hang out in creepy bars, [fill in blanks]

Then add that you love her with all your heart and want to work with her on building a romantic, happy marriage. Tell her you have a plan to do that when she is ready. Tell her you will fight for your marriage and won't give up on her. Sign it with "all my love, LMG."

NOW, she will come back and tell you it is too little too late. Just expect that. But it will have planted the seed. Once she sees you back up your talk with actions, she will start to see you in another light.

Wow! Melodylane, you may me cry; which is a good thing! I will re-visit this when her b-day get closer (5/25).
Thank you for making me strong!

My wife is having surgery this Friday for a uterus abrlasion. that I just found out from my sister today. my wife talked to my sister for awhile a couple of weeks ago about her unhappiness with me, being lazy not helping around the house, and yelling and screaming. hinting at a divorce and about the surgery.

my wife said its not my concern and her parents are taking her. I only now the date may 6, I do not know the time or the hospital.

I don't know how to proceed.... I want to be there for her and support her, but she doesn't wish me to or shes says she doenst'.. im confusion.

Did you speak to her about it? Can you take off work to be with her and take care of her when she gets home?

I can take Friday off to be there when she gets home from the hospital, but I also have 4 days to work on her to allow me to be there for the operation.
--------------------
When she cam home from her mother's house today, I was on the porch changed the light fixture which she has been buggin me to change for 2 years. She said WHAT ARE YOU DOING? I said changing the light fixture like you asked. (she asked me 2 years ago though)

then...

I said I know you have a procedure soon and I want to be there and support you. She said you don't need to worry about it because I already changed by health advocate to my mother. I replied I still want to support you would you please tell me the time and hospital. She said It doesn't concern you and walked inside.

Well I needed another set of hand to hold the light while I splice the wires together, so I asked for her assistance, she came and helped. She questioned why I'm doing this now, I told her I thought deep and hard at what you said in lthe past, and I am not that lazy person anymore, I have changed and am fighting for our relationship and the good 7 years we've had.

I know I'm making progress, because she seems to be slightly mad about me changing the light. When she went to bed in her room I said good , she allowed my to say goodnight to our two dogs and I slightly brushed her arm from the shoulder to the elbow and said have a goodnight. She said I told you I don't want to be touched. I walked out and said sweet dreams.

I think that is a good idea. I would have the house cleaned up and plenty of food you can make for her. So even if she doesn't want you there for the operation, you can be at home, ready to take care of her.


Good!!

Great job addressing her complaints!

I'm at work and she has not said one thing via text or call. I sent a text to enjoy her day and lunch and wrote a note to have a good evening. She works days I work afternoons. So it's tough being ignored and loney today. I understand there will be days like this. I have to continue my good actions and not give up!

ARe you working on changing your shifts? You aren't going to get too far working on opposing shifts.

Yes; I am working on that - The problem is the person I think she is having an affair with is on day shift the shift that I want to go to my captain said he's concerned about both of us working the same shift. So once I have solid proof or no proof then I'll know for sure there's one other option period. That's to get transferred all together and go on restricted duty due to my mental state. But I do not want a dark note in my file. But maybe it is worth it

I hired the PI today. he's expensive so I may purchase a GPS also to help the PI. I don't care how much I have to spend or go in debt...I love my wife and will not stop fighting for her.

SAA book came today, so I am beginning to read it. If it turns out she isnt' having an affair, then I know all my drinking and bad actions caused this. The solution is NO LOVE BUSTERS; just constant loving words and affection and inclusion in everything I do.

I put a VAR in the house in the computer room. it picked up 4 mins of my wife screaming and crying. I feel so helpless if I caused her this pain because she doesn't know I could listen.

I just have to Give positive love everyday and support and help and include her in every activity. If she says no at least she knows I am thinking about her.

I am started to doubt she had an affair. At least a sexual one. A emotional one maybe. I nbeleive the real reason is because I have treated her with a lack of respect and we had little contact of interaction. I have heard through sourced (friends) that she complained about me; about not helping out, being lazy, yelling and screaming at her because of little stuff. even to the point of calling her stupid and saying I know know why your ex husband cheated on you. I am ashamed of myself for these things I have said. I have said these thing out of anger and most of the time it was probably when we've been drinking.
\
My biggest emotional need isn't sex, but companionship and sleeping is separate bed for 5-6 years has but a scar on me, which I probably use to get back at her in some deep emotional way. instead of being honest with my feelings and say.. You know this sleeping apart really hurts me to the point of loneliness. I'm rmabing cause I am tired and just got home from work.

Sugarcane where are you? with your direct solutions?
Melonylane, keep you the wonderful support you have been providing me.
I call my friend whom you all know divorced everyday.

I know many of you have been through this, and thank you for your wonderful insight!

Good!! Between you and the PI, you should be able to get the truth.


Exactly!


That is pretty bad. But don't jump to any conclusions until you are certain you have the facts. Even if the PI doesn't find anything, you need to keep up the snooping just to make sure.

I am probably preaching to the choir, but in addition to your drinking, working an evening shift has been a disaster to your marriage. Opposing shifts wreck marriages. Just keep that in mind for future use. You can't maintain a marriage that way.

Update:

Tues may 3 I had my question answered on the marriage builders radio show. I was happy about that it provided me with insight.

Yesterday was also National Teacher Appreciation Day. I surprised her, so when she returned home from work she would see flowers on the table with a card and teaching supplies. I was at work at this time. I received a text which said,

" I saw the flowers you didn't hv to do that. I don't want to give you false hope and you think that by doing all of this stuff I'm going to change me mind. I still do want a divorce and I'm not trying to be a [censored] but it's what I want to be at peace and happy. I want you to be happy as well with your life."

I didn't respond, but I was able to leave work early so I could be home with her on this special day. I surprised her by coming home. I followed dr. Harleys advice and spoke with her and appoligized about my behavior and actions over the past few years and promised never to do it again and respect her always. etc. My wife took it well, and said I appreciate it (she almost shed a tear) but I am not happy and want to be alone and divorced. so instead of arguing we both stop talking about it.

I then later that eve went to go get ice cream and brought some home for us both; she didn't eat it but said put it in the freezer, so we are talking a little.

I can't wait till my love buster book comes, dr. Harley told me to read the first 5 chapters immediately.

I came home from work today and listened to my VAR. It was blotchy recording, but she had said she signed paperwork with her atty's secretary for a restraining order. I believe she is trying to kick me out of the house. I have no idea who is putting these thoughts in her head...maybe it's her counselor, or her friends or even her mother.

Legally she cannot do this, so I will have a chat tomorrow with my atty on the matter. I just hate having to do this when I know there is a solution. The enemy is working hard to break up this marriage. I'm going to fight to the last ounce of breath that God has given me.

Stick with it!! You are doing the right thing in contacting your atty. As soon as your radio show posts, I will listen to it. Glad you emailed Dr Harley!

Well, my wife's surgery is tomorrow and she is avoiding me. I'm still gonna take your advice melody and take the day off. I can show my support even though she has checked me out of her life.

Good!! Go to the store and buy some things for her, like some soup she likes, pop, crackers, bottled water, straws, etc. Try to think of anything she might like or need while she recuperates.

Be sure and clean up your house really nice and spruce up her bedroom so she will be comfortable.

I think there is no stopping this divorce. After I had listened to the VAR today, she had conversation with her mom and GF. She laughed at the thought of me trying to make it work and reconcile our relationship. one of her quotes from her dad was this guy (me) was a lot better than mike (her first husband). but I believe her mother and sister and counselor are pushing her in the wrong direction.

My thoughts are 'Would you not try to work things out?' It appears when she makes up her mind its made up and nothing is gonna stop her. another quote from her was she asked why did you file, I said cause you told me to get a lawyer (I did it it as a stall tactic to work things out in 90days) but what she said to her mom after was geez I can't wait to tell my therapist, had I know that I would have told him to file months ago....laughing as she said it. (I'm confused- It sounds like she has some serious issues she is dealing with. apart from no evidence yet of an physical affair).

Oh antother thing, she said my mom will kill him if he shows up at the hospital... so I have no idea what my wife has been telling her mom, but family ususally sticks together. her dad said just drive over to our house like you are going to work in the morning and we will take you to the hospital. and she said yeah he's stupid (meaning me) he wont put 2 and 2 together.

well now I don't even feel like taking the day off to be home when she gets home after hearing all the back stabbing about me to her family.....

It appears that she has blocked me on facebook as well...

so now what? stay home and still support her, that would be the Christian thing to do. After all even if I get lambasted, ridiculed and yelled at, by her (cause I'm sure she will be under the influence of narcotics) at least I know that I am trying.

Yes. Plan A is Plan A.

I'm sorry that she is trash talking to her family. If you can't show goodwill now when she's having surgery, she will see it as a confirmation. You want her to remember that you were willing to stop everything and care for her.

Thank u - PLAN A it is...

Remember that any guilt she feels could make her hesitant to accept care. Don't push her or bully her. Prepare like Mel said, and get your calm demeanor on. I know how tough to listen to her lash out, but it is possible. Care for her just as any husband should. You need to show her that you can treat her well, even under adverse conditions. Even if you end up divorced, you will have left her with positive memories.

Don't let your fear of the worst ruin Plan A.

NO!! You stay home and support her because that you are fighting for your marriage. It is no surprise that she is angry about your marriage and wants to leave you. It is no surprise that she needs to demonize you in order to justify this.

None of this is new news. We already knew she was mad at you. That is the whole point of Plan A!! Go forward with the plan.

Well I have stayed home.

She is not home, she text me saying she is at her parent's house; which she was earlier cause I did drive by (3 block away). I did find some interesting texts back and forth to an unk number that was on a bill in feb -mar. So I just went ahead an purchased a gps tracker.

It is hard gathering all this evidence, but it is worth it.

I just whish she would come home; I have the house clean, bought ballons a card a mum plant and her favorite comfort food.

I have to find out something and expose why she is demonizing me so much to her family. I know not to talk about the divorce and keep telling her that I love her wish to support her and people can change.

Did you do a reverse lookup on it? Try to find out who it is. try this: http://www.okcaller.com/index.php

You did good!!!

Yes, I did do a spokeo check; it comes back to nothing... prob a pay/month phone. I wanted to go over to her parents house, but I didn't want any drama from her parents, esp when she is recovering.

I think I should wait to talk to them alone and tell them I love their daughter and them and am sorry for how I have mistreated their daughter and wish to save this marriage and do what is morally right! (because I have no idea what she has told them It seems her mom is against me, but her dad says I am better than her first husband.)

she did text me and say she would be home a little later that was 45 min ago. so I assume she will come home and sleep at our house.

AGree.


AGree this is a good idea. I would go there with hat in hand and show them your plan. Ask for their support.

My wife came home, she is now sleeping.

She was on pain killers so it was easy to talk to her, we had small talk about the procedure. when she saw the card, plant and balloons she said what did I tell you the other day about this stuff... (she text me about not wanting to give false hope and my mind is made up for the divorce) so all I said was, "I love you and people can change."

I asked if she needed help into bed or a tuck and she said no. I tried not to push, so I just said goodnight love you.

Saturday will be a new day!

Good job!!!

LMG,
You are doing a very good Plan A. Your wife is in some kind of fog, and so keep that in mind as you process the cruel things she said about you. I know they cut deeply, and I'm sure that they arouse your own resentment, but as a Plan A vet, I can assure you that the humility and perseverance of taking the Plan A challenge build character and will make you a better husband in the future.

Stay with it and keep the faith.

p.s. I would not speak to her parents until you have ruled out an affair.

