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Joined: Jun 2017
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Hi,
New here. My H was caught two weeks ago via imessage logs on a business trip with a coworker after implying he went alone. Also discovered through same threads he spent happy hours sticking around with just her after other coworkers left and lied about who was still there. Even went to a separate bar with her and lied that he was with a coworker whose wife just had cancer surgery and he was distraught. Oh my gosh. He still works with her. The messages were mainly started by her and he would respond but there wasn't anything overtly flirty. However, she would offer to wait to go to happy hour with him, or send him little jokes about back to the future. He admits it was his idea to have her go on the business trip to meet one of their client counterparts.

FYI - 13 years ago, he had a PA with a woman out of state he met while out of town. Remoseful, counseling, etc. NC as far as I know. We recovered. But now I'm totally triggered.

Upon discovery of this "secret friendship" H said he didn't have any physical contact, never even thought about it. She was a fun coworker and he didn't tell me because he knew I wouldn't like it due to his past. Said he should have been honest, but really - there was nothing going on, no intention to, blah blah. Found out on Mother's Day - nice.

Upon discussion, he refused counseling, then said he would. Said he would quit his job, then he wouldn't because we need insurance. I discovered I am needy and codependent, so I've been going to counseling myself to get strong.

I checked his imessage log and he has changed his login so it no longer shows on my computer. He also removed Find my iPhone from his phone. I checked the phone log and she did call him once last week for a minute, he called her back several hours later for a minute. But deleted it from his log. She is in his phone book with her real name. They work together on same account, so I can't ever tell what's work related and what's not. He says he doesn't want to be in a marriage where he's watched and spied on when he's done nothing wrong except lie, which he regrets. When I asked for his work email, he got mad and said, "fine. Do what you have to" but never gave it to me. I didn't ask again. Basically - he's not willing to do anything because he didn't have an affair. Broken trust - beside the point.

Tonight, we were at a friends together. He stayed out late and came home really drunk and this was a habit when he was in the affair. Guilt maybe. He also found out tonight, though, that his closest friend has terminal cancer, so that could be the drinking too. We were about to be intimate when I said that I noticed he's drinking more and doesn't seem to want to come home - and asked simply, is there something wrong? Are you ok? He got super mad (he's drunk), said I ruined things, got up and went downstairs to sleep. It probably wasn't my best timing but I can't help that it looks like it did last time.

All this to say, he is not putting any protections in place (when I asked if he would stay at happy hour with just her now that this has come out as a dangerous idea, he said, "probably not." I was like - what?? Probably not? You can't!), He's locking down his phone more, and he basically told me if I don't want to do this (try to get past his lying about this girl) then, he understands and maybe our marriage has run its course. Basically, telling me he's ok with me calling it quits on the marriage. He is a completely shut down guy, and hates conflict - even before this.

The only reason I'm staying right now is I have a very fragile 18 yo daughter who has caused us a lot of challenges, and she will blame herself if we separate. For sure. I worry, so my counselor has been working on getting me strong and independent vs. needy.

Advice? His sisters know. But haven't said anything per my request. He has a strong Christian friend who I have considered telling, but I haven't yet. His other friends are not necessarily allies of the marriage - they would just stay out of it. My dad knows and confronted him, but he was not remorseful, just mad. And last time he was very remorseful and sorry and wanted my dad to accept him back.

He keeps saying since there was nothing physical and he would have never let it get that far, I should believe him. I think he's naive. I asked him multiple times, didn't it occur to you that if you are lying, you've crossed a boundary. He says he can see that now, but really - he would never have let it get that far. Satan has him completely blinded.

I believe if I demand some of the things recommended here, he will walk. I'm struggling with sticking it out for my teenager because I feel like I can suck this up until she leaves for college in a few months. But I would prefer to save the marriage since divorce seems so awful. So I'm torn about confronting and letting it be for now. I'm also feeling a little crazy, like my past experience with his PA has made me hypersensitive. And yet, my gut is telling me he is still having a "friendship" with her and isn't being honest. Bottom line, I don't trust him at all.

I'm in a sore spot right now worried about the impact of my decisions on my oldest child. Helpful pro-marriage advice would be very welcome, even if it's tough.

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Welcome to MB. You need to get spyware in place on all his devices. Put a VAR and GPS in his vehicle. Is the OW married? Stop telling him or asking him anything about the OW. For now get the evidence.


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



Joined: Apr 2001
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Originally Posted By: sopissed

I believe if I demand some of the things recommended here, he will walk. I'm struggling with sticking it out for my teenager because I feel like I can suck this up until she leaves for college in a few months. But I would prefer to save the marriage since divorce seems so awful. So I'm torn about confronting and letting it be for now. I'm also feeling a little crazy, like my past experience with his PA has made me hypersensitive. And yet, my gut is telling me he is still having a "friendship" with her and isn't being honest. Bottom line, I don't trust him at all.



If you have decided to live with his affair, [which it is] then there is no need for our advice. It sounds like you are trying to convince yourself this is not an affair so you can continue to ignore his destructive, abusive behavior. Since his lifestyle is very high risk I would wager there have been many other affairs over the years.

You are posting as if you have options. You won't save the marriage unless he quits the job and follows the steps recommended here. You have to make a choice. Your husband is a serial cheater and it is unrealistic to imagine you can force him to change against his will. He has been doing this for a very long time because extraordinary precautions were never put in place after the last affair. So here you are again.

I would suggest that your "gut" is telling you what you want to hear about this being a "friendship" because it is obvious to the objective eye that this is an affair. There is a lot of denial in your post, my friend.

What did you need from us? You tell us you want to save your marriage but then tell us you won't follow the advice. I don't see how we can help you.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted By: sopissed
The only reason I'm staying right now is I have a very fragile 18 yo daughter who has caused us a lot of challenges, and she will blame herself if we separate. For sure. I worry, so my counselor has been working on getting me strong and independent vs. needy.


Staying with a serial cheater in a toxic, stressful environment is not healthy for anyone. All it does is tear you down emotionally, create stress and make you less able to parent her. Staying together doesn't help anyone, least of all your DD.

Kids "blame themselves" when they are not told the true reasons about the divorce. That is easily avoided if you tell her the truth.

Quote:
Advice? His sisters know. But haven't said anything per my request. He has a strong Christian friend who I have considered telling, but I haven't yet. His other friends are not necessarily allies of the marriage - they would just stay out of it. My dad knows and confronted him, but he was not remorseful, just mad. And last time he was very remorseful and sorry and wanted my dad to accept him back.


First off, the affair shouldn't be exposed until you have the facts, which you don't. And secondly, asking his sisters to not say anything is counterproductive. Why tell them at all? I would find out who the affair is with, get the evidence and expose the affair following the instructions on the exposure 101 link in my signature. Exposure should be done all at once in one fell swoop so it has a tsunami effect.




"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: May 2008
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Is the other woman married?

You do know 1) This affair has been going on for longer than the lied about business trip of two weeks ago. 2) There is a high probability it is a physical affair. 3) He will need to find a different job, not working with women.


BW - 65
WH - 60
M - 35 years
D-day - 17 Apr 08
DD - 44, DS - 30, DS - 23
H broke contact 11/1/09
Back in love after the worst thing that every happened to us.

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