Help - Probable EA with coworker - help - 06/08/17 08:19 AM
Hi,
New here. My H was caught two weeks ago via imessage logs on a business trip with a coworker after implying he went alone. Also discovered through same threads he spent happy hours sticking around with just her after other coworkers left and lied about who was still there. Even went to a separate bar with her and lied that he was with a coworker whose wife just had cancer surgery and he was distraught. Oh my gosh. He still works with her. The messages were mainly started by her and he would respond but there wasn't anything overtly flirty. However, she would offer to wait to go to happy hour with him, or send him little jokes about back to the future. He admits it was his idea to have her go on the business trip to meet one of their client counterparts.
FYI - 13 years ago, he had a PA with a woman out of state he met while out of town. Remoseful, counseling, etc. NC as far as I know. We recovered. But now I'm totally triggered.
Upon discovery of this "secret friendship" H said he didn't have any physical contact, never even thought about it. She was a fun coworker and he didn't tell me because he knew I wouldn't like it due to his past. Said he should have been honest, but really - there was nothing going on, no intention to, blah blah. Found out on Mother's Day - nice.
Upon discussion, he refused counseling, then said he would. Said he would quit his job, then he wouldn't because we need insurance. I discovered I am needy and codependent, so I've been going to counseling myself to get strong.
I checked his imessage log and he has changed his login so it no longer shows on my computer. He also removed Find my iPhone from his phone. I checked the phone log and she did call him once last week for a minute, he called her back several hours later for a minute. But deleted it from his log. She is in his phone book with her real name. They work together on same account, so I can't ever tell what's work related and what's not. He says he doesn't want to be in a marriage where he's watched and spied on when he's done nothing wrong except lie, which he regrets. When I asked for his work email, he got mad and said, "fine. Do what you have to" but never gave it to me. I didn't ask again. Basically - he's not willing to do anything because he didn't have an affair. Broken trust - beside the point.
Tonight, we were at a friends together. He stayed out late and came home really drunk and this was a habit when he was in the affair. Guilt maybe. He also found out tonight, though, that his closest friend has terminal cancer, so that could be the drinking too. We were about to be intimate when I said that I noticed he's drinking more and doesn't seem to want to come home - and asked simply, is there something wrong? Are you ok? He got super mad (he's drunk), said I ruined things, got up and went downstairs to sleep. It probably wasn't my best timing but I can't help that it looks like it did last time.
All this to say, he is not putting any protections in place (when I asked if he would stay at happy hour with just her now that this has come out as a dangerous idea, he said, "probably not." I was like - what?? Probably not? You can't!), He's locking down his phone more, and he basically told me if I don't want to do this (try to get past his lying about this girl) then, he understands and maybe our marriage has run its course. Basically, telling me he's ok with me calling it quits on the marriage. He is a completely shut down guy, and hates conflict - even before this.
The only reason I'm staying right now is I have a very fragile 18 yo daughter who has caused us a lot of challenges, and she will blame herself if we separate. For sure. I worry, so my counselor has been working on getting me strong and independent vs. needy.
Advice? His sisters know. But haven't said anything per my request. He has a strong Christian friend who I have considered telling, but I haven't yet. His other friends are not necessarily allies of the marriage - they would just stay out of it. My dad knows and confronted him, but he was not remorseful, just mad. And last time he was very remorseful and sorry and wanted my dad to accept him back.
He keeps saying since there was nothing physical and he would have never let it get that far, I should believe him. I think he's naive. I asked him multiple times, didn't it occur to you that if you are lying, you've crossed a boundary. He says he can see that now, but really - he would never have let it get that far. Satan has him completely blinded.
I believe if I demand some of the things recommended here, he will walk. I'm struggling with sticking it out for my teenager because I feel like I can suck this up until she leaves for college in a few months. But I would prefer to save the marriage since divorce seems so awful. So I'm torn about confronting and letting it be for now. I'm also feeling a little crazy, like my past experience with his PA has made me hypersensitive. And yet, my gut is telling me he is still having a "friendship" with her and isn't being honest. Bottom line, I don't trust him at all.
I'm in a sore spot right now worried about the impact of my decisions on my oldest child. Helpful pro-marriage advice would be very welcome, even if it's tough.