It's Saturday.

my wife is being non emotional; and asking why I don't go on the computer. I responded. I love you. She said well I haven't changed my mind. So I said I love you and people can change and this can be worked out.
Then she asked well why did you contact a lawyer. I said I don't wish to talk about any of that; I love you and am willing to work through this., you can always go that route later I think we should put it on hold and try. She replied I've made up my mind. So I repeated okay but I love you and walked
Out of the kitchen.

We're together watching Jaws but sitting on opposite sides of the couch. Because she doesn't want contact.

So I need to gather more evidence cause I noticed a few new bruises which could be evidence of a physical affair. GPS unit should arrive Mon/Tue.

I want so badly to ask her why she hates me but I know that won't help or change
things. My actions are the only thing that can instil feelings.

I did ask her how she felt if we played a game together she said no. So I can only sit in her company. Feeling frustrated because of the unknown...

Did you put a VAR in her car?

I can't access her car. She hides the keys. So I was going for the gps

You're a cop!!!

That is what is frustrating. I can't break into her car (b/c alarm). I'll have to wait for the gps.

Another frustrating thing is she blocked me on Facebook. So I don't have that to snoops anymore. I have not talked to her about that and am curious as to how to do that respectfully without starting an argument.

My wife has really checked out as she put it. I know she's been lying and don't wish to bring up any phone texts until I have real proof which cannot be denied. It appears one of her girl friends is getting a divorce from a conversation I heard in the house so she could be telling her stuff. Such as how to hide your tracks.

shoot!!


I wouldn't bring it up because you don't want her to think you are snooping.


That is the EXACT RIGHT APPROACH!


Can you put a VAR in your house and pick up her conversations?

I have a VAR is the house but I need to get a better one from the spy ship that will pick up a greater distance. The one u have is just one for lectures - it is an Olympus but the mic isn't suited for detailed long distance. Problem is all this cost money! Lol.

I asked about plans for tomorrow. She said I assumed you would go over your moms house and me over mine. I asked how would you feel if I came with you. She replied my parents wouldn't like it. Trying. It to start an argument...I said; I'm confused as to why they wouldn't like it. She said cause we are
Getting a divorce. I replied do they know why. I mean did you tel them this is what you decided? So how could they be mad at me then? She said cause j told them I am not happy then she volunteered I'm not thinking of a relationship I got to work on myself maybe 6months-1year down the road a relationship.

I said. I love you and will always love you and am sorry for making you feel this way. I can understand why you would want to end it; but I believe in trying and not throwing away our 7 years together....

There was a breif silence and then she said you already contacted a lawyer; so I'm confused. ( I did that to buy me time to stall it out for 90 days). I just said I don't want to talk about the divorce. I love you and our relationship is worth trying to fix.

Then she brought up I told you not to buy me stuff and the flowers etc.
so I said I do that because I love you and support you.

She like okay well let's not talk anymore about this.

I said okay. And walked away to do some choirs.

She's a tough cookie to crack!

Happy Mother's Day to you out there.

I gave my wife a card to give to her mother; while i went to see mine. My wife said she delivered the card but didn't say how her mother reacted. We actually returned home at the same time from our mothers house. My wife reiterated that it's over and she doesn't want to be in a relationship of any kind. I tried not to pry but asked some basic questions like I didn't say anything about a relationship and I just want to work in us. But it went south. And I told her I knew she was using some messanger to communicate outside of regular text; boy did that make her angry a little so I knew I was right. My questions is if I can't fine any more evidence and this divorce goes through what then...

I still have some time 70 days before I have to act on service....

I need help!


Today I finally got evidence. On tape the guy I though came over to the house and had sex with my wife. It's just one short audio tape segment.

where do I proceed from here...

Go read my exposure thread and come back and lets talk about your plan.

Mel,

I read some of it, but she has blocked me on facebook. so I do not have that ave to expose....

my bro-in-law is still friends with her, but I feel she may block him, but right now she is freaking out. texting my in angry about violating her privacy in her house and get my stuff out. I have not responded. wifedivorcing is helping me as well , but he says you are the best for help.

You misunderstood. You don't expose on your wifes' facebook. You expose to the OM's facebook friends VIA PRIVATE MESSAGE using the templates on my exposure thread.

You will CALL your wife's parents and then email other family members and close friends asking for their support. Use the templates from my thread.


Go to a quiet place where you have internet access so you can complete your exposures. You don't want her coming home and barging in on you.

Expose to the OM's friends and family, your wifes friends and family, and then yours. You will also want to report the OM's affair to your HR department.

What have you said to her about your discovery?

First thing is to go to OM's facebook page and copy and paste all his contacts into a text doc for safekeeping. As soon as he hears of your exposure, he will shut down his fb page.

THe OM doesn't have one, he deactivated it when his wife filed for divorce.

I have said to her I have audio recording of OM in the house and of you two having sex.

I lyed too and said I also have video. Now she's freaking out saying I want that stuff removed from MY house (its ours).

she changed her mind and sounds nice and says I should take the day off so we can discuss and talk later....

what are we going to talk about? I don't know, I'm sure she has a lot of questions and is mad that I was snooping. I know I have to be calm, but I nervous on how to handle this unknown conversation she would like to have after work.

Don't cave or apologize for snooping. Don't reveal your methods. Don't show her marriage builders yet. Copy the check list into a different file and hand it to her. Demand she end the affair.

Expose everybody today before she can spin this.

I have a hard timer exposing everyone one


I was going to expose to her her paretns today

no one is answering my calls at the moment

I was going overt to her parents house now.

I called the few friends I do know and her family, and now my phone is blowing up with my wife yelling and screaming at me.

how do I handle this

Ignore her rants and continue with the exposure.

I'm trying my hardest to find numbers and peple on the other man's side.

one of her friends and co-workers i called responded in a text to me after i talked with her.

"why r u doin this to her? How did u get this number? Why don't u stop calling her friends and family they don't need to know yours and lisas dirty laundry, calling her boss Amy is just over the edge and childish and spiteful shame on you I'm mad"

should I respond to that or let it go....

Just ignore it and finish your exppsures. You are not doing this to get the approval of crapwits. Expose to her parents NOW and get that done. Expose to the OMs family and to his workplace. GEt this all done!!

my wife just texted me this....


"please leave me alone and stop contacting my friends, family and employers. If you continue my friends, family and employer. If you continue to contact them it will be considered harassment!!! This includes texting, calling, and going to their house."

GET ER DONE!! Call her parents. Call his family. Call the OM's workplace. DON'T STOP UNTIL YOU ARE DONE.

I have called our workplace since we work together. internal affairs doesn't wish to pursue a complaint at this time. My capt is going to do an investigation.

I talked with my wife's dad, through the screen door, he didn't even have the balls to talk to me face to face and said I don't get involved in my daughters lifes' I was very nice and said I love you and you are a good father-in-law and I love your wife, my mother-in-law ans hope you can use your influence to tell her this is morally wrong. he wasn't too receptive, I said I have proof and he said I don't care.

I'm in the process of send a FB message to the Other man's wife's and hope she will respond to my plea for exposure and to talk.


I just spoke with my Capt at work and he had the OM (rank of SGt) transferred to another precinct as he explained why due to possible workplace violence and the alleged affair. I had my capt listen to the tape so he knew I was telling the truth. my capt even came to my home and I gave me all my weapons, so she couldn't make a false claim in her range that I assaulted her with a gun or something.

SEnd the parents a heartfelt email NOW asking for their help:

Dear Joe and Sally,

I am writing you this message because you are an important person in the lives of xxxx and I. As some of you know, xxxxx has recently asked me for a divorce, which has shattered my heart. To my shock, I am saddened to have discovered that the reason is because she has been carrying on an affair with a old boyfriend named xxxxx xxxxx who resides in xxxxxx. He is also married and has young children . The purpose of the separation is so that she can carry on her affair without my interference.

I want our marriage to recover from this affair. If you have any influence on my babe, please do what you can to get her to stop this affair. I want to stay married, but the affair must end.

As her parents, I am asking that you use your influence with xxxx to persuade her to end her affair and try to work on our marriage. Our marriage can be salvaged if she would only end the affair. Please support her in doing the right thing. Please support our marriage.

I would so appreciate your support and prayers.

Warmest regards,

Do you have a recorder in your pocket?

You are doing great!! Just stay the course. FINISH YOUR EXPOSURES. Do not leave your home under any circumstances.

When she screams at you, just say, "I am devastated to learn of your affair. I am asking as your husband that you end your affair."

Be a broken record: "please end your affair, you are killing me."

The OM doesn't have a Facebook page; but his wife(soon to be exwide does) so I attempted to contact her and waiting for a response. I even went so far to call her attorney and inform him that her husband is ah inf an afair with my wife; he was very interested to hear more and said he would cal me back.

As far as work I noticed my superiors and internal affairs (police) and don't know if anything with happen but I know they unmediated transferred the OM to another precinct.

I talked to my wife's parents (dad) he blew it off; my wife's sister came over Our house after work and tried to start an argument and demanded proof. I just said when the time is right and tempers calm down I can provide proof to anyone who needs it. I'm surprised you don't believe your sister (my wife)though. And then my wife's sister said you should just part ways you can't make someone love you; I responded her affair isn't my secret and your right you can't lave a marriage when an affair is going on. So I am fighting for our marriage and I love my wife and you as a sister in law.

Her responses was I don't understand you sound crazy anyone's else would run the other way. I said I'm Christian and our marriage means that much to fight for.

Then she responded by well don't bring other people into your problems that's just crazy and wrong. I didn't want to argue so I just kept saying the affair needs to die and thi is a way for that to happen; is anyone hungry for some food????

They said NO! Hehe

You did very well!! Any idea where your wife is?

She in the house not talking to me she says it's over and you can take to my lawyer.

Btw I'm going to be on the Friday radio show - I'm nervous

Nice!!! I will be sure and listen!

She's at home ignoring me

I know I have a 50/50 chance in this succeeding; with Gods help I have. 100% chance. With you guys and gals help also.

My wife had contact with OM today on a text basis on a through away phone 313-999-5141. So I'm sure they were trying to get their stories straight.

The ship is sinking!

LMG, you are doing a good job.

Have you had direct contact with the OMW?

Try to go see her when the OM is out of the house. This way you will know that she has found out.

No I had no contact with the OMW at this time. They live in separate houses. They are in the process of divorce. I attempted to contact her through facebook messenger and she has not responded, I believe she blocked me because she may have not thought it real. So I went on to the county records website and found the OM and his wife's divorce complaint and contacted the OM wifes' divorce attny and let him know about the affair going on with my wife and the OMW husband. The atty was interested in hearing what I had to say and told me he was with a client and took my number and said he would call me back tomorrow.

This morning my wife would not talk to me, I tied to say our marriage is more important and we can work through this, but she is adamant saying. I have nothing to say to you all our talk can go through our lawyers. She also commented I cant believe you called all my friends and family and my boss. You even called my therapist! I replied I'm trying to end this affair, you promised yesterday to not talk to him (OM) and you did. what I did was not to humiliate you (boy that hit a nerve) but to expose this affair so it can stop and we can then work on our marriage. She said there nothing to work on now, you embarrassed me and Don't touch me ever again. I'm done with you and I'm done with Mike (OM) I need to work on myself.
I said you allowed me to touch you yesterday, but now today is different help me understand, she said its because you did what you did (expose).

I am having a hard time attempting to gain access to the OM family (numbers and address)

I'm trying to remain upbeat, but my wife has been saying it is over now for the last two-three months. I wonder how long she will be angry at me for this exposer. Also her family didn't seem to happy at me about the exposer. Her father said I don't get involved in my daughters life (what father says that!) and he didn't believe me so I said I have the proof if your willing to see, he responded she just had surgery so she could have had sex, so I told him the truth, it was but sex, you should have seen his face! I think I made him more angry...

I'm torn emotionally about this. I know this is normal, and I don't wish to lose hope but half of me says run and half says fight. I looked in scripture yesterday and found a few interesting verses.

HOSEA 3:1 (love you wife through adultery)
MATT 19:9 Divorce for unfaithfulness is acceptable under the law
1 CORN 7:15 If you have an unbelieving spouse she can leave, but if you are a believer you cannot.

This is the kind of clever and creative thinking that will help you throughout this process. This was a great idea. I would keep it up until you find the OM's parents. Have you tried online searches like pipl.com or whitepages.com? Can you find other relatives of the OM and maybe track back to his parents? If his PARENTS know your wife is a married woman they will not be so happy about accepting her into their family. That will ruin her plans!

I realize you are torn about saving your marriage, but you have nothing to lose by staying in there for a while and duking it out. You will probably win. But if you don't, you can always walk away. There is nothing about your situation that causes me to lose hope. In fact, I am more hopeful TODAY than I was when you first arrived. Your discovery and subsequent exposure increase your odds of recovery. You also have the ability to think under fire, which helps you immensely.

I have tried to contact some phone numbers from web searches for the OM's family mother etc., but the numbers are not valid. So my only hope now is through the Om's soon to be ex-wife. I hope the atty is receptive in giving the OM wife's this info so we maybe can chat and get more contacts.

The OM has been transferred at work yesterday, so he no longer works in my precinct. He also has some domestic charges his ex-wife brought against him through their divorce and his trial is coming up on may 23. I don't think he would risk anything more by coming over to our home, but people under stress to weird things.

As far as Plan A:

My wife this morning says you don't need to touch me, I don't want your love. I am done with all of you. I'm done with him, I'm done with you and I'm working on ME. I'm sorry you can't accept that (I said well I still love you) she said that nice...I can't say the same.

I told her what I did wasn't to humiliate you at all (her response okay in a sarcastic tone) It was to try to work on our relationship; she replied with; It was to have my character judged be people and it was to deface my value, oh yeah to my boss, that was nice... You really are F...ked up in the head.

My response is no, that is what you think, a normal person would try to save their marriage... (she yeah....okay....)

I asked is there anything you would like me to do today (around the house) she said yeah, leave my family alone.

Me: I contacted them for guidance
her: Oh they're going to guild me alright, don't put me in your thinking you keep saying us. there is no us.

me: I forgive you for actions...
her: then let me go.

Just stick with it! You dealt a major blow to her affair yesterday. The icing on the cake will be to speak to the OM's parents. That may be the death blow, so don't give up!!!

You are doing a great job in your approach to her but I would strike the "forgiveness" talk altogether. That is not the best thing for your marriage. Dr. Harley explains his reasoning here: here

Here is why exposure to OM's parents will be so critical. They have probably told the OM's parents a "story" about her marital status, or are planning to do so. If you go visit them and tell them their son is dating a very married woman and ask for their help, they will be less likely to allow her to come around. AND, she will not want to show her face over there if they know she is a married woman catting around.

If my son were having an affair he knows there would be hell to pay and he could NEVER darken my doorstep with an adulteress.

I would also suggest putting your divorce on hold. Can you do that? Tell your W you have rethought your actions and are dropping the divorce action. I can see she is using the divorce to justify everything.

my wife suggested we get a divorce last fall, she said she tried for a few months to see if she could get feelings back for me and it didn't happen, so that is when I think she went along with her affair.

as far as the OM parents' I believe there is only a mother. and I can't seem to find info on her. I'll try contacting the attorney for the OM spouse again, since he had not gotten back with me.

Today I'm sitting in the house feeling disgusted at what had happened here. I'm going to try to leave before she returns home from training and hang out with a close friend of mine to cheer me up for a couple of hours.

An affair is a great way to get your feelings back for your husband!! Love that wayward logic.....

I'm so hurt and betrayed by whom the OM was and of the affair.

I'm rethinking my whole strategy and wondering if I can get over this or move on with my life and divorce. I know that's not what God would like, but I'll wait till Dr. Harley talks with me on Friday marriage builders radio.

ps: yeah that logic of hers is retarded!

I did a boo boo. for Plan A

I came home in time to see my WS before she went to bed after a short time with my friend to get some support and out of the house due to the negative feelings I was having b/c of what happened in the house (the sex affair) on Monday.

I noticed she had thrown 2 cards and the balloons away. I asked, hey what happened to those cards I gave to you on the kitchen table. she said I threw them out. I said well I guess I should throw those flowers out as well, so I did. the flowers were from teacher appreciation day. the balloons were from her surgery last Friday. I know I shouldn't have done this, but My feelings are turning into disgust and resentment for the double betrayal of my spouse and my friend.

I'm questioning if saving this marriage is worth the pain. I understand pain goes away over time, and it is still very fresh (Monday it happened) but how many times before that I wonder?

I'm venting and thank you for listening. I did go see my Doctor and he prescribed an anti depressant for me to help me through this difficult time.

I have Friday and sat off this week. So Friday eve and Sat would be the only day we would have contact with one another. I believe the communication will be sparce, as she doesn't initiate. Plan B may be a better option since she does not seem to want to communicate with me. The problem will be the divorce will take 3-6 months to complete if we decide to go that route (she is pushing for it; I'm trying to stall it).

Has anyone had a betrayal of an affair and could not get over it? Or know how to get over it, please respond

Thats great!! You are trying to make the OM look good, right? You succeeded!!


Your pain will not go away if you get divorced, it will get WORSE. Your pain will go away if you hang in there and save your marriage. You have nothing to lose by hanging in there. I have seen much worse than this come back and turn into amazing, romantic marriages.


Good!! but stop venting. Venting just makes it worse.


Plan B is the WORST option. you need to PLAN to be home as much as possible so you can be with her. Are you working that out with your boss?


Of course we know how to get over it. WE ALL DID!!

[]
You cannot afford ONE angry outburst. NOT ONE. I assure you the OM did not blow up at her and toss her flowers and balloons in the trash. All you did was hand her more ammunition with which to shoot you with! You just reinforced her belief that you are NOT SAFE.

Wow.

Don't call that a "boo boo." That was a HUGE blunder that makes the OM her knight and shining armor.

I used to throw away cards and flowers markos left for me ALL. THE. TIME. He had this annoying habit of leaving me cards every morning, and I took them and shredded them to little, bitty pieces. The reason? They were making lovebank deposits, which was uncomfortable and I hated it. If he had come home and had an AO over the fact that I had tossed his notes, the lovebank deposits would have quickly evaporated.

Don't make it so easy for the OM to look great!!

I was not angry when I did that. I did not raise my voice but was very calm. I left the mum plant on the table from her surgery. but the flowers were tossed. but I do understand your logic. when I went to the trash, I noticed she popped every balloon (7) I gave her as a get well from the Friday surgery.

When I came back in the house she was in bed with the door closed and locked. I knocked and said are you going to bed, her reply yes, I said good night, her reply yeah....

I know it is an emotional mess for both of us. she wants the divorce so much and I know the affair won't last. we have no kids together. We have two dogs, I'm afraid the marriage may not be able to saved, due to her actions and demands of no contact.
in essence she has already divorced me, we sleep separately, she closed and locks her bedroom door, she has abandoned me. Can I regain this and why would I want to regain this because of her check out emotionally and non contact (no hugs kisses not even a brush of the arm) she demands me not to touch her at all. For my health and sanity it doesn't make sense for me.

but I know plan A is only been 2 days.

Emotional support for both of us is the only reason.

Do you have Dr. Harley's book? And are you listening to his radio show, daily?

I can't tell you how many times I heard markos say that.
It was an angry outburst. It was detrimental.

Do you have Dr. Harley's book? And are you listening to his radio show, daily?[/quote]

yes I have 3 of his books, and am going to be a guest on his Radio show.

yes I have 3 of his books, and am going to be a guest on his Radio show. [/quote]

I think you need to read Surviving an Affair and Love Busters once a week until this gets better.

ARE YOU LISTENING TO THE RADIO SHOW DAILY? "I am going to be on the show" is not an answer to my question. You need to learn how Dr. Harley solves other people's marital problems if you want to learn enough to save your own.

Well, The flowers are back on the table and in good condition.

I do listen to the show. every night before I lay down.

I am trying to change my shift at work, but it's not that easy to do.

We don't have much in common anymore, we have grown apart and I'm being realistic in the event she continues on the course of pressuring a divorce.

I do know people can fall back in love, but if the other party will not give you the chance then how. Every time I do something nice she always says, I don't want to give you false hope, I have made up my mind and its for us to divorce, I do not want you in my life and please stop doing things for me. So you can see her love bank is empty and maybe in the negatives. The exposer of the affair to her friends family and work has made her extremely angry.

I would be hurt emotionally if we were to divorce, but I know I would be hurt if we were to stay together as well. I constantly pray to the Lord for guidance and understanding in this matter and for her salvation and change of heart.

No you are not being realistic. Everyone who comes here has "grown apart." That is what this program fixes. It is not an excuse for divorce. No one would fault you if you wanted to divorce her over her affair, but "growing apart" is a bs reason for divorce. The solution for growing apart is to grow together.

You have grounds for divorce, ie: her adultery, your very short marriage. If yuo want that, we will help you.


You just described every person has an affair. It makes no difference in recovery. We are trying to help you turn all this around. You aren't telling us anything we didn't already know. It doesn't mean you can't have a great marriage.

Wel she at training today on days so I called and left a message on voicemail saying hi can you call me back please. So she calls me back and says why are you interrupting my training. I was like I'm not I called a left a voice mail you the one that called me back. She was like I thought it was an emergency; I replied no I just wanted to see how your training is going. She's like fine I told you I'm done with you and him. I said what are you talking about who's him? We can get through this and I love you. She keep lied I'm doone with all of you. I said again whoa are you talking about. She said it's not important our lawyers can talk for us. I then said I'd like to talk could you call me on your lunch she said I don't think that would be good. So I said I can understand; I do love you we can work through this. She said there's nothing to work through. I left her saying have a good day at training and remember I'll always love you.

It's sounds like she has checked out permanently; but why can't she even say the other mans name? I didn't want to press. And could tell she was a little upset at just talking casually. It's tough because it's hard for me to proceed if she's not receptive to Smalltalk

Do you believe that falling down drunks are "checked out permanently?" Or could you reasonably conclude that they are high on alcohol and will come to their senses once they sober up? Because that is exactly what you are dealing with. So it makes no sense to say she is "permanently checked out." Your job is to get her to CHECK BACK IN.

And the way you get her to check back in is a) run off the OM and b) do your very best to present YOURSELF as an attractive place to land.

In the meantime, be as pleasant and inviting as possible. Go out of your way to be around her when she is home.

Can you drop or delay your divorce action? I think filing for divorce is working against you.

And I want to add that if you made the decision to move on and not try, we will help you do that too. Only you can decide if this is worth saving. But don't make that decision on false notions like "she is checked out permanently" etc. WE can say that about EVERY wayward spouse, it is symptom of the fog. IT is an expectation, not an exception.

I was told by a coworker today that my wife is spreading vicious rumors on Facebook saying I'm harassing her family and friends and work. That prob was a result of calling them the other day in the expose phase. I left a nice voice mail and only called once so that does not constitute harassment.

It's beginning to turn ugly and I have to keep walking tall and obey the law due to my job.

That is called CYA!!

That is what I thought. (CYA)

I feel betrayed and feel sick. I have a hard time looking at her the same especially after hearing the recording. It's a terrible situation especially cause it involves a coworker/ former boss/and friend (no longer).