New here. My H was caught two weeks ago via imessage logs on a business trip with a coworker after implying he went alone. Also discovered through same threads he spent happy hours sticking around with just her after other coworkers left and lied about who was still there. Even went to a separate bar with her and lied that he was with a coworker whose wife just had cancer surgery and he was distraught. Oh my gosh. He still works with her. The messages were mainly started by her and he would respond but there wasn't anything overtly flirty. However, she would offer to wait to go to happy hour with him, or send him little jokes about back to the future. He admits it was his idea to have her go on the business trip to meet one of their client counterparts.
FYI - 13 years ago, he had a PA with a woman out of state he met while out of town. Remoseful, counseling, etc. NC as far as I know. We recovered. But now I'm totally triggered.
Upon discovery of this "secret friendship" H said he didn't have any physical contact, never even thought about it. She was a fun coworker and he didn't tell me because he knew I wouldn't like it due to his past. Said he should have been honest, but really - there was nothing going on, no intention to, blah blah. Found out on Mother's Day - nice.
Upon discussion, he refused counseling, then said he would. Said he would quit his job, then he wouldn't because we need insurance. I discovered I am needy and codependent, so I've been going to counseling myself to get strong.
I checked his imessage log and he has changed his login so it no longer shows on my computer. He also removed Find my iPhone from his phone. I checked the phone log and she did call him once last week for a minute, he called her back several hours later for a minute. But deleted it from his log. She is in his phone book with her real name. They work together on same account, so I can't ever tell what's work related and what's not. He says he doesn't want to be in a marriage where he's watched and spied on when he's done nothing wrong except lie, which he regrets. When I asked for his work email, he got mad and said, "fine. Do what you have to" but never gave it to me. I didn't ask again. Basically - he's not willing to do anything because he didn't have an affair. Broken trust - beside the point.
Tonight, we were at a friends together. He stayed out late and came home really drunk and this was a habit when he was in the affair. Guilt maybe. He also found out tonight, though, that his closest friend has terminal cancer, so that could be the drinking too. We were about to be intimate when I said that I noticed he's drinking more and doesn't seem to want to come home - and asked simply, is there something wrong? Are you ok? He got super mad (he's drunk), said I ruined things, got up and went downstairs to sleep. It probably wasn't my best timing but I can't help that it looks like it did last time.
All this to say, he is not putting any protections in place (when I asked if he would stay at happy hour with just her now that this has come out as a dangerous idea, he said, "probably not." I was like - what?? Probably not? You can't!), He's locking down his phone more, and he basically told me if I don't want to do this (try to get past his lying about this girl) then, he understands and maybe our marriage has run its course. Basically, telling me he's ok with me calling it quits on the marriage. He is a completely shut down guy, and hates conflict - even before this.
The only reason I'm staying right now is I have a very fragile 18 yo daughter who has caused us a lot of challenges, and she will blame herself if we separate. For sure. I worry, so my counselor has been working on getting me strong and independent vs. needy.
Advice? His sisters know. But haven't said anything per my request. He has a strong Christian friend who I have considered telling, but I haven't yet. His other friends are not necessarily allies of the marriage - they would just stay out of it. My dad knows and confronted him, but he was not remorseful, just mad. And last time he was very remorseful and sorry and wanted my dad to accept him back.
He keeps saying since there was nothing physical and he would have never let it get that far, I should believe him. I think he's naive. I asked him multiple times, didn't it occur to you that if you are lying, you've crossed a boundary. He says he can see that now, but really - he would never have let it get that far. Satan has him completely blinded.
I believe if I demand some of the things recommended here, he will walk. I'm struggling with sticking it out for my teenager because I feel like I can suck this up until she leaves for college in a few months. But I would prefer to save the marriage since divorce seems so awful. So I'm torn about confronting and letting it be for now. I'm also feeling a little crazy, like my past experience with his PA has made me hypersensitive. And yet, my gut is telling me he is still having a "friendship" with her and isn't being honest. Bottom line, I don't trust him at all.
I'm in a sore spot right now worried about the impact of my decisions on my oldest child. Helpful pro-marriage advice would be very welcome, even if it's tough.