She put a few of our pictures away. Doesn't talk anymore since the exposure.
She doesn't care about my feelings. Her family hates me now for exposing their daughter. Her sister thinks I'm scum for airing our dirty laundry..lol. I told her sister this was her secret to keep not mine. She demanded proof of course I didn't show her the proof b/c her sister would have destroyed it.

I think for my own physical and mental health a divorce may be the solution.

This morning....

I said, good morning. I'm curious as to why all my papers in my computer rooms were messed up. she said I was looking for the wifi password, for my work I-pad. I sadi you could have just called me. then she slipped up and said well I needed it for my phone. I said your phone? it should already have the wifi connected. So then she looked surprised and then came clean and said she bought a new phone under her atty recommendation.

She handed me the old phone box with a business card from her atty. I said what's this?

her: my atty advised me to get a new phone and further contact can be btwn your atty and mine.

This is all fall out from the exposure. both phones were on the same account in my name so that was how I was able to contact her friends and tell them about the affair and ask for their support.

I asked why won't you just talk to me so we can discuss stuff. once again there is nothing to discuss I want to be alone (single) it's is over for us and him (meaning the OM) . I asked I would appreciate if you told me your new number for emergency purposes. she replied there is no reason for you and I to talk. I then said well I hope we could communicate this weekend. I still care for you. My heart hurts like you stabbing 1000 daggers in it. She said I'm sorry I hurt you I never meant to hurt you. I could tell she meant it cause she was getting teary eyed.

So I just said I hope we can talk this weekend. She then left for work.

I prayed last night and the Holy spirit told me to keep fighting for my marriage. I must try a different tactic if she won't have any communication with me. any suggestions?

no!! You try the SAME tactic!! You are getting through. Don't talk about your relationship, just focus on being as thoughtful and sweet as possible. Don't get discouraged so easily.

Well today, I was on the radio show, so you can listen all weekend. Melody, thank you for your encouragement. I am not being discouraged, but it is so hard....let me explain.

I had an errand to run, I come home and she is cutting the grass, she says did you says anything to the neighbor, I said what are you talking about. she said cause I said HI and he put his head down and just shook his head. You know I have to live here. I would appreciate if the neighbor don't knot know. (I honestly did not say anything to the neighbor) But know I think maybe talking to the my next door neighbor may help the situation.

so I told my wife I was going to cut the grass tomorrow on sat. she never cuts the grass on Friday if she cuts it at all, so I think she is trying to keep her mind busy off all this stuff.
I helped clean up some of the clippings and then said would you like to go somewhere for your birthday.. anywhere cause I have a free trip on my credit card. she said I don't want anything from you for my B-day; you know I hate my B-day and mother's day. I said well Its a day of celebrating you and I do love you.

So how bought doing something fun this weekend then. she said no, fun things are done with friends. I said would you like to go to dinner? she said no. I said, okay well I'm going to grab something to eat, would you like me to pick up anything...she said no I just want to be left alone. I thought you worked todays and I was happy to just relax by myself.

So I left to go to my mom's and grab some dinner, came home had to say HI 3 times before she responded...I think she was talking with her mom on the phone. I sat on the couch after her conversation was over I said honey would you like to goto a movie tomorrow? She said Don't call me honey, dear or anything.

I said, well I can stop loving you, and those are just terms of endearment. she said you act like nothing has happened. I said nothing has happened.

a little latter she new phone goes off from texts.. I said may I know who's texting you, cause she was hiding it. she said my sister. I said oh, what app is that cause it looks different, she replied I'm getting a text from my sister and Deedy at the same time.

I said It would really be nice if I could text you. she sadi you don't need my number right now. I said that was a rude thing to say since we are still living together and husband and wife. what if an emergency occurred? she had no answer for that and kept quite.

Do I need to push more or just keep doing what I am doing?

Also should I tell the neighbor's?

I wouldnt' talk to the neighbors. And I would just focus on being as pleasant as possible. If you ask her out and she says no, don't keep asking on the same day. Just wait awhile. Play it cool.


Nononono!! don't say that to her.

And I did listen to your show today. Good job!!

Joe Cool it is (Snoopy with Sun glasses).
Thanks for your support!

Today, I was planning on spending time at home with WS; she was working on her report cards in the morning, so I couldn't spend time then. But when she was getting ready (shower, hair makeup etc.) I asked would you like to grab some dinner together, she said no I'm going over to my parents house. (3 blocks away)

WS's car was at her parents house when I left our home to help a friend for some work he needed done. When my friend and I returned to my home her car was still at her parents. I left my car at the house and we went to go eat dinner in my friends car. After dinner my friend was driving me back to my house, but her car was gone from her parents home. I figured she was at home. Well she was not at home when I arrived home. So where ever she is she seems to be avoiding trying to spend time or contact with me.

I understand you can't make someone spend time with you; but if you have any suggestions or divine intervention all help would be appreciated.... lol

My thoughts on the matter are she will come home just to give her enough time to get ready for bed so she can avoid any conversations.

Do you have a GPS on her car?

And just keep it up with her. It will take some time to make progress. You might try a new tactic. Instead of asking her out, to which she just says NO!, why not try to be pleasant and get into some small talk with her? Think about things she likes to talk about. Ask for her help with ironing a shirt or cooking something.

I have not put the GPS on her car. My logic in that was why do it? For one, there are laws against that, which I have to be careful b/c of my job. Two, I already know she had an affair. The only reasonable point would be to see if she was telling me the truth that she is done with the OM. (yes I'm curious) But even if she is continuing to see the OM the relationship will not last, as the OM is a cheat and always will be.
In my state it would not help me if the divorce proceeds, as it is a no-fault state. It may help with asset division only.
The best thing I can hope for is to plant a seed in WS's heart. Now, she already told me she hates her birthday, so I have to be very careful on how I proceed for her B-Day(May 25th).
I was going to get a card and write a nice note about our future together or something... and a couple of scented candles, which she loves.

The point is so you will know if the affair is still active. If the affair is still active, you need to be applying pressure on her to end it. You ARE married!! Your chances of recovery are all dependent upon her ending the affair. Last I checked in your state, it was illegal to commit adultery.

AS her husband, you have a right and a need to know everything she does.


Good idea!

Do you have still have a VAR placed in your home so you can listen to her talk on the phone? Knowing her plans will help you immensely. For example, there is typically fighting in affairs. If that is happening, you can step in at opportune times and look like the golden boy. It is always good to know what your enemy is doing. [enemy=affair]

Yes var is in place. Funny thing is I never heard her talk on the phone with the OM. I believe they were texting using an app. But now that she has a new phone she may be tempted to talk now. Good advice as always.

I would plant a VAR in her car also if you haven't already.

I can't she hides the keys. I already know the affair and exposed it; it appears a divorce is what she desires, I'm holding out being loving so one day she come around. Sooner than later I hope.

BUT, you still need to spy and find out what she is doing. Is the affair still active? If so, you need to address that. Just because you discovered the affair does not mean you stop fighting it.

Plan A means doing everything in your power to kill the affair.

I hear yeah; maybe that's why she got another phone I don't know. All I know is emotionally I'm a wreck but I don't show her that. This morning I said good morning babe; she said what? I said good morning babe. She said don't call me that. I then said how did you sleep she said terrible; i said I'm sorry to hear that; what are your plans for today; she said I don't know.

Well I have to work the afternoon shift, and I know she has to get her report cards done but there is no way for me to contact her while I'm at work anymore so this is an awkward situation for me.

Gps isn't fully charged to install on her vehicle yet.

Can you speak to your boss about getting on the day shift?

Today she said it's over I just want to be alone I don't want anything to do with you anymore and it has nothing to do with the affair and I was just trying to talk to her about our relationship. I also said can you prove to me that the affair is over with because I getting a new phone in changing all your passwords that doesn't ring with what you're saying . She said no I don't have to. I'm uncomfortable in my own house and I don't want to talk to you that's why I leave and go to my parents.

She said why can't you just let it go and I said because I care for you I love you and I'm sorry about my part in all of this not showing you your emotional needs I just want my wife back that loving funny best friend I have .

She said that woman is gone and then she left to go over to her parents house for dinner . So when she left I said goodbye and I hope we can talk soon

STOP TALKING about your relationship and start wooing her back. You shouldn't be having these discussions. Try to make small talk with her, leave her notes and gifts.


nononno!! Stop trying to have "TALKS." Just think about how you would behave if you were trying to get to know some woman at work... Would you jump all over her with "relationship talks" or would you to try to win her over?

Don't ask her anymore if she is still having an affair. Don't ask her to prove anything. Quietly SPY on her and find out. When you find she is in contact, tell her how much the affair hurts you and ask her to end all contact.

I'm not trying to do any love busters but it seems talking to her is annoying her
She said we're roommates there's no romantic connection anymore so there's nothing to talk about

She is going to be annoyed, but she is going to run for her life if you keep bringing up your relationship and asking her to "prove" she is not in contact!! Just think, it was a few short days ago you blew up and threw away her balloons!!


WE KNOW THIS!! So start slow and be creative in your communications. Try to do some nice things for her. For example, make a dinner you know she likes. Plan it so you are cooking when she comes in. Ask her if she would like a plate. She will tell you to go to hell, but after awhile she will thaw out. You have to be consistent and STOP being so unpleasant!

Just think of turtle. The turtle keeps his head in the shell when he is threatened. When he thinks the threat has lessened, he pokes his head out every once in a while to test the waters. If it is safe, pretty soon he sticks it out more and more. You just have to be consistent and be PERFECT every time you see her.

She threw her own balloons and cards out; I said I was going to throw out her flowers but I didn't; they are back on the table. I understand what you are saying in playing it cool.

So talking to her - she thinks that's unpleasant. I'll just have to leave notes and communicate through that. She does not wish to spend any time together. She said today no dinner, no movies, no walks; I just want you to leave me alone and I want to be alone. I feel we are just roommate for the time being; and I don't know why you are holding up this divorce...

SO, when you are home, try to have small talk with her. Stop doing the same things and be more creative.

LMG,
This isn't going to get fixed overnight. It's a process and it takes time, sometimes a very long time. Look at Sue and John's saga in SAA.

Stop talking about the affair. Stop talking about the status of the relationship. Get yourself into courtship mode. That doesn't mean flowers every day, but it does mean being thoughtful, kind, charming, dapper, upbeat, and positive each day. This is a war not a battle, and it will take for time for her to believe that you are changed man. And as long as the affair is going on, your love bank deposits will be neutralized. That's why its important to keep fighting to kill the affair.

Think back to when you first started courting your wife. How did you act? Fast forward to now. Will pressuring with relationship talk help? No. She is in a fog so I guarantee you it won't.

So your plan should be to continue battling the affair like your friend Wifedivorcing did. And continue to make love bank deposits by meeting the emotional needs you know she has and by being the best suitor you can possibly be without pressing her too hard. Play it cool and don't act desperate and avoid being suffocating, but at the same time be thoughtful, warm, funny, and caring.

Thank you for your insight.

I don't think I pressuring with relationship talk; I'm just trying to have normal meaningful conversations like how was your day, what do you have planned for today. How's you mom doing. What type of groceries would you like me to pick up?

But all this stuff seems to just irritate her; she reiterated stop with the questions I don't want to have small talk. I don't know why you are holding the divorce up. Just let me go.

Okay everyone, here's an update. Sunday 15th, 2016 I arrived home from work a little after midnight (12:16 ish)

My WS wrote me a note and left it on the counter. this is the note verbatim.

"husband,

I am sorry that you are hurting and for that I trully am. I don't have to prove anything to you, I have to prove to God only for my forgiveness. We are not husband and wife as far as I am concerned, and we won't be once we are divorced. You need to work on yourself and I the same. I'm done, you can't force me. I will always find something to do with my family or friends, or go out to Deedy's on the days we are both off. We are done doing things together. I want peace and I don't need any relationship
We can be civil though this whole thing!!! I want that but I'm not ready for no talk right now."

She was already in bed and the door bedroom door locked. I was thinking of just leaving a note saying a simple thank you for your note.

shall I or leave it be.

I wrote a reply which is kind and customary;

(Wife's name)

Thank you for the letter you left me, I would like to write more, but had a rough day and I am exhausted. I hope you slept well and have an outstanding day (smiley face) with love (my name)

Have a questions with some do's and dont's. That me wonderful posted in noteable posts.



OK...the list of Do's and Don'ts.

Do's
1. Act Happy
2. Get a life (new activities, etc.)
3. repeat over and over..."I will make it"
4. Actively LISTEN....keep conversations "to the point...small talk" ...don't blow it up beyond the waywards current comfort zone and/or ability to logically carry on a conversation. Their mind is elsewhere so you are just trying to keep them in the present.
5. Tend to Agree (Thank you for your truthfulness, It seems that way, you have a point)
6. Expand your social relationships (Being especially aware of your own vulnerability and keeping sharing and time with opposite sex relationships to an absolute minimum)
7. Get sexy (gym, new clothes, new cologne, shower gel, etc)
8. Focus on your strengths and Positives...don't put yourself down verbally or constantly go over what you did wrong
9. Accept Uncertainty (Do your best today and let God take care of tomorrow)

DON'Ts

1. Repeatedly say "I love you"
2. Ask questions that don't have answers yet
3. Criticize, complain, whine or nag
4. Say, "I've changed"....allow the wayward spouse to simply judge your actions
5. Argue, Reason or Plead
6. Don't get family or friends overly involved in recovery (notice I said "in recovery", EXPOSURE to bust up an active affair IS ESSENTIAL and EXPOSURE to the OP's spouse is an absolute MUST)
7. Act helpless or depressed (it may be hard to imagine this but YOU will make it regardless whereas without you, your spouse won't)
8. Discuss morality, invoke God or Dr. Laura type babble
9. Suggest marital counseling (must be the waywards idea and is usually a waste of time anyway unless it's with the Harley's or a counselor that uses MB materials)
10. Tell them continually "we need to work on the relationship"
11. GIVE UP

On #6 do- expand social relationships (friends) I know I should spend a lot of time with WS but if she decided to leave to do something I would like to go over a friends house do I tell her that or keep her wondering? Sometimes wondering may make her think what I am doing and cause her to think of me; although I would like to tell her where I go she doesn't tell me where she goes. My friend wife divorcing said his wife would think of him and where he went when he wouldn't tell her; but I know every situation is different; jealousy of not knowing where the other is may spark interest in thinking of the other and start conversation when then other spouse returns home. Any thoughts.

Don't try to make her jealous. That is a HUGE TURN OFF to women. If she is home, I would plan to be there with her.

You really need to be on the day shift to move this forward. Any progress on that front? Being on the night shift just promotes your independent lifestyles. Can't you go to your boss and tell him about your situation and ask for his help?

I'm trying to have a meeting with the chief. To discuss that possibility.

Yeah!!

Last night I heard my wife break down and cry before bed on the VAR. so I k ow prayer is working and she is probably confused as well. I just need my wife to turn the corner and want to work on the relationship.

She still bad mouths me to her friends; on the recorder ; but her breaking down and crying is a sign that she prob feels bad about doing that...

So this is your opportunity to make her feel better and be there for her. Hoping your boss puts you on day shift!

She is confused, torn and lost. She isn't feeling guilty. She cries because her fantasy affair is falling apart. She doesn't know where to go. That is why you need to present yourself as a safe, happy place to land.

Rodger that!

I will be able to spend a few hours with her tonight; she doesn't know I have range training so I'll be home around 7pm; she doesn't goto bed till 9pm

I'll ask her about her day and keep the conversation focused to her needs

She's already being defient.

Her- Why are you home? I had training (range), you never where your uniform to the range....I replied yes I do. I then said I already walked the dogs cause she was preparing them. I asked would you like me to walk with out? No I don't want you to walk the dogs with me. I don't need your help with getting them harnessed either.

I said okay be safe.

Fast fed took a shower now she back home - imma try to cook dinner for us.

Great!

I I could tell she upset; so I said I can tell you are stressed what can I do to help you; she said you could be at work. I said in a nice voice; really now? She said yes. Then I asked about dinner? She said not hungry.
I'm here for you; she then said what is gong on with your lawyer?

I said I don't want to talk about the divorce. She replied well you told me to be honest with my feelings so I am wondering. And I wish you to leave me alone.

Now she went to go make a drink! With alcohol.

I can just keep showing love without being overbearing. And a lot of prayers!

She locked the bathroom she never does that; she's taking a shower.....

Go make dinner!

She keeps wanting to talk about the divorce... I keep deflecting the conversation; and it's making her frustrated.

I'm going to try to sit with her while she watches TV. At least we'll be in the room together and it may spark some conversation

Just tell her you don't know anything. Say you don't know anything and ask if she has heard from her lawyer.


yep!

I made eggs and turkeys sausage.

She had the sausage but not the eggs. She made a bagel with cream cheese and tomato to have with her sausage. So I guess 50% is good. Or a start.

100% good!!

I asked her if she would like to watch some walking dead (recorded) she said no you can watch what you want. I said I'd like to watch what you want ( she was watching friends).
She then handed me the remote and went to her bedroom. I asked if she was going to bed; she said no I just want to be left alone. She took her book and her iPad. I put a note in her book awhile ago. Saying you are beautiful with a big happy face. She hasn't gotten to that chapter yet, I can't wait till she does. She's 3 chapters away....:)

She is really annoyed that I am home... I wonder why what plans have I hanged for her?
Or she really is done with our relationship. I refuse to accept the later.

Of course she thinks she "really is done!" The goal here is to turn that around!

Just keep at it.

Oh I forgot to say; when I was helping her with making the bed: yes she was a little upset I was helping... But she said I hope you don't get me anything for my birthday - I've told you before I hate my birthday and Mother's Day. (Mother's Day cause she can't have any kids, and this was a dream of hers). I asked if she be willing to share why she hates her birthday but she said don't worry about it.

She said please don't get me anything cause I won't open your card and throw any your present and I don't want you to be upset. Who says those things???

I replied I just treat others how I would like to be treated and I would like to receive something on my bday.

So I will get her a card a scented candle and a gift certificate to a salon.

It's hard sitting in the other room while she is in her bed room; but I do have to respect her space making her angry won't help the situation.

She watching some TV in her bedroom, I went to go ask her if she wanted some bear claw ice cream, replied no. I said whatcha watching? She said one of my shows. I stood there watched a few seconds and said what's it called. She said; The GIrlfriend Experience.

No wonder we are having problems that's a new show and crap for building relationships....lol

We just actually worked together to put drops in one of our dogs eyes

The eggs are still on the stove in the pan; should I clean them up or allow her to do it since those were her portion. I could put them in a bowl for the dogs as well.

CLEAN UP THE KITCHEN!!!

I took care of the eggs and wished my Wife goodnight I even brushed her shoulder with my hand. she pulled away slightly and said don't in a soft moan voice; but it wasn't like adamant like last week. So today I would say a little progress was made. I'll refrain from touch until more love deposits are made.

I can see now why I need to be home at the same time. Even though she was upset in the beginning of the day I could tell she became conflicted with showing me no emotion while I showed her attention.

You got it!! And the more you are apart the more she will demonize you.

I'm going crazy not knowing her new phone number. She turned the old one off and said last week I don't need the new number because of the exposure.

I was wondering how to ask her for the new one cause I'd like to text her some nice things when we are apart.

Today (Friday) I had the day off.

I bought some new flowers to place on the table of the dinning room because the old ones were wilting. I left a note saying; " (her name, I hope you had a fantastic day! Here is a bouquet of beautiful flowers for a beautiful woman! -with love me"

I was outside when she arrived home playing with one of our dogs, so I entered the side door and my wife the front. immediately she said what are these, I said huh? what... How many times did I tell you not to get me anything, I said there's a note attached. I did it because the old ones were wilting and it brightens up the house .

She replied, if you want to get me a bouquet, make should the divorce papers are in it, that would make me happy. I started to laugh a little cause she was smiling and chuckling when she said it. I just said "Really now???" and she said yes. So not to argue I just said I do not want to talk about divorce and asked how her day went, the answers were short.

fast fwd. sitting on the couch together, I said I can tell something is bothering you, would you like to talk? she replied I debating weather or not to goto my friends Deedy's because I told you I do not want to be home when you are home. So I said, Can I ask you something? she looked... I said where did our relationship go. once again she said I checked out long time ago. I know recently you have stepped up and began to help with a bunch of stuff, but it's too late; I want a divorce, I replied I will not divorce you because I do not believe you can just turn off your emotions like a light switch. I still care for you, believe in you and love you, that will never go away.

She received a text, so I asked for her phone number in case of emergency. she said I have my family you have yours for emergencies. then She said, my therapist told me not to do this...(I guess talking to me) because my wife never said what exactly her therapist said.

I could see where this was leading, so I quickly halted and said lets not talk about this. How' bout dinner? she replied I'm not hungry, okay, It's Friday, lets go do something fun! she said you don't get it. That note I left you the other day...I meant what I said, we aren't going to be doing anything together.

I can understand why due to everything that has happened. I left it at that.

I asked if she wanted any carryout and I left to go get some dinner with my Mom, since I haven't seen her and to discuss everything.

When I arrived home she was already in bed, but got up to use the bathroom when I walked in so I said goodnight, and she said goodnight.

I was able to put the GPS unit on the vehicle after she went to bed, so now I can gather more evidence.

I think the affair must still be going on the way she is acting. Maybe she has some deep rooted issues that she needs to deal with alone without me in the picture. She did go from her first marriage to US without any break. I looked up her first divorce paperwork and she started dating me 1 month before her divorce was final. She has said she needs time to work on herself and she wants to be alone. It's hard for me to see that if that is the truth. I can wait till she figures things out, but she may not wait. I need to keep fighting and know I did everything possible before this divorce is eminent.

Yep, the "deep rooted issue" is that she is having an affair. Its not any more complicated than that, I promise you! Just hang in there, you are doing just fine.

Anything new on the job front?

Thanks ML,

nothing new on the job front other than the boss saying I'm working on it.

I'm so frustrated... It seems like no one is willing to do anything. No investigation, for conduct unbecoming (that is what my former boss should be charged with)

I keep pressuring them, that's all I can do. I waiting to meet with the Chief still.

This world is so crazy, everyone I meet is like just get over it and move on with your life. I'm like easy for you to say, it's not you that this is happening too and it's not the Christian thing to do.

I do have friends that support me and all of you Plus I have a friend at the PRCT where the OM/former boss was transferred too. He offered to be my spy

Radio Clip of LMG's Show
Segment #2
Segment #3

Thanks Brainhurts for linking that.

It's Saturday morning; I have today off. Unknown what the wife is planning today. She"s a little distant again today. Although I was sitting in the living room watching a Christian channel, and she blew up saying really??? I said what does that mean, I can't believe what your watching. So this just proves to me that what's going on in our relationship is spiritual warfare.

She sat on the floor next to where I was on the couch and was playing with the dogs. I could feel she was being slightly receptive...I asked would you like to watch something? She said no I'm going to take a shower soon.
In the past I used to give her back and shoulder massages when she sat on the floor so I asked would you like a massage she turned her head and rolled her eyes and said Nooo... (Sarcastically)

A few minutes went by and we were just hanging out with the dogs and watching tv; so I tried to rub her back and she said what are you doing; You said you used to love back massages. She didn't say anything. She pulled away so I stopped and then she hopped in the shower... And locked the bathroom door.

No more pushing for physical contact. Its like the book says one step forward two steps back.

Patience is my new word now! Continue to gather evidence and have patience with my love kindness. WWJD

So you know to stop doing that, right???? The last thing you need to do right now is convey the sense that she is being judged. You and I know this is spiritual warfare, but you need to be more clever than the devil.


It's ok to ask but when she says no, then STOP IT. Don't just keep doing it if she says no.


You got it!!

I overheard her talking to her girlfriend today.

Her counselor is pushing her in the wrong direction. He said he doesn't know why I would want to continue a relationship after all that happened. Plus He said what I did was childish high school stuff on the exposure. And then said I'm trying to win by not giving in to a divorce. But I did hear my wife say that the counselor thinks I do love my wife; but not to let that sway your thinking or fall into a trap by not getting a divorce. He is reaching because he only k owns one side of the story. Who says that!!!!!!

Then my wife said to her girlfriend, right he thinks he can change my mind- well he won't. So my wife is getting bad support from her so called best friend.

This battle has just begun I say!
Patience! I say
Continue to show love. Because I k ow it is working; otherwise she would not be calling her best friend and getting reassurance that she thinks she is doing the right thing.

So what if my wife says a little to late; at the very least she will remember me as a kind loving man!

She will question her decisions more and more so just hang in there!! You are doing just great.

Do you know the name of her counselor? If so, I would anonymously send him/her EVERY one of Dr. Harley's books.

I'll have to check my phone records, for the name, because I called him the day of my short exposure of the affair, and he did not return my call.

I don't have the financial resources to purchase all the books and mail the counselor. I'll try to figure something out, b/c this counselor is putting on the breaks for my wife's heart to open up to me.

The affair is still going on!

I got confirmation today from the gps unit on her vehicle.she went out to his side of town- she has no friends or family out there and no reason to be less than a mile from his house.

How long was she out there? Are you pretty sure she was with him?

I have a video of her exiting his car and they kissed and the she drove home .
So she is lying and the affair is still going on.


What to do now?

When you see her next, tell her you know she is still seeing the OM and ask her to end her affair. Tell her how much it hurts you that she is seeing this man.

Can you get him in more trouble at his new post?

I was going to leave a note on the counter tonight saying how she is the best wife in the world!

And not say anything about what I know immediately

Her bday is on the 25th so I was going to take the day off. Because I'm sure she was gong to do something with the OM.

Every time you find there has been continued contact, you should tell her you know and ask her to stop hurting you. I would also call the OM and tell him you know his adultery continues and ask him to stay away from your wife.

Can you cause some trouble for the OM?

I cannot contact the OM because I was ordered not to have contact with him by my superior. The Police dept has rules and regulations plus they are very pro active against hostile work environment that is why they transferred him immediately. If I was to contact him the OM could tell the department that I am harassing him and I can get into trouble. I possible can ask the capt for a meeting with him to confront him, but i need my capt to do his investigation without giving my capt any information so the OM can be caught up in a trick bag. ***EDIT***
I was told today by a good source (WD) that he is telling folks at his new command that myself, my wife and him had threesomes for awhile, which is a total false claim! Once my friend told me that today I became so upset...It appears though that th OM is start to make up stories to help him. prob is, my capt asked him a month ago in his office if he was having an affair with my wife and he denied it; so right there is a lie.

I need to pressure my capt tomorrow to start this investigation and also investigat/talk to my wife. (this would be a public record a police investigation) so my wife would want to tell the truth and she would (I hope) say we didn't have threesome's b/c we didn't unless he's got her so fogged that she would lie for him...

I'm so hurt and need to do the right thing here, so I look for your guidance. I am going to write that note and leave it on the counter saying, " you are the most wonderful wife in the world!" I hope that will tug on her heart strings, but I know if the affair is going on love deposits are neutralized.

Melodylane,

I took your advice this morning. She was getting ready for work...

I said good morning I asked how last night went, she immediately told me she ended up going out with a GIrlfriend instead f going over to her parents house. I said oh, what did you have for dinner she made up some lie 1000degree pizza.

I then said you know it hurts me when you still see MIke, she said I'm not seeing him I already told you that. Then I said well I received a call from one of mike's neighbors yesterday and they said they saw you over his house. She said IT wasn't me, so I said well I did show them a picture of you and they said that yep that was her; she said I'm not seeing Mike. I said okay then look me in the eye and swear on your moms life that you are not still seeing him; she said no I'm not doing that.

I then said well I just want you to know it hurts me really bad that you are still seeing him and we can't work on our relationship if you still are seeing him.

Dead silence.... I asked her if she was listening; she said yes.

I brushed her back with my hand and she didn't pull away. And i walked off into the kitchen to take my morning pill. I noticed the note I left was gone. By this time she was in the kitchen also. She said I saw it. She was washing her hands so I walked up behind her placed my arm on her shoulders and said you're the most wonderful wife in the world. She paused and said stop and turned toward me I placed my right hand on her shoulder and she said please don't touch me, so I withdrew my hand.

She walked back to the bathroom to get ready for work and I wished her a good day at work, she was receptive and said thank you.

I bet she is wondering how I knew; but I told her a neighbor called me. My wife must really be deep in this affair to lie after I said what I said, but the funny thing is she didn't mention a divorce once in this whole morning conversation.

I bet she calls OM immediately once she leaves for work and tells him this new info.

The OM has his domestic violence trial today from his current wife which they are going through a nasty divorce. So I'm sure my wife went over there to consol him yesterday.

I think you handled this really well but I wanted to address the above paragraph. Don't ASK her what she did when you KNOW what she did. Just TELL her. Just tell her you know she was with the OM at his house yesterday from XYZ. Throw in a couple of key details so she knows you know. You don't need her confession that she went to the OM's, you need to tell her you know. See the difference?

I talked with my Capt today. He is going to start an investigation. He asked me what I expect as the outcome. I said at least it's conduct unbecoming, and he was my supervisor so it falls under a hostile work environment

He said he would interview me, my wife, the OM, and his wife.

He brought up the grape vine rumor of a threesome happening for awhile and I quickly said that is totally false! The OM is trying to save face

Is the "hostile work environment" something you can discuss with a lawyer?

Yes I put a call into my lawyer and he's checking into it. Problem is they transferred the OM/supervisor when I talked with my Capt initially and informed him what was going on. They are still seeing each other and I told my Capt we will eventually cross paths again so you need to do this investigation immediately.

Politics in the Dept. I'm just so upset they are trying to do nothing and telling me to just move on with my life. I told me Capt I want to co front the OM, but want him as a witness; otherwise the OM will say I'm harassing him. I'm stuck in this revolving door.

I pray everyday for our marriage to be restored and the affair to end; but the OM needs pressure on him to stop seeing my wife also.

I'm hoping when I tell my wife the Capt needs to nterview her it will be a wake up call from her fog.

You can also tell her that the OM is spreading a rumor that you had a threesome. Really lay it on thick! Tell her the Captain said that!!

I thought about that but didn't wanna tip my hat

You need to tell her that!! That will cause her to doubt the OM.

Before or after her birthday on the 25th!

I could tell her in the morning when she's getting ready for work...
And say the OM is spreading vicious rumors about you saying you been having threesomes with the OM and strippers and I've been involved and the Capt said that is what OM (mike) is saying at work. I could even say he doesn't care about you if he spreading those rumors....

I just don't want to hinder the investigation. I want to get the OM caught in a lie.
But doing what you said could cause a rift in their affair.

So, is it better to tell her or let the Capt ask that question?
Won't telling her just give them time to iprepare canned responses to the Captain? I'm just curious...

nnonono, don't put it like that. Tell her you are "concerned" about some of the things the OM is saying and feel she should be aware of it. "He has been telling people we had a "threesome" with you and I am very offended he would say that! The captain knows this story and I am asking you to ask OM to stop repeating this lie."

Don't say he doesn't care about her. Let her come to that conclusion on her own. YOU just need to present you care and concern about things the OM has said.

It wasn't one time the Capt made it seem like it's been going on for awhile. With others also.

Maybe I should write it in a note, because I don't want to mess up the delivery.???

@didntquit. I thought the same it may give them time to get stories straight; but I need to be interviewed and he is going to interview the OM wife as well. I don't know why he would interview her.

Get what story straight? Do you truly believe she WANTS to get the "story" straight that she had a threesome with you and the OM? That doesn't make any sense.

All you have to do to prove there is an affair is produce your evidence. But you risk nothing by telling her the OM is repeating this story about a 3-some. And you have everything to gain from telling her!

no!! just practice saying it like I told you.

For what it's worth, I was referring to giving her advanced notice that the captain would be interviewing all parties...I think it's great to tell her how the OM is spreading disgusting false rumors.

Just ignore me.

Well I did it!

I said...can I talk to you...

I'm concerned about some of the things mike is saying and feel you should be aware of it.

He has been telling people at work we have had threesomes with you and strippers and I'm very offended he would say that! And it's been going on for the past 6 months.

My Capt knows this cause he told me yesterday and I ask you to tell mike to stop spreading these rumors and lies!

She replied first you tell me not to talk to mike and now you want me to tak to him? I said you saw him yesterday because the neighbors sent me a picture. I'm concerned for your repuatation. She said you already ruined that when you called my friends and boss and told them I was a whore! (Exposure) I said what? I called them and said I was concerned for my marriage and knew you were having an affair and asked for their help and support. She rolled her eyes...

So I then said well my Dept has launched an internal investigation and I handed my Captains business card to my wife and said he would like you to call him.
My wife said I'm not talking to no one without my lawyer and I'll give my lawyer his card (business card of the Capt) today.

My thoughts... WOW wasn't what I expected!

She was angry and said why don't YOU call Mike and tell him yourself! I told my wife I was ordered not to talk to him. Plus I'm concerned for your reputation because he is spreading your name across work also.
(Stretching the truth- b/c my Capt actually told me to refrain from talking to the OM/Mike)

So my wife gets In she shower and says leave me alone this morning; I hit a big nerve with this one. But good one I believe; I mean what reason would she have to get so mad. My thoughts is because now she has to be interviewed about this affair she denies still going on.

So I gave her her wish and went back into my bedroom and fell back to sleep cause it's 610am.

Good job!!

Thank you! You are great Mel.

My wife dropped the coats business card off at her attorney's Ofc. So I wonder if she will even cooperate. Time will see.

Most of you know my wife got a new phone and didn't share the number.

The old phone she gave to me, but I put it back in her bedroom. She keeps it on the book shelf. I'm still laying on it cause it's in my name.

When I came home tonight for some reason I checked her teacher satchel on the dinning room table and found the old iPhone in the box in the satchel. I thought is she trying to sell it? I want to take it out and keep it but I don't want her to be made that I went through her teacher bag.

I'm still paying on it and it is in my name.

sorry for the miss spellings, I was on my iphone when I typed that. I meant to say I am still paying on it b/c its in my name. I did take it out of her satchel and hid it, because I think she is trying to sell it. she doesn't use it anymore and for the past week it's been on her bookshelf. Since we are still married I find that what I did may upset her a little, but it is justified it's worth ($800.00) we just purchased them in January and both phones are in my name on my account.

Her B-day is today, so I bought her a small chocolate cake and put (H A P P Y - B I R T H D A Y) candles on it. I bought her two nice scented candles and a very nice card. put the candle and card in a green gift bag and placed the gift bag on the dinning chair next to her teacher satchel.

The card read;
Front of card: had a woman's silhouette with some flowers and "A birthday promise for my Wife"
inside of card:
(I added Dear, wife's name)
"There aren't enough words to tell you how special you are to me. There aren't enough ways to show you how happy you make me, or to thank you for everything we share together. There aren't enough lifetimes to give you all the love you deserve...
But I want you to know I will never stop trying, never stop caring, never stop loving you with all my heart.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY! (I added 'To my beautiful Wife' Love me)


Now If my wife gets angry or asks me why I went into her bag and took the I-phone plus out
My rebuttle will be; when I placed the gift bag on the dinning chair your bag fell off the dinning chair. When I picked your bag up I noticed the I-phone plus box, which you gave back to me since you purchased your own phone on your own account. Hopefully the phone thing is not a love buster, but she's still seeing the OM so my deposits are not being received fully.

My wife also went to the Car Dealer today. I do not know if she is trying to get out of her lease and get a different car or if she had something wrong with her vehicle, but the gps put the vehicle in the parking lot and not in the service garage, so more than liking she looking at getting rid of her vehicle.

To me that is not a good sign, coupled with the I-phone in her teaching bag, it sounds like she is hurting for money, which I know she is behind on two bills. She hasn't said anything about the divorce this week, but I'm taking tomorrow off (b/c its her Birthday)and maybe Thursday. (Fri Sat Sun and Mon are my regular days off) I'll be home and it will bother her, because she won't be able to see the OM. She'll probably try to go somewhere to avoid me rather than talk. but who knows after the bombshell I dropped on tues morning about the rumors and investigation.

Well her birthday is over and her cake and presents and card are still on the table unopened. When my wife came home from work I wished her happy birthday she said thank you and said I told you not to get me anything because I do not want to be a [censored]

I told you that I would want something for my birthday so I do onto others what I would like done to me. I asked her if she would like to go to her favorite restaurant for dinner. She said no my mom is cooking for me today I asked if I was invited and she laughed and said no. I said I don't understand why she said because we're getting a divorce I said well I don't want to be the bad person Here. I believe you want to divorce because of your affair and it hurts me to know that you keep lying when you see Mike the other man. She said she's not seeing him so I repeated what exactly happened on Sunday with her parking behind a Panera bread Mike picking her up going to Mike's house spending five hours at his house him returning her to her car they kissed in the car and she came home.
She still denied it so I said well there is proof and it will have to come out in court if you keep denying this and I do not want that because I do not want to soil your reputation .
Then I checked my email and found out she filed an affidavit not under oath with her attorney to have me removed from the marital residence based on nine facts of lies. then I check my email and found out she filed an affidavit not under oath with her attorney to have me removed from the marital residence based on nine facts of lies
I told her you know when we go to court you will be sworn in on and you will have to tell the truth and this evidence will be there of the affair . I think that really scared her because when she left to go to her mothers I said enjoy yourself and she look like she was teary-eyed and crying . then five minutes later I hear a big pounding on the door and it's her sister and her brother-in-law asking if they can talk to me so I step outside on the porch and her brother-in-law says your wife says you wanted to talk to me. I said I don't know what you're talking about I never said that so both of them try to gang up on me so I just give her the divorce I said your sisters not telling you the truth she's having an affair that's why she wants a divorce and I have evidence and it will come out in court so if you'd like to be there for the at your more than welcome . by this time I think Lisa heard that I was making headway by talking to them about the affair so she told them to just get back in the car and she would let her attorney deal with it because she still lying to her family .
So weak from Friday I have my first court date . I'm still going to show my wife love and compassion and try to minimize any arguments .

I think you did a super job mentioning the affair to her and how you will bring this into the divorce action! What a stroke of luck that she sent her sister and BIL up to speak to you, giving you an opportunity to tell them all about the affair! Keep up the good work. See how your intel is helping you burst her fantasy?

Yeah, but I'm a wreck....lol. So stressed out. Wife divorcing is helping me cope also. He tells me to listen to your advice!

I'll keep everyone posted. Thank you for your continued support!!!!

What I would like to say. To my wife is come clean with your family about the affair and I'll grant you the divorce.

This will give me peace and mind that her family would then probably support me; because she has demonized me to her family.

NO!! Hell no!! Do not say that. You have given her family all the evidence they need to know the truth. They choose to believe her and they choose to believe her demonization of you.

If the goal here is to not get divorced, why would you make such a crazy deal? Besides, she is not an indentured slave and doesn't need your permission to get a divorce.

Call your lawyer TODAY and tell him she is trying to get you put out of your home. You need to put a stop to that!

Thankyou for keeping me on the right track!
Yes I know I was just thinking out loud!

I have already discussed the matter with my Attorney. He feels confident the judge will not allow her claim.

Court date is June 3rd. But this court date will make me have to serve her the papers for divorce. What I was stalling to do for 90 days to work things out.

My wife's lawyer is pushing the issue and forcing my hand; my lawyer says he trying dirty tactics.

Gotcha! You do need to do everything to protect yourself legally especially since you know she is making up crap to get you booted from your home. Did wifedivorcing tell you what happened to him?? Waywards can be EVIL.

My wife seems to be PLAN B ing me.

by avoiding contact with me in the house. I think her counselor told her to do that b/c usually that is how you get over someone to avoid them.

I need suggestions to initiate contact. Everything I ask or do she says no to. so I just say if you change your mind let me know.

at the present she in in PJ's sitting in her bedroom watching T.V. playing with her ipad.

her birthday stuff is still on the table, I asked if she wanted a piece of cake, she said, no, but said you can if you want. (that was nice of her)

I'm trying to eliminate any love busters, i.e. going into the bedroom sitting on the bed and making her upset. I need to be extra cautious because of this upcoming court date. I just do not want to ignore her, like she is ignoring me.

I ask the usually pleasantries, goodmorning, how was your day, Do you need me to help you make the bed, would you like me to help you with something, what needs to be done, which I can help with. etc... and all I received is a one word answer; no, good, nothing, don't worry about it. etc.

confused b/c my wife has shut down.

Just keeping being pleasant!

Will do

Update:

I met with my attorney today to refute my wife's statements of trying to remove me from the marital home. My attorney says we have a very good case. I presented evidence of the affair audio and video. My attorney Asked for the telephone records as well. My attorney even asked for my wife to cover legal fees because of the erroneous claims.
Oh my attorney also request a letter from my captain on my behalf stating I was never placed on administrative leave and I was always fu stating I was never placed on administrative leave and I was always full duty.

Now I have to wait to see what my wife's attorney will say to our rebuttal.

Please continue to pray for me and my wine for reconciliation and restoration of her marriage in for her to realize the affair is wrong into quit the affair .

This is great. This will help to dispel her fantasy affair fog.

Update: sorry don't know why it posted twice I was dictating on my phone.

I met with my attorney today to refute my wife's statements of trying to remove me from the marital home. My attorney says we have a very good case. I presented evidence of the affair audio and video. My attorney Asked for the telephone records as well. My attorney even asked for my wife to cover legal fees because of the erroneous claims.
Oh my attorney also request a letter from my captain on my behalf stating I was never placed on administrative leave and I was always full duty stating I was never placed on administrative leave and I was always full duty.

Now I have to wait to see what my wife's attorney will say to our rebuttal.

Please continue to pray for me and my wife for reconciliation and restoration of our marriage and for her to realize the affair is wrong and to quit the affair .

Progress has been made.

My wife today was distant in the morning, then after a day with her mother shopping and eating she came home a different person. Kinder, more talkative.

I had to leave in the morning for my lawyer appt; but before I left I asked her if she would like to go out on a date this memorial weekend. She said no. I said okay I have to go now bye. I didn't tell her where I was going(Lawyer appt)

When I returned home she had left already to go over her mothers house and shop and eat. When she got home I said I got you a sub from your favorite shop without onions ( cause she hates onions) she said, okay I'll put iit in the fridge for later. I helped my wife with putting the groceries away and we were taking like nothing has happened. She then said she had a hair appt. so I said do you need any money for your hair? She said no. Well when she came home I put 40$ on the table with a note saying this is for you and your hair.

She came home I opened the door for her and said WOW! I love your haircut; did you get it colored too? She said yes thanks. Then my wife saw the money on the table and said, I told you I didn't need money for my hair, but thank you I can use it for the groceries I bought.

Then she changed into PJ's and heated up her sub. We sat on the couch and watched Seinfeld. I asked how her sub was she said good. After the show I was still in the living room and she walked down the hallway toward me said thank you for the sub and goodnight.

My wife has not said goodnight to me since apr 25th!

Progress has been made! I love you guys and gals and I give all praise to the Lord God!

I still have a way to go for our marriage to be restored and not go through a divorce, but this is a good sign!

That is great news!! You can expect her to go up and down, so don't be disappointed if if she is nasty tomorrow. Her moods will swing. BE sure and keep your VAR on you at all times too.

I think what happened on her birthday was outstanding and might have woken her up a bit. She knows now that divorce will not as easy as she thought.

Her cake and present and card are still on the table!

All unopened....

Don't touch them.

I wasn't going too; just seeing if that is normal behavior. Today we have not been able to spend much time together she is going over to her parents house and I went over to my moms house after I am on my way home now she is still at her parents house

Hopefully she will stay there all night so we can have some contact I will keep everyone updated .

I need help.

I caught my wife and the other man on a rendezvous tonight
And once they saw me they said oh [censored] and sped off .
I followed him in order to try to get video and a good picture but he the other man was driving like a maniac So I had to stop following them for fear of an accident and my wife's safety.
They were made tonight, so I figured the best solution is just to go back home but now I need guidance on how to break this affair up because it seems really entrenched.

First off, calm down. Then I want you to write a nice little email to her sister, BIL, parents, close friends and family.

Dear friends and family, I am writing you this message because you are an important person in the lives of xxxx and I. As some of you know, xxxxx has recently asked me for a divorce, which has shattered my heart. I am devastated. To my surprise, I have discovered the reason is because she is having an affair with my old boss, John Dirtbag, a married man. He is also married and has young children. [change facts to suit your situation] My police precinct knows about the affair and has transferred the OM to another unit.

They were seen together by neighbors on May XX for several hours and I caught them together at ________ tonight at 6:00. If you have any influence on my babe, please do what you can to get her to stop this affair. I want to stay married, but the affair must end. I have asked wife to end her affair and she refuses.

As our friends and family, I am asking that you use your influence with xxxx to persuade her to end her affair and try to work on our marriage. Our marriage can be salvaged if she would only end the affair. Please support her in doing the right thing. Please support our marriage.

I would so appreciate your support and prayers.

She is on the way home - should I say anything to her?

Btw I don't have any email address for the family. It would have to be an old Fasioned letter.


I'm hurt angry and wondering if she could be a serial cheater?

Cmon!! they don't have email accounts?? Are they on facebook?

Ask her to end her affair. Tell her you are devastated that she is still in her affair Tell her your attorney intends on presenting this information to the judge.

Okay, I didn't want any love busters.

I I'm not close like that with her sister her parents are old so they don't have emails and they blocked me on Facebook

Then set up another facebook account and send them that message!!

I hear yeah, I don't know if I wish to continue this. I have to pray about it!

She can home I said why don't you end your affair; I'm devasted! Please stop seeing Mike. She said nothing, I said did you hear me nicely? She said I don't have to talk to you. And walked to her bedroom I stood near the doorway and said why? I love you and care for you. She said I don't k ow how after tonight. She said you told me to talk to Mike so I went to go talk to him. I said you can't use the phone? Please don't lie. She said nothing happened. I said that's why to both looked scared and he sped off. He put your life in jeopardy. She tried to turn it around on me and said no YOU did. I said OM was driving I just follow to get a nice picture and video. She said I don't care MI is a no fault state.


I said yes but this will all be public record in court; so anyone can see I the future.

Then she said take the gps off my car I said I don't have any gps on your car I hired a PI to follow you. She was just getting more mad. I said I have video audio and DNA. She said we didn't do anything.... I'm laughing inside I can't believe she would still lie.

She went to bed mad and did t say goodnight, but I said we can work through this and I. Still love and care for you.

My hands are tied till Friday's court date. Due to my job as a P.O. and already contacting her family and friends during the first exposure; I was warned any further contact could be construed as harassment.

My lawyer wishes me to wait till after the court date so that he can prove I'm not a threat to my wife or any of her family or friends.

She left yesterday Sunday 11am to goto her girlfriends over night and returned today around 1pm. I was kind when she came home asked her how her night was and what she did; she said don't worry about me we will be divorced soon. I replied only if you continue your affair; I still care about you and love you and we can work through this. She kept quiet.

She started to clean; I told my wife you can sit and relax; because I already cleaned the house. She went to her room to avoid any further contact with me.
So to not love bust I allowed her a few minutes of privacy and then walked in her room and asked if she wanted to goto dinner. She said no I'm going to my parents. I replied I thought your parents go up north for the holiday. Long pause.. And said Nooo. I don't have to talk to you. I replied we should talk to discuss stuff. She was being defient and said there's nothing to talk about - soon we will be divorced. I replied no matter what happens I still care for you and left her alone for 20 minutes.

I went back in n there cause one of the dogs was destroying a plush toy. This allowed me to talk. I asked her if she would like to watch a movie, no how about a foot rub? She said I don't want you to touch me. Okay u said if you change your mind let me know. And I allowed her her space to respect and not love bust.

Patience....till Friday's court date.

LMG, I admire your effort.

Thank you! This is a sad time for me and I have to stay strong. I don't know why my wife is continuing this affair and attempting to make me look bad, but that is what WAyward spouses do.

I truly hope she wakes up after this court date; or a divorce may occur.

My court date is today to defend myself against my wayward a wife's erroroneous
Claims.

I'll keep everyone updated!

I pray the Holy Spirit guides me and my attorney and the judge to see through her fog of the affair!

Saying a prayer for you!!

Update:

I didn't get kicked out of the house. I wanted to goto trial but my lawyer advised against it because of what happened last Saturday, when I discovered them together. And followed them to get a video or picture.

My wife said she needed a police escort back to her car. I don't know if that is true because I went home after the other man started driving erratic. So who knows what she said to her lawyer. So we came to a mutual agreement on a temporary restraining order; no one can threaten, verbally abuse; fight, touch or have members of the opposite sex over, plus refrain from contacting each other's family. NOT what I wished for but it keeps me in the house till this is complete. Before the judge addressed us she mentioned reconciliation and if we tried; I'm the plaintiff and my lawyer spoke up and said I have been tiring but my wife the defendant is against it. The judge urgerd us to get a third party involved; pastor or counselor to work through our problems due to the short time we have been married but the length of time we've been together. The the judge asked us if we agree with the mutual temp order and then set a mediation date for July 27th.

My attorney says it will go past that so that will give me time to go house hunting.

I went home right after court got home around 12pm my wife came home around 3:50pm and seemed angry when she got home.

I asked did I you eat she said don't worry about it; I said why are you acting bitchy; she said that's verbal abuse and you can't do that; I said no it's not I was describing your temperament. She said there's no hope for reconciliation so I don't need to talk to you.
I replied wow really it seems like something is bothering you; she replied it is. I said would you like to talk about it? She said no.

I have to keep my VAR on me now. I guess my wife thought I was going to get kicked out.

My friend WIfedivorcingg says don't worry about it she's angry you're still in the house and don't believe anything she says cause she's still probably seeing the OM. It appears the divorce will happen, but my friend says don't be surprised if she changes her mind. She probably brought it was going to be easy; but I'm not gonna roll over and just hand her a divorce; I'm Going to try to do my best within the law to fight for what's right

I can only imprint kindness and love on her. I can do that through daily notes if she won't talk.

That was a very ugly thing to say. You lost of lot of ground by saying that. It was a disrespectful judgement that used nasty terminology, and when your wife correctly pointed that out, you issued another one ("describing your temperament").

You don't use nasty terms about your wife, especially not right to her face, and you don't follow that up by telling her your perspective is correct. Have you got that?

Surgar cane, Yes, I understand now what you mean. This is not an excuse but she calls me names esp today b/c she didn't like the outcome. I can't let her bait me into her level I must shine.... Any advice because this hurt of no physical/emotional contact, affair and no talking is tough!

I read through surviving an affair twice. I'm now reading love busters.

I was really frustrated that my wife was so angry after court; because I think she thought I was going to be kicked out of the house today.

I need to be disciplined to not do any love busting; I'm still hurting from her affair and I believe it's still going on well I know they saw each other this past Saturday.

She repeated today there will be no reconciliation. I am looking to move. I have to be prepared for the worst case Scenario.

I have probably 60-90 days before a divorce would be final. I'm going to keep trying to deposit love tokens and show love, care and concern.

Thank you for your response to keep me honest!

Update:

My wife seems to be in the withdrawl stage, but we have some conversations so It may be moving to the conflict stage.

Today she went out came home late, I asked how her night went, she said fine, I asked if she did anything interesting and did you eat dinner? she said yes, PF changes. I said How nice. Did you goto Partridge creek mall? She said how did you know that. I said I didn't that's the only PF changes I know of, she said no we ate and the fairlane one before, I said I don't remember that.

She said what's theses 20 questions... I said there's no 20 questions, just that I care about you and am interested in your nice night.

She replied well we are getting a divorce, I said I believe in you and I'm not giving up, I love and care for you. She said it too late I told you long ago I wasn't happy and you started drinking way to much in December with your new assignment and Yes I give you credit for stepping up lately and quiting drinking, but it's a little too late and I've moved on. Plus we need water, dog food, detergent etc... I said I'll get all that if you could right a list out for me. (she shook her head like why can't I rememeber all this stuff)

She change the topic to the court date yesterday...

I tried to have you removed from MY house yesterday in court and that didn't go well, so now we have a mutual restraining order which means I don't have to talk to you if I don't want to. I said You are totally correct, and I respect that. I replied, We both shopped for this house together and worked to accumulate everything in this house together, so I feel it's more than just your's we built this together. She then said we go back to court on July 27 (actually its mediation) for the divorce.

I responded by saying I'm not giving up even with the affair. I know you have a big heart and I care about you and love you. She said, "You sound like a crazy person" (I didn't know what she meant by that...because I continue to love her through all of this???)

Then she focused on one of our Dog's and said you can take ECHO in the divorce, because I didn't want him in the first place. (even though she picked him out and we adopted him together)

I just replied with, I don't wish to talk about the divorce, I only wish to talk about us.

She said, He can sleep with you tonight (ECHO the 65lbs mutt), I said could he please sleep with you, (because I sleep in a single bed and my wife has a queen), she said he doesn't let me sleep in, when she said that I said I understand, he'll sleep with me.

she closed and locked the door, I said good night, sweet dreams, love ya.

Does this sound like its moving to the conflict stage?

Sounds as if nothing has changed.

Changes usually happen so slow that they are not noticed all the time.

It seems she (my wife WS) is becoming more mean.

Today when I left for work, I said I will go shopping after work at one of the 24hour stores. She said the f**king list is on the fridge. she was reclined on the couch watching T.V. with the two dogs. I went over to kiss the little dog next to her legs, and the big dog next to her, then I puckered up hoping she would lean up so I could plant a kiss. She smirked and backed away and said what ARE you doing; We have a mutual restraing order for no contact, I walked to the door and began to put on my shoes. My wife said You are living in a "Fantasy World!" I replied, I still care for you and I'm not going to give up on us. She said there will be no reconciliation. Before I left I said I hope you have a good day, love ya bye.

When I returned home a little after midnight (I work afternoons) she finally did something with her B-day gifts from may 25th. She through away the cake and put the 2 scented candles on the counter with a note; and I quote.

"I tore up the card and threw it away without reading it. This goes to show how little you know me, I don't like scents like these. Leave me alone or I will contact my lawyer. Don't ask me to kiss you again. I'm not doing it. Coexisting under one roof, get it! Start looking for a place, No reconciliation."

I went to the garbage can and she must of read the card because the envelope was opened and the card was torn in half probably after reading it. (if she didn't read the card she would have just probably torn the envelope as well. I didnt' ask her to kiss me, but I should respect her space right? I know she probably did write this drunk, because the pineapple vodka in the fridge was empty and gone.

well, I went shopping and replaced her note and the two candles she said she didn't care which were on the counter with a single red budding rose with baby's breath in a glass vase. (I didn't leave a note) but my thinking was replace evil/hurt with beautiful/love.

also my VAR picked up her saying (probably when she was writing this note) I like cranberry, mulberry and you get my this Sh*t, apparently you need me to be mean to you to get it through your F**kin* head. after you trash me to everybody with whatever you think that I've have done. you expect me to reconcile like (real name omitted/Wife divoring) then she mentioned my partner (name ommited)(I have never trashed her name to anyone at work) or who ever you worked with this is not where were going to reconcile.

I just don't get it. She has really demonized me and I love the part where she said whatever you think I've done. (Ahh yeah...can you say...AFFAIR...she is still in denial...lol)

Where do I go from here, I have until july 27th that is when a mediation hearing is scheduled for the divorce.


PS: Melodylane, I was told today my partner and I are going to Day shift on the next rotation, which start june 20th!

LMG,
You have some time to make some deposits, but discussing the relationship with her and trying to reason with her will undermine those efforts.

Respect her space, and do what you can to be pleasant, genuinely upbeat, smart, and together. Get fit. Spend your spare time exercising and making the house look nice. Dress nicely. Iron your clothes and make sure your shoes are polished. Do the things she likes without making a big deal about them.

Occasionally leave her note; always be respectful; sometimes invite conversation, but never force it.

Let her see from a distance how you have changed. The longer she sees that change in effect the more she will believe its real.

Now that you have the day shift, let's use that to propel a lifestyle change that makes you attractive and desirable to your wife, but without pushing her, suffocating her, or fawning over her. This is going to take time. Your best hope right now is that her affair crumbles, and they do almost all the time, and while that is happening you are improving and you are making slow and steady love deposits in her bank.

The reason you need to do it from a distance is because she is in the fog of her affair, and because of that she is being mean and cruel. It's only human for you to respond to that with anger and resentment. That is why you made a disrespectful judgment about her the other day. So don't put yourself in that position.

What are some things that your wife likes about you and finds attractive? Consider these things as you recommit to a new lifestyle and routine that brings this about.

You have a month-and-a-half to sell your wife on those things. Once you are separated, that picture you paint might just stick in her mind. But STOP TALKING ABOUT THE RELATIONSHIP and getting into arguments about it. Just be the most attractive husband you can be. Think of it as being in courtship.

You asked if your wife had moved from withdrawal into conflict. No she hasn't. This is likely to take a long time. It usually does. It took me 12 months and a divorce to recover my marriage with my wife. I succeeded because I made improvements as a husband and a father while she was away. When she saw me, she saw the best I could show. I didn't fawn over her, and I didn't direct my anger at her, even though it was there. She knew I was angry and hurt, but I did my best to avoid disrespectful judgments and angry outbursts.

Please list the things you can do to change your lifestyle and please show new routines you can start to improve yourself and become the best husband and person you can be.

Thank you!

You're welcome. Are you willing to share your list of new routines and improvements?